i was never much good at goodbye

this isn't going to be easy.

been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.

time for that to change.

so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.

time for me to start living in the real world.

so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.

speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.

so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
Æ

Tunes: def leppard - foolin'

like sands through the hourglass

thursday? already? geesh. so much for this week.

busy. that's what i've been. first night in a while i haven't had plans. probably last night for a while, too. i look at my schedule and i think to myself, "self, are you trying to give yourself a nervous breakdown?" of course, self is too busy to notice. here's the next several days....

friday - gathering meeting after school. chess rehearsal
saturday - singing for the chess tournament. babysitting the indian new year. palmer's wake. and oh yeah, my birthday.
sunday - gathering. dinner with the family. chess rehearsal. dinner with the bruesewitzes.
monday - tutoring. babysitting the mason community players
tuesday - more babysitting the mason community players
wednesday - chess rehearsal
thursday - film club. parent teacher conferences.

i'm already exhausted.

woke up way on the early side of dawn this morning with an idea for class today, so got out of bed before my alarm and trekked on up to school to put it all together. good thing i did - my administrator came in today for what i hope and pray is my final observation. went well - students were actively involved in learning with little more than facilitation by me (which is the way i like it). took a bit of work on my part, but hopefully it will be helpful. we'll see. post obs is tomorrow and i'll get my summative. the best thing about the hell i went through last year is this year i look all new and improved. maybe i am, though i don't feel i've changed that much.

house church tuesday was lovely - many gathered, lots of prayer, good time just being in the presence of God and each other. some friends of the nixon's were in town and joined us - they brought music with them, greatly needed. and something we've (well, i've) been missing lately. need to see about changing that. will miss being there tuesday, but mammon and an overdeveloped sense of obligation calls.

from the you should always check your spam folder file: remember how i mentioned the contacts out of the blue? well, strangely enough, a friend from high school happened to run across my blog and e-mailed me. found the message in my spam folder. fun. haven't spoken to her in....well, let's just say a long, long time. man, do i love the internet sometimes. ok, most of the time.

currently reading memoirs of a geisha and am completely enraptured. wish i had read the book before seeing the movie, but too late for complaining now. the movie wasn't bad, but i wonder what the pictures in my head would have been like without ziyi zhang and michelle yeoh already there (not that i'm complaining, mind you....). i'm a book first-movie second kind of guy.

slowly running out of steam. and anything resembling meaning. off to read before my name is earl comes on. love me that intelligent redneck humor.
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farewell again

rest in peace, mark palmer

i only met mark once, last fall when we gathered to pray for him. but the love shown there, the sense of God's presence, was overwhelming. man of God gets thrown around pretty casually nowadays. but from meeting mark and reading his story, even if only the final chapter, i know that he embodied that phrase. i rejoice he is with the Father now - i weep and mourn with those who remain here. pray for amy and micah, surround them with love and comfort.

yet another reminder that so little of this world makes any sense.

april is creeping up on me and i am unprepared. mom called yesterday to talk about birthday plans and i realized i haven't given it any thought. i'm singing at paul brown stadium (home of the *snicker* afc north champion cincinnati bengals) saturday morning for a chess tournament (insert your own joke here). they needed a bass and since the other one in the show is in boston....i might also work the auditorium in the late afternoon (3-7) - jack says it's a cushy job, less than four hours, though i'll get paid for the whole time regardless. tempting. and it will keep me semi-occupied so i don't end up sitting home alone, which at this point is my plan. but then the week is still young (unlike me...).

think i'll go to bed early tonight. cold from friday is still lingering in the shadows, rearing its ugly head occasionally, usually as i'm trying to fall asleep or if i've been sitting too long - kind of like right now. breathe a prayer tonight. tell someone you love them. make sure they know.

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying , soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen
Æ

another day...

...another six hours earning far too much for far too little.

one more hour left before byron comes in to relieve me. quiet morning - was a bit concerned i wouldn't get all the lights on (been a while since i had to run the remote board), but being the supragenius that i am, i figured it out before anyone got here. only one issue - seems we can't turn off the air in the auditorium and it's a bit chilly onstage, mostly because the dancers are wearing less than the emperor in his new clothes and they have about .0000045% body fat. and you know, i know it goes with the territory, but it's still a bit on the freaky side to see 7-11-year-olds wearing more makeup than ronald mcdonald. jon benet anyone?

disturbing discovery today at my local speedway - they installed a frozen pepsi machine. before i had to drive a bit to get one, but now i could walk to it. this does not bode well for me, though it might actually get me a little exercise, walking for an icee/slurpee rip off. the first one wasn't quite mixed right - here's hoping it improves as time goes by.

burning the midnight oil i finished off jPod last night. i enjoyed it, but it was missing something - no "coupland moment"™ i wasn't ever shocked out of reading by a moment when coupland wrote something i had to stop and think about. maybe i just read it too fast. maybe he's moved beyond that. maybe i've moved beyond that. who knows. i'll try to gather my thoughts for an actual review.

rehearsal today - we start act ii. in the continuing oddness of my role in chess, i am one of six actors asked to dress nicely for a full body shot - think we're going to stage the "chess match" for publicity photos. weird weird weird weird weird. looking forward to moving into act ii - i have a bit more to do in this one. was hoping the cast would go out after friday's rehearsal, but everyone took off, so i just went home. i'm trying to make connections, but not succeeding so far. again, not them, just me. of course friday i was sucked into jPod, so i'm sure i came across as less than social (big surprise, eh?).

so in the last couple weeks i've tried to reconnect with some friends i haven't heard from in a while. always a bit odd to come thundering out of the digital blue with an e-mail. worked in one case - going to finally hook up with my friend steve from high school - we have dinner plans next weekend. but the others i've had no response to. now maybe their e-mail has changed and they don't check it very often. but, being the paranoid narcissist i am, i begin to wonder if i've done something to make them not want to be in touch with me. i...must...be...liked.... and if they don't respond, do i make another attempt? or do i take it as a sign they are over me/beyond me/freaked out by me? hmmm.

isn't navel gazing fun?

if you're thinking of trying papa john's new pan pizza....DON'T! bleah. worst. pizza. ever. didn't even finish it. and then i was sick all night long. even wrote the company to express my displeasure - someone has to let them know their new product SUCKS.

such pettiness on the sabbath.

i hope the gathering™ went well this morning. first one i've missed since we started it back in january. i missed being there. and i missed hearing mike helm lead worship - heard so much about him, would have been good to experience it. some other time, i hope. hopefully eric recorded it so i can at least hear it.

i think this is sufficient rambling for now. may be back later tonight - strangely enough i'm completely free from 5:00 on. maybe a trip to the comet is in order....
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getting paid to blog

lovely. at the mason auditorium while the Cathy Roe's Ultimate Dance Competition goes on behind me. maybe not the best way to spend a saturday afternoon/evening, but for what they pay me, i can't complain. plus it gives me time to relax and chill. and grade quizzes, but that's an activity best saved for tomorrow when i'm here for another six hour shift. have to miss our weekly gathering - again mammon wins over God. sad, no? but i do need the cash. and i can't beat the pay, or the lack of work.

still recovering from a cold that attacked me yesterday morning and continues to hang on. bleah. trying to kill it with medicine, which has been ok - comes and goes. bad this morning, but shook it off. probably should have tried that yesterday, but just couldn't make it (which is why i'll have so much to grade tomorrow - unless i decide to hold on to the quizzes and grade them in class monday morning before we head down to the media center.

and none of this is of significance.

wednesday during prime time we had a little "diversity training." break down prejudices, learn not to make assumptions, that sort of thing. some interesting activities, though theere was a quote on one of the handouts that has bothered me a bit (not in an i'm going to obsess over this for days kind of way, just found it interesting - and haven't blogged since then). it gave the "platinum rule" - obviously meant to be an improvement to the ancient (and biblical) "golden rule:" Treat others as they want to be treated. does that bother anyone else? what if i want to be treated like the ruler of all the world? does that mean everyone should defer to my wishes and treat me that way? i think we get into major problems if we start thinking this way. we set ourselves up for being manipulated and used, all in the name of diversity and tolerance.

sorry, give me Jesus' words over this any day.

got an early birthday "present" yesterday from ellescriba - an ARC of doug's newest book, jPod. been causing quite the stir on the couplist. lots of soul searching, lots of stuff brought to the surface, lots of issues raised. i'm about halfway through - plan on finishing it this weekend. i think i understand the discussions raised, but will wait until i finish. no angst in me yet. but there's still half a book to go. i'm enjoying it so far - lots of flash, though not as much substance - but then that's one of the issues methinks.

right now is one of the hardest parts of lent - hours without being able to listen to the music i want to and having to hear the songs the dance teams use - right now it's some kind of techno hoedown (i kid you not). earlier it was mc hammer. i may have to hide any sharp objects on jack's desk.

ok, off to read more of jPod. maybe update my april calendar. maybe a nap. is this a great paying gig or what?
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ruminations of an insecure actor

yesterday sucked and i don't want to talk bout it - or can't talk about it. so let's talk about something i can.

chess has been frustrating at best and i've been struggling to figure out why. i feared it was simple pettiness, sour grapes over not getting a larger role. but that's never really been my modus operandi. sure, a more active role would have been great - but i am truly grateful to be in the show.

so what's the problem? i think it's because i'm stuck inbetween. i'm definitely not a principal, though it's how i'm referred to in the script. i haven't actually counted lines, but it amounts to only a handful of scenes. those scenes, however, are significant enough that i cannot simply disappear into the chorus. at least that's what i've been told. but it seems other minor principals are able to. but those are directorial decisions and i trust mark knows what he's doing.

and yet, because i'm not able to be in the chorus, i feel disconnected from the rest of the cast. i'm on the periphery and for once, oddly enough, it's not all my own doing. so i don't fit with the principals, i don't fit in the chorus. and that's been my frustration, i think. it's the nature of the role - it's not well-written or developed, which is good because it gives me plenty of space to work within, but is bad because i get little opportunity to show that development on stage. a challenge is how i'm needing to look at it, but i'm convinced there's not enough to the role to make an impact. that's not said out of self-pity, but out of the realization that Nikolai is not essential to the musical - write him out and nothing is lost. i blame the writer - he did not make it clear what he had in mind for this character (if indeed he had anything in mind).

which leads to this sad understanding - the director knew this character was like this and he chose me to play the role. i'm torn how to take it; either he recognized my acting ability and knew i could do something with this nothing role, or....sensing my vocal and dancing abilities were minimal, he placed me in a role where i could do the least amount of damage. most likely it's a combination of the two. or maybe i'm giving this too much thought and he just needed a warm body and he somewhat randomly chose me.

so if you're thinking of coming to see Chess, ask yourself why. if it's to see an underrated and rarely performed musical that promises to be a wonderful night of musical theatre, then please, buy a ticket and come. but if you're primary motivation is to come see me, then you'd be best served by saving your time and money.

hmmmm....thought after rambling a while that i might want to talk about yeserday. but i don't.

praying for a snow day tomorrow....
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the ides of march

i really should know what those are. but i've forgotten. and i'm too lazy to ask google to help.*

at chess rehearsal, waiting to say my one of two lines for tonight. repeat after me - there are no small parts, only small actors.

i'm feeling tiny this evening.

luckily i anticipated this and brought my moleskine with me to jot down ideas. thoughts. words. random musings of a somewhat significant nature.

long day at school - OGT week. i'm sure i've belabored my disdain for standardized testing - easy target, but a futile one that isn't going to change any time soon. my class finished with an hour left in the testing time (they get 2 1/2 hours per test). makes me a bit nervous since it was one of my tests - writing. i'm afraid they didn't write enough, which is usually the problem. but too late now to worry. tomorrow i'm taking a break from proctoring (heh - dirty), which means i nee to find somewhere to go (they're using my classroom for testing) and something to do. i have plenty of grading - bad planning on my part - and i should be looking ahead. but i haven't and i can't think more than a day in advance this week.

enough tedium, though i prefer the tedium at times to the chaos of last weekend.

looking for a bright side - been reminded just how blessed i am by my friends. calls, e-mails, visits - all have helped me deal with this a bit at a time. if left to my own devices, i'd probably crawl into a hole, struggle through on my own. never know what to say to people, never know how to respond, never feel i'm doing or saying the right thing. so i'd prefer to stay by myself. luckily, my friends haven't let me do that 'cause, seriously, i would be a mess. meant a lot to have andy and bea show up for the viewing monday night - they didn't even know chad, but they were there. the power of presence. i know there are no words, but it's so easy to think that's all we can offer when, as i'm constantly reminded, it's being there that they remember anyway. so to all who have called and cajoled and e-mailed and prayed - thank you.

excellent news - tax info came back from gary today - refund is on its way. have to pay the city of norwood (forgot to tell the school's treasurer i had moved - oops), but still will get enough back to help me, oh, i don't know, have a savings account again. most of it will probably go to house stuff and day to day bills, but would be good to set some aside for a purchase of some sort. been toying with getting a new computer since this one is about six years old (which is about 976 in human years) and always seems on the verge of a major malfunction. i fear crunching the numbers that i'll have to wait some more, but we'll see. need to make sure i'm financially sound before i start dreaming.

home again and the silence is a bit overwhelming. this whole music thing is insane. the thought crossed my mind to amend my lenten promise after this weekend - no music except for U2 - but i've decided to stick it out. my biggest fear is i use music to help me process life events and i'm curious to know how the lack of music will help or hinder my processing of chad's death. sounds trivial, i know, but music is my touchstone for the events of my life. but maybe it's good that silence will be my marker for this time. we'll see. gotta say, though, it's not getting any easier as time goes by. i miss my tunes.

rehearsal finished early, thankfully. glad to have a little down time tonight to type stuff up and relax. veronica mars is new tonight (finally!) so it will be good to burrow into the comfy chair and watch. here's hoping it's been worth the wait. thought about bringing grading home, but with nearly three hours of school time to work on it tomorrow, i decided a night off was worth it.

enough of the rambling. no need to make up for lost time. just glad i've found time and the desire to speak again. night.
Æ

* The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity. The Roman calendar organized its months around three days, each of which served as a reference point for counting the other days:

• Kalends (1st day of the month)
• Nones (the 7th day in March, May, July, and October; the 5th in the other months)
• Ides (the 15th day in March, May, July, and October; the 13th in the other months)

The remaining, unnamed days of the month were identified by counting backwards from the Kalends, Nones, or the Ides. For example, March 3 would be V Nones—5 days before the Nones (the Roman method of counting days was inclusive; in other words, the Nones would be counted as one of the 5 days).

i have nothing to share but cliches

but i suppose it's better than nothing.

i hope.

death has a way of reorienting us - we recognize what's truly important, what's truly meaningless, what's missing, what we have. the world isn't the same as it was before. it's different. we're different. which causes all kinds of problems since most days we don't like to think about these things. we don't like to dwell on the larger questions because, frankly, it takes too much out of us. it's too hard and we'd prefer to just live our lives instead of making sense of them.

thank you, chad, for making it impossible for me to ignore the important questions of life.

just returned from our house church meeting where we spent the time processing (i'm growing to hate that word) the past week. steve did some live blogging if you're interested to see what we talked about. maybe it will help you as well. we listened to chad's podcast about poema, the church he and renee were starting in norwood. good to hear his voice again. good to listen to his heart. one important moment - he was talking about going through tragedy and the questions that come up and it was almost like he was speaking right to us - how we may not understand why they happen, but we know God can do miraculous things through them. all of our mouths kind of dropped at that moment.

we all felt chad was there - not in a typical, he's-here-as-long-as-we-remember-him kind of way. but in a real, physical presence. we talked how thin the walls between this reality and God's reality truly are and how death makes that thinness even more evident. i pray God will continue to remind us of that.

chad's the first non-family member close to me to ever die, so obviously there's significance there. but more than that, there are curious parallels to our lives that have really impacted me. beyond the surface stuff - love for U2 and the steelers - we were alike in many ways. we both left "professional ministry" to seek a less traveled path. we both sought for the intersection of our faith and the arts. we both tended to be slow to speak, introverts. soaking it all in before saying anything. these similarities have cause me to question many parts of my life. some of that is the old cliche, "it could have been me." some because in many ways, he was living my life better than i am (and i mean that in the best way possible). it was eerie at times to reread his blog and discover that he had many of the same thoughts i had, same questions.

i really don't have any grand insights here, just ideas that have passed through my head this week. some i'll keep to myself - i'll be burning an entire notebook page of excrement i spewed forth yesterday (not helpful to anyone, other than me to get it out of my system). and i certainly have no answers to the questions pummeling me over and over again. and that's ok, i think. i don't need the answers. i am content letting the questions shape me for a while.

sorry i've been absent for so long. hit a bad spot there for a while. actually, i almost gave up blogging completely. but like an addiction, i can't seem to shake it. so i'll be here for a bit longer. forgive me if i become preoccupied for a while - i'll try not to make every post about how i'm dealing with this. there's plenty of frivolousness for me to expound on still and i'll get to it soon (like how it looks like i picked a bad time to give up music....).

good night, my friends.
Æ

for chad

you planted yourself here
amid this broken urban landscape
to shape your own soul
yet we find the city ourselves
transformed by the force of your life
your love your passion for the deep places
of this shallowed existence

and the echoes ring even now
down streets you walked
over dreams you laid before us
in hearts you opened to the possibility of God

we speak of mystery
of glasses darkly and whirlwinds unfathomable
of ways beyond our understanding
hoping to convince ourselves
this will all make sense someday
but this silence stuns
and we stand staring at this hole
believing God is on the other side
straining to see through the darkness
to the Light hiding in the shadows

Father, help our eyes to adjust soon

until then we’ll share stories
of your life too brief yet full
of all that makes life Life
beauty truth passion grace
and Love embodied
and shared and experienced
and missed

help us remember we are but dust
help us remember the spaces between
help us remember it’s Love that reigns
help us remember you
Æ

chad canipe

Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, rain down on he.
So let it be.
So let it be.

Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, let it rain
Rain down on he.

i'll miss you, my friend.
Æ

first moves

i know, cheesy title. what can i say?

some (OK, peanutdowns mostly) have been asking for an update on my experiences as a cast member in Chess. have been meaning to do this, but theendofthetrimester has pretty much occupied all of my time (not to mention the existential angst of deciding i'm not truly a writer - but that's a post for another time). but now that exams are going and i find myself with a miraculous "free night," i thought i'd give some initial thoughts.

first, the musical itself. i have to admit, i'm a bit disappointed. see, i "grew up" on the london version of the show. we're doing the american. and oh my the differences. the songs are there, but some have been changed to fit the new book. and the new book sucks. sorry, no other way to put it. from what i've been able to piece together, mr. rice was unhappy with the way the london production went, so hired richard nelson to rework the book. huge mistake. i don't know what else mr. nelson has done (and i have neither the time nor the interest to find out), but my gosh did he butcher this. the story changes make little sense, the dialogue is stilted at best. don't get me wrong - the show was never really about the story. and the songs will be great to see stage. i'm just disappointed that for legal reasons only the american version can be done here.

that said, it's great to get the opportunity to sing these songs i've been singing in the shower in a public setting. the learning of the songs has been fairly easy, mostly because i'm SO familiar with the soundtrack. and i've realized i've missed singing in a choir/chorus setting. love singing those parts. funny, i'm probably the only true bass in the cast and i'm much more comfortable in the baritone range. fun to hear your typical musical types trying to sing bass lines. makes me laugh (but not out loud, of course. that would be rude).

i hesitate to talk about the cast because, well, i haven't really had the chance to get to know them much (plus, they may someday find my blog and i'd hate to say something i'd have to apologize for later). being the new guy and an introvert to boot, i've been lurking in shadows. but most of the stereotypes are there - if you've ever done a musical or community theatre, you know what i'm talking about. i don't think i'm the only straight guy, but i'm guessing i'm the minority here. and no, that's not a surprise, just an observation.

as for my role in the musical, i'm beginning to regret actually getting a "named" part. i think i'm going to miss being in the chorus - strangely enough, i may have less to do than many of the cast members. though i do get to learn how to say "f*%k your mother" in russian. i'll be sure to let you know how that goes. speaking of russian, i had my first experience with a dialect coach (rocco's his name, languages his game). i usually have a pretty good ear for accents and have done russian before. but now that i've been "taught" how to do it correctly, i'm having a harder time with it. too much thinking going on. need to learn the "rules" and then just let myself do it instead of thinking about it.

confession: i'm feeling a bit of jealousy. there's a role i wanted to play and i feel pretty confident i could have done it well. and so far, i'm unimpressed with the person playing it. of course, it's early and like i've said, there hasn't been a lot of time to see much of what everyone is doing. but still. is it bad to daydream about someone having to bow out of the show? probably.

so the first couple of weeks have been good and i'm having a great time with the singing. and i'm sure the getting to know people will come soon enough. always takes me a while to "warm up" to people (though i do find myself falling into my "witty, sarcastic thurman" mode a lot, which seems to freak people out a bit - hopefully because they don't know me yet. hopefully....). i'm trying not to think too much about the not getting to sing/dance as much as i'd like and just enjoy the process of putting together the musical. i really do love the music and i think there's enough of the original idea to make it an excellent musical if we do it right. and from what i've been able to tell, we are.

is that enough peanutdowns? :)
Æ

Tunes: king's x - visions

i have the sneaking suspicion....

that God is asking me to give up music for lent.

not all music, just prerecorded music.

no radio (not a big deal)

no cds (tougher, but doable)

no mp3s (yikes!)

gina suggested no playing for worship, too, but that seems going a bit far. this is a personal sacrifice, not something that would affect others (not that we don't have other options, but you know).

hmmm. no background music for 40 days. no music while i surf, no music while i drive, no music while i grade.

obviously, i won't be able to control it all (can't ask restaurants to turn off their muzak, though if i could i would have done it a long time ago). but i can do my part.

shoot. i don't want to do this. which probably means i should. not to be masochistic but because it should be something that means something to me. and this definitely fits that.

now if i can just think of something positive to do during lent, i'll be all set. suggestions always accepted (though not always taken).

yeah, i know, i haven't written in a while. thought about giving up blogging for lent, but that wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at this point.

two days left in the trimester, then two days of exams. just a couple more things to grade. and then it all starts all over again. fun.

how long until summer? heck, how long 'til spring break?

time to go finish off that grading. night.
Æ

Tunes: ratt - i want a woman

telegram for mongo

stuck in grading hell STOP
no time to share the stories of my life STOP
survived VD STOP
chess has begun will give details later STOP
letting possibility slip through my fingers need to STOP
Æ

Tunes: love and rockets - so alive

must be in the air

can't get away from it and ought to just give in instead of fighting tooth and nail like i normally do at this time of the year. some of it i've brought on myself, but really, seems to be something unavoidable.

it's love, baby.

not the type i normally piss and moan about here in thurmanworld. it's not me in love....well, maybe it is. maybe i am in love, i just don't have anyone to focus my attention on. or maybe i do and i'm just not.

maybe i'm talking myself into a whirling dervish.

anyway, enjoyed one of my favourite movies this afternoon with film club - say anything. *sigh* it's so not me. i prefer to be bitter and cynical. and this movie always - always - sucks the darkness right out of me. most disturbing part of showing it - at lunch, NONE of my fellow teachers had seen it. how is this possible? they're all around my age, sort of. i just took it for granted that they'd all seen it. how wrong i was. would have canceled class and made them watch if i thought i could get away with it. and then they looked at me like i was crazy for insisting they watch it. whatever guys. you're the ones missing out.

of course, i hate lloyd dobler because he tantalizes with that rarest of qualities - hope. i watch the movie and i feel it seeping back in. maybe i should watch it every week, though i fear i would build up a resistance to it.

and then, continuing the theme, my name is earl was brilliant yet again tonight. so enjoyable. i think it's doing well enough that it won't be canceled, which is great since it's nice to have a sitcom i enjoy again. it, too, was about love. and karma. and timing. kind of like many of my rants here, minus the karma, of course.

oh, and then, catching up on my x-files watching, who should be on but felicity huffman. weird when obsessions cross-pollinate. seen the episode before, but that was before felicity was on my radar. fun. and oh my, the scene between her and scully checking each other for the worm. just one word: yum.

yep, it's definitely february.

three days until chess officially begins. still haven't had the nerve to e-mail and find out if i am included in the ensemble or if i'm simply nikolai. on one hand, if i'm only nikolai, then not so many rehearsals, which will definitely help me time-wise. but it would also mean not so much singing, which would make me sad. ah well - come what come may. looking forward to meeting the cast. should be entertaining to say the least.

got my copy of monday's pittsburgh post-gazette in the mail today from brent. lovely. here's hoping i find time to sit down and actually read it at some point. or at least look at the pictures.

had hoped to catch people online tonight - have been negligent of my online friends. but they are not around. alas. maybe it means i should just go to bed, or at the very least, crawl under the covers and read some more of fever pitch (seemed like the perfect book to try and understand my own obsession with the steelers). big thanks to anne for the exchange.

ok, enough for the night. keep your eyes peeled for low-flying gods wielding funny shaped arrows - those damn things can hurt.
Æ


Tunes: cake - i will survive

gather ye thoughts while ye may

so seems yesterday, while i was out with my personal day, a bomb threat was found at the school. figured it out when i got into school today and had an e-mail talking about it. great. not that i was overly concerned for my safety. but the message did little to calm fears of an actual bomb threat, so most of my classes were half-filled. and students kept disappearing throughout the day. i mean, once you tell them that it won't be held against them, what's to hold them there? i think the administration did the best they could with a no-win situation. call off school and the kid who pulled the prank wins. ignore the threat and parents feel you're not protecting their students - or worse, have it turn out to not be a prank. rock, meet hard place.

caught a student plagiarizing a PERSONAL narrative yesterday. ridiculous. it's embarrassing how easy they make it to find them - they don't even bother to change the format or fix it so it fits the assignment. calling the parents tomorrow - student automatically gets a zero. and maybe a saturday school, we'll see. i mean if you're going to do it, at least do it well....

finished velvet elvis last night. good book, though not nearly as life-changing as i imagined. perhaps because i've thought through many of the issues presented already? and i'm not sure i gave it a fair reading - sporadic and mostly as i was falling asleep at night. still, will probably be using parts of it in house church, specifically the section on scripture. i've had several "jabs" at our lack of biblical focus (read: in-depth bible study) lately. something we need to address.

lots of hating going on toward two of my favorites - bono and the steelers. obviously the steelers didn't win the super bowl as much as had it handed to them. and bono obviously isn't a real christian or have any idea what he's talking about. *sigh* guess we can't let anyone actually be a success - we must bring everyone down. yeah, i know, i'm a bit biased in this case. still, we do seem to like to rev up our chainsaws and chop everyone down to size, don't we?

sleep beckons. and i must answer. at least it's a short day tomorrow. getting together with steve novotni to do a little bike riding. yes, i know, it's winter. but sounds like fun. and God knows i could use the exercise. plus, it's 3 1/2 miles - how hard could that be? the trickiest part will be not pushing full speed.

night.
Æ

Tunes: over the rhine - let it be

21-10

i know, it was ugly. definitely not a game for the ages. there were questionable calls. there were stunning moments of ineptitude. but when the clock turned to 0:00, only one thing mattered.

Steelers 21 - Seahawks 10

this isn't figure skating. you don't get style points. it doesn't matter if you look good winning, it doesn't matter if you dominate. all that matters is that final score. and while many of the pundits today want me to feel bad for rooting for a team who was "given" the game by the refs, i will simply point out this fact: the steelers played their worst game of the playoffs. and they still won the game. your team must be pretty good to win even playing as poorly as pittsburgh did.

look, i've seen the replays and yeah, i know, i'm on the far side of objective. but jackson did push off, even if it wasn't very much. and to my eyes, the ball crossed the line and was pushed back. and the holding call? yeah, i know, it happens every down. and i understand why seahawk fans are upset for the timing of it. but good teams overcome those things: seattle didn't. pittsburgh did.

and one other point: most said the steelers couldn't win unless ben/porter/polamalu had a big game. none of them did. and they win. to me, that says this was a TEAM, not a gathering of individuals dependent on one or two people to help them to win. the steelers represent what is good about football - teamwork, consistency, unselfishness. it is a quality organization and it feels good to have that quality recognized with a championship.

enough on that.

took the day off to get some grading done - got some, but not as much as i would have liked. amazing how the hours disappear. getting ready to load up the papers and head to chipolte to get away from the distractions here. here's hoping i can stay focused enough. worst part of teaching, hands down. hate the paper load.

a lovely day in steeler nation. bye.
Æ

friday night's not right for writing

try saying that several times rather swiftly.

another friday night, another week catching up with me. amazing how completely out of it i feel. really shouldn't attempt this - am sure to get a cramp or something. but i've been neglectful of you, my faithful readers and i must make amends, no matter how painful it may be, for either of us.

good news: another evaluation this week, another glowing post-obs. conference. they're quite impressed with the changes i've made to my classroom. i know i'm still not there, but am glad they aren't thinking of firing me any time soon. it's become more and more apparent to me that mason is the only school i could teach at - no where else could afford me. or would afford me. so i'd best keep doing what i'm doing...otherwise life could become quite the battle.

long weekend - took monday off, ostensibly to get some grading done, but mostly because, regardless of the outcome of sunday's big event, i think i'll need some time away from school. plenty of time to celebrate (read: gloat) when i return on tuesday. and being away monday will give me the chance to steel myself for the inevitable taunting should the steelers lose. unbelievably, i'll be watching the game live, but unlike ten years ago when i watched it by myself in the upstairs of my lansing abode, this time i'll be sharing the experience with the crew at the brownhouse. here's hoping it's an evening to remember, positively anyway.

cannot stop playing "forget myself" by elbow - it's on the new paste sampler and me likey lots. e-music has the whole album - may have to bump that up and download it. but not just yet.

trip to heaven tomorrow morning - getting the works done this time. then will go see the diviners at mason - was thinking i should go to the matinee, but rhonda's going sat. night, so i may go then. feels a touch pathetic to go by myself. not that that has ever stopped me before.

"once upon a time in your wildest dreams"

*sigh* the moody blues make me nostalgic. if i only knew for what...

ok, enough rambling. off to watch some "x-files" episodes - have had the first season forever and just bought the second season now that the price has dropped to 34.99. sometimes it's good to wait. more tomorrow. perhaps. you know how it goes.
Æ

Tunes: U2 - paint it black

my evening

5:58 PM
i cannot believe i have nothing prepared for tonight's house church. i prayed, i searched, and i have absolutely no sense of what God wants to do tonight. i am completely worthless as a house church leader. the group would be far better off without me leading - heck, i'm not even sure i'm leading anyway. maybe we should just talk about finding someone more qualified to lead the group before i drive this group into the ground.

8:15 PM
ok, so i'm still completely worthless as a house church leader. but i guess God didn't "give" me anything to share because He needed the time to do what He wanted to do. and to think it all started with a simple logistical question about VDay, trying to get a sense on if people made plans for the mother of all hallmark holidays. and now we're taking that theme of love and running with it in a very hands-on kind of way.

i know God doesn't call me to be inept. but i sure am glad He's able to use my ineptness to do what He wants.
Æ

Tunes: pedro the lion - promise

a thought

been thinking a lot about individualism lately - mostly negative thoughts. i know it's been held up as a virtue here in the states, but really, it seems so unnatural to me. we're not meant to live and survive on our own. we're not meant to live and let live. we're intricately tied to one another and it's only when we recognize that fact that we are able to fully live.

last night in talking to kat, the old mantra came up - we have to be complete ourselves before we can hope to be in relationship with anyone else. it's been repeated so many times we take it as truth. but is it? what if, instead, some parts of us cannot be complete unless we have others to sharpen us, to enrich us, to focus us? what if our attempts to become complete on our own remain fruitless not because we don't try hard enough but because we need others to help us?

the danger is to go overboard, say we only find completeness in others. i'm not saying that. but i am saying that perhaps this image of the solitary hero standing against the world alone is one we need to let go. and while we tend to think of them as strong, maybe the more difficult path is to actually stand with the world, or at the very least, stand against the world with others. Æ

Tunes: king's x - visions (live)

i done got tagged

look, no more wandering wheels posts. you can come back now. i may do one post bringing some closure to the WW entries. but soon you'll be forced to read my current blatherings and trust me, you'll be pining for the college me.

my friend ang tagged me with this list of questions and since smy brain can't seem to hold a thought, i'd best use this to try and focus myself.

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Sophomore English Teacher, Mason High School
2. Night Auditor, Sheraton Suites, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
3. Minister to Youth and their Families, Lansing First Church of the Nazarene
4. Night Innkeeper, Southmoreland on the Plaza bed and breakfast

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Roxanne
2. LOTR Trilogy
3. Say Anything
4. Before Sunrise/Before Sunset

Four places I have lived:
1. Norwood, OH
2. Mt Vernon, OH
3. Lansing, MI
4. Kansas City, MO

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. The Daily Show
3. The Colbert Report
4. My Name is Earl

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Denver
2. Toronto
3. San Francisco
4. Key West

Four websites I visit daily:
1. livejournal/blogger
2. my yahoo
3. steelerblog
4. e-music

Four of my favorite foods:
1. betta's margharita pizza with pepperoni
2. jalepeno's chimichanga
3. outback prime rib
4. moose tracks ice cream

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. colorado rockies
2. biking down Highway One
3. st. patrick's cathedral, new york
4. at a U2 concert
Æ

Tunes: rancid - ruby soho

Wandering Wheels - 28 January 1991

Right at this moment is the perfect ending for the trip. Behind me, toward California, the sun is setting, reminding me of all the beauty and fantastic times I had this month. But my old friend is rising full in front of me, a reminder that things change and are constant, that always before me will be a reflection of the time, a memory seen in the darkness, sometimes brighter, sometimes not at all, but always there just the same. A comforting thought as I head back to the cold bleakness of Ohio, something that no on can take away from me, not friends, not time, not other experiences.

And the trip's not over, the good times will always be with me like just now when our bus passed the other bus and Keith and I mooned it. A crazy thing to do, but nothing I'm ashamed of. Life's too short to let things go by untried, to not reach out and grab for the stars. To do so is to live a life of mediocrity, never fully inhaling the life and wonder found on this earth. Lord, continue to make me a sponge, to be aware of all you have to offer me, to not discover when I come to die that I never lived (thank you H.D.T.). Farewell until I need to relive this time again, to once more grab a hold of the wonder of Highway One.

California Dreamin'...
Æ

Tunes: nine inch nails - closer

Wandering Wheels - 27 January 1991

Actually, it is Jan. 28, but Randy collected the journals yesterday and I didn't get a chance to write what happened. And quite a bit did happen. Sleeping at the front of the Possum Seven is a wonderful experience. You get to look out the green front window at the moon. I as kind of scared to move around much 'cause Randy was next to me. Sometime in the middle of the night the drivers came to a startling realization: the alternator was broken. But we continued on anyway. On our way to breakfast we passed a Les Miz truck parked in a hotel parking lot. I wanted so much to take a picture. Unfortunately, there was no time. It must have been in Albuquerque, though I didn't see anything about it in the paper. I ate breakfast at Winchell's Donuts and slit a dozen with Chip and Jenny. Then it was back to more riding, on the bus, of course.

We were supposed to go to a church in Amarillo, but because of the problems with the bus, we didn't get there until 6:30 PM. We ate at McDonald's and sat around talking and waiting for periodical bulletins on the Super Bowl. The bus was supposed to be back at 7:30, but it didn't make it. So Keri Thorne and I ran over to the grocery store and I bought 11 doz chocolate cookies for .99. Now I'm down to exactly .75.

This next part is to be kept in complete confidence. By reading the next few lines (until I say different) I swear you to secrecy (and I mean it!). I think I may take a chance and ask Keri out when we get back. At least I'd like to. It would certainly be a first for me. I suppose that depends how I feel when I get back, but hopefully writing it down will give me incentive to keep it.

And another personal thing: I'm scared. It's hard to believe that a friendship could fall apart so fast. Mike and Laurie are still rather distant. I ought to confront them about it, see what I did wrong. But I'm scared. I just want it to all work out you know, we both realize we've been stupid and it just works out. Somehow I don't see it happening. And it bothers me. Funny when you know what you have to do but you don't. Guess it's fear. Or pride.

Well, enough talk. This ends the personal part of my diary. The rest you can read and repeat. If not, I'll tell you.

Last night I slept at the front of Possum Seven again and watched the moon and sang depressing songs to myself. I was also very hot so I stripped down to my underwear and slept that way. Of course that's not unusual, unless you consider that Marie was right next to me. I could have been in a lot of trouble if my bag had come unzipped!

We stopped quite a bit to recharge the battery (about every two hours). Then we ate breakfast at the world's largest McDonald's. I broke down and bought the world's worst vanilla shake ever. Oh well. Then we drove for a while and then stopped at a truck stop and picked up another bus. So now the group is split in two. I'm now on Possum Six, which smell a whole lot better than the other bus.

This will probably be my last entry. So much happened on this trip, so many experiences, I'm not sure how much I've changed. Randy said this is the kind of trip that you look back on in six months and realize this is where I changed. I guess that's true, that I'm a little too close to the whole experience now to really appreciate it. I do know that I've never experienced anything like this before and it is and will be one of the best times of my entire life. Maybe more later. If not, from this pint on, I'll surely be California Dreamin' for a long, long time. Æ

Tunes: dave dudley - i want a woman with a handle

Wandering Wheels - 26 January 1991

[a song was included here in the journal, written by some of the riders on the trip. And as you'll see, i was fairly prophetic...]

Hope you enjoyed that little musical interlude, though I'm sure in a few years I won't even remember the tune to sing it to. But I'll remember the memories.

Well, we're finally off, on our way back to Mt. Vernon, Ohio. The day started insanely early for me, as I wanted to get a long, warm shower (make that HOT) before we made the long rip home sans showers. Of course it helped me get my breakfast first, a tasty pancake/hard-boiled egg smorgasbord. Then I tried to get everything together. Somehow on this trip I misplace one Wheels shirt and (more importantly) a roll of film. And of course it was the best roll I had. Oh well. I hope it shows up in someone else's stuff.

We left Wenden Elementary and began our trek toward Tucson, but not before Shawn, Jim, Jack and the cooks left us behind. Already we were saying goodbye. Also Gary and Dale, our tandem riders, left as well. Unfortunately, most of the day was spent riding the bus. The night before we had decided that everyone (myself excluded) wanted to get home early, so now we are driving all night to Amarillo to go to church and then we're off and running to Ohio, with a short stop at Taylor.

Anyway, after dropping Rob off in Phoenix, we were on our way to the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum. Amusingly, Tim Pressler neglected to use the facilities before we left, so by the time we arrived, a good three hours later, his eyeballs were seriously floating and had an almost chronic case of FBS (Full Bladder Syndrome). It was when we finally reached the museum that I realized going home on $12 was an impossibility for me. The lunch prices were outrageous. I ended up eating french fries, frozen yogurt and a Snickers Bar and it cost me $2.50.

After lunch I went on a quest: a quest to find the perfect saguaro for a picture. I really wasn't looking forward to this stop but it turned out to be a wonderful time. I walked around for a while. I've now decided that aviaries are one of my favorite things. I love being able to walk though the "woods" and see birds not two feet from me. It's so calming and brings me closer to nature. It makes me realize that you can't walk through this earth without taking the time to look up and around you. If you don't, you end up missing so much. Anyway, I got to see so much of the wildlife that I was looking for in the desert but didn't get a chance to see, like hummingbirds and hawks and road runners and golden eagles and river otters and bighorn sheep. I also got to see a jaguar, which was somewhat depressing since we (as Americans) hunted them to extinction here in the US. The last part I spent with Chip and Keri (who I found looking at all the snakes).

After the museum we made our trip back toward Phoenix. However, we didn't get very far, as we ran out of gas (even the auxiliary tank). So we spent some time getting that taken care of and finally made it to Phoenix. There we picked up Rob, but had to say goodbye to Reanne, Jenny and Brian (the last two live in California. Lucky dogs) as they took off. The left us with "It's a Happy Day (Happy Happy)."

Then we went to dinner. I ate at Fuddrucker's and blew all the money I had left, no joke. I have exactly $1.00 to my name now after an incredible meal. We had a great time eating and playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We had about 12 people gathered around with a little girl who kept trying to get in. Now we're off and running again, I'm feeling stuffed and I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow after church. And Super Bowl Sunday. Æ

Tunes: monty python - sit on my face

Wandering Wheels - 25 January 1991 (the far less melancholy entry)

It's later now, same night. The melancholy still lingers a bit, but only faintly tasted. God truly has spoken softly since those first moments, but very clearly. Praise God for friends and good times to bring one out of their sadness. I'll get to the details later. Now I'll tell you about the day.

The morning was a complete disaster. First we woke up late, so I felt rushed all morning. Then the news came - Randy had badly sprained his foot. Details were a little sketchy, something about a man and a rat and a stone, but the fact remained: Team Bias would be without their leader for the remainder of the trip. Which didn't turn out to be very long. Seems that in order to get us MVNC students home in time for registration, we'd have to cut out the ride to Wickenberg, AZ. Most people were happy. I was not.

So after a short meeting, we left and began the day's journey. Just out of town Scott walked his bike over a goatshead thorn (we know this because Dr. Burkholter was our leader for the day) which set the pattern for the first half of the trip. We left California (sniff) and headed into Mexico...er...ah, I mean Arizona (don't ask. Temporary brain aneurysm). Now Arizona (bump-bump) is an interesting (bump-bump) state. It seems that it (bump-bump) wants to keep its drivers (bump-bump) awake, so it put little hiccups (bump-bump) in the shoulder. For 30 miles (bump-bump) we rode on these. I counted them. 2353. Two thousand, three hundred and fifty-three (sounds better if you say it that way). That's a lot of bumps (oh my aching butt). I wasn't in the best of moods after the bad-news morning (which, I forgot to mention, included an expensive breakfast with incredibly slow service at Mac's) and the ride didn't help. We put Chip and Scott in front to set the pace. Being the selfish, I'm-the-best-biker-around guy that I am, I wanted to go faster, but I hung back and kept my mouth shut.

We stopped in a little town called Quartzville. Not exactly a town, really, more like the world's largest flea market. There must have been two-three miles of trailers selling things, mostly gems and rocks. Not my favorite place on the trip. Then we were off again, up hill to our lunch stop. After turning off I-10 to 60, Scott and I led the group to lunch.

After a wonderful lunch of hot roast beef sandwiches, mashed potatoes, green beans and cherry cheesecake, we were off again. Since we lost an hour crossing the border, we had to fly. So Ed and I set the pace for the first 7-10 miles. My legs were seriously aching after that. We picked up Alison as we passed her group and continued our pace, slowing a bit as Scott got tired. The Arizona desert is filled with saguaro cactus (aka Road Runner cactus) and is really rather beautiful with the mountains and sky and everything. Aside: we ate lunch at a ghost town called Brenda; we also went through a small town called Hope. Today I also realized that as trucks pass you can smell what they're carrying, such as cows or pine.

Anyway, when we reached Hope we discovered that it was only ten miles to Wenden, our final destination. So we slowed up the pace a bit (except for Ed, who took off with Tour de France) and took in the gorgeous Arizona desert scenery. Along the way we were chased by a do for the first time all trip. It was very amusing.

The last five miles I left the group a little and just rode by myself for a while. It was such a great feeling. We found a dead coyote on the side of the road and stopped for a while, then resumed our riding (Dr. Burkholter wanted to pick it up and freeze it, but never did). Then we finally reached Wenden and the realization hit me: it was over. We unpacked the bikes and I became extremely depressed (see earlier entry).

We hung around until dinner time and ate (I think) our last meal, which was exactly what we had the first night: spaghetti. Then Team Bias had to do dishes. We had the best time. We had the music going and we all started to dance around the kitchen, washing and drying as we went. People were taking pictures and watching us. I really had a great time and it cheered me up immensely.

Then we had class. I realized the trip didn't have to end, that the experience would always be in my memory and that I could take what I learned and continue back home to boring Ohio. After class we saw some slides from the trip that Gail had taken and had a great time remembering everything. Then Chip, Jeff, Ed, Dennis, Theresa and I played a game of 3 on 3 soccer for a while. I won't mention who won, but their team go all the lucky breaks.

And now, while I sit here surrounded by Taylor biology students studying for their second test in 12 hours, it is time to go to bed. I leave with this thought from Dances With Wolves: "Every day ends with a miracle" (my favorite line from the movie). Æ

Tunes: luna - neon lights

Wandering Wheels - 25 January 1991 (the incredibly depressing entry)

It's over, finished, kaput. There's no more. The road has ended, nothing left to do now but pick up and go home. All around me people are screaming for joy, ecstatic that it's completed. Not me. I am more melancholy now than I've been all month. It's over. Just saying that makes me want to cry. It's not supposed to be like that. I'm supposed to be thrilled to finally get off my bike, all pumped and set to go home. But I'm not. If I had my choice, I'd keep riding. And riding. And riding. There's nothing left for me.

OK, so I'm getting a little melodramatic. But that's how it feels. Nothing to look forward to, no way to go back, right now I'm stuck in a void. I'd change my attitude if I thought'd help. But hey, I'm depressed and I think that's how I should be. I mean, here I am, I've spent the last month coming to the coast, biking in beautiful weather with spectacular scenery to keep my attention and show me how wonderful this earth is and how incredible God is and now, what do I go back to? Not a whole lot.

I think most of my problem is fear. Fear that college will seem mundane now. Fear that things will have somehow changed at home. A lot has already changed on this trip. I've become completely alienated from Mike and Laurie. They don't even talk to me now. I guess I did something, though I'm totally oblivious. And I know that the friends I've made on this trip (especially Team Bias) probably won't be around much. We all have our friends back home. That's the way it goes. Sometimes I truly h ate being a pessimist. I want to be out there laughing and hugging and congratulating. But I'm not. And I won't, 'cause the best time of my life is over, finished, kaput. This is where the story ends, my friend. The book will continue and someday I may have another story like this one. But so far this has been the best one and I'm left with an aching yearning that it would go on. But it won't. Æ

Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter

Wandering Wheels - 24 January 1991

The word for today was leisure. A nice and easy 44 mile ride, relatively flat. Of course, our day started very early, like 2:00AM early. Seems that everyone started to get a little chilly 'cause the fire was going out. So Chip, Keri and Dennis went out to get some firewood. Wouldn't have been so bad except Dennis decided he'd try to cut down a small tree (it's 2:00AM mind you). After that they woke up at two hour intervals to restock the fire. It was a great time, except for smelling like smoke and Keri and Scott waking up with burning coals on their pads.

After a tasty breakfast of Crunch Berries, we were back on the road again. The first few m iles were like a roller coaster - up and down and up and down. Other than that, it was pretty much just more and more desert. We did have a very close call with a camper (about 12-18 inches away!) right before Paolo Verde and lunch. Most of lunch was spent sunning ourselves and staying warm. Then, once again, randy decided we needed to leave just as we were drifting off to sleep. So we were off with only twenty miles left. For some strange reason (I think they spiked the bug juice) we decided to sing everything we knew, from Michael Jackson and Madonna to Cinderella and Led Zepplin. I'm sure we kept Dr. Burkholter, who had joined our group at lunch, entertained and amused. We went past Jim's group and sang, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" and seriously butchered it, but had a great time.

The day was so laid back that we arrived at the Baptist Church in Blythe, CA, four miles from the Arizona border (and a time change) at about 2:10. So we waited outside since the church wasn't open. They had a hose for showers, but the Cube got lost so all my stuff wasn't there, so I did the next best thing - soaked up some rays. That is until Theresa decided we looked hot and drenched us with water. Finally the Cube arrived and I showered and cleaned up.

Then came some great news: the theater in town was showing Dances With Wolves and we could see it for $2.50. Best money I've spent in a long time. Talk about a myriad of emotions. It's funny that on this trip I saw two films and both of them were fantastic. This film was beautifully shot and kept our interest for the full three hours (we even had an intermission). Then we went back to the church and had class for a while. By this time, we were seriously hungry, so we ordered Domino's and had it delivered to the church. Very tasty. After that it was right to bed, 'cause tomorrow is a long 65-70 mile ride. In fact, it's today, 'cause I was so tired I waited 'til today to write. And it's going to be an interesting day. Tell ya later. Bye now! Æ

Tunes: podunk - damn good day

boy howdy

confession: i actually used the title of this entry in conversation this past weekend. it may take years of therapy to get over it.

confession, part ii: i've been avoiding posting here, hiding behind my old entries. partially because i haven't found my life terribly interesting lately. but more because i'm not sure how to share some of what is going on, or even if i should. but here i am and i'll do my best to make this at the very least coherent. i hope.

let's start with the easy stuff....my steelers are headed to the super bowl. in detroit. now, i grew up watching the steelers, brainwashed by my grandma todd early on. sure, at the beginning it was great - those were the days when they were winning super bowls. but then we hit the 80s and, well, things were pretty ugly. and it's from that time period that i get my lack of confidence in my team. i always expect the other shoe is going to drop, that we're going to give up the big play, blow it in some spectacular fashion. and the past decade hasn't helped me shake that feeling, with us losing 4 of 5 afc championships. but can i get a WOW for how this season has played out? i mean i actually watched the last two games live, something i haven't done in years. and they looked great. not good - great. knocked off the 1, 2, and 3 seeds in their own backyards. and they looked good doing it. now some may claim fandom is just the cry of a shallow heart in need of affirmation. perhaps. but the community that builds up around a team is no less real than the community you find in any number of situations - civic clubs, sports teams, even churches. it's a shared experience, something we find in common with others around us. will be a long two weeks until the big show. if they play like they have the last seven games or so, we'll finally win one for the thumb. should be fun.

so....last week was a rarity in the life of thurman. i actually went on a blind date. yep. so blind in fact that i forgot to find out what she looked like, so i was standing in joseph beth looking at every girl that passed by wondering if she was my "date" for the evening. luckily, we found each other pretty readily. lovely evening. good conversation. lots in common. no nightmare stories, which is good. i've never been good at talking about this stuff, so if you're looking for details this is not the place for them.

but the madness doesn't stop there. i actually called someone else, too. must be something in the water. that or i'm realizing my feasibility window is closing swiftly (or at least it feels that way). didn't work out like i had hoped but hey, at least i'm taking steps in the right direction. tiny, infinitesimal steps, but steps.

enough of that.

finally broke down and saw brokeback mountain on saturday. had thought to avoid it basically because the story didn't interest me at all. but felt i should see it before casting aspersions. so i did. let the casting begin. i'm sorry, but i don't see what the big deal is. and while i hate the claims of agenda and all that crap, the truth is, if this wasn't about two men, it would not be nominated for so much. or be getting so much attention. first the good - it's beautifully shot and well-acted. i've always liked ang lee's work, so this was no suprise. but the story....just hard to really connect. i never really bought the passion between jack and ennis - it felt more like, "heck, we're alone on this mountain, we're bored, let's sleep together" instead of some grand passion. and i thought the story covered far too much time and they didn't spend enough time with the two main characters to make us care about them. plus, i've always had a problem when i'm supposed to be sympathetic with characters who are being unfaithful (the english patient anyone?). hold overs from my nazarene upbringing, i'm sure. but i was far more sympathetic toward the lives they destroyed than with their "inability" to be together.

and for the life of me i can' t think of a single film from this past year that i would label best picture worthy. was it really that bad or am i just forgetting?

one last thought: was reading a blog this weekend and "eavesdropped" on a conversation posted there. the claim was made that individuals are no longer comfortable with who they are, which is why so many are caught up in blogging - they do it to find approval and acceptance. as they put it, no one can just live and let live. and while there may be a hint of truth in what they said - i do think that we put our lives on our blogs out of a desire for others to read - i'm not convinced that's a bad thing. and the idea of live and let live is too easily transformed into "live and let die." we are not islands doing our best to avoid one another. as cheesy as it sounds, we do need each other - even when the other is someone we've never met.

think i'd better go to bed early - still feeling a bit under the weather. no nasty symptoms at least, but man, i can't seem to find the energy i need. only four more days of WW stuff. biggest regret: why did i focus so much on the insignificant? where are the conversations? where are the connections with others? who cares what you ate, idiot. write about the important moments.

not that i do much better now....
Æ

mark heard - victims of the age†

Wandering Wheels - 23 January 1991

You know, I thought today was going to be the worst one on the trip. But it turned out to be one of the best. I didn't start out bad. I mean, I woke up and everything was OK and I went to devotions and was happy. Then suddenly BOOM! I was on the verge of tears for some unknown reason. Then I got to breakfast at a little place called Ethel's and when I ordered my favorite breakfast, biscuits and gravy, they said that Dennis and Scott had ordered the last of them. So I settled for two hotcakes, which was good since the biscuits and gravy weren't that good.

Then the first part of the ride was extremely boring, nothing to look at, bumpy roads. The only excitement was when we scared a whole herd of sheep into running away. Everyone in the group was feeling kind of lethargic. Then we reached the sand dunes. We all took off our shoes and socks and had a great time sinking into the sand. I enjoyed myself by doing flips over the side. We played king of the hill for awhile and wrestled around. Randy was the winner, but only because he ran to the top while we were wrestling and then quit when we ran to tackle him.

Then it was time to move on. However, we didn't get very far. We took another dune break and Randy took off to take pictures. So we too k a few of our own and then Dennis and I went to get Randy and filled his shoes with sand. That must have fired him up 'cause he blew by us and we were off to the races. Luckily, lunch wasn't far away, in an extremely little town called Glamis, the off road rec vec capitol of the world. A bunch of the girls got rides from some of the guys around. Unfortunately, there weren't any female-type riders to give the guys a ride. We spent about two hours at lunch and the Randy got bored so we all took off. Oh yeah, we also piled fifteen guys into the van because the bus got stuck, but we didn't get a chance to push. Oh well.

Chip wasn't too happy about leaving, but we had a pretty good time, singing Christmas carols and stopping to throw rocks at bottles. After a small delay at the border patrol (for some reason they wanted to know where I was born), we reached the campsite. We are out in the middle of nowhere. We had to walk around and find our own firewood. After that I set up Lori and Nancy's tent since they had never done it and all of the Naz people had to sleep outside or else lose participation points. I then ran off to take some pictures of the best (and only) sunset I've seen in the desert.

For dinner we made hobo dinners, but mine burned 'cause I folded it wrong. Our tent was just the fly over the poles, but we made a little sidewalk leading to the cubicle and our own fireplace. In fact, that's where I am now, sleeping under the stars. I had a really good time tonight singing with Joel and Am and Ami - a bunch of songs from my youth group days. Now Chip, Dennis, Tim, Scott, Keri Thorne and I are all sleeping around the fire. A little bit ago we ditched a tent, the one I put up earlier. Right now Dennis is snoring up a storm and I'm running out of firelight so I'm going to turn in for the night under starry skies above. Æ

Tunes: mark heard - carry on

Wandering Wheels - 22 January 1991

From an ocean of water to an ocean of land. I've certainly become aware on this trip of the immensity of the earth. Today's ride was one of the best of the entire trip. Straight, flat roads, miles upon miles of desert scenery, a bright, beautiful sun and a somewhat cooling breeze (albeit a head wind).

The morning started early after long night's sleep, a needed one after yesterday. We got up at 6:45 AM, well before our wake up call. We had breakfast and I realized that nature was calling. Unfortunately, the toilets were backed up. So I took my first ever, all-natural restroom break out in the desert, kind of an historical event in my life.

Then Team Bias took off, after a nice little devotion by Randy about being kind. I'm so afraid that I'm going to be become insensitive to all the beauty around me. I've seen so much on this trip and sometimes it's hard to take it all in. But today's ride was something else. Mountains on the left, desert on the right, the road stretched out before us. It's almost impossible to take it all in, but I'm certainly giving it my best shot. I got to set the pace today, 'cause we rode side by side with no cars coming, at least not many. Mostly trucks, which caused wonderful tailwinds for 1 1/2 seconds. We biked a sweet pace, about 18-20 mph for about twenty miles 'til we reached a little place called Blu In. It was one of the few signs of life we saw on the first half of today's trip. Unfortunately, like many of the places in California, it was closed on Monday's and Tuesday's, so we had to settle for a short break and a quick restroom stop. Then we were on our way.

We continues our quick pace and continued to have beautiful sunshine and a cooling wind. By this time it was getting close t lunch, so we all were looking for the Cube and the bus. We'd crest hills and hope to see it, but it was always just not there. Once we saw the van on the side of the road, but it turned out to be Shawn and Tim sunbathing on the side of the road (poor Tim). Then we crested a hill and there in the distance we could see the brightly colored bus waiting for us. So we began to sprint. However, the bus was just a little farther away than it looked, so we pretty much burned ourselves out by the time we got there.

Lunch wasn't quite ready, so we pulled out some mats and did a little sunbathing. The weather was perfect and the sun felt so great. Lunch took about an hour and a half. We heard some great tunes on the radio, like "Hotel California" and "Ain't Nothin' Gonna Break My Stride." An exquisitely relaxing time.

And we were off again. The trip was pretty much uneventful. The second half we went through Imperial Valley and suddenly the dry and barren desert transformed into lush farmland. All that green right in the middle of nowhere. We stopped for a break in Westmoreland, not 'cause we were tired, but because the church wouldn't open until 3:45 and we had some time to kill.

The last seven miles were some of the worst roads we've had on the trip. Incredibly bumpy, little shoulder to ride on. Made my behind incredibly sore. But we persevered and finally reached our destination, the First Baptist Church in Brawley. Looked just like an old motel transformed into a church grounds, complete with an outdoor baptistry sporting a diving board. Randy discovered a shower out by the pool and then further surprised us by discovering it was a hot one. So everyone took their turn showering outside. Some people felt compelled to swim, though not of their own volition. By the time it was over, about 9-10 people had taken a dip in the baptistry/pool, which was approximately 30 degrees colder than the temp outside.

While others were playing, Team Bias, having got their showers first, snagged one of the best rooms in the place, complete with couch, TV, piano and electric organ. Then we were off to dinner at Pizza Hut. For some reason, the bus consistently parks as far away as possible from the place everyone wants to eat. Also, I can officially say now that I despise James Taylor, seeing as how they have played his tape for four days straight now on the bus. After two breadsticks, two large iced teas (with a salt shaker added) and four pieces of Meat Lover's Pizza, it was off to McDonald's for a hot fudge sundae.

Then we came back to the church and had yet another interesting class on power. All the biology people are seriously bummed 'cause they have two tests due I two days. Needless to say, they don't appreciate us having all this free time. I feel sorry for them, 'cause their class is ruining their trip. After our class, Randy, Dennis, Chip, Patty and I made 7-11 run for Slurpees. When we got back, we watched a little news about the Persian Gulf crisis, then eventually went to bed. But for some reason I'm not tired, so here I sit, writing my journal. I'm feeling vaguely lonely right now, but I'm not sure exactly why. I think I'm gong to go sit outside for a while and just think about things. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow. Farewell, 'til then. Æ

Tunes: king's x - she's gone away

Wandering Wheels - 21 January 1991

This was the hardest day of biking today; in fact, in my entire life. Not even when I was just staring. It's heard to believe right now as I sit around a campfire in the middle of the desert that I actually did it. Since yesterday, the roads have been dotted with cacti, mixing with the grass. Today we started from Ramona and the temperature was rather chilly (at least for this trip). Remember when I slept in a wind tunnel? Well, today I rode in one. From the beginning of the ride today, we went up. And up. And up. For about eight or nine miles. A nice, gradual climb under normal circumstances, but today was anything but normal circumstances. Until today, the weather was perfect for riding, no rain, no head wind, just beautiful sunshine. Today it was cold and extremely windy. I learned that I'd rather ride up a hill with no wind than downhill in a head wind, especially if it's cold! We climbed and climbed and climbed. Usually when we go up hills we can look forward to going downhill. But today, the wind was so bad, going down hill was worse than going u p!

After pedalling our butts off, we came down to the best bakery in all of California. And, running with the luck of the day, it was closed. So then we began our ascent up to Julian, a wonderful seven mile climb. About half way up, we stopped at a little Farmer's Market and bought some cinnamon rolls hot out of the oven and ate them out on a haybale outside. It's the stop like this that makes me love the group I'm in. It's the stopping that makes this trip great, not necessarily the biking (especially today's).

Anyway, I bought a slice of banana bread to eat for lunch and then we were on our way for the second half of the climb. I've definitely had enough of climbing. But the feeling of accomplishment I felt at the top is unsurpassed. It really makes me feel like I've done something important.

When we got to Julian, the elevation was over 4,000 feet. Not bad, considering we were at sea level yesterday. We stopped at a little market and I got two turkey sandwiches, my slice of banana bread and a Snickers bar for $2.30. Then we walked around a little more, looking at the shops around time. In one of the shops we met a lady who volunteered at the state park we're staying at tonight, Aanza-Berregno, and she talked to us for a while. Then we took off for the park.

Now the temperature in Julian was about 45 degrees and the first part of the trip was all downhill. And windy. And extremely cold. And I wouldn't change it for the world. It was one of the most intense experiences of the trip. I was behind everyone else and the view was spectacular. Five bikers speeding down curves, the wind blowing (and freezing) our faces and the mountains and valleys to either side of us. It's an incredible feeling to know you're going about 30-35 mph down hill on 1/4" wide tires. There's not hing like it.

By the time we were down, the temperature was up and we were definitely in the desert. The desert is so beautiful. It's incredible that just two days we were right by the coast (even just yesterday). The only problem was Chip flipped going down a straightaway and wiped himself and Ed out. I was behind them and it was certainly a sight to see. Luckily, neither were hurt and either bikes were ruined. The rest of the trip was uneventful, except for Randy almost being taken out by an RV.

We arrived at the camp and then some of us went to see a slide presentation at the visitors center. It was kind of interesting, except I was really tired and dozed off quite a bit. Then we came back and had a mighty tasty Mexican meal. Dennis and Chip wore their sombreros and we all did our best Three Amigo's imitations. We had a wonderful time talking and enjoying ourselves. Then they built a fire, we made some s'mores and now everyone has pretty much gone off to bed. And so am I. Æ

Tunes: crooked fingers - disappear

Wandering Wheels - 20 January 1991

You know, in this journal writing, it would be extremely easy to just have every day sound like every other day. I mean, we bike, we stop, we bike some more. After a while, it all seems redundant. But each ride is different. I really wish that I could package each day up and put it away and then pull it out sometime later when I really need it. Today is one of those rides I'd like to pull out quite a lot, though I'm not sure why.

Right now I just feel great. God truly filled this day with a lot. We got a very early start from the First Methodist Church of Oceanside, basically because it was Sunday and all the members would be coming to church. Luckily I got an early start, 'cause they had let all the air in my tire (back) out. I thought it was a hole, so Randy and I looked 15 minutes for it. But we finally got on the road.

Today we officially left the coast of California (sniff, sob) and began our trek east toward Arizona. We rode through San Marcos and then headed toward Escondido. On the way up a hill, our group smelled doughnuts, so, being the hungry group we are, we stopped at Yum Yum Doughnuts and picked up 14 doughnuts for $3.88 and sat along the side of the building and munched doughnuts. The only bad things was we were on 4-5 miles from lunch! So when we reached Escondido, we stopped at a grocery and picked up some fruit to eat a little later. Then we began our ride again.

But we didn't get very far. Randy noticed a couple of pecan trees along the side of the road that he remembered from an earlier lunch stop years ago. So we pulled over and he began to knock pecans off the trees. At first only Dennis was helping, then Scott went over. After about 15 minutes my interest was piqued enough and we all began to rummage for pecans. We were shaking branches and throwing bottles and crouching over, searching for pecans. We stuck them in our lycra shorts for holding. Then Dennis climbed one of the trees and began a rain of pecans down on us (thank goodness we were wearing our helmets). We picked up about three large bags of pecans and stuffed them into our packs and began our trip.

We found a wonderful downhill, a nice change after the flat coast, and at the bottom was a fruit stand so, of course, we stopped. Then we began our ascent to Ramona. This hill was the toughest thing I've done on this trip. But it was also the most satisfying. Up and down the hill, our bikes were spread out and intermingled, no real groups to be found. Except for Team Bias. We stayed together as a group all the way up the hill, only losing Scott about halfway up. We were singing Zip-a-dee-do-dah at first, but no one said much. By the end, my legs were burning and my back tightened up on me. If I'd been alone, I probably would have stopped and walked. But being in a group gave me the incentive to go all the way up the hill.

At the top (four miles later) we waited for Scott and munched on some of our fruit. About a mile and a half later, we reached the Congregational Church. Dennis and I decided we'd skip showers and beat the rush to the laundromat. So we washed our clothes and threw a little football and then came back and took a nice ice cold hose shower, complete with showerhead. It was definitely an experience I'll never forget, it being a bit chilly outside and being completely open to everyone.

Then I went in and watched the Giants beat the 49ers and then went and called Stacy down the road (I'm going to hate my phone bill). When I came back, Shawn and Keith were trying to throw the football into a dumpster, so I thought I'd give it a try. Turns out I was the only one to get it in out of Shawn, Keith, Vern, Matt and I. And I am the worst passer!

Then we had yet another great dinner and then Dr. Cronk had class. It was a really neat time. He shared from the kindergarten book again and then shared about himself, which was really great. We talked about conflict and the class really opened up and shared a lot. Then we had a service and another wonderful time of singing and sharing. Ted had rented Silverado and bought some popcorn and some pop and a bunch of us watched it. I finished some postcards and left early, 'cause I really wasn't into the movie. Tomorrow's supposed to be the hardest day, so I'm going to go to sleep. Later, y'all. Æ

Tunes: U2 - new york

Wandering Wheels - 19 January 1991

Sucking all the marrow out of life. Carpe Diem. These are sayings and terms that I've truly come to appreciate on this trip, maybe because I'm trying to live by them every day. Today brought a lot of things together. The first thing we did today (after I woke up feeling sick and almost puked and then ate a delicious Belgian waffles breakfast) was go to the Institute for Creation Research, a facility dedicated to evidence (scientific) for creation. I really wish I could have spent hours in there talking and learning about what they believe. I noticed some faulty logic in their thinking (such as belief in creation is the foundation for everything) but a lot of what they said made a lot of sense.

The most interesting thing about it, though, didn't occur at the center. It occurred at our next stop, the San Diego Zoo. The experience fit so well into the morning's session and really helped to illustrate a lot of different points (Break: before the zoo we stopped for lunch and Team Bias, minus Ed and Randy, went to Little Ceasar's and had a hilarious time badgering the waitress and being called Marines and being told you need a local driver's license to use travelers checks!). The Zoo was kind of a disappointment; again, it was because of bad expectations on my part. But the interesting thing was seeing all the different species of animals and discovering how neither evolution nor creationism adequately (in my opinion, limited though it may be) explain them all.

Probably the best parts of the zoo were petting the elephant and walking through the Rainforest Aviary. Looking for all the different birds and having them sit three feet from you was incredible. It, like most of this trip, made me painfully aware of the environment and what we are doing to it. And that experience of the aviary in the zoo led right into the final experience of the day. After a delicious Godfather's Pizza dinner, I went to see Awakenings starring Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro. Talk about a powerful movie. But it was very subtle in its power, something you really didn't notice until about five minutes after the movie was over. Its message fit right into the rest of the trip: take the time to appreciate the little things in life and don't take anything for granted, for one day you could not have those things. Like I wanted to do on this whole trip, we need to absorb everything and I intend to keep on doing that, 'cause someday this trip will be over and I want to have experienced all I can. Lord, make me a sponge! Æ

Tunes: U2 - don't take your guns to town

Wandering Wheels - 18 January 1991

Whew! Yet another exhausting day off! One thing about this trip: I've never been bored. And today was not different. After a doughnut breakfast, we loaded up the bus and drove to San Diego and bright and wonderful Sea World. It's been a while since I'd even been to a Sea World so I was looking forward to a good time and I wasn't disappointed. We got in rather cheaply ($7.50 as opposed to $23.50). As part of the deal we were treated to two educational programs, one about the killer whales and one about dolphins. We got to see Shamu and Baby Shamu. It was astounding the things they trained them to do. They are certainly powerful creatures, swimming up to 30 mph! The dolphins were incredible, too. It was fun seeing them there after seeing them wild yesterday. This trip has certainly renewed my interest in sea life. So many different varieties of life are there and each has its own distinct qualities. We saw bat rays, moray eels, sharks, penguins (with a neat treadmill that we had fun walking backwards on) and a couple of shows: City Streets, which was kind of entertaining; and The Pirates of Pinniped, which was a riot. It had sea lions and otters performing as well as a hilarious mime that made fun of audience members. The otter was the best, jumping across stage with a can of Pepsi or pulling a boat and stealing the treasure or hopping across with a life preserver.

From Sea World we made a run for the border. Not to Taco Bell but the Mexican Border. It was the first time I'd ever been out of the U.S. and it certainly was a day to remember. The streets of Tijuana were packed end to end with shop after shop, all trying to get you to buy things. You walked down the streets and shop keepers would say, "Amigo, come inside, I have deal for you." Most of the shops had the same merchandise in them, so we went from shop to shop looking for the best prices. You could haggle with most of the "salesmen" and get them down to your price. Dennis got a sombrero down from $12 to $5 and then nuked the guy by walking away. Most of the stories were like that.

The whole atmosphere was so bizarre! Between Tijuana and Venice Beach I've certainly had a variety of experiences. Guys would come up to us and go, "Free look!" or "Free shot!" One guy as we came out of his store said, "Buy something for your neighbor's wife." I thought I was going to bust a gut. One guy tried to sell us pornographic key chains with every position imaginable, even the "Mexican Monkey." In one store we talked to a guy for a while (probably one of the only honest guys we found). He tried to sell us Corona pull overs, but we told him we went to a Christian college and he said OK. Chip wanted to buy some fur handcuffs, but the guy didn't have any. Because he was so honest, we bought a Hard Rock Mexico pullover for $6.50. On the way out we talked to a 16-year-old who told us Mexican women LOVE American men (made us feel good).

But all of Tijuana wasn't a good time. Actually, the whole experience was kind of depressing. Little kids running around selling "chicle" or woven bracelets. Old ladies with little children begging for money. It was hard not to give money to them all, but once you gave once, they'd follow you around. Dennis got mobbed by a large group of kids just outside customs, just because he pulled out his wallet to give one kid money. An interesting place for sure, with it's Tijuana Taco Bell (a little cart on the side of the road) and cheap clothes and haggling salesmen.

After Mexico we went and ate at Point Loma Naz, a wonderful buffet and much more freedom than our cafeteria, though the food wasn't a whole lot better. Then we traveled back to the church and got into some heated political discussions that went absolutely nowhere. We talked with one of Rian's friends, a Marine, who would go to jail before war. Her husband was already over there and she was extremely opinionated. Such an interesting day. There's no way I could do all I've done out here for only the $625 I paid for the trip. Definitely one of the decisions I've ever made. Allegro muchacho, Amigo! Æ

Tunes: hayden - you are all i have

Wandering Wheels - 17 January 1991

A myriad of thoughts all jumbled together are violently twisting about in a maddening frenzy looking for supremacy over each other in the swells and crevices of my head. Total exhaustion is numbing all of my sense, making it difficult to write. What a day. Starting early this morning, even earlier than usual. With an incredible day planned, an early start was imperative. So off we went, riding through the streets of Long Beach in the early morning crispness, trying to make good time, for we had to ride forty miles before 11:00 am. We went by many famous beaches: Huntington, Newport, Laguna. Huntington curled my nose hairs, with refineries on the left and the beach on the right. We then rode by Newport, which was a beautiful city, even with the darkening layer of smog snarling on the horizon (and it was even a clear day. I'd hate to see a bad one). Laguna Beach was next and our group took a break to mail postcards and shop a bit.

Then we took off once more, up hill after hill toward our initial destination, Dana Point. For miles we didn't see much or any of the other groups. Dennis had a minor spill and banged his knee up, but he continued to ride. When we finally arrived at our lunch spot, we discovered why we hadn't seen anyone: we were the first group. So we hung out for a while while lunch was prepared. A lot of strange thoughts were running through my head today and it has a lot to do with what happened last year at this time. Funny how certain days and memories can influence your entire outlook.

After lunch came one of the big activities of the trip: whale watching/searching on a chartered boat! It was absofantabulous. Standing in the bow of the boat, cruising over the waves, feeling the wind and the spray lick my face. We stopped at a buoy out in the water and the bottom was covered with sea lions. What a life, lying around, basking in the sun, bobbing in the waves. Then we went searching for whales. Didn't find any. But we did find a large school of incredibly playful dolphins. They swam right at the bow of the boat, frolicked in the wake and even leapt out of the water. It made me feel part of their world. They seemed to be having so much fun and were happy with who they were. I'm not right now. Looking at myself I see so many dark holes, so many things I could do better. It truly bothers me that I'm not reaching my potential.

Anyway, we spent two hours on the boat, looking round the coast enjoying the sun and waves and dolphins. Once we got off the boat, it was 3:00, meaning we didn't have much time left to make the 30 miles between Dana Point and Oceanside. Plus, Pendleton Camp, which is usually used for this leg of the trip was closed because of the Iraq situation and Desert Storm. But being the die hard bikers we are, we decided to try, yet one more time, to beat the sun. Randy got the directions and we were flying! The going was a little slow at first, with hills taking their toll. Then we found our own little road with no one on it and we formed up into attack formation and pumped and pedaled 'til we were almost ready to take off. To our left the sun continued its descent while we continued our ride.

Then it was time to get onto the interstate, I-5 to be exact. Then we were speeding along with the cars, inhaling their exhaust and being deafened by the grinding of their engines. At about the time the sun was touching the waters of the Pacific, we reached Oceanside. The sunset was so gorgeous, with the smog helping to set the sky afire. But there was, unfortunately, no time for pictures.

We met up with the Tour de France group and we both reached the church about the same time. I was so sore and exhausted by that time and incredibly hungry. So I laid down a bit, then ate dinner. Randy had class again, but it was cut a little short 'cause he was losing his voice. And now I'm going to bed, 'cause tomorrow we go to Sea World and Tijuana. So now my thoughts are on paper and I can now sleep in peace (until tomorrow). Ɔ

Tunes: nick cave and the bad seeds - o children