oh Lord....
less than six hours 'til the final curtain for chess. in some ways it already feels like it's ended. cast party was last night, filled with many meatballs, many drinks and many goodbyes. poor bartender (who definitely had a paul mitchell vibe going on) politely tried to get us to leave at 2:00 am - lights on, obnoxious music playing. but we didn't want to go. heck, uber-introvert that i am stayed until the bitter end (and, in the interest of full disclosure, i was a wee bit inebriated by the night's end - a tall long island and a shot of vodka and lime will do that to you). at least things shouldn't get maudlin tonight, since we have to tear down the set and get it loaded onto the truck before we can go home. looks like i'll see 3AM again tonight.
honestly, though, i'm glad we'll have the distraction tonight. 'twill keep me from pondering the end too much, keep me from desperately wanting to make some final connection before life pulls us apart, set to drift our separate paths. last couple of days have been far too manic-depressive for me. i know 90% of that is simply lack of sleep. still, it's been a battle of minimal proportions to keep my melancholy nature at bay. figures the time i most want/need to be social is the time i'm least equipped to.
and unfortunately, this also seems to be the prime time for me to come to my blog and whine about it. sorry about that.
this has been a wonderful experience. i am still in awe that i actually got to be a part of this production. not many people out there who can list chess on their resume. and while there are those who don't appreciate the musical (*cough* citybeat *hack*), i still think the concept is a good one. and i think our production was well imagined and well executed. not sure where it will rank in terms of my favorite productions - will need to let the sawdust settle a bit before i can make an unbiased evaluation. but it's definitely been worth all the effort - the hours of rehearsal, the self-induced emotional trauma (sadly documented elsewhere on this blog), the lack of sleep, the loss of social life (well, i suppose i can't blame that all on the musical...). at the end of the night, when the curtain comes down....well, the lights go off....when we meander of the stage, i know my life will be better than when i started this.
it's all about the experience. and the people.
enough for this afternoon. probably should go take a nap so i can stay up late tonight, work my tail off. and not think about the end...
Æ
Tunes: richard cheese - bullet the blue sky
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
long and productive day
30 minutes until the season finale of the gilmore girls. here's hoping it's good enough to last me through the summer, though i'm afraid they're going to do some cheesy cliffhanger that will merely make me angry. and with amy and daniel leaving next season, i don't know. i mean, i'm sure i'll watch, but....nah, let's be optimistic. it will all be fine. it will end well and not wander near that large shark pit just waiting off the coast....
i should be at house church, but i'm not. stayed home sick today from school - cough got the best of me. didn't feel like going and infecting people. and honestly, i've enjoyed this little break. perhaps i shouldn't admit that, but it's true. i love my church, i do, but sometimes taking a step away for a bit can help. i know it has me. i'll be jumping back in full force soon enough. and i know they'll still be there, which is helpful. and comforting. and comfortable.
and i'm rambling.
finished one bell of research papers today (what a way to ruin a sick day...) and 25% of another. need to keep on top of this and get them done soon - i actually think i'm ahead of where i was last trimester. of course with performances all weekend, my grading time will be severely limited. as will the desire to grade. i'm off to a good start - here's hoping i don't lose momentum.
i'm anxious to get back to the show. seriously. looking forward to being back tomorrow. nice to have the evenings off, but really, i love doing this show. hmmmm. CMT was supposed to decide which show they were going to excerpt - Chess of 42nd Street. wonder if not hearing anything is a sign....be great to have an opportunity to do part of the show again. at least it's out of my control, so no use worrying about it. right?
so not looking forward to thursday....have film club after school, which won't end until about 4:30. then i'll have to run home, jump in the shower, shave and get set for call by 6:000 pm. no rest for the wicked awesome.
anyone out there want/need tickets to richard iii performed by cincy shakes? i bought a subscription and find myself here at the end with extra tickets. i'm willing to make a good deal if anyone's interested. just e-mail me or post a comment or something for more details.
so i've discovered which dogs have been crapping in my yard - turns out to be two of them. both of them belong to direct neighbors, one a chihuahua looking thing and the other a german shepherd type mutt. going to see about getting some fencing and blocking off the gap i think both of them are using. felt a little bad - saw tennessee (the chihuahua) in my yard and ran to scare it off, only to have the neighbor say it belonged to them. awk with huge side of ward. they apologized, i tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though it has been bothering me. i mean, there are reasons i don't have a pet of my own...at least i don't have to go buy a paintball gun to try to figure out whose dog it is (just kidding...sort of).
ok, live from nowhere vol. 1 is done ripping and it's time for gg, so i'm done. we'll see what kind of time i have the rest of the week. here's hoping i find time here and there...
Æ
Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter
i should be at house church, but i'm not. stayed home sick today from school - cough got the best of me. didn't feel like going and infecting people. and honestly, i've enjoyed this little break. perhaps i shouldn't admit that, but it's true. i love my church, i do, but sometimes taking a step away for a bit can help. i know it has me. i'll be jumping back in full force soon enough. and i know they'll still be there, which is helpful. and comforting. and comfortable.
and i'm rambling.
finished one bell of research papers today (what a way to ruin a sick day...) and 25% of another. need to keep on top of this and get them done soon - i actually think i'm ahead of where i was last trimester. of course with performances all weekend, my grading time will be severely limited. as will the desire to grade. i'm off to a good start - here's hoping i don't lose momentum.
i'm anxious to get back to the show. seriously. looking forward to being back tomorrow. nice to have the evenings off, but really, i love doing this show. hmmmm. CMT was supposed to decide which show they were going to excerpt - Chess of 42nd Street. wonder if not hearing anything is a sign....be great to have an opportunity to do part of the show again. at least it's out of my control, so no use worrying about it. right?
so not looking forward to thursday....have film club after school, which won't end until about 4:30. then i'll have to run home, jump in the shower, shave and get set for call by 6:000 pm. no rest for the wicked awesome.
anyone out there want/need tickets to richard iii performed by cincy shakes? i bought a subscription and find myself here at the end with extra tickets. i'm willing to make a good deal if anyone's interested. just e-mail me or post a comment or something for more details.
so i've discovered which dogs have been crapping in my yard - turns out to be two of them. both of them belong to direct neighbors, one a chihuahua looking thing and the other a german shepherd type mutt. going to see about getting some fencing and blocking off the gap i think both of them are using. felt a little bad - saw tennessee (the chihuahua) in my yard and ran to scare it off, only to have the neighbor say it belonged to them. awk with huge side of ward. they apologized, i tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though it has been bothering me. i mean, there are reasons i don't have a pet of my own...at least i don't have to go buy a paintball gun to try to figure out whose dog it is (just kidding...sort of).
ok, live from nowhere vol. 1 is done ripping and it's time for gg, so i'm done. we'll see what kind of time i have the rest of the week. here's hoping i find time here and there...
Æ
Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter
Monday, May 08, 2006
perfect
have been coughing uncontrollably since last night. hard to sleep when your lung is trying to escape through your esophagus.
welcome to monday. only two more left in my school year. that's a thought to scatter away any shadows.
been sorting through metaphors, trying to explain this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment i have from doing the show. but nothing seems to fit. frustrating when words fail me. i stand back stage before the lights go down and the orchestra starts and this rush washes over me and i feel at home. like i belong. this is real, this moment, these hours on the stage. everything else fades away. i'm reminded of the quote by dana on sportsnight: "I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning." that's exactly what i feel.
i think if this was the only place i felt this way, i would be in need of serious therapy (not that i'm not anyway, but i'm just saying....). and i would definitely have to be doing this for a living. and it's one of those things that pushed me here from youth ministry. as secular and selfish as it may sound, my passion for theatre was withering away, dwindling to nothing. and i couldn't let that happen because it's not just a part of me - it is me. without it, i'm someone else.
and the scary thing is, next week at this time it will all be over. and i wonder how soon until i lose touch with these people who have grown to mean so much to me. was talking to rhonda tonight and mentioned i feel like i'm at the end of "the breakfast club," that come next monday, we'll leave the little group we formed over the past three months and we'll fall back into our "real" lives, walking through the halls like our saturday school never happened. doesn't have to be that way, but it's certainly the way of least resistance. will take effort to make it otherwise.
God give me strength to make it otherwise.
off to grab some cough syrup and some green tea so i can kick this what i hope is not bronchitis thing i have. . .
Æ
Tunes: new order - state of the nation
welcome to monday. only two more left in my school year. that's a thought to scatter away any shadows.
been sorting through metaphors, trying to explain this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment i have from doing the show. but nothing seems to fit. frustrating when words fail me. i stand back stage before the lights go down and the orchestra starts and this rush washes over me and i feel at home. like i belong. this is real, this moment, these hours on the stage. everything else fades away. i'm reminded of the quote by dana on sportsnight: "I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning." that's exactly what i feel.
i think if this was the only place i felt this way, i would be in need of serious therapy (not that i'm not anyway, but i'm just saying....). and i would definitely have to be doing this for a living. and it's one of those things that pushed me here from youth ministry. as secular and selfish as it may sound, my passion for theatre was withering away, dwindling to nothing. and i couldn't let that happen because it's not just a part of me - it is me. without it, i'm someone else.
and the scary thing is, next week at this time it will all be over. and i wonder how soon until i lose touch with these people who have grown to mean so much to me. was talking to rhonda tonight and mentioned i feel like i'm at the end of "the breakfast club," that come next monday, we'll leave the little group we formed over the past three months and we'll fall back into our "real" lives, walking through the halls like our saturday school never happened. doesn't have to be that way, but it's certainly the way of least resistance. will take effort to make it otherwise.
God give me strength to make it otherwise.
off to grab some cough syrup and some green tea so i can kick this what i hope is not bronchitis thing i have. . .
Æ
Tunes: new order - state of the nation
Sunday, May 07, 2006
opening weekend
made it. with (surprisingly) energy to spare. at least i'm awake enough at 10:22 to be typing up an entry. that has to be a good sign.
it's been, what, five years since my last musical, maybe six. my time with the mv players is a bit on the fuzzy side. i'd forgotten how much i missed it. the shows this weekend rocked. sure, we had our moments when focus was lost or lines were dropped or notes were missed. but seriously, we kicked major booty. i'm proud to say i'm a part of this show. i'm honored to work with these people. there's an intoxicating professionalism in the cast, energizing me and challenging me to do my best. it's not something always found in community theatre. i can see now why cmt is widely respected in the city. of course, it's probably spoiled me for other companies....
details...tough to pick out moments. of the three performances, today's, oddly enough, was probably strongest. i say oddly because sunday matinees tend to be on the unresponsive side. but a lot of community theatre people were in the audience (a side effect of having fourteen million shows running this weekend - it's the only time they could see the show) and their energy kickstarted ours. always interesting how important the audience is in theatre. we do need them to be a part of the process, otherwise the show is loses the magic that can occur.
i'm not capturing this weekend well. will try again tomorrow. but i have to say, i am so glad i'm getting this chance to do this show. i've had the most amazing time so far. and i'm trying to not let the fact that it will all be over in a week seep in just yet. going to be strange to come next week when i don't have rehearsal, when i won't be seeing the cast on a regular basis. but that's something for another day.
hopefully my thoughts will gel more tomorrow....
Ɔ
Tunes: the magnetic fields - you're my only home
it's been, what, five years since my last musical, maybe six. my time with the mv players is a bit on the fuzzy side. i'd forgotten how much i missed it. the shows this weekend rocked. sure, we had our moments when focus was lost or lines were dropped or notes were missed. but seriously, we kicked major booty. i'm proud to say i'm a part of this show. i'm honored to work with these people. there's an intoxicating professionalism in the cast, energizing me and challenging me to do my best. it's not something always found in community theatre. i can see now why cmt is widely respected in the city. of course, it's probably spoiled me for other companies....
details...tough to pick out moments. of the three performances, today's, oddly enough, was probably strongest. i say oddly because sunday matinees tend to be on the unresponsive side. but a lot of community theatre people were in the audience (a side effect of having fourteen million shows running this weekend - it's the only time they could see the show) and their energy kickstarted ours. always interesting how important the audience is in theatre. we do need them to be a part of the process, otherwise the show is loses the magic that can occur.
i'm not capturing this weekend well. will try again tomorrow. but i have to say, i am so glad i'm getting this chance to do this show. i've had the most amazing time so far. and i'm trying to not let the fact that it will all be over in a week seep in just yet. going to be strange to come next week when i don't have rehearsal, when i won't be seeing the cast on a regular basis. but that's something for another day.
hopefully my thoughts will gel more tomorrow....
Ɔ
Tunes: the magnetic fields - you're my only home
Thursday, May 04, 2006
damn you manner mode
quick hit at lunch....
woke up this morning. my first thought was, "it's much too bright in here." i looked at the clock.
7:11
worst. feeling. ever.
i knew immediately what had happened.
called ian. talked to andy. jumped in and out of the shower. threw on some clothes. grabbed my stuff. out the door. traffic slowed me way down. but i eventually made it mhs, parked and walked into the builiding.
7:45
not bad, considering it's a 20-25 minute drive with no traffic.
we won't talk about how fast i was going between fields ertel and the mason exit.
and now all i want is a nap.
Æ
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
journal time - students are writing about what famous person, alive or dead, they would like to have dinner with. some of their answers frighten me. i think the last time i did this, the most popular answer was jessica simpson, for both boys and girls.
i fear for our future sometimes.
this is going to be a tough day. i am mentally and physically exhausted with no signs of rest anywhere in the near future. can't even take a sick day because i need to be here for the next three days to grade their presentations. and no sleeping in until saturday. i think i can hold on until then.
but then you didn't come here to read about my physical well-being, did you?
first dress (minus makeup) was last night. rough would be a good way to describe it (i'll spare you more description). this transition to the aronoff has been trickier than i anticipated. so many details and the space is much different than i imagined. and with the wings open, it makes exits and entrances quite an adventure. i did a lot of standing around last night, watching from the wings to see some of the numbers. i know, bad form, but figured this would be the last time i could do that. will spend large stretches of time up in the dressing room - my set moving responsibilities are minimal. which, honestly, makes me a little sad. it's a wee bit of ego, a wee bit of just loving to be involved, a wee bit of wanting to be significant.
i know, i really need to get over it.
it's later now and the early morning fogginess has been replaced by a constant humming in the back of my head - effects of the 44oz diet pepsi this morning no doubt. get the feeling that may become the norm this week, especially if i make unwise choices, such as staying up to watch gilmore girls and veronica mars before going to bed. in my defense, though, i was wired again after rehearsal. and both episodes were definitely worth staying up for. GG was hilarious - much snappier dialogue, the characters felt right. i laughed out loud several times. and VM had an amazing line about a blonde girl in a hamster wheel (i'll have to rewatch and write it down). actually an excellent way to end an exhausting day.
though i stole from today to do it. hope i don't pay for it later. and by later i mean right now at school.
OK, need to post this. hopefully it goes through correctly. we'll see what happens. more later, perhaps.
Æ
Tunes: sound of students avoiding work
Monday, May 01, 2006
home by 11:00
whoda thunk it?
still, tonight was hellacious, with a capital H which rhymes with absolutely nothing whatsoever.
i'm off to bed, but wanted to stop by and say i'm still alive and am immersed in two different hells, tech week and grading. figure i might as well be completely stressed all at once, get it out of the way. plus, i prefer the tech stress - at least it's a pain with an end in sight. grading....i'd like to think it will have an effect on my students, but i know the majority look to see their grade and pass over the (helpful?) comments i took the time to write.
don't grade bitter, thurm.
speaking of bitter, i'm disappointed in the ticket sales for chess. let's just say it's not going well. seriously, this is going to be an amazing show and i'd like to take the "hey, their loss if they don't see it" attitude, but t'would break my heart to play to seats half full, not because i want everyone to see me, but because i honestly believe this is a great show. i know i'm going to have a great time doing it. i just want others to have a great time watching it.
off my soapbox.
must go to bed. little wound up from rehearsal, though. need to put my brain into neutral a bit before i try to go to sleep, otherwise i'll lie there frustrated that i cannot fall asleep. bad way to start my trip into dreamland.
see you in my dreams (but only if i'm lucky)...
Æ
Tunes: rammstein - ich will (no, i am not making that up)
still, tonight was hellacious, with a capital H which rhymes with absolutely nothing whatsoever.
i'm off to bed, but wanted to stop by and say i'm still alive and am immersed in two different hells, tech week and grading. figure i might as well be completely stressed all at once, get it out of the way. plus, i prefer the tech stress - at least it's a pain with an end in sight. grading....i'd like to think it will have an effect on my students, but i know the majority look to see their grade and pass over the (helpful?) comments i took the time to write.
don't grade bitter, thurm.
speaking of bitter, i'm disappointed in the ticket sales for chess. let's just say it's not going well. seriously, this is going to be an amazing show and i'd like to take the "hey, their loss if they don't see it" attitude, but t'would break my heart to play to seats half full, not because i want everyone to see me, but because i honestly believe this is a great show. i know i'm going to have a great time doing it. i just want others to have a great time watching it.
off my soapbox.
must go to bed. little wound up from rehearsal, though. need to put my brain into neutral a bit before i try to go to sleep, otherwise i'll lie there frustrated that i cannot fall asleep. bad way to start my trip into dreamland.
see you in my dreams (but only if i'm lucky)...
Æ
Tunes: rammstein - ich will (no, i am not making that up)
Saturday, April 29, 2006
mistress
sleep beckons and i must go
she comes so rarely any more
i dare not turn her aside
lest she leave me forever
i pray tonight we'll lie locked
in a night time's embrace
where i will lose myself in her
restful ecstasy
and watch her disappear far too soon
with the coming dawn
Æ
Tunes: eisley - brightly wound
she comes so rarely any more
i dare not turn her aside
lest she leave me forever
i pray tonight we'll lie locked
in a night time's embrace
where i will lose myself in her
restful ecstasy
and watch her disappear far too soon
with the coming dawn
Æ
Tunes: eisley - brightly wound
Friday, April 28, 2006
gather ye thoughts, while ye may
how i am still conscious, i have no idea.
L-O-N-G day. and not the last over the next couple of weeks. time for my life to spiral near the edge of control and threaten to topple over. while, hopefully, never quite falling. we'll see.
final rehearsal before we load into the aronoff. couldn't have been more chaotic. first, we get news sarah erwin had fallen down the stairs, twisted an ankle. ended up in urgent care. then, two scenes in, matt was moving one of our behemoth set pieces and got tangled in a dangling fluorescent light, which proceeded to swing down, strike him on the head and shatter. he had to go to the hospital (we later found out he had a minor concussion). so not a great start. lots of little weird things happened - odd scenes, actors disappearing, musicians walking out, dropped lines (myself included - how can i only have three lines and screw up? weak weak weak). but we muddled on through. and in about ten hours we'll be back to load the truck up. here's hoping we get a good crowd so it doesn't take all day....
we've been reading "The Bet" by Anton Chekhov in class this week. wow. i love this story. my short story unit is all about choice, but i had to make sure they all read this one (or at least were required to read it - i can't force them to read). if you've never read it, take the time. amazing piece of work. and the great thing is, i think my students get it. at least some of them. actually enjoyed reading their homework - how often does that happen?
23 days.
vernon, my neighbor, came by to point out some work i needed to do on my house. at first i got a little defensive. why do we (i) do that? most of it was stuff i knew - dead limbs are dangerous, gutters really need to be cleaned out. but how wonderful to have neighbors that actually talk to you. and want to help. and watch out for you. it's one of the reasons i live here, in this neighborhood. my heart yearns for community. glad to see there are still places where it exists.
i so want to be tired. but i'm not. trying to decide which will put me into sleep mode faster - lying in bed reading or sitting in my comfy chair watching seinfeld. decisions decisions. too bad i'm not The Decider like our beloved leader.
seriously, could this administration get any more ridiculous? oh wait, they just hired someone from fox news. never mind.
at least it makes for great television - on the daily show/colbert report anyway.
enough for now. think i'm going to go with the seinfeld. almost to the end of the season. need to finish so i can move on to x-files. or maybe nx. again with the decisions.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (live cornerstone 2000)
L-O-N-G day. and not the last over the next couple of weeks. time for my life to spiral near the edge of control and threaten to topple over. while, hopefully, never quite falling. we'll see.
final rehearsal before we load into the aronoff. couldn't have been more chaotic. first, we get news sarah erwin had fallen down the stairs, twisted an ankle. ended up in urgent care. then, two scenes in, matt was moving one of our behemoth set pieces and got tangled in a dangling fluorescent light, which proceeded to swing down, strike him on the head and shatter. he had to go to the hospital (we later found out he had a minor concussion). so not a great start. lots of little weird things happened - odd scenes, actors disappearing, musicians walking out, dropped lines (myself included - how can i only have three lines and screw up? weak weak weak). but we muddled on through. and in about ten hours we'll be back to load the truck up. here's hoping we get a good crowd so it doesn't take all day....
we've been reading "The Bet" by Anton Chekhov in class this week. wow. i love this story. my short story unit is all about choice, but i had to make sure they all read this one (or at least were required to read it - i can't force them to read). if you've never read it, take the time. amazing piece of work. and the great thing is, i think my students get it. at least some of them. actually enjoyed reading their homework - how often does that happen?
23 days.
vernon, my neighbor, came by to point out some work i needed to do on my house. at first i got a little defensive. why do we (i) do that? most of it was stuff i knew - dead limbs are dangerous, gutters really need to be cleaned out. but how wonderful to have neighbors that actually talk to you. and want to help. and watch out for you. it's one of the reasons i live here, in this neighborhood. my heart yearns for community. glad to see there are still places where it exists.
i so want to be tired. but i'm not. trying to decide which will put me into sleep mode faster - lying in bed reading or sitting in my comfy chair watching seinfeld. decisions decisions. too bad i'm not The Decider like our beloved leader.
seriously, could this administration get any more ridiculous? oh wait, they just hired someone from fox news. never mind.
at least it makes for great television - on the daily show/colbert report anyway.
enough for now. think i'm going to go with the seinfeld. almost to the end of the season. need to finish so i can move on to x-files. or maybe nx. again with the decisions.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (live cornerstone 2000)
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
and the days slide on by
less than ten days until CHESS opens. hence my absence.
just returned from a rehearsal at the warehouse. always tricky - tough to hear, no where to hang during down time. i did find a little corner and a table so i could do some grading, which, given the conditions, i was glad to get done what i got done. this class has been better than the one before - actually had some A papers, unlike the first class. yikes. so many problems, i wouldn't know where to start. wish i could spend more time with them, but unfortunately, the schedule doesn't allow for that.
and i don't want to spend my time talking about that.
let's see....weekend went well. got to see everyone, albeit for far shorter than i would like. didn't end up getting out of rehearsal until 9:45 PM - so much for the hope that i'd get on the road by 8:30. so didn't hit fredericktown until around midnight. and then ended up staying up and talking to steve and angela until nearly 3AM. probably not the wisest of decisions, but was great to see them again. be good to see them in about a week - their coming down for the show and to finally see my house. guess that means i should do some cleaning. when that might happen is anyone's guess.
found out lauri's moving to NJ this summer - was hired at monmouth university. great news for her - sounds like a perfect position. plus, i'll have another friend in the nyc area for those occasional trips there - won't have to abuse anne's hospitality. speaking of which, i need to begin looking into a trip there in june to see doug's reading. been a while since i was there - will be good to go back.
good to catch up with everyone. jenna was a bit stressed, naturally, what with the play and her grandmother having to go into the hospital (who knew a urinary tract infection could wreak havoc on one's ability to form coherent sentences?). the play was...well, let's just say it was an off night for the cast. 2/3 of them definitely had talent - and they certainly covered their error well for high school students. only noticeable in the drop in energy and focus. you could tell they felt bad afterwards - think all of us who have done theatre have been there.
you know, i knew the story of steel magnolias, so i should have been prepared for the final scene, but it still caught me off guard. couldn't help thinking about chad and the echoes of my own thoughts voiced through m'lynn. left me a bit out of sorts. can't imagine how jenna dealt with it with all that's going on with her grandmother (wow, a lot of withs in that sentence).
did get in touch with jen, so drove down and spent part of saturday afternoon seeing her and seeing her house. much different than the picture in my head. lovely house. and she has a pool, which sounds great, but i imagine the upkeep is a bit on the annoying side. made me see how much work i actually need to do on my house. but good to know it can be done...
back at school. i've got nothing to share at this point.
great night at house church last night. lots of new friends there and a great discussion of the story in mark where Jesus calms the storm. i'm sure Jesus would chastise me, too, but i can't help feeling for the disciples. i probably would have been a bit frustrated if i thought the boat was about to go down and the person i trusted just seemed to be sleeping and not caring. i know it's perspective and it's hard to see the big picture when you're worried about the water rising above your head. but it's so hard to reach that place of trust. especially when the rains are blinding you. and you're trying to solve the problem on your own....
gina hits the 'wood on friday. will try and help her tomorrow, since we have a respite from rehearsal. need to mow my lawn, but with film club tomorrow (lords of dogtown), i may not have time. i'm such a bad neighbor.
25 more days of school. not that i'm counting....
i imagine my updating will be sporadic at best for a while, with CHESS and the end of school and grading yada yada yada. but i'll try to stop in every now and then, let you know i haven't gone off the deep end (though some might argue that's already happened...).
night.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - left of center
just returned from a rehearsal at the warehouse. always tricky - tough to hear, no where to hang during down time. i did find a little corner and a table so i could do some grading, which, given the conditions, i was glad to get done what i got done. this class has been better than the one before - actually had some A papers, unlike the first class. yikes. so many problems, i wouldn't know where to start. wish i could spend more time with them, but unfortunately, the schedule doesn't allow for that.
and i don't want to spend my time talking about that.
let's see....weekend went well. got to see everyone, albeit for far shorter than i would like. didn't end up getting out of rehearsal until 9:45 PM - so much for the hope that i'd get on the road by 8:30. so didn't hit fredericktown until around midnight. and then ended up staying up and talking to steve and angela until nearly 3AM. probably not the wisest of decisions, but was great to see them again. be good to see them in about a week - their coming down for the show and to finally see my house. guess that means i should do some cleaning. when that might happen is anyone's guess.
found out lauri's moving to NJ this summer - was hired at monmouth university. great news for her - sounds like a perfect position. plus, i'll have another friend in the nyc area for those occasional trips there - won't have to abuse anne's hospitality. speaking of which, i need to begin looking into a trip there in june to see doug's reading. been a while since i was there - will be good to go back.
good to catch up with everyone. jenna was a bit stressed, naturally, what with the play and her grandmother having to go into the hospital (who knew a urinary tract infection could wreak havoc on one's ability to form coherent sentences?). the play was...well, let's just say it was an off night for the cast. 2/3 of them definitely had talent - and they certainly covered their error well for high school students. only noticeable in the drop in energy and focus. you could tell they felt bad afterwards - think all of us who have done theatre have been there.
you know, i knew the story of steel magnolias, so i should have been prepared for the final scene, but it still caught me off guard. couldn't help thinking about chad and the echoes of my own thoughts voiced through m'lynn. left me a bit out of sorts. can't imagine how jenna dealt with it with all that's going on with her grandmother (wow, a lot of withs in that sentence).
did get in touch with jen, so drove down and spent part of saturday afternoon seeing her and seeing her house. much different than the picture in my head. lovely house. and she has a pool, which sounds great, but i imagine the upkeep is a bit on the annoying side. made me see how much work i actually need to do on my house. but good to know it can be done...
back at school. i've got nothing to share at this point.
great night at house church last night. lots of new friends there and a great discussion of the story in mark where Jesus calms the storm. i'm sure Jesus would chastise me, too, but i can't help feeling for the disciples. i probably would have been a bit frustrated if i thought the boat was about to go down and the person i trusted just seemed to be sleeping and not caring. i know it's perspective and it's hard to see the big picture when you're worried about the water rising above your head. but it's so hard to reach that place of trust. especially when the rains are blinding you. and you're trying to solve the problem on your own....
gina hits the 'wood on friday. will try and help her tomorrow, since we have a respite from rehearsal. need to mow my lawn, but with film club tomorrow (lords of dogtown), i may not have time. i'm such a bad neighbor.
25 more days of school. not that i'm counting....
i imagine my updating will be sporadic at best for a while, with CHESS and the end of school and grading yada yada yada. but i'll try to stop in every now and then, let you know i haven't gone off the deep end (though some might argue that's already happened...).
night.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - left of center
Friday, April 21, 2006
the end is near
last real day of break. sure, i have this weekend, but i always have the weekends, so this is the last "school day" off. sad. been relaxing break. and i did get some things accomplished - yes, the great kitchen faucet nightmare has finally ended. replaced the supply line yesterday and so far, no leaks. also got my porch swing up. not as comfortable as i might have hoped, but it looks great, so that's half the battle, right? finished laundry, got the downstairs mostly cleaned up. now if i could just do the same for the upstairs....
last night reminded me again of why i don't drink much. seriously, i am the most depressing drunk ever. alcohol does not release the fun-loving me from captivity like it does so many others. no, i tend to curl up into a fetal position and ponder the world, leaving those around me to wonder what is wrong. nothing, other than i can't hold my liquor. or something like that. felt like a bit of a wet blanket and an uber-wallflower last night at mary's. i stayed around because i was going to sing "never tear us apart," but by the time they called my name, one, i didn't hear it and two, i was in no state of mind to sing. *sigh* this melancholy introvert thing can get old really quickly....
leaving for kent....hmmm. not sure exactly. we have rehearsal tonight at 7:30, but just book scenes, so hopefully it will go quickly. going to call steve, see what he thinks. if he doesn't mind a quick flyby tonight, i think i would prefer to do that. otherwise i'll be getting up at 5:00 AM to get up to kent in time. that appeals to me not at all. am looking foward to reconnection - will get to see almost everyone, though i haven't heard from jen at all. may try one more call, but she's an elusive friend.
having lunch, i think, with kevin. need to call him, figure out what we're doing. planned on making plans at morning prayers but alas, i lost the fight with my pillow (not that there was much of a struggle). and not wanting to procrastinate any more, i just called and we're doing lunch at andy's mediterranean. mmmmmm. excellent idea. you're all jealous, i know.
disappointed that i didn't ride at all this week. guess there's still time this afternoon, but it's a wee bit on the chilly side today. not a major problem (and probably better for me anyway so i don't have to sweat profusely), but does put a damper on the motivation. of course, if i don't do that, i have no plans for the afternoon and i would prefer not to spend it napping, which has been a pattern this week. i love me my naps, but would prefer to, oh, i don't know, actually do something.
confession: i want to see friends with money. i know, i know, it will destroy my elitist cred. but oh my the eye candy. joan, catherine, jennifer and frances? geesh. i'll be in heaven for 88 minutes.
dontcha love it when i'm shallow?
which is pretty much all the time.
guess i ought to shower or some such. maybe straighten up my office a bit. get stuff together for my trip. one final hurrah before it's back to school for five weeks. we won't talk about the stack of essays that lie unmolested in the corner.....
Æ
Tunes: martin sexton - candy
last night reminded me again of why i don't drink much. seriously, i am the most depressing drunk ever. alcohol does not release the fun-loving me from captivity like it does so many others. no, i tend to curl up into a fetal position and ponder the world, leaving those around me to wonder what is wrong. nothing, other than i can't hold my liquor. or something like that. felt like a bit of a wet blanket and an uber-wallflower last night at mary's. i stayed around because i was going to sing "never tear us apart," but by the time they called my name, one, i didn't hear it and two, i was in no state of mind to sing. *sigh* this melancholy introvert thing can get old really quickly....
leaving for kent....hmmm. not sure exactly. we have rehearsal tonight at 7:30, but just book scenes, so hopefully it will go quickly. going to call steve, see what he thinks. if he doesn't mind a quick flyby tonight, i think i would prefer to do that. otherwise i'll be getting up at 5:00 AM to get up to kent in time. that appeals to me not at all. am looking foward to reconnection - will get to see almost everyone, though i haven't heard from jen at all. may try one more call, but she's an elusive friend.
having lunch, i think, with kevin. need to call him, figure out what we're doing. planned on making plans at morning prayers but alas, i lost the fight with my pillow (not that there was much of a struggle). and not wanting to procrastinate any more, i just called and we're doing lunch at andy's mediterranean. mmmmmm. excellent idea. you're all jealous, i know.
disappointed that i didn't ride at all this week. guess there's still time this afternoon, but it's a wee bit on the chilly side today. not a major problem (and probably better for me anyway so i don't have to sweat profusely), but does put a damper on the motivation. of course, if i don't do that, i have no plans for the afternoon and i would prefer not to spend it napping, which has been a pattern this week. i love me my naps, but would prefer to, oh, i don't know, actually do something.
confession: i want to see friends with money. i know, i know, it will destroy my elitist cred. but oh my the eye candy. joan, catherine, jennifer and frances? geesh. i'll be in heaven for 88 minutes.
dontcha love it when i'm shallow?
which is pretty much all the time.
guess i ought to shower or some such. maybe straighten up my office a bit. get stuff together for my trip. one final hurrah before it's back to school for five weeks. we won't talk about the stack of essays that lie unmolested in the corner.....
Æ
Tunes: martin sexton - candy
Thursday, April 20, 2006
the difference a year makes
how can something i didn't even own a year ago completely screw up my afternoon when i think i've lost it? yesterday afternoon was completely disheartening - went to get my hair cut (well, thinned since i need to leave it long for chess - but i certainly don't need the fro look) and realized my phone wasn't in my pocket. looked around aveda - no luck. then around the outside of my car. nada. inside. zip. asked in a couple of the surrounding stores. no one had turned in a phone. so i drove home. looked in my office. my bedroom. my entertainment room. nothing. nothing. nothing. so despondent, i couldn't get up the energy to do anything. so i took a nap, while thoughts of what in the world do you do when your phone disappears scurried about my head. do i call verizon? do i keep calling it in hopes that the person that has it will pick it up? and how do i do that without a landline? grrrr. so after a restless nap, i awoke to nature's call. walked into the bathroom. and there, lying in my tissue box was my phone. i'm sure i had an excellent reason for taking it out of my pocket and laying it there. and i just had to laugh.
yes yes, i know, i need professional help.
day six of my kitchen faucet fiasco. looks to be leaking from the line, not from the faucet, which is strange because i didn't touch the line where it is leaking. going to lowes this morning to see if they can help. need to get a new line and hopefully some advice on how to stop the leak. really don't want to call a plumber, though at this point it might be best to just get it fixed, no matter the cost (though i can't imagine it would actually be worth it once i get the bill - i've heard about plumber's rates - cheaper just to get a prostitute....).
did get my porch swing together and hanging, though i have to pick up a drill bit at lowes while i'm there to put on the final piece. looks good on the porch. now i just need to find some other seating, otherwise it will just be me sitting alone on my porch, which seems a bit sad.
kevin asked yesterday if chess was something he could bring izaac to. hmmm. don't think it qualifies as PG-13, mostly because we drop the f-bomb a bit much. and then there's bangkok, which might be a bit much for impressionable minds. hmmm. maybe i ought to just give him the script, let him figure it out for himself. not sure i would actually call it R rated, but there certainly are moments. it is a rock musical after all, not rodgers and hammerstein....
ok, need to go. think i'm going to do breakfast at ihop, then run to lowes and hopefully wrap up my kitchen problems and my porch swing in time to get out to salvation army and hopefully ride my bike before rehearsal tonight. bleah - going to work on "book" scenes friday, which means me. so much for leaving friday night for kent. going to be an early morning saturday....
Æ
Tunes: new order - true faith
yes yes, i know, i need professional help.
day six of my kitchen faucet fiasco. looks to be leaking from the line, not from the faucet, which is strange because i didn't touch the line where it is leaking. going to lowes this morning to see if they can help. need to get a new line and hopefully some advice on how to stop the leak. really don't want to call a plumber, though at this point it might be best to just get it fixed, no matter the cost (though i can't imagine it would actually be worth it once i get the bill - i've heard about plumber's rates - cheaper just to get a prostitute....).
did get my porch swing together and hanging, though i have to pick up a drill bit at lowes while i'm there to put on the final piece. looks good on the porch. now i just need to find some other seating, otherwise it will just be me sitting alone on my porch, which seems a bit sad.
kevin asked yesterday if chess was something he could bring izaac to. hmmm. don't think it qualifies as PG-13, mostly because we drop the f-bomb a bit much. and then there's bangkok, which might be a bit much for impressionable minds. hmmm. maybe i ought to just give him the script, let him figure it out for himself. not sure i would actually call it R rated, but there certainly are moments. it is a rock musical after all, not rodgers and hammerstein....
ok, need to go. think i'm going to do breakfast at ihop, then run to lowes and hopefully wrap up my kitchen problems and my porch swing in time to get out to salvation army and hopefully ride my bike before rehearsal tonight. bleah - going to work on "book" scenes friday, which means me. so much for leaving friday night for kent. going to be an early morning saturday....
Æ
Tunes: new order - true faith
Monday, April 17, 2006
chess rehearsal - act I
i do a lot of sitting round in this act. eighteen days until we open. not much time to go.
day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.
hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.
one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.
been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.
finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.
damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.
at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ
Tunes: king's x - believe
day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.
hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.
one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.
been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.
I am an affectionate man but I have much trouble showing it.rereading has rekindled anew my desire (need?) to stage the adaptation i wrote, what, six/seven years ago? geesh. i wait too long, i won't be able to play scout. think i need to put a call out, see if i can pull a cast together. and a crew. and see if we could do it in st. e's. worry about when later.
When I was younger I used to worry so much about being alone - of being unlovable or incapable of love. As the years went on, my worries changed. I worried that I had become incapable of having a relationship, of offering intimacy...
Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting, the fears I thought I had buried forever...
fear of loneliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable.
For so many years I lived a life of solitude and I thought life was fine. But I knew that unless I explored intimacy and shared intimacy with someone else then life would never progress beyond a certain point. I remember thinking that unless I knew what was going on inside someone else's head other than my own I was going to explode.
finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.
damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.
at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ
Tunes: king's x - believe
i love a rainy night
really thurm? eddie rabbit?
lovely thunderstorm outside my windows at the moment. sounds like water is running freely through my house. here's hoping it just sounds that way.
didn't quite make it in time to blog on easter, but need to say: Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
missed that in our service this morning (though i did get to share it with leslie).
just returned from the southgate house - rosie thomas played there tonight. her song "wedding day" has been a favorite of mine for the past several years, so i was excited to see she was playing. and it was free - can't beat that. her band had all of their stuff stolen in philadelphia friday night, so they had a makeshift set up, which for the size of the room and her material really was quite perfect. she didn't play long, maybe just over an hour, but was a great set. she has a carefree air about her and her banter between songs was quite amusing. the difference between her speaking voice and her singing voice is a bit shocking - not as drastic as jim neighbors, but not too far off. a great way to end easter weekend and ease into spring break.
i need to sit down, make a list of things i need to do this week. i had intended to post last night about my first successful home improvement (painting excluded, of course). installed a new kitchen faucet with a sprayer, something i'd been wanting to do. was so proud of myself - got the old one out, put the new one in and everything worked. unfortunately, i didn't do everything exactly right as there was water under the sink this morning. i believe i know what the problem is - they forgot to include a couple of washers i needed - but still a bit sad to see i wasn't quite the handyman i thought i was. oh well. easily fixed. i hope.
had planned to head into school tomorrow to help with the sets for seussical, but i have too much i have to get done around the house. plus, tutoring is tomorrow afternoon. and rehearsal tomorrow night. so sticking around here will be a better option. if the weather cooperates, i may try and set up the new porch swing i bought. hope i bought the right one.
easter felt a bit anti-climatic to me. couldn't focus during worship. so much changed over lent, i suppose i shouldn't be surprised to have felt this way. seems so long ago that i began the journey toward easter and my own experiment with silence. seems so long ago since we had to say goodbye to chad. much longer than 40 days.
i should not be so melancholy on so joyous a day.
i am so hungry, but i have no groceries. that's on the list for this week. wanted to stop by taco bell, but of course it was closed. grrrr. think i have some soup downstairs i could eat, but i really don't want to fix anything because, well, my kitchen faucet doesn't work....
to bed. prayers will be here in a matter of hours. and it's always beautiful to fall asleep to the rain. until tomorrow (well, later today).
Æ
Tunes: rosie thomas - i run
lovely thunderstorm outside my windows at the moment. sounds like water is running freely through my house. here's hoping it just sounds that way.
didn't quite make it in time to blog on easter, but need to say: Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
missed that in our service this morning (though i did get to share it with leslie).
just returned from the southgate house - rosie thomas played there tonight. her song "wedding day" has been a favorite of mine for the past several years, so i was excited to see she was playing. and it was free - can't beat that. her band had all of their stuff stolen in philadelphia friday night, so they had a makeshift set up, which for the size of the room and her material really was quite perfect. she didn't play long, maybe just over an hour, but was a great set. she has a carefree air about her and her banter between songs was quite amusing. the difference between her speaking voice and her singing voice is a bit shocking - not as drastic as jim neighbors, but not too far off. a great way to end easter weekend and ease into spring break.
i need to sit down, make a list of things i need to do this week. i had intended to post last night about my first successful home improvement (painting excluded, of course). installed a new kitchen faucet with a sprayer, something i'd been wanting to do. was so proud of myself - got the old one out, put the new one in and everything worked. unfortunately, i didn't do everything exactly right as there was water under the sink this morning. i believe i know what the problem is - they forgot to include a couple of washers i needed - but still a bit sad to see i wasn't quite the handyman i thought i was. oh well. easily fixed. i hope.
had planned to head into school tomorrow to help with the sets for seussical, but i have too much i have to get done around the house. plus, tutoring is tomorrow afternoon. and rehearsal tomorrow night. so sticking around here will be a better option. if the weather cooperates, i may try and set up the new porch swing i bought. hope i bought the right one.
easter felt a bit anti-climatic to me. couldn't focus during worship. so much changed over lent, i suppose i shouldn't be surprised to have felt this way. seems so long ago that i began the journey toward easter and my own experiment with silence. seems so long ago since we had to say goodbye to chad. much longer than 40 days.
i should not be so melancholy on so joyous a day.
i am so hungry, but i have no groceries. that's on the list for this week. wanted to stop by taco bell, but of course it was closed. grrrr. think i have some soup downstairs i could eat, but i really don't want to fix anything because, well, my kitchen faucet doesn't work....
to bed. prayers will be here in a matter of hours. and it's always beautiful to fall asleep to the rain. until tomorrow (well, later today).
Æ
Tunes: rosie thomas - i run
Saturday, April 15, 2006
what in the name of all that is holy
am i doing up at this hour?
for the record, it was indeed only intermission when allen came in. the concert lasted until after 1:00 AM. at least everyone left in a timely manner. unfortunately, this included anyone to help with tear down and since i had to wait until the lone sound guy was able to get all of his stuff torn down and onto his truck, i didn't leave mason until around 3:30AM.
this is ridiculous.
allen had an excellent suggestion - from now on, if an event runs over by more than an hour, then we should get time and a half. or double time. or triple time. geesh, glad i didn't have anything else planned for the evening. what if i had made plans to meet up with friends at a bar after the gig? (unlikely, i know, but still) it didn't seem to bother them that they had gone over, that they basically were holding five people's lives hostage (i'm including the custodians in this as well).
of course, the extra four hours of pay will help.
Easter saturday is always a bit odd. falling between the darkness of good friday and the celebration of resurrection morning, it's a day ripe for contemplation. it seems a bit off kilter to be running errands, working, visiting. should be a day for mourning, of remembrance. but this is the way life is, no? we must continue on with life. i think of the deaths during this lenten time, chad and mark, and remember how sometimes doing the mundane daily activities helped to take my mind off the sadness. those simple moments of every day life reminded me that life goes on, as cheesy as that may sound.
the question becomes, then, how do i spend the day? alone or with friends? i'm leaning toward alone (gee, big surprise there). must go to lowes. going to head to sam ash to get some strings. maybe over to cincinnati mills to finally buy some steelers super bowl paraphernalia might shop a bit for my new birks. lots of consumerism. but then, i did earn an unexpected extra $100 last night.
we'll debate the selfishness of spending it all on myself at another time.
looks to be a beautiful day outside. here's hoping i can stay awake for it....
Æ
ps one more day 'til the tunes return. woohoo!
for the record, it was indeed only intermission when allen came in. the concert lasted until after 1:00 AM. at least everyone left in a timely manner. unfortunately, this included anyone to help with tear down and since i had to wait until the lone sound guy was able to get all of his stuff torn down and onto his truck, i didn't leave mason until around 3:30AM.
this is ridiculous.
allen had an excellent suggestion - from now on, if an event runs over by more than an hour, then we should get time and a half. or double time. or triple time. geesh, glad i didn't have anything else planned for the evening. what if i had made plans to meet up with friends at a bar after the gig? (unlikely, i know, but still) it didn't seem to bother them that they had gone over, that they basically were holding five people's lives hostage (i'm including the custodians in this as well).
of course, the extra four hours of pay will help.
Easter saturday is always a bit odd. falling between the darkness of good friday and the celebration of resurrection morning, it's a day ripe for contemplation. it seems a bit off kilter to be running errands, working, visiting. should be a day for mourning, of remembrance. but this is the way life is, no? we must continue on with life. i think of the deaths during this lenten time, chad and mark, and remember how sometimes doing the mundane daily activities helped to take my mind off the sadness. those simple moments of every day life reminded me that life goes on, as cheesy as that may sound.
the question becomes, then, how do i spend the day? alone or with friends? i'm leaning toward alone (gee, big surprise there). must go to lowes. going to head to sam ash to get some strings. maybe over to cincinnati mills to finally buy some steelers super bowl paraphernalia might shop a bit for my new birks. lots of consumerism. but then, i did earn an unexpected extra $100 last night.
we'll debate the selfishness of spending it all on myself at another time.
looks to be a beautiful day outside. here's hoping i can stay awake for it....
Æ
ps one more day 'til the tunes return. woohoo!
Friday, April 14, 2006
'twas bound to happen
i was outed last night.
cast went out to hamburger mary's last night for a little "maryoke" after rehearsal. lots of singing. many adult beverages. and the best burger i've had in a long time. i even found a karaoke song that didn't have a four minute instrumental - weird al's "one more minute."
so anyway, we're hanging around, crammed against the wall my the masses of humanity gathered there and robert, slightly inebriated, asks if he can ask me a personal question. uh oh, i thought to myself. here it comes. been wondering when someone would finally ask. he was quite polite, not wanting to offend me. said he knew where everyone else stood, but couldn't figure me out, so he figured he'd just ask.
so, are you gay or straight?
finally. i didn't have to hide in the dark any longer. i could let the truth be known, squash all the rumours and wonderings. no more secrets. no more silence. i took a deep breath.
straight. definitely straight.
he apologized for asking, not that i really cared. i mean, in this day and age, when anything is possible, it's a reasonable question i suppose. and it's not like i give off many clues one way or another. or if i do, i certainly don't mean to. or recognize that i do. which is part of the problem perhaps. if it's a problem at all.
i found it funny. which is why i share.
am sitting at mms auditorium while the hindu society of cincinnati holds a fundraising concert for their new cultural arts center. supposed to end at midnight, but i don't see that happening. concerts still going (it's now after 11) and they still have food to eat afterwards. i could easily see this pushing 1am. contrary to my best intentions, i got no grading done. just not in the right place is the excuse i'm going with. not much sleep last night, between mary's and the party going on down the street and the thunderstorms that rolled through early this morning. hopefully tonight is much better. i did finish of the da vinci code. definitely a well-written mystery. as for the "reveations" the book gives, they didn't affect me much one way or another. raises interesting questions on what i might do if i did discover all i believed was built on lies, but not much beyond that. i don't doubt there has been corruption in the church throughout the ages - it is a human institution, after all. and i know we've lost touch with much of the sacred feminine in church history. but too many flaws in the theory proposed byt he book to take it as more than an interesting diversion.
candice and her friend amy came down to the 'wood this afternoon to walk through via crucis with me. good to wander through the stations, though doing so during the day definitely gave it a different feel. am hoping to walk through them again tomorrow night, before it comes to an end. some powerful moments. plenty to ponder. just wish i'd had more time to process it with candice. but there'll be time later.
no plans for tomorrow, nothing solid at least. a movie, perhaps? cleaning the house? a trip to lowes? have decided i need to buy a new pair of birks - the pair i have (which i'm convinced aren't true birks, but cheap knockoffs - 'tis what i get for using ebay) are slowly disintegrating. need a real pair, one that will last. will probably see what i find at the local birk store. i'm afraid the price might freak me out -but then, this is why i subject myself to things like tonight, right?
sounds like it might be winding down. i am so not getting out of here by midnight. alas. but at least i don't have to get up tomorrow.
allen just came in and said they just announced a ten minute intermission. this is my punishment for being greedy.
ok, enough for now. night!
Æ
cast went out to hamburger mary's last night for a little "maryoke" after rehearsal. lots of singing. many adult beverages. and the best burger i've had in a long time. i even found a karaoke song that didn't have a four minute instrumental - weird al's "one more minute."
so anyway, we're hanging around, crammed against the wall my the masses of humanity gathered there and robert, slightly inebriated, asks if he can ask me a personal question. uh oh, i thought to myself. here it comes. been wondering when someone would finally ask. he was quite polite, not wanting to offend me. said he knew where everyone else stood, but couldn't figure me out, so he figured he'd just ask.
so, are you gay or straight?
finally. i didn't have to hide in the dark any longer. i could let the truth be known, squash all the rumours and wonderings. no more secrets. no more silence. i took a deep breath.
straight. definitely straight.
he apologized for asking, not that i really cared. i mean, in this day and age, when anything is possible, it's a reasonable question i suppose. and it's not like i give off many clues one way or another. or if i do, i certainly don't mean to. or recognize that i do. which is part of the problem perhaps. if it's a problem at all.
i found it funny. which is why i share.
am sitting at mms auditorium while the hindu society of cincinnati holds a fundraising concert for their new cultural arts center. supposed to end at midnight, but i don't see that happening. concerts still going (it's now after 11) and they still have food to eat afterwards. i could easily see this pushing 1am. contrary to my best intentions, i got no grading done. just not in the right place is the excuse i'm going with. not much sleep last night, between mary's and the party going on down the street and the thunderstorms that rolled through early this morning. hopefully tonight is much better. i did finish of the da vinci code. definitely a well-written mystery. as for the "reveations" the book gives, they didn't affect me much one way or another. raises interesting questions on what i might do if i did discover all i believed was built on lies, but not much beyond that. i don't doubt there has been corruption in the church throughout the ages - it is a human institution, after all. and i know we've lost touch with much of the sacred feminine in church history. but too many flaws in the theory proposed byt he book to take it as more than an interesting diversion.
candice and her friend amy came down to the 'wood this afternoon to walk through via crucis with me. good to wander through the stations, though doing so during the day definitely gave it a different feel. am hoping to walk through them again tomorrow night, before it comes to an end. some powerful moments. plenty to ponder. just wish i'd had more time to process it with candice. but there'll be time later.
no plans for tomorrow, nothing solid at least. a movie, perhaps? cleaning the house? a trip to lowes? have decided i need to buy a new pair of birks - the pair i have (which i'm convinced aren't true birks, but cheap knockoffs - 'tis what i get for using ebay) are slowly disintegrating. need a real pair, one that will last. will probably see what i find at the local birk store. i'm afraid the price might freak me out -but then, this is why i subject myself to things like tonight, right?
sounds like it might be winding down. i am so not getting out of here by midnight. alas. but at least i don't have to get up tomorrow.
allen just came in and said they just announced a ten minute intermission. this is my punishment for being greedy.
ok, enough for now. night!
Æ
Monday, April 10, 2006
i'm a REAL teacher now
the long nightmare is over, at least for a year or so. mason was suitably impressed by the changes i made in my classroom management and as of last friday, i have been offered not the measly one year but a two year contract. whew. good to be validated, good to know i'll be able to keep making rent....er, mortgage payments for at least two more years. i even was rated distinguished (the highest rating) in a couple of categories. excellent.
via crucis began last night at st. e's. if you're in the cincy area, you really need to come experience it - open 11 to 11 daily through saturday. i think. geesh, i guess i should check on that. though actually, maybe i should experience it myself first. wasn't in the right space yesterday. rehearsal ran long tonight. no rush - i'm sure i'll find time before it's over. aaron has good things to say about it if you're interested. we've talked about the "weight" of the space in st. e's and i experienced it again last night. definitely a thin space. looking forward to spending some time there soon.
looks like i'll be heading to kent on the 22nd. not sure who i'll get to see, but jenna and lauri have both responded. hopefully i'll be able to hook up with courtney and jen as well. could be quite the long day, unless i decide to drive halfway there friday night. will have to see what steve is up to and if angela would let me show up late and crash in the guest room. probably a crazy thing to do, but been needing my kent fix (and if we can squeeze in a trip to ray's, all the better).
finished geisha. beautiful book. sayuri is a glorious character and feels real. have moved on to the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. about 2/3 of the way through. so wish i could use it in my classroom, but alas, they drop the F bomb way too much. ah well. maybe i could use excerpts or something.
started a poem last night - my first in a while. but my metaphors kept battling for supremacy so i think i'm going to have to choose one and start over. gives me something to do over break.
three more days. three more days.
kenny asked me yesterday what i'd been thinking about the most lately. and i said something about the compression of time and how it seems to be disappearing far faster than i can keep up. i know it's the time of year and all (plus being involved with the musical and basically working a second job at the auditorium), but more and more i reach the end of the day exhausted with no understanding of exactly how i got to the end. life is blurring and i feel i'm only getting an impression of life, not the ever-important details. hopefully next week will give me the chance to slow down, reorient myself a bit. that's the goal, anyway.
took the new-to-me lawnmower out for her first spin today. took about 45 minutes to finish the job (not counting the having to find a gas can - graciously donated by homer, my across-the-street neighbor - and get some gas to get her to work). couldn't seem to keep my lines straight - i say the lawn is off kilter. couldn't be operator error, right?
sleep calls. tomorrow is peer editing. here's hoping i don't have too many students without some sort of rough draft. they've had plenty of opportunity to get something together. still, you'd be surprised how many won't have anything. or maybe you wouldn't be surprised. i know i'm not any more.
goodnight.
Æ
via crucis began last night at st. e's. if you're in the cincy area, you really need to come experience it - open 11 to 11 daily through saturday. i think. geesh, i guess i should check on that. though actually, maybe i should experience it myself first. wasn't in the right space yesterday. rehearsal ran long tonight. no rush - i'm sure i'll find time before it's over. aaron has good things to say about it if you're interested. we've talked about the "weight" of the space in st. e's and i experienced it again last night. definitely a thin space. looking forward to spending some time there soon.
looks like i'll be heading to kent on the 22nd. not sure who i'll get to see, but jenna and lauri have both responded. hopefully i'll be able to hook up with courtney and jen as well. could be quite the long day, unless i decide to drive halfway there friday night. will have to see what steve is up to and if angela would let me show up late and crash in the guest room. probably a crazy thing to do, but been needing my kent fix (and if we can squeeze in a trip to ray's, all the better).
finished geisha. beautiful book. sayuri is a glorious character and feels real. have moved on to the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. about 2/3 of the way through. so wish i could use it in my classroom, but alas, they drop the F bomb way too much. ah well. maybe i could use excerpts or something.
started a poem last night - my first in a while. but my metaphors kept battling for supremacy so i think i'm going to have to choose one and start over. gives me something to do over break.
three more days. three more days.
kenny asked me yesterday what i'd been thinking about the most lately. and i said something about the compression of time and how it seems to be disappearing far faster than i can keep up. i know it's the time of year and all (plus being involved with the musical and basically working a second job at the auditorium), but more and more i reach the end of the day exhausted with no understanding of exactly how i got to the end. life is blurring and i feel i'm only getting an impression of life, not the ever-important details. hopefully next week will give me the chance to slow down, reorient myself a bit. that's the goal, anyway.
took the new-to-me lawnmower out for her first spin today. took about 45 minutes to finish the job (not counting the having to find a gas can - graciously donated by homer, my across-the-street neighbor - and get some gas to get her to work). couldn't seem to keep my lines straight - i say the lawn is off kilter. couldn't be operator error, right?
sleep calls. tomorrow is peer editing. here's hoping i don't have too many students without some sort of rough draft. they've had plenty of opportunity to get something together. still, you'd be surprised how many won't have anything. or maybe you wouldn't be surprised. i know i'm not any more.
goodnight.
Æ
Saturday, April 08, 2006
you were beginning to wonder, weren't you?
gina said it was cruel of me to post a message like my last one and then not post for a week. i say it's a brilliant ploy to play with people's heads.
or maybe i haven't had much time to write.
take your pick.
saturday night and i'm sitting at MMS babysitting the mason community players as they perform "second time around." not an ideal way of spending a saturday night, but it's easy money.
and i worry that perhaps money has taken over my life.
feeling a bit scattered today. brain blown here and there, can't seem to latch onto a consistent state of mind. up down in out prepositions spilling about.
and now i'm rhyming. that can't be a good sign.
four more school days until spring break. not doing anything this year, just sticking around the 'nati, going to rehearsal, working on the house (supposedly). might make a quick run up to kent the 22nd to see jenna's school play. will have to see if we can gather the gang together - and if jenna will have the time/mental ability to be social. nice way to end my "break." hope it works out. been too long since we've been together.
should be grading things. don't wanna. so i won't.
wednesday during our department meeting, one of the teachers brought up a video store that sells/rents "clean" versions of movies and suggested we should look into partnering with them for when we want to use films/clips for our classrooms. and i find i'm of two minds (damn that rhyming thing again). from a teaching standpoint, it would be great. don't have to worry about warping young impressionable minds with words they hear on a daily basis. i mean, don't have to appear to be condoning such language/behavior. and really, some movies could use a litle editing on that front. but then the writer/artist part of me questions what right they have to change my art. who are they to decide what is essential to the film and what can be trimmed away? does art belong to the artist or to the one experiencing the art? so should we put a leaf over michaelangelo's david? cover boticelli's venus? take out the anti-semitic parts of shakespeare? is it ok to change an artists work to make it "safe" for consumption? my gut tells me its wrong. but my brain can see the other side. and in the case of schools, is it better for students to see a "clean" version than to not experience it at all. the history and hollywood class (i would SO love to teach this class) showed a clean version of capote.
thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.
this is simply genius. how do i love mcsweeney's? let me count the ways....
Titles of Songs I
or maybe i haven't had much time to write.
take your pick.
saturday night and i'm sitting at MMS babysitting the mason community players as they perform "second time around." not an ideal way of spending a saturday night, but it's easy money.
and i worry that perhaps money has taken over my life.
feeling a bit scattered today. brain blown here and there, can't seem to latch onto a consistent state of mind. up down in out prepositions spilling about.
and now i'm rhyming. that can't be a good sign.
four more school days until spring break. not doing anything this year, just sticking around the 'nati, going to rehearsal, working on the house (supposedly). might make a quick run up to kent the 22nd to see jenna's school play. will have to see if we can gather the gang together - and if jenna will have the time/mental ability to be social. nice way to end my "break." hope it works out. been too long since we've been together.
should be grading things. don't wanna. so i won't.
wednesday during our department meeting, one of the teachers brought up a video store that sells/rents "clean" versions of movies and suggested we should look into partnering with them for when we want to use films/clips for our classrooms. and i find i'm of two minds (damn that rhyming thing again). from a teaching standpoint, it would be great. don't have to worry about warping young impressionable minds with words they hear on a daily basis. i mean, don't have to appear to be condoning such language/behavior. and really, some movies could use a litle editing on that front. but then the writer/artist part of me questions what right they have to change my art. who are they to decide what is essential to the film and what can be trimmed away? does art belong to the artist or to the one experiencing the art? so should we put a leaf over michaelangelo's david? cover boticelli's venus? take out the anti-semitic parts of shakespeare? is it ok to change an artists work to make it "safe" for consumption? my gut tells me its wrong. but my brain can see the other side. and in the case of schools, is it better for students to see a "clean" version than to not experience it at all. the history and hollywood class (i would SO love to teach this class) showed a clean version of capote.
thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.
this is simply genius. how do i love mcsweeney's? let me count the ways....
Titles of Songs I
Could Credibly Write
If I Became a Rap Star.
BY GREG HOWARD
- - - -
Ain't Nothin' but a G Thang, Although I Usually Go by "Greg," to Be Honest
Mama Said Have Some Milk and Cookies
Bitches and Hos (I Have Neither/Nor)
I Know Someone Who Has a Friend of a Friend Who's Chillin' on Death Row
Ready 2 Take a Nap
Roll Me a Blunt (Now What Does That Mean Again?)
The Best Tastee-Freezes Are in My Hood
YO Gangsta (Do You Know How to Get to Napa Valley? I Appear to Be Lost)
I Like Medium-Sized Butts ... I Mean, It's Great If They Have Some Dimension but Let's Not Get Carried Away, but on the Other Hand It's No Good When the Legs Just Shoot Straight Up to the Hips and There's Nothing Else There, I Hate That
Smack My Fax Up
need to go pee before the show starts. more later perhaps.
Æ
Saturday, April 01, 2006
i was never much good at goodbye
this isn't going to be easy.
been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.
time for that to change.
so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.
time for me to start living in the real world.
so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.
speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.
so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
Æ
Tunes: def leppard - foolin'
been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.
time for that to change.
so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.
time for me to start living in the real world.
so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.
speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.
so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
Æ
Tunes: def leppard - foolin'
Thursday, March 30, 2006
like sands through the hourglass
thursday? already? geesh. so much for this week.
busy. that's what i've been. first night in a while i haven't had plans. probably last night for a while, too. i look at my schedule and i think to myself, "self, are you trying to give yourself a nervous breakdown?" of course, self is too busy to notice. here's the next several days....
friday - gathering meeting after school. chess rehearsal
saturday - singing for the chess tournament. babysitting the indian new year. palmer's wake. and oh yeah, my birthday.
sunday - gathering. dinner with the family. chess rehearsal. dinner with the bruesewitzes.
monday - tutoring. babysitting the mason community players
tuesday - more babysitting the mason community players
wednesday - chess rehearsal
thursday - film club. parent teacher conferences.
i'm already exhausted.
woke up way on the early side of dawn this morning with an idea for class today, so got out of bed before my alarm and trekked on up to school to put it all together. good thing i did - my administrator came in today for what i hope and pray is my final observation. went well - students were actively involved in learning with little more than facilitation by me (which is the way i like it). took a bit of work on my part, but hopefully it will be helpful. we'll see. post obs is tomorrow and i'll get my summative. the best thing about the hell i went through last year is this year i look all new and improved. maybe i am, though i don't feel i've changed that much.
house church tuesday was lovely - many gathered, lots of prayer, good time just being in the presence of God and each other. some friends of the nixon's were in town and joined us - they brought music with them, greatly needed. and something we've (well, i've) been missing lately. need to see about changing that. will miss being there tuesday, but mammon and an overdeveloped sense of obligation calls.
from the you should always check your spam folder file: remember how i mentioned the contacts out of the blue? well, strangely enough, a friend from high school happened to run across my blog and e-mailed me. found the message in my spam folder. fun. haven't spoken to her in....well, let's just say a long, long time. man, do i love the internet sometimes. ok, most of the time.
currently reading memoirs of a geisha and am completely enraptured. wish i had read the book before seeing the movie, but too late for complaining now. the movie wasn't bad, but i wonder what the pictures in my head would have been like without ziyi zhang and michelle yeoh already there (not that i'm complaining, mind you....). i'm a book first-movie second kind of guy.
slowly running out of steam. and anything resembling meaning. off to read before my name is earl comes on. love me that intelligent redneck humor.
Æ
busy. that's what i've been. first night in a while i haven't had plans. probably last night for a while, too. i look at my schedule and i think to myself, "self, are you trying to give yourself a nervous breakdown?" of course, self is too busy to notice. here's the next several days....
friday - gathering meeting after school. chess rehearsal
saturday - singing for the chess tournament. babysitting the indian new year. palmer's wake. and oh yeah, my birthday.
sunday - gathering. dinner with the family. chess rehearsal. dinner with the bruesewitzes.
monday - tutoring. babysitting the mason community players
tuesday - more babysitting the mason community players
wednesday - chess rehearsal
thursday - film club. parent teacher conferences.
i'm already exhausted.
woke up way on the early side of dawn this morning with an idea for class today, so got out of bed before my alarm and trekked on up to school to put it all together. good thing i did - my administrator came in today for what i hope and pray is my final observation. went well - students were actively involved in learning with little more than facilitation by me (which is the way i like it). took a bit of work on my part, but hopefully it will be helpful. we'll see. post obs is tomorrow and i'll get my summative. the best thing about the hell i went through last year is this year i look all new and improved. maybe i am, though i don't feel i've changed that much.
house church tuesday was lovely - many gathered, lots of prayer, good time just being in the presence of God and each other. some friends of the nixon's were in town and joined us - they brought music with them, greatly needed. and something we've (well, i've) been missing lately. need to see about changing that. will miss being there tuesday, but mammon and an overdeveloped sense of obligation calls.
from the you should always check your spam folder file: remember how i mentioned the contacts out of the blue? well, strangely enough, a friend from high school happened to run across my blog and e-mailed me. found the message in my spam folder. fun. haven't spoken to her in....well, let's just say a long, long time. man, do i love the internet sometimes. ok, most of the time.
currently reading memoirs of a geisha and am completely enraptured. wish i had read the book before seeing the movie, but too late for complaining now. the movie wasn't bad, but i wonder what the pictures in my head would have been like without ziyi zhang and michelle yeoh already there (not that i'm complaining, mind you....). i'm a book first-movie second kind of guy.
slowly running out of steam. and anything resembling meaning. off to read before my name is earl comes on. love me that intelligent redneck humor.
Æ
Monday, March 27, 2006
farewell again
rest in peace, mark palmer
i only met mark once, last fall when we gathered to pray for him. but the love shown there, the sense of God's presence, was overwhelming. man of God gets thrown around pretty casually nowadays. but from meeting mark and reading his story, even if only the final chapter, i know that he embodied that phrase. i rejoice he is with the Father now - i weep and mourn with those who remain here. pray for amy and micah, surround them with love and comfort.
yet another reminder that so little of this world makes any sense.
april is creeping up on me and i am unprepared. mom called yesterday to talk about birthday plans and i realized i haven't given it any thought. i'm singing at paul brown stadium (home of the *snicker* afc north champion cincinnati bengals) saturday morning for a chess tournament (insert your own joke here). they needed a bass and since the other one in the show is in boston....i might also work the auditorium in the late afternoon (3-7) - jack says it's a cushy job, less than four hours, though i'll get paid for the whole time regardless. tempting. and it will keep me semi-occupied so i don't end up sitting home alone, which at this point is my plan. but then the week is still young (unlike me...).
think i'll go to bed early tonight. cold from friday is still lingering in the shadows, rearing its ugly head occasionally, usually as i'm trying to fall asleep or if i've been sitting too long - kind of like right now. breathe a prayer tonight. tell someone you love them. make sure they know.
Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying , soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen
Æ
i only met mark once, last fall when we gathered to pray for him. but the love shown there, the sense of God's presence, was overwhelming. man of God gets thrown around pretty casually nowadays. but from meeting mark and reading his story, even if only the final chapter, i know that he embodied that phrase. i rejoice he is with the Father now - i weep and mourn with those who remain here. pray for amy and micah, surround them with love and comfort.
yet another reminder that so little of this world makes any sense.
april is creeping up on me and i am unprepared. mom called yesterday to talk about birthday plans and i realized i haven't given it any thought. i'm singing at paul brown stadium (home of the *snicker* afc north champion cincinnati bengals) saturday morning for a chess tournament (insert your own joke here). they needed a bass and since the other one in the show is in boston....i might also work the auditorium in the late afternoon (3-7) - jack says it's a cushy job, less than four hours, though i'll get paid for the whole time regardless. tempting. and it will keep me semi-occupied so i don't end up sitting home alone, which at this point is my plan. but then the week is still young (unlike me...).
think i'll go to bed early tonight. cold from friday is still lingering in the shadows, rearing its ugly head occasionally, usually as i'm trying to fall asleep or if i've been sitting too long - kind of like right now. breathe a prayer tonight. tell someone you love them. make sure they know.
Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying , soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen
Æ
Sunday, March 26, 2006
another day...
...another six hours earning far too much for far too little.
one more hour left before byron comes in to relieve me. quiet morning - was a bit concerned i wouldn't get all the lights on (been a while since i had to run the remote board), but being the supragenius that i am, i figured it out before anyone got here. only one issue - seems we can't turn off the air in the auditorium and it's a bit chilly onstage, mostly because the dancers are wearing less than the emperor in his new clothes and they have about .0000045% body fat. and you know, i know it goes with the territory, but it's still a bit on the freaky side to see 7-11-year-olds wearing more makeup than ronald mcdonald. jon benet anyone?
disturbing discovery today at my local speedway - they installed a frozen pepsi machine. before i had to drive a bit to get one, but now i could walk to it. this does not bode well for me, though it might actually get me a little exercise, walking for an icee/slurpee rip off. the first one wasn't quite mixed right - here's hoping it improves as time goes by.
burning the midnight oil i finished off jPod last night. i enjoyed it, but it was missing something - no "coupland moment"™ i wasn't ever shocked out of reading by a moment when coupland wrote something i had to stop and think about. maybe i just read it too fast. maybe he's moved beyond that. maybe i've moved beyond that. who knows. i'll try to gather my thoughts for an actual review.
rehearsal today - we start act ii. in the continuing oddness of my role in chess, i am one of six actors asked to dress nicely for a full body shot - think we're going to stage the "chess match" for publicity photos. weird weird weird weird weird. looking forward to moving into act ii - i have a bit more to do in this one. was hoping the cast would go out after friday's rehearsal, but everyone took off, so i just went home. i'm trying to make connections, but not succeeding so far. again, not them, just me. of course friday i was sucked into jPod, so i'm sure i came across as less than social (big surprise, eh?).
so in the last couple weeks i've tried to reconnect with some friends i haven't heard from in a while. always a bit odd to come thundering out of the digital blue with an e-mail. worked in one case - going to finally hook up with my friend steve from high school - we have dinner plans next weekend. but the others i've had no response to. now maybe their e-mail has changed and they don't check it very often. but, being the paranoid narcissist i am, i begin to wonder if i've done something to make them not want to be in touch with me. i...must...be...liked.... and if they don't respond, do i make another attempt? or do i take it as a sign they are over me/beyond me/freaked out by me? hmmm.
isn't navel gazing fun?
if you're thinking of trying papa john's new pan pizza....DON'T! bleah. worst. pizza. ever. didn't even finish it. and then i was sick all night long. even wrote the company to express my displeasure - someone has to let them know their new product SUCKS.
such pettiness on the sabbath.
i hope the gathering™ went well this morning. first one i've missed since we started it back in january. i missed being there. and i missed hearing mike helm lead worship - heard so much about him, would have been good to experience it. some other time, i hope. hopefully eric recorded it so i can at least hear it.
i think this is sufficient rambling for now. may be back later tonight - strangely enough i'm completely free from 5:00 on. maybe a trip to the comet is in order....
Æ
one more hour left before byron comes in to relieve me. quiet morning - was a bit concerned i wouldn't get all the lights on (been a while since i had to run the remote board), but being the supragenius that i am, i figured it out before anyone got here. only one issue - seems we can't turn off the air in the auditorium and it's a bit chilly onstage, mostly because the dancers are wearing less than the emperor in his new clothes and they have about .0000045% body fat. and you know, i know it goes with the territory, but it's still a bit on the freaky side to see 7-11-year-olds wearing more makeup than ronald mcdonald. jon benet anyone?
disturbing discovery today at my local speedway - they installed a frozen pepsi machine. before i had to drive a bit to get one, but now i could walk to it. this does not bode well for me, though it might actually get me a little exercise, walking for an icee/slurpee rip off. the first one wasn't quite mixed right - here's hoping it improves as time goes by.
burning the midnight oil i finished off jPod last night. i enjoyed it, but it was missing something - no "coupland moment"™ i wasn't ever shocked out of reading by a moment when coupland wrote something i had to stop and think about. maybe i just read it too fast. maybe he's moved beyond that. maybe i've moved beyond that. who knows. i'll try to gather my thoughts for an actual review.
rehearsal today - we start act ii. in the continuing oddness of my role in chess, i am one of six actors asked to dress nicely for a full body shot - think we're going to stage the "chess match" for publicity photos. weird weird weird weird weird. looking forward to moving into act ii - i have a bit more to do in this one. was hoping the cast would go out after friday's rehearsal, but everyone took off, so i just went home. i'm trying to make connections, but not succeeding so far. again, not them, just me. of course friday i was sucked into jPod, so i'm sure i came across as less than social (big surprise, eh?).
so in the last couple weeks i've tried to reconnect with some friends i haven't heard from in a while. always a bit odd to come thundering out of the digital blue with an e-mail. worked in one case - going to finally hook up with my friend steve from high school - we have dinner plans next weekend. but the others i've had no response to. now maybe their e-mail has changed and they don't check it very often. but, being the paranoid narcissist i am, i begin to wonder if i've done something to make them not want to be in touch with me. i...must...be...liked.... and if they don't respond, do i make another attempt? or do i take it as a sign they are over me/beyond me/freaked out by me? hmmm.
isn't navel gazing fun?
if you're thinking of trying papa john's new pan pizza....DON'T! bleah. worst. pizza. ever. didn't even finish it. and then i was sick all night long. even wrote the company to express my displeasure - someone has to let them know their new product SUCKS.
such pettiness on the sabbath.
i hope the gathering™ went well this morning. first one i've missed since we started it back in january. i missed being there. and i missed hearing mike helm lead worship - heard so much about him, would have been good to experience it. some other time, i hope. hopefully eric recorded it so i can at least hear it.
i think this is sufficient rambling for now. may be back later tonight - strangely enough i'm completely free from 5:00 on. maybe a trip to the comet is in order....
Æ
Saturday, March 25, 2006
getting paid to blog
lovely. at the mason auditorium while the Cathy Roe's Ultimate Dance Competition goes on behind me. maybe not the best way to spend a saturday afternoon/evening, but for what they pay me, i can't complain. plus it gives me time to relax and chill. and grade quizzes, but that's an activity best saved for tomorrow when i'm here for another six hour shift. have to miss our weekly gathering - again mammon wins over God. sad, no? but i do need the cash. and i can't beat the pay, or the lack of work.
still recovering from a cold that attacked me yesterday morning and continues to hang on. bleah. trying to kill it with medicine, which has been ok - comes and goes. bad this morning, but shook it off. probably should have tried that yesterday, but just couldn't make it (which is why i'll have so much to grade tomorrow - unless i decide to hold on to the quizzes and grade them in class monday morning before we head down to the media center.
and none of this is of significance.
wednesday during prime time we had a little "diversity training." break down prejudices, learn not to make assumptions, that sort of thing. some interesting activities, though theere was a quote on one of the handouts that has bothered me a bit (not in an i'm going to obsess over this for days kind of way, just found it interesting - and haven't blogged since then). it gave the "platinum rule" - obviously meant to be an improvement to the ancient (and biblical) "golden rule:" Treat others as they want to be treated. does that bother anyone else? what if i want to be treated like the ruler of all the world? does that mean everyone should defer to my wishes and treat me that way? i think we get into major problems if we start thinking this way. we set ourselves up for being manipulated and used, all in the name of diversity and tolerance.
sorry, give me Jesus' words over this any day.
got an early birthday "present" yesterday from ellescriba - an ARC of doug's newest book, jPod. been causing quite the stir on the couplist. lots of soul searching, lots of stuff brought to the surface, lots of issues raised. i'm about halfway through - plan on finishing it this weekend. i think i understand the discussions raised, but will wait until i finish. no angst in me yet. but there's still half a book to go. i'm enjoying it so far - lots of flash, though not as much substance - but then that's one of the issues methinks.
right now is one of the hardest parts of lent - hours without being able to listen to the music i want to and having to hear the songs the dance teams use - right now it's some kind of techno hoedown (i kid you not). earlier it was mc hammer. i may have to hide any sharp objects on jack's desk.
ok, off to read more of jPod. maybe update my april calendar. maybe a nap. is this a great paying gig or what?
Æ
still recovering from a cold that attacked me yesterday morning and continues to hang on. bleah. trying to kill it with medicine, which has been ok - comes and goes. bad this morning, but shook it off. probably should have tried that yesterday, but just couldn't make it (which is why i'll have so much to grade tomorrow - unless i decide to hold on to the quizzes and grade them in class monday morning before we head down to the media center.
and none of this is of significance.
wednesday during prime time we had a little "diversity training." break down prejudices, learn not to make assumptions, that sort of thing. some interesting activities, though theere was a quote on one of the handouts that has bothered me a bit (not in an i'm going to obsess over this for days kind of way, just found it interesting - and haven't blogged since then). it gave the "platinum rule" - obviously meant to be an improvement to the ancient (and biblical) "golden rule:" Treat others as they want to be treated. does that bother anyone else? what if i want to be treated like the ruler of all the world? does that mean everyone should defer to my wishes and treat me that way? i think we get into major problems if we start thinking this way. we set ourselves up for being manipulated and used, all in the name of diversity and tolerance.
sorry, give me Jesus' words over this any day.
got an early birthday "present" yesterday from ellescriba - an ARC of doug's newest book, jPod. been causing quite the stir on the couplist. lots of soul searching, lots of stuff brought to the surface, lots of issues raised. i'm about halfway through - plan on finishing it this weekend. i think i understand the discussions raised, but will wait until i finish. no angst in me yet. but there's still half a book to go. i'm enjoying it so far - lots of flash, though not as much substance - but then that's one of the issues methinks.
right now is one of the hardest parts of lent - hours without being able to listen to the music i want to and having to hear the songs the dance teams use - right now it's some kind of techno hoedown (i kid you not). earlier it was mc hammer. i may have to hide any sharp objects on jack's desk.
ok, off to read more of jPod. maybe update my april calendar. maybe a nap. is this a great paying gig or what?
Æ
Monday, March 20, 2006
ruminations of an insecure actor
yesterday sucked and i don't want to talk bout it - or can't talk about it. so let's talk about something i can.
chess has been frustrating at best and i've been struggling to figure out why. i feared it was simple pettiness, sour grapes over not getting a larger role. but that's never really been my modus operandi. sure, a more active role would have been great - but i am truly grateful to be in the show.
so what's the problem? i think it's because i'm stuck inbetween. i'm definitely not a principal, though it's how i'm referred to in the script. i haven't actually counted lines, but it amounts to only a handful of scenes. those scenes, however, are significant enough that i cannot simply disappear into the chorus. at least that's what i've been told. but it seems other minor principals are able to. but those are directorial decisions and i trust mark knows what he's doing.
and yet, because i'm not able to be in the chorus, i feel disconnected from the rest of the cast. i'm on the periphery and for once, oddly enough, it's not all my own doing. so i don't fit with the principals, i don't fit in the chorus. and that's been my frustration, i think. it's the nature of the role - it's not well-written or developed, which is good because it gives me plenty of space to work within, but is bad because i get little opportunity to show that development on stage. a challenge is how i'm needing to look at it, but i'm convinced there's not enough to the role to make an impact. that's not said out of self-pity, but out of the realization that Nikolai is not essential to the musical - write him out and nothing is lost. i blame the writer - he did not make it clear what he had in mind for this character (if indeed he had anything in mind).
which leads to this sad understanding - the director knew this character was like this and he chose me to play the role. i'm torn how to take it; either he recognized my acting ability and knew i could do something with this nothing role, or....sensing my vocal and dancing abilities were minimal, he placed me in a role where i could do the least amount of damage. most likely it's a combination of the two. or maybe i'm giving this too much thought and he just needed a warm body and he somewhat randomly chose me.
so if you're thinking of coming to see Chess, ask yourself why. if it's to see an underrated and rarely performed musical that promises to be a wonderful night of musical theatre, then please, buy a ticket and come. but if you're primary motivation is to come see me, then you'd be best served by saving your time and money.
hmmmm....thought after rambling a while that i might want to talk about yeserday. but i don't.
praying for a snow day tomorrow....
Æ
chess has been frustrating at best and i've been struggling to figure out why. i feared it was simple pettiness, sour grapes over not getting a larger role. but that's never really been my modus operandi. sure, a more active role would have been great - but i am truly grateful to be in the show.
so what's the problem? i think it's because i'm stuck inbetween. i'm definitely not a principal, though it's how i'm referred to in the script. i haven't actually counted lines, but it amounts to only a handful of scenes. those scenes, however, are significant enough that i cannot simply disappear into the chorus. at least that's what i've been told. but it seems other minor principals are able to. but those are directorial decisions and i trust mark knows what he's doing.
and yet, because i'm not able to be in the chorus, i feel disconnected from the rest of the cast. i'm on the periphery and for once, oddly enough, it's not all my own doing. so i don't fit with the principals, i don't fit in the chorus. and that's been my frustration, i think. it's the nature of the role - it's not well-written or developed, which is good because it gives me plenty of space to work within, but is bad because i get little opportunity to show that development on stage. a challenge is how i'm needing to look at it, but i'm convinced there's not enough to the role to make an impact. that's not said out of self-pity, but out of the realization that Nikolai is not essential to the musical - write him out and nothing is lost. i blame the writer - he did not make it clear what he had in mind for this character (if indeed he had anything in mind).
which leads to this sad understanding - the director knew this character was like this and he chose me to play the role. i'm torn how to take it; either he recognized my acting ability and knew i could do something with this nothing role, or....sensing my vocal and dancing abilities were minimal, he placed me in a role where i could do the least amount of damage. most likely it's a combination of the two. or maybe i'm giving this too much thought and he just needed a warm body and he somewhat randomly chose me.
so if you're thinking of coming to see Chess, ask yourself why. if it's to see an underrated and rarely performed musical that promises to be a wonderful night of musical theatre, then please, buy a ticket and come. but if you're primary motivation is to come see me, then you'd be best served by saving your time and money.
hmmmm....thought after rambling a while that i might want to talk about yeserday. but i don't.
praying for a snow day tomorrow....
Æ
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
the ides of march
i really should know what those are. but i've forgotten. and i'm too lazy to ask google to help.*
at chess rehearsal, waiting to say my one of two lines for tonight. repeat after me - there are no small parts, only small actors.
i'm feeling tiny this evening.
luckily i anticipated this and brought my moleskine with me to jot down ideas. thoughts. words. random musings of a somewhat significant nature.
long day at school - OGT week. i'm sure i've belabored my disdain for standardized testing - easy target, but a futile one that isn't going to change any time soon. my class finished with an hour left in the testing time (they get 2 1/2 hours per test). makes me a bit nervous since it was one of my tests - writing. i'm afraid they didn't write enough, which is usually the problem. but too late now to worry. tomorrow i'm taking a break from proctoring (heh - dirty), which means i nee to find somewhere to go (they're using my classroom for testing) and something to do. i have plenty of grading - bad planning on my part - and i should be looking ahead. but i haven't and i can't think more than a day in advance this week.
enough tedium, though i prefer the tedium at times to the chaos of last weekend.
looking for a bright side - been reminded just how blessed i am by my friends. calls, e-mails, visits - all have helped me deal with this a bit at a time. if left to my own devices, i'd probably crawl into a hole, struggle through on my own. never know what to say to people, never know how to respond, never feel i'm doing or saying the right thing. so i'd prefer to stay by myself. luckily, my friends haven't let me do that 'cause, seriously, i would be a mess. meant a lot to have andy and bea show up for the viewing monday night - they didn't even know chad, but they were there. the power of presence. i know there are no words, but it's so easy to think that's all we can offer when, as i'm constantly reminded, it's being there that they remember anyway. so to all who have called and cajoled and e-mailed and prayed - thank you.
excellent news - tax info came back from gary today - refund is on its way. have to pay the city of norwood (forgot to tell the school's treasurer i had moved - oops), but still will get enough back to help me, oh, i don't know, have a savings account again. most of it will probably go to house stuff and day to day bills, but would be good to set some aside for a purchase of some sort. been toying with getting a new computer since this one is about six years old (which is about 976 in human years) and always seems on the verge of a major malfunction. i fear crunching the numbers that i'll have to wait some more, but we'll see. need to make sure i'm financially sound before i start dreaming.
home again and the silence is a bit overwhelming. this whole music thing is insane. the thought crossed my mind to amend my lenten promise after this weekend - no music except for U2 - but i've decided to stick it out. my biggest fear is i use music to help me process life events and i'm curious to know how the lack of music will help or hinder my processing of chad's death. sounds trivial, i know, but music is my touchstone for the events of my life. but maybe it's good that silence will be my marker for this time. we'll see. gotta say, though, it's not getting any easier as time goes by. i miss my tunes.
rehearsal finished early, thankfully. glad to have a little down time tonight to type stuff up and relax. veronica mars is new tonight (finally!) so it will be good to burrow into the comfy chair and watch. here's hoping it's been worth the wait. thought about bringing grading home, but with nearly three hours of school time to work on it tomorrow, i decided a night off was worth it.
enough of the rambling. no need to make up for lost time. just glad i've found time and the desire to speak again. night.
Æ
* The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity. The Roman calendar organized its months around three days, each of which served as a reference point for counting the other days:
at chess rehearsal, waiting to say my one of two lines for tonight. repeat after me - there are no small parts, only small actors.
i'm feeling tiny this evening.
luckily i anticipated this and brought my moleskine with me to jot down ideas. thoughts. words. random musings of a somewhat significant nature.
long day at school - OGT week. i'm sure i've belabored my disdain for standardized testing - easy target, but a futile one that isn't going to change any time soon. my class finished with an hour left in the testing time (they get 2 1/2 hours per test). makes me a bit nervous since it was one of my tests - writing. i'm afraid they didn't write enough, which is usually the problem. but too late now to worry. tomorrow i'm taking a break from proctoring (heh - dirty), which means i nee to find somewhere to go (they're using my classroom for testing) and something to do. i have plenty of grading - bad planning on my part - and i should be looking ahead. but i haven't and i can't think more than a day in advance this week.
enough tedium, though i prefer the tedium at times to the chaos of last weekend.
looking for a bright side - been reminded just how blessed i am by my friends. calls, e-mails, visits - all have helped me deal with this a bit at a time. if left to my own devices, i'd probably crawl into a hole, struggle through on my own. never know what to say to people, never know how to respond, never feel i'm doing or saying the right thing. so i'd prefer to stay by myself. luckily, my friends haven't let me do that 'cause, seriously, i would be a mess. meant a lot to have andy and bea show up for the viewing monday night - they didn't even know chad, but they were there. the power of presence. i know there are no words, but it's so easy to think that's all we can offer when, as i'm constantly reminded, it's being there that they remember anyway. so to all who have called and cajoled and e-mailed and prayed - thank you.
excellent news - tax info came back from gary today - refund is on its way. have to pay the city of norwood (forgot to tell the school's treasurer i had moved - oops), but still will get enough back to help me, oh, i don't know, have a savings account again. most of it will probably go to house stuff and day to day bills, but would be good to set some aside for a purchase of some sort. been toying with getting a new computer since this one is about six years old (which is about 976 in human years) and always seems on the verge of a major malfunction. i fear crunching the numbers that i'll have to wait some more, but we'll see. need to make sure i'm financially sound before i start dreaming.
home again and the silence is a bit overwhelming. this whole music thing is insane. the thought crossed my mind to amend my lenten promise after this weekend - no music except for U2 - but i've decided to stick it out. my biggest fear is i use music to help me process life events and i'm curious to know how the lack of music will help or hinder my processing of chad's death. sounds trivial, i know, but music is my touchstone for the events of my life. but maybe it's good that silence will be my marker for this time. we'll see. gotta say, though, it's not getting any easier as time goes by. i miss my tunes.
rehearsal finished early, thankfully. glad to have a little down time tonight to type stuff up and relax. veronica mars is new tonight (finally!) so it will be good to burrow into the comfy chair and watch. here's hoping it's been worth the wait. thought about bringing grading home, but with nearly three hours of school time to work on it tomorrow, i decided a night off was worth it.
enough of the rambling. no need to make up for lost time. just glad i've found time and the desire to speak again. night.
Æ
* The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity. The Roman calendar organized its months around three days, each of which served as a reference point for counting the other days:
- Kalends (1st day of the month)
- Nones (the 7th day in March, May, July, and October; the 5th in the other months)
- Ides (the 15th day in March, May, July, and October; the 13th in the other months)
The remaining, unnamed days of the month were identified by counting backwards from the Kalends, Nones, or the Ides. For example, March 3 would be V Nones—5 days before the Nones (the Roman method of counting days was inclusive; in other words, the Nones would be counted as one of the 5 days).
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
i have nothing to share but cliches
but i suppose it's better than nothing.
i hope.
death has a way of reorienting us - we recognize what's truly important, what's truly meaningless, what's missing, what we have. the world isn't the same as it was before. it's different. we're different. which causes all kinds of problems since most days we don't like to think about these things. we don't like to dwell on the larger questions because, frankly, it takes too much out of us. it's too hard and we'd prefer to just live our lives instead of making sense of them.
thank you, chad, for making it impossible for me to ignore the important questions of life.
just returned from our house church meeting where we spent the time processing (i'm growing to hate that word) the past week. steve did some live blogging if you're interested to see what we talked about. maybe it will help you as well. we listened to chad's podcast about poema, the church he and renee were starting in norwood. good to hear his voice again. good to listen to his heart. one important moment - he was talking about going through tragedy and the questions that come up and it was almost like he was speaking right to us - how we may not understand why they happen, but we know God can do miraculous things through them. all of our mouths kind of dropped at that moment.
we all felt chad was there - not in a typical, he's-here-as-long-as-we-remember-him kind of way. but in a real, physical presence. we talked how thin the walls between this reality and God's reality truly are and how death makes that thinness even more evident. i pray God will continue to remind us of that.
chad's the first non-family member close to me to ever die, so obviously there's significance there. but more than that, there are curious parallels to our lives that have really impacted me. beyond the surface stuff - love for U2 and the steelers - we were alike in many ways. we both left "professional ministry" to seek a less traveled path. we both sought for the intersection of our faith and the arts. we both tended to be slow to speak, introverts. soaking it all in before saying anything. these similarities have cause me to question many parts of my life. some of that is the old cliche, "it could have been me." some because in many ways, he was living my life better than i am (and i mean that in the best way possible). it was eerie at times to reread his blog and discover that he had many of the same thoughts i had, same questions.
i really don't have any grand insights here, just ideas that have passed through my head this week. some i'll keep to myself - i'll be burning an entire notebook page of excrement i spewed forth yesterday (not helpful to anyone, other than me to get it out of my system). and i certainly have no answers to the questions pummeling me over and over again. and that's ok, i think. i don't need the answers. i am content letting the questions shape me for a while.
sorry i've been absent for so long. hit a bad spot there for a while. actually, i almost gave up blogging completely. but like an addiction, i can't seem to shake it. so i'll be here for a bit longer. forgive me if i become preoccupied for a while - i'll try not to make every post about how i'm dealing with this. there's plenty of frivolousness for me to expound on still and i'll get to it soon (like how it looks like i picked a bad time to give up music....).
good night, my friends.
Æ
i hope.
death has a way of reorienting us - we recognize what's truly important, what's truly meaningless, what's missing, what we have. the world isn't the same as it was before. it's different. we're different. which causes all kinds of problems since most days we don't like to think about these things. we don't like to dwell on the larger questions because, frankly, it takes too much out of us. it's too hard and we'd prefer to just live our lives instead of making sense of them.
thank you, chad, for making it impossible for me to ignore the important questions of life.
just returned from our house church meeting where we spent the time processing (i'm growing to hate that word) the past week. steve did some live blogging if you're interested to see what we talked about. maybe it will help you as well. we listened to chad's podcast about poema, the church he and renee were starting in norwood. good to hear his voice again. good to listen to his heart. one important moment - he was talking about going through tragedy and the questions that come up and it was almost like he was speaking right to us - how we may not understand why they happen, but we know God can do miraculous things through them. all of our mouths kind of dropped at that moment.
we all felt chad was there - not in a typical, he's-here-as-long-as-we-remember-him kind of way. but in a real, physical presence. we talked how thin the walls between this reality and God's reality truly are and how death makes that thinness even more evident. i pray God will continue to remind us of that.
chad's the first non-family member close to me to ever die, so obviously there's significance there. but more than that, there are curious parallels to our lives that have really impacted me. beyond the surface stuff - love for U2 and the steelers - we were alike in many ways. we both left "professional ministry" to seek a less traveled path. we both sought for the intersection of our faith and the arts. we both tended to be slow to speak, introverts. soaking it all in before saying anything. these similarities have cause me to question many parts of my life. some of that is the old cliche, "it could have been me." some because in many ways, he was living my life better than i am (and i mean that in the best way possible). it was eerie at times to reread his blog and discover that he had many of the same thoughts i had, same questions.
i really don't have any grand insights here, just ideas that have passed through my head this week. some i'll keep to myself - i'll be burning an entire notebook page of excrement i spewed forth yesterday (not helpful to anyone, other than me to get it out of my system). and i certainly have no answers to the questions pummeling me over and over again. and that's ok, i think. i don't need the answers. i am content letting the questions shape me for a while.
sorry i've been absent for so long. hit a bad spot there for a while. actually, i almost gave up blogging completely. but like an addiction, i can't seem to shake it. so i'll be here for a bit longer. forgive me if i become preoccupied for a while - i'll try not to make every post about how i'm dealing with this. there's plenty of frivolousness for me to expound on still and i'll get to it soon (like how it looks like i picked a bad time to give up music....).
good night, my friends.
Æ
Monday, March 13, 2006
for chad
you planted yourself here
amid this broken urban landscape
to shape your own soul
yet we find the city ourselves
transformed by the force of your life
your love your passion for the deep places
of this shallowed existence
and the echoes ring even now
down streets you walked
over dreams you laid before us
in hearts you opened to the possibility of God
we speak of mystery
of glasses darkly and whirlwinds unfathomable
of ways beyond our understanding
hoping to convince ourselves
this will all make sense someday
but this silence stuns
and we stand staring at this hole
believing God is on the other side
straining to see through the darkness
to the Light hiding in the shadows
Father, help our eyes to adjust soon
until then we’ll share stories
of your life too brief yet full
of all that makes life Life
beauty truth passion grace
and Love embodied
and shared and experienced
and missed
help us remember we are but dust
help us remember the spaces between
help us remember it’s Love that reigns
help us remember you
Æ
amid this broken urban landscape
to shape your own soul
yet we find the city ourselves
transformed by the force of your life
your love your passion for the deep places
of this shallowed existence
and the echoes ring even now
down streets you walked
over dreams you laid before us
in hearts you opened to the possibility of God
we speak of mystery
of glasses darkly and whirlwinds unfathomable
of ways beyond our understanding
hoping to convince ourselves
this will all make sense someday
but this silence stuns
and we stand staring at this hole
believing God is on the other side
straining to see through the darkness
to the Light hiding in the shadows
Father, help our eyes to adjust soon
until then we’ll share stories
of your life too brief yet full
of all that makes life Life
beauty truth passion grace
and Love embodied
and shared and experienced
and missed
help us remember we are but dust
help us remember the spaces between
help us remember it’s Love that reigns
help us remember you
Æ
Friday, March 10, 2006
chad canipe
Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, rain down on he.
So let it be.
So let it be.
Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, let it rain
Rain down on he.
i'll miss you, my friend.
Æ
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, rain down on he.
So let it be.
So let it be.
Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, let it rain
Rain down on he.
i'll miss you, my friend.
Æ
Thursday, February 23, 2006
first moves
i know, cheesy title. what can i say?
some (OK,![[info]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uz5m1A0ajeuxwk4lnzYOZbD5Y01tl9fORRaEbY0i5_mSDOTTlfCHg6Ej80uBsiWxIX5Yrd7206YI4YI9kfL3-ZpuxY03UFklJiHpYJ60Vg=s0-d)
peanutdowns mostly) have been asking for an update on my experiences as a cast member in Chess. have been meaning to do this, but theendofthetrimester has pretty much occupied all of my time (not to mention the existential angst of deciding i'm not truly a writer - but that's a post for another time). but now that exams are going and i find myself with a miraculous "free night," i thought i'd give some initial thoughts.
first, the musical itself. i have to admit, i'm a bit disappointed. see, i "grew up" on the london version of the show. we're doing the american. and oh my the differences. the songs are there, but some have been changed to fit the new book. and the new book sucks. sorry, no other way to put it. from what i've been able to piece together, mr. rice was unhappy with the way the london production went, so hired richard nelson to rework the book. huge mistake. i don't know what else mr. nelson has done (and i have neither the time nor the interest to find out), but my gosh did he butcher this. the story changes make little sense, the dialogue is stilted at best. don't get me wrong - the show was never really about the story. and the songs will be great to see stage. i'm just disappointed that for legal reasons only the american version can be done here.
that said, it's great to get the opportunity to sing these songs i've been singing in the shower in a public setting. the learning of the songs has been fairly easy, mostly because i'm SO familiar with the soundtrack. and i've realized i've missed singing in a choir/chorus setting. love singing those parts. funny, i'm probably the only true bass in the cast and i'm much more comfortable in the baritone range. fun to hear your typical musical types trying to sing bass lines. makes me laugh (but not out loud, of course. that would be rude).
i hesitate to talk about the cast because, well, i haven't really had the chance to get to know them much (plus, they may someday find my blog and i'd hate to say something i'd have to apologize for later). being the new guy and an introvert to boot, i've been lurking in shadows. but most of the stereotypes are there - if you've ever done a musical or community theatre, you know what i'm talking about. i don't think i'm the only straight guy, but i'm guessing i'm the minority here. and no, that's not a surprise, just an observation.
as for my role in the musical, i'm beginning to regret actually getting a "named" part. i think i'm going to miss being in the chorus - strangely enough, i may have less to do than many of the cast members. though i do get to learn how to say "f*%k your mother" in russian. i'll be sure to let you know how that goes. speaking of russian, i had my first experience with a dialect coach (rocco's his name, languages his game). i usually have a pretty good ear for accents and have done russian before. but now that i've been "taught" how to do it correctly, i'm having a harder time with it. too much thinking going on. need to learn the "rules" and then just let myself do it instead of thinking about it.
confession: i'm feeling a bit of jealousy. there's a role i wanted to play and i feel pretty confident i could have done it well. and so far, i'm unimpressed with the person playing it. of course, it's early and like i've said, there hasn't been a lot of time to see much of what everyone is doing. but still. is it bad to daydream about someone having to bow out of the show? probably.
so the first couple of weeks have been good and i'm having a great time with the singing. and i'm sure the getting to know people will come soon enough. always takes me a while to "warm up" to people (though i do find myself falling into my "witty, sarcastic thurman" mode a lot, which seems to freak people out a bit - hopefully because they don't know me yet. hopefully....). i'm trying not to think too much about the not getting to sing/dance as much as i'd like and just enjoy the process of putting together the musical. i really do love the music and i think there's enough of the original idea to make it an excellent musical if we do it right. and from what i've been able to tell, we are.
is that enoughpeanutdowns? :)
Æ
some (OK,
peanutdowns mostly) have been asking for an update on my experiences as a cast member in Chess. have been meaning to do this, but theendofthetrimester has pretty much occupied all of my time (not to mention the existential angst of deciding i'm not truly a writer - but that's a post for another time). but now that exams are going and i find myself with a miraculous "free night," i thought i'd give some initial thoughts.first, the musical itself. i have to admit, i'm a bit disappointed. see, i "grew up" on the london version of the show. we're doing the american. and oh my the differences. the songs are there, but some have been changed to fit the new book. and the new book sucks. sorry, no other way to put it. from what i've been able to piece together, mr. rice was unhappy with the way the london production went, so hired richard nelson to rework the book. huge mistake. i don't know what else mr. nelson has done (and i have neither the time nor the interest to find out), but my gosh did he butcher this. the story changes make little sense, the dialogue is stilted at best. don't get me wrong - the show was never really about the story. and the songs will be great to see stage. i'm just disappointed that for legal reasons only the american version can be done here.
that said, it's great to get the opportunity to sing these songs i've been singing in the shower in a public setting. the learning of the songs has been fairly easy, mostly because i'm SO familiar with the soundtrack. and i've realized i've missed singing in a choir/chorus setting. love singing those parts. funny, i'm probably the only true bass in the cast and i'm much more comfortable in the baritone range. fun to hear your typical musical types trying to sing bass lines. makes me laugh (but not out loud, of course. that would be rude).
i hesitate to talk about the cast because, well, i haven't really had the chance to get to know them much (plus, they may someday find my blog and i'd hate to say something i'd have to apologize for later). being the new guy and an introvert to boot, i've been lurking in shadows. but most of the stereotypes are there - if you've ever done a musical or community theatre, you know what i'm talking about. i don't think i'm the only straight guy, but i'm guessing i'm the minority here. and no, that's not a surprise, just an observation.
as for my role in the musical, i'm beginning to regret actually getting a "named" part. i think i'm going to miss being in the chorus - strangely enough, i may have less to do than many of the cast members. though i do get to learn how to say "f*%k your mother" in russian. i'll be sure to let you know how that goes. speaking of russian, i had my first experience with a dialect coach (rocco's his name, languages his game). i usually have a pretty good ear for accents and have done russian before. but now that i've been "taught" how to do it correctly, i'm having a harder time with it. too much thinking going on. need to learn the "rules" and then just let myself do it instead of thinking about it.
confession: i'm feeling a bit of jealousy. there's a role i wanted to play and i feel pretty confident i could have done it well. and so far, i'm unimpressed with the person playing it. of course, it's early and like i've said, there hasn't been a lot of time to see much of what everyone is doing. but still. is it bad to daydream about someone having to bow out of the show? probably.
so the first couple of weeks have been good and i'm having a great time with the singing. and i'm sure the getting to know people will come soon enough. always takes me a while to "warm up" to people (though i do find myself falling into my "witty, sarcastic thurman" mode a lot, which seems to freak people out a bit - hopefully because they don't know me yet. hopefully....). i'm trying not to think too much about the not getting to sing/dance as much as i'd like and just enjoy the process of putting together the musical. i really do love the music and i think there's enough of the original idea to make it an excellent musical if we do it right. and from what i've been able to tell, we are.
is that enough
peanutdowns? :)Æ
Tunes: king's x - visions
Monday, February 20, 2006
i have the sneaking suspicion....
that God is asking me to give up music for lent.
not all music, just prerecorded music.
no radio (not a big deal)
no cds (tougher, but doable)
no mp3s (yikes!)
gina suggested no playing for worship, too, but that seems going a bit far. this is a personal sacrifice, not something that would affect others (not that we don't have other options, but you know).
hmmm. no background music for 40 days. no music while i surf, no music while i drive, no music while i grade.
obviously, i won't be able to control it all (can't ask restaurants to turn off their muzak, though if i could i would have done it a long time ago). but i can do my part.
shoot. i don't want to do this. which probably means i should. not to be masochistic but because it should be something that means something to me. and this definitely fits that.
now if i can just think of something positive to do during lent, i'll be all set. suggestions always accepted (though not always taken).
yeah, i know, i haven't written in a while. thought about giving up blogging for lent, but that wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at this point.
two days left in the trimester, then two days of exams. just a couple more things to grade. and then it all starts all over again. fun.
how long until summer? heck, how long 'til spring break?
time to go finish off that grading. night.
Æ
Tunes: ratt - i want a woman
not all music, just prerecorded music.
no radio (not a big deal)
no cds (tougher, but doable)
no mp3s (yikes!)
gina suggested no playing for worship, too, but that seems going a bit far. this is a personal sacrifice, not something that would affect others (not that we don't have other options, but you know).
hmmm. no background music for 40 days. no music while i surf, no music while i drive, no music while i grade.
obviously, i won't be able to control it all (can't ask restaurants to turn off their muzak, though if i could i would have done it a long time ago). but i can do my part.
shoot. i don't want to do this. which probably means i should. not to be masochistic but because it should be something that means something to me. and this definitely fits that.
now if i can just think of something positive to do during lent, i'll be all set. suggestions always accepted (though not always taken).
yeah, i know, i haven't written in a while. thought about giving up blogging for lent, but that wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at this point.
two days left in the trimester, then two days of exams. just a couple more things to grade. and then it all starts all over again. fun.
how long until summer? heck, how long 'til spring break?
time to go finish off that grading. night.
Æ
Tunes: ratt - i want a woman
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
telegram for mongo
stuck in grading hell STOP
no time to share the stories of my life STOP
survived VD STOP
chess has begun will give details later STOP
letting possibility slip through my fingers need to STOP
Æ
Tunes: love and rockets - so alive
no time to share the stories of my life STOP
survived VD STOP
chess has begun will give details later STOP
letting possibility slip through my fingers need to STOP
Æ
Tunes: love and rockets - so alive
Thursday, February 09, 2006
must be in the air
can't get away from it and ought to just give in instead of fighting tooth and nail like i normally do at this time of the year. some of it i've brought on myself, but really, seems to be something unavoidable.
it's love, baby.
not the type i normally piss and moan about here in thurmanworld. it's not me in love....well, maybe it is. maybe i am in love, i just don't have anyone to focus my attention on. or maybe i do and i'm just not.
maybe i'm talking myself into a whirling dervish.
anyway, enjoyed one of my favourite movies this afternoon with film club - say anything. *sigh* it's so not me. i prefer to be bitter and cynical. and this movie always - always - sucks the darkness right out of me. most disturbing part of showing it - at lunch, NONE of my fellow teachers had seen it. how is this possible? they're all around my age, sort of. i just took it for granted that they'd all seen it. how wrong i was. would have canceled class and made them watch if i thought i could get away with it. and then they looked at me like i was crazy for insisting they watch it. whatever guys. you're the ones missing out.
of course, i hate lloyd dobler because he tantalizes with that rarest of qualities - hope. i watch the movie and i feel it seeping back in. maybe i should watch it every week, though i fear i would build up a resistance to it.
and then, continuing the theme, my name is earl was brilliant yet again tonight. so enjoyable. i think it's doing well enough that it won't be canceled, which is great since it's nice to have a sitcom i enjoy again. it, too, was about love. and karma. and timing. kind of like many of my rants here, minus the karma, of course.
oh, and then, catching up on my x-files watching, who should be on but felicity huffman. weird when obsessions cross-pollinate. seen the episode before, but that was before felicity was on my radar. fun. and oh my, the scene between her and scully checking each other for the worm. just one word: yum.
yep, it's definitely february.
three days until chess officially begins. still haven't had the nerve to e-mail and find out if i am included in the ensemble or if i'm simply nikolai. on one hand, if i'm only nikolai, then not so many rehearsals, which will definitely help me time-wise. but it would also mean not so much singing, which would make me sad. ah well - come what come may. looking forward to meeting the cast. should be entertaining to say the least.
got my copy of monday's pittsburgh post-gazette in the mail today from brent. lovely. here's hoping i find time to sit down and actually read it at some point. or at least look at the pictures.
had hoped to catch people online tonight - have been negligent of my online friends. but they are not around. alas. maybe it means i should just go to bed, or at the very least, crawl under the covers and read some more of fever pitch (seemed like the perfect book to try and understand my own obsession with the steelers). big thanks to anne for the exchange.
ok, enough for the night. keep your eyes peeled for low-flying gods wielding funny shaped arrows - those damn things can hurt.
Æ
Tunes: cake - i will survive
it's love, baby.
not the type i normally piss and moan about here in thurmanworld. it's not me in love....well, maybe it is. maybe i am in love, i just don't have anyone to focus my attention on. or maybe i do and i'm just not.
maybe i'm talking myself into a whirling dervish.
anyway, enjoyed one of my favourite movies this afternoon with film club - say anything. *sigh* it's so not me. i prefer to be bitter and cynical. and this movie always - always - sucks the darkness right out of me. most disturbing part of showing it - at lunch, NONE of my fellow teachers had seen it. how is this possible? they're all around my age, sort of. i just took it for granted that they'd all seen it. how wrong i was. would have canceled class and made them watch if i thought i could get away with it. and then they looked at me like i was crazy for insisting they watch it. whatever guys. you're the ones missing out.
of course, i hate lloyd dobler because he tantalizes with that rarest of qualities - hope. i watch the movie and i feel it seeping back in. maybe i should watch it every week, though i fear i would build up a resistance to it.
and then, continuing the theme, my name is earl was brilliant yet again tonight. so enjoyable. i think it's doing well enough that it won't be canceled, which is great since it's nice to have a sitcom i enjoy again. it, too, was about love. and karma. and timing. kind of like many of my rants here, minus the karma, of course.
oh, and then, catching up on my x-files watching, who should be on but felicity huffman. weird when obsessions cross-pollinate. seen the episode before, but that was before felicity was on my radar. fun. and oh my, the scene between her and scully checking each other for the worm. just one word: yum.
yep, it's definitely february.
three days until chess officially begins. still haven't had the nerve to e-mail and find out if i am included in the ensemble or if i'm simply nikolai. on one hand, if i'm only nikolai, then not so many rehearsals, which will definitely help me time-wise. but it would also mean not so much singing, which would make me sad. ah well - come what come may. looking forward to meeting the cast. should be entertaining to say the least.
got my copy of monday's pittsburgh post-gazette in the mail today from brent. lovely. here's hoping i find time to sit down and actually read it at some point. or at least look at the pictures.
had hoped to catch people online tonight - have been negligent of my online friends. but they are not around. alas. maybe it means i should just go to bed, or at the very least, crawl under the covers and read some more of fever pitch (seemed like the perfect book to try and understand my own obsession with the steelers). big thanks to anne for the exchange.
ok, enough for the night. keep your eyes peeled for low-flying gods wielding funny shaped arrows - those damn things can hurt.
Æ
Tunes: cake - i will survive
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
gather ye thoughts while ye may
so seems yesterday, while i was out with my personal day, a bomb threat was found at the school. figured it out when i got into school today and had an e-mail talking about it. great. not that i was overly concerned for my safety. but the message did little to calm fears of an actual bomb threat, so most of my classes were half-filled. and students kept disappearing throughout the day. i mean, once you tell them that it won't be held against them, what's to hold them there? i think the administration did the best they could with a no-win situation. call off school and the kid who pulled the prank wins. ignore the threat and parents feel you're not protecting their students - or worse, have it turn out to not be a prank. rock, meet hard place.
caught a student plagiarizing a PERSONAL narrative yesterday. ridiculous. it's embarrassing how easy they make it to find them - they don't even bother to change the format or fix it so it fits the assignment. calling the parents tomorrow - student automatically gets a zero. and maybe a saturday school, we'll see. i mean if you're going to do it, at least do it well....
finished velvet elvis last night. good book, though not nearly as life-changing as i imagined. perhaps because i've thought through many of the issues presented already? and i'm not sure i gave it a fair reading - sporadic and mostly as i was falling asleep at night. still, will probably be using parts of it in house church, specifically the section on scripture. i've had several "jabs" at our lack of biblical focus (read: in-depth bible study) lately. something we need to address.
lots of hating going on toward two of my favorites - bono and the steelers. obviously the steelers didn't win the super bowl as much as had it handed to them. and bono obviously isn't a real christian or have any idea what he's talking about. *sigh* guess we can't let anyone actually be a success - we must bring everyone down. yeah, i know, i'm a bit biased in this case. still, we do seem to like to rev up our chainsaws and chop everyone down to size, don't we?
sleep beckons. and i must answer. at least it's a short day tomorrow. getting together with steve novotni to do a little bike riding. yes, i know, it's winter. but sounds like fun. and God knows i could use the exercise. plus, it's 3 1/2 miles - how hard could that be? the trickiest part will be not pushing full speed.
night.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - let it be
caught a student plagiarizing a PERSONAL narrative yesterday. ridiculous. it's embarrassing how easy they make it to find them - they don't even bother to change the format or fix it so it fits the assignment. calling the parents tomorrow - student automatically gets a zero. and maybe a saturday school, we'll see. i mean if you're going to do it, at least do it well....
finished velvet elvis last night. good book, though not nearly as life-changing as i imagined. perhaps because i've thought through many of the issues presented already? and i'm not sure i gave it a fair reading - sporadic and mostly as i was falling asleep at night. still, will probably be using parts of it in house church, specifically the section on scripture. i've had several "jabs" at our lack of biblical focus (read: in-depth bible study) lately. something we need to address.
lots of hating going on toward two of my favorites - bono and the steelers. obviously the steelers didn't win the super bowl as much as had it handed to them. and bono obviously isn't a real christian or have any idea what he's talking about. *sigh* guess we can't let anyone actually be a success - we must bring everyone down. yeah, i know, i'm a bit biased in this case. still, we do seem to like to rev up our chainsaws and chop everyone down to size, don't we?
sleep beckons. and i must answer. at least it's a short day tomorrow. getting together with steve novotni to do a little bike riding. yes, i know, it's winter. but sounds like fun. and God knows i could use the exercise. plus, it's 3 1/2 miles - how hard could that be? the trickiest part will be not pushing full speed.
night.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - let it be
Monday, February 06, 2006
21-10
i know, it was ugly. definitely not a game for the ages. there were questionable calls. there were stunning moments of ineptitude. but when the clock turned to 0:00, only one thing mattered.
Steelers 21 - Seahawks 10
this isn't figure skating. you don't get style points. it doesn't matter if you look good winning, it doesn't matter if you dominate. all that matters is that final score. and while many of the pundits today want me to feel bad for rooting for a team who was "given" the game by the refs, i will simply point out this fact: the steelers played their worst game of the playoffs. and they still won the game. your team must be pretty good to win even playing as poorly as pittsburgh did.
look, i've seen the replays and yeah, i know, i'm on the far side of objective. but jackson did push off, even if it wasn't very much. and to my eyes, the ball crossed the line and was pushed back. and the holding call? yeah, i know, it happens every down. and i understand why seahawk fans are upset for the timing of it. but good teams overcome those things: seattle didn't. pittsburgh did.
and one other point: most said the steelers couldn't win unless ben/porter/polamalu had a big game. none of them did. and they win. to me, that says this was a TEAM, not a gathering of individuals dependent on one or two people to help them to win. the steelers represent what is good about football - teamwork, consistency, unselfishness. it is a quality organization and it feels good to have that quality recognized with a championship.
enough on that.
took the day off to get some grading done - got some, but not as much as i would have liked. amazing how the hours disappear. getting ready to load up the papers and head to chipolte to get away from the distractions here. here's hoping i can stay focused enough. worst part of teaching, hands down. hate the paper load.
a lovely day in steeler nation. bye.
Æ
Steelers 21 - Seahawks 10
this isn't figure skating. you don't get style points. it doesn't matter if you look good winning, it doesn't matter if you dominate. all that matters is that final score. and while many of the pundits today want me to feel bad for rooting for a team who was "given" the game by the refs, i will simply point out this fact: the steelers played their worst game of the playoffs. and they still won the game. your team must be pretty good to win even playing as poorly as pittsburgh did.
look, i've seen the replays and yeah, i know, i'm on the far side of objective. but jackson did push off, even if it wasn't very much. and to my eyes, the ball crossed the line and was pushed back. and the holding call? yeah, i know, it happens every down. and i understand why seahawk fans are upset for the timing of it. but good teams overcome those things: seattle didn't. pittsburgh did.
and one other point: most said the steelers couldn't win unless ben/porter/polamalu had a big game. none of them did. and they win. to me, that says this was a TEAM, not a gathering of individuals dependent on one or two people to help them to win. the steelers represent what is good about football - teamwork, consistency, unselfishness. it is a quality organization and it feels good to have that quality recognized with a championship.
enough on that.
took the day off to get some grading done - got some, but not as much as i would have liked. amazing how the hours disappear. getting ready to load up the papers and head to chipolte to get away from the distractions here. here's hoping i can stay focused enough. worst part of teaching, hands down. hate the paper load.
a lovely day in steeler nation. bye.
Æ
Friday, February 03, 2006
friday night's not right for writing
try saying that several times rather swiftly.
another friday night, another week catching up with me. amazing how completely out of it i feel. really shouldn't attempt this - am sure to get a cramp or something. but i've been neglectful of you, my faithful readers and i must make amends, no matter how painful it may be, for either of us.
good news: another evaluation this week, another glowing post-obs. conference. they're quite impressed with the changes i've made to my classroom. i know i'm still not there, but am glad they aren't thinking of firing me any time soon. it's become more and more apparent to me that mason is the only school i could teach at - no where else could afford me. or would afford me. so i'd best keep doing what i'm doing...otherwise life could become quite the battle.
long weekend - took monday off, ostensibly to get some grading done, but mostly because, regardless of the outcome of sunday's big event, i think i'll need some time away from school. plenty of time to celebrate (read: gloat) when i return on tuesday. and being away monday will give me the chance to steel myself for the inevitable taunting should the steelers lose. unbelievably, i'll be watching the game live, but unlike ten years ago when i watched it by myself in the upstairs of my lansing abode, this time i'll be sharing the experience with the crew at the brownhouse. here's hoping it's an evening to remember, positively anyway.
cannot stop playing "forget myself" by elbow - it's on the new paste sampler and me likey lots. e-music has the whole album - may have to bump that up and download it. but not just yet.
trip to heaven tomorrow morning - getting the works done this time. then will go see the diviners at mason - was thinking i should go to the matinee, but rhonda's going sat. night, so i may go then. feels a touch pathetic to go by myself. not that that has ever stopped me before.
"once upon a time in your wildest dreams"
*sigh* the moody blues make me nostalgic. if i only knew for what...
ok, enough rambling. off to watch some "x-files" episodes - have had the first season forever and just bought the second season now that the price has dropped to 34.99. sometimes it's good to wait. more tomorrow. perhaps. you know how it goes.
Æ
Tunes: U2 - paint it black
another friday night, another week catching up with me. amazing how completely out of it i feel. really shouldn't attempt this - am sure to get a cramp or something. but i've been neglectful of you, my faithful readers and i must make amends, no matter how painful it may be, for either of us.
good news: another evaluation this week, another glowing post-obs. conference. they're quite impressed with the changes i've made to my classroom. i know i'm still not there, but am glad they aren't thinking of firing me any time soon. it's become more and more apparent to me that mason is the only school i could teach at - no where else could afford me. or would afford me. so i'd best keep doing what i'm doing...otherwise life could become quite the battle.
long weekend - took monday off, ostensibly to get some grading done, but mostly because, regardless of the outcome of sunday's big event, i think i'll need some time away from school. plenty of time to celebrate (read: gloat) when i return on tuesday. and being away monday will give me the chance to steel myself for the inevitable taunting should the steelers lose. unbelievably, i'll be watching the game live, but unlike ten years ago when i watched it by myself in the upstairs of my lansing abode, this time i'll be sharing the experience with the crew at the brownhouse. here's hoping it's an evening to remember, positively anyway.
cannot stop playing "forget myself" by elbow - it's on the new paste sampler and me likey lots. e-music has the whole album - may have to bump that up and download it. but not just yet.
trip to heaven tomorrow morning - getting the works done this time. then will go see the diviners at mason - was thinking i should go to the matinee, but rhonda's going sat. night, so i may go then. feels a touch pathetic to go by myself. not that that has ever stopped me before.
"once upon a time in your wildest dreams"
*sigh* the moody blues make me nostalgic. if i only knew for what...
ok, enough rambling. off to watch some "x-files" episodes - have had the first season forever and just bought the second season now that the price has dropped to 34.99. sometimes it's good to wait. more tomorrow. perhaps. you know how it goes.
Æ
Tunes: U2 - paint it black
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
my evening
5:58 PM
i cannot believe i have nothing prepared for tonight's house church. i prayed, i searched, and i have absolutely no sense of what God wants to do tonight. i am completely worthless as a house church leader. the group would be far better off without me leading - heck, i'm not even sure i'm leading anyway. maybe we should just talk about finding someone more qualified to lead the group before i drive this group into the ground.
8:15 PM
ok, so i'm still completely worthless as a house church leader. but i guess God didn't "give" me anything to share because He needed the time to do what He wanted to do. and to think it all started with a simple logistical question about VDay, trying to get a sense on if people made plans for the mother of all hallmark holidays. and now we're taking that theme of love and running with it in a very hands-on kind of way.
i know God doesn't call me to be inept. but i sure am glad He's able to use my ineptness to do what He wants.
Æ
Tunes: pedro the lion - promise
i cannot believe i have nothing prepared for tonight's house church. i prayed, i searched, and i have absolutely no sense of what God wants to do tonight. i am completely worthless as a house church leader. the group would be far better off without me leading - heck, i'm not even sure i'm leading anyway. maybe we should just talk about finding someone more qualified to lead the group before i drive this group into the ground.
8:15 PM
ok, so i'm still completely worthless as a house church leader. but i guess God didn't "give" me anything to share because He needed the time to do what He wanted to do. and to think it all started with a simple logistical question about VDay, trying to get a sense on if people made plans for the mother of all hallmark holidays. and now we're taking that theme of love and running with it in a very hands-on kind of way.
i know God doesn't call me to be inept. but i sure am glad He's able to use my ineptness to do what He wants.
Æ
Tunes: pedro the lion - promise
Monday, January 30, 2006
a thought
been thinking a lot about individualism lately - mostly negative thoughts. i know it's been held up as a virtue here in the states, but really, it seems so unnatural to me. we're not meant to live and survive on our own. we're not meant to live and let live. we're intricately tied to one another and it's only when we recognize that fact that we are able to fully live.
last night in talking to kat, the old mantra came up - we have to be complete ourselves before we can hope to be in relationship with anyone else. it's been repeated so many times we take it as truth. but is it? what if, instead, some parts of us cannot be complete unless we have others to sharpen us, to enrich us, to focus us? what if our attempts to become complete on our own remain fruitless not because we don't try hard enough but because we need others to help us?
the danger is to go overboard, say we only find completeness in others. i'm not saying that. but i am saying that perhaps this image of the solitary hero standing against the world alone is one we need to let go. and while we tend to think of them as strong, maybe the more difficult path is to actually stand with the world, or at the very least, stand against the world with others. Æ
Tunes: king's x - visions (live)
last night in talking to kat, the old mantra came up - we have to be complete ourselves before we can hope to be in relationship with anyone else. it's been repeated so many times we take it as truth. but is it? what if, instead, some parts of us cannot be complete unless we have others to sharpen us, to enrich us, to focus us? what if our attempts to become complete on our own remain fruitless not because we don't try hard enough but because we need others to help us?
the danger is to go overboard, say we only find completeness in others. i'm not saying that. but i am saying that perhaps this image of the solitary hero standing against the world alone is one we need to let go. and while we tend to think of them as strong, maybe the more difficult path is to actually stand with the world, or at the very least, stand against the world with others. Æ
Tunes: king's x - visions (live)
Sunday, January 29, 2006
i done got tagged
look, no more wandering wheels posts. you can come back now. i may do one post bringing some closure to the WW entries. but soon you'll be forced to read my current blatherings and trust me, you'll be pining for the college me.
my friend ang tagged me with this list of questions and since smy brain can't seem to hold a thought, i'd best use this to try and focus myself.
Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Sophomore English Teacher, Mason High School
2. Night Auditor, Sheraton Suites, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
3. Minister to Youth and their Families, Lansing First Church of the Nazarene
4. Night Innkeeper, Southmoreland on the Plaza bed and breakfast
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Roxanne
2. LOTR Trilogy
3. Say Anything
4. Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
Four places I have lived:
1. Norwood, OH
2. Mt Vernon, OH
3. Lansing, MI
4. Kansas City, MO
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. The Daily Show
3. The Colbert Report
4. My Name is Earl
Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Denver
2. Toronto
3. San Francisco
4. Key West
Four websites I visit daily:
1. livejournal/blogger
2. my yahoo
3. steelerblog
4. e-music
Four of my favorite foods:
1. betta's margharita pizza with pepperoni
2. jalepeno's chimichanga
3. outback prime rib
4. moose tracks ice cream
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. colorado rockies
2. biking down Highway One
3. st. patrick's cathedral, new york
4. at a U2 concert
Æ
Tunes: rancid - ruby soho
my friend ang tagged me with this list of questions and since smy brain can't seem to hold a thought, i'd best use this to try and focus myself.
Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Sophomore English Teacher, Mason High School
2. Night Auditor, Sheraton Suites, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
3. Minister to Youth and their Families, Lansing First Church of the Nazarene
4. Night Innkeeper, Southmoreland on the Plaza bed and breakfast
Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Roxanne
2. LOTR Trilogy
3. Say Anything
4. Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
Four places I have lived:
1. Norwood, OH
2. Mt Vernon, OH
3. Lansing, MI
4. Kansas City, MO
Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. The Daily Show
3. The Colbert Report
4. My Name is Earl
Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Denver
2. Toronto
3. San Francisco
4. Key West
Four websites I visit daily:
1. livejournal/blogger
2. my yahoo
3. steelerblog
4. e-music
Four of my favorite foods:
1. betta's margharita pizza with pepperoni
2. jalepeno's chimichanga
3. outback prime rib
4. moose tracks ice cream
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. colorado rockies
2. biking down Highway One
3. st. patrick's cathedral, new york
4. at a U2 concert
Æ
Tunes: rancid - ruby soho
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