it's out there. waiting. wanting once again to mock me. and i know i need to go back outside, need to put on the gloves and just get it done or at the very least gather the work from yesterday and throw it into the pile. and yet here i sit, finding every excuse not to return. not that i really mind the work - something incredibly cathartic about grabbing hold of something and yanking the life right out of it (which raises other questions, but we'll leave those for now). and, unlike teaching, i can see the fruits of my labor immediately, can see the progress made. and it's satisfying. and i don't have much more to do. and it's much cooler outside now than it will be in a couple of hours.
but oh do my hamstrings ache.
little frustrated, too, because i spent money at walmart for good pruning shears and they last exactly four weeds. ridiculous. going to see if they'll take them back, assuming, of course, that i can find the broken handle i threw in frustration. hopefully i'll be able to find it now that my glasses aren't smeared with perspiration.
have i ever mentioned how much i hate to sweat?
went out last night and saw nacho libre. was pretty much everything i expected. saw it with a crew from midsummer, which made it more enjoyable, methinks. so much of the movie going experience depends on other people, especially comedies - their reactions, how easily they give themselves over to the silliness. not one i had to see in the theater (and, because of showcases assinine "director's hall," i had to pay extra to sit in seats that made my back and thighs sweat), but fun nonetheless.
since i had such great success with last week's opinion poll, let's try another one. have grown my beard out for summer (yes, i realize it's counterintuitive. like i ever claimed to be logical). but i'm not sure i'm happy with it. so what do you, my faithful readers think? beard or no beard?
that's me, always asking the significant questions...
enough procrastinating. might as well get this done while it's still a bit cool outside.
Æ
Tunes: king's x - freedom
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
the heart of the matter
been thinking about my last post and the issues raised and it's become abundantly clear i'm missing the point. this isn't about my desires and the apparent conflict between them. this is all about my uneasy relationship with expectations and guilt. this is an ongoing battle, one i've fought for far too long, one i can't seem to overcome.
so why do i feel so guilty all the time? part of it is my perfectionistic tendencies - the desire to always do what is expected and to do it perfectly. intellectually, i know this is impossible. yet i still react emotionally in many situations, especially when my emotional energy is at low ebb. i remember feeling like i never quite measured up, that no matter what i did, i would always fall just a bit short of what was expected - whether those expectations came from outside myself or whether they were invented in my own head.
and i tend to set my own bar quite high.
case in point: last night i was talking to candice about some of this and i mentioned feeling selfish and she said she couldn't imagine me being selfish. i laughed and said she had no idea, but she said, "don't you think i would have pointed it out if i thought you were? as i know you'd do for me?" and i had no response. somehow i've confused having desires with being selfish. the unfortunate corollary to this is i've mistaken denial of these desires for following Christ, which is not what He had in mind. yes, we are exhorted to die to ourselves, but that doesn't mean we kill ourselves, constantly tearing ourselves down. we don't show love to others by hating ourselves.
and i know this, but i don't always let that knowledge affect how i deal with issues. and i have no doubt someday, i will again come here and spew here again. i pray for your patience. sometimes it helps just to get it out. sometimes it helps to have others remind me what truly is important and that my life isn't nearly as distorted as these lenses i wear make it appear.
thanks again to all those who responded, here or in another form. great to know i have friends, even though i don't deserve them.... :)
Ɔ
Tunes: patty griffin - goodbye
so why do i feel so guilty all the time? part of it is my perfectionistic tendencies - the desire to always do what is expected and to do it perfectly. intellectually, i know this is impossible. yet i still react emotionally in many situations, especially when my emotional energy is at low ebb. i remember feeling like i never quite measured up, that no matter what i did, i would always fall just a bit short of what was expected - whether those expectations came from outside myself or whether they were invented in my own head.
and i tend to set my own bar quite high.
case in point: last night i was talking to candice about some of this and i mentioned feeling selfish and she said she couldn't imagine me being selfish. i laughed and said she had no idea, but she said, "don't you think i would have pointed it out if i thought you were? as i know you'd do for me?" and i had no response. somehow i've confused having desires with being selfish. the unfortunate corollary to this is i've mistaken denial of these desires for following Christ, which is not what He had in mind. yes, we are exhorted to die to ourselves, but that doesn't mean we kill ourselves, constantly tearing ourselves down. we don't show love to others by hating ourselves.
and i know this, but i don't always let that knowledge affect how i deal with issues. and i have no doubt someday, i will again come here and spew here again. i pray for your patience. sometimes it helps just to get it out. sometimes it helps to have others remind me what truly is important and that my life isn't nearly as distorted as these lenses i wear make it appear.
thanks again to all those who responded, here or in another form. great to know i have friends, even though i don't deserve them.... :)
Ɔ
Tunes: patty griffin - goodbye
Saturday, June 17, 2006
no marrow sucking here
welcome to newton's first law in action - or more accurately, inaction. the momentum i had coursing through my body as the summer began has transmogrified into a disheartening lack of initiative. after morning prayers, i spent all day friday inside my house, accomplishing nothing, touching base with only a couple of friends, unmotivated, the very definition of a sluggard. and honestly, saturday holds little promise. i feared this would happen, my lack of concrete plans turning into an inability to make any plans. i pray this is simply an aberration, but at the moment it feels like anything but.
adding to my existential angst, my schedule for midsummer conflicts once again with house church, leading me to doubt whether it was wise to audition - or, more importantly, whether i am a fit leader for this house church. is it selfish for me to pursue my passion for theatre at the expense of my passion for the church? should i be denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him? is this something i'm meant to sacrifice? but then, as i experienced during my years in lansing, i'm sacrificing part of what makes me me. and i have a difficult time believing God wants me to become less than He created me to be. i refuse to fall into the trap that God's will only means doing those things we don't want to do.
and the voices of guilt come, shouting, "you're letting your church down! you're letting your friends down! you're letting God down!" and i find myself without an answer to them. it all sounds so shallow and self-serving: "but it's what I want to do. it brings ME joy and fulfillment." but if i only serve out of a sense of obligation, then that cannot please God, either. and leading a house church isn't a something i hate or despise - i only feel i'm not doing what a house church leader should do. complicating the matter, st. e's is in the process of birthing, of beginning one or two new house churches. we're looking at transitioning this summer - and i'll be off doing a play. what could be more selfish?
heh. i was hoping by writing out my dilemma it would help me make sense of it. but i only find myself more confused. and while i suppose i want feedback (why else would i post this in a public forum?), i fear the answers i might get, mostly because i assume what i desire - to do both - is impossible and that i'm going to have to choose one or the other. why must our desires conflict? and how do we choose when they do? and how have i not figured this out yet?
ok, time to go do....oh yeah, nothing.
Æ
Tunes: the sundays - wild horses
adding to my existential angst, my schedule for midsummer conflicts once again with house church, leading me to doubt whether it was wise to audition - or, more importantly, whether i am a fit leader for this house church. is it selfish for me to pursue my passion for theatre at the expense of my passion for the church? should i be denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him? is this something i'm meant to sacrifice? but then, as i experienced during my years in lansing, i'm sacrificing part of what makes me me. and i have a difficult time believing God wants me to become less than He created me to be. i refuse to fall into the trap that God's will only means doing those things we don't want to do.
and the voices of guilt come, shouting, "you're letting your church down! you're letting your friends down! you're letting God down!" and i find myself without an answer to them. it all sounds so shallow and self-serving: "but it's what I want to do. it brings ME joy and fulfillment." but if i only serve out of a sense of obligation, then that cannot please God, either. and leading a house church isn't a something i hate or despise - i only feel i'm not doing what a house church leader should do. complicating the matter, st. e's is in the process of birthing, of beginning one or two new house churches. we're looking at transitioning this summer - and i'll be off doing a play. what could be more selfish?
heh. i was hoping by writing out my dilemma it would help me make sense of it. but i only find myself more confused. and while i suppose i want feedback (why else would i post this in a public forum?), i fear the answers i might get, mostly because i assume what i desire - to do both - is impossible and that i'm going to have to choose one or the other. why must our desires conflict? and how do we choose when they do? and how have i not figured this out yet?
ok, time to go do....oh yeah, nothing.
Æ
Tunes: the sundays - wild horses
Thursday, June 15, 2006
how quickly the morning steals away
i had so little planned for today. and that is exactly what i have accomplished so far.
who would have guessed the simple matter of naming objects would cause so much discussion. most comments i've ever had. thank goodness it was on something of such eternal consequence. anyway, after pondering and getting a sense of her, my new computer's name evermore shall be:
veronica
now we can move on to the more important issue: am i truly bonkers?
have at it.
spent the morning reading nt wright - have heard much about him, but never really read anything by him. found this website and read several of the articles compiled there. good, challenging stuff. especially liked his focus on imagination and creativity - folds in well with some of my own thoughts lately (which i may someday share here, if i can ever get them to stay still long enough). if you've never read him, you should. his views on christianity, the church, the world are refreshing.
other than that, i've done little else. need to go mow my lawn, i suppose, though i kind of like its rough and tumble look. my neighbors may not agree.
does it frighten anyone else that the best sound system i now have in my house is the one attached to my computer? seriously, it is amazing. the sound is only up 10% and i worry about my neighbors complaining. and i now can play my mp3 player (rory) through my computer, which has been great.
table talk tonight for the rude mechanicals. i have a good idea of bottom, but am curious to see what else will come out of this process. then afterwards i will head down to the-grill-formerly-known-as-hamburger-mary's to catch up with some chess friends. maybe do a little karaoke. make a little love. get down tonight.
bsg or mow...bsg or mow...bsg or mow...ah the eternal questions of summer.
thanks to all who commented yesterday - was great to know there are people out there using my meanderings to break up the monotony of their day. every little bit helps.
Æ
Tunes: elvis costello - veronica
who would have guessed the simple matter of naming objects would cause so much discussion. most comments i've ever had. thank goodness it was on something of such eternal consequence. anyway, after pondering and getting a sense of her, my new computer's name evermore shall be:
veronica
now we can move on to the more important issue: am i truly bonkers?
have at it.
spent the morning reading nt wright - have heard much about him, but never really read anything by him. found this website and read several of the articles compiled there. good, challenging stuff. especially liked his focus on imagination and creativity - folds in well with some of my own thoughts lately (which i may someday share here, if i can ever get them to stay still long enough). if you've never read him, you should. his views on christianity, the church, the world are refreshing.
other than that, i've done little else. need to go mow my lawn, i suppose, though i kind of like its rough and tumble look. my neighbors may not agree.
does it frighten anyone else that the best sound system i now have in my house is the one attached to my computer? seriously, it is amazing. the sound is only up 10% and i worry about my neighbors complaining. and i now can play my mp3 player (rory) through my computer, which has been great.
table talk tonight for the rude mechanicals. i have a good idea of bottom, but am curious to see what else will come out of this process. then afterwards i will head down to the-grill-formerly-known-as-hamburger-mary's to catch up with some chess friends. maybe do a little karaoke. make a little love. get down tonight.
bsg or mow...bsg or mow...bsg or mow...ah the eternal questions of summer.
thanks to all who commented yesterday - was great to know there are people out there using my meanderings to break up the monotony of their day. every little bit helps.
Æ
Tunes: elvis costello - veronica
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
the naming of things
i have what some have called an odd quirk (well, i have many of those, but i want to focus on just one for now). i tend to personify my inanimate objects by giving them names. it all started when i bought my trombone way back. i was at the height of my cyrano obsession, so it was an obvious choice - roxane. from then on, it only seemed natural to name these objects that hold meaning to me. and usually they are allusions to something literary or cinematic. my first car was heather (highlander), my second, guinevere (duh), my mazda, lorelei (gilmore girls); my electric bass, gretchen (king's x); my acoustic bass, daphne (greek mythology); my bike, celine (before sunrise); my tree, jarnsaxa (norse mythology).
those who notice such things will recognize all the names are female. those who like to psychoanalyze can discuss whether i have an unconscious need to possess women. or whether i use the naming as a way to surround myself with metaphorical women since i cannot seem to have a relationship of my own. or perhaps it is my attempt to particularize the feminine side of my personality, to find it in these objects i hold dear. yet again, it might be my way of sublimating my desire to have a daughter by making these beloved objects like offspring. trust me, i'm a therapists dream.
now since i bought my first computer back in 1996, they have always been known as karla, drawing from coupland's microserfs for inspiration. but now, ten years later, perhaps it's time to break from tradition and find a new name. my friend brent recommended scheherazade, which i like from a literary standpoint, but it doesn't really fit this beautiful piece of technology in front of me. i toyed with kaitlin, the female techie from coupland's latest jpod. but it feels a bit like i'm cheating. i'm quite drawn to titania for obvious reasons; plus, it fits the sleek look of the computer.
so, anyone have thoughts? ideas? comment if you would like.
Æ
Tunes: green day - holiday
those who notice such things will recognize all the names are female. those who like to psychoanalyze can discuss whether i have an unconscious need to possess women. or whether i use the naming as a way to surround myself with metaphorical women since i cannot seem to have a relationship of my own. or perhaps it is my attempt to particularize the feminine side of my personality, to find it in these objects i hold dear. yet again, it might be my way of sublimating my desire to have a daughter by making these beloved objects like offspring. trust me, i'm a therapists dream.
now since i bought my first computer back in 1996, they have always been known as karla, drawing from coupland's microserfs for inspiration. but now, ten years later, perhaps it's time to break from tradition and find a new name. my friend brent recommended scheherazade, which i like from a literary standpoint, but it doesn't really fit this beautiful piece of technology in front of me. i toyed with kaitlin, the female techie from coupland's latest jpod. but it feels a bit like i'm cheating. i'm quite drawn to titania for obvious reasons; plus, it fits the sleek look of the computer.
so, anyone have thoughts? ideas? comment if you would like.
Æ
Tunes: green day - holiday
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
waiting....
my new computer is scheduled to arrive sometime between 10:30 and 200 today. and as i am paranoid, methinks i'm going to sit outside on my porch and wait - don't want to have to depend on a doorbell. paranoia is a wonderful thing.
no swimming today - didn't get to bed until almost 2:00 and it seemed unwise to get up and swim at 6:00. of course, i was awake - stupid brain/body will not let me sleep. i'm going to have to do something about this - if i continue in this pattern, my summer will be painfully instead of joyfully long. did make it to prayers, though no one was there at 7:00. sandie showed up, as did kendra, but the prayer books were gone and we couldn't find them anywhere in the church or the brownhouse or the convent. so we improvised and used the eastertide books. obviously we didn't get the message that prayers had moved or changed for the week. was a good time, though and i'm grateful i went. excellent, focusing way to start the day.
toyed with apologizing for the emotional ketchup burst last night about weddings. but then what's the point? if you're reading this, hopefully you get that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and if you don't, well, know that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and always keep this in mind: things in thurmanworld are never as bad as they may appear here on my blog. really. i have an amazing life, peppered periodically with random moments of melancholia. you get used to it.
ok, off to read some more of greenblatt's book outside on the porch. here's hoping my new computer arrives sooner than later....
Æ
Tunes: stars - your ex-lover is dead
no swimming today - didn't get to bed until almost 2:00 and it seemed unwise to get up and swim at 6:00. of course, i was awake - stupid brain/body will not let me sleep. i'm going to have to do something about this - if i continue in this pattern, my summer will be painfully instead of joyfully long. did make it to prayers, though no one was there at 7:00. sandie showed up, as did kendra, but the prayer books were gone and we couldn't find them anywhere in the church or the brownhouse or the convent. so we improvised and used the eastertide books. obviously we didn't get the message that prayers had moved or changed for the week. was a good time, though and i'm grateful i went. excellent, focusing way to start the day.
toyed with apologizing for the emotional ketchup burst last night about weddings. but then what's the point? if you're reading this, hopefully you get that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and if you don't, well, know that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and always keep this in mind: things in thurmanworld are never as bad as they may appear here on my blog. really. i have an amazing life, peppered periodically with random moments of melancholia. you get used to it.
ok, off to read some more of greenblatt's book outside on the porch. here's hoping my new computer arrives sooner than later....
Æ
Tunes: stars - your ex-lover is dead
Monday, June 12, 2006
twenty-seven hours
this is the amount of time i spent in a motor vehicle this weekend. just in case you were wondering. 'twas quite the whirlwind weekend - up at 6:00am, out the door by 7:00, in lansing by 11:15 (yes, i *ahem* made good time), el azteco by 11:30, to josh and emily's for the afternoon, the wedding at 5:30, then on the road to upstate ny by 10:00pm. two hours to the border, six hours through canada, one hour to the beach. five hours at the races, then back on the road. stopped in toronto for a spur-of-the-moment dinner with kat. back to lansing by 10:30pm. slept, then back on the road again this morning by 8:00. home by 12:45.
yes, i am that crazy.
the weekend was wonderful - good to spend some time with gary. fun, too, to catch up with some folks i had lost touch with - josh and emily, jacob, the hirns. the wedding itself was unremarkable - the usual rituals, no crazy moments, no horrible homilies. yet i found my mind wandering a bit, found myself wishing, strangely enough, that i could be in gary's shoes, watching my own daughter get married. this is a sign i'm getting old, isn't it - now, instead of thinking about my own wedding, i wonder what it would be like to stand at my daughter's wedding. and i caught myself despairing that i won't ever see that day.
ah. i don't want to talk about that.
i was giddy most of the weekend - still quite excited about playing bottom. i had meant to bring my bill with me, but forgot it at home. no matter as i'm sure there are plenty of cuts and no use doing anything until i see them. i know i have a lot of work ahead of me and a lot of responsibility but, if all goes well, i know it will be worth it. first read through is tomorrow night. can't wait to meet the rest of the cast. i know rhonda's playing puck, but beyond that, i've got nothing. guess i'll find out tomorrow.
well, my new computer arrived this morning. unfortunately, i wasn't here, so they just left a note on my door. *sigh* so i'll wait until tomorrow to get it all set up. even more to be excited about. at least i'll be able to keep myself busy. am hoping to get up tomorrow morning, swim, pray, then wait around. the note said it should be delivered between 10:30 and 2:00 - here's hoping it's earlier than later. i did get the pc essentials suite i ordered, so i can get karla set up for the big transfer. probably will have to delete some stuff to get the program to load - i am completely filled. of course, at the moment i'm not tired at all, so i may do some of that once i'm done here. really, i hope i get this sleep thing figured out before summer is over....
seems to me i have lots of things to share, but none seem to be accessible to my brain at the moment. i blame lack of sleep. hopefully i'll be more on track tomorrow.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - caramel
yes, i am that crazy.
the weekend was wonderful - good to spend some time with gary. fun, too, to catch up with some folks i had lost touch with - josh and emily, jacob, the hirns. the wedding itself was unremarkable - the usual rituals, no crazy moments, no horrible homilies. yet i found my mind wandering a bit, found myself wishing, strangely enough, that i could be in gary's shoes, watching my own daughter get married. this is a sign i'm getting old, isn't it - now, instead of thinking about my own wedding, i wonder what it would be like to stand at my daughter's wedding. and i caught myself despairing that i won't ever see that day.
ah. i don't want to talk about that.
i was giddy most of the weekend - still quite excited about playing bottom. i had meant to bring my bill with me, but forgot it at home. no matter as i'm sure there are plenty of cuts and no use doing anything until i see them. i know i have a lot of work ahead of me and a lot of responsibility but, if all goes well, i know it will be worth it. first read through is tomorrow night. can't wait to meet the rest of the cast. i know rhonda's playing puck, but beyond that, i've got nothing. guess i'll find out tomorrow.
well, my new computer arrived this morning. unfortunately, i wasn't here, so they just left a note on my door. *sigh* so i'll wait until tomorrow to get it all set up. even more to be excited about. at least i'll be able to keep myself busy. am hoping to get up tomorrow morning, swim, pray, then wait around. the note said it should be delivered between 10:30 and 2:00 - here's hoping it's earlier than later. i did get the pc essentials suite i ordered, so i can get karla set up for the big transfer. probably will have to delete some stuff to get the program to load - i am completely filled. of course, at the moment i'm not tired at all, so i may do some of that once i'm done here. really, i hope i get this sleep thing figured out before summer is over....
seems to me i have lots of things to share, but none seem to be accessible to my brain at the moment. i blame lack of sleep. hopefully i'll be more on track tomorrow.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - caramel
Saturday, June 10, 2006
newsflash!
"I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what dream it was: man is but an ass, if he go about to expound this dream."
let the ass jokes begin - i shall be playing nick bottom in shakespeare in sharonville's production of midsummer night's dream.
clear your calendars, first two weeks of august.
more when i return from my roadtrip.
Æ
let the ass jokes begin - i shall be playing nick bottom in shakespeare in sharonville's production of midsummer night's dream.
clear your calendars, first two weeks of august.
more when i return from my roadtrip.
Æ
next stop: lansing
so should be in bed. not that it's really going to matter since i probably won't sleep more than four hours anyway. i'm not sure why i'm not sleeping, i only know i'm not. which means my trip to lansing could be quite the long one tomorrow....
just returned from seeing X3. bleah. the director just didn't get it. the writers were hacks. the performances were phone in. not quite highlander 2 realm, but there were moments it came awfully close. convinces me of the power of a good director - when the director gets it, it makes all the difference in the world. ah well, at least i have the first two.
had my "date" tonight with jessica. why in quotes? not sure - really was simply dinner at dewey's as she had previous plans. how'd it go, you ask? 'twas much like sunday's meeting - pleasant enough, but a bit strained. honestly, i just don't think she's interested. and this isn't my usual, why-would-anyone-like-me crap. there's nothing there. gina mentioned perhaps she is interested, but is too shy. possibly. unfortunately, i basically need a big neon sign and a smack upside the head for me to "get it," so i'm not too hopeful.
actually at the moment i'm bordering on hopelessness. but it will pass.
callbacks for midsummer are tomorrow, which means i should find out what part i got tomorrow or sunday. again, trying not to get my hopes up too high and i'll have a good time regardless of the part i get. but the dream is to do bottom, which i know i could nail. but it's out of my hands at this point.
as mr. petty sings in the background....
did i mention i should be going to bed and/or packing for tomorrow? but no, here i am, filling cyberspace with my meaningless meandering musing. yes, i like my alliteration.
there's something important inside of me wanting to come out, but it can't seem to do it right now. i know i can't only have these shallow thoughts to share. i can't. but it's all that seems to be coming up at the moment.
seriously, i need to go. i have to be on the road before 7:00 so i can get to lansing in time to enjoy me some el azteco before the wedding. so looking forward to those chips and salsa and those enchiladas. hmmmmm. been too long.
oh yeah, and seeing gary again. and whomever else might show up. haven't really given it much thought, but i at least hope to see josh and emily again. nto sure what other spectres from youth groups past might appear. fun.
ok, just checked the shipping status of my new computer and it looks like it left lexington at 12:26 am. see, this is what i was afraid of. it'll probably show up on my doorstep while i am gone in lansing. i gave gina a key and asked her to drive by, just in case it does get here. would be nice to have it waiting for me when i get back, but would also be nice to not have it stolen from my porch while i'm gone. i think i'm safe - my guess is it shows up on monday, which is still earlier than i thought it would arrive.
sorry, i'm starting to geek out a bit.
yeah, yeah, i know, i'm going to go pack now. i'll update when i get back from michigan/ny state.
Æ
Tunes: josh ritter - thin blue flame
just returned from seeing X3. bleah. the director just didn't get it. the writers were hacks. the performances were phone in. not quite highlander 2 realm, but there were moments it came awfully close. convinces me of the power of a good director - when the director gets it, it makes all the difference in the world. ah well, at least i have the first two.
had my "date" tonight with jessica. why in quotes? not sure - really was simply dinner at dewey's as she had previous plans. how'd it go, you ask? 'twas much like sunday's meeting - pleasant enough, but a bit strained. honestly, i just don't think she's interested. and this isn't my usual, why-would-anyone-like-me crap. there's nothing there. gina mentioned perhaps she is interested, but is too shy. possibly. unfortunately, i basically need a big neon sign and a smack upside the head for me to "get it," so i'm not too hopeful.
actually at the moment i'm bordering on hopelessness. but it will pass.
callbacks for midsummer are tomorrow, which means i should find out what part i got tomorrow or sunday. again, trying not to get my hopes up too high and i'll have a good time regardless of the part i get. but the dream is to do bottom, which i know i could nail. but it's out of my hands at this point.
as mr. petty sings in the background....
did i mention i should be going to bed and/or packing for tomorrow? but no, here i am, filling cyberspace with my meaningless meandering musing. yes, i like my alliteration.
there's something important inside of me wanting to come out, but it can't seem to do it right now. i know i can't only have these shallow thoughts to share. i can't. but it's all that seems to be coming up at the moment.
seriously, i need to go. i have to be on the road before 7:00 so i can get to lansing in time to enjoy me some el azteco before the wedding. so looking forward to those chips and salsa and those enchiladas. hmmmmm. been too long.
oh yeah, and seeing gary again. and whomever else might show up. haven't really given it much thought, but i at least hope to see josh and emily again. nto sure what other spectres from youth groups past might appear. fun.
ok, just checked the shipping status of my new computer and it looks like it left lexington at 12:26 am. see, this is what i was afraid of. it'll probably show up on my doorstep while i am gone in lansing. i gave gina a key and asked her to drive by, just in case it does get here. would be nice to have it waiting for me when i get back, but would also be nice to not have it stolen from my porch while i'm gone. i think i'm safe - my guess is it shows up on monday, which is still earlier than i thought it would arrive.
sorry, i'm starting to geek out a bit.
yeah, yeah, i know, i'm going to go pack now. i'll update when i get back from michigan/ny state.
Æ
Tunes: josh ritter - thin blue flame
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
working for a living
well, for some extra spending cash, anyway. yep, at the auditorium again, this time babysitting acting up!'s production of honk jr. haven't had the courage to watch any of it - too occupied writing e-mails and reading greenblatt's will in the world which was kindly left on my doorstep last night by lori. nothing like a little shakespeare to suck me in. quite entertaining.
so this weekend just got a bit more interesting - gary, whose daughter's wedding i am driving to in lansing, wrote and wondered if i might be able to join him for a nine-hour road trip to help his other daughter keep her ranking as the point leader in jet-ski racing. yeah, i know. anyway, looks like we would leave after the wedding saturday night and return sunday night or monday. and as i have...wait, let me check...nothing going on, i told him it would be great. might even curb my craving for a road trip, at least for a bit. good thing my priceline bid failed for the hotel room - if we're leaving saturday night, no need to get a room.
been avoiding any deep thinking lately, so i have no great insights to share with you, my faithful readers. i could wax eloquently about the whole gay marriage amendment, but really, what would be the point? haven't heard back from ryan about the whole emergent church, so no go there. plus, i'm not sure i could articulate what i think at this moment anyway. i do wonder sometimes if once school is out if my IQ suddenly drops several points. i call it going into conservation mode. others call it laziness. history will prove who's right.
the great swimming experiment is going well - been able to pull myself out of bed every morning this week and get a few laps in. had to adjust my schedule a bit since they moved morning prayers to 7:30 (which explains why no one was there monday and tuesday when i showed up at 7:00). not sure the wisdom in getting up at 6:00am and i'm not sure how long i'll be able to do it, but for now it's a good way to start the morning - a quick swim, prayers, breakfast.
sorry to inflict on you the tedium of my vacation-life.
tomorrow i'll be doing a bit of domestic work - cleaning up around the house. since it's official that i'm getting a new computer, i need to make sure my space is ready to go for its eventual arrival. will at least keep me busy for part of the day and keep me from wasting away in front of the tv watching BSG seasons 1-2 (yes![[info]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_sjuVMW4YAVIN925sR0es5YEPKMn7GuBZ5SABawCnBleVN0qSlcG2j-vvQxoBrzJKqJggI3r-2BoP9lwsNKwnBnX2G9oUudPfrpm1VTo5Ov=s0-d)
ellescriba i watched the miniseries last night. we'll have to talk).
wow. i've bored my fingers into slumberland. time to go. sorry.
Æ
so this weekend just got a bit more interesting - gary, whose daughter's wedding i am driving to in lansing, wrote and wondered if i might be able to join him for a nine-hour road trip to help his other daughter keep her ranking as the point leader in jet-ski racing. yeah, i know. anyway, looks like we would leave after the wedding saturday night and return sunday night or monday. and as i have...wait, let me check...nothing going on, i told him it would be great. might even curb my craving for a road trip, at least for a bit. good thing my priceline bid failed for the hotel room - if we're leaving saturday night, no need to get a room.
been avoiding any deep thinking lately, so i have no great insights to share with you, my faithful readers. i could wax eloquently about the whole gay marriage amendment, but really, what would be the point? haven't heard back from ryan about the whole emergent church, so no go there. plus, i'm not sure i could articulate what i think at this moment anyway. i do wonder sometimes if once school is out if my IQ suddenly drops several points. i call it going into conservation mode. others call it laziness. history will prove who's right.
the great swimming experiment is going well - been able to pull myself out of bed every morning this week and get a few laps in. had to adjust my schedule a bit since they moved morning prayers to 7:30 (which explains why no one was there monday and tuesday when i showed up at 7:00). not sure the wisdom in getting up at 6:00am and i'm not sure how long i'll be able to do it, but for now it's a good way to start the morning - a quick swim, prayers, breakfast.
sorry to inflict on you the tedium of my vacation-life.
tomorrow i'll be doing a bit of domestic work - cleaning up around the house. since it's official that i'm getting a new computer, i need to make sure my space is ready to go for its eventual arrival. will at least keep me busy for part of the day and keep me from wasting away in front of the tv watching BSG seasons 1-2 (yes
ellescriba i watched the miniseries last night. we'll have to talk).wow. i've bored my fingers into slumberland. time to go. sorry.
Æ
Tunes: death cab for cutie - marching bands of manhattan
Monday, June 05, 2006
anatomy of a set up
first, the preliminaries - i almost didn't go. drove the four hours back from weirton sunday morning and made good enough time that i figured i'd take a short nap. mistake. didn't sleep much and it just made me grouchy. not the best of moods if you're going to meet someone. add to that major wardrobe crisis mere minutes before leaving, and i was a bundle full of fun on the way to the wedding. horrible frame of mind. had i not promised, i would have just stayed home. but i went, met bea at starbucks, drove to meg's then to the wedding.
the wedding itself was lovely - simple, straightforward and very, very crowded. beth knows everyone. there were TEN bridesmaids and TEN groomsmen. just a bit of overkill, but who am i to judge. oh right, someone who's been to far too many of these things. anway, i spent much of the service scanning the crowd looking for jessica. now i didn't know much about her - artist and relatively young. beyond that, nothing. beth was just a bit vague in descriptions. didn't see anyone who matched my preconceptions. so when we finally were dismissed (you know, there's no good way to do this - especially if you're stuck at the back waiting waiting waiting), beth leaned over and said she was in the back on the left in a blue dress. so i looked on my way out. didn't see anyone matching that description. not good.
so we head over to the reception (they had rented out ault park - beth's parents are not poor) and i had pretty much given up hope. i was in a bad mood, i didn't know who jessica was, beth was busy doing bridey stuff, so i was ready to write the afternoon off. then we went to talk to annie, who i had forgotten had actually me the mysterious jessica at a bridal shower. and it was through her i actually was introduced.
first impressions: not at all what i expected. much quieter and subdued - more the contemplative artist than the wild and crazy artist. she was wearing a bluish dress, which is why i didn't find her earlier - i was looking for solid blue, this was more of a patterned dress. we joked early on about beth's pushiness and then she joined us at the table we had commandeered when we arrived.
(aside: i got to spend the day with three beautiful women - meg, bea, kelley. i must have looked like quite the stud sitting at a table, the only guy among all the lovely women. sure, they're all taken, but 'twas fun nonetheless)
we talked, chatted, asked questions - all those things you do during a set up, trying to separate the preconceptions from the truth. and as we talked i came to a startling conclusion...
she's me. in many ways.
not sure how i feel about that. we're both strong introverts, evidenced by the lengthy gaps in conversation at times. we both have elitist tendencies (hers certainly can't be as annoying as mine, but i did get the sense). we both are uncomfortable in large groups and hate talking on the phone. and while it was great meeting someone who understood a lot of my quirks, there's part of me if it might not be too much of a familiar thing. but i'm withholding judgment for now, until we can get together again under less contrived circumstances (though aren't all "dates" contrived?).
so no, it wasn't the miserable experience i feared it might be on my drive there. was quite a pleasant experience. and while there were no fireworks or bolts of lightning, it was a fine way to spend an afternoon/early evening. and we'll see what comes next.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (acoustic)
the wedding itself was lovely - simple, straightforward and very, very crowded. beth knows everyone. there were TEN bridesmaids and TEN groomsmen. just a bit of overkill, but who am i to judge. oh right, someone who's been to far too many of these things. anway, i spent much of the service scanning the crowd looking for jessica. now i didn't know much about her - artist and relatively young. beyond that, nothing. beth was just a bit vague in descriptions. didn't see anyone who matched my preconceptions. so when we finally were dismissed (you know, there's no good way to do this - especially if you're stuck at the back waiting waiting waiting), beth leaned over and said she was in the back on the left in a blue dress. so i looked on my way out. didn't see anyone matching that description. not good.
so we head over to the reception (they had rented out ault park - beth's parents are not poor) and i had pretty much given up hope. i was in a bad mood, i didn't know who jessica was, beth was busy doing bridey stuff, so i was ready to write the afternoon off. then we went to talk to annie, who i had forgotten had actually me the mysterious jessica at a bridal shower. and it was through her i actually was introduced.
first impressions: not at all what i expected. much quieter and subdued - more the contemplative artist than the wild and crazy artist. she was wearing a bluish dress, which is why i didn't find her earlier - i was looking for solid blue, this was more of a patterned dress. we joked early on about beth's pushiness and then she joined us at the table we had commandeered when we arrived.
(aside: i got to spend the day with three beautiful women - meg, bea, kelley. i must have looked like quite the stud sitting at a table, the only guy among all the lovely women. sure, they're all taken, but 'twas fun nonetheless)
we talked, chatted, asked questions - all those things you do during a set up, trying to separate the preconceptions from the truth. and as we talked i came to a startling conclusion...
she's me. in many ways.
not sure how i feel about that. we're both strong introverts, evidenced by the lengthy gaps in conversation at times. we both have elitist tendencies (hers certainly can't be as annoying as mine, but i did get the sense). we both are uncomfortable in large groups and hate talking on the phone. and while it was great meeting someone who understood a lot of my quirks, there's part of me if it might not be too much of a familiar thing. but i'm withholding judgment for now, until we can get together again under less contrived circumstances (though aren't all "dates" contrived?).
so no, it wasn't the miserable experience i feared it might be on my drive there. was quite a pleasant experience. and while there were no fireworks or bolts of lightning, it was a fine way to spend an afternoon/early evening. and we'll see what comes next.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (acoustic)
let's do this
monday morning. woke around 6:00am - much earlier than i want to. but i figure it will take at least a week to shift out of my school schedule. of course with my sleeping record, who knows what will happen. wandered to st. e's for morning prayer, but alas, no one was there, which leads me to believe it may have been next door at the brownhouse, but by the time i figure it out, 'twas too late, so i prayed a bit on my own, then wandered down to the Y to begin what i hope will become a morning ritual this summer. i swam for about 30-40 minutes, then walked back home. felt good being active, though i've definitely lost my cardio ability. drawbacks of growing old. heading over to the barr's to help get their new sofa/sleeper into the house - ran into dave on the way home from the Y.
those of you looking for a recap of my wedding experience, be patient. i'm working up to it.
i'm going to hate this week. auditioned friday for midsummer and now i have to wait until friday at the earliest to hear what part i got. i REALLY want bottom, but i'm not sure i sold it in my audition. trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it's hard. such a great role. i should have done more prep. i had the whole character in my head, but needed to focus more on bottom's "acting." ah well, it's over now and i just have to wait. and wait. and wait.
the quickie road trip to see brent went well. good driving both ways (which basically means few annoying drivers - the benefit of leaving before 8am) and we had a good time. seems ikea has discontinued the bed frame i was going to buy, so i'll have to look elsewhere. did finally score my STEELERS SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS long sleeve t-shirt. was going to get the "got rings?" shirt, but forgot to bring cash with me. brent said he would pick it up for me, though. figured it would be appropriate to wear here in cincy - nothing like a little dig.... we also watched reefer madness, which was quite entertaining. fun watching kristen bell sing and dance - i'm waiting for the big musical number on veronica mars soon. there's a great song called romeo and juliet all about shakespeare. hilarious. would be fun to play for my classes when we do good old bill. also want to think about dropping references to the film since i get the feeling many of them have seen it, at least certain ones anyway.
moment of panic this morning....sat down last week and priced out a new computer. spent time figuring out how i would pay for it. went back today, pulled up my wish list....and it was gone. lovely. so i used dell's chat feature and was directed back to the page and "rebuilt" the computer i want. should only cost $737, which i can certainly do. think i have everything i need with it, too. will probably order it tomorrow, since my mortgage payment went out today and i get paid tomorrow. be nice to have the upgrade. be nice to have a monitor that i can actually see pictures on (wow, was that a horribly constructed sentence).
ah, will you look at that? time for me to go help dave. and after that i think i'm going to go ride my bike. so i guess my reflections on the wedding will have to wait. probably need to think about it some more anyway.....
Æ
Tunes: old 97's - wish the worst
those of you looking for a recap of my wedding experience, be patient. i'm working up to it.
i'm going to hate this week. auditioned friday for midsummer and now i have to wait until friday at the earliest to hear what part i got. i REALLY want bottom, but i'm not sure i sold it in my audition. trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it's hard. such a great role. i should have done more prep. i had the whole character in my head, but needed to focus more on bottom's "acting." ah well, it's over now and i just have to wait. and wait. and wait.
the quickie road trip to see brent went well. good driving both ways (which basically means few annoying drivers - the benefit of leaving before 8am) and we had a good time. seems ikea has discontinued the bed frame i was going to buy, so i'll have to look elsewhere. did finally score my STEELERS SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS long sleeve t-shirt. was going to get the "got rings?" shirt, but forgot to bring cash with me. brent said he would pick it up for me, though. figured it would be appropriate to wear here in cincy - nothing like a little dig.... we also watched reefer madness, which was quite entertaining. fun watching kristen bell sing and dance - i'm waiting for the big musical number on veronica mars soon. there's a great song called romeo and juliet all about shakespeare. hilarious. would be fun to play for my classes when we do good old bill. also want to think about dropping references to the film since i get the feeling many of them have seen it, at least certain ones anyway.
moment of panic this morning....sat down last week and priced out a new computer. spent time figuring out how i would pay for it. went back today, pulled up my wish list....and it was gone. lovely. so i used dell's chat feature and was directed back to the page and "rebuilt" the computer i want. should only cost $737, which i can certainly do. think i have everything i need with it, too. will probably order it tomorrow, since my mortgage payment went out today and i get paid tomorrow. be nice to have the upgrade. be nice to have a monitor that i can actually see pictures on (wow, was that a horribly constructed sentence).
ah, will you look at that? time for me to go help dave. and after that i think i'm going to go ride my bike. so i guess my reflections on the wedding will have to wait. probably need to think about it some more anyway.....
Æ
Tunes: old 97's - wish the worst
Friday, June 02, 2006
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Christina Rossetti
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Christina Rossetti
Thursday, June 01, 2006
leaping before looking
just responded to a post from my friend ryan's blog
http://1-peach-2-peach.livejournal.com/50569.html
now that school is (nearly) over, i'll have much more time for conversations like this one. at least i hope it turns into a conversation.
let's see....exams given? check. exams graded? check. grades entered into the gradebook? check. grades uploaded to edline to give students a chance to complain before i make it official? check. looking forward to tomorrow being the last day i have to get up at 5AM for three months? check.
feels great to be a teacher right now.
busy busy busy tomorrow. school/end of the year breakfast tomorrow at 7:30. getting all checked out, hopefully by 11:30, earlier if i can pull my butt out of bed (we're contractually obligated to be there for four hours tomorrow and can leave once that's done). then, weather-cooperating, i'll head to the island for my first beast fix of the season. maybe a couple. then home to prepare for my audition at 5:00ish. then to the fox and hound for some post-school-year reveling. looking forward to some good, unhealthy fried appetizers and an adult beverage or two (probably just one, knowing my cheap ways). then to bed so i can get up early to drive up to weirton/pittsburgh saturday morning. nothing like hitting my summer vacation running.
things i NEED to do in the next week....
things i'd LIKE to do in the next week....
time to do a bit of reading. relaxing. last school night for a while. and all the teachers say, "amen."
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - the queen and the soldier
http://1-peach-2-peach.livejournal.com/50569.html
now that school is (nearly) over, i'll have much more time for conversations like this one. at least i hope it turns into a conversation.
let's see....exams given? check. exams graded? check. grades entered into the gradebook? check. grades uploaded to edline to give students a chance to complain before i make it official? check. looking forward to tomorrow being the last day i have to get up at 5AM for three months? check.
feels great to be a teacher right now.
busy busy busy tomorrow. school/end of the year breakfast tomorrow at 7:30. getting all checked out, hopefully by 11:30, earlier if i can pull my butt out of bed (we're contractually obligated to be there for four hours tomorrow and can leave once that's done). then, weather-cooperating, i'll head to the island for my first beast fix of the season. maybe a couple. then home to prepare for my audition at 5:00ish. then to the fox and hound for some post-school-year reveling. looking forward to some good, unhealthy fried appetizers and an adult beverage or two (probably just one, knowing my cheap ways). then to bed so i can get up early to drive up to weirton/pittsburgh saturday morning. nothing like hitting my summer vacation running.
things i NEED to do in the next week....
- call for an eye appointment (i am out of contacts and it's been two years since my last checkup)
- call a tree guy to get jarnsaxa healthy
- figure out financing for getting jarnsaxa healthy
- figure out financing for a new computer
- make a list of house-related projects for the summer
- start going to morning prayers
- sleep. a lot.
things i'd LIKE to do in the next week....
- do a little volunteering at the fringe festival
- get on my bike and ride
- get off my butt and use the Y membership i've had for five months but never used
- figure out some kind of road trip for this summer
- meet the love of my life
- sleep. a lot.
time to do a bit of reading. relaxing. last school night for a while. and all the teachers say, "amen."
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - the queen and the soldier
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
down to two
can someone please tell me why none of the media players i have on my computer allow me to play songs from my mp3 player?
thanks.
first day of exams went smoothly - only one exam, so i spent the extra time tearing down my room, getting everything put away for the summer, packing up books, etc. mostly done with that, which means tomorrow i just have to give my exams and then grade them, which hopefully i'll finish before i leave the school tomorrow. my exam is way too easy, but then most of the evaluation over this stuff was done during the trimester - seriously, if i wasn't required to give an exam i so wouldn't. such a waste. yet given such importance in our school. ah well, 'twill all be over by this time friday.
actually by this time friday i hope to be well into reveling at the fox and hound.
i've also decided to celebrate the end of classes by heading to KI and riding the beast a couple of times in celebration, before i head home to get ready for my midsummer audition. been rereading the play this week, and have a good idea of how i want to read the two characters i want most (bottom/puck). here's hoping it's what allen is looking for, too. i thought about asking him, but somehow that seemed like cheating. not sure why i feel that way - maybe i'm just trying to stay away from favoritism? or even the hint of favoritism? i know it's an unavoidable part of the process, but no use compounding the difficulties, right?
i got lazy this weekend and so am growing my beard back out. i'm in the stubbly wino phase right now - here's hoping it gets better by the time this weekend rolls around.
right...this weekend. heading to pittsburgh to visit brent and ikea. and pick up some steelers stuff since, oddly enough, i can't find any here in cincy. be a quick turnaround - probably less than 24 hours there. going to head up early saturday morning, come back sunday. sunday will be....interesting. see if you can follow this: my friend beth is getting married sunday afternoon. i, however, did not rate an invitation to the wedding. however, beth asked bea to invite me as her date, but not so much so bea has someone to go with but so i will be at the wedding so i can (finally, after months of prodding) meet beth's friend jessica, who is the "artistic coordinator" for beth's wedding. still with me? now from what i've been told, jessica is "perfect" for me. beth (jokingly, i hope) refers to her as my future wife, which was echoed by someone else who met her. even her future husband is actually excited about this meeting.
no pressure or anything.
i'm not opposed to being set up, though it has only happened a handful of times in my life, probably because i give off that "i'm comfortable being single" vibe (that's the explanation i'm sticking with anyway. i don't like the other options....). and if nothing else, it will be fun to meet someone. i'm a bit guarded, though, trying not to get my hopes up too high. the comfort of the pessimist - keep the threat of being disappointed to a minimum. but who knows what will happen.
curious collision: last night on a whim i met bea and went to see friends with money (sorry gina. just kind of happened). the movie rang "true" - the characters seemed real and not mere tools to be used by the director/writer. and the cast was wonderful, especially ms. mcdormand - hilarious. anyway, joan's character raised a question i've pondered myself before - do i have friends who are friends just because i met them at the right time? that if i met them earlier or later in my life, we would never have become friends? it's all about timing, right? anyway, bea and i were talking about this after the movie and i mentioned my friend jennifer - the doctor i've known since we were in grade school. our lives are quite different from the ones we shared while we were growing up and last time i saw her, i wondered if we met at a party or a club now whether we would even have much of a conversation. now, i haven't heard from jennifer since last time i was nyc, which is what, two years ago now? three? and she's moved to florida and gotten married since. i've sent out a couple of e-mails, but nothing, which made me sad because she's one of my oldest friends and i would hate to lose touch. anyway, i opened my e-mail today and there waiting was a change of e-mail address from her. again, timing. so i'll be writing her again and hopefully she'll respond this time. keep your fingers crossed.
spew spew spew.
ok, i have e-mails to write and a poem idea to get down. the year is almost done. and as i mentioned last night at house church, i'm looking forward to taking some time to gather the scattered pieces of my life and seeing what they look like now. who knows, maybe it will be a whole new picture....
Æ
Tunes: rush - ceiling unlimited
thanks.
first day of exams went smoothly - only one exam, so i spent the extra time tearing down my room, getting everything put away for the summer, packing up books, etc. mostly done with that, which means tomorrow i just have to give my exams and then grade them, which hopefully i'll finish before i leave the school tomorrow. my exam is way too easy, but then most of the evaluation over this stuff was done during the trimester - seriously, if i wasn't required to give an exam i so wouldn't. such a waste. yet given such importance in our school. ah well, 'twill all be over by this time friday.
actually by this time friday i hope to be well into reveling at the fox and hound.
i've also decided to celebrate the end of classes by heading to KI and riding the beast a couple of times in celebration, before i head home to get ready for my midsummer audition. been rereading the play this week, and have a good idea of how i want to read the two characters i want most (bottom/puck). here's hoping it's what allen is looking for, too. i thought about asking him, but somehow that seemed like cheating. not sure why i feel that way - maybe i'm just trying to stay away from favoritism? or even the hint of favoritism? i know it's an unavoidable part of the process, but no use compounding the difficulties, right?
i got lazy this weekend and so am growing my beard back out. i'm in the stubbly wino phase right now - here's hoping it gets better by the time this weekend rolls around.
right...this weekend. heading to pittsburgh to visit brent and ikea. and pick up some steelers stuff since, oddly enough, i can't find any here in cincy. be a quick turnaround - probably less than 24 hours there. going to head up early saturday morning, come back sunday. sunday will be....interesting. see if you can follow this: my friend beth is getting married sunday afternoon. i, however, did not rate an invitation to the wedding. however, beth asked bea to invite me as her date, but not so much so bea has someone to go with but so i will be at the wedding so i can (finally, after months of prodding) meet beth's friend jessica, who is the "artistic coordinator" for beth's wedding. still with me? now from what i've been told, jessica is "perfect" for me. beth (jokingly, i hope) refers to her as my future wife, which was echoed by someone else who met her. even her future husband is actually excited about this meeting.
no pressure or anything.
i'm not opposed to being set up, though it has only happened a handful of times in my life, probably because i give off that "i'm comfortable being single" vibe (that's the explanation i'm sticking with anyway. i don't like the other options....). and if nothing else, it will be fun to meet someone. i'm a bit guarded, though, trying not to get my hopes up too high. the comfort of the pessimist - keep the threat of being disappointed to a minimum. but who knows what will happen.
curious collision: last night on a whim i met bea and went to see friends with money (sorry gina. just kind of happened). the movie rang "true" - the characters seemed real and not mere tools to be used by the director/writer. and the cast was wonderful, especially ms. mcdormand - hilarious. anyway, joan's character raised a question i've pondered myself before - do i have friends who are friends just because i met them at the right time? that if i met them earlier or later in my life, we would never have become friends? it's all about timing, right? anyway, bea and i were talking about this after the movie and i mentioned my friend jennifer - the doctor i've known since we were in grade school. our lives are quite different from the ones we shared while we were growing up and last time i saw her, i wondered if we met at a party or a club now whether we would even have much of a conversation. now, i haven't heard from jennifer since last time i was nyc, which is what, two years ago now? three? and she's moved to florida and gotten married since. i've sent out a couple of e-mails, but nothing, which made me sad because she's one of my oldest friends and i would hate to lose touch. anyway, i opened my e-mail today and there waiting was a change of e-mail address from her. again, timing. so i'll be writing her again and hopefully she'll respond this time. keep your fingers crossed.
spew spew spew.
ok, i have e-mails to write and a poem idea to get down. the year is almost done. and as i mentioned last night at house church, i'm looking forward to taking some time to gather the scattered pieces of my life and seeing what they look like now. who knows, maybe it will be a whole new picture....
Æ
Tunes: rush - ceiling unlimited
Saturday, May 27, 2006
up in the morning
let's see, it's 10:11, which means i have been up for, oh, nearly four and a half hours now. not the way i envisioned my memorial day weekend beginning. add to that the inability to sleep last night until around 3AM and you have a good inkling of what my brain is like at the moment. on the plus side, the extra early morning hours have allowed me to get most of my laundry done for the moment. will pull my khakis and jeans out of the dryer soon, put in my whites and bed sheets, then head out to mow my lawn, which means i could conceivably be finished with the chores i set for myself before noon.
now if i can just avoid crashing too hard later today.
for the final friday with students, yesterday sucked. something attacked me, emotionally, and i was out of sorts the entire day. andy joked 'twas from realizing soon my students would be gone and i would be missing them. somehow i doubt it. not that i don't love my students, but i am anxious for the summer to come so i can refresh and recharge. anyway, i felt horrible inside, made worse because i felt myself inflicting it on my students, which they didn't deserve. ah well, 'twill be over soon enough. trying not to think of all i have to get done before tuesday arrives....
already i feel myself gripping time too tightly, watching it spill through my fingers. summer has yet begun and already i feel myself wasting it. i look ahead to the coming weeks and realize i have little planned, which somehow translates itself into doing nothing. which i know is not true, but it's how it feels. i have no trips planned, not now that i realize my hope of making it to nyc to see doug has evaporated (sorry anne. just can't make the timing or the fundage work). so what will i do with my time? right now i depend on making it into shakespeare in sharonville, which i am confident will happen. the question is which role will i play. at least it will take up some of my time, keep me from being a complete sluggard for the summer months. and as nature abhors a vacuum, i know the space will eventually be filled one way or another. i only pray it is with meaningful activity - or non-activity as the case may be.
ali's party is tonight, which will be a wonderful way to spend the evening. here's hoping social thurm shows up and not his melancholy, introverted twin. sounds like 'twould be easy to control, but 'tis not. nappage may be needed to insure the necessary energy. if only i had my hammock....perhaps i should journey to sam's, which i need to do anyway as i am dangerously low on toilet paper and soap.
dryer time. must remove so they don't wrinkle. then mow mow mow. here's to enjoying a glorious day.
Æ
Tunes: teenage fanclub - sharky's dream
now if i can just avoid crashing too hard later today.
for the final friday with students, yesterday sucked. something attacked me, emotionally, and i was out of sorts the entire day. andy joked 'twas from realizing soon my students would be gone and i would be missing them. somehow i doubt it. not that i don't love my students, but i am anxious for the summer to come so i can refresh and recharge. anyway, i felt horrible inside, made worse because i felt myself inflicting it on my students, which they didn't deserve. ah well, 'twill be over soon enough. trying not to think of all i have to get done before tuesday arrives....
already i feel myself gripping time too tightly, watching it spill through my fingers. summer has yet begun and already i feel myself wasting it. i look ahead to the coming weeks and realize i have little planned, which somehow translates itself into doing nothing. which i know is not true, but it's how it feels. i have no trips planned, not now that i realize my hope of making it to nyc to see doug has evaporated (sorry anne. just can't make the timing or the fundage work). so what will i do with my time? right now i depend on making it into shakespeare in sharonville, which i am confident will happen. the question is which role will i play. at least it will take up some of my time, keep me from being a complete sluggard for the summer months. and as nature abhors a vacuum, i know the space will eventually be filled one way or another. i only pray it is with meaningful activity - or non-activity as the case may be.
ali's party is tonight, which will be a wonderful way to spend the evening. here's hoping social thurm shows up and not his melancholy, introverted twin. sounds like 'twould be easy to control, but 'tis not. nappage may be needed to insure the necessary energy. if only i had my hammock....perhaps i should journey to sam's, which i need to do anyway as i am dangerously low on toilet paper and soap.
dryer time. must remove so they don't wrinkle. then mow mow mow. here's to enjoying a glorious day.
Æ
Tunes: teenage fanclub - sharky's dream
moments (stolen)
allison blogged on this and i commented on her blog and since i'm too tired to write anything else, this will have to do for now....
- walking under a tree during an eclipse and seeing hundreds of scattered eclipses from the shadows of the leaves
- sitting under the stars on a florida beach the summer after college, talking with my friends on where we thought we'd be in a year as we watched a storm roll across the horizon
- on my knees in a converted hotel meeting room in denver where God told me the path i had walked for 13 years was no longer for me
- a chilly october night in arrowhead stadium, singing with or without you to no one in particular
- sitting in the back seat of jay's car, holding hands for the first time with a girl i would never kiss
- my lips actually burning after keeping a promise to my friend mike and stealing a kiss from my friend michelle
- the shock of hearing my name called for the best performance award my sophomore year of high school
- rounding the curve on my bicycle, hitting the gravel, and realizing i was headed right for the ditch. i spent the next 13 weeks in a halo
- searching for my ID with stacy and spending hours huddled on a bench sharing dreams and warmth
- having drinks with douglas coupland and a group of campers at a uber-yuppie bar in boston and talking about 9/11 and quilting
your turn. share yours.
Æ
Tunes: chris isaac - wicked game
- walking under a tree during an eclipse and seeing hundreds of scattered eclipses from the shadows of the leaves
- sitting under the stars on a florida beach the summer after college, talking with my friends on where we thought we'd be in a year as we watched a storm roll across the horizon
- on my knees in a converted hotel meeting room in denver where God told me the path i had walked for 13 years was no longer for me
- a chilly october night in arrowhead stadium, singing with or without you to no one in particular
- sitting in the back seat of jay's car, holding hands for the first time with a girl i would never kiss
- my lips actually burning after keeping a promise to my friend mike and stealing a kiss from my friend michelle
- the shock of hearing my name called for the best performance award my sophomore year of high school
- rounding the curve on my bicycle, hitting the gravel, and realizing i was headed right for the ditch. i spent the next 13 weeks in a halo
- searching for my ID with stacy and spending hours huddled on a bench sharing dreams and warmth
- having drinks with douglas coupland and a group of campers at a uber-yuppie bar in boston and talking about 9/11 and quilting
your turn. share yours.
Æ
Tunes: chris isaac - wicked game
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
wishing i wasn't still singing this song....
I can't believe summer's almost here
I made it through another year even if alone
but there's no tears in my eyes
life is still full of surprise
I'm not looking for a one night stand
I stand behind you and I watch you from a mile away
wishing you could be the one but not here this way
I'd like to know your name
and I must know who you are Yeah
I look at you and I know who you are
you're just a little bit too far from my home
but please don't get me wrong even though it has been long
I hope I never sing my last song without someone
king's x - goldilox
Tunes: duh
Monday, May 22, 2006
anyone want a free magazine?
one of my favorite magazines, paste magazine, is asking its subscribers to supply names and addresses of those who would like to recieve a free issue, no strings attached. i love this magazine - great articles, and you get a cd every issue and sometimes a dvd. i've been a subscriber since issue #1 and i have never failed to read it cover to cover. and the cds, unlike some compilations, are full of great tunes.
only catch: i have to turn in my list by may 26 (friday). so if you're interested, e-mail your address to me and i'll make sure you get an issue.
what have you got to lose?
Æ
Tunes: the white stripes - i'm bound to pack it up (e-music added the white stripes to their downloads - woohoo!)
only catch: i have to turn in my list by may 26 (friday). so if you're interested, e-mail your address to me and i'll make sure you get an issue.
what have you got to lose?
Æ
Tunes: the white stripes - i'm bound to pack it up (e-music added the white stripes to their downloads - woohoo!)
the battle is over....
...but the war rages on.
just a bit of hyperbole here at the end of the first prong of my three battle war with my student's work. the research papers are graded - i will input them into the gradebook tomorrow and pass them back. this leaves only the independent novel projects, which i hope to finish by friday, and their journals, which will be graded while i work at the auditorium this weekend (or on memorial day, if all else fails). spent the afternoon at panera, which worked well enough that i may try it again in the future. they have caffeine-free diet pepsi, which is good news for my overly sensitive body (was up past 2AM last night because of the caffeinated beverage i had last night around 6PM. ridiculous). with each paper graded i can feel another layer peeled off, lightening my load and preparing me for the glory of summer.
i'll try not to get all giddy on yo' asses as the time draws to a close.
thanks for those who provided some insight into my dream. as was pointed out elsewhere, i have indeed had a similar dream before, which i realized as i typed it up. repeating dreams must mean this is a serious issue i'm trying to work out. from my friend alexa: (via http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/w2.htm)
"To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.
To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side."
i hope it's the latter interpretation, 'cause otherwise i need to figure out what my anxiety, bitterness or sorrow is about. though death certainly has been a significant part of my life in recent months. hmmmm. more to ponder (which will probably screw up even more of my dreams).
ok, off to bed. here's hoping sleep slips under the sheets with me much earlier tonight.
Æ
Tunes: the white stripes - you're pretty good looking (for a girl)
just a bit of hyperbole here at the end of the first prong of my three battle war with my student's work. the research papers are graded - i will input them into the gradebook tomorrow and pass them back. this leaves only the independent novel projects, which i hope to finish by friday, and their journals, which will be graded while i work at the auditorium this weekend (or on memorial day, if all else fails). spent the afternoon at panera, which worked well enough that i may try it again in the future. they have caffeine-free diet pepsi, which is good news for my overly sensitive body (was up past 2AM last night because of the caffeinated beverage i had last night around 6PM. ridiculous). with each paper graded i can feel another layer peeled off, lightening my load and preparing me for the glory of summer.
i'll try not to get all giddy on yo' asses as the time draws to a close.
thanks for those who provided some insight into my dream. as was pointed out elsewhere, i have indeed had a similar dream before, which i realized as i typed it up. repeating dreams must mean this is a serious issue i'm trying to work out. from my friend alexa: (via http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/w2.htm)
"To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.
To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side."
i hope it's the latter interpretation, 'cause otherwise i need to figure out what my anxiety, bitterness or sorrow is about. though death certainly has been a significant part of my life in recent months. hmmmm. more to ponder (which will probably screw up even more of my dreams).
ok, off to bed. here's hoping sleep slips under the sheets with me much earlier tonight.
Æ
Tunes: the white stripes - you're pretty good looking (for a girl)
bored at lunch
yeah, i can't get the formatting right. sorry. Æ
Your results:
You are Spider-Man
Your results:
You are Spider-Man
|
Saturday, May 20, 2006
armchair psychoanalysts, pull out your couches
so it's my wedding weekend and the wedding party has gathered on the shore of some lake, obviously along the canadian border since we keep making jokes about canada being far too close on the other side of the lake. a large canopied tent is set up, similar to what you see at an outdoor concert, complete with a stage and sound system. we have just finished the actual rehearsal part of the dinner and are gathering to go and have dinner. i am surrounded by my house church, most of whom are part of the wedding party or officiating at the wedding. my bride is....amorphous, changing from one scene to the next. the whole affair has a thrown together feel to it, like this is spur of the moment, unorganized. as we begin to head to the dinner, a sense of uneasiness settles in. i feel this is all moving much too quickly, that i'm not ready for this, that too much is not right. we get to where the dinner is to be held, which from all appearances seems to be the lounge of some bowling alley, complete with orange booths and greasy food. i look around at those gathered and realize so many people are missing, which only adds to my anxiety. the members of my house church seem somewhat oblivious to how i am feeling, going on about how wonderful it all will be, how excited they are to be a part. my future wife is no where to be seen.
cut to the next day, my wedding day, and my trepidation has reached new heights. i know what i have to do - i have to call it off, i can't do this. but i know how disappointed everyone will be and i'm afraid of the repercussions, so i hesitate saying anything, especially since guests have started to arrive. but nothing is right - the person presiding isn't ordained, my parents haven't been invited and, for a brief moment, it appears my future bride is my sister (but only for that brief moment). so i am trying to talk to someone who will help push me in the right direction, but everyone's too involved in preparing for the ceremony to listen. and though i know everyone will be upset and my poor bride (whoever she is) will be devastated, i know i can't do this. so i begin to walk away....
....and at that moment i woke up.
lovely way to start a saturday.
Æ
Tunes: charlie peacock - lie down in the grass
cut to the next day, my wedding day, and my trepidation has reached new heights. i know what i have to do - i have to call it off, i can't do this. but i know how disappointed everyone will be and i'm afraid of the repercussions, so i hesitate saying anything, especially since guests have started to arrive. but nothing is right - the person presiding isn't ordained, my parents haven't been invited and, for a brief moment, it appears my future bride is my sister (but only for that brief moment). so i am trying to talk to someone who will help push me in the right direction, but everyone's too involved in preparing for the ceremony to listen. and though i know everyone will be upset and my poor bride (whoever she is) will be devastated, i know i can't do this. so i begin to walk away....
....and at that moment i woke up.
lovely way to start a saturday.
Æ
Tunes: charlie peacock - lie down in the grass
Friday, May 19, 2006
things that make you lose your faith
just returned from watching the da vinci code. pretty much what i anticipated - the movie managed to mangle a cinematic book and make it into an uninvolving movie. it's not a bad movie, but certainly not worth all the hype. as for all the naysayers and boycotters out there - sorry guys, this movie isn't worth your effort. this movie (and the book, for that matter) is not heretical and is not a danger to true faith. one, for the obvious-impaired - it's fiction. plain and simple. an interesting idea and a well-structured story, but still - not true. seriously, if this movie makes you question your faith, then your faith wasn't much to begin with. condescending? perhaps. but honestly, there's nothing there. the claims of the story are ridiculous and laughable with little basis in reality. the fact that so many have latched onto this idea as viable proves to me the church has screwed up. if people are more willing to believe this than what the church presents as the message of Christ, we're doing it wrong.
met some of the chess cast for the evening. good to see them again, and catch up ever so briefly. had intended to stick around afterwards, see if people wanted to go talk or whatever, but somehow i got separated and the next thing i knew i was in lorelai heading back to the grotto, after a brief stop at udf for some ice cream. mmmm....ice cream. i stuck around to watch the credits, so i missed a lot of what people thought of the movie - hopefully some of them will post to their blogs so i can catch up. thought about calling when i got home (i had no one's number in my phone, natch), but now that i'm here, it's probably best i just stay here. i was off my game tonight - my attempts at being social felt forced. i'm going to blame it on (the rain) the end of a long school week.
one more full week left. glorious.
the da vinci code might not cause me to lose my faith, but i got news this week that might. found out a friend of mine, a pastor, just turned in his credentials after being caught having an extramarital affair. no asking for forgiveness, no working things out with his wife, just that's enough for me, you can't hold me responsible, i'm going to go do my own thing. granted, that's how it appears and i don't know the whole story or what was involved and my prayer is this a temporary shutting himself off so he can figure things out.
i'm at a great disadvantage here. i have a difficult time wrapping my head around infidelity. lack of experience in any kind of serious relationship contributes to this - i mean, i've spent the majority of my adolescent/post-adolescent life in search of someone to share my life with, so it's hard for me to understand how someone, once they've found that, can simply walk away. or chase someone else. me, i hear someone's just dating someone else and the door slams shut and i know there's no use trying to reopen it. yes, i realize i'm abnormal. but it's hard to compare who has the greenest grass when all you want is a yard to call your own.
this happens way too often to those in ministry. i understand intellectually - as pastor, they are often put in positions of trust and it's easy for that relationship to slip, to have intentions misunderstood, to have divine love become confused with romantic love. but i don't buy the argument this is beyond our control - we still have free will, we are not slaves to our passions, we don't have to follow every impulse. somehow we've gotten it into our heads that if i feel it, it must be right. we scoff at the concept of denying ourselves anything - sex, possessions, double-dip ice cream cones.... we must have it all. we must have it now. it's what we were created for. it's what God would want.
again, how have we twisted God's message so much?
and trust me, this first stone in my hand is aimed right at my own head. i fall into this trap easily myself. and just because i'm not in a position to be unfaithful doesn't mean i too don't deny myself in other, less titilating ways.
long weekend - wwg meeting tomorrow morning (how do i always end up on committees with morning people?), then lc tomorrow afternoon, then off to see richie iii. worship sunday morning, then i'm working the auditorium for the mason community band sunday night, which i hope allows me time to get some grading done. ideally i'd like to be done with all my research papers by monday, but i get the sense that may not happen. i'll have to sit down and count how may there are to get done - i know it's bad, but i kind of hope some of them decided it wasn't worth the time - saves me time grading.
did i mention there are only eight more days with students left?
weird moment tonight - seems i left a poem of some sort in the copy of the da vinci code i borrowed from matt. not a big deal, except i have no idea what it was. no idea what it might say or what i might have been hoping to write about. there are so many bits of paper with fragments of ideas on them - who knows which one ended up in the book. hopefully nothing embarrassing....
well past the witching hour. i suppose i should start heading to bed. finished the book i was reading - perfume by suskind. well told tale, and grenouille is a fascinating character. and the idea of an olfactory genius plays out well in the novel. recommended. not sure what i'll move on to next. promised myself i would read don quixote finally this summer, but won't start that just yet. guess i could start reading over midsummers in preparation for the audition in a couple of weeks. forgot to check with allen to see how important call backs are - i have jesse's wedding that day up in lansing and i'd have to miss them. think i'm going to shoot for bottom, but i'll be happy just to be doing another show...
and now my left contact is trying desperately to jump out of my eye, so i should go. night.
Æ
Tunes: tori amos - smells like teen spirit
met some of the chess cast for the evening. good to see them again, and catch up ever so briefly. had intended to stick around afterwards, see if people wanted to go talk or whatever, but somehow i got separated and the next thing i knew i was in lorelai heading back to the grotto, after a brief stop at udf for some ice cream. mmmm....ice cream. i stuck around to watch the credits, so i missed a lot of what people thought of the movie - hopefully some of them will post to their blogs so i can catch up. thought about calling when i got home (i had no one's number in my phone, natch), but now that i'm here, it's probably best i just stay here. i was off my game tonight - my attempts at being social felt forced. i'm going to blame it on (the rain) the end of a long school week.
one more full week left. glorious.
the da vinci code might not cause me to lose my faith, but i got news this week that might. found out a friend of mine, a pastor, just turned in his credentials after being caught having an extramarital affair. no asking for forgiveness, no working things out with his wife, just that's enough for me, you can't hold me responsible, i'm going to go do my own thing. granted, that's how it appears and i don't know the whole story or what was involved and my prayer is this a temporary shutting himself off so he can figure things out.
i'm at a great disadvantage here. i have a difficult time wrapping my head around infidelity. lack of experience in any kind of serious relationship contributes to this - i mean, i've spent the majority of my adolescent/post-adolescent life in search of someone to share my life with, so it's hard for me to understand how someone, once they've found that, can simply walk away. or chase someone else. me, i hear someone's just dating someone else and the door slams shut and i know there's no use trying to reopen it. yes, i realize i'm abnormal. but it's hard to compare who has the greenest grass when all you want is a yard to call your own.
this happens way too often to those in ministry. i understand intellectually - as pastor, they are often put in positions of trust and it's easy for that relationship to slip, to have intentions misunderstood, to have divine love become confused with romantic love. but i don't buy the argument this is beyond our control - we still have free will, we are not slaves to our passions, we don't have to follow every impulse. somehow we've gotten it into our heads that if i feel it, it must be right. we scoff at the concept of denying ourselves anything - sex, possessions, double-dip ice cream cones.... we must have it all. we must have it now. it's what we were created for. it's what God would want.
again, how have we twisted God's message so much?
and trust me, this first stone in my hand is aimed right at my own head. i fall into this trap easily myself. and just because i'm not in a position to be unfaithful doesn't mean i too don't deny myself in other, less titilating ways.
long weekend - wwg meeting tomorrow morning (how do i always end up on committees with morning people?), then lc tomorrow afternoon, then off to see richie iii. worship sunday morning, then i'm working the auditorium for the mason community band sunday night, which i hope allows me time to get some grading done. ideally i'd like to be done with all my research papers by monday, but i get the sense that may not happen. i'll have to sit down and count how may there are to get done - i know it's bad, but i kind of hope some of them decided it wasn't worth the time - saves me time grading.
did i mention there are only eight more days with students left?
weird moment tonight - seems i left a poem of some sort in the copy of the da vinci code i borrowed from matt. not a big deal, except i have no idea what it was. no idea what it might say or what i might have been hoping to write about. there are so many bits of paper with fragments of ideas on them - who knows which one ended up in the book. hopefully nothing embarrassing....
well past the witching hour. i suppose i should start heading to bed. finished the book i was reading - perfume by suskind. well told tale, and grenouille is a fascinating character. and the idea of an olfactory genius plays out well in the novel. recommended. not sure what i'll move on to next. promised myself i would read don quixote finally this summer, but won't start that just yet. guess i could start reading over midsummers in preparation for the audition in a couple of weeks. forgot to check with allen to see how important call backs are - i have jesse's wedding that day up in lansing and i'd have to miss them. think i'm going to shoot for bottom, but i'll be happy just to be doing another show...
and now my left contact is trying desperately to jump out of my eye, so i should go. night.
Æ
Tunes: tori amos - smells like teen spirit
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
because not everyone reads comments
from my friend anne, left at my livejournal mirror site (or is this site the mirror...)
No two shows are alike in the making.
Each show is living a piece of your life
in a small unreal world with its own character
and integrity; its own set of memorable experiences
and incredible happenings.
You begin to love and adapt to its strangeness.
Dreams harden into focus. You wish it would never end.
But the show does end. The dream world vanishes
like mist before a rising sun;
part of you vanishes with it.
And back you land in the real world with a thud--
uneasy, jittery, difficult to get along with.
There is only one cure.
A new show. A new, small unreal world;
new visions, experiences, incredible happenings.
Again you love it, adapt to it, wish it would never end.
But end it does. Another part of you vanishes.
That is the theatre!
wm. to annie, 1991<<
annie to tea, 2006
Tunes: archers of loaf - web in front
No two shows are alike in the making.
Each show is living a piece of your life
in a small unreal world with its own character
and integrity; its own set of memorable experiences
and incredible happenings.
You begin to love and adapt to its strangeness.
Dreams harden into focus. You wish it would never end.
But the show does end. The dream world vanishes
like mist before a rising sun;
part of you vanishes with it.
And back you land in the real world with a thud--
uneasy, jittery, difficult to get along with.
There is only one cure.
A new show. A new, small unreal world;
new visions, experiences, incredible happenings.
Again you love it, adapt to it, wish it would never end.
But end it does. Another part of you vanishes.
That is the theatre!
wm. to annie, 1991<<
annie to tea, 2006
Tunes: archers of loaf - web in front
Monday, May 15, 2006
grading therapy
no, i don't mean i need therapy because of the grading i have to do. i mean the therapeutic power of grading. the sense of accomplishment that comes when you finally get a class done. the (cliche alert! cliche alert!) light at the end of the tunnel now that half of them are graded. the ability grading has to take your mind off the fact that another huge project is coming in tomorrow - and the fact that you've felt out of sorts all day.
but i don't want to talk about that. yet.
was pondering my recent adventures in the theatre world and looking at my life and thinking how much my decision to leave full-time youth ministry has helped me to become more me, more in touch with my passions and, thereby, more in touch with God. don't get me wrong - i loved doing youth ministry. and i definitely miss certain aspects of it (especially the no grading/no getting up early aspects). but in the process i lost part of who i was. i look back and am amazed i was able to go so long without doing theatre. oh sure, i helped with church drama stuff, sketches and the like, but it's not the same. and i'm amazed how i lost touch with the poet inside during that time as well. glad it's back (though school and grading threatens to squeeze it out too).
all that to say, i feel more confident now that i am journeying in the right direction, that the choices and decisions i made what, seven years ago now, were the right ones. i am where i am supposed to be (ok, why did "where i want to be" just start running through my head? damn you chess!).
speaking of chess (really, some day soon it will fade into the past and you won't have to hear about it anymore. well, maybe not soon...), looks like some of us will be getting together friday night for drinks and to see the da vinci code. here's hoping it's worth the $10. at least the company will be good. will be interested to talk about it afterwards, which, knowing this group, should definitely happen. i'm not expecting much, other than to enjoy watching audrey tatou on the big screen. and to keep myself from openly scoffing at some of the glaring errors in the story. but i'll be good, i promise.
today marked the end of my experience with whiz kids, the tutoring program at allison elementary. we had a time of sharing and snacks with the kids. i'm going to miss jordan, though there's the possibility that we'll be able to make contact over the summer through the next step (a "mentoring" program that sounds like big brothers/big sisters). i'm not sure i did much to help his reading and writing issues - he does have a long way to go. but maybe some kind of seed has been planted which will grow into something later on.
ok, 11:00 now. time to get to sleep. long day of independent novel presentations tomorrow. here's hoping they go well. and that they're fun for both me and the students.
night!
Æ
Tunes: queen - hammer to fall
but i don't want to talk about that. yet.
was pondering my recent adventures in the theatre world and looking at my life and thinking how much my decision to leave full-time youth ministry has helped me to become more me, more in touch with my passions and, thereby, more in touch with God. don't get me wrong - i loved doing youth ministry. and i definitely miss certain aspects of it (especially the no grading/no getting up early aspects). but in the process i lost part of who i was. i look back and am amazed i was able to go so long without doing theatre. oh sure, i helped with church drama stuff, sketches and the like, but it's not the same. and i'm amazed how i lost touch with the poet inside during that time as well. glad it's back (though school and grading threatens to squeeze it out too).
all that to say, i feel more confident now that i am journeying in the right direction, that the choices and decisions i made what, seven years ago now, were the right ones. i am where i am supposed to be (ok, why did "where i want to be" just start running through my head? damn you chess!).
speaking of chess (really, some day soon it will fade into the past and you won't have to hear about it anymore. well, maybe not soon...), looks like some of us will be getting together friday night for drinks and to see the da vinci code. here's hoping it's worth the $10. at least the company will be good. will be interested to talk about it afterwards, which, knowing this group, should definitely happen. i'm not expecting much, other than to enjoy watching audrey tatou on the big screen. and to keep myself from openly scoffing at some of the glaring errors in the story. but i'll be good, i promise.
today marked the end of my experience with whiz kids, the tutoring program at allison elementary. we had a time of sharing and snacks with the kids. i'm going to miss jordan, though there's the possibility that we'll be able to make contact over the summer through the next step (a "mentoring" program that sounds like big brothers/big sisters). i'm not sure i did much to help his reading and writing issues - he does have a long way to go. but maybe some kind of seed has been planted which will grow into something later on.
ok, 11:00 now. time to get to sleep. long day of independent novel presentations tomorrow. here's hoping they go well. and that they're fun for both me and the students.
night!
Æ
Tunes: queen - hammer to fall
Sunday, May 14, 2006
chess has left the building
first, a tidbit from last night....
i feel i am stuck in the end of eternal sunshine, as all of joel's memories are erased as he experiences them. as each scene tonight ends, it's like watching them dissolve into nothingness, never to be seen again. and by the end of the night, when the lights come up, nothing will remain of this experience.
yes, i'm a bit melancholy. no surprise there.
the show is gong well, other than some minor mishaps - glasses breaking, yogurt spilling, the like. feels like a good show to tape, which they are doing tonight. i'm in the middle of my act ii wilderness, waiting for "you and i" to start so i know to grab my jacket to go down and be menacing.
less than an hour left. of the show, anyway. then another 2-4 hours of strike. there was talk of doing shanghai mama's after the strike, but it closes at 3am and i fear we won't be done in time.
there it is, my cue. time to go manhandle some leading ladies for the last time.
_________________________
'tis now sunday, early evening. just woke from a much needed nap and am actively avoiding the stack of grading i need to work on tonight. much easier to avoid than my thoughts. woke this afternoon to this thought: i will never get to do this again. cmt chose 42nd street to excerpt, so last night truly was the end.
this is a mistake. i can't do this right now. 'twill benefit no one, especially me. i'll process some other time. will just make things worse if i do it now. need to find some other way to deal with dull ache inside (and yes, i know, i'm being melodramatic. sue me).
mother's day was lovely, though i felt bad for mom because i was so completely out of it today. will make up for it when she comes down to aveda to get her hair done - lunch, running around, that sort of thing. mistimed the drive and ended up about 30 minutes early, which let me take a quick nap before the rest of the fam arrived. abuelos was ok for a chain, though not nearly as good as jalepenos. queso was like melted velveeta, chicken tasted out of can, chips were a bit thin and greasy for my taste. but definitely am still full from lunch.
i had so many thoughts running through my head today on the drive to dayton and back, but of course none of them are readily accessible at the moment. or currently fit for consumption.
yeah, i'm going to go. this was a bad idea.
Æ
Tunes: x - home motel
i feel i am stuck in the end of eternal sunshine, as all of joel's memories are erased as he experiences them. as each scene tonight ends, it's like watching them dissolve into nothingness, never to be seen again. and by the end of the night, when the lights come up, nothing will remain of this experience.
yes, i'm a bit melancholy. no surprise there.
the show is gong well, other than some minor mishaps - glasses breaking, yogurt spilling, the like. feels like a good show to tape, which they are doing tonight. i'm in the middle of my act ii wilderness, waiting for "you and i" to start so i know to grab my jacket to go down and be menacing.
less than an hour left. of the show, anyway. then another 2-4 hours of strike. there was talk of doing shanghai mama's after the strike, but it closes at 3am and i fear we won't be done in time.
there it is, my cue. time to go manhandle some leading ladies for the last time.
_________________________
'tis now sunday, early evening. just woke from a much needed nap and am actively avoiding the stack of grading i need to work on tonight. much easier to avoid than my thoughts. woke this afternoon to this thought: i will never get to do this again. cmt chose 42nd street to excerpt, so last night truly was the end.
this is a mistake. i can't do this right now. 'twill benefit no one, especially me. i'll process some other time. will just make things worse if i do it now. need to find some other way to deal with dull ache inside (and yes, i know, i'm being melodramatic. sue me).
mother's day was lovely, though i felt bad for mom because i was so completely out of it today. will make up for it when she comes down to aveda to get her hair done - lunch, running around, that sort of thing. mistimed the drive and ended up about 30 minutes early, which let me take a quick nap before the rest of the fam arrived. abuelos was ok for a chain, though not nearly as good as jalepenos. queso was like melted velveeta, chicken tasted out of can, chips were a bit thin and greasy for my taste. but definitely am still full from lunch.
i had so many thoughts running through my head today on the drive to dayton and back, but of course none of them are readily accessible at the moment. or currently fit for consumption.
yeah, i'm going to go. this was a bad idea.
Æ
Tunes: x - home motel
Saturday, May 13, 2006
i can feel it coming in the air tonight
oh Lord....
less than six hours 'til the final curtain for chess. in some ways it already feels like it's ended. cast party was last night, filled with many meatballs, many drinks and many goodbyes. poor bartender (who definitely had a paul mitchell vibe going on) politely tried to get us to leave at 2:00 am - lights on, obnoxious music playing. but we didn't want to go. heck, uber-introvert that i am stayed until the bitter end (and, in the interest of full disclosure, i was a wee bit inebriated by the night's end - a tall long island and a shot of vodka and lime will do that to you). at least things shouldn't get maudlin tonight, since we have to tear down the set and get it loaded onto the truck before we can go home. looks like i'll see 3AM again tonight.
honestly, though, i'm glad we'll have the distraction tonight. 'twill keep me from pondering the end too much, keep me from desperately wanting to make some final connection before life pulls us apart, set to drift our separate paths. last couple of days have been far too manic-depressive for me. i know 90% of that is simply lack of sleep. still, it's been a battle of minimal proportions to keep my melancholy nature at bay. figures the time i most want/need to be social is the time i'm least equipped to.
and unfortunately, this also seems to be the prime time for me to come to my blog and whine about it. sorry about that.
this has been a wonderful experience. i am still in awe that i actually got to be a part of this production. not many people out there who can list chess on their resume. and while there are those who don't appreciate the musical (*cough* citybeat *hack*), i still think the concept is a good one. and i think our production was well imagined and well executed. not sure where it will rank in terms of my favorite productions - will need to let the sawdust settle a bit before i can make an unbiased evaluation. but it's definitely been worth all the effort - the hours of rehearsal, the self-induced emotional trauma (sadly documented elsewhere on this blog), the lack of sleep, the loss of social life (well, i suppose i can't blame that all on the musical...). at the end of the night, when the curtain comes down....well, the lights go off....when we meander of the stage, i know my life will be better than when i started this.
it's all about the experience. and the people.
enough for this afternoon. probably should go take a nap so i can stay up late tonight, work my tail off. and not think about the end...
Æ
Tunes: richard cheese - bullet the blue sky
less than six hours 'til the final curtain for chess. in some ways it already feels like it's ended. cast party was last night, filled with many meatballs, many drinks and many goodbyes. poor bartender (who definitely had a paul mitchell vibe going on) politely tried to get us to leave at 2:00 am - lights on, obnoxious music playing. but we didn't want to go. heck, uber-introvert that i am stayed until the bitter end (and, in the interest of full disclosure, i was a wee bit inebriated by the night's end - a tall long island and a shot of vodka and lime will do that to you). at least things shouldn't get maudlin tonight, since we have to tear down the set and get it loaded onto the truck before we can go home. looks like i'll see 3AM again tonight.
honestly, though, i'm glad we'll have the distraction tonight. 'twill keep me from pondering the end too much, keep me from desperately wanting to make some final connection before life pulls us apart, set to drift our separate paths. last couple of days have been far too manic-depressive for me. i know 90% of that is simply lack of sleep. still, it's been a battle of minimal proportions to keep my melancholy nature at bay. figures the time i most want/need to be social is the time i'm least equipped to.
and unfortunately, this also seems to be the prime time for me to come to my blog and whine about it. sorry about that.
this has been a wonderful experience. i am still in awe that i actually got to be a part of this production. not many people out there who can list chess on their resume. and while there are those who don't appreciate the musical (*cough* citybeat *hack*), i still think the concept is a good one. and i think our production was well imagined and well executed. not sure where it will rank in terms of my favorite productions - will need to let the sawdust settle a bit before i can make an unbiased evaluation. but it's definitely been worth all the effort - the hours of rehearsal, the self-induced emotional trauma (sadly documented elsewhere on this blog), the lack of sleep, the loss of social life (well, i suppose i can't blame that all on the musical...). at the end of the night, when the curtain comes down....well, the lights go off....when we meander of the stage, i know my life will be better than when i started this.
it's all about the experience. and the people.
enough for this afternoon. probably should go take a nap so i can stay up late tonight, work my tail off. and not think about the end...
Æ
Tunes: richard cheese - bullet the blue sky
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
long and productive day
30 minutes until the season finale of the gilmore girls. here's hoping it's good enough to last me through the summer, though i'm afraid they're going to do some cheesy cliffhanger that will merely make me angry. and with amy and daniel leaving next season, i don't know. i mean, i'm sure i'll watch, but....nah, let's be optimistic. it will all be fine. it will end well and not wander near that large shark pit just waiting off the coast....
i should be at house church, but i'm not. stayed home sick today from school - cough got the best of me. didn't feel like going and infecting people. and honestly, i've enjoyed this little break. perhaps i shouldn't admit that, but it's true. i love my church, i do, but sometimes taking a step away for a bit can help. i know it has me. i'll be jumping back in full force soon enough. and i know they'll still be there, which is helpful. and comforting. and comfortable.
and i'm rambling.
finished one bell of research papers today (what a way to ruin a sick day...) and 25% of another. need to keep on top of this and get them done soon - i actually think i'm ahead of where i was last trimester. of course with performances all weekend, my grading time will be severely limited. as will the desire to grade. i'm off to a good start - here's hoping i don't lose momentum.
i'm anxious to get back to the show. seriously. looking forward to being back tomorrow. nice to have the evenings off, but really, i love doing this show. hmmmm. CMT was supposed to decide which show they were going to excerpt - Chess of 42nd Street. wonder if not hearing anything is a sign....be great to have an opportunity to do part of the show again. at least it's out of my control, so no use worrying about it. right?
so not looking forward to thursday....have film club after school, which won't end until about 4:30. then i'll have to run home, jump in the shower, shave and get set for call by 6:000 pm. no rest for the wicked awesome.
anyone out there want/need tickets to richard iii performed by cincy shakes? i bought a subscription and find myself here at the end with extra tickets. i'm willing to make a good deal if anyone's interested. just e-mail me or post a comment or something for more details.
so i've discovered which dogs have been crapping in my yard - turns out to be two of them. both of them belong to direct neighbors, one a chihuahua looking thing and the other a german shepherd type mutt. going to see about getting some fencing and blocking off the gap i think both of them are using. felt a little bad - saw tennessee (the chihuahua) in my yard and ran to scare it off, only to have the neighbor say it belonged to them. awk with huge side of ward. they apologized, i tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though it has been bothering me. i mean, there are reasons i don't have a pet of my own...at least i don't have to go buy a paintball gun to try to figure out whose dog it is (just kidding...sort of).
ok, live from nowhere vol. 1 is done ripping and it's time for gg, so i'm done. we'll see what kind of time i have the rest of the week. here's hoping i find time here and there...
Æ
Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter
i should be at house church, but i'm not. stayed home sick today from school - cough got the best of me. didn't feel like going and infecting people. and honestly, i've enjoyed this little break. perhaps i shouldn't admit that, but it's true. i love my church, i do, but sometimes taking a step away for a bit can help. i know it has me. i'll be jumping back in full force soon enough. and i know they'll still be there, which is helpful. and comforting. and comfortable.
and i'm rambling.
finished one bell of research papers today (what a way to ruin a sick day...) and 25% of another. need to keep on top of this and get them done soon - i actually think i'm ahead of where i was last trimester. of course with performances all weekend, my grading time will be severely limited. as will the desire to grade. i'm off to a good start - here's hoping i don't lose momentum.
i'm anxious to get back to the show. seriously. looking forward to being back tomorrow. nice to have the evenings off, but really, i love doing this show. hmmmm. CMT was supposed to decide which show they were going to excerpt - Chess of 42nd Street. wonder if not hearing anything is a sign....be great to have an opportunity to do part of the show again. at least it's out of my control, so no use worrying about it. right?
so not looking forward to thursday....have film club after school, which won't end until about 4:30. then i'll have to run home, jump in the shower, shave and get set for call by 6:000 pm. no rest for the wicked awesome.
anyone out there want/need tickets to richard iii performed by cincy shakes? i bought a subscription and find myself here at the end with extra tickets. i'm willing to make a good deal if anyone's interested. just e-mail me or post a comment or something for more details.
so i've discovered which dogs have been crapping in my yard - turns out to be two of them. both of them belong to direct neighbors, one a chihuahua looking thing and the other a german shepherd type mutt. going to see about getting some fencing and blocking off the gap i think both of them are using. felt a little bad - saw tennessee (the chihuahua) in my yard and ran to scare it off, only to have the neighbor say it belonged to them. awk with huge side of ward. they apologized, i tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though it has been bothering me. i mean, there are reasons i don't have a pet of my own...at least i don't have to go buy a paintball gun to try to figure out whose dog it is (just kidding...sort of).
ok, live from nowhere vol. 1 is done ripping and it's time for gg, so i'm done. we'll see what kind of time i have the rest of the week. here's hoping i find time here and there...
Æ
Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter
Monday, May 08, 2006
perfect
have been coughing uncontrollably since last night. hard to sleep when your lung is trying to escape through your esophagus.
welcome to monday. only two more left in my school year. that's a thought to scatter away any shadows.
been sorting through metaphors, trying to explain this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment i have from doing the show. but nothing seems to fit. frustrating when words fail me. i stand back stage before the lights go down and the orchestra starts and this rush washes over me and i feel at home. like i belong. this is real, this moment, these hours on the stage. everything else fades away. i'm reminded of the quote by dana on sportsnight: "I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning." that's exactly what i feel.
i think if this was the only place i felt this way, i would be in need of serious therapy (not that i'm not anyway, but i'm just saying....). and i would definitely have to be doing this for a living. and it's one of those things that pushed me here from youth ministry. as secular and selfish as it may sound, my passion for theatre was withering away, dwindling to nothing. and i couldn't let that happen because it's not just a part of me - it is me. without it, i'm someone else.
and the scary thing is, next week at this time it will all be over. and i wonder how soon until i lose touch with these people who have grown to mean so much to me. was talking to rhonda tonight and mentioned i feel like i'm at the end of "the breakfast club," that come next monday, we'll leave the little group we formed over the past three months and we'll fall back into our "real" lives, walking through the halls like our saturday school never happened. doesn't have to be that way, but it's certainly the way of least resistance. will take effort to make it otherwise.
God give me strength to make it otherwise.
off to grab some cough syrup and some green tea so i can kick this what i hope is not bronchitis thing i have. . .
Æ
Tunes: new order - state of the nation
welcome to monday. only two more left in my school year. that's a thought to scatter away any shadows.
been sorting through metaphors, trying to explain this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment i have from doing the show. but nothing seems to fit. frustrating when words fail me. i stand back stage before the lights go down and the orchestra starts and this rush washes over me and i feel at home. like i belong. this is real, this moment, these hours on the stage. everything else fades away. i'm reminded of the quote by dana on sportsnight: "I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning." that's exactly what i feel.
i think if this was the only place i felt this way, i would be in need of serious therapy (not that i'm not anyway, but i'm just saying....). and i would definitely have to be doing this for a living. and it's one of those things that pushed me here from youth ministry. as secular and selfish as it may sound, my passion for theatre was withering away, dwindling to nothing. and i couldn't let that happen because it's not just a part of me - it is me. without it, i'm someone else.
and the scary thing is, next week at this time it will all be over. and i wonder how soon until i lose touch with these people who have grown to mean so much to me. was talking to rhonda tonight and mentioned i feel like i'm at the end of "the breakfast club," that come next monday, we'll leave the little group we formed over the past three months and we'll fall back into our "real" lives, walking through the halls like our saturday school never happened. doesn't have to be that way, but it's certainly the way of least resistance. will take effort to make it otherwise.
God give me strength to make it otherwise.
off to grab some cough syrup and some green tea so i can kick this what i hope is not bronchitis thing i have. . .
Æ
Tunes: new order - state of the nation
Sunday, May 07, 2006
opening weekend
made it. with (surprisingly) energy to spare. at least i'm awake enough at 10:22 to be typing up an entry. that has to be a good sign.
it's been, what, five years since my last musical, maybe six. my time with the mv players is a bit on the fuzzy side. i'd forgotten how much i missed it. the shows this weekend rocked. sure, we had our moments when focus was lost or lines were dropped or notes were missed. but seriously, we kicked major booty. i'm proud to say i'm a part of this show. i'm honored to work with these people. there's an intoxicating professionalism in the cast, energizing me and challenging me to do my best. it's not something always found in community theatre. i can see now why cmt is widely respected in the city. of course, it's probably spoiled me for other companies....
details...tough to pick out moments. of the three performances, today's, oddly enough, was probably strongest. i say oddly because sunday matinees tend to be on the unresponsive side. but a lot of community theatre people were in the audience (a side effect of having fourteen million shows running this weekend - it's the only time they could see the show) and their energy kickstarted ours. always interesting how important the audience is in theatre. we do need them to be a part of the process, otherwise the show is loses the magic that can occur.
i'm not capturing this weekend well. will try again tomorrow. but i have to say, i am so glad i'm getting this chance to do this show. i've had the most amazing time so far. and i'm trying to not let the fact that it will all be over in a week seep in just yet. going to be strange to come next week when i don't have rehearsal, when i won't be seeing the cast on a regular basis. but that's something for another day.
hopefully my thoughts will gel more tomorrow....
Ɔ
Tunes: the magnetic fields - you're my only home
it's been, what, five years since my last musical, maybe six. my time with the mv players is a bit on the fuzzy side. i'd forgotten how much i missed it. the shows this weekend rocked. sure, we had our moments when focus was lost or lines were dropped or notes were missed. but seriously, we kicked major booty. i'm proud to say i'm a part of this show. i'm honored to work with these people. there's an intoxicating professionalism in the cast, energizing me and challenging me to do my best. it's not something always found in community theatre. i can see now why cmt is widely respected in the city. of course, it's probably spoiled me for other companies....
details...tough to pick out moments. of the three performances, today's, oddly enough, was probably strongest. i say oddly because sunday matinees tend to be on the unresponsive side. but a lot of community theatre people were in the audience (a side effect of having fourteen million shows running this weekend - it's the only time they could see the show) and their energy kickstarted ours. always interesting how important the audience is in theatre. we do need them to be a part of the process, otherwise the show is loses the magic that can occur.
i'm not capturing this weekend well. will try again tomorrow. but i have to say, i am so glad i'm getting this chance to do this show. i've had the most amazing time so far. and i'm trying to not let the fact that it will all be over in a week seep in just yet. going to be strange to come next week when i don't have rehearsal, when i won't be seeing the cast on a regular basis. but that's something for another day.
hopefully my thoughts will gel more tomorrow....
Ɔ
Tunes: the magnetic fields - you're my only home
Thursday, May 04, 2006
damn you manner mode
quick hit at lunch....
woke up this morning. my first thought was, "it's much too bright in here." i looked at the clock.
7:11
worst. feeling. ever.
i knew immediately what had happened.
called ian. talked to andy. jumped in and out of the shower. threw on some clothes. grabbed my stuff. out the door. traffic slowed me way down. but i eventually made it mhs, parked and walked into the builiding.
7:45
not bad, considering it's a 20-25 minute drive with no traffic.
we won't talk about how fast i was going between fields ertel and the mason exit.
and now all i want is a nap.
Æ
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
journal time - students are writing about what famous person, alive or dead, they would like to have dinner with. some of their answers frighten me. i think the last time i did this, the most popular answer was jessica simpson, for both boys and girls.
i fear for our future sometimes.
this is going to be a tough day. i am mentally and physically exhausted with no signs of rest anywhere in the near future. can't even take a sick day because i need to be here for the next three days to grade their presentations. and no sleeping in until saturday. i think i can hold on until then.
but then you didn't come here to read about my physical well-being, did you?
first dress (minus makeup) was last night. rough would be a good way to describe it (i'll spare you more description). this transition to the aronoff has been trickier than i anticipated. so many details and the space is much different than i imagined. and with the wings open, it makes exits and entrances quite an adventure. i did a lot of standing around last night, watching from the wings to see some of the numbers. i know, bad form, but figured this would be the last time i could do that. will spend large stretches of time up in the dressing room - my set moving responsibilities are minimal. which, honestly, makes me a little sad. it's a wee bit of ego, a wee bit of just loving to be involved, a wee bit of wanting to be significant.
i know, i really need to get over it.
it's later now and the early morning fogginess has been replaced by a constant humming in the back of my head - effects of the 44oz diet pepsi this morning no doubt. get the feeling that may become the norm this week, especially if i make unwise choices, such as staying up to watch gilmore girls and veronica mars before going to bed. in my defense, though, i was wired again after rehearsal. and both episodes were definitely worth staying up for. GG was hilarious - much snappier dialogue, the characters felt right. i laughed out loud several times. and VM had an amazing line about a blonde girl in a hamster wheel (i'll have to rewatch and write it down). actually an excellent way to end an exhausting day.
though i stole from today to do it. hope i don't pay for it later. and by later i mean right now at school.
OK, need to post this. hopefully it goes through correctly. we'll see what happens. more later, perhaps.
Æ
Tunes: sound of students avoiding work
Monday, May 01, 2006
home by 11:00
whoda thunk it?
still, tonight was hellacious, with a capital H which rhymes with absolutely nothing whatsoever.
i'm off to bed, but wanted to stop by and say i'm still alive and am immersed in two different hells, tech week and grading. figure i might as well be completely stressed all at once, get it out of the way. plus, i prefer the tech stress - at least it's a pain with an end in sight. grading....i'd like to think it will have an effect on my students, but i know the majority look to see their grade and pass over the (helpful?) comments i took the time to write.
don't grade bitter, thurm.
speaking of bitter, i'm disappointed in the ticket sales for chess. let's just say it's not going well. seriously, this is going to be an amazing show and i'd like to take the "hey, their loss if they don't see it" attitude, but t'would break my heart to play to seats half full, not because i want everyone to see me, but because i honestly believe this is a great show. i know i'm going to have a great time doing it. i just want others to have a great time watching it.
off my soapbox.
must go to bed. little wound up from rehearsal, though. need to put my brain into neutral a bit before i try to go to sleep, otherwise i'll lie there frustrated that i cannot fall asleep. bad way to start my trip into dreamland.
see you in my dreams (but only if i'm lucky)...
Æ
Tunes: rammstein - ich will (no, i am not making that up)
still, tonight was hellacious, with a capital H which rhymes with absolutely nothing whatsoever.
i'm off to bed, but wanted to stop by and say i'm still alive and am immersed in two different hells, tech week and grading. figure i might as well be completely stressed all at once, get it out of the way. plus, i prefer the tech stress - at least it's a pain with an end in sight. grading....i'd like to think it will have an effect on my students, but i know the majority look to see their grade and pass over the (helpful?) comments i took the time to write.
don't grade bitter, thurm.
speaking of bitter, i'm disappointed in the ticket sales for chess. let's just say it's not going well. seriously, this is going to be an amazing show and i'd like to take the "hey, their loss if they don't see it" attitude, but t'would break my heart to play to seats half full, not because i want everyone to see me, but because i honestly believe this is a great show. i know i'm going to have a great time doing it. i just want others to have a great time watching it.
off my soapbox.
must go to bed. little wound up from rehearsal, though. need to put my brain into neutral a bit before i try to go to sleep, otherwise i'll lie there frustrated that i cannot fall asleep. bad way to start my trip into dreamland.
see you in my dreams (but only if i'm lucky)...
Æ
Tunes: rammstein - ich will (no, i am not making that up)
Saturday, April 29, 2006
mistress
sleep beckons and i must go
she comes so rarely any more
i dare not turn her aside
lest she leave me forever
i pray tonight we'll lie locked
in a night time's embrace
where i will lose myself in her
restful ecstasy
and watch her disappear far too soon
with the coming dawn
Æ
Tunes: eisley - brightly wound
she comes so rarely any more
i dare not turn her aside
lest she leave me forever
i pray tonight we'll lie locked
in a night time's embrace
where i will lose myself in her
restful ecstasy
and watch her disappear far too soon
with the coming dawn
Æ
Tunes: eisley - brightly wound
Friday, April 28, 2006
gather ye thoughts, while ye may
how i am still conscious, i have no idea.
L-O-N-G day. and not the last over the next couple of weeks. time for my life to spiral near the edge of control and threaten to topple over. while, hopefully, never quite falling. we'll see.
final rehearsal before we load into the aronoff. couldn't have been more chaotic. first, we get news sarah erwin had fallen down the stairs, twisted an ankle. ended up in urgent care. then, two scenes in, matt was moving one of our behemoth set pieces and got tangled in a dangling fluorescent light, which proceeded to swing down, strike him on the head and shatter. he had to go to the hospital (we later found out he had a minor concussion). so not a great start. lots of little weird things happened - odd scenes, actors disappearing, musicians walking out, dropped lines (myself included - how can i only have three lines and screw up? weak weak weak). but we muddled on through. and in about ten hours we'll be back to load the truck up. here's hoping we get a good crowd so it doesn't take all day....
we've been reading "The Bet" by Anton Chekhov in class this week. wow. i love this story. my short story unit is all about choice, but i had to make sure they all read this one (or at least were required to read it - i can't force them to read). if you've never read it, take the time. amazing piece of work. and the great thing is, i think my students get it. at least some of them. actually enjoyed reading their homework - how often does that happen?
23 days.
vernon, my neighbor, came by to point out some work i needed to do on my house. at first i got a little defensive. why do we (i) do that? most of it was stuff i knew - dead limbs are dangerous, gutters really need to be cleaned out. but how wonderful to have neighbors that actually talk to you. and want to help. and watch out for you. it's one of the reasons i live here, in this neighborhood. my heart yearns for community. glad to see there are still places where it exists.
i so want to be tired. but i'm not. trying to decide which will put me into sleep mode faster - lying in bed reading or sitting in my comfy chair watching seinfeld. decisions decisions. too bad i'm not The Decider like our beloved leader.
seriously, could this administration get any more ridiculous? oh wait, they just hired someone from fox news. never mind.
at least it makes for great television - on the daily show/colbert report anyway.
enough for now. think i'm going to go with the seinfeld. almost to the end of the season. need to finish so i can move on to x-files. or maybe nx. again with the decisions.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (live cornerstone 2000)
L-O-N-G day. and not the last over the next couple of weeks. time for my life to spiral near the edge of control and threaten to topple over. while, hopefully, never quite falling. we'll see.
final rehearsal before we load into the aronoff. couldn't have been more chaotic. first, we get news sarah erwin had fallen down the stairs, twisted an ankle. ended up in urgent care. then, two scenes in, matt was moving one of our behemoth set pieces and got tangled in a dangling fluorescent light, which proceeded to swing down, strike him on the head and shatter. he had to go to the hospital (we later found out he had a minor concussion). so not a great start. lots of little weird things happened - odd scenes, actors disappearing, musicians walking out, dropped lines (myself included - how can i only have three lines and screw up? weak weak weak). but we muddled on through. and in about ten hours we'll be back to load the truck up. here's hoping we get a good crowd so it doesn't take all day....
we've been reading "The Bet" by Anton Chekhov in class this week. wow. i love this story. my short story unit is all about choice, but i had to make sure they all read this one (or at least were required to read it - i can't force them to read). if you've never read it, take the time. amazing piece of work. and the great thing is, i think my students get it. at least some of them. actually enjoyed reading their homework - how often does that happen?
23 days.
vernon, my neighbor, came by to point out some work i needed to do on my house. at first i got a little defensive. why do we (i) do that? most of it was stuff i knew - dead limbs are dangerous, gutters really need to be cleaned out. but how wonderful to have neighbors that actually talk to you. and want to help. and watch out for you. it's one of the reasons i live here, in this neighborhood. my heart yearns for community. glad to see there are still places where it exists.
i so want to be tired. but i'm not. trying to decide which will put me into sleep mode faster - lying in bed reading or sitting in my comfy chair watching seinfeld. decisions decisions. too bad i'm not The Decider like our beloved leader.
seriously, could this administration get any more ridiculous? oh wait, they just hired someone from fox news. never mind.
at least it makes for great television - on the daily show/colbert report anyway.
enough for now. think i'm going to go with the seinfeld. almost to the end of the season. need to finish so i can move on to x-files. or maybe nx. again with the decisions.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (live cornerstone 2000)
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
and the days slide on by
less than ten days until CHESS opens. hence my absence.
just returned from a rehearsal at the warehouse. always tricky - tough to hear, no where to hang during down time. i did find a little corner and a table so i could do some grading, which, given the conditions, i was glad to get done what i got done. this class has been better than the one before - actually had some A papers, unlike the first class. yikes. so many problems, i wouldn't know where to start. wish i could spend more time with them, but unfortunately, the schedule doesn't allow for that.
and i don't want to spend my time talking about that.
let's see....weekend went well. got to see everyone, albeit for far shorter than i would like. didn't end up getting out of rehearsal until 9:45 PM - so much for the hope that i'd get on the road by 8:30. so didn't hit fredericktown until around midnight. and then ended up staying up and talking to steve and angela until nearly 3AM. probably not the wisest of decisions, but was great to see them again. be good to see them in about a week - their coming down for the show and to finally see my house. guess that means i should do some cleaning. when that might happen is anyone's guess.
found out lauri's moving to NJ this summer - was hired at monmouth university. great news for her - sounds like a perfect position. plus, i'll have another friend in the nyc area for those occasional trips there - won't have to abuse anne's hospitality. speaking of which, i need to begin looking into a trip there in june to see doug's reading. been a while since i was there - will be good to go back.
good to catch up with everyone. jenna was a bit stressed, naturally, what with the play and her grandmother having to go into the hospital (who knew a urinary tract infection could wreak havoc on one's ability to form coherent sentences?). the play was...well, let's just say it was an off night for the cast. 2/3 of them definitely had talent - and they certainly covered their error well for high school students. only noticeable in the drop in energy and focus. you could tell they felt bad afterwards - think all of us who have done theatre have been there.
you know, i knew the story of steel magnolias, so i should have been prepared for the final scene, but it still caught me off guard. couldn't help thinking about chad and the echoes of my own thoughts voiced through m'lynn. left me a bit out of sorts. can't imagine how jenna dealt with it with all that's going on with her grandmother (wow, a lot of withs in that sentence).
did get in touch with jen, so drove down and spent part of saturday afternoon seeing her and seeing her house. much different than the picture in my head. lovely house. and she has a pool, which sounds great, but i imagine the upkeep is a bit on the annoying side. made me see how much work i actually need to do on my house. but good to know it can be done...
back at school. i've got nothing to share at this point.
great night at house church last night. lots of new friends there and a great discussion of the story in mark where Jesus calms the storm. i'm sure Jesus would chastise me, too, but i can't help feeling for the disciples. i probably would have been a bit frustrated if i thought the boat was about to go down and the person i trusted just seemed to be sleeping and not caring. i know it's perspective and it's hard to see the big picture when you're worried about the water rising above your head. but it's so hard to reach that place of trust. especially when the rains are blinding you. and you're trying to solve the problem on your own....
gina hits the 'wood on friday. will try and help her tomorrow, since we have a respite from rehearsal. need to mow my lawn, but with film club tomorrow (lords of dogtown), i may not have time. i'm such a bad neighbor.
25 more days of school. not that i'm counting....
i imagine my updating will be sporadic at best for a while, with CHESS and the end of school and grading yada yada yada. but i'll try to stop in every now and then, let you know i haven't gone off the deep end (though some might argue that's already happened...).
night.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - left of center
just returned from a rehearsal at the warehouse. always tricky - tough to hear, no where to hang during down time. i did find a little corner and a table so i could do some grading, which, given the conditions, i was glad to get done what i got done. this class has been better than the one before - actually had some A papers, unlike the first class. yikes. so many problems, i wouldn't know where to start. wish i could spend more time with them, but unfortunately, the schedule doesn't allow for that.
and i don't want to spend my time talking about that.
let's see....weekend went well. got to see everyone, albeit for far shorter than i would like. didn't end up getting out of rehearsal until 9:45 PM - so much for the hope that i'd get on the road by 8:30. so didn't hit fredericktown until around midnight. and then ended up staying up and talking to steve and angela until nearly 3AM. probably not the wisest of decisions, but was great to see them again. be good to see them in about a week - their coming down for the show and to finally see my house. guess that means i should do some cleaning. when that might happen is anyone's guess.
found out lauri's moving to NJ this summer - was hired at monmouth university. great news for her - sounds like a perfect position. plus, i'll have another friend in the nyc area for those occasional trips there - won't have to abuse anne's hospitality. speaking of which, i need to begin looking into a trip there in june to see doug's reading. been a while since i was there - will be good to go back.
good to catch up with everyone. jenna was a bit stressed, naturally, what with the play and her grandmother having to go into the hospital (who knew a urinary tract infection could wreak havoc on one's ability to form coherent sentences?). the play was...well, let's just say it was an off night for the cast. 2/3 of them definitely had talent - and they certainly covered their error well for high school students. only noticeable in the drop in energy and focus. you could tell they felt bad afterwards - think all of us who have done theatre have been there.
you know, i knew the story of steel magnolias, so i should have been prepared for the final scene, but it still caught me off guard. couldn't help thinking about chad and the echoes of my own thoughts voiced through m'lynn. left me a bit out of sorts. can't imagine how jenna dealt with it with all that's going on with her grandmother (wow, a lot of withs in that sentence).
did get in touch with jen, so drove down and spent part of saturday afternoon seeing her and seeing her house. much different than the picture in my head. lovely house. and she has a pool, which sounds great, but i imagine the upkeep is a bit on the annoying side. made me see how much work i actually need to do on my house. but good to know it can be done...
back at school. i've got nothing to share at this point.
great night at house church last night. lots of new friends there and a great discussion of the story in mark where Jesus calms the storm. i'm sure Jesus would chastise me, too, but i can't help feeling for the disciples. i probably would have been a bit frustrated if i thought the boat was about to go down and the person i trusted just seemed to be sleeping and not caring. i know it's perspective and it's hard to see the big picture when you're worried about the water rising above your head. but it's so hard to reach that place of trust. especially when the rains are blinding you. and you're trying to solve the problem on your own....
gina hits the 'wood on friday. will try and help her tomorrow, since we have a respite from rehearsal. need to mow my lawn, but with film club tomorrow (lords of dogtown), i may not have time. i'm such a bad neighbor.
25 more days of school. not that i'm counting....
i imagine my updating will be sporadic at best for a while, with CHESS and the end of school and grading yada yada yada. but i'll try to stop in every now and then, let you know i haven't gone off the deep end (though some might argue that's already happened...).
night.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - left of center
Friday, April 21, 2006
the end is near
last real day of break. sure, i have this weekend, but i always have the weekends, so this is the last "school day" off. sad. been relaxing break. and i did get some things accomplished - yes, the great kitchen faucet nightmare has finally ended. replaced the supply line yesterday and so far, no leaks. also got my porch swing up. not as comfortable as i might have hoped, but it looks great, so that's half the battle, right? finished laundry, got the downstairs mostly cleaned up. now if i could just do the same for the upstairs....
last night reminded me again of why i don't drink much. seriously, i am the most depressing drunk ever. alcohol does not release the fun-loving me from captivity like it does so many others. no, i tend to curl up into a fetal position and ponder the world, leaving those around me to wonder what is wrong. nothing, other than i can't hold my liquor. or something like that. felt like a bit of a wet blanket and an uber-wallflower last night at mary's. i stayed around because i was going to sing "never tear us apart," but by the time they called my name, one, i didn't hear it and two, i was in no state of mind to sing. *sigh* this melancholy introvert thing can get old really quickly....
leaving for kent....hmmm. not sure exactly. we have rehearsal tonight at 7:30, but just book scenes, so hopefully it will go quickly. going to call steve, see what he thinks. if he doesn't mind a quick flyby tonight, i think i would prefer to do that. otherwise i'll be getting up at 5:00 AM to get up to kent in time. that appeals to me not at all. am looking foward to reconnection - will get to see almost everyone, though i haven't heard from jen at all. may try one more call, but she's an elusive friend.
having lunch, i think, with kevin. need to call him, figure out what we're doing. planned on making plans at morning prayers but alas, i lost the fight with my pillow (not that there was much of a struggle). and not wanting to procrastinate any more, i just called and we're doing lunch at andy's mediterranean. mmmmmm. excellent idea. you're all jealous, i know.
disappointed that i didn't ride at all this week. guess there's still time this afternoon, but it's a wee bit on the chilly side today. not a major problem (and probably better for me anyway so i don't have to sweat profusely), but does put a damper on the motivation. of course, if i don't do that, i have no plans for the afternoon and i would prefer not to spend it napping, which has been a pattern this week. i love me my naps, but would prefer to, oh, i don't know, actually do something.
confession: i want to see friends with money. i know, i know, it will destroy my elitist cred. but oh my the eye candy. joan, catherine, jennifer and frances? geesh. i'll be in heaven for 88 minutes.
dontcha love it when i'm shallow?
which is pretty much all the time.
guess i ought to shower or some such. maybe straighten up my office a bit. get stuff together for my trip. one final hurrah before it's back to school for five weeks. we won't talk about the stack of essays that lie unmolested in the corner.....
Æ
Tunes: martin sexton - candy
last night reminded me again of why i don't drink much. seriously, i am the most depressing drunk ever. alcohol does not release the fun-loving me from captivity like it does so many others. no, i tend to curl up into a fetal position and ponder the world, leaving those around me to wonder what is wrong. nothing, other than i can't hold my liquor. or something like that. felt like a bit of a wet blanket and an uber-wallflower last night at mary's. i stayed around because i was going to sing "never tear us apart," but by the time they called my name, one, i didn't hear it and two, i was in no state of mind to sing. *sigh* this melancholy introvert thing can get old really quickly....
leaving for kent....hmmm. not sure exactly. we have rehearsal tonight at 7:30, but just book scenes, so hopefully it will go quickly. going to call steve, see what he thinks. if he doesn't mind a quick flyby tonight, i think i would prefer to do that. otherwise i'll be getting up at 5:00 AM to get up to kent in time. that appeals to me not at all. am looking foward to reconnection - will get to see almost everyone, though i haven't heard from jen at all. may try one more call, but she's an elusive friend.
having lunch, i think, with kevin. need to call him, figure out what we're doing. planned on making plans at morning prayers but alas, i lost the fight with my pillow (not that there was much of a struggle). and not wanting to procrastinate any more, i just called and we're doing lunch at andy's mediterranean. mmmmmm. excellent idea. you're all jealous, i know.
disappointed that i didn't ride at all this week. guess there's still time this afternoon, but it's a wee bit on the chilly side today. not a major problem (and probably better for me anyway so i don't have to sweat profusely), but does put a damper on the motivation. of course, if i don't do that, i have no plans for the afternoon and i would prefer not to spend it napping, which has been a pattern this week. i love me my naps, but would prefer to, oh, i don't know, actually do something.
confession: i want to see friends with money. i know, i know, it will destroy my elitist cred. but oh my the eye candy. joan, catherine, jennifer and frances? geesh. i'll be in heaven for 88 minutes.
dontcha love it when i'm shallow?
which is pretty much all the time.
guess i ought to shower or some such. maybe straighten up my office a bit. get stuff together for my trip. one final hurrah before it's back to school for five weeks. we won't talk about the stack of essays that lie unmolested in the corner.....
Æ
Tunes: martin sexton - candy
Thursday, April 20, 2006
the difference a year makes
how can something i didn't even own a year ago completely screw up my afternoon when i think i've lost it? yesterday afternoon was completely disheartening - went to get my hair cut (well, thinned since i need to leave it long for chess - but i certainly don't need the fro look) and realized my phone wasn't in my pocket. looked around aveda - no luck. then around the outside of my car. nada. inside. zip. asked in a couple of the surrounding stores. no one had turned in a phone. so i drove home. looked in my office. my bedroom. my entertainment room. nothing. nothing. nothing. so despondent, i couldn't get up the energy to do anything. so i took a nap, while thoughts of what in the world do you do when your phone disappears scurried about my head. do i call verizon? do i keep calling it in hopes that the person that has it will pick it up? and how do i do that without a landline? grrrr. so after a restless nap, i awoke to nature's call. walked into the bathroom. and there, lying in my tissue box was my phone. i'm sure i had an excellent reason for taking it out of my pocket and laying it there. and i just had to laugh.
yes yes, i know, i need professional help.
day six of my kitchen faucet fiasco. looks to be leaking from the line, not from the faucet, which is strange because i didn't touch the line where it is leaking. going to lowes this morning to see if they can help. need to get a new line and hopefully some advice on how to stop the leak. really don't want to call a plumber, though at this point it might be best to just get it fixed, no matter the cost (though i can't imagine it would actually be worth it once i get the bill - i've heard about plumber's rates - cheaper just to get a prostitute....).
did get my porch swing together and hanging, though i have to pick up a drill bit at lowes while i'm there to put on the final piece. looks good on the porch. now i just need to find some other seating, otherwise it will just be me sitting alone on my porch, which seems a bit sad.
kevin asked yesterday if chess was something he could bring izaac to. hmmm. don't think it qualifies as PG-13, mostly because we drop the f-bomb a bit much. and then there's bangkok, which might be a bit much for impressionable minds. hmmm. maybe i ought to just give him the script, let him figure it out for himself. not sure i would actually call it R rated, but there certainly are moments. it is a rock musical after all, not rodgers and hammerstein....
ok, need to go. think i'm going to do breakfast at ihop, then run to lowes and hopefully wrap up my kitchen problems and my porch swing in time to get out to salvation army and hopefully ride my bike before rehearsal tonight. bleah - going to work on "book" scenes friday, which means me. so much for leaving friday night for kent. going to be an early morning saturday....
Æ
Tunes: new order - true faith
yes yes, i know, i need professional help.
day six of my kitchen faucet fiasco. looks to be leaking from the line, not from the faucet, which is strange because i didn't touch the line where it is leaking. going to lowes this morning to see if they can help. need to get a new line and hopefully some advice on how to stop the leak. really don't want to call a plumber, though at this point it might be best to just get it fixed, no matter the cost (though i can't imagine it would actually be worth it once i get the bill - i've heard about plumber's rates - cheaper just to get a prostitute....).
did get my porch swing together and hanging, though i have to pick up a drill bit at lowes while i'm there to put on the final piece. looks good on the porch. now i just need to find some other seating, otherwise it will just be me sitting alone on my porch, which seems a bit sad.
kevin asked yesterday if chess was something he could bring izaac to. hmmm. don't think it qualifies as PG-13, mostly because we drop the f-bomb a bit much. and then there's bangkok, which might be a bit much for impressionable minds. hmmm. maybe i ought to just give him the script, let him figure it out for himself. not sure i would actually call it R rated, but there certainly are moments. it is a rock musical after all, not rodgers and hammerstein....
ok, need to go. think i'm going to do breakfast at ihop, then run to lowes and hopefully wrap up my kitchen problems and my porch swing in time to get out to salvation army and hopefully ride my bike before rehearsal tonight. bleah - going to work on "book" scenes friday, which means me. so much for leaving friday night for kent. going to be an early morning saturday....
Æ
Tunes: new order - true faith
Monday, April 17, 2006
chess rehearsal - act I
i do a lot of sitting round in this act. eighteen days until we open. not much time to go.
day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.
hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.
one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.
been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.
finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.
damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.
at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ
Tunes: king's x - believe
day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.
hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.
one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.
been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.
I am an affectionate man but I have much trouble showing it.rereading has rekindled anew my desire (need?) to stage the adaptation i wrote, what, six/seven years ago? geesh. i wait too long, i won't be able to play scout. think i need to put a call out, see if i can pull a cast together. and a crew. and see if we could do it in st. e's. worry about when later.
When I was younger I used to worry so much about being alone - of being unlovable or incapable of love. As the years went on, my worries changed. I worried that I had become incapable of having a relationship, of offering intimacy...
Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting, the fears I thought I had buried forever...
fear of loneliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable.
For so many years I lived a life of solitude and I thought life was fine. But I knew that unless I explored intimacy and shared intimacy with someone else then life would never progress beyond a certain point. I remember thinking that unless I knew what was going on inside someone else's head other than my own I was going to explode.
finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.
damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.
at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ
Tunes: king's x - believe
i love a rainy night
really thurm? eddie rabbit?
lovely thunderstorm outside my windows at the moment. sounds like water is running freely through my house. here's hoping it just sounds that way.
didn't quite make it in time to blog on easter, but need to say: Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
missed that in our service this morning (though i did get to share it with leslie).
just returned from the southgate house - rosie thomas played there tonight. her song "wedding day" has been a favorite of mine for the past several years, so i was excited to see she was playing. and it was free - can't beat that. her band had all of their stuff stolen in philadelphia friday night, so they had a makeshift set up, which for the size of the room and her material really was quite perfect. she didn't play long, maybe just over an hour, but was a great set. she has a carefree air about her and her banter between songs was quite amusing. the difference between her speaking voice and her singing voice is a bit shocking - not as drastic as jim neighbors, but not too far off. a great way to end easter weekend and ease into spring break.
i need to sit down, make a list of things i need to do this week. i had intended to post last night about my first successful home improvement (painting excluded, of course). installed a new kitchen faucet with a sprayer, something i'd been wanting to do. was so proud of myself - got the old one out, put the new one in and everything worked. unfortunately, i didn't do everything exactly right as there was water under the sink this morning. i believe i know what the problem is - they forgot to include a couple of washers i needed - but still a bit sad to see i wasn't quite the handyman i thought i was. oh well. easily fixed. i hope.
had planned to head into school tomorrow to help with the sets for seussical, but i have too much i have to get done around the house. plus, tutoring is tomorrow afternoon. and rehearsal tomorrow night. so sticking around here will be a better option. if the weather cooperates, i may try and set up the new porch swing i bought. hope i bought the right one.
easter felt a bit anti-climatic to me. couldn't focus during worship. so much changed over lent, i suppose i shouldn't be surprised to have felt this way. seems so long ago that i began the journey toward easter and my own experiment with silence. seems so long ago since we had to say goodbye to chad. much longer than 40 days.
i should not be so melancholy on so joyous a day.
i am so hungry, but i have no groceries. that's on the list for this week. wanted to stop by taco bell, but of course it was closed. grrrr. think i have some soup downstairs i could eat, but i really don't want to fix anything because, well, my kitchen faucet doesn't work....
to bed. prayers will be here in a matter of hours. and it's always beautiful to fall asleep to the rain. until tomorrow (well, later today).
Æ
Tunes: rosie thomas - i run
lovely thunderstorm outside my windows at the moment. sounds like water is running freely through my house. here's hoping it just sounds that way.
didn't quite make it in time to blog on easter, but need to say: Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
missed that in our service this morning (though i did get to share it with leslie).
just returned from the southgate house - rosie thomas played there tonight. her song "wedding day" has been a favorite of mine for the past several years, so i was excited to see she was playing. and it was free - can't beat that. her band had all of their stuff stolen in philadelphia friday night, so they had a makeshift set up, which for the size of the room and her material really was quite perfect. she didn't play long, maybe just over an hour, but was a great set. she has a carefree air about her and her banter between songs was quite amusing. the difference between her speaking voice and her singing voice is a bit shocking - not as drastic as jim neighbors, but not too far off. a great way to end easter weekend and ease into spring break.
i need to sit down, make a list of things i need to do this week. i had intended to post last night about my first successful home improvement (painting excluded, of course). installed a new kitchen faucet with a sprayer, something i'd been wanting to do. was so proud of myself - got the old one out, put the new one in and everything worked. unfortunately, i didn't do everything exactly right as there was water under the sink this morning. i believe i know what the problem is - they forgot to include a couple of washers i needed - but still a bit sad to see i wasn't quite the handyman i thought i was. oh well. easily fixed. i hope.
had planned to head into school tomorrow to help with the sets for seussical, but i have too much i have to get done around the house. plus, tutoring is tomorrow afternoon. and rehearsal tomorrow night. so sticking around here will be a better option. if the weather cooperates, i may try and set up the new porch swing i bought. hope i bought the right one.
easter felt a bit anti-climatic to me. couldn't focus during worship. so much changed over lent, i suppose i shouldn't be surprised to have felt this way. seems so long ago that i began the journey toward easter and my own experiment with silence. seems so long ago since we had to say goodbye to chad. much longer than 40 days.
i should not be so melancholy on so joyous a day.
i am so hungry, but i have no groceries. that's on the list for this week. wanted to stop by taco bell, but of course it was closed. grrrr. think i have some soup downstairs i could eat, but i really don't want to fix anything because, well, my kitchen faucet doesn't work....
to bed. prayers will be here in a matter of hours. and it's always beautiful to fall asleep to the rain. until tomorrow (well, later today).
Æ
Tunes: rosie thomas - i run
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