here is what I don't understand

I really don't want to belabor this point, but here it is, nearly one in the morning and I am more awake now than I am in the middle of the day. I took no nap today, I had no caffeine, yet once again I sit here knowing I should be heading to the land of slumber, but not particularly excited about staring into the darkness for another hour or so. Machines haven't helped, neither have drugs, neither has advice. And in two weeks' time it becomes vital I'm in bed before 11:00. I'm not giving up hope yet, but I am getting a little....tired of this.

Last day of self-imposed recovery. No more lying around doing little tomorrow (he says, knowing full well he'll probably do plenty of lying around tomorrow). Up early for prayers, off to Tire Discounters to get my tire looked at and my brakes checked and anything else they can help me with. Hoping if I get there early I won't have to wait too long, but we'll see. Need to be out by 11 so I can go hear Jake Speed down at Piatt Park. Free show. How could I not go? Then to the store to pick up salad for house church and home to clean up before the gang gets here. And I need to try and get details together for this weekend's King's X/Extreme excursion so I can e-mail everyone that expressed interest. Sometime soon I probably should think about cleaning up the downed limbs in my back yard from the storm we had while I was in Colorado.

Sometimes I think I blog just so I have a list of things to do the next day.

Drove up to Dayton Sunday to see dad in the hospital - he'd been experiencing some pain in his stomach while I was in Colorado and then was home when I returned, then went back into the hospital Friday and they did surgery on Saturday. I'll probably screw this up, but had something to do with a hernia and his lower intestine and some petrified vegetable matter clogging up the works. So they went in, fixed the hernia, took out the affected area and reattached the intestine. Sounds fun, no? He had a fever Sunday morning, but by the time I got there, it had gone down and he was doing well. He was a bit on the grumpy side and I can definitely see where I get my aversion to visitors when I'm sick. He'll be in for a few more days, until they're sure everything is flowing smoothly. Was supposed to start fruit juice today, but I guess he wasn't ready, so it will be tomorrow. Doctor said nothing was normal inside - my mom said she could have told them that without opening him up. My mom, the comedian.

Pop culture watch: I tried watching Mad Men tonight since everyone's been raving. None too impressed with the season premiere. Have another episode DVR'd, but not sure it's my kind of show. Am now through season six of The West Wing - I stopped watching during its initial run in season five once Sorkin left. Been fun catching up. I've decided I'm Toby, without the hot ex-wife. I worried a bit it was going to end up over-dramatic like ER with Wells taking over, but while there is some of that (how miserable can we make our favorite characters?), the writing hasn't been too bad. Not Sorkin, for sure, but at times Sorkinesque. Not sure I'll get through season seven by the time school starts and not sure I should. Summer's almost over and I should be outside. But it was good to have them while I recuperated from surgery. And much better than the real-life politics going on nowadays.

Oh yeah, the surgery went well, by the way, other than some minor weeping around one of the constellation of incisions on my midsection. Little bit of panic following surgery when the doctor asked who would be staying with me overnight. I kind of lied and told him Andy, who picked me up, would be with me. See, this seems to be something you should tell someone before surgery, not after. Not all of us live in normal households with other human beings. But all went well with no complications at all. My follow up with the doctor is on Thursday afternoon, so hopefully this will end my organ donation for quite a while. I did get more pics - Leah suggested I should post them for all to see. Or maybe I could frame them and hang them on my walls, kind of like people do with their kids.

I worry about me sometimes.

Gee, so much for typing making me tired enough to sleep. And I don't even have anything to rant and rave about this time. I did post the stuff I wrote on my trip, so you can go back and see what randomness went through my head on my vacation. No pics - that will have to come later. Maybe with my gall bladder shots. You can barely contain your excitement, I'm sure.

Time to at least try to sleep. Maybe reading will help me fall asleep - in the middle of Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go, recommended by Jenna to go along with my adventures in organ "donation." Such a clever girl that one. To bed, to bed, to bed.
Æ

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vacation's over - time for surgery!

it seems my blog has been having an averse effect on some people, so i put a warning up. just trying to be a conscientious blogger.

leaving in about an hour for the hospital to have another useless organ removed, this time by choice. say goodbye to my gall bladder - we hardly knew ye (except for those moments you caused us excruciating pain).

stuck in a post-vacation hangover - will have to wait to update my blog for this weekend when i'm recovering. but my vacation was amazing, thanks to the great hospitality of alexa and ryan and shannon and paul. i couldn't imagine having a better time. i got to do everything i wanted and then some. stories to follow, as well as some pics.

be back soon!
Æ

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Somewhere over a bunch of red states....

Joy! I'm in a row by myself - the businessman assigned to the seat next to me moved to an empty row. I was toying with the same, but being by the window made it a bit trickier to offer. Amazing how much better a trip can be when you can cross your legs.

E-mail from Brenda today - seems she might be in Cincy end of August and we're going to try and do dinner. She said we'd try and avoid talking about remarriage and divorce, though she did read my post and said I made a persuasive argument. Me, I'm still dealing with my own recent doubts. I wonder what love requires. Brent boiled it down to John 3:16 and love, which raises more questions in my head than it answers. What is the most loving action? Does love mean we can ignore the teachings of Christ? How do we determine if it's God's love or our own desires? We humans can rationalize anything - I know I don't trust myself to know what is most loving in a given situation. I'm more likely to go with my will than God's. Which I suppose is why I'm trying to sort this out now, relying on "religious dogma," instead of waiting until a situation arises.

Or maybe I'm just in avoidance mode.

The sun sets behind me and along with it my journey west. Was tough to leave - though I am looking forward to my own bed, I can't say I'm excited to be coming back to Ohio, with its heat and humidity and bugs and lack of mountains. I wonder how different life would be if I'd ended up in Colorado for grad school. Perhaps I'd have ended up back in Ohio anyway. I think part of my heart will always long to be in the mountains. They heal me and cleanse me in ways I do not understand. I know God can do the same in Ohio - I need to find those spaces. And I need to use them.

Will be interesting to see how sleep goes when I get back. Toward the end I was sleeping seven hours a night, give or take. Of course, I was on mountain time, so I was going to bed at 2-3 AM normal time some nights. Hard to believe I've only a couple weeks to get my act together. Where did my summer break go?

Still, lots to do before the 18th - gall bladder surgery, MST3K party, King's X/Extreme concert, trip to Kent, plus house church and flash fiction and as many activities as I can jam into my remaining time. Have to say though - this trip to Colorado certainly pushed this summer over the memorable edge. Glad I did it. thankful for friends who are willing to let me crash their lives for days at a time. Couldn't have asked for better hosts.

Another hour, hour and a half before we land. Think I'll try to read some and maybe drift off to sleep. Jen and James are supposed to pick me up - dad's still in the hospital. Hope they figure out what's wrong with him soon. He ate yesterday, which is a good sign. Night.
Æ

Denver Airport - Third and final time

No idea if this flight will be packed, but it probably will be. Timing's been good - got to the airport, ate a quick bite, moved smoothly through the security theatre, grabbed a Snickers for the flight, emptied my bladder and now am waiting to board. Should have started by now, but no such luck.

Ah, I wrote too soon. There's the announcement to board. More on the plane.
Æ

the last day

Last day in Colorado. I'm sitting in the Old Colorado City Library, killing some time before Paul comes to pick me up. And I just decided I can do this outside. And I just got a call from Paul, so this will be a short burst.

Yesterday, I rented a bike at a little place called Colorado Kite and Ski in Old Colorado City, which is why I'm here today, returning it. If you ever find yourself in need of a bike, I highly recommend the place - cheapest rate in town and they were willing to work with me so I could keep it overnight. No credit card deposit required. Made it quite enjoyable. OK, enough with the free advertising.

Took a ride out to Garden of the Gods, then down into Manitou Springs again, then back to the Springs and Paul and Shannon's. Lovely way to see the Garden, though that first hill exhausted me. I always think of Singles and the biker guy who claims "I like the way the world looks from a bicycle." Not even the threat of rain could ruin the ride. Lightning in the mountains made it more interesting. I was last at GotG on my personally infamous trip to Denver a decade ago. I still have pics from then, so I didn't take too many this time. Quite the view - and quite crowded. Glad I was on my bike. I am constantly amazed at how rocks can be beautiful (no offense, Scott). A different kind of beauty than the wooded mountains, but capable of stealing my breath nonetheless.

Am hoping to spend some time writing tonight at the airport, processing the trip a bit, trying to draw a line of story through what happened. Seems so long ago since Ft. Thomas, but it's only been a week. And the flight out even longer. I'm glad. Better than it feeling short.

Sarah wrote yesterday - she had talked to Shannon and knew I was here, but thought I had driven out. She asked if Shannon had done her married duty and tried to set me up. Had to laugh when I read that. I did get the chance to spend a couple of evenings with two lovely friends of Shannon's, but they definitely did not feel like set ups. Perhaps I've been too successful at cultivating the image of the content bachelor....

Paul is here. More later. Æ

Jose Muldoon's

Decided to do lunch. Could have gone back to the Marchese's but...I've been craving Mexican. And we might go somewhere else later, but...I wanted Mexican. Now. Instant gratification, I am they slave.

TMI moment - I'm a bit moist right now. Shirt is soaked with sweat, which is one reason I decided to sit outside - let the air dissipate any unfortunate odor and dry me off. I just hope the gaggle of girls next to me aren't too disgusted by my presence. Of course, they're to busy discussing the vagaries of the service industry to even notice me.

Listening to Shannon talk about her job in publishing got me thinking again of adapting Summers' Last into book form. It feels like it shouldn't be too difficult - the story is there, I would just need to add some more description. I want to ask Shannon what she thinks, but wonder if it would be taking advantage of our friendship. I don't know the etiquette on this. I've got 3 1/2 days to figure it out.

3 1/2 days of vacation left. Sad.

Mom called yesterday - dad had to go to the hospital - they thought it was a kidney problem, but they ruled that out and now think it's some kind of intestinal blockage. We Allen's and our gastric problems. Next week at this time I'll be recovering from my gall bladder surgery. Joy. Probably trying to squeeze too much in, but that's what breaks are for.

Lunch is done - not too impressed. Probably should have waited. Ah well, that's what vacations are for - taking chances. Æ

Columbine Trail

This is the way to spend a Saturday morning - on a trail in the mountains, the caress of a breeze on your face, an overcast sky clearing to a vivid blue. And sweet, sweet silence. For a weekend, I'm surprised there are not more people here. I've only passes one other hiker and seen a couple of riders. Voices have echoed periodically, but other than that I could be alone up here. Which is just what I wanted.

Spoke too soon. A couple other hikers just appeared. And I think they want the bench I'm sitting on. Why should I feel guilty? No reason. I was here first. And yet I do.

Been listening to God here in the silence. Candice reminded me before I left how significant Colorado has been in my life. 'Twas ten years ago that God shook me from my path and set me on another. Nothing earth shaking this time. No grand revelations. No serendipitous epiphanies. No wisdom brought down from the mountain. Not that God hasn't been here - hard to miss his footprints and fingerprints in this place. I do feel more grounded, more balanced than when I started, though sleep still eludes me. This trip has been healing, which I definitely needed.

So why do I wish it had been more?

Ridiculous, really. Expecting lightning to strike twice? Madness. And let's be honest - a little harder now to start over than it was ten years ago. But there's that fear of growing stagnant, complacent, seeking comfort more than adventure - or worse, comfort more than God's will. Yet I suppose still listening, still seeking what lies over the next mountain demonstrates a willingness to be surprised - and that alone should keep me from being too complacent.

I could stay here all day, but I should be headed back. We're off to Boulder tonight to see some Shakespeare - The Scottish Play, methinks. Been a while since I've seen it performed in its entirety. Here's hoping it's a good production. Æ

Red Rocks Canyon

Not to be confused with the amphitheater. This is in Colorado Springs. Came here instead of Garden of the Gods because 1) I've been to Garden of the Gods before and 2) fewer tourists. You can still here the distant sounds of civilization - cars, chain saws - but still quite peaceful. Thunder also rolls, which makes my stopping a bit risky, but I don't think the rain will come. Or maybe I should say hope.

The trade off Tuesday went swimmingly (pun intended). WaterWorld was quite fun, though I was reminded why I haven't been in over ten years. Besides the interminable waiting in lines for a 30 second ride, I was struck by the flesh factor - so much skin, so little covering. Wouldn't have been so bad were not 90% of the patrons not under the legal drinking age. Guess I felt just a bit...creepy. But the five of us (Ryan's brother Dane joined us) had great fun sliding and slashing our way through the day.

Then we went to a microbrewery called Hops and met Paul and Shannon. There's always some trepidation when your world's collide, even if it was your idea. But all turned out well. No forced conversations, no awkward silences. An excellent transition 'tween the halves of my trip. We said our goodbyes at Hops and then Paul, Shannon and I headed into Denver to see the Rockies demolish the Dodgers 10-1. If you don't really care about the teams, you definitely want a high scoring game, which is exactly what we got. Fantastic seats, along the third base line. A wonderful night at the ballpark.

Still facing the dilemma I wrote about earlier - why I don't live here. And I know the rasons, mostly coming down to momentum. But what would it take to spring me out here? two thoughts come to mind - work or love. Both of those require action on my part, so the odds, not so good. But God has done greater and more unexpected things. Time to be moving on. More if time allows. Æ

canoe-dling

At a small lake not far from Alexa's - decided to take a bike ride to give her a break from playing hostess. Plus I needed some alone time to recharge, to think, to write. Had planned on getting up early this morning and writing, but my old friend insomnia stopped by and kept me up 'til the wee hours. So much for my hope that a change of scenery might help.

did I mention how amazing the scenery is here? Again, I'm faced with the question, "Why is it again I don't live here?" Add to that the amazing bicycle paths and lanes they have here and I truly have to question what holds me in Ohio - other than family, friends, an amazing church community, a house payment, a great job...OK, so sacrifices would have to be made...

Took my first trip to the great state of Wyoming. Went with Ryan, Alexa, Marcus and Ryan's friend Ethan and Ethan's mom and dad Bob and Carel. We drove up Friday night and set up camp in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, but ended up being a beautiful campsite right by the North Platte River. We woke up early and dropped off one of the cars at Pick Bridge, then drove through Saratoga up to Treasure Island, about 20 miles up river.

WARNING: This next part of the story will give you a terrifying look into how my brain works. Enter at your own risk.

Since there were seven of us and only three canoes, it meant one canoe would have three people. So Ryan, Alexa and I went in their new canoe (The Pelican), with Alexa in front, Ryan steering and me in the middle. We pushed off into the current went about one canoe length and promptly flipped the canoe. Luckily, it was still shallow, so we drained the canoe, got everything bakc in and headed off. Two canoe lengths later we flipped again, this time spilling our lunch into the North Platte, plastic wrapped sandwiches and Clif bars doing a much better job at navigating the current than we had so far. I quickly deduced it was my fault we had flipped and even suggested perhaps it would be better if I stayed behind. I was after all the stranger here. And let's be honest - my added weight significantly increased the difficulty. Luckily, none of the acknowledged my suggestion and after some shifting around, I ended up sitting in the middle of Bob and Carel's canoe.

Now if you've ever been canoing, you know the center seat is either the best seat or the worst. If you like sitting back, doing nothing, enjoying the view, it's great. Unfortunately, I was looking for a little more than that. So while I sat there, doing nothing, my brain, as it tends to do sometimes, began to convince me I had ruined everyone's day, that I'd spoiled a beautiful day of canoing because I couldn't manage to stay in the boat. And sitting there, completely useless, seemed to me at the moment a metaphor for my life: fat, unbalanced, the dead weight, the proverbial third wheel. As always, I knew none of this was true - I'd been canoing and was rather good at it. But I felt it was true, and at that moment, nothing else mattered.

But a teh sun slid higher in the sky and the river slipped beneath us, the beauty and serenity of the landscape washed away my darkness. I climbed out of myself and became lost in God's grandeur breathing all around me. The ripple of the river. The languid flight of a pelican. The swallows swooping over the surface of the river. Bald eagles perched atop steely cliffs. This is what nature does - it draw us out of ourselves, our endless ponderings and reminds us we are but a part of a magnificent whole. It's hard to stare at your navel with a mountain looming over you.

After a couple hours on the river, we switched seating arrangements and I ended up in the front of Ethan's canoe. And suddenly my body remembered what it was doing and soon we were cruising down the river, pointing out bucks on the bank, drifting beneath an impossibly blue sky, laughing as Ryan and Marcus hit a tree and flipped their canoe. I even proved an excellent asset in the many water battles that marked the last half of our trip. And when we stopped on the shore and Ethan, the veteran of many a canoe trip, shook my hand and praised my canoing skills, the small, ugly voice that had haunted me in the morning, threw up his hands in disgust and evaporated in the Wyoming sun.

day three

Day three in Colorado, first time writing here, mostly because we've kept pretty active. Botanical gardens. LoDo. Cherry Creek. Airport. Ft. Collins. City Park. PF Chang's. Buying a canoe. Pus, it feels rude to sit and write while visiting.

Of course, it's just after 7:15 now and I've been up for over an hour and everyone else is asleep, so I sit here in an Adirondack chair staring at the hint of mountains in the distance, visited by family pets and trying to ignore the noisy squawking of the blue jays. I'd hoped being here would wake my slumbering muse, but she still dozes, oblivious to my need for her. I think back to my last visit here, must before the great train adventure and remember the words that poured from my pen, thoughts and insights that now seem written by someone long gone. What was it about that time? Was I more aware? More open? More awake?

Or perhaps it was because I had 10-12 hours a day on a train with nothing to do but write....

Lately I've felt like I've been stumbling through my days half-asleep and while the insomnia contributes some to that, there's something deeper going on. I'm broken inside, only I can't find the cause, only the symptoms. Sleeplessness, self-loathing, joylessness. An easy annoyance with life. A sense of being left behind, stuck watching others lives change and grow.

I am reminded again of the quote Karin shared during her talk in June - "Comparison is the thief of joy." How true and how difficult to live out.

I look at the horizon and know the beauty of the mountains in the distance, but the morning mist blurs and fades, giving only an impression of what lies there, obscuring their gradeur. But as the sun climbs the clouds behind me, the peaks become clearer, sharper, inspiring, beckoning. We see now through a glass darkly, but clarity will come. Slowly. In its own time. We cannot push it. We can only wait. Æ

a beginning

DIA, waiting for my flight to Denver to board. Vacation, 2008. I'm not nearly as excited as I thought I'd be, but then I've been up over 2 1/2 hours and it's not yet 8:00 AM, so tht might have something to do with it. Yet it's clear something's not right within me. Insomnia. Bursts of anger. Feelings of worthlessness. Abnegation of hope. Not the way you want to start a vacation. Of course, perhaps it's OK, proving the need I have for a vacation, a change of venue, of pace, of routine. I know there's something off-kilter, judging from the symptoms, but I cannot pinpoint what it is. Perhaps stepping back for a bit will help.

My brain is not here. Will write later. Going to start The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Mom said it was bittersweet. Definitely not what I need right now. But it's what I have. Æ

i lost my phone

we live in fascinating times. here i am, my phone left in the backseat of a friend's car, able to jump online and check to see if anyone has called my phone from my computer. there was a time not that long ago where an extended trip like the one i'm preparing to take meant expecting to be away from your phone for a while. now i'm driving up to mason tomorrow morning to make sure that doesn't happen. how swiftly time changes. the strange thing is, i had hoped to make a couple of phone calls tonight. and though no one ever calls, i'm afraid i'm going to miss a call tonight. don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, right?

i sat down this afternoon at moe's to try and write down some thoughts following the visitation for susan's husband, but nothing came. i have no words for a situation like this, for two little girls left wondering what happened to their father and if it means their cat and dog might leave them as well. i have no words for the swirl of emotions on susan's face as we methodically made our way through the line to where she stood, just in front of the casket. my feelings on visitations are well-documented and i won't go into them again. i only wish i had words that would help, or the power to take the pain away. but i do not. and quote woody all you want, but showing up for things like this rarely feels like success. it feels like the absolute least i can do.

the clouds have been following me all day, stealing my thoughts and distracting me from the thoughts still lingering about. right now they're shadowed against a dimming sky. this afternoon they were brilliant white in an impossibly blue sky. no ducks or figures or mythical creatures, just a reminder that life is filled with unimaginable beauty we miss every day because we're too busy staring into the abyss.

we're moving on.

blood work tomorrow morning. trip to mason to pick up my phone after that. home to probably mow my lawn, unless rain intervenes, which looks unlikely, dagnabit. do some laundry. start laying out what i need to pack. then back to the exact same building from the blood test for a meeting with my sleep doctor about my future with the damned bipap machine. then more prep for the trip. hard to believe it's coming so soon. it's times like this i wish i were a list maker, but i'm not, as it was at the beginning, so it is now and so it shall ever be, world without end. need to begin throwing stuff i want to take into a centralized location as i think of it so i don't leave stuff behind. which i will.

the museum has an exhibit going on now of photographs by gregory crewdson. you can do a google search to see some of his work. if you're in the cincy area or are going to be in the cincy area before oct. 5, check it out. huge prints of staged scenes that feel like captured moments from a david lynch film or a real-life version of a hopper painting. make sure you stop by the gift shop to look at the book beneath the roses before you leave. haven't been this taken with a photographer since peter lik.

enough for tonight. want to try and finish west wing season four before i leave tuesday. seems doable, especially since i don't sleep anymore. night. Æ

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Now playing: Patty Griffin - When It Don't Come Easy
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a couple of shots

took some time this afternoon and went down to the cincinnati art museum to get my art fix since the next art walk isn't until the end of august and to give me a chance to play with my new camera. below are a couple of the shots i took, coincidentally, both sculptures of eve.

Eve Disconsolate - Powers

Eve Hearing the Voice - Ezekiel

i was hoping to get a picture of another sculpture - Bacchant and Bacchante with a Cupid by Clodion - but it's either been removed or is in part of the museum being renovated. it inspired a poem of mine and i wanted a visual to go with the words. of course it's not one of the pics on the museum's website. will have to keep looking and hope it shows.

8:00 PM and i haven't eaten dinner yet. i want pizza, or something similar, but i can't get up the motivation to go and get it. could walk to larosas for a calzone, or betta's, though last time i had a betta's calzone was when i had my last gall bladder attack. being lazy and being hungry do not mix well.

i am full of depth tonight. off to forage for food. Æ

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loss

tonight, after discovering the one thing i thought i had planned today wasn't happening, i decided to bike up to steak n shake for some dinner and to try out my newly purchased bike rack and lights. while i was eating and reading from the practice of spiritual direction, i got a call from my friend andy. unfortunately, it was to relay sad news. my friend susan's husband died unexpectedly this week, leaving her with two young children to look after. i guess you never really get used to this, the surprising nature of death. my heart weeps for susan and her children. visitation is sunday afternoon and some of us are meeting at the high school to head over.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

i believe this, but then i'm not the one dealing directly with the loss. i hurt because susan does, but i cannot know the pain she is going through. but i trust God to surround her with those who can help. i pray for that.

i leave for denver in less than five days now. lots of stuff to get done between now and then. i have two doctor's appointments on monday and a hair appointment on tuesday. and i have to mow my lawn sometime before i leave. i've been putting it off so i can cut it right before i leave and let it grow while i'm gone. my only fear is rain will spoil my plans. guess i should check the weather for monday/tuesday. the goal is to head up to dayton on tuesday, see friends, spend time with the 'rents, and then get up way too early for my 8:30 flight. we'll see how well my plans work out.

it occurs to me that perhaps i should not be announcing to the world that i will be gone to colorado. but since i'll have people keeping an eye on my house, i'm not too concerned. not like anyone reads this anyway and those that do probably wouldn't break into my house. probably.

been spending my days watching the west wing. i figured since i was already tired of all the politics in the real world, i'd prefer to spend time with the politics i like. i miss the cadence of sorkin's writing. i miss the quirkiness of the characters. but i'm enjoying revisiting the bartlet years and it helps to remove the bitter taste of real life politics from my mouth. i'm into season four now and he's just slammed richie in the debate and won re-election. i'm not remembering as much from this season and soon i'll get to the later seasons when i stopped watching. why was that? oh that's right, i started teaching. silly me.

been playing with my camera - quite happy with my purchase. still learning how to use all the features and i'm not ready to post anything just yet, but might have a shot or two before i leave for colorado and if not, i know i'll have some upon my return. my favorite part is being able to delete shots - it allows me to play without wasting film. fun to see what different settings will do to the picture. not a big fan of the flash so far - i much prefer natural light when i can, though i know i won't be able to rely on that alone all the time. nice being a part of the digital age.

ok, time for sleep, if it comes. no alarm tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. seems to me six hours is about all i get anymore, not matter how early i go to bed. was in bed by 11 last night and woke up around 5 am. bleah. why can't i be normal? (insert your own joke here). night. Æ

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wideawake

gave up after 45 minutes of tossing and turning and decided to come in and try to type myself into sleepiness. not sure it will work, but the usual things are not helping and i'm trying to stay away from pills, especially since my alarm will sound in about 5 1/2 hours and the pills are good for eight. brain won't shut off, body won't cool down, so here i am. aren't you lucky?

guess now is as good a time as any to get into that glorious discussion of marriage and divorce and remarriage i keep yammering on about. first, however, a disclaimer or two. these thoughts are ones i am wrestling with. i don't claim to have all the answers - heck, i'm not even sure i'm asking the right questions. but to paraphrase brother merton, i believe my desire to please does in fact please. the following thoughts come from my interpretation of scripture. i have no "word of the Lord" or particular insight God has provided and much of the time i wish i believed otherwise because, well, it would make life less complicated. or more complicated, depending on how you see it.

enough stalling. i just wanted to make it clear the opinions expressed below are not necessarily the opinions expressed Above and if you already have rejected the thoughts from Above, then you're not going to think much of my thoughts below.

i don't think that made it clear, but i'm going to go on anyway.

back in seminary i came to the belief that in some circumstances, God does indeed permit divorce. this came from a reading of the usual old and new testament scriptures on marriage and divorce, specifically Christ's words in matthew, Paul's words in corinthians, and the storyteller's words in genesis about man and woman and one flesh. divorce is never the ideal and always a last resort, but there are times and places where the most loving action for both parties is to dissolve a harmful relationship. the other belief i came to during this time was that while divorce may be necessary at times, remarriage after divorce is not permitted under any circumstances.

i realize this seems like a grace-less position. how can someone be held responsible for decisions made at a young age? how can someone be held responsible for decisions made by another person? how can someone pay the price for another's sin? what kind of God would punish someone like that? what about grace? what about forgiveness?

originally, in the guarded ivory tower that is academia, those answers came easily. the example i used to use went something like this: a person in a moment of poor judgment has unprotected sex with a stranger and later discovers that they have an std. will God grant them forgiveness for their sin? of course. will he take away the consequence of that sin? no. His forgiveness does not wipe away the human consequences of the sin. that person will live the rest of their life with that std.

i then would draw the parallels - yes, God is able to forgive the sin of divorce - it is not the "unforgivable sin" many churches preach, either explicitly or implicitly. however, the breaking of the marriage covenant has consequences and we must live with those consequences. which, according to my reading of scripture, specifically matthew 19 and i corinthians 7, meant no remarriage.

most of the objections i've heard fall under what i label as the "But that's not fair!" argument. it's not fair that God would punish both parties equally when the other was unfaithful/dishonest/abusive/fill-in-the-blank. it's not fair that God would hold us accountable for decisions made in the "heat of the moment" or in the " throes of young love." it's not fair for God to expect someone to remain single for the rest of their lives.

i think most of these objections take a weak view of marriage. they reduce marriage to a contract between a man and a woman instead of a covenant between two souls and their God. in many ways, my understanding of marriage is more sacramental in nature - it is not so much something we do (though obviously the couple has an important part to play), but something God does. it is He that knits the souls together. it is He that weaves two separate stories into one. it is He that makes the two one, transforms them into one flesh.

because it is something God does, we cannot simply break it apart. it is why Christ declares "the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" and follows it up with "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:8-9, 11-12).

so while we in our humanness see a broken contract, God sees us as one flesh still, which is why remarriage is seen as adultery. the contract may be broken, but the covenant still exists. which of course is much easier to hold on to in the rarefied air of the seminary classroom than in reality.

i also see these objections taking a weak view of the single life as well. many of the objections see being forced to remain single as a horrible punishment, like being single is a fate worse than death. God wouldn't expect anyone to live like that, especially someone who has already tasted the glorious fruits of the married life. it would be cruel to expect them to spend the rest of their lives without someone, wouldn't it?

obviously, i have a lovely set of baggage to go with this attitude, being unmarried as well as celibate. but it's hard for me to feel much sympathy for someone who will be "cursed" to be like i am. though not intended, it sets up the married life as the ideal and the single life as the less than, even though Christ himself was single (no matter what dan brown says) and Paul wished "that all men were as I am" (I Cor. 7:7).

the disconnect for me occurs on many different fronts. i've seen God bless second (and even third) marriages. i've seen friends torn apart by people they've loved who turned out to not be the person they believed them to be. i've heard viable objections raised - what about the verses where Jesus says "except for marital infidelity"(Matt. 19:9)? what about Paul's admonition, "if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances" (I Cor. 7:15)?

it's circumstances like this that have made me revisit and wrestle with my beliefs recently. maybe there are times when remarriage is permitted. but the problem is, when? marital infidelity would seem the simple answer, but how do you define that? is it simply having sex with someone who is not your spouse? or could it be for emotional or intellectual infidelity? what about abuse - could that be seen as a breaking of the marital vows? who makes the decision what is a viable reason for an "lawful" divorce? do we need to make a list? do we deal with it on a case by case basis? and if so, what principles do we judge those cases?

and my own baggage confuses the matter. what if i'm questioning my beliefs, not because i think they might be wrong, but because by abandoning them, i increase the possibility that i may not be cursed with having to live the rest of my life single? let's be honest - the odds of me finding someone to spend what little remains of my life who has never been married are becoming slimmer. cutting myself off from potential dates simply because they've been married before smacks of elitism - i'm better than you because i've never been married.

and yet i can't shake the feeling that perhaps we'd be better off if we saw marriage as a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. how many of us would take more time getting to know the person we're going to marry if we knew we only got one shot to get it right? how many of us would work harder at the relationship knowing if this goes bad, there won't be a chance for another? what if we saw ourselves as God sees us - as one flesh - and realized to tear that asunder wouldn't leave two separate souls, but two half ones?

ok, it's been almost two hours and i'm still not tired and i definitely haven't come to any grand conclusions. but the ideas are out there. feel free to disagree or even try to convince me i'm wrong. part of me would be happy to be convinced i'm in error. but only if it's to serve God's glory, not my own wants and needs. Æ

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Now playing: Emmylou Harris - Plaisir d'Amour
via FoxyTunes

randomness

not feeling much like getting into the whole marriage/divorce talk tonight, so you're spared my ramblings for the time being. and i have little purpose in coming here other than to see if perhaps writing will lead me somewhere tonight. been a remarkably lazy day. played for worship at church, came home, took a long nap, watched some west wing, went for a bike ride, watched some more west wing and am now here. why does my ride feel like the only productive activity i did all day?

i watched dan in real life last night. decent flick - steve carell was excellent and understated and i enjoyed watching the film, though i doubt the ending could ever have happened that way. the basic conflict is dan meets this amazing woman who turns out to be his brother's new girlfriend. i know i was supposed to be rooting for dan, but it seemed...wrong. is this just me? i've been told not everyone feels this way, but if someone is taken, that's it. you move on. heck, i've been in situations where i found out someone else was interested, not even dating, and i felt like i needed to back off my own interest. can't say i've always followed this, but it is my default position, which in some ways does seem a little silly considering i'm limiting my already incredibly limited options. but it doesn't feel honorable. not that that matters much nowadays i suppose.

been reading a couple of books on spiritual direction. the first one, holy listening: the art of spiritual direction, was a good introduction to the concept and some of the issues surrounding it. the second one, the practice of spiritual direction, seems a bit drier. maybe i'll save it for bed time, to help with my insomnia. just kidding.

weird...corey hart's "never surrender" is playing right now on my itunes. i was just singing this song tonight on my bike ride. so completely random. freaks me out when stuff like this happens, though i should be used to it by now. "so if you're lost and on your own/you can never surrender" come on, everybody sing!

or not.

i need a new fiction book to read. i tried using a couple of recommendation sites, but nothing caught my attention. jenna suggested never let me go because of my tendency to have organs removed. maybe i'll look into it...shoot! i just remembered i didn't remember to return my library books yesterday. i think if i get them in before 10AM tomorrow they won't be considered late. need to remember to take them with me to prayers so i can walk up and drop them off. kept thinking all weekend i needed to do that and, well, i didn't. anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. ideally, a paperback would be best for my upcoming travel, but i'll take anything.

according to ups, my new camera should be here on tuesday. it's in columbus right now, so i was kind of hoping it might find it's way here tomorrow, but with processing and all, tuesday seems like my best bet. no sign of the memory card, which is bad because i think i might have to send it back. looks like some of the features on the camera only work with olympus memory cards, which blows, but what are you gonna do? i'm not a big fan of this waiting part. i want to play with it now. at least i'll have it in time for the trip, with a couple days to play with the features.

let's see, plans for the week...we moved house church to wednesday so steve and i could go see hellboy 2 (he got free passes). plus it worked out better for john, so i don't feel so bad. we watched the first one friday night. i like the character of hellboy - reminds me of tom waits for some reason, if tom waits were a large demon-like creature from another dimension. maybe i just have tom on the brain. other than that, that's all i've got. was hoping to pick up a shift or two at the auditorium, but haven't heard word one from jack, so who knows.

well, no grand epiphanies tonight. guess i'll go try and steal some sleep. i'm hoping the ride helped wear me out. was going to take a pill, but someone recommended avoiding them, so we'll try to sleep without. night all.
Æ

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Now playing: Willard Grant Conspiracy - River In The Pines
via FoxyTunes

some thoughts from uncle fred

from whistling in the dark...

All "isms" run out in the end, and good riddance to most of them. Patriotism for example.

If patriots are people who stand by their country right or wrong, Germans who stood by Adolf Hitler and the Third Reich should be adequate proof that we've had enough of them.

If patriots are people who believe not only that anything they consider unpatriotic is wrong but that anything they consider wrong is unpatriotic, the late Senator Joseph McCarthy and his backers should be enough to make us avoid them like the plague.

If patriots are people who believe things like "Better Dead Than Red," they should be shown films of Hiroshima and Nagasaki on August 6 and 9, 1945, respectively, and then be taken off to the funny farm.

The only patriots worth their salt are the ones who love their country enough to see that in a nuclear age it is not going to survive unless the world survives. True patriots are no longer champions of Democracy, Communism, or anything like that but champions of the Human Race. It is not the Homeland they feel called on to defend at any cost but the planet Earth as Home. If in the interests of making sure we don't blow ourselves off the map once and for all, we end up relinquishing a measure of national sovereignty to some international body, so much the worse for national sovereignty.

There is only one Sovereignty that matters ultimately and it is of another sort altogether.

Frederick Buechner

to quote the bard...'Twas a rough night.

so i entered full-blown insomnia last night - couldn't fall asleep and then once i did doze off for about 23 minutes, i woke again, unable to fall back asleep. so much for going without the sleep aids i have. i read for a while, watched arrested development for a while, walked around the neighborhood a while, caught up on some correspondence for a while and then went to prayers and started my as usual day. must have been something in the air last night - lots of friends on facebook late last night, saw a couple different postings that people had difficulty sleeping. wonder if some thing was affecting our collective unconscious. i'm feeling ok right now, but am a bit concerned about tonight's flash fiction and being completely brain dead by the time 7PM rolls around. i probably should avoid taking a nap today, but not sure that will be possible. will have to see how i feel this afternoon.

ok, we'll call this next section things i've wanted to write about, to catch up.

first, tom was amazing. definitely ranks up their in my favorite concert experiences. he's the consummate showman and leaves it all on the stage. by the end of the show, his entire suit was drenched in sweat - you could watch the stain slowly creeping down his back. i know a lot of people have trouble with his voice, but it's the instrument God gave him and he knows how to use it. it is a force of nature and the power and emotion he brings to every song is a wonder to behold. definitely worth the price of admission and then some. so glad i got tickets.

brian and i got there a little after 7, about an hour and a half before he came on stage. good thing, since it took us almost that long to get to the front of the merch table. tom doesn't usually sell schwag at his shows, so everyone was getting something, many people buying multiple options. i'm sure ebay is littered with them, unfortunately. i, too, took advantage and bought a shirt (just one) while brian bought one of each design (but he'll wear them). great moment: as soon as brian and i go to the front, the guy manning our part of the table declared it for credit card customers only, even though he'd been doing both previously. frustrated, we made our way to another side of the table. when the guy came over, another fan let us go first, probably after hearing us complain to the merch table guy. we thanked him profusely for his kindness, which turned out to be a good thing since he ended up sitting in the seats right next to us. we then turned around and passed it on, letting some other fans go into the theater before us. quite the eclectic mix of fans, from younguns in shorts and t-shirts to guys and girls dressed to the hilt in true waitsian fashion. the crowd was well behaved (other than the drunk/stoned guy behind us who got a bit belligerent during the show - i thought brian might jump up and bitchslap him) and quite responsive, which tom rewarded by giving us two encores.

tom did a great variety of tunes, leaning heavily on his more recent songs, understandably. the live arrangements were great to hear. his reed player was amazing - like having an entire sax section in one guy. he played tenor and bari at the same time, and played them well, which is impressive to say the least. the other players were solid - nothing terribly flashy, but then they weren't the focus - tom was. favorite moments: cold, cold ground, cemetery polka, eyeball kid, lie to me and of course, time. i've already picked up a bootleg copy of the show - not the best quality and there's some overly enthusiastic woman screaming occasionally, but nice to have a memento to remember the evening by.

wow. that went on much longer than i anticipated. maybe instead of trying to squeeze this into one post, i'll do a couple of others over the course of the day - at least it will keep me awake.

need to walk down to the post office - spent part of my insomnia time this morning writing a couple of postcards to friends i've lost touch with in hopes that snailmail will work where email has not. figured it couldn't hurt to try, right?

will be back later (unless i end up comatose, drooling in my comfy chair) with thoughts on our house church discussion of marriage and divorce and my upcoming trip to the great state of colorado. mmm...mountains....Æ

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Now playing: Priscilla Ahn - Dream
via FoxyTunes

i've entered the 21st century

i spent too much of my day online, researching digital cameras. with my trip to colorado swiftly approaching, i figured i'd better pull the trigger if i hoped to have it to use on the trip. did lots of research, trying to figure out what i wanted, what i needed, how much i wanted to spend. it's not like i'm a serious photographer - though i like to take pictures, i usually find myself too caught up in moments to take the time to photograph them. so i figured i should get something small enough i could keep in my pocket and pull out, instead of something i had to lug around in a separate bag. i found one i liked and decided i wanted to see it in person before buying, so i drove over to best buy and talked to their guy and looked at the camera. in the process, i looked around at some other cameras, ones i hadn't looked at online. the camera i wanted wasn't available at the store (plus, it was cheaper online), so i came home and looked up another camera i'd seen in the store. and to make an interminable story abbreviated, it was cheaper and had the features i wanted and liked, so i bought it.

my new toy

i know, i know. i was supposed to get a canon. but what i saw and read led me to believe this was the camera for me. here's hoping i didn't screw it up. guess i'll just have to wait and try it out. and i promise i won't turn this into a photo blog, though i'm sure there'll be more pictures than there usually are. at least there better be after i bought the thing.

as you can see, i'm still not sleeping much. i hate the machine and the pills ruin my mornings, so i'm kind of back at square one. right now it's not a huge problem, but i'd like to find something before august rolls around. we'll see.

more non-consumer, non-sleep related stuff later. i have all these thoughts during the day i think about writing down, but by the time i stop in here, i've lost momentum. i'll try to do better. Æ

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Now playing: Southeast Engine - Pursuit of Happiness pt. 1
via FoxyTunes

ps i am loving the above band. found them through last.fm. see, good stuff can come out of dayton...

it's the little things that mattter (from 6/27)

like directions to your friend's house where you intend to spend the night. oops. not too worried - i have 7-8 hours to figure it out. first i'm going to kill a couple of hours watching Wall*E. opened today, so i have no idea what to expect except for the brief glimpses i've caught in previews and teasers. been a while since i've seen a movie with little to no prior knowledge.

i'm at the marcus theater in pickerington. last time i was here was with jeremy and friends. not sure what we saw - some guy movie i'm sure. he was in my dreams this week, doing what he did best - being uncomfortably naked. i miss him.

spent lunch with laurie and mel at some bbq joint. decent food, much better company. mel just got back from europe, so i'm not talking to her. laurie had wonderful stories about the girls. lovely, lovely time. catching up made me realize i need to not wait so long between visits. life comes in and fills up the moments when your not watching, leaving you with no place to squeeze in what's most important.

movie's starting. more later.
**************************
mcdonald's, outside port columbus, waiting for brian to call, tell me he's arrived. spent the first hour in my car, reading murakami's norwegian wood. enjoying it more than kafka - not that kafka was bad, i'm just tracking with this story and character more.

i enjoyed Wall *E immensely. a remarkable feat of storytelling without words. i predict it won't be as successful as other pixar flicks, not because it's not as good, but because the public has high expectations for them and are no longer impressed by their animation, which is a shame because it continues to be flawless. i also imagine those on the right will object to its environmental message, even thought that's not the main story line and in all honesty, the weakest part of the film. i could see using this film as an example of showing, not telling. the scenes with Wall*E and Eve were far more powerful and meaningful without words than the talky human scenes. quite the relationship built sans words.

there's part of me that feels the need to despise disney. they're supposed to represent everything bad about entertainment. yet i can't stop the giddy feeling i get when the logo comes up, the yearning to return to a simpler time. i was fairly obsessed with all things disney as a kid, right after my second trip to disneyworld. i was 10. there was an old roll top desk in my room i turned into a disney shrine. souvenirs from my trip. paraphernalia mom picked up at garage sales. i even remember ordering a special set of stamps from some distant country just because they had disney characters on them.

see, my tendency toward obsession started early.

though there's much to hate disney for - their squeakifying of stories and history, their over-commercialization, their decision to abandon hand-drawn animation - i will always have a soft spot for the role they played n my own childhood. which i suppose is what makes them so insidious - they insinuate themselves into your memories, co0opting them. it's probably not as malicious as i make it sound. they're no worse than where i'm sitting right now, though that's faint praise indeed.

brian just called. he's still at o'hare, which is unfortunate isnce he was supposed to arrive here 20 minutes ago. i wonder sometimes if short jumps are worth it - as he pointed out, if he'd started driving when he left for the airport, he'd be here by now or at least closer than he is. i think i'm ok here for now - the cashier told the older gentleman in front of me they don't kick people otu fo the dining room if they're here before it closes. i should go grab my book though - not sure i could keep writing for an hour straight - thought it might be good to try, i fear what drivel might come out.

just walked out to my car - almost too nice out to sit in a/c and wait, thunderstorm watches be damned. yet here i sit, the vinyl seats making the back of my knees sweat. i have no one to blame by myself.

after the movie i went to goodwill to find something to wear to the show. i found a cool blue dress shirt and a wide tie to go with it. i kept this simple idea in mind - what would brian wear? not really sure how i'll change before the show, but i'm sure we'll find an accommodating bathroom somewhere before the show.

currently listening to my 80s playlist, the primary reason for spending hours this summer looking up release dates on wikipedia (all together now...GEEK!). already found a couple of errors - i'm sorry, but cracker did not release kerosene hat in 1989 (that's what i get for trusting gracenote or whatever online database pulled the info). the music makes me a bit wistful, even the songs and bands i didn't discover until after the 80s were over. wish i could say i was listening to galaxie 500 and the jesus and mary chain in high school, but i was too busy extolling the musical genius of stryper. silly, silly boy. according to my ipod, i have 2,885 songs from the 80s, which means a little less than 20% of my collection, compared to 36% for both the 90s and the aughts. but i guarantee the stories connected to my 80s songs are deeper and more meaningful. for instance, right now "wasn't that a party" by the irish rovers is playing. i distinctly remember lying in my bed, listening to my clock radio play this song early in the morning. some radio station from my childhood played it regularly for a while, though i only ever heard it in the morning. strange how memories work.

tired of writing. i'm sure you're tired of reading. off to read some more murakami. Æ

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Now playing: Pulp - Disco 2000
via FoxyTunes

my first time

went this evening down to the speckled bird for the their monthly open mike night. decided it was time to read some of my stuff in public. wasn't sure i would be able to make it, it being house church night and all. but i got there in time and put my name on the list before i could chicken out. wasn't really sure what to expect. the first person sang a couple of folky songs. then angela sang some irish tunes. then someone read a poem they had loved as a child. in between, the mc shared some of her own stuff as well as some stuff from other sources. then it was my turn. i chose four of the pieces i was most comfortable with - a couple of sonnets, some blank verse and my "credo." the first sonnet was a bit shaky - couldn't seem to get my breathing to work. but i soon settled down and read through the pieces. not sure it's exactly what's supposed to be shared at an open mike - much too structured i think for most people. crowd was polite but i'm not sure they followed what i was saying. nothing against them - just not the easiest stuff to listen to. much easier if read. need to see if i have some other stuff to share if i do it again - more free verse kind of stuff. i don't know. i'm glad i did it, but not sure if i liked it enough to do it more.

rode this morning out to mariemont - sublime weather and light traffic. a relaxing ride. took my time and didn't push too hard. am hoping to get back into a semblance of riding rhythm again. still had a bit of numbness today even with the seat lowered, but not as severe as before. tomorrow i plan on riding to my doctor's appointment and then steve and i are supposed to ride around and visit some of the local neighborhoods for a city beat piece (he's writing, i'm just along for the ride). we'll see how i feel tomorrow - supposed to be in 90s. can't complain, though - these past ten days of open windows and breezes have been glorious.

not sure how the doctor's appointment will go tomorrow - will talk to him about my gall bladder problems. could possibly lead to surgery sometime this summer. i figure removing one minor organ every year shouldn't be too bad for a while. watch your back, tonsils, you're next on the list!

at house church we were scheduled to talk about marriage and divorce, but as sometimes happens, we were called away to help someone out. ken o. had a minor accident biking, so steve and i drove out to pick him and laura up. one of the joys of house church is it's flexibility. so we'll pick up the touchy subject next week. it's a timely lesson as i've been once again re-evaluating my stance on divorce and specifically remarriage. lots of personal issues wrapped up in that, so i'm hoping to get a bit of perspective from our discussion, to get some real world perspective to go along with my purely intellectual thoughts.

time to read and try to sleep again. still debating whether the benefits of the machine (which i've yet to really experience) are worth all the hassle it's been so far. and the drugs haven't seemed to do much more than make it hard to wake up in the morning. perhaps i'm doomed to a life of little sleep. there are worse fates.
Æ

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Now playing: Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Wicked Little Town
via FoxyTunes

tuesdays are the new mondays

i always have the best of intentions, much like jimmy buffet, of making changes on mondays. going to clean the house. going to start eating right. going to catch up on email. going to start exercising. but what i usually find, during the summer at least, is mondays are usually spent recovering from whatever i did over the weekend. so then in my mind i convince myself tuesday would be a better day to start whatever is new. by then i'll be more awake, more motivated, the same old same old.

we'll have to see how tuesday turns out.

i had much to recover from this weekend. worked ye olde auditorium gig on friday night with judy for six plus hours. saturday included a thunderstorm-soaked birthday party for becky at the farm, complete with full-blown pyromania and good times with friends. then sunday started bright and early as i got to play bass for worship. always wonderful to play with janet, especially when joined by sandie's and angie's beautiful harmonies. makes me long to play more often, or at the very least bring my bass home and play some here. if only my amp didn't weigh four thousand pounds.

perhaps i exaggerate a bit.

then sunday afternoon we had our BATB party at jim and kathy's out in liberty township. amazing house and backyard, complete with a beautiful pool. good to see the cast again, catch up and see the dvd. not sure when i'll see some of them again - they kept pimping the upcoming hms pinafore auditions, but show week is when our first trimester ends and i think it would be the height of irresponsibility to get into a show, especially since i told lisa i couldn't help with the middle school production because i would be too busy. anyway, good to have a chance to see everyone and the dvd turned out pretty well. now all my friends who couldn't make it can see what i looked like as an eggbeater. if they want.

i topped of the weekend with a trip down to the gypsy hut to see the poms at their last cincy gig for far too long. again i was subjected to the whims of fluid concert starting times. the website said 8:00. the poster said 9:30. the poms went on after midnight. i guess i'm just not cool enough to be on concert-going time. quite the contingent from the 'wood last night and everyone had a great time. the first opening "band" - pete and repeat - was fun in a college music kind of way. he played guitar and sang while backed by his ipod. fun and funny songs. the other group was javelins which i wanted to like more than i actually did. songs weren't catchy enough for me - not enough melody for my tastes. the poms were good, though they seemed a bit tired perhaps. josh has certainly come into his own and his guitar work on one of the new songs they played was impressive. sad that won't be playing here again any time soon, but am happy to have seen them as often as i have and i'm glad they're getting out and getting known. if only i could make the monolith festival at red rocks...

this morning, after prayer and then going back to sleep, was spent trying to catch up on long neglected correspondence. not exactly what i had planned, but at least it was semi-productive. no excuses for not keeping in touch with all this extra time. might even (gasp!) break down and write some letters. i know. scary. though i've said that before and wasn't good at keeping my promise.

ok, time to get on some of that correspondence. and read more of kafka on the shore. really enjoying it so far. struck this morning by this line: "The purity of her beauty gives me a feeling close to sadness - a very natural feeling, though one that only something extraordinary could produce." lovely.
Æ

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Now playing: Pomegranates - Thunder Meadow (Daytrotter Sessions)
via FoxyTunes

flash fiction

i volunteered to help st. elizabeth's arts kick off their flash fiction evening and for the past two weeks have moderated the adventure. the gist - you're given a prompt, followed by five minutes of brainstorm time, followed by twenty minutes of writing time, followed by five minutes of editing time, followed by the opportunity to share. the object is to have a self-contained story. fun, no? below is the piece i wrote last week. the prompt was to write a story including the following sentences: "It was all going so well. And then the phone rang." i've left it exactly as written - no after the fact editing. enjoy.

It was all going so well. And then the phone rang.

Now if I had half a brain – which obviously I don’t because if I did I wouldn’t have had my phone on in the first place – I would have ignored it, let the miracle of voice mail take care of it.

I didn’t. Mistake number one.

I felt her questioning eyes on me as I reached into my pocket. Without meeting them, I lifted an apologetic hand and glanced at the glowing screen. Harriet. Of course. Perfect timing as always. I should have slipped the phone back into my pocket, turned off the ringer and whispered, “Sorry about that,” to those questioning eyes.

I didn’t. Mistake number two.

Instead I slid out of the booth. “Sorry, ‘bout this. I have to take it. Work. Special project, due tomorrow.” Why I had to lie should be obvious. Why I felt the need to explain it to my date would require weeks and weeks of therapy. I made my way through the crowded bar to the pay phone by the restroom, took a deep breath and flipped open the phone.

“Harriet.”

“Benjamin”

Awkward pause.

“Need something?”

More silence.

“Ohh kaay…well, it was good to hear from you. Feel free to call back and say my name some other time. I’ve got to…”

“Wait. Wait. Can you talk?”

I glanced over at the table, my date sipping from the Long Island I had lavished on her. “Actually, I’m a little busy at the moment.”

“Oh.” More silence. “OK.” Even more silence. “I guess…”

“What do you want to say, Harriet? You obviously called for something. Just spit it out.”

I know it sounds harsh, but I’d had enough. It’d been six months. You can only carry a torch so long before you’re left with just a smoldering stump. I’d finally moved on and was looking forward to the rest of my life.

I heard her sniff and her face filled my senses and I knew it was bad.

“Mark died.”

And the phone went silent.

And the air left my body.

And the bar turned upside down.

I grabbed a waiter by the arm, jammed a fifty into his pocket and told him to take care of my date. No use going back there now. Mark was dead. Harriet was alone. I knew where I needed to be. I stumbled out onto the neon-lit sidewalk, turned right and headed for what would become my home. Æ

the problem with not doing much with your days is you have little to write about. who wants to read of the mundaneness of your most recent obsession to update your mp3s? who wants to hear you whine about still not being able to sleep? who wants to read about how you're squandering your summer break? not me.

the week has gotten more productive as it's gone one. monday was a wash - i think i literally did nothing productive, which in some cases is fine, but i had a list. i had things i needed to get done. and when the day came to a close, they remained undone. most significantly, i needed to call two doctors to discuss two different issues - my continuing battle with the sleep machine and my forgotten battle with my gall bladder. but lack of sleep kept me from calling and i put it off until tuesday (the upside - i have an appointment tomorrow morning with the sleep guy and next week with my pcp, so at least i'm making strides).

i did cross off another important issue - i got a new tire and installed it on my bike, which i've been needing to do for a while. i also had them "fit" me for my bike and discovered i'd been riding with my seat too high for years now, which may have led to my numbness while i rode. can't wait to get on and see if the changes help. i think the inner tube is still bad, so i'll install a new one, but hopefully i'll no longer have to fill the back tire every time i go riding.

last night's house church was a good and challenging one. we've been looking at 1st corninthians and hit chapter five last night - paul admonishing the church to turn a member over to satan. i thought there would be more resistance against the idea since it smacks of being graceless - how can you deny someone access to fellowship? how will that help them in their relationship with God. but as steve pointed out, we do this all the time with people - we break ties with those who betray our friendship or are co-dependent in some way, as much for our own protection as hopefully breaking their own destructive cycle. been a good series so far, though i'm a bit trepidatious about next week's chapter - marriage and divorce. something i have oh so much experience with.

tomorrow is the second flash fiction night. i've got my prompt idea all picked out - i think, unless something else strikes my fancy. the possibility exists for a larger turn out this week than last, which is great, unless it becomes too unwieldy. i wonder at what point an experience like this too large. hopefully we'll get the chance to find out. i think i might type up my story from last week - i hesitated giving it to SEA for posting on their website, but might turn it over this week. not sure why i hesitated other than it felt like giving up some control. probably should get over that issue sometime.

tonight brandon, steven and nathan came over and we watched a couple of euro 2008 matches. forced me to do some cleaning around the house, something i need to do more often. and since i only seem to do it when forced to, i guess that means having more gatherings at my house. i don't know, though - two in two days seems pretty good. quarterfinals start tomorrow which should be lots of fun.

enough for tonight. need to go wrestle with the dreaded machine again before tomorrow. last night i kept the mask on the entire night, but i still couldn't fall asleep and woke up again after 4 hours, which is the same problem i had without the machine. glory. hopefully they'll be able to give me some hope tomorrow.
Æ

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Now playing: Tom Waits - Chocolate Jesus
via FoxyTunes

graduation day

about this time 20 years ago i was graduating from high school. i don't remember much about the ceremony other than it was polite compared to others i'd been to and moved relatively quickly. i have no idea who i sat next to. i don't recollect who spoke. i know i wore a grey robe, but only because i have pictures. i'm sure i wore red socks, since they were my trademark, much like being barefoot would mark me as i got older. my friend steve was valedictorian - i knew him all my life and knew early on he was smarter than me. or at least more diligent in his studies. my friend amy sang a song she wrote for our class, but that's all i've got. for a rite of passage, i don't have much.

ironically enough, many of my fellow classmates are gathering tonight at bar in dayton to celebrate our 20th reunion. initially, i planned to go - i mean, come on, it's my 20th. how often does that happen? and enough time had passed to see how people had changed. but somewhere in the process i lost my desire to go. maybe i didn't care to see how people had changed. maybe i worried about what people would think of how i'd changed. maybe i saw the list of people attending and realized these were not the people i shared my high school memories with. maybe it was the abhorrent grammar and spelling in the far too numerous reminders. but here i sit instead, at home, writing about my graduation day instead of celebrating it.

unlike many people, i enjoyed my high school years. sure there was the normal drama, especially with my wonderfully cheery and optimistic personality. but school wasn't a drudgery for me. of course, perhaps it helps that i remember so little about my time in school. i remember band. i remember show choir. i remember drama club. i remember muse machine. my classes? not so much. not sure if i've just blocked it to spare myself the trauma of the time. only therapy could tell.

they - you know, people who are asked to speak at commencement exercises and the like - they tell you the friends you make in high school eventually fade away and it's the friends you make in college that are the ones that stick. i wish i could prove that adage false, but i only keep in touch with a handful of friends from high school and that only sporadically. scott. steve. amy. i wonder about some. gabe. paul. donnie. deron. but not enough to go searching.

most times high school seems like something that happened to someone else, a tale told in third person. and maybe that's why i'm not drinking with everyone else at gambits tonight - i'd be trying to live someone else's story, trying to connect with people i only know second hand. i know for some, their reunion provided a moment of clarity, a reconnection to who they were. maybe i missed my chance. guess i'll never know. i'll end up like iona's friend in pretty in pink: i'll get this terrible feeling something is missing. i'll check my pockets, i'll check my keys, i'll count my cds and then realize nothing is missing. it's all just a side effect of skipping my reunion.

i should go flip through my old yearbooks, find those pictures, throw in some music from that time (ooh, stryper! INXS!), get a little nostalgia overload. it's the perfect night for it - skies full of thunderstorms, ghosts of the past flitting through my thoughts, just the slightest twinge of what might have been. better than wasting time here in cyberspace...Æ

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Now playing: Teenage Fanclub - Everything Flows
via FoxyTunes

ps seriously, these are the lyrics for the above song. gotta love itunes on random.

We get older every year
But you don't change
Or I don't notice you're changing
I think about it every day
But only for a little while
And then I feel it

I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know
I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know

The wind's blowing in my face
Lately find it hard to keep the pace
And I'm looking for a place to go
But only for a little while
And then the feeling

I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know
I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know

double yew tee eff?!

so last night during the artwalk i started to feel uncomfortable - my upper midsection felt distended and painful, my lower back started to ache. i thought i like i needed to stretch or something, but no position seemed to help. i made it home and thought sitting in the comfy chair would help, but the pain continued and intensified, so i did something i usually don't do - i decided to go down to the emergency room. i called kenny and he was gracious enough to drive me down to christ hospital. i went through the regular rigamarole and got inside, the whole time trying not to think about the pain, which didn't go very well. eventually they checked me out, took x-rays, took a urine sample and they came back with...nothing. but they shot me up with a narcotic (which i have to say was glorious), gave me a prescription for percoset, told me to stick to a bland diet and sent me on my way, telling me to call my doctor this morning to set up an ultrasound to check for some kind of stones. too drugged up to ask questions, i left, picked up my prescription, went home, fell into bed and slept for the first time in weeks.

so this morning i wake up, with no pain at all, and call my doctor to set up the ultrasound. the only problem? he's out of town. won't return until monday. and the office gave the impression they could do little about it. if it gets worse, i have the number for a doctor on call, but she has today off. now not only do i not know what was causing the pain last night, but i won't be able to find out anything new until monday. at least if the pain returns i have something to take - of course, if i take them, i'll be stuck at my house, unable to do anything or go anywhere.

can you feel the frustration?

i guess i just ride this out, go on with my day, see what happens. could it be something as simple as something i ate? but (how to put this delicately) everything i've eaten is still in my system. could the narcotic they gave me still be keeping me without pain? is it going to come back with a vengeance? do i need to cancel plans? grrrrrrrr.

ok, enough whining. off to be semi-productive until i go to get my car radio (hopefully) fixed.
Æ

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Now playing: Barnabas - Subterfuge
via FoxyTunes

waiting to get my door fixed

people who know far more than i do about garage doors are supposed to be here sometime in the next couple of hours to repair my broken door. keeping my fingers crossed that it's an easy fix for all involved. be good to actually use the auto door opener as intended, even though i'm trying to not use my car as much as possible.

i've tried several times to sit down and write about my experience teaching sunday morning, but the words aren't coming. all i know is the thoughts God gave me certainly resonated with many people there and the entire service felt knit together by God. quite a humbling experience all around. but i hope to write more later, once i find my words.

part of the problem - or at least one of the factors i can point to as being a problem - is my continued lack of sleep. yes, the machine that's supposed to be my ally in my battle with insomnia has switched sides and is now conspiring to keep me awake. this is frustrating since the reason i got the machine in the first place was because i was waking up feeling less than rested. now i still wake up like that, only it's from actual lack of sleep instead of lack of deep sleep. i'm going to give it one more night, which will make it a full week, and if it doesn't seem to be getting better, i'm going to call the doctor and see if i'm doing something wrong or if i'm one of those people who does not benefit from use of the machine. how i long for a good night's sleep...

still trying to find a rhythm to my break. yesterday i did four hours of yard work, in the heat, which meant i was a sweaty mess by the time lunchtime came and did not feeling much like eating. but i got the weeds pulled up for the most part and the lawn mowed, so there's some sense of accomplishment. but the rest of the day was spent recovering for the most part. today has been good as i've gotten some more stuff taken care of, but still i'd like to set aside some time for writing and for exercising and not spend so much time confined to the comfy chair. we'll see what happens.

of course, i would be more active without my latest adventure in time suckage. not that i'm complaining...

thinking i might need to go take a nap, which given my sleep problems is probably not a good idea. but since i'm not sleeping, i'm tired. ah, vicious cirlce, how i hate thee.

odd...i thought i had more to share. it will probably come to me later.
Æ

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Now playing: The Seedy Seeds - Grace
via FoxyTunes

so much for having time to write

second official day of break and this is the first time i've had to sit down and write. ok, not quite true. i've had time, but not the desire. energy. whatever.

school's out. this makes me happy. ecstatic. whatever.

i sense a trend. a theme. whatever.

been an uneventful couple of days, and both included trips to mason, which makes it feel like break hasn't officially started yet. actually, i think it will be monday before i start to really feel it. right now it seems like a long weekend. i did discover something today: i am definitely going to have to find some kind of rhythm to my days. i had great plans today but they were sapped by the unseasonably hot weather. really? 95 in june? isn't that a bit ridiculous? i think so. so much for the yard work i hoped to get done. can't say i miss being a sweaty mess, though. praise God for air conditioning.

from the decisions that may come back to haunt me file: as i went to check out on wednesday, i was stopped by one of the secretaries who asked for my peer observation forms. one problem: i didn't have any. see, as part of our staff development, we were supposed to take one of our plan bells and go observe another teacher teaching in the belief we become better teachers by seeing what others do. and i agree with the sentiment. only, most plan bells i was busy doing other things like, well, planning and grading. and with a student teacher, it slipped my mind. and even though i agree with the sentiment, i didn't care enough to actually do it. fatal flaw, thy name is apathy. now, i could have simply done what some other teachers i've talked to did - simply find a fellow colleague to sign the form for you and turn it in. but that would be lying. so rather than do that, i simply said i didn't do it, which i'm sure will bring about negative consequences of some sort. guess i should feel good about being honest, but actually i don't feel much of anything at the moment.

sunday i'm teaching during our weekly gathering at st. e's. i have a good sense of what direction i want to go, but need to do a little more praying/thinking/studying. not nervous...yet. but i can see it coming. always tough being an instrument of God.

am getting excited about my trip to denver already. alexa called and said there may be the possibility of a camping excursion while i'm there - in wyoming. this was totally rock. i hope it works out, though really, being that close to the mountains will be good for my soul as will seeing good friends.

finally acquired my bi-pap machine. been two nights of misery, but last night was better than the first, so i have great hope it will continue to be better. of course, since the machine is keeping me up, i'm not seeing the benefits of the machine yet. looking forward to the day i sleep through the night with the machine. here's hoping the benefits outweigh the hassle.

went and saw son of rambow tonight. cute. that's the word that comes to mind. good, uplifting way to spend a friday night. much better than most of what's in the theaters now. not sure what the next movie on my list is. did pick up a couple dvds at blockbuster yesterday - bourne identity, waitress and before the devil knows your dead. haven't seen the latter, but heard great things about it. and i like the cast. and it only cost me 3.33, so i took a chance. i'll let you know.

time to fight the machine. i hope it's gentle tonight. will need the energy tomorrow - helping tear down the beauty set and then have chris's party. crazy.
Æ

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Now playing: Elton John - Tiny Dancer
via FoxyTunes

five down (almost), twenty-five (at least) to go

one more day with students. two more days of official school business. and now i have to be up there on thursday for some training for my auditorium tech job, but it includes lunch and is definitely worth it. but tomorrow is the last day i have to get up at 5AM for a while. you have no idea how ecstatic this makes me. no, really, no idea.

graduation was an excellent end to the year once again. since the ceremony is held at the cintas center, practically in my backyard, i walked again. and was a sweaty mess by the time i got there. at least this time i brought a towel with me to help with the cool down process. next year i'll have to bring a change of shirts. stupid overactive cooling system.

nearly six hundred graduates this year. i am always amazed at how many of the students i had little to no interaction with. so different from my student teaching experience where every senior was in one of my classes. i wish sometimes i could be a part of a smaller community where we got to know every student. but the number i did know was significant enough to make it a meaningful celebration. so great to see students taking that final step toward...(i almost said adulthood but anymore it's just the next stage of an extended adolescence. now is not the time to talk about that). and so great to see the joy on their faces as they walked out of the ceremony and saw the teachers lining the hallways, high-fives and handshakes and hugs punctuating congratulations and expressions of relief from both students and teachers. it was not the time to wonder what lie ahead, but the time to celebrate what they had accomplished. the future will wait one more day.

i did have one complaint: it seems to me if you spend three to five years of your life getting your masters degree, you should be allowed to wear your hood. if you can't wear it at graduation, when else are you going to get to wear it? i'm just sayin'.

stayed late after school to get as much grading as i could done before the final batch of exams. all the journals and late work are tallied up now. while first and second bell take theirs, i'll be grading the essay portion of fourth and fifth bell. then hopefully during third bell exam (my plan) i'll be able to get through a significant portion of first and second bell's exams. that will leave only their final reading reflection and any late work turned in tomorrow. the goal is to be completely done with grading by the time i step out the door in the afternoon so wednesday i just have to pack up my stuff and get the heck out of the dodge. here's hoping for a smooth transition to summer life.

for any of my faithful readers in the cincy area, i will be teaching this coming sunday morning in our weekly celebration at st. e's. 10:00AM. the question? what is God calling you away from. at least that's where i think God is leading. we'll see.

brian called today and told me he's bought his plane tickets for the tom waits show at the end of june. i need to figure out where we're going to stay - he flies into columbus on friday night and leaves sunday afternoon, so no use driving all the way back to cincy. i'll check with some of the friends we have up there - surely someone will put two wayfaring souls up for a couple of nights. i hope. looking forward to seeing brian again, especially since it will include seeing tom waits, too. we're trying to organize some kind of social gathering before the show. guess i should look into that as well. at least there's time for that.

last night i put together an over the rhine compilation for my friend kurt's wife. i probably should have been grading, but this was much more fun. i took two song from each of their major releases and one live track from besides. i left off the christmas songs. was tough whittling it down. here's the list, organized chronologically by cd (in case someone wants to compare it to what they'd put on such a cd).

If I'm Drowning
Paul And Virginia
Circle Of Quiet
Rhapsodie
Sleep Baby Jane
Bothered
My Love Is A Fever (Live)
Latter Days
Poughkeepsie
The World Can Wait
Moth
B.P.D.
Nobody Number One
Drunkard's Prayer
Who Will Guard The Door
Trouble
Don't Wait For Tom

not a bad retrospective, if i do say so myself. and i do.

ok, time for bed. here's hoping i get everything done. come glorious end, so i might begin again.
Æ

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Now playing: Johnny Cash & Nick Cave - Cindy (With Nick Cave)
via FoxyTunes