the ride

All summer, my friend Steve had been asking me to join him on a long bike ride between Columbus and Cincinnati. He had discovered the joys of bicycle commuting and wanted to put his re-kindled love for riding to a serious test. None of this tooling around the neighborhood or short jaunts on the bike path. Steve had a dream, and when he dreams, he dreams big.

He is also relentless. At least twice a week he would ask me if I was still up for riding from Columbus to Cincinnati and at least twice a week I would say it sounded great, but I would have to check my schedule, which, while honest, wasn’t exactly the truth. That’s not to say I wasn’t interested; three years ago I had followed my own desire to do a century – riding a 100 miles in a day – and it was one of the most memorable experiences I’ve had recently. But as the summer dragged on, I realized my goal of losing the extra 20 pounds I’d packed on since my last ride remained only a goal and by the time Labor Day rolled around, I hadn’t been on a bike since I’d had my gall bladder removed – in July.

So I looked for ways to get out of it. I hinted at my lack of training. I pointed to the stress of beginning a new school year. I alluded to the logistical problems involved in biking between cities. But Steve would have none of it. He was determined and I had made a promise, and though logically it was stupid for someone as out of shape as I was, I was taking this ride, one way or another.

After crashing in Columbus at the home of two kind and generous souls, the alarm went off at 5:00AM and we loaded up our bikes and hit the streets of Columbus well before the sun began to rise. Riding through the darkened neighborhoods in the cool of the morning got my adrenaline going and by the time we stopped to take a couple of pictures along the river, I was actually looking forward to the rest of the ride. I felt good. I felt rested. I felt ready to conquer the trail and emerge triumphant at the end.

And then the pain set in.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt the burn of muscles not used to being used, but in many ways it’s similar to eating especially hot salsa – you’re better off if you keep going because when you stop, that’s when the real ache begins. We were just past West Jefferson when my body began to revolt. I had hoped it was temporary, but while Steve moved ahead at a comfortable pace, I was struggling to keep my bike moving forward. This was bad. No, seriously, this was really, really bad.

By the time we coasted into London and found nothing but fast food restaurants open for eating, I was a wreck. Steve could tell I was hurting and so could the bikers (motors, not pedals) who pointed us toward a restaurant in the next town, South Charleston. Hard to hide the fact that your body is ready to curl up into a fetal position until the pain goes away. But in the interest of finding an eatery with local flavor, I agreed to wait to eat until we went a few more miles down the path.

This, too, was a mistake. See, I hadn’t eaten anything all day, other than some trail mix. I figured out later this was why my legs were burning. But those few miles from London to South Charleston was the worst. pain. ever. I kept alternating between cursing and saying the Jesus Prayer over and over again (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me and my stupid legs). By the time we pulled into the Blue Point Café, I was ready to give in and admit I was too out of shape to go any farther. I’d figured it all out – someone could come and get me and the bike, drive me back to Cincinnati, and I’d be recovering in my bed before the sun set that night.

Luckily, I decided to see how I felt after eating before announcing to Steve my plan to abandon him. The protein from the burger and the pitcher of water I drank soothed the burn in my legs and after a break down by the head of the trail, I felt human enough to pack up and ride again. I popped on my iPod, determined to make it to Xenia before dark. I wasn’t going anywhere fast, and the burn got bad a few times, but I was able to push through the pain and even began to enjoy the ride a bit as the sun beat down on us. Unfortunately, this part of the ride wasn’t so kind to Steve’s bike – he lost three spokes and his back tire wobbled like a drunken clown. So we loaded his panniers on my bike, called ahead to find an open bike shop and took it easy the last few miles to Xenia.

While Steve’s bike was fixed, I called my friend Candice and got the phone number for the Xenia Holiday Inn. The thought of a bed and a pool excited me in ways I wasn’t completely comfortable with. We got one of the last rooms available (stupid soccer tournaments) with no discount, but I probably would have paid any price at that point. We walked the bikes up and I collapsed on the bed while Steve took a shower. Lying there, I was sure there was no way for me to make it any farther. I could be proud of my ride – 65 miles with no training is nothing to be ashamed of. And I knew my parents would be in Beavercreek for church the next morning and could come and get me with little hassle. But again, I kept it to myself because, well, I hate confrontation and I didn’t want to spoil Steve’s mood.

We got on our bikes one last time (much to my chagrin) and headed down to the Mexican restaurant next to the bike shop. After a filling and tasty meal, we went back to the room. We both toyed with hitting the pool, but sleep won out and we crashed – Steve around 8:00, me and my insomnia around 10:00 PM. As usual, I woke up five hours later at 3AM and practiced in my head how I would tell Steve I wasn’t going in the morning. I knew he’d be disappointed, but I also figured he’d understand after my misery of the day before. I had it all worked out – he could take my phone and I would take his extra weight so he could make it back to Norwood quicker than having to wait on me all the time. For me to go on would just be to save my ego and I knew that was a stupid reason to risk serious harm.

But then we walked to Bob Evans for breakfast and it never came up and we got back and the next thing I knew Steve had his bike all loaded and ready to go. It was now or never. I told him I didn’t think I could make it, that I would wait here and my parents would come and pick me up. It was for the best. He looked sad and simply said maybe I was just in a food coma after breakfast and would feel better once we got on the road. That’s all it took – I sucked it up, put on my riding clothes, loaded up my Camelbak and we hit the road for the final 55-60 miles.

Day two was rather uneventful compared to day one. I was far more familiar with this stretch of the path from my earlier rides. Plus I did a much better job of staying hydrated and fed and while I had serious saddle sores, my legs and conditioning did much better. At least until we hopped off the bike path just south of Loveland and headed into Indian Hills. I should have known I was in trouble because of the name. It felt like all we did for the next several miles was climb and climb and climb some more with no downhill on the other side. I think I spent more time walking my bike than I did riding it. It didn’t help that it was the middle of the afternoon and close to 90 degrees. When I started getting chills, I knew we had to stop before heat exhaustion set in. So we stopped at the Kenwood Chipotle where I drank some juice and water and Steve ate a burrito and tried to convince me to get my picture taken with the Red Bull Girls who had walked in. I barely escaped the embarrassment.

Thirty minutes later we pulled into Norwood, and though exhaustion seeped out of every pore of my body, the thrill of having ridden 124.44 miles reminded me that sometimes you can do far more than you ever imagined, though it might mean you have to go through severe moments of pain to get there. And never underestimate the power a friend’s encouragement can give – even if you didn’t want to hear it. Æ

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quite the weekend

Sitting here, waiting for my clothes to dry, exhausted from the weekend and yet no closer to sleep than normal. I had hoped to get all my laundry done earlier, but instead of lying around comatose all day, I decided to keep my promise and head up to Bethany's for a cookout. Certainly am glad I did (more on that later).

Also glad I kept my other obligation for the weekend. Sometime early this summer, Steve began asking me if I would be up for taking a ride over Labor Day weekend from Columbus to Cincinnati. At first I was all for it, thinking I would get the chance to ride plenty over the summer and thus would be in good shape for the ride. Unfortunately, I didn't ride as much as I hoped and the closer we got to Labor Day, the more I began to feel perhaps I had cashed the proverbial check my body couldn't keep. Sure, I had done a century before, but that was three years back after a summer of riding. I hadn't been riding since my trip to Colorado back in July. I probably should have told Steve I wish I could, but my body just isn't up for it. But either ego or fear of confrontation (most likely both) kept me from saying anything.

So there I was, Friday night, after a tasty meal at Buca di Beppo, hitching a ride with our friend Mandy to be dropped off somewhere near the OSU campus to begin our adventure. Trepidatious doesn't begin to describe how I felt. But I had made a promise and I intended to keep it, even if it meant my corpse lying somewhere on the bike path between London and Cincy (I figured I'd make it at least to London, though as it turned out, I was almost wrong). Sleep stayed away, per usual, and even as we got ready at O'Dark Thirty in the morning, I wondered if I'd made a huge mistake.

I'll spare you the details for now, mostly out of respect for Steve (without whom I would have indeed ended up in a fetal position on the path), who is writing an article for CityBeat. But I will say we did indeed make it, 124.44 miles in two days. And other than some excruciating spaces and a brush with heat exhaustion, I had a great, great time. Two thoughts:

1. Just because you could doesn't mean you can; and just because you couldn't doesn't mean you can't.
2. Sometimes life turns out far better than you could have hoped, even if it's quite painful at times.

As for the other promise, I spent the afternoon with some old friends and acquaintances from college at my friend Bethany's in Mount Sterling (yes, I drove all the way back up to the Columbus area. Question my sanity at your leisure). I had every intention of not going - my body ached and I had other things I needed to get done (like laundry and grocery shopping). But when I called to check on the details, I decided I wanted to go. Turns out they were meeting at 11:30 and since I waited to call until 10:00, I was going to be a little late. But turns out, not too much. Arrived around noon, well before food was served. Jonna was there and we all had the chance to reminisce a bit about Dave and laugh. We lived the cliche - we sat around and talked about the old days and how much everything had changed since we were in college (which we had started 20 years ago - oh dear Lord when did we get so old?), but also shared our current lives. 'Twas a wonderful day spent with friends. Big thanks to Bethany for once again being the perfect hostess. We always talk about doing more of this - here's hoping we do more than talk this time.

OK, laundry should be done and then I need to get to sleep. Practice OGT for the students tomorrow - should be really, really, really boring. Maybe I'll jot down my thoughts on the ride for later sharing. Betcha can't wait... Æ

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Now playing: R.E.M. - Radio Free Europe
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the first week

The 2008-2009 school year did not start well. There's always some struggle to transition from summer mode to school mode, but this year, when that early alarm went off Monday morning, it took all I had within me to just get out of bed, forget trying to muster up an iota of excitement for the school year.

I started the day with my final trek to morning prayers for the summer (sadness) and then drove up to Mason. First on the agenda - a meeting with the AXA representative from the school. This sounded like a good idea a the time and then I remembered why I tend to avoid those kinds of meetings - my brain implodes whenever I think about financial matters. I know it's important and vital and poor Alex did an excellent job of presenting my options, but about ten minutes in he turned into the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoon. He attempted to get me to sign up right then, but I told him I had to look it over first, which was true, since I had no grasp whatsoever on what I was signing.

Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of my torture via financial planning. My second error of judgment was agreeing to meet my insurance agent that day. You know, get all my meetings out of the way at once. Yet what I thought was going to be a brief look at my coverages turned into two hours of being sold more things I didn't understand. I had hoped to finish the meeting and have about an hour before my next meeting to eat lunch. Instead, I ended up being walking in late and being challenged to find a seat for the next three and a half hours of my life - diversity training.

This I was not looking forward to.

Don't get me wrong - I think diversity is a great thing and I am all for teachers and staff being more sensitive to other staff and teachers. But I usually leave meetings like this crushed under the burden of guilt for what I have done and what I have left undone. Which I suppose is the point, but I've gotten to the place where I've decided life is too short to feel guilty all the time. The "training" went faster than I had thought, which was good and the group presenting did an excellent job outlining the challenges. But after three hours thinking about finances and no lunch as an opening band, I was not a happy camper by the end of the day. And I didn't get to spend nearly enough time getting my room and everything ready. Which meant I had to do it all on Tuesday. I still don't have a firm grasp on just how long it takes to get everything ready for the first day. At least I don't seem to be alone.

Then Wednesday. I was the teacher everyone hates - I gave a writing assignment the first day. 20 sentences on writing - what they thought of it, what they liked, didn't like, etc. It meant for once I didn't spend the first day talking for hours at a time, but it also meant that after day one, I was already behind on my grading.

Day two came- I gave a "pop quiz" over my syllabus to see who had read it. No one got all the answers right. Since I was using it primarily as a means to go over my policies, I gave students full credit if they starred the correct answers for the ones they missed. I still had students who didn't get all the points. This was my fourteen hour day because the powers that be thought we should have Open House the second day of school and it seemed silly to drive all the way home only to turn around and come back. At least I had one parent in each of my classes - that doesn't always happen.

Finally, Friday was the summer reading test (Tuesdays With Morrie). I've decided summer reading is not accomplishing its purpose. We ask them to read to keep their brains from completely atrophying over the summer, but the majority read it the night before the test or not at all, and so I end up with students getting 18/60 on an easy, easy test. My solution? We need year-round school. But I don't see that happening for at least another decade, so a trip to the drawing board is in order methinks.

There's lots of other stuff that happened - Rob Lewin's birthday party, fighting with Old Navy and losing miserably, a spirited talk during house church about the body of Christ, catching up with old friends to name a few - but I've used up all my writing energy for the evening. Here's hoping once school finds it's groove that I'll be able to be a bit more consistent. Night! Æ

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Now playing: Two Cow Garage - All Sins Forgiven
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last days of summer

And I'm wasting it! Why am I here, typing away on a computer when I should be out enjoying the weekend and the break from the mounting work load of school? Why aren't I sucking the marrow out of life? Carpe Diem!

Oh right. Because it's 90+ degrees with 780% humidity out and the second I step outside of my climate-controlled house I will turn into a disgusting, sweaty mess. This does not appeal to me.

I do need to make a library run - Never Let Me Go is nearly past due and my copy of Lamb : the gospel according to Biff, Christ's childhood pal is waiting to take me on a near-blasphemous trip through Christopher Moore's mind. I can't wait. Here's hoping I don't sweat all over the books, warping them and spoiling the reading experience for some future borrower. Maybe I'll walk really, really slow.

Catch up time. The end of summer was marked by several wonderful events, which for the sake of time will only get a cursory mention instead of the in depth treatment they deserve. Again, blame it on school. The King's X/Extreme show rocked. Couldn't have asked for better weather or better friends to share it with. KX put on a great set, a mix of old and new that if there is any justice in the world won them a few more new fans. Doug was in excellent voice and Ty and Jerry played well. They were missing a touch of showmanship, but oh the sound. Definitely helped being only a handful of rows from the front (thanks Brandon!). I'd never seen Extreme before and they put on an excellent show as well. Gary Cherone is an entertaining showman, though he teetered on the line of self-parody at times (and bore an odd resemblance to Ben Stiller with his hair short). Nuno still has fingers stolen from the devil himself and his playing was stellar. I got some pics, but haven't found a place to post them yet. Maybe I'll do that this afternoon while I'm pretending to be agoraphobic.

I got to make a quick trip up to Canton/Stow/Kent the next day. Met Jenna and Courtney at Jen's house and we lounged around the pool for the afternoon and shared tales of the school year past and anticipation for the one upcoming. Adorable rugrats kept us entertained, which is probably how most of our get togethers will go for the next few years. I also was interviewed for someone's doctoral thesis - she's studying second career teachers and how education programs may better serve them. Interesting to revisit the transition again, do a little evaluation of my experience, see how much cross over there actually is between what I do and what I used to do.

I also got to see Candice one last time before our respective worlds blew up with the start of school. We met at Barnes & Noble and shared our vacation stories and then met Aimee at The Chang for dinner. Always good to catch up, especially since I walked away feeling encouraged as usual. Everyone should have friends like that. I hope you do.

Last weekend (geesh, was it only a week ago) was the Garey family reunion up in Columbiana. Dad is still on bedrest, so I drove up early Saturday morning to drive my mom (and her carfull of items for the auction) up to my cousin Elaine's house. Made for a long day - eleven plus hours of driving once I finally got home around 1:30 AM. But worth it. My Aunt Mary (my grandma's sister) was there and shared the history of the family, which was great. I'm hoping to procure a copy so I can keep it somewhere. So much I've never realized. Was great seeing all the cousins and their spouses and kids. Strange to think I'm the same age my parents were when I remember going to reunions. There was talk about passing on the responsibility to "the next generation" and I realized they were talking about us. Wait, I'm not old enough for that yet, right? Right?

Good to spend some quality time with mom, too. Wasn't sure how it would go, but we had a good time on the drive - I even got her to watch Juno on my iPod. We had hoped Jen would join us, but the night before the reunion her next door neighbor pounded on her door at 12:30 AM, accused her of sideswiping her car and then punched her in the face (?!). I am not making this up. She ended up with a black eye and was in court this past Tuesday for it. Only my sister.

Last Sunday I met with the pastoral council of VC to talk about ordination. Not mine specifically, per se, but the idea of ordination and how it fits in this community. Traditionally ordination has been saved for those earning their livelihood by working in the church. However, since VC doesn't pay its leaders, that criteria doesn't really work. Ordination has also been the mark of those ordained by the church to administer the sacraments. But with our house church set up, those are not reserved only for the ordained. So the question has become, "What does ordination mean in this context?" with a side order of "Should we even be ordaining people?" I gave a brief account of my journey and talked about my own feelings and then we discussed some of the issues facing us as a community. Was good to be part of the discussion and though nothing was settled, it's comforting to see us wrestling with this and not rushing in willy-nilly so to speak. More conversation lies ahead and I'm looking forward to seeing what we decide.

Which brings us up to the beginning of the school year, which I believe I will save for a separate post since this one is already on the lengthy side and there are events from this past week I am still trying to sort through. Nothing too terribly serious, just my entire financial future. Even typing that much makes my head throb.

Off to face the heat. If you're walking in Norwood and see a book floating in a hairy puddle of sweat, you'll know my worst fears came true and I have indeed melted away. Be careful where you walk - would hate to ruin your shoes... Æ

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Now playing: King's X - Goldilox
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friday afternoon crash

Year six has begun. Three down, one hundred seventy-seven to go. One of the aspects of teaching I always seem to forget is just how exhausted I am come 3:00 Friday afternoon. I got home today and crashed. Hard. No movement from the comfy chair. Woke up around 5:15 completely disoriented. Of course, that means I'll most likely be up 'til the wee small hours of the morning tonight, which is why I've agreed to go see The Dark Knight again. Might as well do something if I can't sleep. Plus I've been meaning to see it a second time, see what I think experiencing it again.

Will try to do a longer post later about the end of summer/beginning of the year, but for now I need to catch up with some Facebook peeps. Just wanted to make sure people who actually come here didn't think I'd completely abandoned them. Blame it on the school year. I know I do.
Æ

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Now playing: Violent Femmes - Black Girls
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reasons why I should keep a calendar, #546

There it was, Thursday afternoon, and I'd just returned from my lunch catching up with Bea, looking forward to a little time before I had to run down to Dr. Crafton's office for my follow up appointment. I checked my email, as I always do, and found one from Ted at Falcon Theatre. They're producing The Boys Next Door this fall and hadn't cast all their roles during the first round of auditions and were having a second round that night and wanted to know if I was interested. Now I had heard they were doing Boys while doing The House of Blue Leaves, but didn't see any audition information until right before they occured - and they were happening the day I was having my surgery, so I wrote them off. So I emailed Ted, asked him when auditions were and made plans to go down, see what would happen.

Unfortunately, my doctor's appointment ran late (4:30 appointment - in to see the doctor at 5:40, out around 6:00), which left me no time to prepare or change clothes like I had hoped. So I headed down to Monmouth and waited for auditions to begin. Only a handful of men were there, some who probably had already been cast, others called in to fill the remaining roles. I knew a little bit about the play, but not much and looking at the script it looked like a great time would be had by all involved. Ted had mentioned they were still looking for a Norman, which is the role I came in to read for (we'll save psychological barriers to auditioning for the "fat guy" role for some other time). I didn't nail the audition, but felt pretty good about it, considering the late notice and the lack of prep time, and knew I had a good chance of getting the part.

Since I'm rarely in Newport (and I had been cleared by my doctor to eat anything again), I decided to grab a steak hoagie. While I waited, I called the 'rents - dad had been released from the hospital and was home. While we chatted about his recovery and such, I told them about the auditions and as we talked, it finally struck me - the show would go up weekends in October, 10-25. The back of my brain began to tingle...something was going on then. And I then realized what it was - Grandma Allen's 80th birthday party would take place on closing night. Devastation. I'd just done something I despise - auditioning for a role I could not play. I thought about contacting the director that night, but realized I had no contact information for him. I suppose I could have emailed Ted, but no guarantee I'd catch him before the director called me.

So I decided to think about it overnight, hoping beyond hope I'd find some solution, but knowing I was just going to have to tell him I couldn't do it when he called. Having directed before, I know how hard casting is and how frustrating it is when you think you have everything figured out only to have it come tumbling down. But better now, at the beginning, than once rehearsals started. Was tough talking to him, my guilt in overdrive, but I explained the situation and apologized profusely. I know I can justify all this - last minute notice about auditions, family obligations, etc. - but I still feel bad. Leaves them in a bind and me looking unprofessional.

The moral of the story: I need a calendar. That I use.

Off to see X-Files this afternoon with Julie. Reviews have been less than glowing, but it will be good to see Mulder and Scully again. We're driving to Florence since they're the only theater still showing matinées. A little more nostalgia for my summer - will remind me of Sunday evenings in Lansing when we'd watch new episodes, what, ten years ago now.

I need to stop having thoughts like this - makes denial much harder.

Off to see King's X/Extreme tomorrow. Sounds like we may have a good crowd, though I've yet to hear from my out-of-towners - looks like I might need to make a phone call find out what's going on. Then Monday I'm off to Canton/Stow/Kent/Cuyahoga Falls to see the gang and participate in the first of several interviews for someone's masters (doctoral?) thesis. We'll see how it goes. Then it's time to start thinking about the "S" word again. Bleah. Not quite there mentally yet. Better come soon - only a week left. Æ

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Now playing: Rhett Miller - Meteor Shower
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idle hands and all that

Today I had nothing planned. I woke up at the usual 7:10AM, walked down to St. E's for morning prayers, walked back to my house and then didn't leave the house again until I went to evening prayers at 9:00. So what happened in the 13 hours between? Very, very little. Watched TV. Uploaded some pics to Facebook. Sent an email or two. Fixed lunch. Read. Took a nap. Fixed dinner. Nice to have a day to do nothing, though too many of them would drive me crazy.

Tomorrow will more than make up for it - prayers, Half-Price Books grand re-opening (I'm hoping to score a free tote bag), lunch with Bea at Panera, doctor's appointment, flash fiction. Feast or famine I suppose.

Dad's back to eating solid food and will probably get out of the hospital on Friday. He won't be able to drive for a while, so either Jen or I will have to drive mom up to the reunion in a couple of weeks. I wasn't sure I was going to make it - it's the weekend before school starts and I have an important meeting on Sunday afternoon, but the reunion itself is on Saturday and we can probably do an up and back, though we're talking 9+ hours in the car. Zoinks!

Doing nothing all day has left me brain dead. Enough trying to find stuff to write about. I'm bored just writing it. Æ

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Now playing: Stevie Nicks - Edge Of Seventeen
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do you believe in coincidence?

This morning I watched an episode of The West Wing and it ended with a montage over Ryan Adams "Desire." Then as I got out of the shower this morning, "Desire" was playing on my iTunes, which I leave on random. I have 14,801 songs on my iTunes - any math wizards out there able to tell me the possibility that that song would just happen to play? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Am hating the rain. Hope it doesn't cancel Jake Speed and the Freddies. But I'll go down anyway, just in case. At least I know my tire's fixed.
Æ

here is what I don't understand

I really don't want to belabor this point, but here it is, nearly one in the morning and I am more awake now than I am in the middle of the day. I took no nap today, I had no caffeine, yet once again I sit here knowing I should be heading to the land of slumber, but not particularly excited about staring into the darkness for another hour or so. Machines haven't helped, neither have drugs, neither has advice. And in two weeks' time it becomes vital I'm in bed before 11:00. I'm not giving up hope yet, but I am getting a little....tired of this.

Last day of self-imposed recovery. No more lying around doing little tomorrow (he says, knowing full well he'll probably do plenty of lying around tomorrow). Up early for prayers, off to Tire Discounters to get my tire looked at and my brakes checked and anything else they can help me with. Hoping if I get there early I won't have to wait too long, but we'll see. Need to be out by 11 so I can go hear Jake Speed down at Piatt Park. Free show. How could I not go? Then to the store to pick up salad for house church and home to clean up before the gang gets here. And I need to try and get details together for this weekend's King's X/Extreme excursion so I can e-mail everyone that expressed interest. Sometime soon I probably should think about cleaning up the downed limbs in my back yard from the storm we had while I was in Colorado.

Sometimes I think I blog just so I have a list of things to do the next day.

Drove up to Dayton Sunday to see dad in the hospital - he'd been experiencing some pain in his stomach while I was in Colorado and then was home when I returned, then went back into the hospital Friday and they did surgery on Saturday. I'll probably screw this up, but had something to do with a hernia and his lower intestine and some petrified vegetable matter clogging up the works. So they went in, fixed the hernia, took out the affected area and reattached the intestine. Sounds fun, no? He had a fever Sunday morning, but by the time I got there, it had gone down and he was doing well. He was a bit on the grumpy side and I can definitely see where I get my aversion to visitors when I'm sick. He'll be in for a few more days, until they're sure everything is flowing smoothly. Was supposed to start fruit juice today, but I guess he wasn't ready, so it will be tomorrow. Doctor said nothing was normal inside - my mom said she could have told them that without opening him up. My mom, the comedian.

Pop culture watch: I tried watching Mad Men tonight since everyone's been raving. None too impressed with the season premiere. Have another episode DVR'd, but not sure it's my kind of show. Am now through season six of The West Wing - I stopped watching during its initial run in season five once Sorkin left. Been fun catching up. I've decided I'm Toby, without the hot ex-wife. I worried a bit it was going to end up over-dramatic like ER with Wells taking over, but while there is some of that (how miserable can we make our favorite characters?), the writing hasn't been too bad. Not Sorkin, for sure, but at times Sorkinesque. Not sure I'll get through season seven by the time school starts and not sure I should. Summer's almost over and I should be outside. But it was good to have them while I recuperated from surgery. And much better than the real-life politics going on nowadays.

Oh yeah, the surgery went well, by the way, other than some minor weeping around one of the constellation of incisions on my midsection. Little bit of panic following surgery when the doctor asked who would be staying with me overnight. I kind of lied and told him Andy, who picked me up, would be with me. See, this seems to be something you should tell someone before surgery, not after. Not all of us live in normal households with other human beings. But all went well with no complications at all. My follow up with the doctor is on Thursday afternoon, so hopefully this will end my organ donation for quite a while. I did get more pics - Leah suggested I should post them for all to see. Or maybe I could frame them and hang them on my walls, kind of like people do with their kids.

I worry about me sometimes.

Gee, so much for typing making me tired enough to sleep. And I don't even have anything to rant and rave about this time. I did post the stuff I wrote on my trip, so you can go back and see what randomness went through my head on my vacation. No pics - that will have to come later. Maybe with my gall bladder shots. You can barely contain your excitement, I'm sure.

Time to at least try to sleep. Maybe reading will help me fall asleep - in the middle of Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go, recommended by Jenna to go along with my adventures in organ "donation." Such a clever girl that one. To bed, to bed, to bed.
Æ

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Now playing: The Black Crowes - Jealous Again
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vacation's over - time for surgery!

it seems my blog has been having an averse effect on some people, so i put a warning up. just trying to be a conscientious blogger.

leaving in about an hour for the hospital to have another useless organ removed, this time by choice. say goodbye to my gall bladder - we hardly knew ye (except for those moments you caused us excruciating pain).

stuck in a post-vacation hangover - will have to wait to update my blog for this weekend when i'm recovering. but my vacation was amazing, thanks to the great hospitality of alexa and ryan and shannon and paul. i couldn't imagine having a better time. i got to do everything i wanted and then some. stories to follow, as well as some pics.

be back soon!
Æ

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Now playing: Mugison - Mugiboogie
via FoxyTunes

Somewhere over a bunch of red states....

Joy! I'm in a row by myself - the businessman assigned to the seat next to me moved to an empty row. I was toying with the same, but being by the window made it a bit trickier to offer. Amazing how much better a trip can be when you can cross your legs.

E-mail from Brenda today - seems she might be in Cincy end of August and we're going to try and do dinner. She said we'd try and avoid talking about remarriage and divorce, though she did read my post and said I made a persuasive argument. Me, I'm still dealing with my own recent doubts. I wonder what love requires. Brent boiled it down to John 3:16 and love, which raises more questions in my head than it answers. What is the most loving action? Does love mean we can ignore the teachings of Christ? How do we determine if it's God's love or our own desires? We humans can rationalize anything - I know I don't trust myself to know what is most loving in a given situation. I'm more likely to go with my will than God's. Which I suppose is why I'm trying to sort this out now, relying on "religious dogma," instead of waiting until a situation arises.

Or maybe I'm just in avoidance mode.

The sun sets behind me and along with it my journey west. Was tough to leave - though I am looking forward to my own bed, I can't say I'm excited to be coming back to Ohio, with its heat and humidity and bugs and lack of mountains. I wonder how different life would be if I'd ended up in Colorado for grad school. Perhaps I'd have ended up back in Ohio anyway. I think part of my heart will always long to be in the mountains. They heal me and cleanse me in ways I do not understand. I know God can do the same in Ohio - I need to find those spaces. And I need to use them.

Will be interesting to see how sleep goes when I get back. Toward the end I was sleeping seven hours a night, give or take. Of course, I was on mountain time, so I was going to bed at 2-3 AM normal time some nights. Hard to believe I've only a couple weeks to get my act together. Where did my summer break go?

Still, lots to do before the 18th - gall bladder surgery, MST3K party, King's X/Extreme concert, trip to Kent, plus house church and flash fiction and as many activities as I can jam into my remaining time. Have to say though - this trip to Colorado certainly pushed this summer over the memorable edge. Glad I did it. thankful for friends who are willing to let me crash their lives for days at a time. Couldn't have asked for better hosts.

Another hour, hour and a half before we land. Think I'll try to read some and maybe drift off to sleep. Jen and James are supposed to pick me up - dad's still in the hospital. Hope they figure out what's wrong with him soon. He ate yesterday, which is a good sign. Night.
Æ

Denver Airport - Third and final time

No idea if this flight will be packed, but it probably will be. Timing's been good - got to the airport, ate a quick bite, moved smoothly through the security theatre, grabbed a Snickers for the flight, emptied my bladder and now am waiting to board. Should have started by now, but no such luck.

Ah, I wrote too soon. There's the announcement to board. More on the plane.
Æ

the last day

Last day in Colorado. I'm sitting in the Old Colorado City Library, killing some time before Paul comes to pick me up. And I just decided I can do this outside. And I just got a call from Paul, so this will be a short burst.

Yesterday, I rented a bike at a little place called Colorado Kite and Ski in Old Colorado City, which is why I'm here today, returning it. If you ever find yourself in need of a bike, I highly recommend the place - cheapest rate in town and they were willing to work with me so I could keep it overnight. No credit card deposit required. Made it quite enjoyable. OK, enough with the free advertising.

Took a ride out to Garden of the Gods, then down into Manitou Springs again, then back to the Springs and Paul and Shannon's. Lovely way to see the Garden, though that first hill exhausted me. I always think of Singles and the biker guy who claims "I like the way the world looks from a bicycle." Not even the threat of rain could ruin the ride. Lightning in the mountains made it more interesting. I was last at GotG on my personally infamous trip to Denver a decade ago. I still have pics from then, so I didn't take too many this time. Quite the view - and quite crowded. Glad I was on my bike. I am constantly amazed at how rocks can be beautiful (no offense, Scott). A different kind of beauty than the wooded mountains, but capable of stealing my breath nonetheless.

Am hoping to spend some time writing tonight at the airport, processing the trip a bit, trying to draw a line of story through what happened. Seems so long ago since Ft. Thomas, but it's only been a week. And the flight out even longer. I'm glad. Better than it feeling short.

Sarah wrote yesterday - she had talked to Shannon and knew I was here, but thought I had driven out. She asked if Shannon had done her married duty and tried to set me up. Had to laugh when I read that. I did get the chance to spend a couple of evenings with two lovely friends of Shannon's, but they definitely did not feel like set ups. Perhaps I've been too successful at cultivating the image of the content bachelor....

Paul is here. More later. Æ

Jose Muldoon's

Decided to do lunch. Could have gone back to the Marchese's but...I've been craving Mexican. And we might go somewhere else later, but...I wanted Mexican. Now. Instant gratification, I am they slave.

TMI moment - I'm a bit moist right now. Shirt is soaked with sweat, which is one reason I decided to sit outside - let the air dissipate any unfortunate odor and dry me off. I just hope the gaggle of girls next to me aren't too disgusted by my presence. Of course, they're to busy discussing the vagaries of the service industry to even notice me.

Listening to Shannon talk about her job in publishing got me thinking again of adapting Summers' Last into book form. It feels like it shouldn't be too difficult - the story is there, I would just need to add some more description. I want to ask Shannon what she thinks, but wonder if it would be taking advantage of our friendship. I don't know the etiquette on this. I've got 3 1/2 days to figure it out.

3 1/2 days of vacation left. Sad.

Mom called yesterday - dad had to go to the hospital - they thought it was a kidney problem, but they ruled that out and now think it's some kind of intestinal blockage. We Allen's and our gastric problems. Next week at this time I'll be recovering from my gall bladder surgery. Joy. Probably trying to squeeze too much in, but that's what breaks are for.

Lunch is done - not too impressed. Probably should have waited. Ah well, that's what vacations are for - taking chances. Æ

Columbine Trail

This is the way to spend a Saturday morning - on a trail in the mountains, the caress of a breeze on your face, an overcast sky clearing to a vivid blue. And sweet, sweet silence. For a weekend, I'm surprised there are not more people here. I've only passes one other hiker and seen a couple of riders. Voices have echoed periodically, but other than that I could be alone up here. Which is just what I wanted.

Spoke too soon. A couple other hikers just appeared. And I think they want the bench I'm sitting on. Why should I feel guilty? No reason. I was here first. And yet I do.

Been listening to God here in the silence. Candice reminded me before I left how significant Colorado has been in my life. 'Twas ten years ago that God shook me from my path and set me on another. Nothing earth shaking this time. No grand revelations. No serendipitous epiphanies. No wisdom brought down from the mountain. Not that God hasn't been here - hard to miss his footprints and fingerprints in this place. I do feel more grounded, more balanced than when I started, though sleep still eludes me. This trip has been healing, which I definitely needed.

So why do I wish it had been more?

Ridiculous, really. Expecting lightning to strike twice? Madness. And let's be honest - a little harder now to start over than it was ten years ago. But there's that fear of growing stagnant, complacent, seeking comfort more than adventure - or worse, comfort more than God's will. Yet I suppose still listening, still seeking what lies over the next mountain demonstrates a willingness to be surprised - and that alone should keep me from being too complacent.

I could stay here all day, but I should be headed back. We're off to Boulder tonight to see some Shakespeare - The Scottish Play, methinks. Been a while since I've seen it performed in its entirety. Here's hoping it's a good production. Æ

Red Rocks Canyon

Not to be confused with the amphitheater. This is in Colorado Springs. Came here instead of Garden of the Gods because 1) I've been to Garden of the Gods before and 2) fewer tourists. You can still here the distant sounds of civilization - cars, chain saws - but still quite peaceful. Thunder also rolls, which makes my stopping a bit risky, but I don't think the rain will come. Or maybe I should say hope.

The trade off Tuesday went swimmingly (pun intended). WaterWorld was quite fun, though I was reminded why I haven't been in over ten years. Besides the interminable waiting in lines for a 30 second ride, I was struck by the flesh factor - so much skin, so little covering. Wouldn't have been so bad were not 90% of the patrons not under the legal drinking age. Guess I felt just a bit...creepy. But the five of us (Ryan's brother Dane joined us) had great fun sliding and slashing our way through the day.

Then we went to a microbrewery called Hops and met Paul and Shannon. There's always some trepidation when your world's collide, even if it was your idea. But all turned out well. No forced conversations, no awkward silences. An excellent transition 'tween the halves of my trip. We said our goodbyes at Hops and then Paul, Shannon and I headed into Denver to see the Rockies demolish the Dodgers 10-1. If you don't really care about the teams, you definitely want a high scoring game, which is exactly what we got. Fantastic seats, along the third base line. A wonderful night at the ballpark.

Still facing the dilemma I wrote about earlier - why I don't live here. And I know the rasons, mostly coming down to momentum. But what would it take to spring me out here? two thoughts come to mind - work or love. Both of those require action on my part, so the odds, not so good. But God has done greater and more unexpected things. Time to be moving on. More if time allows. Æ

canoe-dling

At a small lake not far from Alexa's - decided to take a bike ride to give her a break from playing hostess. Plus I needed some alone time to recharge, to think, to write. Had planned on getting up early this morning and writing, but my old friend insomnia stopped by and kept me up 'til the wee hours. So much for my hope that a change of scenery might help.

did I mention how amazing the scenery is here? Again, I'm faced with the question, "Why is it again I don't live here?" Add to that the amazing bicycle paths and lanes they have here and I truly have to question what holds me in Ohio - other than family, friends, an amazing church community, a house payment, a great job...OK, so sacrifices would have to be made...

Took my first trip to the great state of Wyoming. Went with Ryan, Alexa, Marcus and Ryan's friend Ethan and Ethan's mom and dad Bob and Carel. We drove up Friday night and set up camp in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, but ended up being a beautiful campsite right by the North Platte River. We woke up early and dropped off one of the cars at Pick Bridge, then drove through Saratoga up to Treasure Island, about 20 miles up river.

WARNING: This next part of the story will give you a terrifying look into how my brain works. Enter at your own risk.

Since there were seven of us and only three canoes, it meant one canoe would have three people. So Ryan, Alexa and I went in their new canoe (The Pelican), with Alexa in front, Ryan steering and me in the middle. We pushed off into the current went about one canoe length and promptly flipped the canoe. Luckily, it was still shallow, so we drained the canoe, got everything bakc in and headed off. Two canoe lengths later we flipped again, this time spilling our lunch into the North Platte, plastic wrapped sandwiches and Clif bars doing a much better job at navigating the current than we had so far. I quickly deduced it was my fault we had flipped and even suggested perhaps it would be better if I stayed behind. I was after all the stranger here. And let's be honest - my added weight significantly increased the difficulty. Luckily, none of the acknowledged my suggestion and after some shifting around, I ended up sitting in the middle of Bob and Carel's canoe.

Now if you've ever been canoing, you know the center seat is either the best seat or the worst. If you like sitting back, doing nothing, enjoying the view, it's great. Unfortunately, I was looking for a little more than that. So while I sat there, doing nothing, my brain, as it tends to do sometimes, began to convince me I had ruined everyone's day, that I'd spoiled a beautiful day of canoing because I couldn't manage to stay in the boat. And sitting there, completely useless, seemed to me at the moment a metaphor for my life: fat, unbalanced, the dead weight, the proverbial third wheel. As always, I knew none of this was true - I'd been canoing and was rather good at it. But I felt it was true, and at that moment, nothing else mattered.

But a teh sun slid higher in the sky and the river slipped beneath us, the beauty and serenity of the landscape washed away my darkness. I climbed out of myself and became lost in God's grandeur breathing all around me. The ripple of the river. The languid flight of a pelican. The swallows swooping over the surface of the river. Bald eagles perched atop steely cliffs. This is what nature does - it draw us out of ourselves, our endless ponderings and reminds us we are but a part of a magnificent whole. It's hard to stare at your navel with a mountain looming over you.

After a couple hours on the river, we switched seating arrangements and I ended up in the front of Ethan's canoe. And suddenly my body remembered what it was doing and soon we were cruising down the river, pointing out bucks on the bank, drifting beneath an impossibly blue sky, laughing as Ryan and Marcus hit a tree and flipped their canoe. I even proved an excellent asset in the many water battles that marked the last half of our trip. And when we stopped on the shore and Ethan, the veteran of many a canoe trip, shook my hand and praised my canoing skills, the small, ugly voice that had haunted me in the morning, threw up his hands in disgust and evaporated in the Wyoming sun.

day three

Day three in Colorado, first time writing here, mostly because we've kept pretty active. Botanical gardens. LoDo. Cherry Creek. Airport. Ft. Collins. City Park. PF Chang's. Buying a canoe. Pus, it feels rude to sit and write while visiting.

Of course, it's just after 7:15 now and I've been up for over an hour and everyone else is asleep, so I sit here in an Adirondack chair staring at the hint of mountains in the distance, visited by family pets and trying to ignore the noisy squawking of the blue jays. I'd hoped being here would wake my slumbering muse, but she still dozes, oblivious to my need for her. I think back to my last visit here, must before the great train adventure and remember the words that poured from my pen, thoughts and insights that now seem written by someone long gone. What was it about that time? Was I more aware? More open? More awake?

Or perhaps it was because I had 10-12 hours a day on a train with nothing to do but write....

Lately I've felt like I've been stumbling through my days half-asleep and while the insomnia contributes some to that, there's something deeper going on. I'm broken inside, only I can't find the cause, only the symptoms. Sleeplessness, self-loathing, joylessness. An easy annoyance with life. A sense of being left behind, stuck watching others lives change and grow.

I am reminded again of the quote Karin shared during her talk in June - "Comparison is the thief of joy." How true and how difficult to live out.

I look at the horizon and know the beauty of the mountains in the distance, but the morning mist blurs and fades, giving only an impression of what lies there, obscuring their gradeur. But as the sun climbs the clouds behind me, the peaks become clearer, sharper, inspiring, beckoning. We see now through a glass darkly, but clarity will come. Slowly. In its own time. We cannot push it. We can only wait. Æ

a beginning

DIA, waiting for my flight to Denver to board. Vacation, 2008. I'm not nearly as excited as I thought I'd be, but then I've been up over 2 1/2 hours and it's not yet 8:00 AM, so tht might have something to do with it. Yet it's clear something's not right within me. Insomnia. Bursts of anger. Feelings of worthlessness. Abnegation of hope. Not the way you want to start a vacation. Of course, perhaps it's OK, proving the need I have for a vacation, a change of venue, of pace, of routine. I know there's something off-kilter, judging from the symptoms, but I cannot pinpoint what it is. Perhaps stepping back for a bit will help.

My brain is not here. Will write later. Going to start The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Mom said it was bittersweet. Definitely not what I need right now. But it's what I have. Æ

i lost my phone

we live in fascinating times. here i am, my phone left in the backseat of a friend's car, able to jump online and check to see if anyone has called my phone from my computer. there was a time not that long ago where an extended trip like the one i'm preparing to take meant expecting to be away from your phone for a while. now i'm driving up to mason tomorrow morning to make sure that doesn't happen. how swiftly time changes. the strange thing is, i had hoped to make a couple of phone calls tonight. and though no one ever calls, i'm afraid i'm going to miss a call tonight. don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, right?

i sat down this afternoon at moe's to try and write down some thoughts following the visitation for susan's husband, but nothing came. i have no words for a situation like this, for two little girls left wondering what happened to their father and if it means their cat and dog might leave them as well. i have no words for the swirl of emotions on susan's face as we methodically made our way through the line to where she stood, just in front of the casket. my feelings on visitations are well-documented and i won't go into them again. i only wish i had words that would help, or the power to take the pain away. but i do not. and quote woody all you want, but showing up for things like this rarely feels like success. it feels like the absolute least i can do.

the clouds have been following me all day, stealing my thoughts and distracting me from the thoughts still lingering about. right now they're shadowed against a dimming sky. this afternoon they were brilliant white in an impossibly blue sky. no ducks or figures or mythical creatures, just a reminder that life is filled with unimaginable beauty we miss every day because we're too busy staring into the abyss.

we're moving on.

blood work tomorrow morning. trip to mason to pick up my phone after that. home to probably mow my lawn, unless rain intervenes, which looks unlikely, dagnabit. do some laundry. start laying out what i need to pack. then back to the exact same building from the blood test for a meeting with my sleep doctor about my future with the damned bipap machine. then more prep for the trip. hard to believe it's coming so soon. it's times like this i wish i were a list maker, but i'm not, as it was at the beginning, so it is now and so it shall ever be, world without end. need to begin throwing stuff i want to take into a centralized location as i think of it so i don't leave stuff behind. which i will.

the museum has an exhibit going on now of photographs by gregory crewdson. you can do a google search to see some of his work. if you're in the cincy area or are going to be in the cincy area before oct. 5, check it out. huge prints of staged scenes that feel like captured moments from a david lynch film or a real-life version of a hopper painting. make sure you stop by the gift shop to look at the book beneath the roses before you leave. haven't been this taken with a photographer since peter lik.

enough for tonight. want to try and finish west wing season four before i leave tuesday. seems doable, especially since i don't sleep anymore. night. Æ

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Now playing: Patty Griffin - When It Don't Come Easy
via FoxyTunes

a couple of shots

took some time this afternoon and went down to the cincinnati art museum to get my art fix since the next art walk isn't until the end of august and to give me a chance to play with my new camera. below are a couple of the shots i took, coincidentally, both sculptures of eve.

Eve Disconsolate - Powers

Eve Hearing the Voice - Ezekiel

i was hoping to get a picture of another sculpture - Bacchant and Bacchante with a Cupid by Clodion - but it's either been removed or is in part of the museum being renovated. it inspired a poem of mine and i wanted a visual to go with the words. of course it's not one of the pics on the museum's website. will have to keep looking and hope it shows.

8:00 PM and i haven't eaten dinner yet. i want pizza, or something similar, but i can't get up the motivation to go and get it. could walk to larosas for a calzone, or betta's, though last time i had a betta's calzone was when i had my last gall bladder attack. being lazy and being hungry do not mix well.

i am full of depth tonight. off to forage for food. Æ

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Now playing: Luna - We're Both Confused
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loss

tonight, after discovering the one thing i thought i had planned today wasn't happening, i decided to bike up to steak n shake for some dinner and to try out my newly purchased bike rack and lights. while i was eating and reading from the practice of spiritual direction, i got a call from my friend andy. unfortunately, it was to relay sad news. my friend susan's husband died unexpectedly this week, leaving her with two young children to look after. i guess you never really get used to this, the surprising nature of death. my heart weeps for susan and her children. visitation is sunday afternoon and some of us are meeting at the high school to head over.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

i believe this, but then i'm not the one dealing directly with the loss. i hurt because susan does, but i cannot know the pain she is going through. but i trust God to surround her with those who can help. i pray for that.

i leave for denver in less than five days now. lots of stuff to get done between now and then. i have two doctor's appointments on monday and a hair appointment on tuesday. and i have to mow my lawn sometime before i leave. i've been putting it off so i can cut it right before i leave and let it grow while i'm gone. my only fear is rain will spoil my plans. guess i should check the weather for monday/tuesday. the goal is to head up to dayton on tuesday, see friends, spend time with the 'rents, and then get up way too early for my 8:30 flight. we'll see how well my plans work out.

it occurs to me that perhaps i should not be announcing to the world that i will be gone to colorado. but since i'll have people keeping an eye on my house, i'm not too concerned. not like anyone reads this anyway and those that do probably wouldn't break into my house. probably.

been spending my days watching the west wing. i figured since i was already tired of all the politics in the real world, i'd prefer to spend time with the politics i like. i miss the cadence of sorkin's writing. i miss the quirkiness of the characters. but i'm enjoying revisiting the bartlet years and it helps to remove the bitter taste of real life politics from my mouth. i'm into season four now and he's just slammed richie in the debate and won re-election. i'm not remembering as much from this season and soon i'll get to the later seasons when i stopped watching. why was that? oh that's right, i started teaching. silly me.

been playing with my camera - quite happy with my purchase. still learning how to use all the features and i'm not ready to post anything just yet, but might have a shot or two before i leave for colorado and if not, i know i'll have some upon my return. my favorite part is being able to delete shots - it allows me to play without wasting film. fun to see what different settings will do to the picture. not a big fan of the flash so far - i much prefer natural light when i can, though i know i won't be able to rely on that alone all the time. nice being a part of the digital age.

ok, time for sleep, if it comes. no alarm tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. seems to me six hours is about all i get anymore, not matter how early i go to bed. was in bed by 11 last night and woke up around 5 am. bleah. why can't i be normal? (insert your own joke here). night. Æ

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Now playing: The National - Start A War
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wideawake

gave up after 45 minutes of tossing and turning and decided to come in and try to type myself into sleepiness. not sure it will work, but the usual things are not helping and i'm trying to stay away from pills, especially since my alarm will sound in about 5 1/2 hours and the pills are good for eight. brain won't shut off, body won't cool down, so here i am. aren't you lucky?

guess now is as good a time as any to get into that glorious discussion of marriage and divorce and remarriage i keep yammering on about. first, however, a disclaimer or two. these thoughts are ones i am wrestling with. i don't claim to have all the answers - heck, i'm not even sure i'm asking the right questions. but to paraphrase brother merton, i believe my desire to please does in fact please. the following thoughts come from my interpretation of scripture. i have no "word of the Lord" or particular insight God has provided and much of the time i wish i believed otherwise because, well, it would make life less complicated. or more complicated, depending on how you see it.

enough stalling. i just wanted to make it clear the opinions expressed below are not necessarily the opinions expressed Above and if you already have rejected the thoughts from Above, then you're not going to think much of my thoughts below.

i don't think that made it clear, but i'm going to go on anyway.

back in seminary i came to the belief that in some circumstances, God does indeed permit divorce. this came from a reading of the usual old and new testament scriptures on marriage and divorce, specifically Christ's words in matthew, Paul's words in corinthians, and the storyteller's words in genesis about man and woman and one flesh. divorce is never the ideal and always a last resort, but there are times and places where the most loving action for both parties is to dissolve a harmful relationship. the other belief i came to during this time was that while divorce may be necessary at times, remarriage after divorce is not permitted under any circumstances.

i realize this seems like a grace-less position. how can someone be held responsible for decisions made at a young age? how can someone be held responsible for decisions made by another person? how can someone pay the price for another's sin? what kind of God would punish someone like that? what about grace? what about forgiveness?

originally, in the guarded ivory tower that is academia, those answers came easily. the example i used to use went something like this: a person in a moment of poor judgment has unprotected sex with a stranger and later discovers that they have an std. will God grant them forgiveness for their sin? of course. will he take away the consequence of that sin? no. His forgiveness does not wipe away the human consequences of the sin. that person will live the rest of their life with that std.

i then would draw the parallels - yes, God is able to forgive the sin of divorce - it is not the "unforgivable sin" many churches preach, either explicitly or implicitly. however, the breaking of the marriage covenant has consequences and we must live with those consequences. which, according to my reading of scripture, specifically matthew 19 and i corinthians 7, meant no remarriage.

most of the objections i've heard fall under what i label as the "But that's not fair!" argument. it's not fair that God would punish both parties equally when the other was unfaithful/dishonest/abusive/fill-in-the-blank. it's not fair that God would hold us accountable for decisions made in the "heat of the moment" or in the " throes of young love." it's not fair for God to expect someone to remain single for the rest of their lives.

i think most of these objections take a weak view of marriage. they reduce marriage to a contract between a man and a woman instead of a covenant between two souls and their God. in many ways, my understanding of marriage is more sacramental in nature - it is not so much something we do (though obviously the couple has an important part to play), but something God does. it is He that knits the souls together. it is He that weaves two separate stories into one. it is He that makes the two one, transforms them into one flesh.

because it is something God does, we cannot simply break it apart. it is why Christ declares "the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" and follows it up with "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:8-9, 11-12).

so while we in our humanness see a broken contract, God sees us as one flesh still, which is why remarriage is seen as adultery. the contract may be broken, but the covenant still exists. which of course is much easier to hold on to in the rarefied air of the seminary classroom than in reality.

i also see these objections taking a weak view of the single life as well. many of the objections see being forced to remain single as a horrible punishment, like being single is a fate worse than death. God wouldn't expect anyone to live like that, especially someone who has already tasted the glorious fruits of the married life. it would be cruel to expect them to spend the rest of their lives without someone, wouldn't it?

obviously, i have a lovely set of baggage to go with this attitude, being unmarried as well as celibate. but it's hard for me to feel much sympathy for someone who will be "cursed" to be like i am. though not intended, it sets up the married life as the ideal and the single life as the less than, even though Christ himself was single (no matter what dan brown says) and Paul wished "that all men were as I am" (I Cor. 7:7).

the disconnect for me occurs on many different fronts. i've seen God bless second (and even third) marriages. i've seen friends torn apart by people they've loved who turned out to not be the person they believed them to be. i've heard viable objections raised - what about the verses where Jesus says "except for marital infidelity"(Matt. 19:9)? what about Paul's admonition, "if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances" (I Cor. 7:15)?

it's circumstances like this that have made me revisit and wrestle with my beliefs recently. maybe there are times when remarriage is permitted. but the problem is, when? marital infidelity would seem the simple answer, but how do you define that? is it simply having sex with someone who is not your spouse? or could it be for emotional or intellectual infidelity? what about abuse - could that be seen as a breaking of the marital vows? who makes the decision what is a viable reason for an "lawful" divorce? do we need to make a list? do we deal with it on a case by case basis? and if so, what principles do we judge those cases?

and my own baggage confuses the matter. what if i'm questioning my beliefs, not because i think they might be wrong, but because by abandoning them, i increase the possibility that i may not be cursed with having to live the rest of my life single? let's be honest - the odds of me finding someone to spend what little remains of my life who has never been married are becoming slimmer. cutting myself off from potential dates simply because they've been married before smacks of elitism - i'm better than you because i've never been married.

and yet i can't shake the feeling that perhaps we'd be better off if we saw marriage as a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. how many of us would take more time getting to know the person we're going to marry if we knew we only got one shot to get it right? how many of us would work harder at the relationship knowing if this goes bad, there won't be a chance for another? what if we saw ourselves as God sees us - as one flesh - and realized to tear that asunder wouldn't leave two separate souls, but two half ones?

ok, it's been almost two hours and i'm still not tired and i definitely haven't come to any grand conclusions. but the ideas are out there. feel free to disagree or even try to convince me i'm wrong. part of me would be happy to be convinced i'm in error. but only if it's to serve God's glory, not my own wants and needs. Æ

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Now playing: Emmylou Harris - Plaisir d'Amour
via FoxyTunes

randomness

not feeling much like getting into the whole marriage/divorce talk tonight, so you're spared my ramblings for the time being. and i have little purpose in coming here other than to see if perhaps writing will lead me somewhere tonight. been a remarkably lazy day. played for worship at church, came home, took a long nap, watched some west wing, went for a bike ride, watched some more west wing and am now here. why does my ride feel like the only productive activity i did all day?

i watched dan in real life last night. decent flick - steve carell was excellent and understated and i enjoyed watching the film, though i doubt the ending could ever have happened that way. the basic conflict is dan meets this amazing woman who turns out to be his brother's new girlfriend. i know i was supposed to be rooting for dan, but it seemed...wrong. is this just me? i've been told not everyone feels this way, but if someone is taken, that's it. you move on. heck, i've been in situations where i found out someone else was interested, not even dating, and i felt like i needed to back off my own interest. can't say i've always followed this, but it is my default position, which in some ways does seem a little silly considering i'm limiting my already incredibly limited options. but it doesn't feel honorable. not that that matters much nowadays i suppose.

been reading a couple of books on spiritual direction. the first one, holy listening: the art of spiritual direction, was a good introduction to the concept and some of the issues surrounding it. the second one, the practice of spiritual direction, seems a bit drier. maybe i'll save it for bed time, to help with my insomnia. just kidding.

weird...corey hart's "never surrender" is playing right now on my itunes. i was just singing this song tonight on my bike ride. so completely random. freaks me out when stuff like this happens, though i should be used to it by now. "so if you're lost and on your own/you can never surrender" come on, everybody sing!

or not.

i need a new fiction book to read. i tried using a couple of recommendation sites, but nothing caught my attention. jenna suggested never let me go because of my tendency to have organs removed. maybe i'll look into it...shoot! i just remembered i didn't remember to return my library books yesterday. i think if i get them in before 10AM tomorrow they won't be considered late. need to remember to take them with me to prayers so i can walk up and drop them off. kept thinking all weekend i needed to do that and, well, i didn't. anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. ideally, a paperback would be best for my upcoming travel, but i'll take anything.

according to ups, my new camera should be here on tuesday. it's in columbus right now, so i was kind of hoping it might find it's way here tomorrow, but with processing and all, tuesday seems like my best bet. no sign of the memory card, which is bad because i think i might have to send it back. looks like some of the features on the camera only work with olympus memory cards, which blows, but what are you gonna do? i'm not a big fan of this waiting part. i want to play with it now. at least i'll have it in time for the trip, with a couple days to play with the features.

let's see, plans for the week...we moved house church to wednesday so steve and i could go see hellboy 2 (he got free passes). plus it worked out better for john, so i don't feel so bad. we watched the first one friday night. i like the character of hellboy - reminds me of tom waits for some reason, if tom waits were a large demon-like creature from another dimension. maybe i just have tom on the brain. other than that, that's all i've got. was hoping to pick up a shift or two at the auditorium, but haven't heard word one from jack, so who knows.

well, no grand epiphanies tonight. guess i'll go try and steal some sleep. i'm hoping the ride helped wear me out. was going to take a pill, but someone recommended avoiding them, so we'll try to sleep without. night all.
Æ

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Now playing: Willard Grant Conspiracy - River In The Pines
via FoxyTunes

some thoughts from uncle fred

from whistling in the dark...

All "isms" run out in the end, and good riddance to most of them. Patriotism for example.

If patriots are people who stand by their country right or wrong, Germans who stood by Adolf Hitler and the Third Reich should be adequate proof that we've had enough of them.

If patriots are people who believe not only that anything they consider unpatriotic is wrong but that anything they consider wrong is unpatriotic, the late Senator Joseph McCarthy and his backers should be enough to make us avoid them like the plague.

If patriots are people who believe things like "Better Dead Than Red," they should be shown films of Hiroshima and Nagasaki on August 6 and 9, 1945, respectively, and then be taken off to the funny farm.

The only patriots worth their salt are the ones who love their country enough to see that in a nuclear age it is not going to survive unless the world survives. True patriots are no longer champions of Democracy, Communism, or anything like that but champions of the Human Race. It is not the Homeland they feel called on to defend at any cost but the planet Earth as Home. If in the interests of making sure we don't blow ourselves off the map once and for all, we end up relinquishing a measure of national sovereignty to some international body, so much the worse for national sovereignty.

There is only one Sovereignty that matters ultimately and it is of another sort altogether.

Frederick Buechner

to quote the bard...'Twas a rough night.

so i entered full-blown insomnia last night - couldn't fall asleep and then once i did doze off for about 23 minutes, i woke again, unable to fall back asleep. so much for going without the sleep aids i have. i read for a while, watched arrested development for a while, walked around the neighborhood a while, caught up on some correspondence for a while and then went to prayers and started my as usual day. must have been something in the air last night - lots of friends on facebook late last night, saw a couple different postings that people had difficulty sleeping. wonder if some thing was affecting our collective unconscious. i'm feeling ok right now, but am a bit concerned about tonight's flash fiction and being completely brain dead by the time 7PM rolls around. i probably should avoid taking a nap today, but not sure that will be possible. will have to see how i feel this afternoon.

ok, we'll call this next section things i've wanted to write about, to catch up.

first, tom was amazing. definitely ranks up their in my favorite concert experiences. he's the consummate showman and leaves it all on the stage. by the end of the show, his entire suit was drenched in sweat - you could watch the stain slowly creeping down his back. i know a lot of people have trouble with his voice, but it's the instrument God gave him and he knows how to use it. it is a force of nature and the power and emotion he brings to every song is a wonder to behold. definitely worth the price of admission and then some. so glad i got tickets.

brian and i got there a little after 7, about an hour and a half before he came on stage. good thing, since it took us almost that long to get to the front of the merch table. tom doesn't usually sell schwag at his shows, so everyone was getting something, many people buying multiple options. i'm sure ebay is littered with them, unfortunately. i, too, took advantage and bought a shirt (just one) while brian bought one of each design (but he'll wear them). great moment: as soon as brian and i go to the front, the guy manning our part of the table declared it for credit card customers only, even though he'd been doing both previously. frustrated, we made our way to another side of the table. when the guy came over, another fan let us go first, probably after hearing us complain to the merch table guy. we thanked him profusely for his kindness, which turned out to be a good thing since he ended up sitting in the seats right next to us. we then turned around and passed it on, letting some other fans go into the theater before us. quite the eclectic mix of fans, from younguns in shorts and t-shirts to guys and girls dressed to the hilt in true waitsian fashion. the crowd was well behaved (other than the drunk/stoned guy behind us who got a bit belligerent during the show - i thought brian might jump up and bitchslap him) and quite responsive, which tom rewarded by giving us two encores.

tom did a great variety of tunes, leaning heavily on his more recent songs, understandably. the live arrangements were great to hear. his reed player was amazing - like having an entire sax section in one guy. he played tenor and bari at the same time, and played them well, which is impressive to say the least. the other players were solid - nothing terribly flashy, but then they weren't the focus - tom was. favorite moments: cold, cold ground, cemetery polka, eyeball kid, lie to me and of course, time. i've already picked up a bootleg copy of the show - not the best quality and there's some overly enthusiastic woman screaming occasionally, but nice to have a memento to remember the evening by.

wow. that went on much longer than i anticipated. maybe instead of trying to squeeze this into one post, i'll do a couple of others over the course of the day - at least it will keep me awake.

need to walk down to the post office - spent part of my insomnia time this morning writing a couple of postcards to friends i've lost touch with in hopes that snailmail will work where email has not. figured it couldn't hurt to try, right?

will be back later (unless i end up comatose, drooling in my comfy chair) with thoughts on our house church discussion of marriage and divorce and my upcoming trip to the great state of colorado. mmm...mountains....Æ

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Now playing: Priscilla Ahn - Dream
via FoxyTunes

i've entered the 21st century

i spent too much of my day online, researching digital cameras. with my trip to colorado swiftly approaching, i figured i'd better pull the trigger if i hoped to have it to use on the trip. did lots of research, trying to figure out what i wanted, what i needed, how much i wanted to spend. it's not like i'm a serious photographer - though i like to take pictures, i usually find myself too caught up in moments to take the time to photograph them. so i figured i should get something small enough i could keep in my pocket and pull out, instead of something i had to lug around in a separate bag. i found one i liked and decided i wanted to see it in person before buying, so i drove over to best buy and talked to their guy and looked at the camera. in the process, i looked around at some other cameras, ones i hadn't looked at online. the camera i wanted wasn't available at the store (plus, it was cheaper online), so i came home and looked up another camera i'd seen in the store. and to make an interminable story abbreviated, it was cheaper and had the features i wanted and liked, so i bought it.

my new toy

i know, i know. i was supposed to get a canon. but what i saw and read led me to believe this was the camera for me. here's hoping i didn't screw it up. guess i'll just have to wait and try it out. and i promise i won't turn this into a photo blog, though i'm sure there'll be more pictures than there usually are. at least there better be after i bought the thing.

as you can see, i'm still not sleeping much. i hate the machine and the pills ruin my mornings, so i'm kind of back at square one. right now it's not a huge problem, but i'd like to find something before august rolls around. we'll see.

more non-consumer, non-sleep related stuff later. i have all these thoughts during the day i think about writing down, but by the time i stop in here, i've lost momentum. i'll try to do better. Æ

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Now playing: Southeast Engine - Pursuit of Happiness pt. 1
via FoxyTunes

ps i am loving the above band. found them through last.fm. see, good stuff can come out of dayton...

it's the little things that mattter (from 6/27)

like directions to your friend's house where you intend to spend the night. oops. not too worried - i have 7-8 hours to figure it out. first i'm going to kill a couple of hours watching Wall*E. opened today, so i have no idea what to expect except for the brief glimpses i've caught in previews and teasers. been a while since i've seen a movie with little to no prior knowledge.

i'm at the marcus theater in pickerington. last time i was here was with jeremy and friends. not sure what we saw - some guy movie i'm sure. he was in my dreams this week, doing what he did best - being uncomfortably naked. i miss him.

spent lunch with laurie and mel at some bbq joint. decent food, much better company. mel just got back from europe, so i'm not talking to her. laurie had wonderful stories about the girls. lovely, lovely time. catching up made me realize i need to not wait so long between visits. life comes in and fills up the moments when your not watching, leaving you with no place to squeeze in what's most important.

movie's starting. more later.
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mcdonald's, outside port columbus, waiting for brian to call, tell me he's arrived. spent the first hour in my car, reading murakami's norwegian wood. enjoying it more than kafka - not that kafka was bad, i'm just tracking with this story and character more.

i enjoyed Wall *E immensely. a remarkable feat of storytelling without words. i predict it won't be as successful as other pixar flicks, not because it's not as good, but because the public has high expectations for them and are no longer impressed by their animation, which is a shame because it continues to be flawless. i also imagine those on the right will object to its environmental message, even thought that's not the main story line and in all honesty, the weakest part of the film. i could see using this film as an example of showing, not telling. the scenes with Wall*E and Eve were far more powerful and meaningful without words than the talky human scenes. quite the relationship built sans words.

there's part of me that feels the need to despise disney. they're supposed to represent everything bad about entertainment. yet i can't stop the giddy feeling i get when the logo comes up, the yearning to return to a simpler time. i was fairly obsessed with all things disney as a kid, right after my second trip to disneyworld. i was 10. there was an old roll top desk in my room i turned into a disney shrine. souvenirs from my trip. paraphernalia mom picked up at garage sales. i even remember ordering a special set of stamps from some distant country just because they had disney characters on them.

see, my tendency toward obsession started early.

though there's much to hate disney for - their squeakifying of stories and history, their over-commercialization, their decision to abandon hand-drawn animation - i will always have a soft spot for the role they played n my own childhood. which i suppose is what makes them so insidious - they insinuate themselves into your memories, co0opting them. it's probably not as malicious as i make it sound. they're no worse than where i'm sitting right now, though that's faint praise indeed.

brian just called. he's still at o'hare, which is unfortunate isnce he was supposed to arrive here 20 minutes ago. i wonder sometimes if short jumps are worth it - as he pointed out, if he'd started driving when he left for the airport, he'd be here by now or at least closer than he is. i think i'm ok here for now - the cashier told the older gentleman in front of me they don't kick people otu fo the dining room if they're here before it closes. i should go grab my book though - not sure i could keep writing for an hour straight - thought it might be good to try, i fear what drivel might come out.

just walked out to my car - almost too nice out to sit in a/c and wait, thunderstorm watches be damned. yet here i sit, the vinyl seats making the back of my knees sweat. i have no one to blame by myself.

after the movie i went to goodwill to find something to wear to the show. i found a cool blue dress shirt and a wide tie to go with it. i kept this simple idea in mind - what would brian wear? not really sure how i'll change before the show, but i'm sure we'll find an accommodating bathroom somewhere before the show.

currently listening to my 80s playlist, the primary reason for spending hours this summer looking up release dates on wikipedia (all together now...GEEK!). already found a couple of errors - i'm sorry, but cracker did not release kerosene hat in 1989 (that's what i get for trusting gracenote or whatever online database pulled the info). the music makes me a bit wistful, even the songs and bands i didn't discover until after the 80s were over. wish i could say i was listening to galaxie 500 and the jesus and mary chain in high school, but i was too busy extolling the musical genius of stryper. silly, silly boy. according to my ipod, i have 2,885 songs from the 80s, which means a little less than 20% of my collection, compared to 36% for both the 90s and the aughts. but i guarantee the stories connected to my 80s songs are deeper and more meaningful. for instance, right now "wasn't that a party" by the irish rovers is playing. i distinctly remember lying in my bed, listening to my clock radio play this song early in the morning. some radio station from my childhood played it regularly for a while, though i only ever heard it in the morning. strange how memories work.

tired of writing. i'm sure you're tired of reading. off to read some more murakami. Æ

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Now playing: Pulp - Disco 2000
via FoxyTunes

my first time

went this evening down to the speckled bird for the their monthly open mike night. decided it was time to read some of my stuff in public. wasn't sure i would be able to make it, it being house church night and all. but i got there in time and put my name on the list before i could chicken out. wasn't really sure what to expect. the first person sang a couple of folky songs. then angela sang some irish tunes. then someone read a poem they had loved as a child. in between, the mc shared some of her own stuff as well as some stuff from other sources. then it was my turn. i chose four of the pieces i was most comfortable with - a couple of sonnets, some blank verse and my "credo." the first sonnet was a bit shaky - couldn't seem to get my breathing to work. but i soon settled down and read through the pieces. not sure it's exactly what's supposed to be shared at an open mike - much too structured i think for most people. crowd was polite but i'm not sure they followed what i was saying. nothing against them - just not the easiest stuff to listen to. much easier if read. need to see if i have some other stuff to share if i do it again - more free verse kind of stuff. i don't know. i'm glad i did it, but not sure if i liked it enough to do it more.

rode this morning out to mariemont - sublime weather and light traffic. a relaxing ride. took my time and didn't push too hard. am hoping to get back into a semblance of riding rhythm again. still had a bit of numbness today even with the seat lowered, but not as severe as before. tomorrow i plan on riding to my doctor's appointment and then steve and i are supposed to ride around and visit some of the local neighborhoods for a city beat piece (he's writing, i'm just along for the ride). we'll see how i feel tomorrow - supposed to be in 90s. can't complain, though - these past ten days of open windows and breezes have been glorious.

not sure how the doctor's appointment will go tomorrow - will talk to him about my gall bladder problems. could possibly lead to surgery sometime this summer. i figure removing one minor organ every year shouldn't be too bad for a while. watch your back, tonsils, you're next on the list!

at house church we were scheduled to talk about marriage and divorce, but as sometimes happens, we were called away to help someone out. ken o. had a minor accident biking, so steve and i drove out to pick him and laura up. one of the joys of house church is it's flexibility. so we'll pick up the touchy subject next week. it's a timely lesson as i've been once again re-evaluating my stance on divorce and specifically remarriage. lots of personal issues wrapped up in that, so i'm hoping to get a bit of perspective from our discussion, to get some real world perspective to go along with my purely intellectual thoughts.

time to read and try to sleep again. still debating whether the benefits of the machine (which i've yet to really experience) are worth all the hassle it's been so far. and the drugs haven't seemed to do much more than make it hard to wake up in the morning. perhaps i'm doomed to a life of little sleep. there are worse fates.
Æ

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Now playing: Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Wicked Little Town
via FoxyTunes

tuesdays are the new mondays

i always have the best of intentions, much like jimmy buffet, of making changes on mondays. going to clean the house. going to start eating right. going to catch up on email. going to start exercising. but what i usually find, during the summer at least, is mondays are usually spent recovering from whatever i did over the weekend. so then in my mind i convince myself tuesday would be a better day to start whatever is new. by then i'll be more awake, more motivated, the same old same old.

we'll have to see how tuesday turns out.

i had much to recover from this weekend. worked ye olde auditorium gig on friday night with judy for six plus hours. saturday included a thunderstorm-soaked birthday party for becky at the farm, complete with full-blown pyromania and good times with friends. then sunday started bright and early as i got to play bass for worship. always wonderful to play with janet, especially when joined by sandie's and angie's beautiful harmonies. makes me long to play more often, or at the very least bring my bass home and play some here. if only my amp didn't weigh four thousand pounds.

perhaps i exaggerate a bit.

then sunday afternoon we had our BATB party at jim and kathy's out in liberty township. amazing house and backyard, complete with a beautiful pool. good to see the cast again, catch up and see the dvd. not sure when i'll see some of them again - they kept pimping the upcoming hms pinafore auditions, but show week is when our first trimester ends and i think it would be the height of irresponsibility to get into a show, especially since i told lisa i couldn't help with the middle school production because i would be too busy. anyway, good to have a chance to see everyone and the dvd turned out pretty well. now all my friends who couldn't make it can see what i looked like as an eggbeater. if they want.

i topped of the weekend with a trip down to the gypsy hut to see the poms at their last cincy gig for far too long. again i was subjected to the whims of fluid concert starting times. the website said 8:00. the poster said 9:30. the poms went on after midnight. i guess i'm just not cool enough to be on concert-going time. quite the contingent from the 'wood last night and everyone had a great time. the first opening "band" - pete and repeat - was fun in a college music kind of way. he played guitar and sang while backed by his ipod. fun and funny songs. the other group was javelins which i wanted to like more than i actually did. songs weren't catchy enough for me - not enough melody for my tastes. the poms were good, though they seemed a bit tired perhaps. josh has certainly come into his own and his guitar work on one of the new songs they played was impressive. sad that won't be playing here again any time soon, but am happy to have seen them as often as i have and i'm glad they're getting out and getting known. if only i could make the monolith festival at red rocks...

this morning, after prayer and then going back to sleep, was spent trying to catch up on long neglected correspondence. not exactly what i had planned, but at least it was semi-productive. no excuses for not keeping in touch with all this extra time. might even (gasp!) break down and write some letters. i know. scary. though i've said that before and wasn't good at keeping my promise.

ok, time to get on some of that correspondence. and read more of kafka on the shore. really enjoying it so far. struck this morning by this line: "The purity of her beauty gives me a feeling close to sadness - a very natural feeling, though one that only something extraordinary could produce." lovely.
Æ

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Now playing: Pomegranates - Thunder Meadow (Daytrotter Sessions)
via FoxyTunes