it's friday! it's the thirteenth! aggghhhh!

and i'm not in the mood to do much of anything after fourteen hours at school yesterday (film club and parent/teacher conferences).

 

my therapist asked, "Why is it more special to you right now than the present?" meaning my recent posts from the bike trip instead of blogging about now.  not sure i saw it in terms of more special to me than the present (though my lack of 2006 related posts certainly points that direction), just a different time, a time i remember with fondness and, after reading some, not a little cringiness.  i'm not intentionally avoiding now, but if i'm honest (and why should i not be), i would rather be there doing that right now than here doing this right now.  hard to compare my day to day so far this year with that exceptional time in my life.  who wouldn't want to be on the coast of california spending your days biking?

 

the question then is, does that mean i'm dissatisfied with my life now, beyond the usual hoping for a better tomorrow?  i believe i'm where i'm supposed to be, doing what i'm supposed to be doing.  sure, things aren't exactly as i dreamed them to be, but i'm certainly not dissatisfied with where i am.  i love my church, i love my house, i love my friends.  and while i wish i had as much life ahead of me as i did then, i know i have plenty of time still, that, contrary to jibes i make all the time, my life is not over.  Life still waits around the next curve.

 

plus, with things like THIS to keep me amused, how could life be bad?

 

and for those missing my more daily updates, trust me, 2006 has not come in like a lion.  more like a giraffe (quiet and goofy looking).  you're not missing anything.

 

looking forward to the three day weekend, though i know i must spend a significant portion of that grading.  someday i'll figure out how not to have assignments due right before a break.  no big plans, other than hitting the triemergent cohort saturday and the comet sunday night.  mmm.  burritos.

 

might have something to share a bit later in the weekend, but i don't want to talk about it now, not until i've done something i need to (ooh, cryptic).

 

back later with another 1991 update.  maybe i'll talk about what Thurman Now thinks of Thurman Then.  we shall see.

 

Tunes:  willard grant conspiracy - beyond the shore

Wandering Wheels - 12 January 1991

72 miles! We biked 72 miles today. Not all at once (were no that in shape yet) but we did it! AND we were the first group in, a great accomplishment since we were the last ones to leave. After a very restless night's sleep (I don't know, maybe I'm just not made to sleep in churches), we ate breakfast and then guess who was on clean up crew. That's right, Hindsight Bias (Team Bias) washed dishes and cleaned up the church and, might I add, did a dang fine job of it, too. Then, after checking our tire pressure and getting things together, we began the day's journey, which wouldn't end until we were 72 miles down the road.

In the first mile, mile and a half, we passed three or four groups who were either fixing a flat, waiting on someone or who had taken a wrong turn. Our first stop was Pismo Beach, not far from where we started at a little place called Grandma's Bakery for some blueberry muffins. Boy, were they ever great! A wonderful way to start our ride. The weather was the hottest it's been since we arrived and I now have a wonderful biking tan (almost a burn). We rode for quite a while then, passing by large fields of growing asparagus and grapes and broccoli. We stopped at, get this, an olive tasting store. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I tried one and it wasn't too bad.

We stopped for lunch in Guadalupe at an authentic Mexican restaurant. And I mean authentic. The waitress spoke very little English. And the food! Talk about your hot picante sauce. We had eyes and noses watering. And we got two tacos (handmade shells) and an enchilada for $3.00. And was it ever filling. The La Gloria Cafe is definitely worth eating at.

From there we continued our trek. I'm telling you, my butt was sore. The countryside was very interesting. We stopped by a vineyard and took a couple of pictures and then watched some Mexicans picking broccoli. Watching them work made me realize that Americans would never work that hard at such a menial task. It was also fascinating to see how they just put the tractor in low gear and walked behind it.

From there we rode to Los Alamos. The whole ride was very quiet, as everyone was tired and sore. In Los Alamos I discovered why my water had tasted funny: someone had stuck a sausage in it. It's disgusting, but kinda amusing. There we found out that we were the first group there, which picked up our spirits and made us push to get to the campsite first. In the beginning there was a long uphill and I thought I'd never make it. But the last six miles were all downhill. And our 72-mile trek was well-rewarded. After trying to fly our tent, we went and soaked in a whirlpool for half an hour and got our third, count them, three showers in a row! Must be some kind of record. Then Randy, Chip and I walked down the street (by the way, we're camping in Buellton, home of the best split pea soup) to Anderson's to eat some split pea soup. Randy and I split a bowl and surprise surprise, I actually liked it. It was great soup.

Right now I'm getting ready to sleep and it's only 8:40. Guess I am a bit tired. Here's to sweet dreams of great biking and beautiful women. Æ

Tunes: the moody blues - your wildest dreams

Wandering Wheels - 11 January 1991

Yet one more wonderful riding day. It seems that God is truly smiling on our trip. First thing today (worth noting anyway) was the devotion this morning. Joel talked about how so often we can worship the creation and not the Creator. I've fallen into that on this trip. I've not been keeping up with my bible reading and prayer. But that devotion helped knock me back on track.

Today's ride wasn't quite as spectacular as the past few days on the coast, but it certainly made up for it in speed. We cruised at a steady pace for about 15 miles when we decided to stop for a while in a small town called Cayusco, rather quaint, right along the coast. We ended up spending about half an hour there, walking on the pier, playing on the playground, watching the dogs chase birds on the beach and shopping at some of the little stores around town. Then we picked up and rode about 8-9 miles more to Morro Bay.

Most of today's riding was done in crunch formation and I got to break wind for most of the day, which was a wonderful feeling (let the jokes begin....). Riding like that is a lot more fun than being in a single file line 'cause we're more able to hear and talk to each other (plus it's easier to sing old TV theme songs). When we arrived in Morro Bay, we asked one of the locals where the best place to eat was and he pointed us to a little place called Bay City Grill. It was the best! The burgers were 1/2 lb and the drinks were tall, cold and bottomless. And the place itself! You couldn't ask for a better atmosphere. Salt and pepper in Corona bottles, pictures of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and The Beatles on the wall, a jukebox and MTV on the wall made it the perfect little eatery. Well worth the price.

From there we moved down the road to (the lights went out here, so I'm writing in the morning) a natural history museum and spent some time looking at the exhibits. Then the Naz went on while Taylor had a class lecture at the museum. We rode about 20 miles to San Luis Obispo (I knew we'd finally get there). On the way we passed a rather deserted military base (most are in the Persian Gulf) and a "men's colony," a rather polite term for prison. Then when we arrived in San Luis we stopped at a bicycling/running/swimming store. Our whole group bought matching biking hats (the guy even cut us a deal) and Randy bought a LOT of biking gear (like a loud pair of tights).

Then we got showers (two says in a row!) at the local YMCA and after getting all clean, we had to bike a mile or so to the First Baptist church. We were going to have class, but the bus, with Randy's notes, didn't arrive until about dinner, so we had it afterwards. We studied group decisions and did a very interesting activity on types of decision making and learned an important lesson: an average group makes better decisions than the average person. Outside of class I realized that being part of a group doesn't mean that you agree on everything. For example, Chip Wall doesn't care about conserving water since he doesn't live here. And this morning I was elected group conscience when I wouldn't allow Ed to steal a USA Today. Guess that's the way groups work, though. You put aside differences to work together.

(aside: on the beach last night, Randy made an interesting observation: you can't have a passion for life if you're always worried about where your next shower is coming from. Think about it) Æ

Tunes: ub40 - red red wine†

Wandering Wheels - 10 January 1991

It's been one week since we left Ohio. Hard to believe I could fit so much into that time. Heck, hard to believe I could fit so much activity and beauty into two days. Today matched and complemented yesterday perfectly. After a restful night's sleep (after we found Ed and made porn shadows on the wall), we awoke and got ready for our ride today. We knew what was coming, 'cause one of the groups had already ridden it! Seems that they were too busy looking at the scenery and learning about sea creatures to find the campsite. So they rode 15 miles out of their way and ended up leaving their bikes at an inn and catching a ride back to the campsite on the van. Our group calls the The Tour de France (Tore de Pants) group, since they are the fastest among all the groups (and also one of the most spread out!).

The ride started with a small warm-up climb and by the time we reached the top of it, the sun poked its head around the corner and took away some of the morning chill. Then we hit, after a short curvy downhill, a wonderful twisting and turning 4.1 mile climb. If this had been here three days ago, more than half our group (The Self-Serving Bias) wouldn't have made it. But today we sang all the way up and talked and even cheered (yes, cheered) every time we went around a curve and realized that the road was still going up. Chip also kept us entertained with his 90 decibel belches. Of course, after the climb comes what everyone looks forward to on the way up: the ride down. And this one certainly didn't disappoint. It was a bit scary going around the curves, but the feeling was so exhilarating and gave such a rush. And the weather was yet again absolutely perfect.

After a few more hills (and downhills), we coasted into the inn where Tour de France had left their bikes. As we were the first ones there, we spread out and took in some of those bright and beautiful California rays. In fact, everybody took the chance to work on their tan. The lunch truck set up lunch and we ate a wonderful meal yet again. I'm going to miss this food when we leave. As usual, after lunch we were the first group to get out on the road. We stopped once along the side to take some shots of some sea lions on the rocks. Unfortunately, some of the guys in the group got a little over-anxious and scared a lot of them away.

About 15 miles later we reached our second destination, the visitor center for the Hearst Castle, after a short stop at a pier across the street. The castle was absolutely incredible. I expected to be underwhelmed, like in Las Vegas, but this wasn't just excess, it was a museum. The house was built to fit all of the Hearst's large pieces of art into (with a little bit of extra, of course). The art inside and out was incredible. Large tapestries, whole ceilings, large paintings, fireplace, archways, tables, silver, everything was here, including a breathtaking view of the mountains and the ocean. The tour guide was a bit cantankerous, but you could tell she really knew her stuff.

After the tour it was a short four mile ride to our campsite, another gorgeous beach front camp site. I got yet another shot of a sunset for Kim (with me in it), but only after I sprinted to the beach to get it. Then I sat for a while with Dr. Tim Burkholder and saw a sea lion bobbing about 40 yards off the beach and some ducks diving through the waves. Then I came back, took a nice hot shower and ate yet another scrumptious meal.

Then Randy and I took a walk down to the beach to watch the stars and listen to the waves crash on the shore. It was great to stare at the ocean and suddenly see white as the wave broke against the shore. I walked around for a while, then met up with Jeff and John from Taylor and we talked and decided we'd stand in one spot until the tide came up. We waited and waited and were about to give up when we were almost washed away!

It's been so beautiful all day and tonight was indescribable. I've never felt closer to this earth or to God. And I enjoy getting to know the guys in my group, although I have noticed that I get annoyed if I'm not close to the front, which is selfish of me. I'm going to try and change that. Now I'm going to read a little Cyrano and then I'm off to bed. Farewell 'til tomorrow.

(aside: the rain we had a couple nights ago was the most rain they've had here in a year and a half) Ɔ

Tunes: over the rhine - when i go (acoustic)

Wandering Wheels - 9 January 1991 (entry two)

It's night now and the feeling has yet to leave me. If anything, it has increased. Thousands upon thousands of stars are in the sky and even here at the campsite I can hear the ocean falling upon the shore. Today has been one of the best days of my life. It all started last night about one in the morning. Chip, Tim, Dennis, Nancy Dorn, Alison Burkholder and I were sleeping in one tent. The woods were peaceful and calm, with only the pattering of rain upon the outside of the tent breaking the silence. Suddenly, out of the darkness, a cry pierces the silence. "Suck! My bag's outside!" Dennis then proceeds to go outside and grab his (and mine, thank goodness) and moved it to the bathroom. Then he came back in and realized that his bike bag was unzipped. So he went back outside and zipped it up. Then he came back and realized his journal was outside. He went out and looked for it and came back - unable to find it! It was seriously amusing.

We woke up in the morning and a lot of our stuff was wet, which wasn't too pleasant. Then after a wonderful breakfast (the food on this trip has been exquisite. Every meal is wonderful!), we took off on our ride. The first thing we saw were four small deer right along the side of the road. Our first activity was the climb out of the camp. Unfortunately, it didn't go very smoothly. Scott ended up falling along the side of the road, breaking a spoke and flattening his tire. So we got a slow start. But I used the time to find Michell's ZIP and buy twenty 15 cent stamps (for actually 15 cents each!) But eventually we made it to the top of the two mile climb.

The whole ride today was great. We had some incredible downhills and (surprise surprise) more wonderful landscape. We saw the California Grey Whales off the coast and saw lots of spouts and then a few tails! We even saw some sea lions. Well, not exactly. We thought we saw sea lions, but when we got closer (and after a five-minute stop), we discovered it was just kelp. It was a riot.

Out group is so much fun to be in. We must be the loudest group and I know we take the most pictures (like of Ed going over a cliff). We sing and yell "Car Back!" and are constantly talking. Most groups are spread out over the road, but our group is always together. I think that's what make it so special. We spend time together off the bikes and I'm getting to know everyone in my group a LOT better.

Well, I've written a lot today and I need to go to bed. But first I'm going to lie outside and stare at the stars. Another perfect day. Ɔ

Wandering Wheels - 9 January 1991 (entry one)

As I am writing this, I am sitting on a beach watching the tide move in and out and waiting for the sun to reach just the right point so I can take some pictures. It is an unbelievably peaceful night here. The ocean, the sky, the setting sun, the beach. All my life I've wanted to do this, to sit on the beach and watch the sunset and feel the waves and smell the biting ocean air. I could stay here all night. You can almost taste this place. I don't think I've ever realized how wide the ocean is. I feel like I'm suffocating, overwhelmed by al the beauty around me. To sit here and soak up all this is on of the best times I've EVER had. Now the waves slowly creep up on me, making me leave this paradise. But the memory, the feelings, the taste, the experience will never leave, forever carved into the sands of my memory. Does it sound like I overwrite? It doesn't even come close to what I'm feeling. I love this place, I love this earth and I will never forget this. Ɔ

the final answer

question: who dey?

answer: the steelers
Æ

Wandering Wheels - 8 January 1991

Well, I survived (and then some). Today was the first day we just got up, ate and then biked. It started out a bit chilly, but by the time we were on our way, the sun was out and we had the most gorgeous biking weather. Our group really is working well together. This morning we got all of our bikes out, pumped up with air and ready to go well before anyone else. Our group enjoys being together and is always helpful. We seem to have taken great pride in our group. We've been debating on names. We're thinking self-serving bias or Randy suggested Team Bias.

Today's biking was absolutely perfect. The weather was perfect, the landscape was perfect, even our lunch spot was perfect. At first, we didn't get very far. We went back down to the Carmel Mission and luckily it was open this time. It's amazing the structures that the Catholic's butt as missions. It was a fascinating place to go.

Then from there we rode out of Carmel to Point Lakes. Talk about beautiful! This place was great. We got a chance to see an old whaling house. Then we rode to a great scenic spot where we could see everything, from otters and sea lions to beautiful rocks and even grey whales (at a distance, of course). I could have spent all day there. However, we were only 3 1/2 miles down the road and had 30 to go. So we hopped on our bikes and pedaled our hearts out.

Remember how I said the view were breathtaking? Well, today was even better. There's so much beauty it's hard to take it all in. It's amazing how much you miss when you're riding in a car, like the waves crashing on the shore and the sea lions barking out their song.

We stopped for lunch right before the Bixby Bridge. The whole time was just wonderful with the view and the people and the good and the watching the other bikers come in (we were first, of course). It's amazing how good food can taste after biking. Then after lunch, we had a mile climb up a nice-sized hill. The feeling at the top was so great (I'm running out of adjectives). We took it nice and slow but steady. Then came the best part of any climb - going back down! We went around curves at about 32-38 mph with the ocean on one side and rolling hills on the other. The experience was almost orgasmic!

From then on it was just miles of beauty; so much to see, so much you don't see from a car or on TV. My whole view of California has changed already. We stopped a couple of more times (once so I could get more film, which I desperately needed, although I hated paying $2.37 for it!). Then we pulled into Pfeiffer Camp Grounds in Big Sur. As if the rest of the day hadn't been perfect, the ride through the forest was the perfect ending. There's so much beauty on God's earth and so many people take it for granted. It's a shame.

We got showers and have been taking it easy the rest of the time. Our group got together and did a load of wash which took ages to finish (and quite a bit of money I might add!). I'm so glad I was able to get into a group that is so close. It makes the trip that much better.

There were a couple of accidents today and Laurie has numerous cuts and scrapes all over her elbows and knees. Some of them (not all) occurred when she came into camp and people cheered and she turned to look and fell down. I think it was rather amusing (and so will she in a couple of weeks). She's doing really well. Æ

Tunes: bruce springsteen - trapped

Wandering Wheels - 7 January 1991

The word for today is awesome. I'm feeling absolutely great. Exhausted, but great. After a restful sleep at the church (a thousand times better than the bus), we got up and had a light breakfast. Then we headed down to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. It was wonderfully fascinating. The aquarium is one of the best in the world. It focuses only on the marine life in Monterey Bay. The most interesting exhibit was the kelp forest, the only place where kelp is found inside. The aquarium is filled with water right from the Bay, brought in through pumps that used to be used for the cannery there. It was great to see the sea life that we'll be gong by on our ride. And it even came in handy today, the first day of biking.

After the tour of the aquarium and all the "critters," we met together and prepared for our riding by going over the rules of etiquette and some safety precautions. Then we split up into seven groups. My group, which I personally feel is the best, is Randy Cronk, group leader, Dennis Bailey, Tim Pressler, Chip Wall, Scott Jones and Ed Hardnett. We started from the church and rode around Pebble Beach to Carmel. In between was some of the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen. We saw gorgeous shorelines, beautiful sunsets and breathtaking mountains. At one of our many stops, we saw a rock covered with sea lions. On shore the body of a sea lion (dead) washed up on shore. Once again I was able to see man's works against God's and God one hands down. Gorgeous houses and scenic golf courses (and houses with golf course on their front yards) and fancy cars galore.

But the coast and the life and the beauty of nature are what I'll remember always. All the scenery alone would have made the trip fantastic, but the group I rode with made it awesome (yeah!). Dr. Cronk stopped often enough so we could get pictures and make sure we took in everything (no, I'm not brown-nosing, thank you). The rest of the guys were helpful and hilarious and helped make the trip great (hey, a little alliteration never hurt anyone).

We stopped by the Carmel Mission when we got in town, but it was closed. Hopefully, we'll get to go tomorrow. Tonight we're staying in a youth center. Class was great tonight. Again, it wasn't so much the lesson but the getting together and sharing. I'll never look at mushrooms the same again. I really haven't seen much of Mike and Laurie today, but for some reason it's not bothering me as much. The only problems now are that I haven't written my friends back home (I can't find stamps) and that I'm beat. We start at 9:00 AM tomorrow and go 35-40 miles. Well, time for bed! More tomorrow (if I survive!) Æ

Tunes: king's x - we are finding who we are (live)

Wandering Wheels - 6 January 1991

Goodness gracious, we had yet on one more jam-packed day today. Last night about 1:00 AM we crossed into wild and wonderful California! Unfortunately, they confiscated all of our apples on the bus (which were the only things keeping me from spending twice as much on food).

By the time I woke up in the morning, we were well into California and on our way to Santa Cruz, where we spent most of our day. First we stopped at the Natural Bridge National Park, which was a nesting place for the Monarch Butterfly during winter. It was wild, because they clustered together and looked like a group of dead leaves. They mostly slept, 'cause it was too cold for them to fly or even move. From there we hopped on the bus and drove to Long Marine Laboratory, which is owned by UCSC. There was a skeleton of a blue whale there, as well as various sea creatures which we could pick up and touch, like star fish and sea anemone. We almost go to see the dolphins and see elephants, but hey turned us away at the door (bummer).

From there we went to the Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park to look at the giant redwoods. It was incredible! It amazed me how old and how big they were. After Las Vegas, it was interesting that God's monuments are much more breathtaking than man's. I could have spent hours in the woods just walking around. This trip is truly showing me the wonders of God's earth. I'm so excited about riding down the coast. It's going to be great.

On the way to Monterey (which is where I am now), I saw a beautiful sunset. Unfortunately, I was unable to get a picture since we were in the bus at the time. I sure hope I get some pictures before this trip ends. Anyway, I'm staying at the First Baptist Church of Monterey. We got our first taste of Wheel's cooking and it was wonderful. We learned a couple of songs to sing in the service and I "testified" about the trip out. I love sharing in churches. It's great meeting people and it's a great feeling to know that people are thinking about you on the trip.

After a movie on Wheels, we had our first class session. It last half an hour and was really pretty interesting. Dr. Cronk read from All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and talked about how we need to not just sit around and say it's all been done. These session will be a good time I feel.

Then (I told you this day was packed) we all hit the Bay, cannery Row. We walked along the beach and had a wonderful time. Mike was walking on the rocks and got stuck out in the middle when the tide came in. I laughed so hard. It was very amusing (at least to me). Then we walked around the town a little. For some reason I'm still feeling like a third wheel around Mike and Laurie. I think it's just because they're so close and I realize I'm not part of that. I'm continuing to get to know more of the Taylor people, which is fun and exciting. A few more people joined us today and we finally have everyone here. Tomorrow we bike for the first time. I can't wait! Ɔ

Tunes: breathe - how can i fall

i am so not here today

school, that is.

 

i mean, physically i'm here, but my brain is somewhere else completely at the moment.  the only problem is, i'm not sure where it is.  i at least hope it's having a good time, maybe sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere, or enjoying a walk outside in the woods on the side of a mountain.  if it's not here, it might as well be enjoying itself.

 

been pondering resolutions and for whatever reason i can't seem to come up with any.  i mean, eat better, exercise more, blahty blahty blah, but i'm really not feeling resolute at the moment (yes, i know, improper use of the word.  i'm being witty.  or at least i think i am).  to quote calvin:

 

"See, in order to improve oneself, one must have some idea of what's "good."  That implies certain values.  But as we all know, values are relative.  Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity.  Virtue isn't "better" than vice.  It's just different.  I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior."

 

To which hobbes replies, "I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance."

 

seriously, bill watterson is a genius.

 

i'm quickly realizing the posting of my thoughts from the bike trip are more than just a bit on the painful side, as i'm sure everyone has realized.  ah well.  i toyed with the idea of keeping a snarkastic commentary along with them, to take some of the sting out, but really, what does it matter?  not like there's anything there that most people reading this don't already know.  i mean really, did anyone expect that it would be all daisies and butterflies?  i am a bit disturbed by some of the parallels to my life now.  i sincerely believe i've grown and changed as a person, but reading these entries makes me wonder at time.  at least i'm consistent, right?

 

i remember in high school hearing my youth pastor describe me as a buoy - up and down, but always consistently in the same place, setting boundaries.  guess it's better than a yo-yo.  :)  i've always been drawn to the quote by walpole:  "Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."  i realize i lean heavily, especially in my writing, to the tragedy side.  but there are parts of life i find freaking hilarious.  i hope as i've grown older i've moved to the center of these ideas.  but too often i stray to feeling instead of thinking.

 

maybe i should resolve to think more in the coming year.

 

hmmm, that doesn't sound like a good idea.  maybe feel less?

 

maybe get over myself (and suddenly all my readers go "YES! That one!").

 

meeting after school.  then janet and matt are coming over at 8:00 to do a little rehearsal for sunday's celebration.  hopefully i don't crash too hard before all that is done.  gotta love fridays.

 

better go make sure i'm ready for fourth bell.  at least they're taking a test.  and here's hoping fifth bell isn't completely out of control.  please oh please oh please....

Æ

 

Tunes:  beck - oh maria

 

Wandering Wheels - 5 January 1991

So much to say, so little time. My was this a full day. And an empty day. First stop today was the Grand Canyon. The scenery on the way in was gorgeous. It;s amazing how beautiful things can be when they're different. We stopped along the South Rim of the canyon to see...and all we saw was fog. The only time I've ever been or may ever be at one of the most beautiful places in the U.S. and I can't see it.

The best part was that we finally got to take showers. Boy, do I feel a lot better now!

Not being able to see the Canyone sort of put a damper on the rest of the day. Here we are again, talking about expectations not being reached. Actually, a lot of this trip so far has been failed expectations, which, of course, means that I probably set my expectations too high. It's hard to write this right now because I'm feeling depressed (again). And I hate myself for it. All I do is whine all the time about what I'm not getting to do, not feeling how I want to. I'm ruining my trip. And even now I'm doing it. Enough.

We got to see an IMAX theater presentation about the Grand Canyon, which was great. At least I got to see the Canyon that way. From there we headed to Las Vegas. On the way, Mike an I wasted Laurie and Ed in euchre, which was amusing. Then, just as I was finishing The Shining, we drove over the Hoover Dam. It was incredible! Hard to believe something man made can look that beautiful The bus stopped on the other side and we all got off the bus. And just then they turned out all the lights! So much for pictures.

So we all jumped ack on the bus and headed to Las Vegas. Coming out of the mountains and seeing all the lights was great. But to be honest I hated Las Vegas. It was so depressing. All the excesses, all the lonely people, all the waste. My head seriously hurt when I was done. As far as groups go, I'm starting to get to know more people, which is nice. However, I feel like I'm alienating myself (being alienated?) from Mike and Laurie. There's that vicious circle again. I'm depressed because I'm not included but I'm not included because I'm depressed. Arrghh! I hate this. you'd think I'd beat this by now. No such luck. Maybe I'll get some insight on this trip. I hope and pray so. Æ

Tunes: luna - new haven comet

Wandering Wheels - 4 January 1991

(if nothing else, this journal will help me keep track of the date!)

Time to write again. Gee, it's the second day and already this sounds like a routine. I hope it doesn't end up being how it sounds. I honestly thought I wouldn't have much to talk about today. Hours upon hours of riding on a bus can be monotonous, especially when you write about it in a journal. But a couple of things have been going through my head. First is about my self-concept. And expectations. Actually, this silly journal has something to do with it. I think I think I'm some great thinker occasionally, that in the future people are going to read this and go, "Wow. What a deep person. And what fascinating insights into life he has." But more and more recently I'm realizing that I'm not as important as I think I am or will be or have been. I'm just (God forbid) AVERAGE. Well, maybe a little aove, but not too much. And that's scary. Funny thing is, I still think I could change it. And who knows, maybe I will. Right now I'm not doing near enough, if anything. And THAT'S scary. Life sucks when you don't live up to your own expectations.

But I think I'll stop floating around on that big sea of self-pity now. As I now write this, I'm farther West than I have ever been. I've been in Texas for the first time and by the time I write again tomorrow, I'll have seen the Grand Canyon (and there was much rejoicing). Actually, right now we're approx. 1000 miles from L.A. (ooh, exciting). Ah, but I digress.

We stopped at a mall in Amarillo, TX and were told to be back by 8:30 (Texas time, that is). Laurie, Mike and I were going to eat in the mall but decided (actually, our wallets decided) we'd eat at Burger King across the road. So we had a nice meal and then sat around talking for a while. Then about 8:10 (TX time) we decided to head back. What we didn't realize was taht everyone else had decided they wanted to go to another mall, since the one we'd stopped at was for the most part closed. So as we walked across the ice slickened streets of Amarillo, the bus, filled with all the other students who had be waiting for us to return so they could get to their shopping, drove toward us and picked us up. I had mixed feelings about it. We hadn't done anything wrong. I mean, how were we supposed to know everyone else wanted to blow the joint and that we were holding them up? Yet at the same time I felt guilty for making EVERYONE wait. In fact, I sat in the bus instead of going into the second mall because of it. But I'm still convinced I did nothing wrong. Ah, these pesky moral dilemmas. As I close, I thought I'd let whoever reads this know that Laurie has decided that she will not defecate for the entire month. Should be a L-O-N-G month. Æ

Tunes: shriekback - faded flowers

this could be fun...or really, really painful

so fifteen years ago today i went on a trip. mvnc offered j-term classes - basically a semester's work in about three weeks. nice program, especially since it allowed for some great opportunities. one of them was a bike trip down the coast of california, for which you received four college credits - three psych credits for Group Behaviors and one PE credit for Advanced Bicycling.

anyway, part of the class was to keep a journal and so i thought it might be fun, being the fifteenth anniversary of the trip, to let others see what i was like fifteen years ago. i'm afraid to find out how little i've changed. should be interesting. i'll try to label the posts so those of you wanting to avoid them can. i don't imagine they're too long, but they might be a bit painful. we'll see. do keep in mind i was still only 20 years old.

so without further ado, California 1991: Highway One/Wandering Wheels

*************************************
And we're off, goin' to California. To be truly honest, I wasn't as excited as I thought I'd be to leave. I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm on the edge of some large change and to be honest, I'm not sure if it's good or bad. So my trip started with rather mixed emotions. So far the trip has been ratehr uneventful. We left "The Naz" about 1:00 and traveled to Upland, IN and Taylor University. 24 of us traveled and there we met up with 15 from Taylor. There we ate dinner at a place called Ivanhoe's, which supposedly the best food around.

OK, I'll be honest. I started this last night and then we (were) forced to go to sleep and right at this moment the last thing I want to do is write in this journal. I'm feeling like excrement. Sleeping last night was a lot like sleeping in a coffin, for there was about 3" between my nose and the ceiling. Someone said that normally you go to sleep and you don't wake up 'til breakfast. Nnnnnh! Thanks for playing. I woke up every time the bus stopped. So, as stated earlier, I feel like excrement. I alraedy feel like I'm not getting anything out of this and I feel like an irresponsible jerk. Mike is doing much better than I. I'm not soaking it all in enough, not attuning myself to this trip and all it has to offer. I'm not feeling good about myself right now. And to be honest, I'm not sure why. Of course, knowing me, it'll probably change by tonight. Well, we ate breakfast at Catoosa, OK, wh ich means I slept (sorta) through Illinois and Missouri. Bummer. Maybe part of my problem is I look like one of the undead. So far I haven't met too many new people from Taylor yet. Hopefully I'll get a chance sometime soon. I talked to Dennis Bailey for the first time last night. He seemed pretty OK. Hopefully I'll get to know everyone by the end of the trip. Man, I can't get this bandana on. Oh well. Æ

Tunes: paul jones - diggin mammas tatters

resolutionless

doesn't feel like a new year. haven't given much thought to resolutions. still not sure what to make of last year.

i am the very model of indecisiveness at the moment.

barely pulled myself out of bed this morning, found my way to school eventually, got enough done to be able to go back and teach tomorrow and may at least have the foundation for what i want to do with IIB when we do short stories. we'll see.

spent the evening at the havens celebrating gina's birthday (which is officially tomorrow, but tonight worked better for all involved). great meal, great company. i still freak josie out, which makes me a little sad. but hey, guess i can't expect to charm all the girls.

5am is going to come far too soon tomorrow.

seems there's not much of significance here tonight.
Æ

Tunes: honeymoon suite - i got a new girl now

i wonder at my lack of wonder

just back from seeing narnia. i can sum up my experience in two words:

mostly bored.

and this bothers me. i was looking forward to being swept up in the fantasy, the magic of narnia. but i sat there most of the time wondering how much longer it was going to go on. it wasn't a horrible movie, but neither was it magical. i never felt transported outside of this reality.

is that my own failing or that of the film?

obviously others have been transported, others have loved it, others have been swept away.

so it must be me.

i'd like to recapture that sense of wonder, to be overwhelmed again. but this wasn't the film to do it. i even breathed a prayer that God would remove any cynicism from my heart and allow me to enjoy the film as a child would.

i guess His answer was no.

off to bed. up early for prayers, then i should be heading off to school to get set for the coming week. and the rest of the trimester in IIB. still not sure how i'm going to work the short story unit. must be something i can do. i'll think on it tomorrow.

oh, and happy new year, by the way.
Æ

Tunes: don henley - boys of summer

final thoughts

on my way to usher in the new year with elizabeth. i leave 2005 with some haikus from yesterday's walk around mt. airy and a prayer from thomas merton. goodbye 05. here's to 06.
Æ

***********************************
luminous she seeks
darkened corners desperately
needing connection

gnarled fallen fingers
stretch to touch the stilled waters
lost beneath the leaves

i'm looking forward
hoping the past won't sneak up
to steal what waits there

cuts left by lovers
seeking immortality
heal year by rough year

do you feel these scars
callously inflicted by
our selfish passion

white blurs mistaken
for mere humans running through
your forest stillness

our violent natures
lie splattered against nature's
peaceful solemness

in my solitude
reminders assail my thoughts
of our falleness

how long will it take
before fallen majesty
deteriorates

blackened former life
shows what lies just below these
multicolored leaves

an idea forms
wishing to be whispered to
distance unaware

barren winter woods
breathe secrets unheard amidst
autumn's lost glory

you watch curious
unmoved waiting wondering
whose stare will break first

i climb the stone stair
stopping for lack of breath while
destiny divides

i will never love
another, i swear, until
her eyes eclipse yours

these spidered limbs creep
from beneath this web of leaves
dessicated, dead

trees full of dead leaves
whisper rejections to the
jealous forest floor
***********************************

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain
where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that
I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that
desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the
right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I
will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the
shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and
You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thoughts in Solitude

Tunes: david bowie - young americans

kong, part ii, or son of kong....

was going to do this a reply to peanutdowns thoughtful post, but figured if others were like me, no one would actually read the reply (i usually only read my own comments....).

obviously my communication skills were lacking during my previous post. i enjoyed kong. a lot. it was what i expected it would be. probably one of the better films i've seen this year, and certainly one of the best "blockbusters" i've seen in a while. and peanutdowns makes the excellent observation that the story was deep enough to be open to a variety of interpretations. i guess when i said "bare minimum of a story," i meant....well, not sure, exactly. maybe it's just because i know the story already and it didn't go much deeper than the original. not that it had to, of course - it is a remake, after all. i felt the story was much like bilbo at the end - like butter scraped over too much bread.

and i'm not convinced my post was meant to be a literary look at kong, more a personal response to what i saw. trust me, i can do the literary thing. but this wasn't what that was. or not what i intended it to be. it's what i felt more than what i thought.

and why do i feel the need to justify what i said?

as for the other part of the post....maybe i should have labeled my question rhetorical :) for those not following along at home:

"i mean, if a 25 foot tall gorilla can get a girl like naomi watts to like him, why can't i?" You must first learn to love yourself before anyone else will.

which raises the question, do i love myself? i've often been accused of self-loathing, justifiably on certain days. but i don't imagine that's something unusual for most of us. and my default position seems to be self-deprecation - the old idea of do it to yourself before others do it to you. so i don't doubt it seems like i don't like myself very much.

And I don't believe it's the way you were raised
or the cards you were dealt
or a poor self-image
I think you love yourself too much

this probably comes closer to my problem - i love myself too much. i honestly am quite happy with the person i am - in many ways i've become exactly who i've always wanted to be. and i am surrounded by people who like and love that person, too. so maybe i should just stop my bitching and moaning and get over myself.

good advice, indeed.

my disconnect comes because i've yet to love (and here i'm speaking romantically) someone who has loved me back i have too many amazing friends to believe i am unlovable. but i've never romantically made the connection. but that has more to do with other failings on my part - attracted to the wrong women, cowardice, a penchant for giving up too soon - than the idea that i don't love myself.

and maybe i love myself so much i've set my standards too high.

geesh, like i want to think about this stuff now - i'm on break, for crying out loud :)

nothing planned today - literally. should probably give the grotto a good cleaning since it's become apparent the work i was going to do around here is not going to happen. yesterday's shopping excursion was painful - my head felt like i'd spent the entire day taking a standardized test. but i did get a christmas tree - probably should take it out of the box and set it up, make sure it's what i want. will probably take tomorrow and go on a hike in the morning - hopefully the weather will cooperate more.

and i still haven't decided what i'm doing for new years. probably should get on that....
Æ

Tunes: old 97's - am i too late?

score another one for the alpha male

yeah, i know, i have issues.

saw kong tonight. pretty much what i expected - excellent effects, the bare minimum of a story, actors doing their best to react to a green screen. would have been worth the money i spent had we not chosen to see it in the director's hall (which is the biggest freaking rip off in the world, but that's a story for another time). so a good movie. not great, but good.

however....

maybe i put too much thought into this (ok, just remove the maybe), but i couldn't help feeling this was a story about the power of the alpha male and how it is this that women want, not the namby pamby guy. kong is the quintessential alpha male - takes what he wants, treats the girl as something to be possessed, talks little, shows his love by his actions (granted, it mostly involves killing other creatures/rivals), saves the girl from the horror of living a mundane life, etc. and ann falls for him, so much that she's willing to climb to the top of the (very phallic) empire state building to be with him.

as a confirmed omega male, i question the romantic idea that the woman can "tame" the beast, which seems to be one of the messages of the film (implied, at least). always been uncomfortable with the idea of "saving" anyone through a relationship. and there were scenes in the film where kong seemed like nothing more than a violent, angry drunk frat boy. and we all know my issues with frat boys (insert your own joke about my jealousy here).

i guess it comes down to me not getting the connection between ann and kong. or maybe it's just projection on my part - i mean, if a 25 foot tall gorilla can get a girl like naomi watts to like him, why can't i?

happy holidays, everyone.

here's been my issue so far this break - i'm having a hard time determining when i'm relaxing and when i'm just being lazy. not so bad the last couple of days, but something doesn't seem quite right about sleeping the day away, no matter how good it feels to stay curled up in bed.

i'm actually up late tonight killing time because i'm waiting for the dryer to finish so i can put sheets on my bed. this is what happens when you go out to see a 3 1/2 hour movie - domestic activities are put on hold.

i have no plans for the rest of the week - literally. after i get up tomorrow for prayers, i have nothing scheduled. keep thinking i'd like to head to columbus to see a couple of people, but i haven't talked to them and don't know if they're even in town. hmmm. all i do know is i don't want to think about school until, oh, monday of next week. though if anyone has a great way to teach short stories, i'd love to hear about them.

ok, time to trek to the basement and see if my whites are dry. more tomorrow, perhaps.
Æ

Tunes: wally pleasant - barista

A Christmas Greeting and Gift

Taft Finale 2000 - Over the Rhine, Ron Sexsmith, Leigh Nash

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)