what in the name of all that is holy

am i doing up at this hour?

for the record, it was indeed only intermission when allen came in. the concert lasted until after 1:00 AM. at least everyone left in a timely manner. unfortunately, this included anyone to help with tear down and since i had to wait until the lone sound guy was able to get all of his stuff torn down and onto his truck, i didn't leave mason until around 3:30AM.

this is ridiculous.

allen had an excellent suggestion - from now on, if an event runs over by more than an hour, then we should get time and a half. or double time. or triple time. geesh, glad i didn't have anything else planned for the evening. what if i had made plans to meet up with friends at a bar after the gig? (unlikely, i know, but still) it didn't seem to bother them that they had gone over, that they basically were holding five people's lives hostage (i'm including the custodians in this as well).

of course, the extra four hours of pay will help.

Easter saturday is always a bit odd. falling between the darkness of good friday and the celebration of resurrection morning, it's a day ripe for contemplation. it seems a bit off kilter to be running errands, working, visiting. should be a day for mourning, of remembrance. but this is the way life is, no? we must continue on with life. i think of the deaths during this lenten time, chad and mark, and remember how sometimes doing the mundane daily activities helped to take my mind off the sadness. those simple moments of every day life reminded me that life goes on, as cheesy as that may sound.

the question becomes, then, how do i spend the day? alone or with friends? i'm leaning toward alone (gee, big surprise there). must go to lowes. going to head to sam ash to get some strings. maybe over to cincinnati mills to finally buy some steelers super bowl paraphernalia might shop a bit for my new birks. lots of consumerism. but then, i did earn an unexpected extra $100 last night.

we'll debate the selfishness of spending it all on myself at another time.

looks to be a beautiful day outside. here's hoping i can stay awake for it....
Æ

ps one more day 'til the tunes return. woohoo!

'twas bound to happen

i was outed last night.

cast went out to hamburger mary's last night for a little "maryoke" after rehearsal. lots of singing. many adult beverages. and the best burger i've had in a long time. i even found a karaoke song that didn't have a four minute instrumental - weird al's "one more minute."

so anyway, we're hanging around, crammed against the wall my the masses of humanity gathered there and robert, slightly inebriated, asks if he can ask me a personal question. uh oh, i thought to myself. here it comes. been wondering when someone would finally ask. he was quite polite, not wanting to offend me. said he knew where everyone else stood, but couldn't figure me out, so he figured he'd just ask.

so, are you gay or straight?

finally. i didn't have to hide in the dark any longer. i could let the truth be known, squash all the rumours and wonderings. no more secrets. no more silence. i took a deep breath.

straight. definitely straight.

he apologized for asking, not that i really cared. i mean, in this day and age, when anything is possible, it's a reasonable question i suppose. and it's not like i give off many clues one way or another. or if i do, i certainly don't mean to. or recognize that i do. which is part of the problem perhaps. if it's a problem at all.

i found it funny. which is why i share.

am sitting at mms auditorium while the hindu society of cincinnati holds a fundraising concert for their new cultural arts center. supposed to end at midnight, but i don't see that happening. concerts still going (it's now after 11) and they still have food to eat afterwards. i could easily see this pushing 1am. contrary to my best intentions, i got no grading done. just not in the right place is the excuse i'm going with. not much sleep last night, between mary's and the party going on down the street and the thunderstorms that rolled through early this morning. hopefully tonight is much better. i did finish of the da vinci code. definitely a well-written mystery. as for the "reveations" the book gives, they didn't affect me much one way or another. raises interesting questions on what i might do if i did discover all i believed was built on lies, but not much beyond that. i don't doubt there has been corruption in the church throughout the ages - it is a human institution, after all. and i know we've lost touch with much of the sacred feminine in church history. but too many flaws in the theory proposed byt he book to take it as more than an interesting diversion.

candice and her friend amy came down to the 'wood this afternoon to walk through via crucis with me. good to wander through the stations, though doing so during the day definitely gave it a different feel. am hoping to walk through them again tomorrow night, before it comes to an end. some powerful moments. plenty to ponder. just wish i'd had more time to process it with candice. but there'll be time later.

no plans for tomorrow, nothing solid at least. a movie, perhaps? cleaning the house? a trip to lowes? have decided i need to buy a new pair of birks - the pair i have (which i'm convinced aren't true birks, but cheap knockoffs - 'tis what i get for using ebay) are slowly disintegrating. need a real pair, one that will last. will probably see what i find at the local birk store. i'm afraid the price might freak me out -but then, this is why i subject myself to things like tonight, right?

sounds like it might be winding down. i am so not getting out of here by midnight. alas. but at least i don't have to get up tomorrow.

allen just came in and said they just announced a ten minute intermission. this is my punishment for being greedy.

ok, enough for now. night!
Æ

i'm a REAL teacher now

the long nightmare is over, at least for a year or so. mason was suitably impressed by the changes i made in my classroom management and as of last friday, i have been offered not the measly one year but a two year contract. whew. good to be validated, good to know i'll be able to keep making rent....er, mortgage payments for at least two more years. i even was rated distinguished (the highest rating) in a couple of categories. excellent.

via crucis began last night at st. e's. if you're in the cincy area, you really need to come experience it - open 11 to 11 daily through saturday. i think. geesh, i guess i should check on that. though actually, maybe i should experience it myself first. wasn't in the right space yesterday. rehearsal ran long tonight. no rush - i'm sure i'll find time before it's over. aaron has good things to say about it if you're interested. we've talked about the "weight" of the space in st. e's and i experienced it again last night. definitely a thin space. looking forward to spending some time there soon.

looks like i'll be heading to kent on the 22nd. not sure who i'll get to see, but jenna and lauri have both responded. hopefully i'll be able to hook up with courtney and jen as well. could be quite the long day, unless i decide to drive halfway there friday night. will have to see what steve is up to and if angela would let me show up late and crash in the guest room. probably a crazy thing to do, but been needing my kent fix (and if we can squeeze in a trip to ray's, all the better).

finished geisha. beautiful book. sayuri is a glorious character and feels real. have moved on to the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. about 2/3 of the way through. so wish i could use it in my classroom, but alas, they drop the F bomb way too much. ah well. maybe i could use excerpts or something.

started a poem last night - my first in a while. but my metaphors kept battling for supremacy so i think i'm going to have to choose one and start over. gives me something to do over break.

three more days. three more days.

kenny asked me yesterday what i'd been thinking about the most lately. and i said something about the compression of time and how it seems to be disappearing far faster than i can keep up. i know it's the time of year and all (plus being involved with the musical and basically working a second job at the auditorium), but more and more i reach the end of the day exhausted with no understanding of exactly how i got to the end. life is blurring and i feel i'm only getting an impression of life, not the ever-important details. hopefully next week will give me the chance to slow down, reorient myself a bit. that's the goal, anyway.

took the new-to-me lawnmower out for her first spin today. took about 45 minutes to finish the job (not counting the having to find a gas can - graciously donated by homer, my across-the-street neighbor - and get some gas to get her to work). couldn't seem to keep my lines straight - i say the lawn is off kilter. couldn't be operator error, right?

sleep calls. tomorrow is peer editing. here's hoping i don't have too many students without some sort of rough draft. they've had plenty of opportunity to get something together. still, you'd be surprised how many won't have anything. or maybe you wouldn't be surprised. i know i'm not any more.

goodnight.
Æ

you were beginning to wonder, weren't you?

gina said it was cruel of me to post a message like my last one and then not post for a week. i say it's a brilliant ploy to play with people's heads.

or maybe i haven't had much time to write.

take your pick.

saturday night and i'm sitting at MMS babysitting the mason community players as they perform "second time around." not an ideal way of spending a saturday night, but it's easy money.

and i worry that perhaps money has taken over my life.

feeling a bit scattered today. brain blown here and there, can't seem to latch onto a consistent state of mind. up down in out prepositions spilling about.

and now i'm rhyming. that can't be a good sign.

four more school days until spring break. not doing anything this year, just sticking around the 'nati, going to rehearsal, working on the house (supposedly). might make a quick run up to kent the 22nd to see jenna's school play. will have to see if we can gather the gang together - and if jenna will have the time/mental ability to be social. nice way to end my "break." hope it works out. been too long since we've been together.

should be grading things. don't wanna. so i won't.

wednesday during our department meeting, one of the teachers brought up a video store that sells/rents "clean" versions of movies and suggested we should look into partnering with them for when we want to use films/clips for our classrooms. and i find i'm of two minds (damn that rhyming thing again). from a teaching standpoint, it would be great. don't have to worry about warping young impressionable minds with words they hear on a daily basis. i mean, don't have to appear to be condoning such language/behavior. and really, some movies could use a litle editing on that front. but then the writer/artist part of me questions what right they have to change my art. who are they to decide what is essential to the film and what can be trimmed away? does art belong to the artist or to the one experiencing the art? so should we put a leaf over michaelangelo's david? cover boticelli's venus? take out the anti-semitic parts of shakespeare? is it ok to change an artists work to make it "safe" for consumption? my gut tells me its wrong. but my brain can see the other side. and in the case of schools, is it better for students to see a "clean" version than to not experience it at all. the history and hollywood class (i would SO love to teach this class) showed a clean version of capote.

thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.

this is simply genius. how do i love mcsweeney's? let me count the ways....

Titles of Songs I
Could Credibly Write
If I Became a Rap Star.

BY GREG HOWARD

- - - -

Ain't Nothin' but a G Thang, Although I Usually Go by "Greg," to Be Honest

Mama Said Have Some Milk and Cookies

Bitches and Hos (I Have Neither/Nor)

I Know Someone Who Has a Friend of a Friend Who's Chillin' on Death Row

Ready 2 Take a Nap

Roll Me a Blunt (Now What Does That Mean Again?)

The Best Tastee-Freezes Are in My Hood

YO Gangsta (Do You Know How to Get to Napa Valley? I Appear to Be Lost)

I Like Medium-Sized Butts ... I Mean, It's Great If They Have Some Dimension but Let's Not Get Carried Away, but on the Other Hand It's No Good When the Legs Just Shoot Straight Up to the Hips and There's Nothing Else There, I Hate That

Smack My Fax Up

need to go pee before the show starts. more later perhaps.
Æ

i was never much good at goodbye

this isn't going to be easy.

been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.

time for that to change.

so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.

time for me to start living in the real world.

so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.

speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.

so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
Æ

Tunes: def leppard - foolin'

like sands through the hourglass

thursday? already? geesh. so much for this week.

busy. that's what i've been. first night in a while i haven't had plans. probably last night for a while, too. i look at my schedule and i think to myself, "self, are you trying to give yourself a nervous breakdown?" of course, self is too busy to notice. here's the next several days....

friday - gathering meeting after school. chess rehearsal
saturday - singing for the chess tournament. babysitting the indian new year. palmer's wake. and oh yeah, my birthday.
sunday - gathering. dinner with the family. chess rehearsal. dinner with the bruesewitzes.
monday - tutoring. babysitting the mason community players
tuesday - more babysitting the mason community players
wednesday - chess rehearsal
thursday - film club. parent teacher conferences.

i'm already exhausted.

woke up way on the early side of dawn this morning with an idea for class today, so got out of bed before my alarm and trekked on up to school to put it all together. good thing i did - my administrator came in today for what i hope and pray is my final observation. went well - students were actively involved in learning with little more than facilitation by me (which is the way i like it). took a bit of work on my part, but hopefully it will be helpful. we'll see. post obs is tomorrow and i'll get my summative. the best thing about the hell i went through last year is this year i look all new and improved. maybe i am, though i don't feel i've changed that much.

house church tuesday was lovely - many gathered, lots of prayer, good time just being in the presence of God and each other. some friends of the nixon's were in town and joined us - they brought music with them, greatly needed. and something we've (well, i've) been missing lately. need to see about changing that. will miss being there tuesday, but mammon and an overdeveloped sense of obligation calls.

from the you should always check your spam folder file: remember how i mentioned the contacts out of the blue? well, strangely enough, a friend from high school happened to run across my blog and e-mailed me. found the message in my spam folder. fun. haven't spoken to her in....well, let's just say a long, long time. man, do i love the internet sometimes. ok, most of the time.

currently reading memoirs of a geisha and am completely enraptured. wish i had read the book before seeing the movie, but too late for complaining now. the movie wasn't bad, but i wonder what the pictures in my head would have been like without ziyi zhang and michelle yeoh already there (not that i'm complaining, mind you....). i'm a book first-movie second kind of guy.

slowly running out of steam. and anything resembling meaning. off to read before my name is earl comes on. love me that intelligent redneck humor.
Æ

farewell again

rest in peace, mark palmer

i only met mark once, last fall when we gathered to pray for him. but the love shown there, the sense of God's presence, was overwhelming. man of God gets thrown around pretty casually nowadays. but from meeting mark and reading his story, even if only the final chapter, i know that he embodied that phrase. i rejoice he is with the Father now - i weep and mourn with those who remain here. pray for amy and micah, surround them with love and comfort.

yet another reminder that so little of this world makes any sense.

april is creeping up on me and i am unprepared. mom called yesterday to talk about birthday plans and i realized i haven't given it any thought. i'm singing at paul brown stadium (home of the *snicker* afc north champion cincinnati bengals) saturday morning for a chess tournament (insert your own joke here). they needed a bass and since the other one in the show is in boston....i might also work the auditorium in the late afternoon (3-7) - jack says it's a cushy job, less than four hours, though i'll get paid for the whole time regardless. tempting. and it will keep me semi-occupied so i don't end up sitting home alone, which at this point is my plan. but then the week is still young (unlike me...).

think i'll go to bed early tonight. cold from friday is still lingering in the shadows, rearing its ugly head occasionally, usually as i'm trying to fall asleep or if i've been sitting too long - kind of like right now. breathe a prayer tonight. tell someone you love them. make sure they know.

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying , soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen
Æ

another day...

...another six hours earning far too much for far too little.

one more hour left before byron comes in to relieve me. quiet morning - was a bit concerned i wouldn't get all the lights on (been a while since i had to run the remote board), but being the supragenius that i am, i figured it out before anyone got here. only one issue - seems we can't turn off the air in the auditorium and it's a bit chilly onstage, mostly because the dancers are wearing less than the emperor in his new clothes and they have about .0000045% body fat. and you know, i know it goes with the territory, but it's still a bit on the freaky side to see 7-11-year-olds wearing more makeup than ronald mcdonald. jon benet anyone?

disturbing discovery today at my local speedway - they installed a frozen pepsi machine. before i had to drive a bit to get one, but now i could walk to it. this does not bode well for me, though it might actually get me a little exercise, walking for an icee/slurpee rip off. the first one wasn't quite mixed right - here's hoping it improves as time goes by.

burning the midnight oil i finished off jPod last night. i enjoyed it, but it was missing something - no "coupland moment"™ i wasn't ever shocked out of reading by a moment when coupland wrote something i had to stop and think about. maybe i just read it too fast. maybe he's moved beyond that. maybe i've moved beyond that. who knows. i'll try to gather my thoughts for an actual review.

rehearsal today - we start act ii. in the continuing oddness of my role in chess, i am one of six actors asked to dress nicely for a full body shot - think we're going to stage the "chess match" for publicity photos. weird weird weird weird weird. looking forward to moving into act ii - i have a bit more to do in this one. was hoping the cast would go out after friday's rehearsal, but everyone took off, so i just went home. i'm trying to make connections, but not succeeding so far. again, not them, just me. of course friday i was sucked into jPod, so i'm sure i came across as less than social (big surprise, eh?).

so in the last couple weeks i've tried to reconnect with some friends i haven't heard from in a while. always a bit odd to come thundering out of the digital blue with an e-mail. worked in one case - going to finally hook up with my friend steve from high school - we have dinner plans next weekend. but the others i've had no response to. now maybe their e-mail has changed and they don't check it very often. but, being the paranoid narcissist i am, i begin to wonder if i've done something to make them not want to be in touch with me. i...must...be...liked.... and if they don't respond, do i make another attempt? or do i take it as a sign they are over me/beyond me/freaked out by me? hmmm.

isn't navel gazing fun?

if you're thinking of trying papa john's new pan pizza....DON'T! bleah. worst. pizza. ever. didn't even finish it. and then i was sick all night long. even wrote the company to express my displeasure - someone has to let them know their new product SUCKS.

such pettiness on the sabbath.

i hope the gathering™ went well this morning. first one i've missed since we started it back in january. i missed being there. and i missed hearing mike helm lead worship - heard so much about him, would have been good to experience it. some other time, i hope. hopefully eric recorded it so i can at least hear it.

i think this is sufficient rambling for now. may be back later tonight - strangely enough i'm completely free from 5:00 on. maybe a trip to the comet is in order....
Æ

getting paid to blog

lovely. at the mason auditorium while the Cathy Roe's Ultimate Dance Competition goes on behind me. maybe not the best way to spend a saturday afternoon/evening, but for what they pay me, i can't complain. plus it gives me time to relax and chill. and grade quizzes, but that's an activity best saved for tomorrow when i'm here for another six hour shift. have to miss our weekly gathering - again mammon wins over God. sad, no? but i do need the cash. and i can't beat the pay, or the lack of work.

still recovering from a cold that attacked me yesterday morning and continues to hang on. bleah. trying to kill it with medicine, which has been ok - comes and goes. bad this morning, but shook it off. probably should have tried that yesterday, but just couldn't make it (which is why i'll have so much to grade tomorrow - unless i decide to hold on to the quizzes and grade them in class monday morning before we head down to the media center.

and none of this is of significance.

wednesday during prime time we had a little "diversity training." break down prejudices, learn not to make assumptions, that sort of thing. some interesting activities, though theere was a quote on one of the handouts that has bothered me a bit (not in an i'm going to obsess over this for days kind of way, just found it interesting - and haven't blogged since then). it gave the "platinum rule" - obviously meant to be an improvement to the ancient (and biblical) "golden rule:" Treat others as they want to be treated. does that bother anyone else? what if i want to be treated like the ruler of all the world? does that mean everyone should defer to my wishes and treat me that way? i think we get into major problems if we start thinking this way. we set ourselves up for being manipulated and used, all in the name of diversity and tolerance.

sorry, give me Jesus' words over this any day.

got an early birthday "present" yesterday from ellescriba - an ARC of doug's newest book, jPod. been causing quite the stir on the couplist. lots of soul searching, lots of stuff brought to the surface, lots of issues raised. i'm about halfway through - plan on finishing it this weekend. i think i understand the discussions raised, but will wait until i finish. no angst in me yet. but there's still half a book to go. i'm enjoying it so far - lots of flash, though not as much substance - but then that's one of the issues methinks.

right now is one of the hardest parts of lent - hours without being able to listen to the music i want to and having to hear the songs the dance teams use - right now it's some kind of techno hoedown (i kid you not). earlier it was mc hammer. i may have to hide any sharp objects on jack's desk.

ok, off to read more of jPod. maybe update my april calendar. maybe a nap. is this a great paying gig or what?
Æ

ruminations of an insecure actor

yesterday sucked and i don't want to talk bout it - or can't talk about it. so let's talk about something i can.

chess has been frustrating at best and i've been struggling to figure out why. i feared it was simple pettiness, sour grapes over not getting a larger role. but that's never really been my modus operandi. sure, a more active role would have been great - but i am truly grateful to be in the show.

so what's the problem? i think it's because i'm stuck inbetween. i'm definitely not a principal, though it's how i'm referred to in the script. i haven't actually counted lines, but it amounts to only a handful of scenes. those scenes, however, are significant enough that i cannot simply disappear into the chorus. at least that's what i've been told. but it seems other minor principals are able to. but those are directorial decisions and i trust mark knows what he's doing.

and yet, because i'm not able to be in the chorus, i feel disconnected from the rest of the cast. i'm on the periphery and for once, oddly enough, it's not all my own doing. so i don't fit with the principals, i don't fit in the chorus. and that's been my frustration, i think. it's the nature of the role - it's not well-written or developed, which is good because it gives me plenty of space to work within, but is bad because i get little opportunity to show that development on stage. a challenge is how i'm needing to look at it, but i'm convinced there's not enough to the role to make an impact. that's not said out of self-pity, but out of the realization that Nikolai is not essential to the musical - write him out and nothing is lost. i blame the writer - he did not make it clear what he had in mind for this character (if indeed he had anything in mind).

which leads to this sad understanding - the director knew this character was like this and he chose me to play the role. i'm torn how to take it; either he recognized my acting ability and knew i could do something with this nothing role, or....sensing my vocal and dancing abilities were minimal, he placed me in a role where i could do the least amount of damage. most likely it's a combination of the two. or maybe i'm giving this too much thought and he just needed a warm body and he somewhat randomly chose me.

so if you're thinking of coming to see Chess, ask yourself why. if it's to see an underrated and rarely performed musical that promises to be a wonderful night of musical theatre, then please, buy a ticket and come. but if you're primary motivation is to come see me, then you'd be best served by saving your time and money.

hmmmm....thought after rambling a while that i might want to talk about yeserday. but i don't.

praying for a snow day tomorrow....
Æ

the ides of march

i really should know what those are. but i've forgotten. and i'm too lazy to ask google to help.*

at chess rehearsal, waiting to say my one of two lines for tonight. repeat after me - there are no small parts, only small actors.

i'm feeling tiny this evening.

luckily i anticipated this and brought my moleskine with me to jot down ideas. thoughts. words. random musings of a somewhat significant nature.

long day at school - OGT week. i'm sure i've belabored my disdain for standardized testing - easy target, but a futile one that isn't going to change any time soon. my class finished with an hour left in the testing time (they get 2 1/2 hours per test). makes me a bit nervous since it was one of my tests - writing. i'm afraid they didn't write enough, which is usually the problem. but too late now to worry. tomorrow i'm taking a break from proctoring (heh - dirty), which means i nee to find somewhere to go (they're using my classroom for testing) and something to do. i have plenty of grading - bad planning on my part - and i should be looking ahead. but i haven't and i can't think more than a day in advance this week.

enough tedium, though i prefer the tedium at times to the chaos of last weekend.

looking for a bright side - been reminded just how blessed i am by my friends. calls, e-mails, visits - all have helped me deal with this a bit at a time. if left to my own devices, i'd probably crawl into a hole, struggle through on my own. never know what to say to people, never know how to respond, never feel i'm doing or saying the right thing. so i'd prefer to stay by myself. luckily, my friends haven't let me do that 'cause, seriously, i would be a mess. meant a lot to have andy and bea show up for the viewing monday night - they didn't even know chad, but they were there. the power of presence. i know there are no words, but it's so easy to think that's all we can offer when, as i'm constantly reminded, it's being there that they remember anyway. so to all who have called and cajoled and e-mailed and prayed - thank you.

excellent news - tax info came back from gary today - refund is on its way. have to pay the city of norwood (forgot to tell the school's treasurer i had moved - oops), but still will get enough back to help me, oh, i don't know, have a savings account again. most of it will probably go to house stuff and day to day bills, but would be good to set some aside for a purchase of some sort. been toying with getting a new computer since this one is about six years old (which is about 976 in human years) and always seems on the verge of a major malfunction. i fear crunching the numbers that i'll have to wait some more, but we'll see. need to make sure i'm financially sound before i start dreaming.

home again and the silence is a bit overwhelming. this whole music thing is insane. the thought crossed my mind to amend my lenten promise after this weekend - no music except for U2 - but i've decided to stick it out. my biggest fear is i use music to help me process life events and i'm curious to know how the lack of music will help or hinder my processing of chad's death. sounds trivial, i know, but music is my touchstone for the events of my life. but maybe it's good that silence will be my marker for this time. we'll see. gotta say, though, it's not getting any easier as time goes by. i miss my tunes.

rehearsal finished early, thankfully. glad to have a little down time tonight to type stuff up and relax. veronica mars is new tonight (finally!) so it will be good to burrow into the comfy chair and watch. here's hoping it's been worth the wait. thought about bringing grading home, but with nearly three hours of school time to work on it tomorrow, i decided a night off was worth it.

enough of the rambling. no need to make up for lost time. just glad i've found time and the desire to speak again. night.
Æ

* The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity. The Roman calendar organized its months around three days, each of which served as a reference point for counting the other days:

• Kalends (1st day of the month)
• Nones (the 7th day in March, May, July, and October; the 5th in the other months)
• Ides (the 15th day in March, May, July, and October; the 13th in the other months)

The remaining, unnamed days of the month were identified by counting backwards from the Kalends, Nones, or the Ides. For example, March 3 would be V Nones—5 days before the Nones (the Roman method of counting days was inclusive; in other words, the Nones would be counted as one of the 5 days).

i have nothing to share but cliches

but i suppose it's better than nothing.

i hope.

death has a way of reorienting us - we recognize what's truly important, what's truly meaningless, what's missing, what we have. the world isn't the same as it was before. it's different. we're different. which causes all kinds of problems since most days we don't like to think about these things. we don't like to dwell on the larger questions because, frankly, it takes too much out of us. it's too hard and we'd prefer to just live our lives instead of making sense of them.

thank you, chad, for making it impossible for me to ignore the important questions of life.

just returned from our house church meeting where we spent the time processing (i'm growing to hate that word) the past week. steve did some live blogging if you're interested to see what we talked about. maybe it will help you as well. we listened to chad's podcast about poema, the church he and renee were starting in norwood. good to hear his voice again. good to listen to his heart. one important moment - he was talking about going through tragedy and the questions that come up and it was almost like he was speaking right to us - how we may not understand why they happen, but we know God can do miraculous things through them. all of our mouths kind of dropped at that moment.

we all felt chad was there - not in a typical, he's-here-as-long-as-we-remember-him kind of way. but in a real, physical presence. we talked how thin the walls between this reality and God's reality truly are and how death makes that thinness even more evident. i pray God will continue to remind us of that.

chad's the first non-family member close to me to ever die, so obviously there's significance there. but more than that, there are curious parallels to our lives that have really impacted me. beyond the surface stuff - love for U2 and the steelers - we were alike in many ways. we both left "professional ministry" to seek a less traveled path. we both sought for the intersection of our faith and the arts. we both tended to be slow to speak, introverts. soaking it all in before saying anything. these similarities have cause me to question many parts of my life. some of that is the old cliche, "it could have been me." some because in many ways, he was living my life better than i am (and i mean that in the best way possible). it was eerie at times to reread his blog and discover that he had many of the same thoughts i had, same questions.

i really don't have any grand insights here, just ideas that have passed through my head this week. some i'll keep to myself - i'll be burning an entire notebook page of excrement i spewed forth yesterday (not helpful to anyone, other than me to get it out of my system). and i certainly have no answers to the questions pummeling me over and over again. and that's ok, i think. i don't need the answers. i am content letting the questions shape me for a while.

sorry i've been absent for so long. hit a bad spot there for a while. actually, i almost gave up blogging completely. but like an addiction, i can't seem to shake it. so i'll be here for a bit longer. forgive me if i become preoccupied for a while - i'll try not to make every post about how i'm dealing with this. there's plenty of frivolousness for me to expound on still and i'll get to it soon (like how it looks like i picked a bad time to give up music....).

good night, my friends.
Æ

for chad

you planted yourself here
amid this broken urban landscape
to shape your own soul
yet we find the city ourselves
transformed by the force of your life
your love your passion for the deep places
of this shallowed existence

and the echoes ring even now
down streets you walked
over dreams you laid before us
in hearts you opened to the possibility of God

we speak of mystery
of glasses darkly and whirlwinds unfathomable
of ways beyond our understanding
hoping to convince ourselves
this will all make sense someday
but this silence stuns
and we stand staring at this hole
believing God is on the other side
straining to see through the darkness
to the Light hiding in the shadows

Father, help our eyes to adjust soon

until then we’ll share stories
of your life too brief yet full
of all that makes life Life
beauty truth passion grace
and Love embodied
and shared and experienced
and missed

help us remember we are but dust
help us remember the spaces between
help us remember it’s Love that reigns
help us remember you
Æ

chad canipe

Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, rain down on he.
So let it be.
So let it be.

Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, let it rain
Rain down on he.

i'll miss you, my friend.
Æ

first moves

i know, cheesy title. what can i say?

some (OK, peanutdowns mostly) have been asking for an update on my experiences as a cast member in Chess. have been meaning to do this, but theendofthetrimester has pretty much occupied all of my time (not to mention the existential angst of deciding i'm not truly a writer - but that's a post for another time). but now that exams are going and i find myself with a miraculous "free night," i thought i'd give some initial thoughts.

first, the musical itself. i have to admit, i'm a bit disappointed. see, i "grew up" on the london version of the show. we're doing the american. and oh my the differences. the songs are there, but some have been changed to fit the new book. and the new book sucks. sorry, no other way to put it. from what i've been able to piece together, mr. rice was unhappy with the way the london production went, so hired richard nelson to rework the book. huge mistake. i don't know what else mr. nelson has done (and i have neither the time nor the interest to find out), but my gosh did he butcher this. the story changes make little sense, the dialogue is stilted at best. don't get me wrong - the show was never really about the story. and the songs will be great to see stage. i'm just disappointed that for legal reasons only the american version can be done here.

that said, it's great to get the opportunity to sing these songs i've been singing in the shower in a public setting. the learning of the songs has been fairly easy, mostly because i'm SO familiar with the soundtrack. and i've realized i've missed singing in a choir/chorus setting. love singing those parts. funny, i'm probably the only true bass in the cast and i'm much more comfortable in the baritone range. fun to hear your typical musical types trying to sing bass lines. makes me laugh (but not out loud, of course. that would be rude).

i hesitate to talk about the cast because, well, i haven't really had the chance to get to know them much (plus, they may someday find my blog and i'd hate to say something i'd have to apologize for later). being the new guy and an introvert to boot, i've been lurking in shadows. but most of the stereotypes are there - if you've ever done a musical or community theatre, you know what i'm talking about. i don't think i'm the only straight guy, but i'm guessing i'm the minority here. and no, that's not a surprise, just an observation.

as for my role in the musical, i'm beginning to regret actually getting a "named" part. i think i'm going to miss being in the chorus - strangely enough, i may have less to do than many of the cast members. though i do get to learn how to say "f*%k your mother" in russian. i'll be sure to let you know how that goes. speaking of russian, i had my first experience with a dialect coach (rocco's his name, languages his game). i usually have a pretty good ear for accents and have done russian before. but now that i've been "taught" how to do it correctly, i'm having a harder time with it. too much thinking going on. need to learn the "rules" and then just let myself do it instead of thinking about it.

confession: i'm feeling a bit of jealousy. there's a role i wanted to play and i feel pretty confident i could have done it well. and so far, i'm unimpressed with the person playing it. of course, it's early and like i've said, there hasn't been a lot of time to see much of what everyone is doing. but still. is it bad to daydream about someone having to bow out of the show? probably.

so the first couple of weeks have been good and i'm having a great time with the singing. and i'm sure the getting to know people will come soon enough. always takes me a while to "warm up" to people (though i do find myself falling into my "witty, sarcastic thurman" mode a lot, which seems to freak people out a bit - hopefully because they don't know me yet. hopefully....). i'm trying not to think too much about the not getting to sing/dance as much as i'd like and just enjoy the process of putting together the musical. i really do love the music and i think there's enough of the original idea to make it an excellent musical if we do it right. and from what i've been able to tell, we are.

is that enough peanutdowns? :)
Æ

Tunes: king's x - visions

i have the sneaking suspicion....

that God is asking me to give up music for lent.

not all music, just prerecorded music.

no radio (not a big deal)

no cds (tougher, but doable)

no mp3s (yikes!)

gina suggested no playing for worship, too, but that seems going a bit far. this is a personal sacrifice, not something that would affect others (not that we don't have other options, but you know).

hmmm. no background music for 40 days. no music while i surf, no music while i drive, no music while i grade.

obviously, i won't be able to control it all (can't ask restaurants to turn off their muzak, though if i could i would have done it a long time ago). but i can do my part.

shoot. i don't want to do this. which probably means i should. not to be masochistic but because it should be something that means something to me. and this definitely fits that.

now if i can just think of something positive to do during lent, i'll be all set. suggestions always accepted (though not always taken).

yeah, i know, i haven't written in a while. thought about giving up blogging for lent, but that wouldn't be much of a sacrifice at this point.

two days left in the trimester, then two days of exams. just a couple more things to grade. and then it all starts all over again. fun.

how long until summer? heck, how long 'til spring break?

time to go finish off that grading. night.
Æ

Tunes: ratt - i want a woman

telegram for mongo

stuck in grading hell STOP
no time to share the stories of my life STOP
survived VD STOP
chess has begun will give details later STOP
letting possibility slip through my fingers need to STOP
Æ

Tunes: love and rockets - so alive

must be in the air

can't get away from it and ought to just give in instead of fighting tooth and nail like i normally do at this time of the year. some of it i've brought on myself, but really, seems to be something unavoidable.

it's love, baby.

not the type i normally piss and moan about here in thurmanworld. it's not me in love....well, maybe it is. maybe i am in love, i just don't have anyone to focus my attention on. or maybe i do and i'm just not.

maybe i'm talking myself into a whirling dervish.

anyway, enjoyed one of my favourite movies this afternoon with film club - say anything. *sigh* it's so not me. i prefer to be bitter and cynical. and this movie always - always - sucks the darkness right out of me. most disturbing part of showing it - at lunch, NONE of my fellow teachers had seen it. how is this possible? they're all around my age, sort of. i just took it for granted that they'd all seen it. how wrong i was. would have canceled class and made them watch if i thought i could get away with it. and then they looked at me like i was crazy for insisting they watch it. whatever guys. you're the ones missing out.

of course, i hate lloyd dobler because he tantalizes with that rarest of qualities - hope. i watch the movie and i feel it seeping back in. maybe i should watch it every week, though i fear i would build up a resistance to it.

and then, continuing the theme, my name is earl was brilliant yet again tonight. so enjoyable. i think it's doing well enough that it won't be canceled, which is great since it's nice to have a sitcom i enjoy again. it, too, was about love. and karma. and timing. kind of like many of my rants here, minus the karma, of course.

oh, and then, catching up on my x-files watching, who should be on but felicity huffman. weird when obsessions cross-pollinate. seen the episode before, but that was before felicity was on my radar. fun. and oh my, the scene between her and scully checking each other for the worm. just one word: yum.

yep, it's definitely february.

three days until chess officially begins. still haven't had the nerve to e-mail and find out if i am included in the ensemble or if i'm simply nikolai. on one hand, if i'm only nikolai, then not so many rehearsals, which will definitely help me time-wise. but it would also mean not so much singing, which would make me sad. ah well - come what come may. looking forward to meeting the cast. should be entertaining to say the least.

got my copy of monday's pittsburgh post-gazette in the mail today from brent. lovely. here's hoping i find time to sit down and actually read it at some point. or at least look at the pictures.

had hoped to catch people online tonight - have been negligent of my online friends. but they are not around. alas. maybe it means i should just go to bed, or at the very least, crawl under the covers and read some more of fever pitch (seemed like the perfect book to try and understand my own obsession with the steelers). big thanks to anne for the exchange.

ok, enough for the night. keep your eyes peeled for low-flying gods wielding funny shaped arrows - those damn things can hurt.
Æ


Tunes: cake - i will survive

gather ye thoughts while ye may

so seems yesterday, while i was out with my personal day, a bomb threat was found at the school. figured it out when i got into school today and had an e-mail talking about it. great. not that i was overly concerned for my safety. but the message did little to calm fears of an actual bomb threat, so most of my classes were half-filled. and students kept disappearing throughout the day. i mean, once you tell them that it won't be held against them, what's to hold them there? i think the administration did the best they could with a no-win situation. call off school and the kid who pulled the prank wins. ignore the threat and parents feel you're not protecting their students - or worse, have it turn out to not be a prank. rock, meet hard place.

caught a student plagiarizing a PERSONAL narrative yesterday. ridiculous. it's embarrassing how easy they make it to find them - they don't even bother to change the format or fix it so it fits the assignment. calling the parents tomorrow - student automatically gets a zero. and maybe a saturday school, we'll see. i mean if you're going to do it, at least do it well....

finished velvet elvis last night. good book, though not nearly as life-changing as i imagined. perhaps because i've thought through many of the issues presented already? and i'm not sure i gave it a fair reading - sporadic and mostly as i was falling asleep at night. still, will probably be using parts of it in house church, specifically the section on scripture. i've had several "jabs" at our lack of biblical focus (read: in-depth bible study) lately. something we need to address.

lots of hating going on toward two of my favorites - bono and the steelers. obviously the steelers didn't win the super bowl as much as had it handed to them. and bono obviously isn't a real christian or have any idea what he's talking about. *sigh* guess we can't let anyone actually be a success - we must bring everyone down. yeah, i know, i'm a bit biased in this case. still, we do seem to like to rev up our chainsaws and chop everyone down to size, don't we?

sleep beckons. and i must answer. at least it's a short day tomorrow. getting together with steve novotni to do a little bike riding. yes, i know, it's winter. but sounds like fun. and God knows i could use the exercise. plus, it's 3 1/2 miles - how hard could that be? the trickiest part will be not pushing full speed.

night.
Æ

Tunes: over the rhine - let it be

21-10

i know, it was ugly. definitely not a game for the ages. there were questionable calls. there were stunning moments of ineptitude. but when the clock turned to 0:00, only one thing mattered.

Steelers 21 - Seahawks 10

this isn't figure skating. you don't get style points. it doesn't matter if you look good winning, it doesn't matter if you dominate. all that matters is that final score. and while many of the pundits today want me to feel bad for rooting for a team who was "given" the game by the refs, i will simply point out this fact: the steelers played their worst game of the playoffs. and they still won the game. your team must be pretty good to win even playing as poorly as pittsburgh did.

look, i've seen the replays and yeah, i know, i'm on the far side of objective. but jackson did push off, even if it wasn't very much. and to my eyes, the ball crossed the line and was pushed back. and the holding call? yeah, i know, it happens every down. and i understand why seahawk fans are upset for the timing of it. but good teams overcome those things: seattle didn't. pittsburgh did.

and one other point: most said the steelers couldn't win unless ben/porter/polamalu had a big game. none of them did. and they win. to me, that says this was a TEAM, not a gathering of individuals dependent on one or two people to help them to win. the steelers represent what is good about football - teamwork, consistency, unselfishness. it is a quality organization and it feels good to have that quality recognized with a championship.

enough on that.

took the day off to get some grading done - got some, but not as much as i would have liked. amazing how the hours disappear. getting ready to load up the papers and head to chipolte to get away from the distractions here. here's hoping i can stay focused enough. worst part of teaching, hands down. hate the paper load.

a lovely day in steeler nation. bye.
Æ