oh Lord....
less than six hours 'til the final curtain for chess. in some ways it already feels like it's ended. cast party was last night, filled with many meatballs, many drinks and many goodbyes. poor bartender (who definitely had a paul mitchell vibe going on) politely tried to get us to leave at 2:00 am - lights on, obnoxious music playing. but we didn't want to go. heck, uber-introvert that i am stayed until the bitter end (and, in the interest of full disclosure, i was a wee bit inebriated by the night's end - a tall long island and a shot of vodka and lime will do that to you). at least things shouldn't get maudlin tonight, since we have to tear down the set and get it loaded onto the truck before we can go home. looks like i'll see 3AM again tonight.
honestly, though, i'm glad we'll have the distraction tonight. 'twill keep me from pondering the end too much, keep me from desperately wanting to make some final connection before life pulls us apart, set to drift our separate paths. last couple of days have been far too manic-depressive for me. i know 90% of that is simply lack of sleep. still, it's been a battle of minimal proportions to keep my melancholy nature at bay. figures the time i most want/need to be social is the time i'm least equipped to.
and unfortunately, this also seems to be the prime time for me to come to my blog and whine about it. sorry about that.
this has been a wonderful experience. i am still in awe that i actually got to be a part of this production. not many people out there who can list chess on their resume. and while there are those who don't appreciate the musical (*cough* citybeat *hack*), i still think the concept is a good one. and i think our production was well imagined and well executed. not sure where it will rank in terms of my favorite productions - will need to let the sawdust settle a bit before i can make an unbiased evaluation. but it's definitely been worth all the effort - the hours of rehearsal, the self-induced emotional trauma (sadly documented elsewhere on this blog), the lack of sleep, the loss of social life (well, i suppose i can't blame that all on the musical...). at the end of the night, when the curtain comes down....well, the lights go off....when we meander of the stage, i know my life will be better than when i started this.
it's all about the experience. and the people.
enough for this afternoon. probably should go take a nap so i can stay up late tonight, work my tail off. and not think about the end...
Æ
Tunes: richard cheese - bullet the blue sky
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
long and productive day
30 minutes until the season finale of the gilmore girls. here's hoping it's good enough to last me through the summer, though i'm afraid they're going to do some cheesy cliffhanger that will merely make me angry. and with amy and daniel leaving next season, i don't know. i mean, i'm sure i'll watch, but....nah, let's be optimistic. it will all be fine. it will end well and not wander near that large shark pit just waiting off the coast....
i should be at house church, but i'm not. stayed home sick today from school - cough got the best of me. didn't feel like going and infecting people. and honestly, i've enjoyed this little break. perhaps i shouldn't admit that, but it's true. i love my church, i do, but sometimes taking a step away for a bit can help. i know it has me. i'll be jumping back in full force soon enough. and i know they'll still be there, which is helpful. and comforting. and comfortable.
and i'm rambling.
finished one bell of research papers today (what a way to ruin a sick day...) and 25% of another. need to keep on top of this and get them done soon - i actually think i'm ahead of where i was last trimester. of course with performances all weekend, my grading time will be severely limited. as will the desire to grade. i'm off to a good start - here's hoping i don't lose momentum.
i'm anxious to get back to the show. seriously. looking forward to being back tomorrow. nice to have the evenings off, but really, i love doing this show. hmmmm. CMT was supposed to decide which show they were going to excerpt - Chess of 42nd Street. wonder if not hearing anything is a sign....be great to have an opportunity to do part of the show again. at least it's out of my control, so no use worrying about it. right?
so not looking forward to thursday....have film club after school, which won't end until about 4:30. then i'll have to run home, jump in the shower, shave and get set for call by 6:000 pm. no rest for the wicked awesome.
anyone out there want/need tickets to richard iii performed by cincy shakes? i bought a subscription and find myself here at the end with extra tickets. i'm willing to make a good deal if anyone's interested. just e-mail me or post a comment or something for more details.
so i've discovered which dogs have been crapping in my yard - turns out to be two of them. both of them belong to direct neighbors, one a chihuahua looking thing and the other a german shepherd type mutt. going to see about getting some fencing and blocking off the gap i think both of them are using. felt a little bad - saw tennessee (the chihuahua) in my yard and ran to scare it off, only to have the neighbor say it belonged to them. awk with huge side of ward. they apologized, i tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though it has been bothering me. i mean, there are reasons i don't have a pet of my own...at least i don't have to go buy a paintball gun to try to figure out whose dog it is (just kidding...sort of).
ok, live from nowhere vol. 1 is done ripping and it's time for gg, so i'm done. we'll see what kind of time i have the rest of the week. here's hoping i find time here and there...
Æ
Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter
i should be at house church, but i'm not. stayed home sick today from school - cough got the best of me. didn't feel like going and infecting people. and honestly, i've enjoyed this little break. perhaps i shouldn't admit that, but it's true. i love my church, i do, but sometimes taking a step away for a bit can help. i know it has me. i'll be jumping back in full force soon enough. and i know they'll still be there, which is helpful. and comforting. and comfortable.
and i'm rambling.
finished one bell of research papers today (what a way to ruin a sick day...) and 25% of another. need to keep on top of this and get them done soon - i actually think i'm ahead of where i was last trimester. of course with performances all weekend, my grading time will be severely limited. as will the desire to grade. i'm off to a good start - here's hoping i don't lose momentum.
i'm anxious to get back to the show. seriously. looking forward to being back tomorrow. nice to have the evenings off, but really, i love doing this show. hmmmm. CMT was supposed to decide which show they were going to excerpt - Chess of 42nd Street. wonder if not hearing anything is a sign....be great to have an opportunity to do part of the show again. at least it's out of my control, so no use worrying about it. right?
so not looking forward to thursday....have film club after school, which won't end until about 4:30. then i'll have to run home, jump in the shower, shave and get set for call by 6:000 pm. no rest for the wicked awesome.
anyone out there want/need tickets to richard iii performed by cincy shakes? i bought a subscription and find myself here at the end with extra tickets. i'm willing to make a good deal if anyone's interested. just e-mail me or post a comment or something for more details.
so i've discovered which dogs have been crapping in my yard - turns out to be two of them. both of them belong to direct neighbors, one a chihuahua looking thing and the other a german shepherd type mutt. going to see about getting some fencing and blocking off the gap i think both of them are using. felt a little bad - saw tennessee (the chihuahua) in my yard and ran to scare it off, only to have the neighbor say it belonged to them. awk with huge side of ward. they apologized, i tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, even though it has been bothering me. i mean, there are reasons i don't have a pet of my own...at least i don't have to go buy a paintball gun to try to figure out whose dog it is (just kidding...sort of).
ok, live from nowhere vol. 1 is done ripping and it's time for gg, so i'm done. we'll see what kind of time i have the rest of the week. here's hoping i find time here and there...
Æ
Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter
Monday, May 08, 2006
perfect
have been coughing uncontrollably since last night. hard to sleep when your lung is trying to escape through your esophagus.
welcome to monday. only two more left in my school year. that's a thought to scatter away any shadows.
been sorting through metaphors, trying to explain this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment i have from doing the show. but nothing seems to fit. frustrating when words fail me. i stand back stage before the lights go down and the orchestra starts and this rush washes over me and i feel at home. like i belong. this is real, this moment, these hours on the stage. everything else fades away. i'm reminded of the quote by dana on sportsnight: "I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning." that's exactly what i feel.
i think if this was the only place i felt this way, i would be in need of serious therapy (not that i'm not anyway, but i'm just saying....). and i would definitely have to be doing this for a living. and it's one of those things that pushed me here from youth ministry. as secular and selfish as it may sound, my passion for theatre was withering away, dwindling to nothing. and i couldn't let that happen because it's not just a part of me - it is me. without it, i'm someone else.
and the scary thing is, next week at this time it will all be over. and i wonder how soon until i lose touch with these people who have grown to mean so much to me. was talking to rhonda tonight and mentioned i feel like i'm at the end of "the breakfast club," that come next monday, we'll leave the little group we formed over the past three months and we'll fall back into our "real" lives, walking through the halls like our saturday school never happened. doesn't have to be that way, but it's certainly the way of least resistance. will take effort to make it otherwise.
God give me strength to make it otherwise.
off to grab some cough syrup and some green tea so i can kick this what i hope is not bronchitis thing i have. . .
Æ
Tunes: new order - state of the nation
welcome to monday. only two more left in my school year. that's a thought to scatter away any shadows.
been sorting through metaphors, trying to explain this overwhelming sense of peace and contentment i have from doing the show. but nothing seems to fit. frustrating when words fail me. i stand back stage before the lights go down and the orchestra starts and this rush washes over me and i feel at home. like i belong. this is real, this moment, these hours on the stage. everything else fades away. i'm reminded of the quote by dana on sportsnight: "I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning." that's exactly what i feel.
i think if this was the only place i felt this way, i would be in need of serious therapy (not that i'm not anyway, but i'm just saying....). and i would definitely have to be doing this for a living. and it's one of those things that pushed me here from youth ministry. as secular and selfish as it may sound, my passion for theatre was withering away, dwindling to nothing. and i couldn't let that happen because it's not just a part of me - it is me. without it, i'm someone else.
and the scary thing is, next week at this time it will all be over. and i wonder how soon until i lose touch with these people who have grown to mean so much to me. was talking to rhonda tonight and mentioned i feel like i'm at the end of "the breakfast club," that come next monday, we'll leave the little group we formed over the past three months and we'll fall back into our "real" lives, walking through the halls like our saturday school never happened. doesn't have to be that way, but it's certainly the way of least resistance. will take effort to make it otherwise.
God give me strength to make it otherwise.
off to grab some cough syrup and some green tea so i can kick this what i hope is not bronchitis thing i have. . .
Æ
Tunes: new order - state of the nation
Sunday, May 07, 2006
opening weekend
made it. with (surprisingly) energy to spare. at least i'm awake enough at 10:22 to be typing up an entry. that has to be a good sign.
it's been, what, five years since my last musical, maybe six. my time with the mv players is a bit on the fuzzy side. i'd forgotten how much i missed it. the shows this weekend rocked. sure, we had our moments when focus was lost or lines were dropped or notes were missed. but seriously, we kicked major booty. i'm proud to say i'm a part of this show. i'm honored to work with these people. there's an intoxicating professionalism in the cast, energizing me and challenging me to do my best. it's not something always found in community theatre. i can see now why cmt is widely respected in the city. of course, it's probably spoiled me for other companies....
details...tough to pick out moments. of the three performances, today's, oddly enough, was probably strongest. i say oddly because sunday matinees tend to be on the unresponsive side. but a lot of community theatre people were in the audience (a side effect of having fourteen million shows running this weekend - it's the only time they could see the show) and their energy kickstarted ours. always interesting how important the audience is in theatre. we do need them to be a part of the process, otherwise the show is loses the magic that can occur.
i'm not capturing this weekend well. will try again tomorrow. but i have to say, i am so glad i'm getting this chance to do this show. i've had the most amazing time so far. and i'm trying to not let the fact that it will all be over in a week seep in just yet. going to be strange to come next week when i don't have rehearsal, when i won't be seeing the cast on a regular basis. but that's something for another day.
hopefully my thoughts will gel more tomorrow....
Ɔ
Tunes: the magnetic fields - you're my only home
it's been, what, five years since my last musical, maybe six. my time with the mv players is a bit on the fuzzy side. i'd forgotten how much i missed it. the shows this weekend rocked. sure, we had our moments when focus was lost or lines were dropped or notes were missed. but seriously, we kicked major booty. i'm proud to say i'm a part of this show. i'm honored to work with these people. there's an intoxicating professionalism in the cast, energizing me and challenging me to do my best. it's not something always found in community theatre. i can see now why cmt is widely respected in the city. of course, it's probably spoiled me for other companies....
details...tough to pick out moments. of the three performances, today's, oddly enough, was probably strongest. i say oddly because sunday matinees tend to be on the unresponsive side. but a lot of community theatre people were in the audience (a side effect of having fourteen million shows running this weekend - it's the only time they could see the show) and their energy kickstarted ours. always interesting how important the audience is in theatre. we do need them to be a part of the process, otherwise the show is loses the magic that can occur.
i'm not capturing this weekend well. will try again tomorrow. but i have to say, i am so glad i'm getting this chance to do this show. i've had the most amazing time so far. and i'm trying to not let the fact that it will all be over in a week seep in just yet. going to be strange to come next week when i don't have rehearsal, when i won't be seeing the cast on a regular basis. but that's something for another day.
hopefully my thoughts will gel more tomorrow....
Ɔ
Tunes: the magnetic fields - you're my only home
Thursday, May 04, 2006
damn you manner mode
quick hit at lunch....
woke up this morning. my first thought was, "it's much too bright in here." i looked at the clock.
7:11
worst. feeling. ever.
i knew immediately what had happened.
called ian. talked to andy. jumped in and out of the shower. threw on some clothes. grabbed my stuff. out the door. traffic slowed me way down. but i eventually made it mhs, parked and walked into the builiding.
7:45
not bad, considering it's a 20-25 minute drive with no traffic.
we won't talk about how fast i was going between fields ertel and the mason exit.
and now all i want is a nap.
Æ
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
journal time - students are writing about what famous person, alive or dead, they would like to have dinner with. some of their answers frighten me. i think the last time i did this, the most popular answer was jessica simpson, for both boys and girls.
i fear for our future sometimes.
this is going to be a tough day. i am mentally and physically exhausted with no signs of rest anywhere in the near future. can't even take a sick day because i need to be here for the next three days to grade their presentations. and no sleeping in until saturday. i think i can hold on until then.
but then you didn't come here to read about my physical well-being, did you?
first dress (minus makeup) was last night. rough would be a good way to describe it (i'll spare you more description). this transition to the aronoff has been trickier than i anticipated. so many details and the space is much different than i imagined. and with the wings open, it makes exits and entrances quite an adventure. i did a lot of standing around last night, watching from the wings to see some of the numbers. i know, bad form, but figured this would be the last time i could do that. will spend large stretches of time up in the dressing room - my set moving responsibilities are minimal. which, honestly, makes me a little sad. it's a wee bit of ego, a wee bit of just loving to be involved, a wee bit of wanting to be significant.
i know, i really need to get over it.
it's later now and the early morning fogginess has been replaced by a constant humming in the back of my head - effects of the 44oz diet pepsi this morning no doubt. get the feeling that may become the norm this week, especially if i make unwise choices, such as staying up to watch gilmore girls and veronica mars before going to bed. in my defense, though, i was wired again after rehearsal. and both episodes were definitely worth staying up for. GG was hilarious - much snappier dialogue, the characters felt right. i laughed out loud several times. and VM had an amazing line about a blonde girl in a hamster wheel (i'll have to rewatch and write it down). actually an excellent way to end an exhausting day.
though i stole from today to do it. hope i don't pay for it later. and by later i mean right now at school.
OK, need to post this. hopefully it goes through correctly. we'll see what happens. more later, perhaps.
Æ
Tunes: sound of students avoiding work
Monday, May 01, 2006
home by 11:00
whoda thunk it?
still, tonight was hellacious, with a capital H which rhymes with absolutely nothing whatsoever.
i'm off to bed, but wanted to stop by and say i'm still alive and am immersed in two different hells, tech week and grading. figure i might as well be completely stressed all at once, get it out of the way. plus, i prefer the tech stress - at least it's a pain with an end in sight. grading....i'd like to think it will have an effect on my students, but i know the majority look to see their grade and pass over the (helpful?) comments i took the time to write.
don't grade bitter, thurm.
speaking of bitter, i'm disappointed in the ticket sales for chess. let's just say it's not going well. seriously, this is going to be an amazing show and i'd like to take the "hey, their loss if they don't see it" attitude, but t'would break my heart to play to seats half full, not because i want everyone to see me, but because i honestly believe this is a great show. i know i'm going to have a great time doing it. i just want others to have a great time watching it.
off my soapbox.
must go to bed. little wound up from rehearsal, though. need to put my brain into neutral a bit before i try to go to sleep, otherwise i'll lie there frustrated that i cannot fall asleep. bad way to start my trip into dreamland.
see you in my dreams (but only if i'm lucky)...
Æ
Tunes: rammstein - ich will (no, i am not making that up)
still, tonight was hellacious, with a capital H which rhymes with absolutely nothing whatsoever.
i'm off to bed, but wanted to stop by and say i'm still alive and am immersed in two different hells, tech week and grading. figure i might as well be completely stressed all at once, get it out of the way. plus, i prefer the tech stress - at least it's a pain with an end in sight. grading....i'd like to think it will have an effect on my students, but i know the majority look to see their grade and pass over the (helpful?) comments i took the time to write.
don't grade bitter, thurm.
speaking of bitter, i'm disappointed in the ticket sales for chess. let's just say it's not going well. seriously, this is going to be an amazing show and i'd like to take the "hey, their loss if they don't see it" attitude, but t'would break my heart to play to seats half full, not because i want everyone to see me, but because i honestly believe this is a great show. i know i'm going to have a great time doing it. i just want others to have a great time watching it.
off my soapbox.
must go to bed. little wound up from rehearsal, though. need to put my brain into neutral a bit before i try to go to sleep, otherwise i'll lie there frustrated that i cannot fall asleep. bad way to start my trip into dreamland.
see you in my dreams (but only if i'm lucky)...
Æ
Tunes: rammstein - ich will (no, i am not making that up)
Saturday, April 29, 2006
mistress
sleep beckons and i must go
she comes so rarely any more
i dare not turn her aside
lest she leave me forever
i pray tonight we'll lie locked
in a night time's embrace
where i will lose myself in her
restful ecstasy
and watch her disappear far too soon
with the coming dawn
Æ
Tunes: eisley - brightly wound
she comes so rarely any more
i dare not turn her aside
lest she leave me forever
i pray tonight we'll lie locked
in a night time's embrace
where i will lose myself in her
restful ecstasy
and watch her disappear far too soon
with the coming dawn
Æ
Tunes: eisley - brightly wound
Friday, April 28, 2006
gather ye thoughts, while ye may
how i am still conscious, i have no idea.
L-O-N-G day. and not the last over the next couple of weeks. time for my life to spiral near the edge of control and threaten to topple over. while, hopefully, never quite falling. we'll see.
final rehearsal before we load into the aronoff. couldn't have been more chaotic. first, we get news sarah erwin had fallen down the stairs, twisted an ankle. ended up in urgent care. then, two scenes in, matt was moving one of our behemoth set pieces and got tangled in a dangling fluorescent light, which proceeded to swing down, strike him on the head and shatter. he had to go to the hospital (we later found out he had a minor concussion). so not a great start. lots of little weird things happened - odd scenes, actors disappearing, musicians walking out, dropped lines (myself included - how can i only have three lines and screw up? weak weak weak). but we muddled on through. and in about ten hours we'll be back to load the truck up. here's hoping we get a good crowd so it doesn't take all day....
we've been reading "The Bet" by Anton Chekhov in class this week. wow. i love this story. my short story unit is all about choice, but i had to make sure they all read this one (or at least were required to read it - i can't force them to read). if you've never read it, take the time. amazing piece of work. and the great thing is, i think my students get it. at least some of them. actually enjoyed reading their homework - how often does that happen?
23 days.
vernon, my neighbor, came by to point out some work i needed to do on my house. at first i got a little defensive. why do we (i) do that? most of it was stuff i knew - dead limbs are dangerous, gutters really need to be cleaned out. but how wonderful to have neighbors that actually talk to you. and want to help. and watch out for you. it's one of the reasons i live here, in this neighborhood. my heart yearns for community. glad to see there are still places where it exists.
i so want to be tired. but i'm not. trying to decide which will put me into sleep mode faster - lying in bed reading or sitting in my comfy chair watching seinfeld. decisions decisions. too bad i'm not The Decider like our beloved leader.
seriously, could this administration get any more ridiculous? oh wait, they just hired someone from fox news. never mind.
at least it makes for great television - on the daily show/colbert report anyway.
enough for now. think i'm going to go with the seinfeld. almost to the end of the season. need to finish so i can move on to x-files. or maybe nx. again with the decisions.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (live cornerstone 2000)
L-O-N-G day. and not the last over the next couple of weeks. time for my life to spiral near the edge of control and threaten to topple over. while, hopefully, never quite falling. we'll see.
final rehearsal before we load into the aronoff. couldn't have been more chaotic. first, we get news sarah erwin had fallen down the stairs, twisted an ankle. ended up in urgent care. then, two scenes in, matt was moving one of our behemoth set pieces and got tangled in a dangling fluorescent light, which proceeded to swing down, strike him on the head and shatter. he had to go to the hospital (we later found out he had a minor concussion). so not a great start. lots of little weird things happened - odd scenes, actors disappearing, musicians walking out, dropped lines (myself included - how can i only have three lines and screw up? weak weak weak). but we muddled on through. and in about ten hours we'll be back to load the truck up. here's hoping we get a good crowd so it doesn't take all day....
we've been reading "The Bet" by Anton Chekhov in class this week. wow. i love this story. my short story unit is all about choice, but i had to make sure they all read this one (or at least were required to read it - i can't force them to read). if you've never read it, take the time. amazing piece of work. and the great thing is, i think my students get it. at least some of them. actually enjoyed reading their homework - how often does that happen?
23 days.
vernon, my neighbor, came by to point out some work i needed to do on my house. at first i got a little defensive. why do we (i) do that? most of it was stuff i knew - dead limbs are dangerous, gutters really need to be cleaned out. but how wonderful to have neighbors that actually talk to you. and want to help. and watch out for you. it's one of the reasons i live here, in this neighborhood. my heart yearns for community. glad to see there are still places where it exists.
i so want to be tired. but i'm not. trying to decide which will put me into sleep mode faster - lying in bed reading or sitting in my comfy chair watching seinfeld. decisions decisions. too bad i'm not The Decider like our beloved leader.
seriously, could this administration get any more ridiculous? oh wait, they just hired someone from fox news. never mind.
at least it makes for great television - on the daily show/colbert report anyway.
enough for now. think i'm going to go with the seinfeld. almost to the end of the season. need to finish so i can move on to x-files. or maybe nx. again with the decisions.
Æ
Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (live cornerstone 2000)
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
and the days slide on by
less than ten days until CHESS opens. hence my absence.
just returned from a rehearsal at the warehouse. always tricky - tough to hear, no where to hang during down time. i did find a little corner and a table so i could do some grading, which, given the conditions, i was glad to get done what i got done. this class has been better than the one before - actually had some A papers, unlike the first class. yikes. so many problems, i wouldn't know where to start. wish i could spend more time with them, but unfortunately, the schedule doesn't allow for that.
and i don't want to spend my time talking about that.
let's see....weekend went well. got to see everyone, albeit for far shorter than i would like. didn't end up getting out of rehearsal until 9:45 PM - so much for the hope that i'd get on the road by 8:30. so didn't hit fredericktown until around midnight. and then ended up staying up and talking to steve and angela until nearly 3AM. probably not the wisest of decisions, but was great to see them again. be good to see them in about a week - their coming down for the show and to finally see my house. guess that means i should do some cleaning. when that might happen is anyone's guess.
found out lauri's moving to NJ this summer - was hired at monmouth university. great news for her - sounds like a perfect position. plus, i'll have another friend in the nyc area for those occasional trips there - won't have to abuse anne's hospitality. speaking of which, i need to begin looking into a trip there in june to see doug's reading. been a while since i was there - will be good to go back.
good to catch up with everyone. jenna was a bit stressed, naturally, what with the play and her grandmother having to go into the hospital (who knew a urinary tract infection could wreak havoc on one's ability to form coherent sentences?). the play was...well, let's just say it was an off night for the cast. 2/3 of them definitely had talent - and they certainly covered their error well for high school students. only noticeable in the drop in energy and focus. you could tell they felt bad afterwards - think all of us who have done theatre have been there.
you know, i knew the story of steel magnolias, so i should have been prepared for the final scene, but it still caught me off guard. couldn't help thinking about chad and the echoes of my own thoughts voiced through m'lynn. left me a bit out of sorts. can't imagine how jenna dealt with it with all that's going on with her grandmother (wow, a lot of withs in that sentence).
did get in touch with jen, so drove down and spent part of saturday afternoon seeing her and seeing her house. much different than the picture in my head. lovely house. and she has a pool, which sounds great, but i imagine the upkeep is a bit on the annoying side. made me see how much work i actually need to do on my house. but good to know it can be done...
back at school. i've got nothing to share at this point.
great night at house church last night. lots of new friends there and a great discussion of the story in mark where Jesus calms the storm. i'm sure Jesus would chastise me, too, but i can't help feeling for the disciples. i probably would have been a bit frustrated if i thought the boat was about to go down and the person i trusted just seemed to be sleeping and not caring. i know it's perspective and it's hard to see the big picture when you're worried about the water rising above your head. but it's so hard to reach that place of trust. especially when the rains are blinding you. and you're trying to solve the problem on your own....
gina hits the 'wood on friday. will try and help her tomorrow, since we have a respite from rehearsal. need to mow my lawn, but with film club tomorrow (lords of dogtown), i may not have time. i'm such a bad neighbor.
25 more days of school. not that i'm counting....
i imagine my updating will be sporadic at best for a while, with CHESS and the end of school and grading yada yada yada. but i'll try to stop in every now and then, let you know i haven't gone off the deep end (though some might argue that's already happened...).
night.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - left of center
just returned from a rehearsal at the warehouse. always tricky - tough to hear, no where to hang during down time. i did find a little corner and a table so i could do some grading, which, given the conditions, i was glad to get done what i got done. this class has been better than the one before - actually had some A papers, unlike the first class. yikes. so many problems, i wouldn't know where to start. wish i could spend more time with them, but unfortunately, the schedule doesn't allow for that.
and i don't want to spend my time talking about that.
let's see....weekend went well. got to see everyone, albeit for far shorter than i would like. didn't end up getting out of rehearsal until 9:45 PM - so much for the hope that i'd get on the road by 8:30. so didn't hit fredericktown until around midnight. and then ended up staying up and talking to steve and angela until nearly 3AM. probably not the wisest of decisions, but was great to see them again. be good to see them in about a week - their coming down for the show and to finally see my house. guess that means i should do some cleaning. when that might happen is anyone's guess.
found out lauri's moving to NJ this summer - was hired at monmouth university. great news for her - sounds like a perfect position. plus, i'll have another friend in the nyc area for those occasional trips there - won't have to abuse anne's hospitality. speaking of which, i need to begin looking into a trip there in june to see doug's reading. been a while since i was there - will be good to go back.
good to catch up with everyone. jenna was a bit stressed, naturally, what with the play and her grandmother having to go into the hospital (who knew a urinary tract infection could wreak havoc on one's ability to form coherent sentences?). the play was...well, let's just say it was an off night for the cast. 2/3 of them definitely had talent - and they certainly covered their error well for high school students. only noticeable in the drop in energy and focus. you could tell they felt bad afterwards - think all of us who have done theatre have been there.
you know, i knew the story of steel magnolias, so i should have been prepared for the final scene, but it still caught me off guard. couldn't help thinking about chad and the echoes of my own thoughts voiced through m'lynn. left me a bit out of sorts. can't imagine how jenna dealt with it with all that's going on with her grandmother (wow, a lot of withs in that sentence).
did get in touch with jen, so drove down and spent part of saturday afternoon seeing her and seeing her house. much different than the picture in my head. lovely house. and she has a pool, which sounds great, but i imagine the upkeep is a bit on the annoying side. made me see how much work i actually need to do on my house. but good to know it can be done...
back at school. i've got nothing to share at this point.
great night at house church last night. lots of new friends there and a great discussion of the story in mark where Jesus calms the storm. i'm sure Jesus would chastise me, too, but i can't help feeling for the disciples. i probably would have been a bit frustrated if i thought the boat was about to go down and the person i trusted just seemed to be sleeping and not caring. i know it's perspective and it's hard to see the big picture when you're worried about the water rising above your head. but it's so hard to reach that place of trust. especially when the rains are blinding you. and you're trying to solve the problem on your own....
gina hits the 'wood on friday. will try and help her tomorrow, since we have a respite from rehearsal. need to mow my lawn, but with film club tomorrow (lords of dogtown), i may not have time. i'm such a bad neighbor.
25 more days of school. not that i'm counting....
i imagine my updating will be sporadic at best for a while, with CHESS and the end of school and grading yada yada yada. but i'll try to stop in every now and then, let you know i haven't gone off the deep end (though some might argue that's already happened...).
night.
Æ
Tunes: suzanne vega - left of center
Friday, April 21, 2006
the end is near
last real day of break. sure, i have this weekend, but i always have the weekends, so this is the last "school day" off. sad. been relaxing break. and i did get some things accomplished - yes, the great kitchen faucet nightmare has finally ended. replaced the supply line yesterday and so far, no leaks. also got my porch swing up. not as comfortable as i might have hoped, but it looks great, so that's half the battle, right? finished laundry, got the downstairs mostly cleaned up. now if i could just do the same for the upstairs....
last night reminded me again of why i don't drink much. seriously, i am the most depressing drunk ever. alcohol does not release the fun-loving me from captivity like it does so many others. no, i tend to curl up into a fetal position and ponder the world, leaving those around me to wonder what is wrong. nothing, other than i can't hold my liquor. or something like that. felt like a bit of a wet blanket and an uber-wallflower last night at mary's. i stayed around because i was going to sing "never tear us apart," but by the time they called my name, one, i didn't hear it and two, i was in no state of mind to sing. *sigh* this melancholy introvert thing can get old really quickly....
leaving for kent....hmmm. not sure exactly. we have rehearsal tonight at 7:30, but just book scenes, so hopefully it will go quickly. going to call steve, see what he thinks. if he doesn't mind a quick flyby tonight, i think i would prefer to do that. otherwise i'll be getting up at 5:00 AM to get up to kent in time. that appeals to me not at all. am looking foward to reconnection - will get to see almost everyone, though i haven't heard from jen at all. may try one more call, but she's an elusive friend.
having lunch, i think, with kevin. need to call him, figure out what we're doing. planned on making plans at morning prayers but alas, i lost the fight with my pillow (not that there was much of a struggle). and not wanting to procrastinate any more, i just called and we're doing lunch at andy's mediterranean. mmmmmm. excellent idea. you're all jealous, i know.
disappointed that i didn't ride at all this week. guess there's still time this afternoon, but it's a wee bit on the chilly side today. not a major problem (and probably better for me anyway so i don't have to sweat profusely), but does put a damper on the motivation. of course, if i don't do that, i have no plans for the afternoon and i would prefer not to spend it napping, which has been a pattern this week. i love me my naps, but would prefer to, oh, i don't know, actually do something.
confession: i want to see friends with money. i know, i know, it will destroy my elitist cred. but oh my the eye candy. joan, catherine, jennifer and frances? geesh. i'll be in heaven for 88 minutes.
dontcha love it when i'm shallow?
which is pretty much all the time.
guess i ought to shower or some such. maybe straighten up my office a bit. get stuff together for my trip. one final hurrah before it's back to school for five weeks. we won't talk about the stack of essays that lie unmolested in the corner.....
Æ
Tunes: martin sexton - candy
last night reminded me again of why i don't drink much. seriously, i am the most depressing drunk ever. alcohol does not release the fun-loving me from captivity like it does so many others. no, i tend to curl up into a fetal position and ponder the world, leaving those around me to wonder what is wrong. nothing, other than i can't hold my liquor. or something like that. felt like a bit of a wet blanket and an uber-wallflower last night at mary's. i stayed around because i was going to sing "never tear us apart," but by the time they called my name, one, i didn't hear it and two, i was in no state of mind to sing. *sigh* this melancholy introvert thing can get old really quickly....
leaving for kent....hmmm. not sure exactly. we have rehearsal tonight at 7:30, but just book scenes, so hopefully it will go quickly. going to call steve, see what he thinks. if he doesn't mind a quick flyby tonight, i think i would prefer to do that. otherwise i'll be getting up at 5:00 AM to get up to kent in time. that appeals to me not at all. am looking foward to reconnection - will get to see almost everyone, though i haven't heard from jen at all. may try one more call, but she's an elusive friend.
having lunch, i think, with kevin. need to call him, figure out what we're doing. planned on making plans at morning prayers but alas, i lost the fight with my pillow (not that there was much of a struggle). and not wanting to procrastinate any more, i just called and we're doing lunch at andy's mediterranean. mmmmmm. excellent idea. you're all jealous, i know.
disappointed that i didn't ride at all this week. guess there's still time this afternoon, but it's a wee bit on the chilly side today. not a major problem (and probably better for me anyway so i don't have to sweat profusely), but does put a damper on the motivation. of course, if i don't do that, i have no plans for the afternoon and i would prefer not to spend it napping, which has been a pattern this week. i love me my naps, but would prefer to, oh, i don't know, actually do something.
confession: i want to see friends with money. i know, i know, it will destroy my elitist cred. but oh my the eye candy. joan, catherine, jennifer and frances? geesh. i'll be in heaven for 88 minutes.
dontcha love it when i'm shallow?
which is pretty much all the time.
guess i ought to shower or some such. maybe straighten up my office a bit. get stuff together for my trip. one final hurrah before it's back to school for five weeks. we won't talk about the stack of essays that lie unmolested in the corner.....
Æ
Tunes: martin sexton - candy
Thursday, April 20, 2006
the difference a year makes
how can something i didn't even own a year ago completely screw up my afternoon when i think i've lost it? yesterday afternoon was completely disheartening - went to get my hair cut (well, thinned since i need to leave it long for chess - but i certainly don't need the fro look) and realized my phone wasn't in my pocket. looked around aveda - no luck. then around the outside of my car. nada. inside. zip. asked in a couple of the surrounding stores. no one had turned in a phone. so i drove home. looked in my office. my bedroom. my entertainment room. nothing. nothing. nothing. so despondent, i couldn't get up the energy to do anything. so i took a nap, while thoughts of what in the world do you do when your phone disappears scurried about my head. do i call verizon? do i keep calling it in hopes that the person that has it will pick it up? and how do i do that without a landline? grrrr. so after a restless nap, i awoke to nature's call. walked into the bathroom. and there, lying in my tissue box was my phone. i'm sure i had an excellent reason for taking it out of my pocket and laying it there. and i just had to laugh.
yes yes, i know, i need professional help.
day six of my kitchen faucet fiasco. looks to be leaking from the line, not from the faucet, which is strange because i didn't touch the line where it is leaking. going to lowes this morning to see if they can help. need to get a new line and hopefully some advice on how to stop the leak. really don't want to call a plumber, though at this point it might be best to just get it fixed, no matter the cost (though i can't imagine it would actually be worth it once i get the bill - i've heard about plumber's rates - cheaper just to get a prostitute....).
did get my porch swing together and hanging, though i have to pick up a drill bit at lowes while i'm there to put on the final piece. looks good on the porch. now i just need to find some other seating, otherwise it will just be me sitting alone on my porch, which seems a bit sad.
kevin asked yesterday if chess was something he could bring izaac to. hmmm. don't think it qualifies as PG-13, mostly because we drop the f-bomb a bit much. and then there's bangkok, which might be a bit much for impressionable minds. hmmm. maybe i ought to just give him the script, let him figure it out for himself. not sure i would actually call it R rated, but there certainly are moments. it is a rock musical after all, not rodgers and hammerstein....
ok, need to go. think i'm going to do breakfast at ihop, then run to lowes and hopefully wrap up my kitchen problems and my porch swing in time to get out to salvation army and hopefully ride my bike before rehearsal tonight. bleah - going to work on "book" scenes friday, which means me. so much for leaving friday night for kent. going to be an early morning saturday....
Æ
Tunes: new order - true faith
yes yes, i know, i need professional help.
day six of my kitchen faucet fiasco. looks to be leaking from the line, not from the faucet, which is strange because i didn't touch the line where it is leaking. going to lowes this morning to see if they can help. need to get a new line and hopefully some advice on how to stop the leak. really don't want to call a plumber, though at this point it might be best to just get it fixed, no matter the cost (though i can't imagine it would actually be worth it once i get the bill - i've heard about plumber's rates - cheaper just to get a prostitute....).
did get my porch swing together and hanging, though i have to pick up a drill bit at lowes while i'm there to put on the final piece. looks good on the porch. now i just need to find some other seating, otherwise it will just be me sitting alone on my porch, which seems a bit sad.
kevin asked yesterday if chess was something he could bring izaac to. hmmm. don't think it qualifies as PG-13, mostly because we drop the f-bomb a bit much. and then there's bangkok, which might be a bit much for impressionable minds. hmmm. maybe i ought to just give him the script, let him figure it out for himself. not sure i would actually call it R rated, but there certainly are moments. it is a rock musical after all, not rodgers and hammerstein....
ok, need to go. think i'm going to do breakfast at ihop, then run to lowes and hopefully wrap up my kitchen problems and my porch swing in time to get out to salvation army and hopefully ride my bike before rehearsal tonight. bleah - going to work on "book" scenes friday, which means me. so much for leaving friday night for kent. going to be an early morning saturday....
Æ
Tunes: new order - true faith
Monday, April 17, 2006
chess rehearsal - act I
i do a lot of sitting round in this act. eighteen days until we open. not much time to go.
day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.
hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.
one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.
been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.
finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.
damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.
at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ
Tunes: king's x - believe
day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.
hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.
one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.
been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.
I am an affectionate man but I have much trouble showing it.rereading has rekindled anew my desire (need?) to stage the adaptation i wrote, what, six/seven years ago? geesh. i wait too long, i won't be able to play scout. think i need to put a call out, see if i can pull a cast together. and a crew. and see if we could do it in st. e's. worry about when later.
When I was younger I used to worry so much about being alone - of being unlovable or incapable of love. As the years went on, my worries changed. I worried that I had become incapable of having a relationship, of offering intimacy...
Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting, the fears I thought I had buried forever...
fear of loneliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable.
For so many years I lived a life of solitude and I thought life was fine. But I knew that unless I explored intimacy and shared intimacy with someone else then life would never progress beyond a certain point. I remember thinking that unless I knew what was going on inside someone else's head other than my own I was going to explode.
finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.
damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.
at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ
Tunes: king's x - believe
i love a rainy night
really thurm? eddie rabbit?
lovely thunderstorm outside my windows at the moment. sounds like water is running freely through my house. here's hoping it just sounds that way.
didn't quite make it in time to blog on easter, but need to say: Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
missed that in our service this morning (though i did get to share it with leslie).
just returned from the southgate house - rosie thomas played there tonight. her song "wedding day" has been a favorite of mine for the past several years, so i was excited to see she was playing. and it was free - can't beat that. her band had all of their stuff stolen in philadelphia friday night, so they had a makeshift set up, which for the size of the room and her material really was quite perfect. she didn't play long, maybe just over an hour, but was a great set. she has a carefree air about her and her banter between songs was quite amusing. the difference between her speaking voice and her singing voice is a bit shocking - not as drastic as jim neighbors, but not too far off. a great way to end easter weekend and ease into spring break.
i need to sit down, make a list of things i need to do this week. i had intended to post last night about my first successful home improvement (painting excluded, of course). installed a new kitchen faucet with a sprayer, something i'd been wanting to do. was so proud of myself - got the old one out, put the new one in and everything worked. unfortunately, i didn't do everything exactly right as there was water under the sink this morning. i believe i know what the problem is - they forgot to include a couple of washers i needed - but still a bit sad to see i wasn't quite the handyman i thought i was. oh well. easily fixed. i hope.
had planned to head into school tomorrow to help with the sets for seussical, but i have too much i have to get done around the house. plus, tutoring is tomorrow afternoon. and rehearsal tomorrow night. so sticking around here will be a better option. if the weather cooperates, i may try and set up the new porch swing i bought. hope i bought the right one.
easter felt a bit anti-climatic to me. couldn't focus during worship. so much changed over lent, i suppose i shouldn't be surprised to have felt this way. seems so long ago that i began the journey toward easter and my own experiment with silence. seems so long ago since we had to say goodbye to chad. much longer than 40 days.
i should not be so melancholy on so joyous a day.
i am so hungry, but i have no groceries. that's on the list for this week. wanted to stop by taco bell, but of course it was closed. grrrr. think i have some soup downstairs i could eat, but i really don't want to fix anything because, well, my kitchen faucet doesn't work....
to bed. prayers will be here in a matter of hours. and it's always beautiful to fall asleep to the rain. until tomorrow (well, later today).
Æ
Tunes: rosie thomas - i run
lovely thunderstorm outside my windows at the moment. sounds like water is running freely through my house. here's hoping it just sounds that way.
didn't quite make it in time to blog on easter, but need to say: Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!
missed that in our service this morning (though i did get to share it with leslie).
just returned from the southgate house - rosie thomas played there tonight. her song "wedding day" has been a favorite of mine for the past several years, so i was excited to see she was playing. and it was free - can't beat that. her band had all of their stuff stolen in philadelphia friday night, so they had a makeshift set up, which for the size of the room and her material really was quite perfect. she didn't play long, maybe just over an hour, but was a great set. she has a carefree air about her and her banter between songs was quite amusing. the difference between her speaking voice and her singing voice is a bit shocking - not as drastic as jim neighbors, but not too far off. a great way to end easter weekend and ease into spring break.
i need to sit down, make a list of things i need to do this week. i had intended to post last night about my first successful home improvement (painting excluded, of course). installed a new kitchen faucet with a sprayer, something i'd been wanting to do. was so proud of myself - got the old one out, put the new one in and everything worked. unfortunately, i didn't do everything exactly right as there was water under the sink this morning. i believe i know what the problem is - they forgot to include a couple of washers i needed - but still a bit sad to see i wasn't quite the handyman i thought i was. oh well. easily fixed. i hope.
had planned to head into school tomorrow to help with the sets for seussical, but i have too much i have to get done around the house. plus, tutoring is tomorrow afternoon. and rehearsal tomorrow night. so sticking around here will be a better option. if the weather cooperates, i may try and set up the new porch swing i bought. hope i bought the right one.
easter felt a bit anti-climatic to me. couldn't focus during worship. so much changed over lent, i suppose i shouldn't be surprised to have felt this way. seems so long ago that i began the journey toward easter and my own experiment with silence. seems so long ago since we had to say goodbye to chad. much longer than 40 days.
i should not be so melancholy on so joyous a day.
i am so hungry, but i have no groceries. that's on the list for this week. wanted to stop by taco bell, but of course it was closed. grrrr. think i have some soup downstairs i could eat, but i really don't want to fix anything because, well, my kitchen faucet doesn't work....
to bed. prayers will be here in a matter of hours. and it's always beautiful to fall asleep to the rain. until tomorrow (well, later today).
Æ
Tunes: rosie thomas - i run
Saturday, April 15, 2006
what in the name of all that is holy
am i doing up at this hour?
for the record, it was indeed only intermission when allen came in. the concert lasted until after 1:00 AM. at least everyone left in a timely manner. unfortunately, this included anyone to help with tear down and since i had to wait until the lone sound guy was able to get all of his stuff torn down and onto his truck, i didn't leave mason until around 3:30AM.
this is ridiculous.
allen had an excellent suggestion - from now on, if an event runs over by more than an hour, then we should get time and a half. or double time. or triple time. geesh, glad i didn't have anything else planned for the evening. what if i had made plans to meet up with friends at a bar after the gig? (unlikely, i know, but still) it didn't seem to bother them that they had gone over, that they basically were holding five people's lives hostage (i'm including the custodians in this as well).
of course, the extra four hours of pay will help.
Easter saturday is always a bit odd. falling between the darkness of good friday and the celebration of resurrection morning, it's a day ripe for contemplation. it seems a bit off kilter to be running errands, working, visiting. should be a day for mourning, of remembrance. but this is the way life is, no? we must continue on with life. i think of the deaths during this lenten time, chad and mark, and remember how sometimes doing the mundane daily activities helped to take my mind off the sadness. those simple moments of every day life reminded me that life goes on, as cheesy as that may sound.
the question becomes, then, how do i spend the day? alone or with friends? i'm leaning toward alone (gee, big surprise there). must go to lowes. going to head to sam ash to get some strings. maybe over to cincinnati mills to finally buy some steelers super bowl paraphernalia might shop a bit for my new birks. lots of consumerism. but then, i did earn an unexpected extra $100 last night.
we'll debate the selfishness of spending it all on myself at another time.
looks to be a beautiful day outside. here's hoping i can stay awake for it....
Æ
ps one more day 'til the tunes return. woohoo!
for the record, it was indeed only intermission when allen came in. the concert lasted until after 1:00 AM. at least everyone left in a timely manner. unfortunately, this included anyone to help with tear down and since i had to wait until the lone sound guy was able to get all of his stuff torn down and onto his truck, i didn't leave mason until around 3:30AM.
this is ridiculous.
allen had an excellent suggestion - from now on, if an event runs over by more than an hour, then we should get time and a half. or double time. or triple time. geesh, glad i didn't have anything else planned for the evening. what if i had made plans to meet up with friends at a bar after the gig? (unlikely, i know, but still) it didn't seem to bother them that they had gone over, that they basically were holding five people's lives hostage (i'm including the custodians in this as well).
of course, the extra four hours of pay will help.
Easter saturday is always a bit odd. falling between the darkness of good friday and the celebration of resurrection morning, it's a day ripe for contemplation. it seems a bit off kilter to be running errands, working, visiting. should be a day for mourning, of remembrance. but this is the way life is, no? we must continue on with life. i think of the deaths during this lenten time, chad and mark, and remember how sometimes doing the mundane daily activities helped to take my mind off the sadness. those simple moments of every day life reminded me that life goes on, as cheesy as that may sound.
the question becomes, then, how do i spend the day? alone or with friends? i'm leaning toward alone (gee, big surprise there). must go to lowes. going to head to sam ash to get some strings. maybe over to cincinnati mills to finally buy some steelers super bowl paraphernalia might shop a bit for my new birks. lots of consumerism. but then, i did earn an unexpected extra $100 last night.
we'll debate the selfishness of spending it all on myself at another time.
looks to be a beautiful day outside. here's hoping i can stay awake for it....
Æ
ps one more day 'til the tunes return. woohoo!
Friday, April 14, 2006
'twas bound to happen
i was outed last night.
cast went out to hamburger mary's last night for a little "maryoke" after rehearsal. lots of singing. many adult beverages. and the best burger i've had in a long time. i even found a karaoke song that didn't have a four minute instrumental - weird al's "one more minute."
so anyway, we're hanging around, crammed against the wall my the masses of humanity gathered there and robert, slightly inebriated, asks if he can ask me a personal question. uh oh, i thought to myself. here it comes. been wondering when someone would finally ask. he was quite polite, not wanting to offend me. said he knew where everyone else stood, but couldn't figure me out, so he figured he'd just ask.
so, are you gay or straight?
finally. i didn't have to hide in the dark any longer. i could let the truth be known, squash all the rumours and wonderings. no more secrets. no more silence. i took a deep breath.
straight. definitely straight.
he apologized for asking, not that i really cared. i mean, in this day and age, when anything is possible, it's a reasonable question i suppose. and it's not like i give off many clues one way or another. or if i do, i certainly don't mean to. or recognize that i do. which is part of the problem perhaps. if it's a problem at all.
i found it funny. which is why i share.
am sitting at mms auditorium while the hindu society of cincinnati holds a fundraising concert for their new cultural arts center. supposed to end at midnight, but i don't see that happening. concerts still going (it's now after 11) and they still have food to eat afterwards. i could easily see this pushing 1am. contrary to my best intentions, i got no grading done. just not in the right place is the excuse i'm going with. not much sleep last night, between mary's and the party going on down the street and the thunderstorms that rolled through early this morning. hopefully tonight is much better. i did finish of the da vinci code. definitely a well-written mystery. as for the "reveations" the book gives, they didn't affect me much one way or another. raises interesting questions on what i might do if i did discover all i believed was built on lies, but not much beyond that. i don't doubt there has been corruption in the church throughout the ages - it is a human institution, after all. and i know we've lost touch with much of the sacred feminine in church history. but too many flaws in the theory proposed byt he book to take it as more than an interesting diversion.
candice and her friend amy came down to the 'wood this afternoon to walk through via crucis with me. good to wander through the stations, though doing so during the day definitely gave it a different feel. am hoping to walk through them again tomorrow night, before it comes to an end. some powerful moments. plenty to ponder. just wish i'd had more time to process it with candice. but there'll be time later.
no plans for tomorrow, nothing solid at least. a movie, perhaps? cleaning the house? a trip to lowes? have decided i need to buy a new pair of birks - the pair i have (which i'm convinced aren't true birks, but cheap knockoffs - 'tis what i get for using ebay) are slowly disintegrating. need a real pair, one that will last. will probably see what i find at the local birk store. i'm afraid the price might freak me out -but then, this is why i subject myself to things like tonight, right?
sounds like it might be winding down. i am so not getting out of here by midnight. alas. but at least i don't have to get up tomorrow.
allen just came in and said they just announced a ten minute intermission. this is my punishment for being greedy.
ok, enough for now. night!
Æ
cast went out to hamburger mary's last night for a little "maryoke" after rehearsal. lots of singing. many adult beverages. and the best burger i've had in a long time. i even found a karaoke song that didn't have a four minute instrumental - weird al's "one more minute."
so anyway, we're hanging around, crammed against the wall my the masses of humanity gathered there and robert, slightly inebriated, asks if he can ask me a personal question. uh oh, i thought to myself. here it comes. been wondering when someone would finally ask. he was quite polite, not wanting to offend me. said he knew where everyone else stood, but couldn't figure me out, so he figured he'd just ask.
so, are you gay or straight?
finally. i didn't have to hide in the dark any longer. i could let the truth be known, squash all the rumours and wonderings. no more secrets. no more silence. i took a deep breath.
straight. definitely straight.
he apologized for asking, not that i really cared. i mean, in this day and age, when anything is possible, it's a reasonable question i suppose. and it's not like i give off many clues one way or another. or if i do, i certainly don't mean to. or recognize that i do. which is part of the problem perhaps. if it's a problem at all.
i found it funny. which is why i share.
am sitting at mms auditorium while the hindu society of cincinnati holds a fundraising concert for their new cultural arts center. supposed to end at midnight, but i don't see that happening. concerts still going (it's now after 11) and they still have food to eat afterwards. i could easily see this pushing 1am. contrary to my best intentions, i got no grading done. just not in the right place is the excuse i'm going with. not much sleep last night, between mary's and the party going on down the street and the thunderstorms that rolled through early this morning. hopefully tonight is much better. i did finish of the da vinci code. definitely a well-written mystery. as for the "reveations" the book gives, they didn't affect me much one way or another. raises interesting questions on what i might do if i did discover all i believed was built on lies, but not much beyond that. i don't doubt there has been corruption in the church throughout the ages - it is a human institution, after all. and i know we've lost touch with much of the sacred feminine in church history. but too many flaws in the theory proposed byt he book to take it as more than an interesting diversion.
candice and her friend amy came down to the 'wood this afternoon to walk through via crucis with me. good to wander through the stations, though doing so during the day definitely gave it a different feel. am hoping to walk through them again tomorrow night, before it comes to an end. some powerful moments. plenty to ponder. just wish i'd had more time to process it with candice. but there'll be time later.
no plans for tomorrow, nothing solid at least. a movie, perhaps? cleaning the house? a trip to lowes? have decided i need to buy a new pair of birks - the pair i have (which i'm convinced aren't true birks, but cheap knockoffs - 'tis what i get for using ebay) are slowly disintegrating. need a real pair, one that will last. will probably see what i find at the local birk store. i'm afraid the price might freak me out -but then, this is why i subject myself to things like tonight, right?
sounds like it might be winding down. i am so not getting out of here by midnight. alas. but at least i don't have to get up tomorrow.
allen just came in and said they just announced a ten minute intermission. this is my punishment for being greedy.
ok, enough for now. night!
Æ
Monday, April 10, 2006
i'm a REAL teacher now
the long nightmare is over, at least for a year or so. mason was suitably impressed by the changes i made in my classroom management and as of last friday, i have been offered not the measly one year but a two year contract. whew. good to be validated, good to know i'll be able to keep making rent....er, mortgage payments for at least two more years. i even was rated distinguished (the highest rating) in a couple of categories. excellent.
via crucis began last night at st. e's. if you're in the cincy area, you really need to come experience it - open 11 to 11 daily through saturday. i think. geesh, i guess i should check on that. though actually, maybe i should experience it myself first. wasn't in the right space yesterday. rehearsal ran long tonight. no rush - i'm sure i'll find time before it's over. aaron has good things to say about it if you're interested. we've talked about the "weight" of the space in st. e's and i experienced it again last night. definitely a thin space. looking forward to spending some time there soon.
looks like i'll be heading to kent on the 22nd. not sure who i'll get to see, but jenna and lauri have both responded. hopefully i'll be able to hook up with courtney and jen as well. could be quite the long day, unless i decide to drive halfway there friday night. will have to see what steve is up to and if angela would let me show up late and crash in the guest room. probably a crazy thing to do, but been needing my kent fix (and if we can squeeze in a trip to ray's, all the better).
finished geisha. beautiful book. sayuri is a glorious character and feels real. have moved on to the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. about 2/3 of the way through. so wish i could use it in my classroom, but alas, they drop the F bomb way too much. ah well. maybe i could use excerpts or something.
started a poem last night - my first in a while. but my metaphors kept battling for supremacy so i think i'm going to have to choose one and start over. gives me something to do over break.
three more days. three more days.
kenny asked me yesterday what i'd been thinking about the most lately. and i said something about the compression of time and how it seems to be disappearing far faster than i can keep up. i know it's the time of year and all (plus being involved with the musical and basically working a second job at the auditorium), but more and more i reach the end of the day exhausted with no understanding of exactly how i got to the end. life is blurring and i feel i'm only getting an impression of life, not the ever-important details. hopefully next week will give me the chance to slow down, reorient myself a bit. that's the goal, anyway.
took the new-to-me lawnmower out for her first spin today. took about 45 minutes to finish the job (not counting the having to find a gas can - graciously donated by homer, my across-the-street neighbor - and get some gas to get her to work). couldn't seem to keep my lines straight - i say the lawn is off kilter. couldn't be operator error, right?
sleep calls. tomorrow is peer editing. here's hoping i don't have too many students without some sort of rough draft. they've had plenty of opportunity to get something together. still, you'd be surprised how many won't have anything. or maybe you wouldn't be surprised. i know i'm not any more.
goodnight.
Æ
via crucis began last night at st. e's. if you're in the cincy area, you really need to come experience it - open 11 to 11 daily through saturday. i think. geesh, i guess i should check on that. though actually, maybe i should experience it myself first. wasn't in the right space yesterday. rehearsal ran long tonight. no rush - i'm sure i'll find time before it's over. aaron has good things to say about it if you're interested. we've talked about the "weight" of the space in st. e's and i experienced it again last night. definitely a thin space. looking forward to spending some time there soon.
looks like i'll be heading to kent on the 22nd. not sure who i'll get to see, but jenna and lauri have both responded. hopefully i'll be able to hook up with courtney and jen as well. could be quite the long day, unless i decide to drive halfway there friday night. will have to see what steve is up to and if angela would let me show up late and crash in the guest room. probably a crazy thing to do, but been needing my kent fix (and if we can squeeze in a trip to ray's, all the better).
finished geisha. beautiful book. sayuri is a glorious character and feels real. have moved on to the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. about 2/3 of the way through. so wish i could use it in my classroom, but alas, they drop the F bomb way too much. ah well. maybe i could use excerpts or something.
started a poem last night - my first in a while. but my metaphors kept battling for supremacy so i think i'm going to have to choose one and start over. gives me something to do over break.
three more days. three more days.
kenny asked me yesterday what i'd been thinking about the most lately. and i said something about the compression of time and how it seems to be disappearing far faster than i can keep up. i know it's the time of year and all (plus being involved with the musical and basically working a second job at the auditorium), but more and more i reach the end of the day exhausted with no understanding of exactly how i got to the end. life is blurring and i feel i'm only getting an impression of life, not the ever-important details. hopefully next week will give me the chance to slow down, reorient myself a bit. that's the goal, anyway.
took the new-to-me lawnmower out for her first spin today. took about 45 minutes to finish the job (not counting the having to find a gas can - graciously donated by homer, my across-the-street neighbor - and get some gas to get her to work). couldn't seem to keep my lines straight - i say the lawn is off kilter. couldn't be operator error, right?
sleep calls. tomorrow is peer editing. here's hoping i don't have too many students without some sort of rough draft. they've had plenty of opportunity to get something together. still, you'd be surprised how many won't have anything. or maybe you wouldn't be surprised. i know i'm not any more.
goodnight.
Æ
Saturday, April 08, 2006
you were beginning to wonder, weren't you?
gina said it was cruel of me to post a message like my last one and then not post for a week. i say it's a brilliant ploy to play with people's heads.
or maybe i haven't had much time to write.
take your pick.
saturday night and i'm sitting at MMS babysitting the mason community players as they perform "second time around." not an ideal way of spending a saturday night, but it's easy money.
and i worry that perhaps money has taken over my life.
feeling a bit scattered today. brain blown here and there, can't seem to latch onto a consistent state of mind. up down in out prepositions spilling about.
and now i'm rhyming. that can't be a good sign.
four more school days until spring break. not doing anything this year, just sticking around the 'nati, going to rehearsal, working on the house (supposedly). might make a quick run up to kent the 22nd to see jenna's school play. will have to see if we can gather the gang together - and if jenna will have the time/mental ability to be social. nice way to end my "break." hope it works out. been too long since we've been together.
should be grading things. don't wanna. so i won't.
wednesday during our department meeting, one of the teachers brought up a video store that sells/rents "clean" versions of movies and suggested we should look into partnering with them for when we want to use films/clips for our classrooms. and i find i'm of two minds (damn that rhyming thing again). from a teaching standpoint, it would be great. don't have to worry about warping young impressionable minds with words they hear on a daily basis. i mean, don't have to appear to be condoning such language/behavior. and really, some movies could use a litle editing on that front. but then the writer/artist part of me questions what right they have to change my art. who are they to decide what is essential to the film and what can be trimmed away? does art belong to the artist or to the one experiencing the art? so should we put a leaf over michaelangelo's david? cover boticelli's venus? take out the anti-semitic parts of shakespeare? is it ok to change an artists work to make it "safe" for consumption? my gut tells me its wrong. but my brain can see the other side. and in the case of schools, is it better for students to see a "clean" version than to not experience it at all. the history and hollywood class (i would SO love to teach this class) showed a clean version of capote.
thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.
this is simply genius. how do i love mcsweeney's? let me count the ways....
Titles of Songs I
or maybe i haven't had much time to write.
take your pick.
saturday night and i'm sitting at MMS babysitting the mason community players as they perform "second time around." not an ideal way of spending a saturday night, but it's easy money.
and i worry that perhaps money has taken over my life.
feeling a bit scattered today. brain blown here and there, can't seem to latch onto a consistent state of mind. up down in out prepositions spilling about.
and now i'm rhyming. that can't be a good sign.
four more school days until spring break. not doing anything this year, just sticking around the 'nati, going to rehearsal, working on the house (supposedly). might make a quick run up to kent the 22nd to see jenna's school play. will have to see if we can gather the gang together - and if jenna will have the time/mental ability to be social. nice way to end my "break." hope it works out. been too long since we've been together.
should be grading things. don't wanna. so i won't.
wednesday during our department meeting, one of the teachers brought up a video store that sells/rents "clean" versions of movies and suggested we should look into partnering with them for when we want to use films/clips for our classrooms. and i find i'm of two minds (damn that rhyming thing again). from a teaching standpoint, it would be great. don't have to worry about warping young impressionable minds with words they hear on a daily basis. i mean, don't have to appear to be condoning such language/behavior. and really, some movies could use a litle editing on that front. but then the writer/artist part of me questions what right they have to change my art. who are they to decide what is essential to the film and what can be trimmed away? does art belong to the artist or to the one experiencing the art? so should we put a leaf over michaelangelo's david? cover boticelli's venus? take out the anti-semitic parts of shakespeare? is it ok to change an artists work to make it "safe" for consumption? my gut tells me its wrong. but my brain can see the other side. and in the case of schools, is it better for students to see a "clean" version than to not experience it at all. the history and hollywood class (i would SO love to teach this class) showed a clean version of capote.
thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.
this is simply genius. how do i love mcsweeney's? let me count the ways....
Titles of Songs I
Could Credibly Write
If I Became a Rap Star.
BY GREG HOWARD
- - - -
Ain't Nothin' but a G Thang, Although I Usually Go by "Greg," to Be Honest
Mama Said Have Some Milk and Cookies
Bitches and Hos (I Have Neither/Nor)
I Know Someone Who Has a Friend of a Friend Who's Chillin' on Death Row
Ready 2 Take a Nap
Roll Me a Blunt (Now What Does That Mean Again?)
The Best Tastee-Freezes Are in My Hood
YO Gangsta (Do You Know How to Get to Napa Valley? I Appear to Be Lost)
I Like Medium-Sized Butts ... I Mean, It's Great If They Have Some Dimension but Let's Not Get Carried Away, but on the Other Hand It's No Good When the Legs Just Shoot Straight Up to the Hips and There's Nothing Else There, I Hate That
Smack My Fax Up
need to go pee before the show starts. more later perhaps.
Æ
Saturday, April 01, 2006
i was never much good at goodbye
this isn't going to be easy.
been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.
time for that to change.
so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.
time for me to start living in the real world.
so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.
speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.
so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
Æ
Tunes: def leppard - foolin'
been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.
time for that to change.
so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.
time for me to start living in the real world.
so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.
speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.
so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
Æ
Tunes: def leppard - foolin'
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