please don't let that light be a train

essays finally finished. only three classes worth of journals left to grade, then the finals and then this seemingly eternal trimester will be over. i actually may have two classes with no one failing, which has never happened to me. nothing i did - just the make up of the classes. of course, my other two classes did their best to pick up the slack. i had several students scrambling today to try and catch up and pass. and while i'd like to bend over backwards to help them, the time for doing that would have been five weeks ago when i let them and their parents know they were in danger of failing, not the day before exams start. i feel bad, but there's not much i can do at this point, as their procrastination has tied my hands. and sometimes the hard lessons are the most important.

i get to call time warner tomorrow and express my anger and frustration at their treatment of their customers (ie, me). i don't expect much to come out of it, other than i'll lose my nifty new toy and have to go through the hassle of someone coming out to pick up my equipment. at least i have some sense of optimism left since i acutally thought i could believe them. or maybe it's naivete. not good.

still in a bit of shock from sunday night's BSG. this is what i get for not reading spoilers. totally unexpected. really not sure where they go from here. i had initial thoughts, but after doing some reading online, i suspect my suspicions are false. which is fine with me - never been one of those "gotta figure out the ending" kind of guys. i prefer to just let the story take me wherever it will.

i should try to go to bed, though i know it is far from me. did some grading at chipotle tonight and drank caffeinated pop to help me push through the final essays, so of course i'm completely awake now (which explains why i'm here). guess i could go watch the daily show/colbert report to try to unwind. not sure that will work. need to watch soon, just in case i lose my dvr sooner than i expect.

looking forward to celebrating the end of the trimester this weekend by seeing brandon and pomegranates at rohs street friday night. haven't been this excited about a band in a while. actually want to give them money to help them get their EP done - definitely going to bring some cash with me to make a donation on friday. looks like they're offering a tshirt, some copies of the cd and a hand colored picture. don't know if the offer still stands, but i'm willing to help any way i can. seriously, everyone needs to check them out.

also heading back to columbus again saturday morning for another brunch with college friends. unfortunately, i won't be eating, but the company is really why i go anyway. long way to go for no lunch, but definitely worth it. thought about hanging about for the rest of the day, but not sure yet. maybe i'll try to contact some of my columbus contacts, see if they're up for it.

fasting goes well - think my body is getting used to the fact that it's only going to get one meal a day. i'm definitely aware of the season, but have been a bit slack on truly seeking God's face. i'm hoping once the trimester ends that i'll be able to be a bit more focused. i'm wanting to get in touch with a couple of people during this time to pick their brains about this ordination thing - get a little outside perspective. plus, it will give me a chance to reconnect with some friends i've let slip through my fingers lately.

ok, really should at least try to unwind. hopefully i'll be able to be more consistent soon.
Æ


Tunes: pomegranates - nursery magic

in honor of last night

things that seemed like a good idea at the time

• putting my sheets in the wash before i went out tonight so i could dry them when i returned home and thus go to bed with warm sheets. then i didn't get home until 1:30....
• jumping up and down at the spleen concert last night
• trusting the timewarner salesman when he said my cable rates wouldn't go up if i signed up for digital phone and then canceled after 30 days
  
• driving home from columbus last night so i could sleep in my own bed
• thinking for algernon was a decent band - until they proceeded to sit in the front row and talk loudly and incessantly through brandon and liz's set
• telling my students i would have their papers and projects graded by monday
• canceling my emusic subscription
• drinking a mike's hard lemonade last night (wow, did it taste foul)
• wanting to leave before pomegranates played tonight (they were AMAZING)

Æ

Tunes: caterwaul - the sheep's a wolf

feeling under

the weather....the gun....whelmed....

no school for thurman today (oh boy, we're talking in third person - this is not a good sign). starting get sick on friday, absolutely worthless on saturday, still crappy yesterday and today i woke up and knew i would be of no use to anyone at school, so i called in. probably best for everyone involved - i got the added rest my body needed to heal and my students got to avoid me hacking phlegm all over them. a win-win if you ask me. it still lingers, but hopefully it'll go away by tomorrow morning.

news came down officially this weekend: no shakespeare in sharonville. city decided it had better things to spend its money on. leaves a gaping hole in my summer plans. trying to find something to fill its place. showboat is doing pirates, which i would love to do, but the rehearsal/performance schedule is a little scary, considering opening night is my final day of classes. but it's one of the musicals i've been wanting to do, so i might just take a shot. plus i know the director and know i can work with him. we'll see.

of course, no shakespeare means i might actually be able to mount my own production (ooh, dirty). or do some traveling. or, i don't know, work on my house or something. still seems too far away to think about now, but i'm sure it'll be here before i know it.

lent....didn't start well. my initial goal was to do a complete fast - no food for the season. that lasted all of 47 hours. i have plenty of excuses, which i'll spare you. so i've scaled back and am doing a ramadan-style fast: no food until sundown, which means tonight i get to eat at 6:27. will get more interesting once the time change occurs, which occurs about 2-3 weeks earlier this year. guess it's starting the second week of march instead of the first week of march now. i wonder who decides those things.

and i digress.

no grand revelations yet. i'm definitely more aware of the sacrifice i'm remembering, but not much as far as the guidance i'm seeking, just a vague sense of movement. toward or away, i'm not sure yet. trying to get the issues settled in my own head. have done some non-blogging writing about it, which i hope i'll be able to sift and maybe find stuff to type out here. but not yet.

oh yeah, the oscars were last night. bit underwhelming, really. the show itself seemed a bit discombobulated, as if it had no clear idea of what it wanted to do or what it wanted to be. kind of like me some days. can't say i was disappointed with any of the awards this year - a couple of surprises, but pretty much went the way i thought they would go, especially the "big" awards. glad to see marty finally get recognized, even if it's not his best work. and though i had my doubts about jennifer hudson (too much hype always makes me itchy), she proved to be an excellent choice (though i still need to see babel). ellen was fine as a host, though i enjoyed mr. stewart far more. personal taste, i suppose. be interesting to see if jon mentions it tonight.

so i find myself addicted to soccer. discovered fox soccer channel and have spent far too much time the past several days watching european football. and argentine football. and whatever matches happen to be on. just can't stop watching. i don't even understand the leagues or what's going on or even who the teams are, but i get sucked into the play and find myself cheering. this could definitely be detrimental to my social life, unless i start inviting people over to watch with me. brandon offered to come keep me company occasionally. any other football lovers out there?

i've blathered on long enough for now, especially since i have so little to say. really, i'm trying to kill the next 39 minutes or so before i can eat. probably should decide where i'd like to eat. or what. dave was right yesterday - when you fast, you no longer take whatever you're sacrificing for granted (or for granite, as some of my students like to write).
Æ

Tunes: de la soul - say no go

genius

the early bird gets screwed out of sleep

so mason is on a two-hour delay, a fact i discovered as i was passing fields-ertel road. i toyed with going home, but that seemed ridiculous, especially since by the time i got there, i'd have to turn around and come back. so here i am. i'll probably be diligent and get started on some grading. eventually. or maybe i'll get my room organized. bit chaotic at the moment, which would be ok if i didn't share a room.

it's ash wednesday (no, it has nothing to do with bruce campbell - though that would be funny) and thus begins the journey of lent. in addition to the giving up, i'm hoping to dig deeper into the scriptures - been finding myself skimming lately, usually through the daily office, but not taking time to really listen. i'm also going to be listening to hear God's direction concerning ordination. it's something i've put on the backburner and i'm hoping God will use this time to show me if it's something i should continue to pursue or if it's a part of my former life i need to let go. not sure where i stand at the moment - obviously it's still something important to me since i'm still concerned, but i don't know if that's a selfish, human concern or a God led one (not that they're mutually exclusive, of course). want to be clear in my own heart before i approach the vc leadership about it.

ok, time to be responsible. we'll see how long that lasts....
Æ

Tunes: echobelly - great things

so much for sleeping in

silly me forgot to turn off my alarm, which went off at 5AM as usual. only this time there was a twist - somehow, it must have startled me enough that i pinched or pulled a nerve in my back. for the next two hours or so, i tossed and turned in incredible pain, unable to find any comfortable position. and trust me, i tried - both sides, on my front, on my back, head to the foot of my bed, lying diagonally, lying in my comfy chair, lying on the floor, hands above my head, pillows stacked high, no pillows, dangling over the edge of the bed. nothing worked. eventually the aspirin i popped must have helped enough because i fell back asleep on my back. when i woke up again, i was afraid to move lest the pain start again, but it seems to have gone away, whatever it was. i actually thought of calling friends and asking if they had any stronger pain killers, but it was 6:00AM and no one would have been up. glad it went away - i just hope it doesn't return.
Æ

Tunes: the specials - enjoy yourself

shave and a haircut...

driving home from seeing music and lyrics tonight, gina pointed out a large hill of untouched snow and mentioned it looked like a perfect place for a snow angel. cursing under my breath, i pulled the car over, ran into the field, fell down and made my second snow angel of the weekend (the first was last night in my front lawn). it was like being triple dog dared. it was like i was roger rabbit and judge doom had started knocking. i just couldn't resist.

believe it or not, i actually liked music and lyrics. it was exactly like its subject matter - a pop song. nothing too deep, but then sometimes you're not looking for deep, you're just looking for something to make you feel good. and that it did. hugh grant was hilarious, drew barrymore played drew barrymore and the writing, while predictable plotwise, was witty enough that you didn't mind so much. a good and entertaining rom com.

no grading today - too busy. wasn't home long enough to actually get the last three papers done. trying to figure out how to grade the handful of pseudo-plagiarized papers - yes, they cut and paste, but they at least attempted to do proper citations. so i'll take points off, but not give them a zero. i'll leave that to their junior/senior teachers. nothing like passing the buck.

saw rhonda in the crucible. she did an excellent job. and the third act was quite powerful. but i felt it was mostly miscast. and i question some of the acting/directing choices made. and act iii was a bit dark. glad i was able to make it, though i ended up sitting on my own. should be used to that by now. such a powerful play, and frighteningly relevant even today.

bought some books yesterday - got my own copy of extremely loud and incredibly close. hope to reread it, this time marking passages. been a while since i've read a book that made me want to turn back to the first page and start reading again after i finished. also picked up buechner's speak what we feel not what we ought to say, his look at hopkins, twain, chesterton and shakespeare. then i went on half.com last night and bought another copy of life after God, one i can read over and over and not worry about ruining (my only other copy is signed). if this afternoon did anything, it inspired me to do some directing of my own. need to make this thing a reality.

time to get me some sleep. forgot to ask if there would be prayers tomorrow, so think i'll sleep until i wake up, finish my research papers and get started on the into the wild essays before i meet julie for lunch to talk about lent. wow, that's an awfully busy morning for a day off....
Æ

Tunes: sonic youth - teenage riot

for the love of God, no more

can't....grade....another....essay....

seems my shift in the auditorium this weekend was tonight as opposed to tomorrow night as i believed. no big problem - had planned on staying in mason anyway and heading to hamilton to see rhonda in the crucible tonight. now i'll just do it tomorrow. or maybe i'll go sunday afternoon. don't know yet, just know i'll be going sometime.

caught myself doing something strange lately - whenever i pass a window in my house, i find myself waving randomly. why, you might ask? i guess i like the idea that someone could be looking in and see me wave and think that i had seen them and either wave back or quickly stop looking at my window lest they be called a peeping tom.

i worry about my brain some days.

been doing a lot of thinking this week about religion, mostly because the idea on it keep crossing my proverbial threshold. starting with a reading in my buechner:

Unless you become like a child, Jesus said, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and maybe part of what that means is that in the long run what is good about religion is playing the way a child plays at being grown up until he finds that being grown up is just another way of playing and thereby starts to grow up himself. Maybe what is good about religion is playing that the Kingdom will come, until - in the joy of your playing, the hope and rhythm and comradeship and poignance and mystery of it - you start to see that the playing is itself the first-fruits of the Kingdom's coming and of God's presence within us and among us."

then tonight, through a posting on one of my mailing lists, i read an e-mail exchange between sam harris and andrew sullivan looking at the question, Is Religion 'Built Upon Lies'? fascinating discussion. at some point i dismissed sullivan as someone who annoys me (probably because he's conservative), but i found his arguments, especially his most recent post, inspiring. these words in particular resonated with me:

You write: "whatever is true about us, spiritually and ethically, must be discoverable now." Yes - absolutely yes. But now is always and everywhere a function of all that we have ever been. The key contribution of religion is to grapple with that fact at a far deeper level than science, to see human life as an intersection, in Eliot's words, of the timeless with time. Religion at its deepest is the attempt to reconcile this profound human predicament: that we exist in bodies but dream beyond them, that we are caught between the irrational instinct of beasts but endowed with the serene hope of angels. This paradox of humanity - which you would erase into a clean slate - is what religion responds to and has always responded to. The genius of the religious life lived to its fullest lies, in Oakeshott's words,

"in the poetic quality, humble or magnificent, of the images,

the rites, the observances, and the offerings

(the wisp of wheat on the wayside calvary)

in which it recalls to us that

'eternity is in love with the productions of time'
and invites us to live 'so far as is possible' as an immortal."

seems appropriate to be pondering these ideas as we move into the most "religious" of christian seasons, lent. the rites and observances of this season echo blake's verse: "eternity is in love with the productions of time." much of what we do during this time seems strange - the sacrifice, the rituals. but it's our attempt to make sense of this mystery, to play until we become, to try and align our mortal lives with the Immortal.

hard to believe i lived more than half my life unaware of the season's significance.

recommendation: you should be listening to woxy vintage. now. best collection around. turn off your ipod and turn this on: http://woxy.lala.com/vintage/ like shedding 20 years of worthless music.

night. Æ

Tunes: poi dog pondering - spending the day in the shirt that you wore

see previous post title

so the thought's been running scattershot through my brain lately, ricocheting 'round and making a general nuisance of itself. it's not a new thought, but it's been gaining in frequency and strength, especially with the experiences of the past few months. the thought is this: maybe it's time i gave up my belief in romantic love. blasphemy, i know, especially coming from a self-professed, hopeless romantic. i've lost my faith in romantic love. i still believe in it, that it exists and is a truly wonderful and magic-filled force. but i no longer believe (or at least i think i no longer believe) it exists for me.

let's look at this logically (a stretch for me, but i'll give it a try). if love was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened by now? it's been over 21 years since i first jumped in and began actively seeking for love and here i sit, alone, eating dinner, scratching my thoughts into this notebook. twenty-one years is a long time to seek without finding. ok, so that's not completely true - i've found it a handful of heart-wrenching times, but never anything lasting longer than a sprinkling of weeks. this lack of significant experience makes me wonder if i'm capable of sustaining a romantic relationship. so far the evidence points to no.

the question often arises from well-meaning (and mostly attached) friends: why is someone as (insert your favorite adjective here) as you not taken/in a relationship/dating? this question has plagued me for a while now. unlucky? a little. poor timing? you don't know the half of it. emotionally unavailable? probably less than most. too picky? possibly. too pessimistic? perhaps. a coward? most definitely.

some days i feel like a Duplo block in an Lego world. i look like i should be able to connect, but i'm just not created to.

some days i feel like a noble gas - maybe my outer electron shell is already complete, so there's no need to combine with other elements.

some days i feel like my wiring's bad, that i'm only attracted to what i cannot have or to those not attracted to me.

some days i wish i couldn't feel.

so what if i just gave up on romantic love? i could stop looking at every face in the crowd, wondering "are you someone i could love, who could love me in return?" i could stop casually glancing at every new possibility's left hand. i could stop despairing over missing out on something i was never meant to have. i could accept the way i was created and use my strengths instead of trying to be someone i'm not. i could focus on the relationships that do work in my life - my amazing friends, my beloved family - and stop wasting my time and energy on those that don't. i could get on with actually living Life instead of whining about the life i don't have.

and yet....

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.*

i suppose i could give up, declare it a lost cause, move on and focus on other things. would save me a lot of time and a lot of headaches and a lot of heartaches. but then no one ever promised this journey would be an easy one (well, except for those telling me to be patient and wait for "the one" God has chosen for me, but that's a topic for another time). it's the attempt - the nervousness and the awkwardness and the embarrassment and the rejection and the occasional success - that provides what is needed to keep going: hope.

so logic be damned. i'm not quite ready to abandon my faith in the power of romantic love. won't keep me from complaining occasionally and whining periodically. but it will keep me looking forward to the next horizon, hoping to catch a glimpse of startling eyes searching like mine. Æ

*before sunrise

Tunes: uncle tupelo - sandusky

WARNING: it's VD

"People wonder if movies reflect real life. Hell yes, they do. I'll tell you how. Both make it as difficult as possible for two people to find each other and fall in love. Think about it. All the barriers that get put in the way of romance which in movies is exactly the point. That's what holds our interest for two hours. But in real life, love would hold our interest. Movies end when two people finally embrace, but that is exactly when life begins. Everyone is aching for magic. Everyone wants that moment in the third act when their eyes meet and the music swells, and they fall into their lover's arms. But no one talks! No one connects anymore. Life is a very long movie, and everyone is stuck in the second act. This is what I wanna know.... why can't we cut to the climax?! Why can't we move right pass all the barriers and go straight to the part that everyone's waiting for --- the part where the guy gets the girl?"

Trevor Hale - "Cupid"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HV-PnXiLbw

the good side of media hype

so many wild predictions of what is going to happen tomorrow (no precipitation! freezing rain! 14 inches!) have led TPTB at mason to start us off on a two-hour delay tomorrow, which is probably a wise choice - better to wait and see then to have students try to drive in inclement weather or get to school and find ourselves stuck by the weather. me, i'm convinced we'll get nothing. or at least i'm trying to convince myself we'll get nothing, if only because then, if we do get something, i'll be pleasantly surprised and not disappointed. ye olde pessimism defense mechanism - if you always expect the worst, at least you're never disappointed. which i'm first to admit, is a crappy way of living life.

i struggle between the poles of optimism and pessimism. strangely enough, my natural inclination is toward a guarded optimism - i do believe tomorrow can be better than today, that love could wait around the next corner, that the experiences coming could be as wonderful as those past - but my most common outward expressions are pessimistic in nature. again, trying to protect myself from disappointment. but what if what i think of as protection is only keeping possibility at bay? what if this wall keeps not only the bad out but the good as well? but then when i open up the wall, it seems the bad comes stampeding in, leaving me unable to appreciate the good all around me.

there i go, overthinking things again.

it's actually tomorrow now - started this last night and lost my momentum, so decided to see if i could pick it up again. and see, my philosophy worked - what a great feeling to get a call in the middle of morning prayers letting me know we were taking a whole day instead of just two hours. just need to make sure i use this extra time wisely - will head down in just a bit to finish off the mockingbird tests and get started on the next set of essays - i just hope they're better.

"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be."

found it an interesting juxtaposition that this was one of the lectionary scriptures for this week, it being VD and all tomorrow. i like the balance of this verse - God searches both the heart and the mind. too often we rely on one to the detriment of the other. the problem is, most of us are more comfortable with one than the other. though i'd like to think i rely more on my heart, i usually think too much about things. wonder what would happen if i gave my heart a bit more space to roam. how might my life be different? but if the heart is dark and deceitful (and hopelessly so), how can we trust it? questions for another time.

time to grade. stay safe out there, those caught in this wonderful weather. me, i'm not going back out if i don't have to, mostly because i'll probably get stuck in my driveway again like i did this morning. seriously, my driveway isn't that steep, yet poor lorelai can't seem to navigate it. little frustrating. but she's safe and warm in the garage and will stay there until i need to drive again, hopefully tomorrow morning....or maybe even thursday.....
Æ


Tunes: the go-go's - head over heels

i'm a sucker

lots of sucking this weekend (and yes, all you physics people out there, i know nothing really sucks, but it all blows). players just asked if i could stay later tonight and i said yes. they're worried about the snow/icestorm coming in tomorrow and being stuck without rehearsal either tomorrow night or tuesday. no big deal, though i had hoped to possibly catch candice, who is at springdale for a praise fest or something. if it happens, it happens. if not, not meant to be.

finished one class's worth of papers. only one A, and that one was turned in late, so they actually will end up with an F. feel bad, but those are the rules. no real improvement in today's grading - same problems. need to figure out some way to have them do corrections without me having to regrade all the papers, which i simply don't have the time for. have to ponder this some.

been breaking up the grading today watching episodes of cupid on youtube. felt like a valentiney thing to do. and they're all there, so i can catch a couple of the one's i missed the first time around. also followed a link to rob thomas's website, which had lots of great stuff, including a commentary track for the pilot of veronica mars, which i'll have to watch sometime. if you never saw cupid, i recommend checking it out - great writing, fun premise, amazing chemistry between the actors. shame it only made it to 15 episodes (at least i think that's what it was).

small moments: julie thompson came up to me at lunch and said she was glad i was part of the vc community, that i brought something needed to the group. i stammered a thank you (gosh, at least i hope i did) and felt my heart strangely warmed. so often i feel like i add little to the conversation- not in a "oh woe is me" kind of way but in a "i'm not leaving much of a footprint here" kind of way, like i'm a ghost floating by, insubstantial, barely seen. we all have a desire to make an impact, to make an impression. makes me happy to know i'm leaving some kind of impression.

it also reminds me how much i need to share with others the impact they make. jule's comment made my day - i would hope i could do the same for someone else.

there was a posting to the wesseling list this afternoon - a production is looking for someone who can do an english accent for an upcoming show. it's performing in hyde park and i had actually thought of auditioning originally, but didn't. the only rub - the performances run over the st. patrick's celebration going on at vc. and i want to be there for that. decisions decisions. am jonesin' for some theatre action, but this may not be it.

ok, one more hour to go. probably sit and watch another episode of cupid. should probably be putting together lesson plans for this week, both with and without a snow day tuesday (rumors have it being pretty bad, though i'll believe it when i see it. been burned too many times before by faulty forecasting). guess i could try and catch the police reunion on the grammys, but i don't know if we get that station up here or not. i'm sure it'll be on youtube tomorrow anyway.

night.
Æ

Tunes: tori amos - angie

i suck

no, really, i do. if as a teacher i am judged by how well my students are able to follow directions and do simple things like properly set up a research paper, then judging from the papers i've graded today, i suck. a lot. i'm sure i went over all of the errors i'm catching in their papers, and yet here i am, staring at a stack of papers where not one had earned an A grade. this makes me sad for a myriad of reasons. i need to find a better way to teach this because what i'm doing is not making enough of an impact on them.

and i find myself a bit angry at points, too. one of the papers is nothing but a collection of quotes from various websites cut and pasted into the proper research paper format with citations at the end of the paragraphs. this i KNOW i went over. but they don't get it. and i haven't helped them get it. and i don't think i can do anything now that will help them to get it, which means they will go on into their junior year still unable to write a simple research paper. maybe i'm expecting too much from them, but really, when they can't even get the basic format correct even though we went over it and over it in class, then the onus is on them, right?

whew. good to get that off my chest. here's hoping my other class's papers are better.

another education question: what do you do when a student wants you to fail them? it was recommended to me this week that if i fail a student, then i will be doing exactly what they want me to do, thus reinforcing their undesirable behavior and contributing to their anti-social behavior. so then what exactly are my options?

• i could simply make sure the student passes. this is ridiculous, of course, because while they won't get their desired result, they will still learn that they can do nothing and succeed. and i certainly don't want to start a precedent of passing students just because it would be good for their mental health. so i can clearly not choose this option.
• i could stand over the student and hound them and hound them until they complete all of their missing assignments. however, since one of the issues is the student engages in attention-getting behavior, then i would be falling once again into their trap by giving them the extra attention they want. plus, while it would be nice to give such attention to all of my students, i cannot do this for all the students that need it. so i can clearly not choose this option either.
• i could continue to give the student no credit for missing assignment and let them suffer the consequences of their inaction, even if it means they succeed in failing my class like they want. unfortunately, this will not sit well with either the parents or the administration. and i get the feeling i will be held responsible if the student fails because i didn't do enough to help them to pass, even though i'm willing to work with the student and to take work late (for reduced credit, of course). truly, i have a dizzying intellect.
• i could sit down with the student, let them know i know what they are trying to do and try and figure out why they want to fail my class and show them why that would be an unwise choice and encourage them to actually do the work required. but then again, i fall into giving extra attention, which as we know, we're trying to avoid encouraging. you'd like to think i'm done, wouldn't you?
• i could simply sit at a borrowed computer and type up possible actions, hoping somehow it will all become clear, when deep down i have the suspicion this is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't things that i'm just going to have to live with. of course, by typing this here, i run the risk of having someone read this and report to either the parents or the administration that i'm writing about a student, which could lead to me being disciplined for being unprofessional. inconceivable, you say? i don't think it means what you think it means.

well, that was fun. and now it's time to call it a day. Æ

Tunes: kate bush - rubberband girl

not surprising

just took the gilmore guide to pop culture quiz and scored a perfect eight out of eight. i have no idea how i knew the name of gwen stefani and gavin rossdale's baby, but i did. i'm sure it's taking up the space needed for something important that i now will never remember.

my brain scares me sometimes.
Æ

Tunes: the grays - the very best years

only a moment

need to be heading out the door in about 15 minutes for the 2nd annual mason student film festival. had meant to stay at school so i didn't have to make two trips, but forgot my festival clothes until i was getting ready to exit onto 71 this morning (at which point, i must admit, i let fly with my favorite vulgar phrase - i won't repeat it here, but i stole it from the movie heathers). so now i get to fight traffic to get there. not ideal, but you do what you have to. plus, it gave me a little time at home to unwind before tonight. staying all day at school blows.

of course, i have to be back up in mason tomorrow and sunday - auditorium duty again. desperately needed, mostly because i have so much grading and am too easily distracted unless i'm forced to stay in one place. i'll be watching over MCP, who are doing some play which i can't remember. it's load in, so there shouldn't be too many distractions, which will help with the grading.

had been toying with going to see jake speed and the freddies on VD, but found out, while the concert is free, you have to make reservations for dinner - only $24.95 per person. think i'll wait until he plays somewhere free....nothing planned much for now. while some friends feel i put too much emphasis on this hallmark holiday, thus giving it "power," most of my "celebrating" is tongue in cheek. and i do think our society has killed true romance in the name of freedom of expression. what passes for romance these days is a shabby copy of the real thing - actually, a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy to the point where it's lost any resemblance to the real thing. and we've become so used to this shabby copy that we don't know how to react to something truly romantic and might even become disgusted by it.

ah, no time for this now. maybe i'll play with that idea more later.

enjoy your friday night. here's hoping we have an audience for our films....
Æ

Tunes: the velvet underground - foggy notion

free day

sitting at betta's, waiting for a pepperoni/sausage/extra cheese calzone. just sounded good today. been a decent day so far - went to prayers, shoveled my driveway, sidewalk and stairs, slept a bit more. am on my way to the library to pickup the maltese falcon for tomorrow's film club and then to the esquire to see little children. figure if i do all this now then i can grade tonight. here's hoping i'm not fooling myself.

revisited Life After God again a bit this morning. i'm feeling a strong desire again to do this, sooner than later. i put it off much longer and i'll be too old to play scout - probably too old now, but it's my adaptation and i want to play him. the trickiest part will be the casting, especially stacey and dana. the other characters, i know people that could play them. but i don't know too many malibu barbie blondes. or porn stars. i would love to keep this within the vc community, but not sure that will prove possible, or even wise. i only get one shot at this, so i want it to be great. need to do more thinking on this.

lent's right around the corner and i've begun asking God where He'd like me to go this year. and i sense Him leading me toward a complete fast this year. i did this seven years ago, though that was a juice fast. this time it would be nothing but water, maybe some broth if things get too tough. last time focused on where God would take me next and eventually led me to kent state and to teaching high school. i'm feeling a similar desire now, to know what lies ahead. i'm not in the wilderness like before, but i have a sense of an approaching horizon and i want to be sure i'm ready for whatever is coming.

movie starts in an hour. better be going. Æ

**************************************
ah, the best laid plans.....

made it to the library, got stuck in the drive thru lane, so was a bit frustrated pulling out and didn't bother to look at the video, assuming they had given me the correct one. they hadn't. they had pulled the 1931 version instead of the 1941 version. not what i wanted. of course, i found this out after the movie, so decided to return it and pick up the correct one. so i headed toward downtown only to discover they didn't have it there. but they did have a copy at st. bernard - the place i had just left. so i had to backtrack and pretty did a big circle around the city to get there before they closed at 6:00. made it, but just barely. should have looked at it when i got it, but getting my car through the snow was a higher priority.

little children was an excellent film and surprisingly (and darkly) amusing at points. great performances all around. the story was well-covered ground - the soullessness of suburban life, infidelity as a way of breaking the monotony, our need to condemn. nothing new, but still done well. jackie earle haley performance was beyond creepy yet with enough humanity to make us feel for him. not a best picture film but one worth seeing for the distorted mirror it holds up to our own lives and insecurities.

tried to indulge in some consumer therapy using my christmas gift card, but i can't seem to buy music anymore. seems ridiculous to spend $10.00+ for cds anymore. i blame emusic - all i keep thinking is i can get more music for less money there. plus, i'm not excited about anything i've read about or heard lately. should have just bought the jake speed cd and a couple of greatest hits and been done with it. but couldn't pull the trigger.

need to go grade now. and figure out how i'm going to get my classes through everything before the end of the trimester. can't believe how little time is actually left. this is not good..... Æ


Tunes: the smiths - there is a light that never goes out

a prayer

A poem written by Archpriest Grigori Petrov (Gregory Petrov) shortly

before his death in a Siberian prison camp in 1942.

---------------

What is my praise before Thee?

I have not heard the cherubim singing,
that is the lot of souls sublime,
but I know how nature praises thee.

In winter I have thought about the whole earth
praying quietly to Thee in the
silence of the moon,
wrapped around in a mantle of white,
sparkling with diamonds of snow.

I have seen how the rising sun rejoiced in Thee,
and choirs of birds sang forth glory.

I have heard how secretly the forest noises Thee abroad,
how the winds sing,
the waters gurgle,
how the choirs of stars preach of Thee
in serried motion through unending space.

Tunes: roxy music - more than this

snow day part deux

twice in one week. so much for my prediction that we'd have no snow days this year (though technically monday was a "calamity day" - you know, like earthquakes, hurricanes, frigid weather....and contrary to rumors being spread, it had nothing with the superintendent's daughter wanting a snow day, though logan can be quite persuasive). need to make sure i'm more dilligent tomorrow than i was on monday - can't let another opportunity to get on top of my grading mountain go to waste. and this time, i really can't get anywhere, other than where i can walk (like morning prayers). seriously, you'd think i live in a city from the deep south the way cincy behaves in inclement weather. sad.

reminded again tonight of why i don't drink alcohol, other than i'm cheap. we met at the novotni's tonight for house church and they had some mike's hard lemonade left over from the superbowl festivities. so i had one after the meal. and it's like someone wrapped me in a blanket of melancholy. i know, it's a depressant and all that, but seriously, i'm exceptionally susceptible. thought about drinking one of my left over white russians to celebrate having a snow day, but really not wanting to be sad if i have to grade student papers - will probably be sad enough anyway.

ben and sarah had a discussion stemming from the events of this weekend, raising the important theological question, "does God watch the superbowl?" here was my response:

as for the philosophical question raised, i'd assume, since God's eye is on the sparrow, it is also on the Colts and the Bears. so i think we can be sure He watches the game, not so much to find out how it turns out (he is omniscient, after all), but because He watches everything, no matter how large or how small. perhaps the better question is, "Does God care about the Super Bowl?" as a human event, God has a curiosity to what we're doing. but i don't think He cares about the game itself much, just the people in it. it's important to Our Father mostly because it's important to (some of) us. i like to think He's sadly amused by how much time and effort and money is spent in this distraction and wishes we could find some other way to enjoy His creation, but then maybe i'm just bitter because of the inordinate amount of money thrown at this event when there are much better ways to spend it.

so like earthly fathers become interested in their children's activities, i think God is interested in the super bowl, but left to his own devices, He'd probably find something better to do. of course, it probably helps that He's not limited by time and space so He's able to do multiple things at once, unlike us.

there was a character with the first name thurman in tonight's veronica mars (some sleazy cfo for a television ministry). always weird to hear my name used in pop culture - last time i remember it happening was in bad santa. and i think there's some x-files episode with a thurman in it. last name is a little more common (like the marlee matlin's interpreter on the west wing). hopefully it doesn't catch on - i kind of like my name being a bit unique.

enough for tonight. i'll stop by tomorrow, most likely when i need a break from the research papers. or when i'm trying to avoid them.

Tunes: bob marley - no woman no cry

i can't stop giggling

so there i am, lying in bed, reading my buechner, thinking i should go take a couple of aspirin before trying to fall asleep, when my phone rings. i look at the caller id. and my first thought is, "no way...." i answer "good morning" (don't ask me why, other than i was in bed) and the next thing i know my good friend andy is telling me school has been cancelled for tomorrow. after a stunned silence, i started laughing and accused andy of pulling my leg. nope. it's real. guess it's snowing up in mason and they made the call and well, here i am, ecstatic that i don't have to get up in the morning. glorious. seriously, this is even better than when i was a student. i'm giddy.

spent part of the evening at the brownhouse. decided to eschew the typical super bowl rigmarole and joined a group in watching born into brothels, the documentary about children in india born in the red light district. heartbreaking and uplifting, i highly recommend it if you haven't seen it. we discussed some of the issues raised and how, through contacts we have, we might be able to do something for people there as well as how we might do something here. hard to sit around and complain about your life when you see how the majority of the world lives. all i can think is i'm so blessed, i'm so blessed, i'm so blessed.

not the first time i was reminded of that this weekend. got to meet up with mike, andrea, laurie, jessy, mel, maralyn and m & a's friend fiona at bon vie at easton on my way up to mvnwhatever. hadn't seen most of them since the spleen show last fall and hadn't seen laurie since....i have no idea. almost didn't recognize her daughter jordan who was there. just being in their presence was refreshing. need to do it more often and for longer. could have spent all day with them, but alas, none of our schedules allowed it. need to have a party sometime soon....

the trip to the alma mater was far better than i anticipated, mostly because i hadn't been expecting much. but the one acts didn't suck and it's great fun hanging around with wayland and brent and lisa. we crashed the cast party and had a good time doing the stupid games we always play at the cast party with the next generation. and for the first time in a while, i i found myself actually missing mvnwhatever. there's still part of me that wants dan's job - the stupid, naive part of me, but still. i have grand ideas of what the program should be up there, but little belief i'd 1) ever get hired; 2) be allowed to make the changes necessary; 3) get paid a livable wage.

as for why my social life is over....i upgraded my cable service to include both a digital phone and a dvr. 'twas a deal i couldn't pass up - free month of cable/roadrunner/phone, then i can cancel the phone (which i'm going to do because i have no need for a land line) and my bill will actually be cheaper than it was before and i get to keep the dvr for 11 more months. how could i not take advantage? i've already programmed everything i watch in. now i just have to figure out how to tape shows off my dvr for my cableless friends. i have a couple of options, but need to figure it out.

ok, think i'm going to grab some sleep so i can get up in time to do morning prayers. need to spend time grading tomorrow - at least it will be too cold to go anywhere. so glad i'm a teacher right now....
Æ

Tunes: sonic youth - the diamond sea