not so easy

I thought I would easily get back into the swing of blogging again, but I seem to have hit a wall of some sort. Every time I sit down to write, it all seems so trivial and unimportant. Why bother putting drivel out there. There's plenty of it to go around nowadays. But if I wait until I'm "inspired," who knows when I'll post again.

And honestly, is anyone out there interested in a blow by blow recounting of the trials and joys of my days? Surely I've been absent long enough that those who were using this blog as a means of keeping in touch with my life have moved on. And what kind of picture are they getting of my life anyway when I mostly use this space to bitch and moan? Not a complete picture at the very least.

Maybe it's time to put an end to this season of my life. I have found other ways to get my writing fix, other places to rant and rave. It was nice to scream into the void for a while, but maybe I'm in a different place now. Or maybe I was always in this place, only I didn't realize it. Or maybe I'm just in one of my moods and should shut up.

My lent so far has not been as focused as I had hoped. Giving up TV has left me with a lot more miscellaneous time on my hands, which I've been filling with reading and a little writing. But am I doing what I'd planned, which is actually finding/seeing God's face? Or am I simply filling the space left by one distraction with another? I do find myself doing a lot more thinking lately, which isn't always a good thing. I end up chasing my tail and convincing myself of things that aren't necessarily true.

Sunday night at Thinplace we looked at the Transfiguration and I journalled about what it is that terrifies me and I came up with a long list. Actually, it terrified me just how terrified I am. Not the fears we usually talk about - spiders, snakes, heights. These are ones I've been wrestling with for quite a while, ones I've not seen go away. And after I had written them down, I realized I had no one I could - or would - share them with.

Which makes me a little sad.

Look, maybe it's the season of life. Maybe all this is fairly normal, though I sense not much about my life could be considered normal. Maybe this too will pass. But what if it doesn't? What if this isn't a phase but is simply the next part of life and I need to stop hoping it will change and get used to dealing with what it is? Perhaps at this point it's too late to keep hoping each day will be different and realize my energy is better spent making the best of each day.

Which makes me a little sad. Æ

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