this makes me happy

WARNING: possible spoilers, i suppose. but go see this. NOW!

some things that make me smile

Calvin and Hobbes.
80s metal ballads.
Fireflies.
My students.
Road trips.
Clever use of language.
Karin Berquist's voice.
Making a sad friend laugh.
Neighborhood children playing in my yard.
"Great! Now I have guilt!"
Personal snailmail.
Napping in my hammock.
Conversations with friends.
Jesus's disciples.
The Onion.
The word kumquat.
The absurdity of life.
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an unforeseen side effect

so here i am, in the midst of taking a summer class on writing, learning how to "trust the gush" and to find my own voice as i learn how to help my students find their voice and then when i come here to write, i find i'm all written out. it's like the barista who spends her day serving coffee and has no desire to drink any when she gets home.

this should explain my silence.

so how was the first week? good and bad i suppose. started painfully - had no desire to be there and felt not only was i a bad teacher but a bad writer as well. but i soon lost the dark cloud and the rest of the week turned out ok. we have to turn in 8-10 pages of writing, plus a 2-3 page reflection on those pages, plus a 90-minute presentation, plus a 25 page portfolio of our writing. pretty similar to what i did at kent, really. hopefully this time i'll remember to do the reflection on each piece. wanted to focus on writing that doesn't come naturally, namely short story, but found myself falling back into my comfort zones of poetry and journaling. ah well.

here's an incomplete piece for your perusal - came out of a prompt based on gendler's book of qualities:

Insecurity stares up at the giants surrounding him, knowing he is horribly outmatched. His insignificant strides bring him only a little closer to the finish line while in the distance, Confidence and Satisfaction do their victory dance. He falls in the footsteps of those who have gone before, straining to climb out of the indentation. Insecurity hears the rumbling behind him and stops, letting others pass him by. Hope calls from up ahead, encouraging him to continue on but he cannot hear, his head swirling with past failures and insufficiencies. He lies down, wraps his arms around Fear, sprawled in the dust of Success.

this is one of those pieces where i like the idea, but not sure there's much i could do with it - it's too much like what gendler does and i'm not sure how to transform it into something purely my own.

not much else to share from this week. did find out several of us live in the norwood/oakley/hyde park area, so at least i'm only driving to miami once a week. nothing like being in a car full of women for two hours a day to lift your spirits - or drive you absolutely crazy. hilarious conversations about everything - one of the better parts of the course so far.

sam and elizabeth's wedding was lovely - perfectly matched their personalities. i almost didn't make it - wasn't feeling social - but forced myself to go. and my spirit lifted as things went on. good to see the community celebrating. and they're such a perfect couple.

ok, i need to go find some dinner. had thought i might be watching some soccer today, but plans fell through. probably for the best since i needed a nap of some sort. i'm craving bacon. that's weird....
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tunes: damien jurado - ohio

toxicity

i've had a crappy week, which sucks because it should be a week of rejoicing now that summer has arrived. but i've not been around, i've been wandering the hinterlands with no clue on how i got here or where it might lead. all i know is it's not a journey worth sharing at the moment. i'll be back when i find my bearings - no use inflicting myself on the world at large.
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tunes: kacy crowley - kind of perfect

ps enjoy this picture, though (thanks alexa!)

i cannot believe it's not over yet

sitting here on a beautiful summer evening, wishing i could leisurely sit back, watch the tony awards and not have to worry about having to get to sleep so i can get up at 5 am to head to school to give exams. but i cannot. and i know those of you who work in "the real world" have absolutely no empathy for me and i probably wouldn't either in your positions. doesn't mean i still won't complain about it.

i've discovered i can only take the tony awards in small doses. it's just too much for me. i love theatre and love the performances, but after a while it exhausts me. kept switching the channel. and now it's on in the background and i'll occasionally step in to catch one of the performances. but that's about all right now. might be different if i were part of that culture more often, but i haven't seen most of the shows and most of the speeches are horribly artsy-fartsy and over the top. maybe this is why i never pursued theatre professionally.

or maybe i'm just grumpy tonight.

it has made me think i might want to try my hand at play writing again. maybe i'll use owp for that. of course, i'll need some idea first. what that would be, i have no idea.

went to graduation today - walked from my house down the hill to the cintas center. first time i've ever been able to make it; usually it's over memorial day weekend and i've been busy. think i'm going to have to try and do it more often. great to see students i had way back my first year as freshmen graduating. the ceremony was well-organized and efficient - we made it through all 580 graduates and the surrounding hoopla in less than two hours. best part - after everything was over, the teachers lined the corridors leading to the staging area and got to say goodbye to the students. lots of hugs, lots of handshakes, lots of students i'll be sad not not see again (and some not so sad). fun to see students faces light up when they saw you, even if our paths hadn't crossed for three years.

so maybe this teaching thing isn't so bad, even if we're still in school in the middle of june.

the goal is to finish the journals tomorrow during the exam so i can spend tuesday afternoon grading the exams so i can pack everything up on wednesday morning. definitely doable as long as i'm diligent. and i should be.

ok, back to leisurely watching the tony's and waiting for my laundry to finish. here's hoping the week flies by...
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too lazy to think of something witty

i have this dream that some day i will be able to sleep in again and not wake up with the sun. i dream of rolling over and seeing my clock in double digits. i dream of waking up refreshed and ready for the new day instead of stiff and sore and grumpy.

i also dream of women wearing jester costumes, but that's a whole other issue.

unfortunately it looks like a beautiful day, one i'll be spending the majority of locked in a dark little room at the high school. it's the choices we make, the trade offs, so i'm not complaining actually, just realizing everything has a sacrifice, one i will appreciate down the road when i'm flying to vegas or when paying bills isn't so painful. but most of today i'll be wishing i was on my bike (confession time: i proofread this before posting and i had actually written "on my back." that could have been awkward). i also forgot to check the southgate house schedule before i agreed to work today and forgot karin and linford and jake and the allstars are playing tonight. so unless the dance group finished early (which almost never happens), i'll miss k & l, but could make it down for jake and the allstars. we'll see how i'm feeling. i might be braindead from reading my student's journals.

thursday was an excellent night of partying. beth's shindig was relaxed and an excellent way to begin looking forward to summer. sometimes i wish i could get together with other teachers and not talk shop, but it seems nigh on impossible. other topics were covered, of course, including plans for summer, but it's hard to shut off that part of your brain, especially when at this time of the year when it's consuming so much of your time. but at least i seem to be a bit better off than some - at least i didn't collect any major assignments this week.

then mary's/UG was a good time, seeing lots of friends i haven't seen in many months. good to catch up with allison and rob and everyone else. was a bit weird(er) for me this time. been to mary's several times before for maryoke and am comfortable being one of the few straight men there. however, this time the tv screens were playing what appeared to either be softcore gay porn or some new reality tv show called "the next abercrombie and fitch model." little uncomfortable for this flaming heterosexual. great to hear allison belt out "hearbreaker" again. i didn't sing alone, but joined the group for "seasons of love." even got a souvenir for the evening - matt finally finished the chess dvds, so now i can watch. can't wait.

decided i need to start writing down writing ideas for the upcoming owp. had a couple last night while walking to get an icee late last night. not sure anything will come from them, but probably best not to start with a completely blank slate when i get there. here's hoping this time this summer will wake up my muse, who has been strangely silent lately.

need to be up in mason by 12:00 and need to arrive early enough to load up at least two classes worth of journals to carry downstairs. at least i'm not stranded in the dank hole at the middle school. bleah. now i just have to make my big decision for the day: moe's or jimmy john's for lunch. hmmmm....
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tunes: tori amos - smells like teen spirit

no more essays!

finally, the mockingbird essays are graded and ready to be added to the gradebook tomorrow morning. ended with four of the worst essays i've ever had turned in to me - one of which was plagiarized from this site. note to plagiarizers - if the idiot uploading the paper cannot even spell words in the title correctly, what makes you think it will be a decent paper? oh wait, i forgot - you're not thinking, which is why you're plagiarizing.

this is the second instance of plagiarism this week: earlier i had a miracle occur. two students from my first bell turned in papers that were almost exactly alike. when i confronted them, they claimed they had no idea how it had happened that they used the exact same quotes in their paper and just happened to both start their second paragraph with the exact same sentence. after some deep theological wrestling, they came to this conclusion: student A had helped a student in another class with his essay, who then in turn helped student B to write his. amazing. so now they're both writing new essays for me. i'm sure they'll get excellent grades on those...

yes, i'm a bit on the pissed side at the moment. it's an insult to my intelligence when students think i won't be able to tell they didn't write a paper. i mean, i'm sure some have slipped my attention, but they're not even trying to do it well.

here's an odd story: so monday i discovered the speakers on my computer no longer worked. no sound, no lights, nothing. i unplugged them. i checked the sound card. i turned it over and over. i contacted dell, who gave me a long troubleshooting diagnostic to run. nada. luckily, i still had three days left on my one-year warranty - looks like someone screwed up the built in obsolescence by about a week. so dell is sending me a new set of speakers. then, when i came up to check my email after finishing grading, my speakers suddenly started working. i did nothing different. one day they're working, the next they're not. weird. but am definitely happy they're working now. and this way i'll have a backup set for when these go out again. or i could hook them both up and have a REALLY loud computer sound system.

trying to decide what i should do now - feel like i should go get dinner, but it's awfully late and i'm not that hungry, though i know i probably will be later. thought about just taking a walk and hoping that would take the edge off, but it would probably just jump start my metabolism right before i go to bed, making me hungry and unable to fall asleep. ah, the major complications of my life.

tomorrow i have two parties to go to (which is why i had to finish my grading tonight) - one after school at beth's, celebrating the end of the school year with friends from school. and then after that, i'll be heading down to the establishment formerly known as hamburger mary's to catch up with allison, who's in town for just one night. could be a late night, but will definitely be worth it. not sure i'll participate in the maryoke portion of the evening - guess we'll see how i'm feeling - and if i've indulged in any adult beverages.

the end of school has taken any signs of depth right out of my writing. hopefully i'll get it back before owp starts in a week and a half. bleah. not terribly excited about it at this moment. hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

ok, my stomach has won. off to grab an ill-advised late night dinner. so much for my plans to wear a speedo this summer....
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tunes: american music club - another morning

soundtrack to the day

on the drive to school, my mp3 player played two of my all-time favorite songs: U2's "bad" and the cure's "pictures of you." and now "one tree hill" is playing. makes me feel like i'm eighteen again. i wonder what the rest of the day will be like.
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tunes: U2 - one tree hill

brief weekend recap

knocked up was excellent. similar to 4oYOV with its combination of bawdy humour and touching moments, but much more romcom. katherine heigl is lovely. seth rogen is hilarious. and paul rudd is genius. so that's two pregnancy movies in a week and i liked them both. go figure.

rode my bike for the first time in months - 20 miles from around newtown to just south of loveland and back. would like to do it more often, but it's 20 minutes to get there and 20 minutes back, which means i'd have to block out about two hours to bike. maybe once summer rolls around it will be doable.

saw pomegranates again last night at the southgate house. excellent show, complete with cedarville marching band uniforms, though i am baffled by advertising. posters say 8:00. show didn't start until 9:45. and everyone else seemed to know this because we were the only ones there at 8:30. must be some secret i am not privy to. unfortunately, the boys wrecked their van (cleverly named the pomevanate) on the way to the show. they and the equipment were fine, but they kind of need transportation. anyone have a van they're not using?

finished grading the independent novel projects. now i just have the mockingbird essays and their journals, plus the making meaning questions for the stories they've been reading. the end is in sight. this week is going to be tough, though, 'cause all their friends are done and out. and it doesn't help to remind them they started two weeks after everyone else. they've conveniently forgotten that.

started reading U2 at the end of the world. i know, should have done it much sooner. but i finally found a used copy at half price and picked it up. good stuff so far. i know most of the stories so far, but still a fun read. would rather do that than grade essays.

saturday was one of those odd days, where i actually felt like the cool and interesting person i am. i really like my new haircut, got some encouraging emails, an actual handwritten letter. excellent day all around. wish i could remember how that felt for those days when i feel less than cool and interesting.

five days of classes. two days of exams. one teacher day. two days of training. one month of ohio writing project. then summer break for six weeks. somehow this fails to inspire me.

to sleep, perchance to dream.
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tunes: journey - stone in love

that's what i'm talking about

just got back from seeing waitress. nothing new about the story. in fact, it's one that's been told thousands of times - poor girl stuck in a horrible relationship falling for someone wonderful. no surprise twists, no clever variations on a theme. just the simple story of a sad girl finding her way in life.

but wow, did it work. funny, touching, intelligent, great characters. everything every blockbuster i've seen lately hasn't been. it knew what it was and played within its boundaries and was great. i highly recommend seeing it. stripped away a bit of the cinema curmudgeon that's been building up on me.

rough day teaching-wise. plagued with self-doubt and an overwhelming sense that i'm sucking at my job. luckily, i've now been doing this long enough to realize i am neither as good or as bad as i think. just seemed to pile on today. i look at some of my students who are failing and feel i haven't done enough to help them. i've got several beyond hope at this point and i want to be encouraging, but really, even if they turned in all their late work, they still wouldn't have enough to pass. i know it's the choices they made, but still feel responsible. which i suppose means i haven't been broken completely yet....

couple of former students "bought" lunch with me tomorrow - to raise money for the senior picnic, they auction of teachers and the highest bidder gets to have lunch with their teacher. good deal - free lunch for me tomorrow. and while the students in question tend to drive me a bit batty at times, it'll be fun to sit down with them one final time before they graduate.

favorite student quote of the year: grading independent novel projects and one of the options is to write a letter to the author. the student had read jon stewart's america (the teacher's edition)
and wrote a letter to mr. stewart. in it was this line: "i guess all jews are funny." seriously, i can't make stuff like this up. made my afternoon. and i am SO sending it to jon.

time for my summer haircut friday. decided to not wait until i could get an appointment at heaven, so i'm headed back to gina's stylist. no idea what i'm going to do - suggestions always welcomed. just know i don't want anything resembling a mullet. or too short on top. would so help if i could just figure out what to tell a stylist, but i get there, they wrap that sheet around my neck and all coherent thought runs out of my head. and i never figure out it's not what i wanted until i'm driving home. hopefully that won't happen this time.

time for bed, if not sleep. taking my class outside tomorrow, which means lots and lots of walking. here's hoping it goes well and i don't completely sweat through my clothes.
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tunes: richard cheese - add it up

color me coward

The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
- John Stuart Mill

days such as today, where we remember those who have fought and died for these glorious freedoms we enjoy, always fill me with a vague sense of uneasiness because i don't know how to celebrate them. or even if i should celebrate them.

don't get me wrong - i understand and appreciate the sacrifices made. i know these men and women died for what they believe in. i recognize without those willing to fight for our country, i would not be sitting here now, expressing my freedom of speech via this blog.

but the truth is, i feel a bit hypocritical celebrating.

see, i consider myself a pacifist. and not just when it comes to war, but against violence between people in any form. not sure when this became a belief of mine, though i know it came about through my own reading of scripture, specifically the teachings of Christ. even as a teenager, pacifism seemed the logical path. i remember a bible study right after reagan bombed lybia when gary split the room in half – those that agreed with the bombing on one side, those that didn’t on the other. it was me and two others on the disagree side with well over thirty on the other. it just didn’t make sense – how do we show that violence is wrong by resorting to violence? does not the bible teach an alternative?

over the years i’ve had my stance challenged, mostly with rhetorical situations – what if someone were threatening your family with a gun? what if you saw someone hurting someone else? what if someone had information about a nuclear device set to go off in 30 minutes? - the assumption always being that the only option available to the pacifist is to stand passively by while people hurt those you love. names like doormat and unpatriotic and coward usually get tossed about.

i give my answers, usually falling back on the usual – the preciousness of life, the opportunity for grace, love those who persecute you, blah blah blah. but lately i have become acutely aware that, like many of my beliefs, they exist only in the hypothetical. i think i know how i would react. but the truth is, i have never been put in any of the hypothetical situations above. and i hope i never am. but there is no guarantee.

and i’ve been wondering lately – what if my pacifism is merely a manifestation of my primary weakness – my own cowardice? what if i abhor violence because i am afraid? what if i despise war, not because it’s wrong, but because then i might actually have to fight? what if turning the other cheek is actually the easy way out? what if i am a conscientious objector because then it means someone else has to fight my battles for me? what if i’m just being selfish?

maybe that’s why i’m uncomfortable with days like today – because it forces me to compare myself with those that have sacrificed their lives – and i find myself wanting.

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
- Martin Luther King Jr.

and yet, what if i’m not being selfish? what if it’s not cowardice that drives me but a desire to live as God has called, even if those around me disagree? what if being a pacifist doesn’t mean being passive? what if it is truly the most transformative thing we can do?

maybe pacifism is unrealistic. maybe it is the height of foolishness. but then so is much of what we call Christianity when compared to what passes for normal in society. loving your neighbor? your enemy? doing unto the least of these? seeking first the kingdom of God?

i don’t claim you must be a pacifist to be a Christian. i have had many friends as well as many authors and thinkers i admire who disagree with me. it doesn’t make them warmongers any more than it makes me a coward. and that’s ok. be quite the boring world if we all believed in the same way.

and so i do celebrate today. i celebrate that God’s call for us to live our lives for Him doesn’t mean we all fall into lockstep. i celebrate that God sees fit to include all of us in His love, not just those who would fight for Him – or not fight for Him. i celebrate that there are those that by their lives (and deaths) challenge my beliefs, just as i hope i challenge theirs.

Æ

third time not a charm

back from seeing pirates 3. similar problems i had with spidey 3 - too many stories. and a complete lack of fun. too much time needed to follow the thirty-two different sub-plots going on to give us any entertaining bits of dialogue or fun. it's like hollywood has lost the ability to tell simple stories - always need more characters, more subplots, more senseless scenes to show off our f/x capabilities. probably why i avoid blockbusters most of the time. i know there's rumours of doing a fourth if it works out, but i hope they end it here. would like to get pick up the first dvd - no use getting all three.

gina asked if i could name any movie franchises where i liked the third movie. i couldn't think of any, other than return of the king and chasing amy (though that last one doesn't really count). anyone have one?

i'm always thinking of things to write about but then i sit down and none of them come readily to mind...oh wait, that's right...

went to my first ever cattle call audition yesterday for the league of cincinnati theatres. just ten actors in front of twenty theatres. never done a monologue and a song audition before and figured it would be fun for the experience. went ok - i didn't knock anyone over, i'm sure, but i was satisfied given the minimal amount of prep time i did. did a monologue from midsummer and "stars" from les mis. had a couple of former cast members in my time slot - amy from sharonville's midsummer (wall) and elliott from chess (arbiter). good to have a couple of familiar faces to take the edge off. ted was there too, representing falcon, which helped. won't be getting any leads, but they might remember me if they need some character role or chorus help, which is all i really have time for right now anyway.

spent time friday night downloading music from emusic (yes, i gave in and rejoined). here's what i got:

erin mckeown - sing you sinners
the hold steady - almost killed me
rosie thomas - these friends of mine
soundtrack featuring jay farrar - the slaughter rule
various artists - a testimonial dinner: the songs of XTC
richard cheese - 18 random songs off his cds

want to load the songs onto my mp3 player, but i'm swiftly running out of room and need to do some pruning to get it all on. never thought i'd use up 40gb, but obviously i was wrong.

was hoping to use some time yesterday in the auditorium to finish up grading my research papers, but i actually had to do more than sit on my lazy butt this time. had to wire a couple of chandeliers for the ballet portion of the dance recital, which took much longer than i anticipated, partially because i didn't know what i was doing and partially because the chandeliers were out of balance and i had to improvise. but they seemed happy with them, which is all i care about i guess. at least i earned enough money yesterday to cover my airfare to vegas. or close to it anyway.

found out my neighbor vernon's wife has alzheimers. talked to him a bit before church this morning. i cannot imagine going through something like that, to watch someone deteriorate before your eyes, knowing your helpless to stop it. can't imagine how much it alters your life - he mentioned it several times, like having to turn off the kitchen breaker so she won't try and cook when he leaves. sad. another thing to add to my prayer list. need to see if i can help in any other way, too.

it's officially summer - i saw my first firefly tonight. made me smile.

enough for tonight. maybe more for tomorrow. i have nothing planned for memorial day, other than finishing the research papers so i can pass them back on tuesday. hopefully that won't take too long. probably will find somewhere to get a hot dog off the grill. seems appropriate. night!
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tunes: richard cheese - baby got back

i believe (incomplete)

i believe in the Apostles Creed,
though i prefer the language of the Nicene.
i believe God hides in every moment
if we look hard enough.
i believe grace beats karma every time.
i believe love has the power to transform our lives
and make of them far more than we can imagine.
i believe the need to figure it all out
pales in comparison to the mystery of faith and life.
i believe in coyotes and time as an abstract…
no, wait, that’s what michael stipe believes.
i believe we only know ourselves
when we have given ourselves to others.
i believe all art
– music, poetry, theatre, painting, writing, sculpture –
reflects our Creator.
i believe nothing i have belongs to me
but to Him who gives abundantly.
i believe we squander this gift of life given to us
if we cannot laugh at ourselves.
i believe chivalry and romance are not dead,
but may be heavily sedated.

Æ

question

is it morally justifiable to shoot a dog that shits in your yard with a paintball gun?

more importantly, is it legally justifiable?

just checking.

forgot to mention in my last post...it's official...i'm heading to las vegas at the end of july. couldn't think of a good reason not to, other than i hated it the first time. and that was sixteen years ago. and i'm a much different person now than i was then, for better or for worse. now i just have to make sure i budget enough money to make it truly enjoyable. won't do much gambling, but will need money to cover entertainment expenses - shows, food, travel, etc. already sounding a bit more expensive than i first thought, but shouldn't be too bad.

another one bites the dust...veronica breathed her last bit of banter last night. no grand finale, lots and lots of unanswered questions, but the final image was an appropriate one, especially given the shows noir leanings. farewell to veronica, keith, mac, wallace and to one of the smartest, hippest shows in the past decade. should have known it would never last. network tv is becoming a barren wasteland again. guess i'll have to hold on to my digital cable a bit longer...

pomegranates play tonight with chris garneau. will be going, even if i should really be staying home and grading. will do some before i leave tonight, but can't pass up the chance to see the band again. and i liked the song chris had on the paste sampler, so could be a great night for music. here's hoping they start and finish on time. otherwise, it could be late night number three this week.

later.
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tunes: old 97s - question (how's that for symmetry?)

coming down

come words, confound this lethargy within my head. shake out these thoughts so i may organize them into some semblance of coherent speech. break through this block and help the words to come.

ah well. thought it might help. no such luck.

on the natural downswing after the highs of the weekend. spent time with my friend kat. finished midsummer. saw morrissey. and now we crash. and i don't really have the time to. now is not the time for wallowing (is it ever?). too much to do. post-production blues are a luxury i cannot afford right now.

and still i can't get my head to clear.

midsummer ended well - two great performance, excellent crowds, who seemed to love what we did. going to be weird not to see the gang for a while after spending so much time with them. makes me anxious to do more. falcon's a great company - wonderfully collaborative, good people to work with, good chemistry. you don't always get that in community theatre, unfortunately. i won't miss the sweating, but will miss the jacket. here's hoping there's some good photos of it somewhere.

morrissey last night was amazing. kat's a huge moz head and was giddy for most of the day, lingering about the tour bus before the show hoping for a peek. after people watching and commenting on the oddness of midwestern morrissey fans, we made our way to the balcony and our seats. kat was amazed at the lack of anticipatory energy before the show started and the relative cool reception the opening act received. seemed par for the course in my concert going experience - the opening act is rarely why people are there. ran into a lot of the aspects of concerts that keep me going so often - too much coming and going, too little space to move around, too many people showing up after the show has already began. the concert started and the audience in the balcony, at least on our side, stayed seated. at first i joined them, not wanting to be the annoying guy "ruining" the show for those behind me. but then the broke into "panic" and i decided, screw it, default position at a concert should be standing and enjoying the music. they don't like it, they can stand themselves. so kat (who had no qualms about standing) and i stood for the next 90 minutes while morrissey crooned, backed by a kick-ass band. very impressive. his interaction with the audience seemed a little half-hearted, but the boy can still sing. exhausted, we waited around to see if he would sign stuff afterwards. no such luck, but we were close enough to realize doug was wrong when he said he had a big head. a great night.

lovely to have kat around for the weekend. she helped quite a bit to stem off the inevitable letdown i get after wrapping a show.

need to get busy finishing the research papers - independent novel projects come in tomorrow, which means TWO major assignments i'll have to get busy grading. these last three weeks are going to suck. but it will all get finished somehow - it always does.

i know i have lots more to write about, but i have to go catch up on some correspondence first. been horribly negligent. more later if i find the time and desire.
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tunes: friends of lizzy - if it's wrong

not tired

rain falls, breeze blows, perfect sleeping weather. so why am i in front of my computer screen just before midnight?

better here typing then lying under covers wishing for sleep.

talked tonight about silence and solitude and how important it was for our relationship with God, our identity and our love for our neighbors. and then we realized we hadn't practiced it in quite a while. so easy to let life take over, find our identity in what we do, our busyness instead of our relationship with our Father. jones claims our purpose on earth is "be still and know that i am God." and yet we find every excuse to fill every waking moment. i challenged us to simply find ten minutes this week to be silent. doesn't sound like much, but you have to start somewhere.

beginning to question the wisdom of posting my sonnet. maybe a public forum isn't the place for it. i know there's nothing wrong with it, but perhaps i should avoid the appearance of "evil." i don't know, i just found it amusing to write. and how often can you work pubescent into iambic pentameter?

gina's issued an ultimatum - i have to let her know by friday if i'll be going to vegas in july. leaning towards going - not like i'm doing anything else this summer. plus, i'll finally get to see the grand canyon - second time there, first time seeing it (see this post for details on earlier disappointments). and after a month of blood-letting, i'll need a break, right?

rest of the week at school should be easy - we're watching TKAM, which means i'll be spending my time trying to finish the research papers (which are absolutely horrible. lowest grades ever. i suck as a teacher), knowing TKAM essays come in thursday and independent novel projects next tuesday. hey, at least i have 19 days to get all this done (i'm trying to put a positive spin on our latelatelatelatelate release this year).

an era ended tonight - gilmore girls is finally through. good final episode - lots of stuff that made the show great, like snappy dialogue, quirky characters, cool music. they didn't tie up all the loose ends, which i appreciate because life rarely does. be sad not to see the girls on a regular basis, but at least now that the show is over, lauren will finally be free to marry me. or have me arrested for stalking her.

we learn the fate of veronica on thursday (thanks alison for giving me hope). from what i can glean from a quick google search, it will either be canceled, renewed or re-imagined. i'll be angry with the first choice, ecstatic with the second and wary of the third. but better the third than the first. if they do re-imagine it, we'll fast forward four years to where veronica is an agent for the fbi. no news on former cast members following, though hard to imagine veronica without keith around. and i would love to have mac around some more. just one more day to wait.

ok, guess i should try to sleep some tonight. hope it comes sooner than later.
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tunes: teenage fanclub - i don't want control of you

stürm und drang

note: i got bored during the vocab test on friday and began to reflect on how difficult it is to pay attention in school at this time of year, especially if you are a teenage boy. suddenly, this sonnet spilled out. imagine shakespeare as a horny teenageer and you'll get the idea.

stürm und drang

i wonder where to rest my wand’ring eye
as i peruse this fresh pubescent throng
such supple skin such coltish milk-white thighs
to linger long my conscience warns is wrong
but everywhere i look distraction waits
inflaming this strange feeling deep inside
she calls my name! i’m lost in dire straits
if i do stand my shame i cannot hide
oh cursed nature! why in heaven’s name
am i surrounded by temptation sweet
while secret dark desires I cannot tame
enfold my soul embarrassment complete
expecting thought from adolescent boys
is all for naught when hormones thought destroys
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there should be a law

no motorized yard work before 9:00AM. i actually would prefer before 10:00, but i'm willing to make concessions. makes me want to stick my speakers in my window and blast my hairband mix.

sorry, not much sleep last night.

for the curious, i've gotten over the review. as was pointed out, it's one guy and he was predisposed not to like the show. and my lack of mention tells me nothing of my performance - though my reaction tells me quite a bit about my own insecurities. but i suppose if i didn't care about my performance, i wouldn't be much of an actor.

rehearsal thursday was a bit subdued, but we kicked the heck out of it last night. some of the cast felt the audience was a bit unresponsive, but i didn't feel that at all. and everyone said they enjoyed it. susie came down from westerville to see the show and brought some of her youth group peeps with her. chris was there, too - good to see them both. great when friends come to see you. will have more tonight. which reminds me, i need to do some cleaning.

trying to decide if i should go see spiderman 3 today or not. there's a show at 12:30, which would put me home by 3:30 - plenty of time to grab a nap before i have to head down to the show. not in a huge hurry to see it - pretty sure i'm going to be disappointed since most of the negatives i've heard are my pet peeves about big budget movies. but i'd like to make the judgment for myself. of course, if i don't go, it means i could spend more time in my hammock - and it looks to be a perfect day for that.

been reading palahnuik's latest - rant. the main character reminds me of Grenouille from perfume - some similar oddities. i love chuck and his willingness to stare at the grotesque with a smirk. it's actually quite a horrible story - a man responsible for spreading a virulent form of rabies throughout the world - but it's told as an oral history, meaning you get the story from several viewpoints, some not trustworthy. i found it, remarkably, at the norwood library. good read so far, though i feel a bit guilty since i should be grading papers.

damn. i told myself i wouldn't think about that today.

been listening non-stop the last week to the the hold steady, especially their cd separation sunday, which i borrowed from kurt. great stuff and perfect for the onset of summer. they're performing at southgate monday night and i would love to go, but i get the sense my need to get grading done will outweigh my need to see them. ah well, my own fault for not being more diligent. but i've been a bit distracted, what with the play and all. not an excuse, but...ok, it is an excuse. and not even a good one.

looks like i'll be doing the OWP this summer - seems everything is paid for, which is really what i wanted. not thrilled about losing most of my summer to it, but everyone says it's cake, so hopefully it won't be too bad. and i get to write, so maybe i can shake some of these ideas out of my head finally.

still thinking about vegas. i toyed briefly with turning it into a road trip, but with gas prices the way they are, it would be much cheaper to fly - though certainly not as much fun. need to figure out when i have to decide so i don't drag this out too long. an analogy keeps coming to mind - i occasionally retry food i decided i didn't like, just to see if my tastes have changed. maybe i should do the same with vegas. i'm a much different person than i was at almost 21 and, so i hear, so is vegas. hmm. decisions, decisions.

enough. need to get ready for visitors.
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tunes: the hold steady - cattle and the creeping things

torn

the citybeat review is up:

http://www.citybeat.com/current/onstage3.shtml

and now i don't know how to feel. is it better to be mentioned in a bad review or not mentioned at all? he slammed the lovers, praised bottom and the mechanicals and completely ignored me. was i that bad that he couldn't even bring himself to be harsh? or was i that forgettable that he forgot to even mention me? or perhaps his editor read his review of my performance and decided it was too mean and it would be better to not say anything (ye olde thumper rule)? regardless, i'll have to wait a bit longer to get my first official review. i had hoped to at least get noticed. as it is, i gained less attention than the costumes. i suppose it's what i should have expected.

at least gina will be happy with the review, as it will vindicate her belief that we've bastardized the bard.

off to grading hell.
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tunes: old 97's - let the idiot speak

strangeness follows

something odd is in the air. everyone i talk to is having difficulty sleeping. teachers at school. students at school. becky and gina at housechurch tonight. and my battles with insomnia are well documented.

and my emotions have been a bit off this week, as evidenced by my previous posts. they're not wrong, per se, just shifted a bit. things that normally bother me aren't. things that normally slide under the radar are sending up bright flares. an odd week.

should be heading to bed, but alas, when i look for sleep, he is far in the distance, waving mockingly, letting me know he's there, but won't be anywhere near me soon. not necessarily complaining as i have the new palahnuik book to keep me company, which, surprisingly, i found at the norwood library yesterday. pretty much fits the mood of the week.

i'm trying not to be sad about losing two of my favorite tv shows this season - gilmore girls and veronica mars. my tuesdays will certainly be much freer. gilmore probably needs to end before it completely jumps the shark - though the past two episodes have rocked. and veronica is only dying because of those damn pussycat dolls - why spend money on a well-written, well-acted show that no one watches when you can do a lame reality show that the american public eats up.

gosh, i hate the masses sometimes.

written earlier today, while i let my students journal outside in the beautiful weather....

we're outside today for class because...well, i really didn't have a reason other than it's a beautiful day outside and i wanted to be in the sun. plus, i find it helps to break up the routine whenever i can. i suppose if challenged i could find a way to tie it into mockingbird. we are talking about tom robinson's death and we are near a fence - but i doubt i'll be asked.

sounds like i'll have quite the crowd saturday night at the play. steve, brent and his mystery guest, gina and joyce, mom and dad, students, susie - nearly half the capacity (ok, so i exaggerate). hopefully they'll all get tickets. doubt it will be a problem. wonderful to not have rehearsal last night - not that i was in anyway productive, but good to have a night free.

addendum: might be even more people there on saturday. guess i should carve out some time to, oh, i don't know, clean the house. and then kat is coming in the next week to get her moz on. you'd think i had a social life or something.

we'll not talk about all the grading i have to finish, ok? i'd rather not send myself into a spiral of panic.

gina's trying to get me to go to vegas in july with some of her coworkers. i've been resistant to the idea, mostly because my first (and only) experience there was painful. and depressing. and i have no idea what i'm doing this summer, since sharonville is no more (sniff). guess it will come down to deciding if i want to spend the money. and i think i'd feel a bit guilty, since most likely i won't be able to make guatemala work and then to head off to the land of debauchery....wrong, right? ah these pesky moral dilemmas i work myself into.

little response to my offer for free music. only a haiku from ang so far (in an incredibly cool card, but still). seriously, you don't know what you're missing.

was hoping putting words to the screen would make me sleepy. only served to jumpstart my brain. guess i'll have to rely on chuck to break me out of this - or draw me so deep inside i don't notice or care anymore.
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tunes: frank and bono - i've got you under my skin