i was never much good at goodbye

this isn't going to be easy.

been doing some soul searching lately and i've realized i spend entirely too much time in this virtual world. blogs. e-mail. the internet. on a recent survey i took online, they asked how much time you spent on the internet. and my answer was more than i do anything else - more than tv, more than movies, more than doing things with 3-D friends.

time for that to change.

so this will be my last blog post. i'm shutting it all down. it'll still be here, but i'm going to move on. become a social creature. i realize i may lose some of you, my virtual friends. but really, can we call ourselves friends if we've never met? rarely met? i think we try and convince ourselves its real because the other option is we're only fooling ourselves. we're filling our lives with these virtual friendships to fill the true void in our lives - our lack of true relationship. if the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, then the second was convincing us this virtual world is as meaningful as the real world.

time for me to start living in the real world.

so this, my birthday, becomes my re-birthday too. no more blogs. no more e-mail. no more internet. and there will be significant changes in my real world life as well - no use filling my time with more meaningless things. so no more life-sucking distractions like movies. or tv. or books. or music. i have better things i should be spending my money on. and in view of eternity, these take from me the most precious commodity i have in life - time. i dare not squander what God has given me.

speaking of God, He's also shown me that i've been living a lie all these years. if i believe He is in control, then i must believe that He in charge of everything, including politics. God chose bush to be president and is using him to accomplish His purposes. we cannot question what bush does, because to do so is to question God's wisdom, to question the very existence of God. as the psalmist reminds us, "the fool in his heart says their is no God." and i'm no fool.

so farewell, virtual world. i'll be praying you discover the truth soon.
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Tunes: def leppard - foolin'

like sands through the hourglass

thursday? already? geesh. so much for this week.

busy. that's what i've been. first night in a while i haven't had plans. probably last night for a while, too. i look at my schedule and i think to myself, "self, are you trying to give yourself a nervous breakdown?" of course, self is too busy to notice. here's the next several days....

friday - gathering meeting after school. chess rehearsal
saturday - singing for the chess tournament. babysitting the indian new year. palmer's wake. and oh yeah, my birthday.
sunday - gathering. dinner with the family. chess rehearsal. dinner with the bruesewitzes.
monday - tutoring. babysitting the mason community players
tuesday - more babysitting the mason community players
wednesday - chess rehearsal
thursday - film club. parent teacher conferences.

i'm already exhausted.

woke up way on the early side of dawn this morning with an idea for class today, so got out of bed before my alarm and trekked on up to school to put it all together. good thing i did - my administrator came in today for what i hope and pray is my final observation. went well - students were actively involved in learning with little more than facilitation by me (which is the way i like it). took a bit of work on my part, but hopefully it will be helpful. we'll see. post obs is tomorrow and i'll get my summative. the best thing about the hell i went through last year is this year i look all new and improved. maybe i am, though i don't feel i've changed that much.

house church tuesday was lovely - many gathered, lots of prayer, good time just being in the presence of God and each other. some friends of the nixon's were in town and joined us - they brought music with them, greatly needed. and something we've (well, i've) been missing lately. need to see about changing that. will miss being there tuesday, but mammon and an overdeveloped sense of obligation calls.

from the you should always check your spam folder file: remember how i mentioned the contacts out of the blue? well, strangely enough, a friend from high school happened to run across my blog and e-mailed me. found the message in my spam folder. fun. haven't spoken to her in....well, let's just say a long, long time. man, do i love the internet sometimes. ok, most of the time.

currently reading memoirs of a geisha and am completely enraptured. wish i had read the book before seeing the movie, but too late for complaining now. the movie wasn't bad, but i wonder what the pictures in my head would have been like without ziyi zhang and michelle yeoh already there (not that i'm complaining, mind you....). i'm a book first-movie second kind of guy.

slowly running out of steam. and anything resembling meaning. off to read before my name is earl comes on. love me that intelligent redneck humor.
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farewell again

rest in peace, mark palmer

i only met mark once, last fall when we gathered to pray for him. but the love shown there, the sense of God's presence, was overwhelming. man of God gets thrown around pretty casually nowadays. but from meeting mark and reading his story, even if only the final chapter, i know that he embodied that phrase. i rejoice he is with the Father now - i weep and mourn with those who remain here. pray for amy and micah, surround them with love and comfort.

yet another reminder that so little of this world makes any sense.

april is creeping up on me and i am unprepared. mom called yesterday to talk about birthday plans and i realized i haven't given it any thought. i'm singing at paul brown stadium (home of the *snicker* afc north champion cincinnati bengals) saturday morning for a chess tournament (insert your own joke here). they needed a bass and since the other one in the show is in boston....i might also work the auditorium in the late afternoon (3-7) - jack says it's a cushy job, less than four hours, though i'll get paid for the whole time regardless. tempting. and it will keep me semi-occupied so i don't end up sitting home alone, which at this point is my plan. but then the week is still young (unlike me...).

think i'll go to bed early tonight. cold from friday is still lingering in the shadows, rearing its ugly head occasionally, usually as i'm trying to fall asleep or if i've been sitting too long - kind of like right now. breathe a prayer tonight. tell someone you love them. make sure they know.

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying , soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen
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another day...

...another six hours earning far too much for far too little.

one more hour left before byron comes in to relieve me. quiet morning - was a bit concerned i wouldn't get all the lights on (been a while since i had to run the remote board), but being the supragenius that i am, i figured it out before anyone got here. only one issue - seems we can't turn off the air in the auditorium and it's a bit chilly onstage, mostly because the dancers are wearing less than the emperor in his new clothes and they have about .0000045% body fat. and you know, i know it goes with the territory, but it's still a bit on the freaky side to see 7-11-year-olds wearing more makeup than ronald mcdonald. jon benet anyone?

disturbing discovery today at my local speedway - they installed a frozen pepsi machine. before i had to drive a bit to get one, but now i could walk to it. this does not bode well for me, though it might actually get me a little exercise, walking for an icee/slurpee rip off. the first one wasn't quite mixed right - here's hoping it improves as time goes by.

burning the midnight oil i finished off jPod last night. i enjoyed it, but it was missing something - no "coupland moment"™ i wasn't ever shocked out of reading by a moment when coupland wrote something i had to stop and think about. maybe i just read it too fast. maybe he's moved beyond that. maybe i've moved beyond that. who knows. i'll try to gather my thoughts for an actual review.

rehearsal today - we start act ii. in the continuing oddness of my role in chess, i am one of six actors asked to dress nicely for a full body shot - think we're going to stage the "chess match" for publicity photos. weird weird weird weird weird. looking forward to moving into act ii - i have a bit more to do in this one. was hoping the cast would go out after friday's rehearsal, but everyone took off, so i just went home. i'm trying to make connections, but not succeeding so far. again, not them, just me. of course friday i was sucked into jPod, so i'm sure i came across as less than social (big surprise, eh?).

so in the last couple weeks i've tried to reconnect with some friends i haven't heard from in a while. always a bit odd to come thundering out of the digital blue with an e-mail. worked in one case - going to finally hook up with my friend steve from high school - we have dinner plans next weekend. but the others i've had no response to. now maybe their e-mail has changed and they don't check it very often. but, being the paranoid narcissist i am, i begin to wonder if i've done something to make them not want to be in touch with me. i...must...be...liked.... and if they don't respond, do i make another attempt? or do i take it as a sign they are over me/beyond me/freaked out by me? hmmm.

isn't navel gazing fun?

if you're thinking of trying papa john's new pan pizza....DON'T! bleah. worst. pizza. ever. didn't even finish it. and then i was sick all night long. even wrote the company to express my displeasure - someone has to let them know their new product SUCKS.

such pettiness on the sabbath.

i hope the gathering™ went well this morning. first one i've missed since we started it back in january. i missed being there. and i missed hearing mike helm lead worship - heard so much about him, would have been good to experience it. some other time, i hope. hopefully eric recorded it so i can at least hear it.

i think this is sufficient rambling for now. may be back later tonight - strangely enough i'm completely free from 5:00 on. maybe a trip to the comet is in order....
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