dilemmas

i'm not in my normal hallway fortress of solitude - instead i'm sitting in the dressing room with everyone else. which i supposed is a bit of bad form, writing while people are being social.

i spent a lot of money today - more than i like to. yesterday, one of the guys working on my neighbors roof stopped me as i got my mail and said while they were up on their ladders, they noticed my gutters were clogged with leaves. he offered to clear them out for $60. since i own no ladder and i hate cleaning them, i said sure. so they came over this morning. sometimes you spend money to save yourself time and frustration. then i mailed a package, which set me back another $10. dinner, $10. gas, $35. post-show revelry, $15. spending money like you have it - priceless.

saw atonement this afternoon. three down, two to go. it was good, but like most of the oscar films i've seen, it left me wanting a bit. pacing was a bit slow, especially the war section. loved the long tracking shot on the beach and thought the music was fantastic. i liked the incorporation of the typewriter as a rhythmic element. it's my pick for best picture of the three i've seen. it won't win. no country has that wrapped up. but i personally liked atonement better. still want to see michael clayton. i think it hits dvd this week, so maybe i'll try it that way. and the cast tells me i should see see there will be blood. so maybe i will. only one week left. better get a move on.

am trying to decide if i can take a second sabbath tomorrow and just spend monday working. we'll see. maybe i can pull together my OGT stuff tomorrow and grade all day monday. so much for a three day weekend.

things that thrill my soul: found out there's a moe's at the levee. much closer than mason. went there tonight before ths how, which may turn out to be a bad idea. feeling a bit bloated at the moment.

i thought about going to the human trafficking gathering - how to stop it, not how to participate in in it. but decided, selfishly probably, that i didn't want to spend my saturday that way. and i wonder if i should care more than i do. and i despair of what i could do to help, which i know is no way to view a problem, turning a blind eye. which obviously i'm beating myself up over, yet i don't know why other than my penchant for guilt and martyrdom.

i think the abyss from yesterday still lingers.

time to get my habit on. i might have people in the audience tonight - be the first ones. guess i'll stayin in costume tonight instead of changing immediately, in case there are pictures to be taken. mustn't keep my public waiting...Æ

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Now playing: The Urban Hillbilly Quartet - Nightmares
via FoxyTunes

the scottish play

so right before the show our illustrious director and billy in the show spoke the most terrifying word an actor can hear backstage. yep, he referenced the scottish play. i know many of you are unbelievers, mockers even of such a superstition. but let me demonstrate why it is verboten anywhere near a stage.

• bunny's earring broke and fell off - no problems previously
• lines were dropped that had never been dropped before
• music fell off the piano and scattered about
• our bananas got confused, thought we were at the end of the scene instead of in the middle and completely missed an entrance
• bunny forgot to bring her purse and keys onto the stage ,which made it very difficult for her to give the little nun her keys
• worst of all, we had the deadest. audience. ever. so quiet you could hear the flopsweat dripping from our brows

so thanks ted. thanks a lot. of course, perhaps it can't all be blamed on the invocation of the scottish play. the day seemed off from the time my alarm went off this morning. i hit the snooze the max five times, then reset the alarm to get ten more minutes of sleep. took my shower and still wanted to go back to bed. got to school and wanted to go back home, even though it was a short friday. even free folksong friday failed to fill my feelings with fullness of life. an inexplicable sadness filled me all day. didn't help that i struggled with my fasting today for the first time. i seriously entertained cheating. but i held fast (pun intended).

time for curtain call. more later, perhaps, after the revelry.

(later) or not.
Æ

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Now playing: Jake Speed - Ben Franklin Screwed Me Over Again
via FoxyTunes

cheating

i have no thoughts of mine own for today. so i share this that i found.
Æ

A Prayer For Valentine's Day
from Out of the Ordinary by Joyce Rupp

Praise to the One whose love stirs the ancient embers
sparks the breath of prayer

Praise to the One whose love entices the wandering
beckons the confused

Praise to the One whose love grows wings on the weary
dreams hope in the discouraged

Praise to the One whose love soothes with the ointment of mercy
transforms with the touch of compassion

Praise to the One whose love threads the energy of friendship
stitches the strength of fidelity

Praise to the One whose love tickles the soul with laughter
urges the heart toward joy

Praise to the one whose love embraces the untamed
dances with the passionate

All praise to this Gracious One
All gratitude to this Beloved
All love to this Mentor of Friendship
All devotion to this Shaper of Hearts.

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Now playing: Old 97's - Valentine
via FoxyTunes

lost, now found

so i found this a while ago, but hadn't updated my blog. so for those who didn't know, my good friend brian has a great blog that was stolen from him. he has found a way back.

http://therealbigrockcandymountain.blogspot.com/

it's over there on the right for future reference. glad to have him back.

saturday night after the play, the cast went out to the york street cafe for some post-show revelry. while there, discussions turned to religion, specifically the craziness of the creation museum and the small-mindedness of those who believe the Bible to be true. i listened to their conversation, hearing their arguments and realizing the church has done a horrible job of presenting itself to many people. they brought up the great spaghetti monster, declaring it a brilliant argument against religion in general. now i have to admit, i find the great spaghetti monster amusing and it does point to some of the ridiculousness preached in the name of God. but it also points to a deeper question, one i ran across again last night in my nightly buechner reading: "what's so good about religion anyway?" buechner talks about the question this way:

...I found myself speechless. I felt surely there must be something good about it. Why else was I there? But for the moment I couldn't for the life of me think what it was. Maybe the truth of it is that religion the way he means it - a system of belief, a technique of worship, an institution - doesn't really have all that much about it that is good when you come right down to it, and perhaps my speechlessness in a way acknowledged as much.

Unless you become like a child, Jesus said, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven, and maybe part of what that means is that in the long run what is good about religion is playing the way a child plays at being grown up until h finds that being grown up is just another way of playing and thereby starts to grow up himself. Maybe what is good about religion is playing that the Kingdom will come, until - in the joy of your playing, the hope and rhythm and comradeship and poignance and mystery of it - you start to see that the playing is itself the first-fruits of the Kingdom's coming and of God's presence within us and among us.

i think sometimes it's hard to talk about faith with my friends who don't believe because they have valid points. religion does sometimes seem to cause more harm than good. wars, division, intolerance, self-righteousness, small-mindedness. hard to argue against those things that are often done in the name of religion. but they miss out on the joy that can be there when you find yourself "playing," pretending you are something that you wish you were and then eventually, hopefully, discovering you've become just that.

Father, help those of us playing to be better at presenting the joy and hope you offer. help us to experience that joy and hope ourselves.
Æ

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Now playing: Bruce Cockburn - The Whole Night Sky
via FoxyTunes

the final hour

fasting from sunrise to sunset is most difficult when you don't have anything to do, when you don't fill your time with enough activity to keep your mind off the fact that you haven't eaten in 22 hours.

that's where i am right now.

God smiled on us today and brought just enough nasty weather mason's way to keep us from school. i knew last night going to bed that i had a two hour delay, so i got to sleep in until 6:30 and just as i was pulling on my clothes, the phone rang and the news that they had canceled school rang loud and clear. so i through on some jeans and a sweatshirt and headed to morning prayers. spent the day catching up on stuff i've been putting off. relaxed a little. but as great as it was to be off school, it was a tough one fasting-wise. very aware of my desire for food. found myself several times today praying, which is the point, of course.

everyone in house church is sick, so we'll not be meeting tonight. been struggling lately with my role as leader - truth is, i feel i mostly suck. and i wonder if we wouldn't be better off without me leading. if one of my roles is to help set the vision for the church, i'm not sure i've done much to help with that. the vision i had has not come to fruition. and i know there's been a lot going on in our lives and i realize ultimately it is God's hands, but i can't help but feel like i'm hindering - not so much because of what i'm doing, but more what i'm not doing. and i'm not sure if the rest of the group is feeling that or not. probably something we should talk about.

my head is all wonky from lack of food. not a good idea to blog right now.

these lyrics just ran through my itunes:

tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord

always have loved that song.

40 more minutes. think i'm going to find something other than this to occupy my time. might blog later. who knows. not me.
Æ

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Now playing: Sixpence None The Richer - Tension Is A Passing Note
via FoxyTunes

at last

went this afternoon over to cinema de lux (after calling first to make sure their imax projector wasn't broken again) to finally catch U23D. it was me, sam from school and a couple of ladies who were there to avoid the winter storm that is supposed to be moving into the area (can't say i'm terribly confident it will actually make it here). the small crowd didn't matter - i wasn't there for the crowd. the film was what i knew it would be - U2 writ large. the 3D effects were cool, but not overused and really did give the sense of being right there at times. for me, though, the best part was the sound. this is how i wish i could listen to U2 all the time - crystal clear, loud but not overbearing. reminded me of the sheer power of their music, the sonic wall they are able to create with their four members (and a little boost from technology). my biggest complaint was it was too short - so many songs i would have loved to have heard in that format. but i was happy with what they gave us. having the vertigo dvd, i can't say it's my favorite way tour - too much preaching for my tastes. but this distilled U2 to the moment and it captured them well. i'll probably see it at least one more time, if only to see how it plays in a pure digital environment.

did a little filming today - students asked me to be part of their film submission for the mason film festival. their film is about what super heroes do after they're done being heroes. i played thor, of course, which would have been much more impressive if i still had my beard. still, i think it went well. we'll see how the whole thing turns out in two and a half weeks. should be fun.

at the same time conrad, one of the film club leaders, came in and was putting together a video about the american dream and interviewed me - in my thor costume. very strange to be in costume answering the questions. my answers came off the top of my head and i kind of wish i'd had time to prepare. the more i think about it, the more i believe the american dream, at least how it is presented, is more nightmare than dream. it's all about the individual and the attainment of things, something i think is a dangerous idea to chase. not sure my answers came off that way, though. guess we'll see when he cuts it all together. funny moment: they asked if i thought the sixties changed the american dream, with me sitting there in a long, hippie wig. i twirled my fake hair before giving an answer. i hope it makes it into the final cut.

so turns out the other tournament academic team could enter coincides with an SAT test date - and our best player ray is taking the test that day. so we're left trying to decide whether we should try it. the thought is the competition won't be too bad since the really good teams have already qualified. was going to talk to mark about it today, but i got caught up in the filming stuff and we didn't get to sit down. at the very least we need to sit down and figure out what we want to do for the end of the year banquet. i think we should take part in the blazing challenge at bw3s, but we'll see what everyone else thinks.

*phone*

it's an hour later - my friend candice called and since we hadn't talked in three weeks, we had a lot to catch up on. need to be heading to bed. g'night.
Æ

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Now playing: The Pogues - A Pair Of Brown Eyes
via FoxyTunes

meet gilbert

seems when i was in kc last month for a visit, i left behind a friend of mine. and now he is writing a blog of his own:

http://www.theadventuresofhat.blogspot.com/

looks like after a rough start, he's getting along well out there. and already his blog is more interesting than mine - it's even got pictures!

enjoy his story.

just finished watching network - tmc is running oscar-winning films during february, so i've been filling some of the holes in my movie history. i really enjoyed network and am again flabbergasted that it lost out to rocky. this 32-year-old film seems like it could have been written yesterday. if anything, television is worse now than it was then, which is a frightening thought. great performances all around, exquisite direction, thought provoking, self-aware...everything a great film should be. made me want to throw open my window and shout "i'm as mad as hell and i'm not going to take it any more!"

but that would just be silly.

to bed must i be. morning will come far too early as always. another day spent in the lab. my poor students. and yet so many will still say they didn't have enough time to finish their paper. at least i know that going in...
Æ

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Now playing: Cake - Mahna, Mahna
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