so it's my wedding weekend and the wedding party has gathered on the shore of some lake, obviously along the canadian border since we keep making jokes about canada being far too close on the other side of the lake. a large canopied tent is set up, similar to what you see at an outdoor concert, complete with a stage and sound system. we have just finished the actual rehearsal part of the dinner and are gathering to go and have dinner. i am surrounded by my house church, most of whom are part of the wedding party or officiating at the wedding. my bride is....amorphous, changing from one scene to the next. the whole affair has a thrown together feel to it, like this is spur of the moment, unorganized. as we begin to head to the dinner, a sense of uneasiness settles in. i feel this is all moving much too quickly, that i'm not ready for this, that too much is not right. we get to where the dinner is to be held, which from all appearances seems to be the lounge of some bowling alley, complete with orange booths and greasy food. i look around at those gathered and realize so many people are missing, which only adds to my anxiety. the members of my house church seem somewhat oblivious to how i am feeling, going on about how wonderful it all will be, how excited they are to be a part. my future wife is no where to be seen.
cut to the next day, my wedding day, and my trepidation has reached new heights. i know what i have to do - i have to call it off, i can't do this. but i know how disappointed everyone will be and i'm afraid of the repercussions, so i hesitate saying anything, especially since guests have started to arrive. but nothing is right - the person presiding isn't ordained, my parents haven't been invited and, for a brief moment, it appears my future bride is my sister (but only for that brief moment). so i am trying to talk to someone who will help push me in the right direction, but everyone's too involved in preparing for the ceremony to listen. and though i know everyone will be upset and my poor bride (whoever she is) will be devastated, i know i can't do this. so i begin to walk away....
....and at that moment i woke up.
lovely way to start a saturday.
Æ
Tunes: charlie peacock - lie down in the grass
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
things that make you lose your faith
just returned from watching the da vinci code. pretty much what i anticipated - the movie managed to mangle a cinematic book and make it into an uninvolving movie. it's not a bad movie, but certainly not worth all the hype. as for all the naysayers and boycotters out there - sorry guys, this movie isn't worth your effort. this movie (and the book, for that matter) is not heretical and is not a danger to true faith. one, for the obvious-impaired - it's fiction. plain and simple. an interesting idea and a well-structured story, but still - not true. seriously, if this movie makes you question your faith, then your faith wasn't much to begin with. condescending? perhaps. but honestly, there's nothing there. the claims of the story are ridiculous and laughable with little basis in reality. the fact that so many have latched onto this idea as viable proves to me the church has screwed up. if people are more willing to believe this than what the church presents as the message of Christ, we're doing it wrong.
met some of the chess cast for the evening. good to see them again, and catch up ever so briefly. had intended to stick around afterwards, see if people wanted to go talk or whatever, but somehow i got separated and the next thing i knew i was in lorelai heading back to the grotto, after a brief stop at udf for some ice cream. mmmm....ice cream. i stuck around to watch the credits, so i missed a lot of what people thought of the movie - hopefully some of them will post to their blogs so i can catch up. thought about calling when i got home (i had no one's number in my phone, natch), but now that i'm here, it's probably best i just stay here. i was off my game tonight - my attempts at being social felt forced. i'm going to blame it on (the rain) the end of a long school week.
one more full week left. glorious.
the da vinci code might not cause me to lose my faith, but i got news this week that might. found out a friend of mine, a pastor, just turned in his credentials after being caught having an extramarital affair. no asking for forgiveness, no working things out with his wife, just that's enough for me, you can't hold me responsible, i'm going to go do my own thing. granted, that's how it appears and i don't know the whole story or what was involved and my prayer is this a temporary shutting himself off so he can figure things out.
i'm at a great disadvantage here. i have a difficult time wrapping my head around infidelity. lack of experience in any kind of serious relationship contributes to this - i mean, i've spent the majority of my adolescent/post-adolescent life in search of someone to share my life with, so it's hard for me to understand how someone, once they've found that, can simply walk away. or chase someone else. me, i hear someone's just dating someone else and the door slams shut and i know there's no use trying to reopen it. yes, i realize i'm abnormal. but it's hard to compare who has the greenest grass when all you want is a yard to call your own.
this happens way too often to those in ministry. i understand intellectually - as pastor, they are often put in positions of trust and it's easy for that relationship to slip, to have intentions misunderstood, to have divine love become confused with romantic love. but i don't buy the argument this is beyond our control - we still have free will, we are not slaves to our passions, we don't have to follow every impulse. somehow we've gotten it into our heads that if i feel it, it must be right. we scoff at the concept of denying ourselves anything - sex, possessions, double-dip ice cream cones.... we must have it all. we must have it now. it's what we were created for. it's what God would want.
again, how have we twisted God's message so much?
and trust me, this first stone in my hand is aimed right at my own head. i fall into this trap easily myself. and just because i'm not in a position to be unfaithful doesn't mean i too don't deny myself in other, less titilating ways.
long weekend - wwg meeting tomorrow morning (how do i always end up on committees with morning people?), then lc tomorrow afternoon, then off to see richie iii. worship sunday morning, then i'm working the auditorium for the mason community band sunday night, which i hope allows me time to get some grading done. ideally i'd like to be done with all my research papers by monday, but i get the sense that may not happen. i'll have to sit down and count how may there are to get done - i know it's bad, but i kind of hope some of them decided it wasn't worth the time - saves me time grading.
did i mention there are only eight more days with students left?
weird moment tonight - seems i left a poem of some sort in the copy of the da vinci code i borrowed from matt. not a big deal, except i have no idea what it was. no idea what it might say or what i might have been hoping to write about. there are so many bits of paper with fragments of ideas on them - who knows which one ended up in the book. hopefully nothing embarrassing....
well past the witching hour. i suppose i should start heading to bed. finished the book i was reading - perfume by suskind. well told tale, and grenouille is a fascinating character. and the idea of an olfactory genius plays out well in the novel. recommended. not sure what i'll move on to next. promised myself i would read don quixote finally this summer, but won't start that just yet. guess i could start reading over midsummers in preparation for the audition in a couple of weeks. forgot to check with allen to see how important call backs are - i have jesse's wedding that day up in lansing and i'd have to miss them. think i'm going to shoot for bottom, but i'll be happy just to be doing another show...
and now my left contact is trying desperately to jump out of my eye, so i should go. night.
Æ
Tunes: tori amos - smells like teen spirit
met some of the chess cast for the evening. good to see them again, and catch up ever so briefly. had intended to stick around afterwards, see if people wanted to go talk or whatever, but somehow i got separated and the next thing i knew i was in lorelai heading back to the grotto, after a brief stop at udf for some ice cream. mmmm....ice cream. i stuck around to watch the credits, so i missed a lot of what people thought of the movie - hopefully some of them will post to their blogs so i can catch up. thought about calling when i got home (i had no one's number in my phone, natch), but now that i'm here, it's probably best i just stay here. i was off my game tonight - my attempts at being social felt forced. i'm going to blame it on (the rain) the end of a long school week.
one more full week left. glorious.
the da vinci code might not cause me to lose my faith, but i got news this week that might. found out a friend of mine, a pastor, just turned in his credentials after being caught having an extramarital affair. no asking for forgiveness, no working things out with his wife, just that's enough for me, you can't hold me responsible, i'm going to go do my own thing. granted, that's how it appears and i don't know the whole story or what was involved and my prayer is this a temporary shutting himself off so he can figure things out.
i'm at a great disadvantage here. i have a difficult time wrapping my head around infidelity. lack of experience in any kind of serious relationship contributes to this - i mean, i've spent the majority of my adolescent/post-adolescent life in search of someone to share my life with, so it's hard for me to understand how someone, once they've found that, can simply walk away. or chase someone else. me, i hear someone's just dating someone else and the door slams shut and i know there's no use trying to reopen it. yes, i realize i'm abnormal. but it's hard to compare who has the greenest grass when all you want is a yard to call your own.
this happens way too often to those in ministry. i understand intellectually - as pastor, they are often put in positions of trust and it's easy for that relationship to slip, to have intentions misunderstood, to have divine love become confused with romantic love. but i don't buy the argument this is beyond our control - we still have free will, we are not slaves to our passions, we don't have to follow every impulse. somehow we've gotten it into our heads that if i feel it, it must be right. we scoff at the concept of denying ourselves anything - sex, possessions, double-dip ice cream cones.... we must have it all. we must have it now. it's what we were created for. it's what God would want.
again, how have we twisted God's message so much?
and trust me, this first stone in my hand is aimed right at my own head. i fall into this trap easily myself. and just because i'm not in a position to be unfaithful doesn't mean i too don't deny myself in other, less titilating ways.
long weekend - wwg meeting tomorrow morning (how do i always end up on committees with morning people?), then lc tomorrow afternoon, then off to see richie iii. worship sunday morning, then i'm working the auditorium for the mason community band sunday night, which i hope allows me time to get some grading done. ideally i'd like to be done with all my research papers by monday, but i get the sense that may not happen. i'll have to sit down and count how may there are to get done - i know it's bad, but i kind of hope some of them decided it wasn't worth the time - saves me time grading.
did i mention there are only eight more days with students left?
weird moment tonight - seems i left a poem of some sort in the copy of the da vinci code i borrowed from matt. not a big deal, except i have no idea what it was. no idea what it might say or what i might have been hoping to write about. there are so many bits of paper with fragments of ideas on them - who knows which one ended up in the book. hopefully nothing embarrassing....
well past the witching hour. i suppose i should start heading to bed. finished the book i was reading - perfume by suskind. well told tale, and grenouille is a fascinating character. and the idea of an olfactory genius plays out well in the novel. recommended. not sure what i'll move on to next. promised myself i would read don quixote finally this summer, but won't start that just yet. guess i could start reading over midsummers in preparation for the audition in a couple of weeks. forgot to check with allen to see how important call backs are - i have jesse's wedding that day up in lansing and i'd have to miss them. think i'm going to shoot for bottom, but i'll be happy just to be doing another show...
and now my left contact is trying desperately to jump out of my eye, so i should go. night.
Æ
Tunes: tori amos - smells like teen spirit
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
because not everyone reads comments
from my friend anne, left at my livejournal mirror site (or is this site the mirror...)
No two shows are alike in the making.
Each show is living a piece of your life
in a small unreal world with its own character
and integrity; its own set of memorable experiences
and incredible happenings.
You begin to love and adapt to its strangeness.
Dreams harden into focus. You wish it would never end.
But the show does end. The dream world vanishes
like mist before a rising sun;
part of you vanishes with it.
And back you land in the real world with a thud--
uneasy, jittery, difficult to get along with.
There is only one cure.
A new show. A new, small unreal world;
new visions, experiences, incredible happenings.
Again you love it, adapt to it, wish it would never end.
But end it does. Another part of you vanishes.
That is the theatre!
wm. to annie, 1991<<
annie to tea, 2006
Tunes: archers of loaf - web in front
No two shows are alike in the making.
Each show is living a piece of your life
in a small unreal world with its own character
and integrity; its own set of memorable experiences
and incredible happenings.
You begin to love and adapt to its strangeness.
Dreams harden into focus. You wish it would never end.
But the show does end. The dream world vanishes
like mist before a rising sun;
part of you vanishes with it.
And back you land in the real world with a thud--
uneasy, jittery, difficult to get along with.
There is only one cure.
A new show. A new, small unreal world;
new visions, experiences, incredible happenings.
Again you love it, adapt to it, wish it would never end.
But end it does. Another part of you vanishes.
That is the theatre!
wm. to annie, 1991<<
annie to tea, 2006
Tunes: archers of loaf - web in front
Monday, May 15, 2006
grading therapy
no, i don't mean i need therapy because of the grading i have to do. i mean the therapeutic power of grading. the sense of accomplishment that comes when you finally get a class done. the (cliche alert! cliche alert!) light at the end of the tunnel now that half of them are graded. the ability grading has to take your mind off the fact that another huge project is coming in tomorrow - and the fact that you've felt out of sorts all day.
but i don't want to talk about that. yet.
was pondering my recent adventures in the theatre world and looking at my life and thinking how much my decision to leave full-time youth ministry has helped me to become more me, more in touch with my passions and, thereby, more in touch with God. don't get me wrong - i loved doing youth ministry. and i definitely miss certain aspects of it (especially the no grading/no getting up early aspects). but in the process i lost part of who i was. i look back and am amazed i was able to go so long without doing theatre. oh sure, i helped with church drama stuff, sketches and the like, but it's not the same. and i'm amazed how i lost touch with the poet inside during that time as well. glad it's back (though school and grading threatens to squeeze it out too).
all that to say, i feel more confident now that i am journeying in the right direction, that the choices and decisions i made what, seven years ago now, were the right ones. i am where i am supposed to be (ok, why did "where i want to be" just start running through my head? damn you chess!).
speaking of chess (really, some day soon it will fade into the past and you won't have to hear about it anymore. well, maybe not soon...), looks like some of us will be getting together friday night for drinks and to see the da vinci code. here's hoping it's worth the $10. at least the company will be good. will be interested to talk about it afterwards, which, knowing this group, should definitely happen. i'm not expecting much, other than to enjoy watching audrey tatou on the big screen. and to keep myself from openly scoffing at some of the glaring errors in the story. but i'll be good, i promise.
today marked the end of my experience with whiz kids, the tutoring program at allison elementary. we had a time of sharing and snacks with the kids. i'm going to miss jordan, though there's the possibility that we'll be able to make contact over the summer through the next step (a "mentoring" program that sounds like big brothers/big sisters). i'm not sure i did much to help his reading and writing issues - he does have a long way to go. but maybe some kind of seed has been planted which will grow into something later on.
ok, 11:00 now. time to get to sleep. long day of independent novel presentations tomorrow. here's hoping they go well. and that they're fun for both me and the students.
night!
Æ
Tunes: queen - hammer to fall
but i don't want to talk about that. yet.
was pondering my recent adventures in the theatre world and looking at my life and thinking how much my decision to leave full-time youth ministry has helped me to become more me, more in touch with my passions and, thereby, more in touch with God. don't get me wrong - i loved doing youth ministry. and i definitely miss certain aspects of it (especially the no grading/no getting up early aspects). but in the process i lost part of who i was. i look back and am amazed i was able to go so long without doing theatre. oh sure, i helped with church drama stuff, sketches and the like, but it's not the same. and i'm amazed how i lost touch with the poet inside during that time as well. glad it's back (though school and grading threatens to squeeze it out too).
all that to say, i feel more confident now that i am journeying in the right direction, that the choices and decisions i made what, seven years ago now, were the right ones. i am where i am supposed to be (ok, why did "where i want to be" just start running through my head? damn you chess!).
speaking of chess (really, some day soon it will fade into the past and you won't have to hear about it anymore. well, maybe not soon...), looks like some of us will be getting together friday night for drinks and to see the da vinci code. here's hoping it's worth the $10. at least the company will be good. will be interested to talk about it afterwards, which, knowing this group, should definitely happen. i'm not expecting much, other than to enjoy watching audrey tatou on the big screen. and to keep myself from openly scoffing at some of the glaring errors in the story. but i'll be good, i promise.
today marked the end of my experience with whiz kids, the tutoring program at allison elementary. we had a time of sharing and snacks with the kids. i'm going to miss jordan, though there's the possibility that we'll be able to make contact over the summer through the next step (a "mentoring" program that sounds like big brothers/big sisters). i'm not sure i did much to help his reading and writing issues - he does have a long way to go. but maybe some kind of seed has been planted which will grow into something later on.
ok, 11:00 now. time to get to sleep. long day of independent novel presentations tomorrow. here's hoping they go well. and that they're fun for both me and the students.
night!
Æ
Tunes: queen - hammer to fall
Sunday, May 14, 2006
chess has left the building
first, a tidbit from last night....
i feel i am stuck in the end of eternal sunshine, as all of joel's memories are erased as he experiences them. as each scene tonight ends, it's like watching them dissolve into nothingness, never to be seen again. and by the end of the night, when the lights come up, nothing will remain of this experience.
yes, i'm a bit melancholy. no surprise there.
the show is gong well, other than some minor mishaps - glasses breaking, yogurt spilling, the like. feels like a good show to tape, which they are doing tonight. i'm in the middle of my act ii wilderness, waiting for "you and i" to start so i know to grab my jacket to go down and be menacing.
less than an hour left. of the show, anyway. then another 2-4 hours of strike. there was talk of doing shanghai mama's after the strike, but it closes at 3am and i fear we won't be done in time.
there it is, my cue. time to go manhandle some leading ladies for the last time.
_________________________
'tis now sunday, early evening. just woke from a much needed nap and am actively avoiding the stack of grading i need to work on tonight. much easier to avoid than my thoughts. woke this afternoon to this thought: i will never get to do this again. cmt chose 42nd street to excerpt, so last night truly was the end.
this is a mistake. i can't do this right now. 'twill benefit no one, especially me. i'll process some other time. will just make things worse if i do it now. need to find some other way to deal with dull ache inside (and yes, i know, i'm being melodramatic. sue me).
mother's day was lovely, though i felt bad for mom because i was so completely out of it today. will make up for it when she comes down to aveda to get her hair done - lunch, running around, that sort of thing. mistimed the drive and ended up about 30 minutes early, which let me take a quick nap before the rest of the fam arrived. abuelos was ok for a chain, though not nearly as good as jalepenos. queso was like melted velveeta, chicken tasted out of can, chips were a bit thin and greasy for my taste. but definitely am still full from lunch.
i had so many thoughts running through my head today on the drive to dayton and back, but of course none of them are readily accessible at the moment. or currently fit for consumption.
yeah, i'm going to go. this was a bad idea.
Æ
Tunes: x - home motel
i feel i am stuck in the end of eternal sunshine, as all of joel's memories are erased as he experiences them. as each scene tonight ends, it's like watching them dissolve into nothingness, never to be seen again. and by the end of the night, when the lights come up, nothing will remain of this experience.
yes, i'm a bit melancholy. no surprise there.
the show is gong well, other than some minor mishaps - glasses breaking, yogurt spilling, the like. feels like a good show to tape, which they are doing tonight. i'm in the middle of my act ii wilderness, waiting for "you and i" to start so i know to grab my jacket to go down and be menacing.
less than an hour left. of the show, anyway. then another 2-4 hours of strike. there was talk of doing shanghai mama's after the strike, but it closes at 3am and i fear we won't be done in time.
there it is, my cue. time to go manhandle some leading ladies for the last time.
_________________________
'tis now sunday, early evening. just woke from a much needed nap and am actively avoiding the stack of grading i need to work on tonight. much easier to avoid than my thoughts. woke this afternoon to this thought: i will never get to do this again. cmt chose 42nd street to excerpt, so last night truly was the end.
this is a mistake. i can't do this right now. 'twill benefit no one, especially me. i'll process some other time. will just make things worse if i do it now. need to find some other way to deal with dull ache inside (and yes, i know, i'm being melodramatic. sue me).
mother's day was lovely, though i felt bad for mom because i was so completely out of it today. will make up for it when she comes down to aveda to get her hair done - lunch, running around, that sort of thing. mistimed the drive and ended up about 30 minutes early, which let me take a quick nap before the rest of the fam arrived. abuelos was ok for a chain, though not nearly as good as jalepenos. queso was like melted velveeta, chicken tasted out of can, chips were a bit thin and greasy for my taste. but definitely am still full from lunch.
i had so many thoughts running through my head today on the drive to dayton and back, but of course none of them are readily accessible at the moment. or currently fit for consumption.
yeah, i'm going to go. this was a bad idea.
Æ
Tunes: x - home motel
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