that's what i'm talking about

just got back from seeing waitress. nothing new about the story. in fact, it's one that's been told thousands of times - poor girl stuck in a horrible relationship falling for someone wonderful. no surprise twists, no clever variations on a theme. just the simple story of a sad girl finding her way in life.

but wow, did it work. funny, touching, intelligent, great characters. everything every blockbuster i've seen lately hasn't been. it knew what it was and played within its boundaries and was great. i highly recommend seeing it. stripped away a bit of the cinema curmudgeon that's been building up on me.

rough day teaching-wise. plagued with self-doubt and an overwhelming sense that i'm sucking at my job. luckily, i've now been doing this long enough to realize i am neither as good or as bad as i think. just seemed to pile on today. i look at some of my students who are failing and feel i haven't done enough to help them. i've got several beyond hope at this point and i want to be encouraging, but really, even if they turned in all their late work, they still wouldn't have enough to pass. i know it's the choices they made, but still feel responsible. which i suppose means i haven't been broken completely yet....

couple of former students "bought" lunch with me tomorrow - to raise money for the senior picnic, they auction of teachers and the highest bidder gets to have lunch with their teacher. good deal - free lunch for me tomorrow. and while the students in question tend to drive me a bit batty at times, it'll be fun to sit down with them one final time before they graduate.

favorite student quote of the year: grading independent novel projects and one of the options is to write a letter to the author. the student had read jon stewart's america (the teacher's edition)
and wrote a letter to mr. stewart. in it was this line: "i guess all jews are funny." seriously, i can't make stuff like this up. made my afternoon. and i am SO sending it to jon.

time for my summer haircut friday. decided to not wait until i could get an appointment at heaven, so i'm headed back to gina's stylist. no idea what i'm going to do - suggestions always welcomed. just know i don't want anything resembling a mullet. or too short on top. would so help if i could just figure out what to tell a stylist, but i get there, they wrap that sheet around my neck and all coherent thought runs out of my head. and i never figure out it's not what i wanted until i'm driving home. hopefully that won't happen this time.

time for bed, if not sleep. taking my class outside tomorrow, which means lots and lots of walking. here's hoping it goes well and i don't completely sweat through my clothes.
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tunes: richard cheese - add it up

color me coward

The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
- John Stuart Mill

days such as today, where we remember those who have fought and died for these glorious freedoms we enjoy, always fill me with a vague sense of uneasiness because i don't know how to celebrate them. or even if i should celebrate them.

don't get me wrong - i understand and appreciate the sacrifices made. i know these men and women died for what they believe in. i recognize without those willing to fight for our country, i would not be sitting here now, expressing my freedom of speech via this blog.

but the truth is, i feel a bit hypocritical celebrating.

see, i consider myself a pacifist. and not just when it comes to war, but against violence between people in any form. not sure when this became a belief of mine, though i know it came about through my own reading of scripture, specifically the teachings of Christ. even as a teenager, pacifism seemed the logical path. i remember a bible study right after reagan bombed lybia when gary split the room in half – those that agreed with the bombing on one side, those that didn’t on the other. it was me and two others on the disagree side with well over thirty on the other. it just didn’t make sense – how do we show that violence is wrong by resorting to violence? does not the bible teach an alternative?

over the years i’ve had my stance challenged, mostly with rhetorical situations – what if someone were threatening your family with a gun? what if you saw someone hurting someone else? what if someone had information about a nuclear device set to go off in 30 minutes? - the assumption always being that the only option available to the pacifist is to stand passively by while people hurt those you love. names like doormat and unpatriotic and coward usually get tossed about.

i give my answers, usually falling back on the usual – the preciousness of life, the opportunity for grace, love those who persecute you, blah blah blah. but lately i have become acutely aware that, like many of my beliefs, they exist only in the hypothetical. i think i know how i would react. but the truth is, i have never been put in any of the hypothetical situations above. and i hope i never am. but there is no guarantee.

and i’ve been wondering lately – what if my pacifism is merely a manifestation of my primary weakness – my own cowardice? what if i abhor violence because i am afraid? what if i despise war, not because it’s wrong, but because then i might actually have to fight? what if turning the other cheek is actually the easy way out? what if i am a conscientious objector because then it means someone else has to fight my battles for me? what if i’m just being selfish?

maybe that’s why i’m uncomfortable with days like today – because it forces me to compare myself with those that have sacrificed their lives – and i find myself wanting.

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
- Martin Luther King Jr.

and yet, what if i’m not being selfish? what if it’s not cowardice that drives me but a desire to live as God has called, even if those around me disagree? what if being a pacifist doesn’t mean being passive? what if it is truly the most transformative thing we can do?

maybe pacifism is unrealistic. maybe it is the height of foolishness. but then so is much of what we call Christianity when compared to what passes for normal in society. loving your neighbor? your enemy? doing unto the least of these? seeking first the kingdom of God?

i don’t claim you must be a pacifist to be a Christian. i have had many friends as well as many authors and thinkers i admire who disagree with me. it doesn’t make them warmongers any more than it makes me a coward. and that’s ok. be quite the boring world if we all believed in the same way.

and so i do celebrate today. i celebrate that God’s call for us to live our lives for Him doesn’t mean we all fall into lockstep. i celebrate that God sees fit to include all of us in His love, not just those who would fight for Him – or not fight for Him. i celebrate that there are those that by their lives (and deaths) challenge my beliefs, just as i hope i challenge theirs.

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third time not a charm

back from seeing pirates 3. similar problems i had with spidey 3 - too many stories. and a complete lack of fun. too much time needed to follow the thirty-two different sub-plots going on to give us any entertaining bits of dialogue or fun. it's like hollywood has lost the ability to tell simple stories - always need more characters, more subplots, more senseless scenes to show off our f/x capabilities. probably why i avoid blockbusters most of the time. i know there's rumours of doing a fourth if it works out, but i hope they end it here. would like to get pick up the first dvd - no use getting all three.

gina asked if i could name any movie franchises where i liked the third movie. i couldn't think of any, other than return of the king and chasing amy (though that last one doesn't really count). anyone have one?

i'm always thinking of things to write about but then i sit down and none of them come readily to mind...oh wait, that's right...

went to my first ever cattle call audition yesterday for the league of cincinnati theatres. just ten actors in front of twenty theatres. never done a monologue and a song audition before and figured it would be fun for the experience. went ok - i didn't knock anyone over, i'm sure, but i was satisfied given the minimal amount of prep time i did. did a monologue from midsummer and "stars" from les mis. had a couple of former cast members in my time slot - amy from sharonville's midsummer (wall) and elliott from chess (arbiter). good to have a couple of familiar faces to take the edge off. ted was there too, representing falcon, which helped. won't be getting any leads, but they might remember me if they need some character role or chorus help, which is all i really have time for right now anyway.

spent time friday night downloading music from emusic (yes, i gave in and rejoined). here's what i got:

erin mckeown - sing you sinners
the hold steady - almost killed me
rosie thomas - these friends of mine
soundtrack featuring jay farrar - the slaughter rule
various artists - a testimonial dinner: the songs of XTC
richard cheese - 18 random songs off his cds

want to load the songs onto my mp3 player, but i'm swiftly running out of room and need to do some pruning to get it all on. never thought i'd use up 40gb, but obviously i was wrong.

was hoping to use some time yesterday in the auditorium to finish up grading my research papers, but i actually had to do more than sit on my lazy butt this time. had to wire a couple of chandeliers for the ballet portion of the dance recital, which took much longer than i anticipated, partially because i didn't know what i was doing and partially because the chandeliers were out of balance and i had to improvise. but they seemed happy with them, which is all i care about i guess. at least i earned enough money yesterday to cover my airfare to vegas. or close to it anyway.

found out my neighbor vernon's wife has alzheimers. talked to him a bit before church this morning. i cannot imagine going through something like that, to watch someone deteriorate before your eyes, knowing your helpless to stop it. can't imagine how much it alters your life - he mentioned it several times, like having to turn off the kitchen breaker so she won't try and cook when he leaves. sad. another thing to add to my prayer list. need to see if i can help in any other way, too.

it's officially summer - i saw my first firefly tonight. made me smile.

enough for tonight. maybe more for tomorrow. i have nothing planned for memorial day, other than finishing the research papers so i can pass them back on tuesday. hopefully that won't take too long. probably will find somewhere to get a hot dog off the grill. seems appropriate. night!
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tunes: richard cheese - baby got back