an early celebration

i've been accused before of not putting enough emotion into my postings - that i give a good blow by blow of the day, but never really delve any deeper into the events. so let me show you why that's a bad idea for me....

today started with a hangover from the night before. not from alcohol, but from a wave of melancholy that hit me last night. the most likely culprit? bowling. no, i'm not kidding. i know i'm not a great bowler. i'm probably below average. yet every time i go bowling, i go expecting to do well. sometimes it works. not last night. i was bad. only broke 100 once and that in the final game. i couldn't seem to find a groove. my first ball was too heavy, my second had holes that were too small, blah blah blah. now intellectually i knew it wasn't a big deal - even though it's a league, the teams involved were in it to have fun more than to practice for the PBA. but the longer the night went on, the worse i felt because i sucked. a lot. and i started to feel bad, even though no one else really thought anything about it. it's my own perfectionism. i tried to put on a good face but was completely unsuccessful. which made everyone else uncomfortable because they could see i wasn't having the best of times. which made me feel worse because not only was i sucking at bowling, i was sucking all the joy out of the evening.

usually when i'm feeling like this, it's best if i just get away from people until it passes. but it wasn't a possibility last night. and then - and here's where my need for deep psychological analysis comes in - i began to generalize and believe since i couldn't bowl and couldn't have a good time then obviously i couldn't do anything right. i was a horrible human being, i was a horrible christian, i was a horrible friend and a horrible teacher and ... you name it, i couldn't do it. i got home after the evening ended drunk on my low self-esteem. which led to the hangover this morning.

when the alarm went off, announcing it was time to go to the national board orientation, i felt even worse than i did when i went to bed. i took a lukewarm shower (did i mention my hot water heater is giving me fits?), threw on some clothes and went to meet kristin at the starbucks parking lot, where i discovered the jeans i had thrown on looked like i had been gardening in them. great. then i sat through the orientation and the more the leader talked, the more i became convinced not only was i not good enough to become board certified, i wasn't even good enough to continue teaching. everyone else was there for the right reason - to become a better teacher, to challenge themselves, to help their students. me, i was there for the money. the state of ohio gives a stipend to board certified teachers which mason city school matches, which means more money in my pocket at the end of the day. by the end i had stopped paying attention, assuming i obviously been fooling myself to think i could or should be board certified. kristin and rachel were excited, but i barely could look at myself and think about facing my students on monday, much less going through the process to get certified.

i scribbled this on my paper: lamest. teacher. ever.

can you see the problem? something as small as having a bad night bowling had spiraled into me believing i should abandon my profession and find something i was more suited for, like asking people if they would like fries with that. completely illogical and unreasonable and it doesn't matter because it's how i felt and it wouldn't matter what people said, i would only see everything through the negative lens. it was so bad, i toyed with calling brent and telling him sorry, i couldn't join him to visit bethany up in columbus today because i knew i would be poor, poor company in my current state.

boy am i glad i didn't do that.

after getting a late start because the meeting ran the whole 2 1/2 hours (kurt had led us to believe it would only take an hour or so), and because i had to run home and change jeans, i finally made it to the grove city steak and shake and met brent. since his car was full of stuff, we took mine and drove to bethany's house which is literally out in the middle of nowhere. with all the urban sprawl around grove city, i guess you have to go that far to feel like you're living in the country. anyway, after a brief bout of doubt that we were actually going the right way, we found ourselves at the house. so we walked to the door and bethany and andy met us at the door. we said our hellos and then walked into the kitchen, where my friends steve and angela were standing. and my first thought was, "wow, i didn't know steve and angela knew bethany and andy." and my second thought was, "i guess brent must have invited them down to join us for the afternoon." and then everyone stopped and looked at me and said....

surprise!

boy was it. turns out the whole visiting bethany thing was a cover for a surprise party in honor of my birthday. worked really, really well since even after they said surprise, i had no idea what was going on. but it sank in eventually, especially when they pulled out the gift bags and the sherbet punch. there were only a handful of us - brent and me, andy and bethany and their three kids, steve and angela and nikki from school and her boyfriend jay - but it quickly made me forget the negativity of the past 20 hours and reminded me i am incredibly blessed. after an afternoon of punch and cookies and appetizers and soup and salad and sandwiches (sorry, no lent today!) and cranium and laughter and cake and ice cream and wii and scene it, the worst was over. i felt human again.

i wish i knew what caused these bouts of extreme melancholy, where i can't see beyond the darkness of my own inner navel gazing. i wish i knew how to break out of them without having to rely on surprise birthday parties and unexpected emails from friends. like i said, it's not a brain thing - it's a feeling thing. and those are so much harder to deal with sometimes.

ok, way past my bedtime. via crucis starts tomorrow and i need to be well rested. here's to a truly holy holy week.
Æ

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Now playing: Stryper - Passion (one of my birthday presents, thanks to the balls)
via FoxyTunes

take the skinheads bowling

well, not the skinheads. just me. and gina. and a league one of her coworkers is in. haven't bowled for a while now. we'll see if i'm having an on night or an off night.

thought i better step in here before i leave in 20 minutes so that my reader cannot point out the error of my way and recommend i throw in the towel on this whole lent thing since i failed yet again (i'm pretty sure they were joking...pretty sure).

something to think about: hilary clinton points to her experience making her a more viable candidate than barack obama. she usually points to her time in the white house as first lady giving her the edge. but i don't understand how this makes her more experienced. just because you're the spouse of a brain surgeon and have been in the hospital and watched as surgery was being performed doesn't mean the next time i need to have a tumor removed i'm going to turn to you. being in the general vicinity doesn't make you more qualified.

i'm just sayin'.

the OGT madness is over for another year - don't have to think about it for another five months or so. there was a palpable sense of relief in the air today, though i have to say, i'm going to miss having that extra two and a half hours at the beginning of each day to get stuff done. but at least next week is a short week - three "normal" days and one pep assembly day. not sure i'll make it through act iii of the scottish play, but we'll give it our best shot.

i have recently thrown my hat in with the St. Elizabeth's Arts Foundation that launched recently. i told them of my interest in theatre and so am getting to do a little dreaming and a little planning about what that might look like in the context of the foundation. today i got an email asking if i would be interested in meeting with some local high school students and getting their feel for what they would like to see happen. are you kidding? of course i'm interested. it's one of those areas that i feel i haven't quite achieved yet - one of the reasons i got into teaching high school is because i hoped to find opportunity to work with teens and drama. so maybe this will be the outlet i've been looking for. we'll see.

time to get my bowling gear on (i guess it's college night in the league, so i'm going to pull out my golden flashes stuff). here's hoping i can move my arm tomorrow...
Æ

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Now playing: The Raveonettes - Blitzed
via FoxyTunes

losing momentum

this always seems to happen - the closer i get to easter, the easier it is to let slide those commitments i've made for lent. i had the time yesterday to blog, and yet i found other occupations to steal away my time so that by the time i got home after midnight last night, i had neither the energy or focus to do a decent blog entry. so another day. but really, two in the span of 40+ days isn't too bad.

reasons to always double check your schedule: i knew last night was going to be rough for B&B rehearsal because rehearsal started at 7:30 and i could eat at 7:40. so i packed a lunch and hoped to sneak a sandwich and some doritos during a break. unfortunately, we didn't take a break because, contrary to my belief, it wasn't just a music rehearsal - it was a dance rehearsal for "be our guest" as well. so not ready for that in my khakis and sandals. luckily in "be our guest" i am not in the infamous kick line, which means my main objective is to not fall down. mission accomplished last night. but instead of getting out a little before 10:00 as we had before, we went right up to the end, which put me a little late for my post-rehearsal activity...

...seeing pomegranates perform. had been a while. they're the "artist in residence" at the southgate house this month, which means they perform every wednesday with a guest artist of their choosing. we had thought that meant they would go on second, but when we arrived late because of my boneheadedness, they had already started. still got to see plenty of songs, but would have preferred seeing the whole show. their sound was great last night - always better when isaac's guitar is in the front of the mix. lots of good energy and the new bassist seemed much more confident. i'm going to try and go to their cd release on the 22nd - gina let me borrow her copy, but i need to pick up my own copy. plus there'll be cake.

one more day of the OGT. have to say, proctoring has definitely allowed me to get organized. my files are finally in some semblance of order and i recycled two years worth of tests and exams i'd been keeping in case some student questioned their grade (which i've never had happen, but better safe than sorry). if i'm feeling it tomorrow, i may organize my closet, which is the last piece that needs to be done. classes tomorrow will be a bit of a joke - not only will my sophomore's be checked out now that it's all over, my last bell won't be there again because of the celebration for the sophomores after lunch. so i put together an activity to get us started on act ii. we'll see how it goes.

no piano yet, though i think we finally worked out a time for it to happen. barring something unforeseen, it should be in the grotto next tuesday. need to find someone to meet them probably, since they'll come while i'm teaching. hopefully someone in the community will be able to help a brother out. need to put out an email, see if anyone is available.

ok, time to wind down a bit by catching up on the daily show/colbert report. not sure i'll sleep much tonight - i forgot that just because tea isn't carbonated doesn't mean it doesn't have caffeine. ah well, not like i need to be too focused tomorrow anyway. bye.

(ok, the song for now playing is one of my favorites. i love this version by galaxie 500, even more than the new order version. always makes me smile when it comes on).

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Now playing: Galaxie 500 - Ceremony
via FoxyTunes

multitasking

thoughts may be even more scattered than normal - am trying to rip some of my cds while i type this up. so please forgive minor spelling mistakes, as i'm sure you already do.

technology at school has failed me - i am unable recently to update edline, the communication website we use at mason, because of some security glitch. when i try to update, i get a dialog box that no matter which button i press, causes the entire browser to shut down. and then today my yahoo! mail would not load properly so i was unable to reply to email. tech knows about it but it's amazing how dependent i've become on this technology that even ten years ago didn't exist. was thinking about this last week when the stapler on the copy machine wasn't working and i had to (gasp!) staple by hand. i'm by no means a luddite, but sometimes i wonder if we aren't too dependent on technology to survive.

he says as he rips cds to his portable drive....

i need to stop paying attention to the elections. was watching keith olbermann (thanks to brian for getting me addicted) and they reported ferraro's comments that obama would not be where he is now if he wasn't black. *sigh* is there truth to that? possibly. i am sure there are other senators who would be more qualified to be president but who don't have the personality or charisma to do so. and there is that "historic" quality to the campaign. but to claim that is the primary reason he is currently beating clinton in the campaign is short sighted at best and racist at worst. and to make it worse, clinton has made little attempt to distance herself from the remarks. it's almost like she's happy to let someone else do the dirty work she cannot soil her hands with. again, it's tactics like this that make it impossible for me to imagine voting for her. if i wanted tactics like that, i'd be a republican.

sorry. that was uncalled for.

true, but uncalled for.

productivity continues: i mapped out the trimester. turns out i don't have enough time to show either into the wild or to kill a mockingbird to my classes. may have to see if i can at the very least show clips, though i prefer to show whole piece if possible. of course, this leaves me with a bit of a dilemma as far as into the wild goes. i finally watched it this past weekend and they did a decent job of translating the overall story to the screen, but not most of the controversy. chris comes out the hero instead of a conflicted young man. the dilemma for me is i cannot show it as is to my students. too many f-bombs, too much gratuitous nudity (which isn't in the book, at least the nudity. the f-bomb only twice). as i watched, i could see where i could make cuts that would make it school appropriate. but then aren't i engaging in the same kind of censorship i get incensed about from companies that make "clean" versions of dvds? would it be violating my own feelings on art and censorship? so maybe it's best that i cannot show the whole thing anyway - at least with clips i can pick and choose what to show. of course, i think the students might be able to follow the story better if they saw the whole thing. guess we'll have to see how it goes.

time to head to bed. been nice to have a couple of hours at the beginning of the day to not teach. and my class has a couple of students who take a while to finish the tests, so we haven't had any problems with discipline since they just have to sit there when they finish and count the holes in the ceiling or read a non-textbook or sleep. be over halfway done tomorrow. it's the writing test, the one i'm most nervous about. i pray the effort we put into helping them become better writers becomes evident tomorrow - and that no one finishes in 30 minutes as seems to happen every year. grrr.

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Now playing: XTC - I'm The Man Who Murdered Love
via FoxyTunes

and the nesting continues

must be spring. i organized my desk at school, finished all my grading, paid my norwood taxes from last year (finally - still not sure what happened there), i went and bought salt for my water softener and a filter for my heater and, miracle of miracles, i even picked up some groceries. don't want to think about it too much, just in case by figuring it out i stop doing it.

part of the reason i did some grocery shopping is today began the long two weeks before lent - because of the time change (damn you ben franklin, though the argument could be made that it's whoever decided to move it up to the second weekend of march instead of the first of april that's causing me this frustration), i now will not eat until nearly 8 PM each night. it's amazing how much that extra hour makes such a difference. so i bought some breakfasty food and hopefully will allow myself enough time to grab something to eat. probably not a bad habit to get into anyway.

i might have figured out what is wrong with my garage door opener, though the answer is actually raises more problems than just the garage door. i think water may be flooding underneath my porch, causing the roof of my garage to bow in. it looks pregnant with the possibility of breaking through. i can picture in my head the ceiling caving in on my poor car. i'd assume i would be covered either under homeowners or auto, but who knows. no idea what i would need to do to get it fixed, either. or if it can be fixed. all i know is it would cost more than i have right now.

light rehearsal week - only wednesday. and it's a vocal rehearsal, which should be fun. need to start working on memorizing my parts instead of just knowing them. the music director made cds of the piano accompaniment for everyone, complete with the song list burned into the top of the cd. fancy. i just need to start using it. probably ought to listen on the way to and from school. that's at least 45 minutes a day working on it.

ran into my friend julie while shopping at meijer tonight. completely unexpected, especially since she lives on the other side of 75. we haven't been good at keeping in touch lately. lives get busy - you know how it is. good to catch up with her again. we were looking at trying to get together to celebrate st. patrick's day next week, but, of course, i have rehearsal. did i mention the busy-ness?

time to sleep. must make sure i'm well rested to proctor day two of the OGT. this one's math - i don't care so much about this one. i didn't take the chance to look at the reading test, though the students hated it. no surprise there. one student said they would do better if the reading was interesting. well, duh. the point is, can you comprehend when the information doesn't interest you? plus, i already teach all the interesting stuff, so they have to use the second tier stuff. that's my story and i'm sticking to it. night.
Æ

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Now playing: Pixies - Caribou
via FoxyTunes

do these aches mean i'm old?

had planned to get up early this morning to shovel my driveway so i could drive to the church to drop off the clothes i had gathered and participate in our work day. plus i had to make sure communion was set up for those that wanted to partake. unfortunately, when my alarm went off at 8:00, my body refused to get out of bed, still living under the delusion that it was 7:00 on sunday morning and why on earth would you be getting up now ya frickin' idiot...yeah, my body's a bit grumpy early in the morning. so an hour later i pulled myself out of bed and threw on a sweatshirt and some boots and my ipod and headed outside. took me 45 minutes to clear the driveway enough that i could get out. would have been a little easier if i had, oh, i don't know, maybe cleared all the leaves from my driveway before the white death came. all i know is tomorrow when i wake up, i am sure my body will be even less happy than it was this morning. oh my aching shoulders and back.

i am old old old old old.

hold on, need to get some iced tea. think i might be a bit dehydrated...

oh, much better now.

been trying to work out in my head why yesterday was SO much more productive than my saturdays usually are. i did more yesterday than i have the previous eight or nine saturdays combined. ok, perhaps i exaggerate a bit. but still, quite the impressive list of activities. maybe it's because i had no where else i could go. but usually that means i would find myself lounging in my comfy chair, unable to move from my prone position. wish i could figure it out so i could be that productive every saturday. gina suggested maybe i'm nesting. now there's a frightening thought.

talked to mom and dad on friday. looks like they won't be able to come see me in B&B because they will be in DC those two weekends. just bad timing. thought it was odd i hadn't heard from them about tickets. was good to chat with mom - she was quite chatty. funny - i joined gina and the havens for dinner and it turns out we had all talked to our mothers. it's like the snow came and their maternal instincts kicked in (though gina had to call her mother).

did i mention how sore i am? oh the aches and pains.

phase two of my great music organization is underway. i went through my cd collection and pulled cds i had not ripped the first time or had deleted when i started to run out of room. i've got quite the stack waiting now. need to figure out the best way to do this - itunes for windows is excruciatingly slow at ripping cds, so i've been using my creative mediasource software to do it. i think i can rip it right to my itunes library on my portable HD, which itunes should automatically organize. we'll see how that works.

my gosh, even i'm bored hearing about this.

suppose i should begin moving toward bed now - have to get to school early enough to OGT-proof my room - hide any posters that might help students, make sure there is no way i could be accused of giving my students any unfair advantage since it means my job. heck, i could probably lose my job for even mentioning the OGT on my blog. i better stop before i'm pulled before the state tribunal...
Æ

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Now playing: Radiohead - Go To Sleep (Little Man Being Erased)
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