anatomy of a cowardly act

went to columbus today to help brent celebrate his birthday at the thurman cafe. an excellent time, though it was confirmed that i have no spatial or parking abilitites whatsoever. anyway, i cut my trip short because...well, let me back up.

on friday, after school, i was talking to my friend bea and she asked what i was doing saturday night. i told her i was going to columbus for lunch, but wasn't sure how long i would be gone. she said that she and some friends were getting together and invited me along. my interest was piqued, since one of the friends was her friend courtney, who i find lovely and fascinating. so i told her i'd go, thinking i could do lunch with brent and hang out a bit, then come home.

which is exactly what i did.

unfortunately, 7:30 rolled around and i hadn't heard anything. so i called bea. no answer. so i went back to watching veronica mars. few minutes pass and bea calls. she's sick. staying in bed for the evening. but, ever the good friend, she says i could call and find out what they were doing. so she asked if i wanted courtney's number.

what a question.

so i took the number.

and never called.

see, with bea there, i had a buffer. without her there, then it would be weird. i mean, they were her friends getting together, and though i've met them a couple of times, i would have felt out of place. which is not the best way to make an impression on someone.

pragmatic or spineless?

you be the judge.
Æ

Tunes: sam phillips - strawberry roads

TGIF

friday. and i am way off my game today. first two classes less than stellar. not here mentally for whatever reason. maybe 'cause it's friday. i don'tknow.

brain isn't here in general - can't stay focused, can't think of anything to write. yet here i am, writing. for no apparent reason. and you get to readit. aren't you lucky?

finally talked to alexa last night after weeks of trying. good to catch up, albeit briefly. she's begun a blog of her own, which will be interesting to read since she doesn't believe in self-censorship, unlike, say, me. actually i'm just looking forward to being able to know how she's doing. we talked about the oddness of blogging, specifically how it differs (or at least should differ) from private journalling. i know i don't say near everything i want to here, mostly because i know people read this. and some things would be uncomfortable to talk about in public, both for me and for those that read. is that being dishonest or just recognizing your audience? should i care? i think i should. so i do. but i do realizemy blog has its limitations.

the other issue is just how i approach writing - for me, most times, i use writing to figure out what i think/believe. i don't use it to publish full-fledged ideas. i think best while i write (hard to believe sometimes if you read this) and sometimes figure things out in the process of writing. which can lead to problems if someone comes across my blog and sees me working out my salvation with fear and trembling and thinks everything i type should be taken asgospel.

reader: this is not a good idea.

most of the time i throw things out there to get a little feedback, iron sharpening iron, focus some of my thoughts. not meant to be a firm statement ofbelief.

i'm sure you all knew that already, but just in case.

so. yesterday. dec. 1. a day that will flounder in obscurity, significant only to the smallest of circles, me. i decided not to "celebrate" per se. went out to eat and graded papers, then headed down to kaldi's to see eric and liz perform. the other option was sitting at home, watching some movie and stewing in my own melancholy. and we know how much fun that is. glad i went. glad i got out. helped me not to dwell on the fact that it's been ten years now. geesh. i've entered my second decade now. and it's not a big deal for, oh, 350 days out of the year. but on those other days, it becomes a big deal. yesterday's was mild all things considered, and for that i am thankful. here's hoping i don't have arelapse.

vague and obscure much, thurm?

as much as i can be, usually.

those actually interested can talk to me and i'll be happy to fill you in. but probably not meant for public discussion (though i'm sure i've discussed ithere before).

and this has been a waste of a plan bell. and a blog entry. oh well. at least i look busy.

heading to columbus tomorrow to help brent celebrate his birthday at the thurman cafe. should be fun. have to finish his cd. and a couple others. theyseem to come in bunches, don't they?

bell's coming. must go.
Æ

Tunes: wilco - sunken treasure

french verse screwed up my life

A kiss. The word is sweet--
What will the deed be? Are you lips afraid
Even of its burning name? not much afraid--
Not too much! Have you not unwittingly
Laid aside laughter, slipping beyond speech
Insensibly, already, without fear,
From words to smiles...from smiles to sighs...from sighing
Even to tears? One step more--only one--
From a tear to a kiss--one step, one thrill!

And what is a kiss, when all is done?
A promise given under seal--a vow
Taken before the shrine of memory--
A signature acknowledged--a rosy dot
Over the i of Loving--a secret whispered
To listening lips apart--a moment made
Immortal, with a rush of wings unseen--
A sacrament of blossoms, a new song
Sung by two hearts to an old simple tune--
The ring of one horizon around two souls
Together, all alone!

Tunes: old 97's - eyes for you

hyperbole, anyone?

been thinking about my last post and the idea of finding contentment in God. and perhaps i would do well to remember something - context. the passage was from the psalms - poetry. not a rule on how to live one's life, though that is often how they are interpreted. and, ironically enough, in this psalm, the writer is looking at the how the wicked prosper and seem to get everything they want while the righteous do not - something i've often felt in my own life. the point? the passage i struggled with isn't meant to be taken literally - it's not that God is all we should desire. but when you compare the glory of God to the desires of the earth - it's no contest. God wins, every time. has to, or else, not much of a God, no?

justification so i can have my cake and eat it too? maybe. but doesn't feel that way to me.

yeah, i know - it's after 11:15 and i should be in bed. but i met the fam to celebrate mom's birthday tonight and i drank way too much tea and ate too much chocolate to even see sleep coming in the next couple of hours. so here i am, subjecting you to my caffeine-spiked thoughts. i'll try to not too be too out there.

waiting. was going to write on this, but yesterday, while dozing in my comfy chair, a thought came to me, one i've heard before but conveniently forgot, as i tend to do when it's something i don't like. i seem stuck in the idea of waiting as sitting around, hoping something comes along. a passive waiting. but that's not how life works. and it certainly isn't something the Bible recommends. Christ points to an ACTIVE waiting. we're not meant to stand around with our arms out, waiting for God to drop whatever comes next into our laps. no, God wants us to be actively waiting, to realize God provides, but sometimes He needs us to walk around the corner. or position ourselves to better receive the blessing waiting for us. i don't know why i continue to think God will provide if i just sit here and wait long enough. you would think 35 years would have taught me it doesn't work that way. no such luck.

advent is full of active waiting. simeon was waiting for the messiah, but he didn't stay at home - he went to the temple every day, waiting for God to show him what he was waiting for. the shepherds didn't sit in their fields hoping joseph and mary would bring the child to them - they left and found what the world had been waiting for since the beginning. and the wise men came from distant lands to find what the was waiting under the star.

father, i pray this season will be for me a time of active waiting, of finding the dark places where your grace hides, waiting for me to find it. i pray it will be a turning in my own life. no more sitting around and whining because i've been waiting for so long. need to start trusting that my waiting is not in vain, but that it also isn't meant to be passive. ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. but i have to take a step: ask. seek. knock. God has made the first move - i need to follow His lead.

wow. i need to get hopped up on caffeine more often. though i wonder if what i'm writing actually will make sense in the morning....

eighteen minutes until dec. 1. one of my personal anniversaries. i'll write about it tomorrow. no use burning out now. and the daily office is calling. and my pillow, though i don't believe i'll be sleeping much...
Æ

Tunes: old 97's - goin' goin' gone

testing testing

my students are journalling about their first day of school and so i have a little time to maybe throw out a thought i had while doing the daily office today.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? and having you I desire nothing upon earth." Ps 73:25

i had a difficult time praying this today because, well, i do desire things upon the earth. and it is a struggle because i want to believe that all i need is God and that once i have Him, my other desires will seem small and insignificant. but i find myself caught in a "God...but" mentality. God is all i need, but i still desire (insert favorite human longing here). is this a lack of something on my part, an immaturity lingering? i don't believe my desires are wrong or sinful - but i realize perhaps they are a sign i haven't found true contentment in God.

just some thoughts. more next bell, perhaps.
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it's coming

no, not christmas. the cold working its way up from the depths of my throat. i figure it will take over by wednesday night, maybe thursday morning. already annoying to swallow. just what i need.

not a bad monday, especially considering it was the first one after break. students were still a bit out of it, probably since most were still mostly asleep (or had a tryptophan hangover). can't say i was in much better shape - rolling out of bed was SO difficult. but i did it. barely.

arctic beach week continued tonight - pizza with the girls at gina's, and then some yahtzee. i suck at dice games. chance is not my friend.

wow, so not here tonight. should just go to bed. steelers are playing and of course i'm not watching. figure i won't have to watch it tomorrow either - get the feeling they're not going to do well tonight. but who knows - they've surprised me before. too many traumatic moments in my years of fandom to get my hopes up.

i was going to write about waiting, but i think it will have to wait some more. maybe that's my point - i'll just keep saying i'll write about waiting, as an exercise in waiting. not that any of you probably are....

done and done. must get away from here. not in a good space to be sharing at the moment. perhaps tomorrow.
Æ

Tunes: shane mcgowan and the popes - christmas lullaby

damn you, sweet tooth!

finishing off the last of the cookies i bought for game day at angie's. been a way north beach weekend - like arctic circle north. bad bad bad. ah well.

i should be grading. but i'm not. in. the. mood. not in the mood for much of anything, actually. will probably head off to sleep once i'm done typing my random thoughts here. profundity will not be present.

word for the weekend - uneventful. not a bad thing. just didn't do a whole lot. a highlight: game day at ang's. good times, though we never did finish a game, but we started several. finally got to play the star wars lego game on xbox. must find a PC version if it exists. better than the movies (the newer ones anyway). and combining my two childhood loves? priceless.

tonight was the first advent service of the season and the first service in st. e's since we were officially given the thumbs up by the city fire department. great to be back in the space. i was "in charge" of the service, and i did my "darkness" monologue. i was a bit concerned about sound, but i guess my mouth's big enough to fill the sanctuary. memorization failed me, but i think God got the message through anyway. made me excited for the weekly meetings coming up in january. can't wait to see what God has planned.

curious: am i the only person that sometiems spends entire days on the verge of tears? i mean, if you asked me how i felt, i'd tell you tired, but pretty happy and optimistic. yet i feel like i could burst into tears at any moment. weird. yeah, yeah, i know - therapy. sorry, not right now. plus, blogging is much, much cheaper.

going to bed early tonight. tomorrow's going to be rough - hard to go back after five days off. here's hoping my patience is stronger than my students ability to annoy me.

see, no profundity.
Æ

Tunes: tom waits - silent night