final thoughts

on my way to usher in the new year with elizabeth. i leave 2005 with some haikus from yesterday's walk around mt. airy and a prayer from thomas merton. goodbye 05. here's to 06.
Æ

***********************************
luminous she seeks
darkened corners desperately
needing connection

gnarled fallen fingers
stretch to touch the stilled waters
lost beneath the leaves

i'm looking forward
hoping the past won't sneak up
to steal what waits there

cuts left by lovers
seeking immortality
heal year by rough year

do you feel these scars
callously inflicted by
our selfish passion

white blurs mistaken
for mere humans running through
your forest stillness

our violent natures
lie splattered against nature's
peaceful solemness

in my solitude
reminders assail my thoughts
of our falleness

how long will it take
before fallen majesty
deteriorates

blackened former life
shows what lies just below these
multicolored leaves

an idea forms
wishing to be whispered to
distance unaware

barren winter woods
breathe secrets unheard amidst
autumn's lost glory

you watch curious
unmoved waiting wondering
whose stare will break first

i climb the stone stair
stopping for lack of breath while
destiny divides

i will never love
another, i swear, until
her eyes eclipse yours

these spidered limbs creep
from beneath this web of leaves
dessicated, dead

trees full of dead leaves
whisper rejections to the
jealous forest floor
***********************************

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain
where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that
I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that
desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the
right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I
will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the
shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and
You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thoughts in Solitude

Tunes: david bowie - young americans

kong, part ii, or son of kong....

was going to do this a reply to peanutdowns thoughtful post, but figured if others were like me, no one would actually read the reply (i usually only read my own comments....).

obviously my communication skills were lacking during my previous post. i enjoyed kong. a lot. it was what i expected it would be. probably one of the better films i've seen this year, and certainly one of the best "blockbusters" i've seen in a while. and peanutdowns makes the excellent observation that the story was deep enough to be open to a variety of interpretations. i guess when i said "bare minimum of a story," i meant....well, not sure, exactly. maybe it's just because i know the story already and it didn't go much deeper than the original. not that it had to, of course - it is a remake, after all. i felt the story was much like bilbo at the end - like butter scraped over too much bread.

and i'm not convinced my post was meant to be a literary look at kong, more a personal response to what i saw. trust me, i can do the literary thing. but this wasn't what that was. or not what i intended it to be. it's what i felt more than what i thought.

and why do i feel the need to justify what i said?

as for the other part of the post....maybe i should have labeled my question rhetorical :) for those not following along at home:

"i mean, if a 25 foot tall gorilla can get a girl like naomi watts to like him, why can't i?" You must first learn to love yourself before anyone else will.

which raises the question, do i love myself? i've often been accused of self-loathing, justifiably on certain days. but i don't imagine that's something unusual for most of us. and my default position seems to be self-deprecation - the old idea of do it to yourself before others do it to you. so i don't doubt it seems like i don't like myself very much.

And I don't believe it's the way you were raised
or the cards you were dealt
or a poor self-image
I think you love yourself too much

this probably comes closer to my problem - i love myself too much. i honestly am quite happy with the person i am - in many ways i've become exactly who i've always wanted to be. and i am surrounded by people who like and love that person, too. so maybe i should just stop my bitching and moaning and get over myself.

good advice, indeed.

my disconnect comes because i've yet to love (and here i'm speaking romantically) someone who has loved me back i have too many amazing friends to believe i am unlovable. but i've never romantically made the connection. but that has more to do with other failings on my part - attracted to the wrong women, cowardice, a penchant for giving up too soon - than the idea that i don't love myself.

and maybe i love myself so much i've set my standards too high.

geesh, like i want to think about this stuff now - i'm on break, for crying out loud :)

nothing planned today - literally. should probably give the grotto a good cleaning since it's become apparent the work i was going to do around here is not going to happen. yesterday's shopping excursion was painful - my head felt like i'd spent the entire day taking a standardized test. but i did get a christmas tree - probably should take it out of the box and set it up, make sure it's what i want. will probably take tomorrow and go on a hike in the morning - hopefully the weather will cooperate more.

and i still haven't decided what i'm doing for new years. probably should get on that....
Æ

Tunes: old 97's - am i too late?

score another one for the alpha male

yeah, i know, i have issues.

saw kong tonight. pretty much what i expected - excellent effects, the bare minimum of a story, actors doing their best to react to a green screen. would have been worth the money i spent had we not chosen to see it in the director's hall (which is the biggest freaking rip off in the world, but that's a story for another time). so a good movie. not great, but good.

however....

maybe i put too much thought into this (ok, just remove the maybe), but i couldn't help feeling this was a story about the power of the alpha male and how it is this that women want, not the namby pamby guy. kong is the quintessential alpha male - takes what he wants, treats the girl as something to be possessed, talks little, shows his love by his actions (granted, it mostly involves killing other creatures/rivals), saves the girl from the horror of living a mundane life, etc. and ann falls for him, so much that she's willing to climb to the top of the (very phallic) empire state building to be with him.

as a confirmed omega male, i question the romantic idea that the woman can "tame" the beast, which seems to be one of the messages of the film (implied, at least). always been uncomfortable with the idea of "saving" anyone through a relationship. and there were scenes in the film where kong seemed like nothing more than a violent, angry drunk frat boy. and we all know my issues with frat boys (insert your own joke about my jealousy here).

i guess it comes down to me not getting the connection between ann and kong. or maybe it's just projection on my part - i mean, if a 25 foot tall gorilla can get a girl like naomi watts to like him, why can't i?

happy holidays, everyone.

here's been my issue so far this break - i'm having a hard time determining when i'm relaxing and when i'm just being lazy. not so bad the last couple of days, but something doesn't seem quite right about sleeping the day away, no matter how good it feels to stay curled up in bed.

i'm actually up late tonight killing time because i'm waiting for the dryer to finish so i can put sheets on my bed. this is what happens when you go out to see a 3 1/2 hour movie - domestic activities are put on hold.

i have no plans for the rest of the week - literally. after i get up tomorrow for prayers, i have nothing scheduled. keep thinking i'd like to head to columbus to see a couple of people, but i haven't talked to them and don't know if they're even in town. hmmm. all i do know is i don't want to think about school until, oh, monday of next week. though if anyone has a great way to teach short stories, i'd love to hear about them.

ok, time to trek to the basement and see if my whites are dry. more tomorrow, perhaps.
Æ

Tunes: wally pleasant - barista

A Christmas Greeting and Gift

Taft Finale 2000 - Over the Rhine, Ron Sexsmith, Leigh Nash

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

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