getting paid to blog

lovely. at the mason auditorium while the Cathy Roe's Ultimate Dance Competition goes on behind me. maybe not the best way to spend a saturday afternoon/evening, but for what they pay me, i can't complain. plus it gives me time to relax and chill. and grade quizzes, but that's an activity best saved for tomorrow when i'm here for another six hour shift. have to miss our weekly gathering - again mammon wins over God. sad, no? but i do need the cash. and i can't beat the pay, or the lack of work.

still recovering from a cold that attacked me yesterday morning and continues to hang on. bleah. trying to kill it with medicine, which has been ok - comes and goes. bad this morning, but shook it off. probably should have tried that yesterday, but just couldn't make it (which is why i'll have so much to grade tomorrow - unless i decide to hold on to the quizzes and grade them in class monday morning before we head down to the media center.

and none of this is of significance.

wednesday during prime time we had a little "diversity training." break down prejudices, learn not to make assumptions, that sort of thing. some interesting activities, though theere was a quote on one of the handouts that has bothered me a bit (not in an i'm going to obsess over this for days kind of way, just found it interesting - and haven't blogged since then). it gave the "platinum rule" - obviously meant to be an improvement to the ancient (and biblical) "golden rule:" Treat others as they want to be treated. does that bother anyone else? what if i want to be treated like the ruler of all the world? does that mean everyone should defer to my wishes and treat me that way? i think we get into major problems if we start thinking this way. we set ourselves up for being manipulated and used, all in the name of diversity and tolerance.

sorry, give me Jesus' words over this any day.

got an early birthday "present" yesterday from ellescriba - an ARC of doug's newest book, jPod. been causing quite the stir on the couplist. lots of soul searching, lots of stuff brought to the surface, lots of issues raised. i'm about halfway through - plan on finishing it this weekend. i think i understand the discussions raised, but will wait until i finish. no angst in me yet. but there's still half a book to go. i'm enjoying it so far - lots of flash, though not as much substance - but then that's one of the issues methinks.

right now is one of the hardest parts of lent - hours without being able to listen to the music i want to and having to hear the songs the dance teams use - right now it's some kind of techno hoedown (i kid you not). earlier it was mc hammer. i may have to hide any sharp objects on jack's desk.

ok, off to read more of jPod. maybe update my april calendar. maybe a nap. is this a great paying gig or what?
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ruminations of an insecure actor

yesterday sucked and i don't want to talk bout it - or can't talk about it. so let's talk about something i can.

chess has been frustrating at best and i've been struggling to figure out why. i feared it was simple pettiness, sour grapes over not getting a larger role. but that's never really been my modus operandi. sure, a more active role would have been great - but i am truly grateful to be in the show.

so what's the problem? i think it's because i'm stuck inbetween. i'm definitely not a principal, though it's how i'm referred to in the script. i haven't actually counted lines, but it amounts to only a handful of scenes. those scenes, however, are significant enough that i cannot simply disappear into the chorus. at least that's what i've been told. but it seems other minor principals are able to. but those are directorial decisions and i trust mark knows what he's doing.

and yet, because i'm not able to be in the chorus, i feel disconnected from the rest of the cast. i'm on the periphery and for once, oddly enough, it's not all my own doing. so i don't fit with the principals, i don't fit in the chorus. and that's been my frustration, i think. it's the nature of the role - it's not well-written or developed, which is good because it gives me plenty of space to work within, but is bad because i get little opportunity to show that development on stage. a challenge is how i'm needing to look at it, but i'm convinced there's not enough to the role to make an impact. that's not said out of self-pity, but out of the realization that Nikolai is not essential to the musical - write him out and nothing is lost. i blame the writer - he did not make it clear what he had in mind for this character (if indeed he had anything in mind).

which leads to this sad understanding - the director knew this character was like this and he chose me to play the role. i'm torn how to take it; either he recognized my acting ability and knew i could do something with this nothing role, or....sensing my vocal and dancing abilities were minimal, he placed me in a role where i could do the least amount of damage. most likely it's a combination of the two. or maybe i'm giving this too much thought and he just needed a warm body and he somewhat randomly chose me.

so if you're thinking of coming to see Chess, ask yourself why. if it's to see an underrated and rarely performed musical that promises to be a wonderful night of musical theatre, then please, buy a ticket and come. but if you're primary motivation is to come see me, then you'd be best served by saving your time and money.

hmmmm....thought after rambling a while that i might want to talk about yeserday. but i don't.

praying for a snow day tomorrow....
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