what to do

'twas headed out for publicity photos for midsummer (yes, it appears i will be on this year's poster, albeit wearing an asses head) when judy called and said they're going to hold off because of the thunderstorms rolling through the area. so now i find myself with nothing planned for the evening - not necessarily a bad situation - i'm reaching the end of obsession (ED: heh. actually, it's possession. wonder where my head is...) and could conceivably finish it off. will probably stay in and eat dinner here, though the draw of going out somewhere is strong. must...fight...it....

confession time: i'm a world cup junkie. been watching as many matches as i could lately, including today's disappointing match between usa and ghana. the americans just didn't seem to want it, or didn't have the right scheme to get it. got to watch with brandon dawson and julie thompson as neither of them have espn. fun having company over (and yes, i know, i should do it more often), even with the disappointing outcome. i'm drawn to soccer because it's all about process - the very reason it probably will never be popular in here in the states. we're all about ends, the means be damned. me, i love watching the game develop, even if it doesn't end in a goal. journey vs destination. and for me, a 0-0 tie is much more interesting to watch than most baseball games. it's not all about scoring (again, insert your own joke at my expense here).

speaking of jokes at my expense, alexa brought up an interesting point about self-deprecating humor, that there is usually a grain of truth there. perhaps. but sometimes the jokes are too easy to let go by. and i learned long ago, best to make fun of yourself first than to let someone else beat you to the punch. which raises another point i've been pondering since my blathering this past weekend. lori commented: "Do you think that introverts tend to have distorted self images because they lack many of the human interactions which give them a better mirror of who they really are?" my first answer is no, at least not in my experience, basically because i'm not sure how clear a mirror other people are of who we actually are. or maybe it's because i'm uncomfortable with the image reflected back at me. i know i've often been startled by what others thought of me, especially what others thought i thought/believed. maybe it's because introverts tend to be more guarded and so the image presented isn't truly who they are and thus the reflection is veiled. and it's not like introverts have no human interactions - they just tend not to seek them out as readily as extroverts.

i do believe we need others to help us with our blind spots, to point out those qualities, both good and bad, that we are unable to see in ourselves. but we must also be careful to realize that others can only know us so well - no one is us - no one sees the world exactly as we do - no one has experienced this glorious life the same as we do. and while we do well to walk a mile in one another's shoes, we still may never claim we know what it is like to be someone else.

bet you're wishing my pictures wouldn't have been canceled....

weekend should be interesting - well, profitable, anyway. my only responsibility tomorrow is an eye appointment. then saturday i will literally be spending all day at the auditorium - 8:00am-11:00pm. maybe not the best way to spend a saturday, but that's 15 hours of extra money on my paycheck - well worth the sacrifice. and it's at the high school, which means i'll be able to watch dvds in the comfort of jack's office. maybe i should make a trip to the library tomorrow, pick up some stuff to watch.

gone. faretheewell.
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Tunes: big star - what's going ahn?

from a self-proclaimed night owl

seriously, this is exactly what morning is like for me (stupid little sunbeams)....



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Tunes: matthew sweet - spiral

currently avoiding gardening

it's out there. waiting. wanting once again to mock me. and i know i need to go back outside, need to put on the gloves and just get it done or at the very least gather the work from yesterday and throw it into the pile. and yet here i sit, finding every excuse not to return. not that i really mind the work - something incredibly cathartic about grabbing hold of something and yanking the life right out of it (which raises other questions, but we'll leave those for now). and, unlike teaching, i can see the fruits of my labor immediately, can see the progress made. and it's satisfying. and i don't have much more to do. and it's much cooler outside now than it will be in a couple of hours.

but oh do my hamstrings ache.

little frustrated, too, because i spent money at walmart for good pruning shears and they last exactly four weeds. ridiculous. going to see if they'll take them back, assuming, of course, that i can find the broken handle i threw in frustration. hopefully i'll be able to find it now that my glasses aren't smeared with perspiration.

have i ever mentioned how much i hate to sweat?

went out last night and saw nacho libre. was pretty much everything i expected. saw it with a crew from midsummer, which made it more enjoyable, methinks. so much of the movie going experience depends on other people, especially comedies - their reactions, how easily they give themselves over to the silliness. not one i had to see in the theater (and, because of showcases assinine "director's hall," i had to pay extra to sit in seats that made my back and thighs sweat), but fun nonetheless.

since i had such great success with last week's opinion poll, let's try another one. have grown my beard out for summer (yes, i realize it's counterintuitive. like i ever claimed to be logical). but i'm not sure i'm happy with it. so what do you, my faithful readers think? beard or no beard?

that's me, always asking the significant questions...

enough procrastinating. might as well get this done while it's still a bit cool outside.
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Tunes: king's x - freedom

the heart of the matter

been thinking about my last post and the issues raised and it's become abundantly clear i'm missing the point. this isn't about my desires and the apparent conflict between them. this is all about my uneasy relationship with expectations and guilt. this is an ongoing battle, one i've fought for far too long, one i can't seem to overcome.

so why do i feel so guilty all the time? part of it is my perfectionistic tendencies - the desire to always do what is expected and to do it perfectly. intellectually, i know this is impossible. yet i still react emotionally in many situations, especially when my emotional energy is at low ebb. i remember feeling like i never quite measured up, that no matter what i did, i would always fall just a bit short of what was expected - whether those expectations came from outside myself or whether they were invented in my own head.

and i tend to set my own bar quite high.

case in point: last night i was talking to candice about some of this and i mentioned feeling selfish and she said she couldn't imagine me being selfish. i laughed and said she had no idea, but she said, "don't you think i would have pointed it out if i thought you were? as i know you'd do for me?" and i had no response. somehow i've confused having desires with being selfish. the unfortunate corollary to this is i've mistaken denial of these desires for following Christ, which is not what He had in mind. yes, we are exhorted to die to ourselves, but that doesn't mean we kill ourselves, constantly tearing ourselves down. we don't show love to others by hating ourselves.

and i know this, but i don't always let that knowledge affect how i deal with issues. and i have no doubt someday, i will again come here and spew here again. i pray for your patience. sometimes it helps just to get it out. sometimes it helps to have others remind me what truly is important and that my life isn't nearly as distorted as these lenses i wear make it appear.

thanks again to all those who responded, here or in another form. great to know i have friends, even though i don't deserve them.... :)
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Tunes: patty griffin - goodbye