no marrow sucking here

welcome to newton's first law in action - or more accurately, inaction. the momentum i had coursing through my body as the summer began has transmogrified into a disheartening lack of initiative. after morning prayers, i spent all day friday inside my house, accomplishing nothing, touching base with only a couple of friends, unmotivated, the very definition of a sluggard. and honestly, saturday holds little promise. i feared this would happen, my lack of concrete plans turning into an inability to make any plans. i pray this is simply an aberration, but at the moment it feels like anything but.

adding to my existential angst, my schedule for midsummer conflicts once again with house church, leading me to doubt whether it was wise to audition - or, more importantly, whether i am a fit leader for this house church. is it selfish for me to pursue my passion for theatre at the expense of my passion for the church? should i be denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him? is this something i'm meant to sacrifice? but then, as i experienced during my years in lansing, i'm sacrificing part of what makes me me. and i have a difficult time believing God wants me to become less than He created me to be. i refuse to fall into the trap that God's will only means doing those things we don't want to do.

and the voices of guilt come, shouting, "you're letting your church down! you're letting your friends down! you're letting God down!" and i find myself without an answer to them. it all sounds so shallow and self-serving: "but it's what I want to do. it brings ME joy and fulfillment." but if i only serve out of a sense of obligation, then that cannot please God, either. and leading a house church isn't a something i hate or despise - i only feel i'm not doing what a house church leader should do. complicating the matter, st. e's is in the process of birthing, of beginning one or two new house churches. we're looking at transitioning this summer - and i'll be off doing a play. what could be more selfish?

heh. i was hoping by writing out my dilemma it would help me make sense of it. but i only find myself more confused. and while i suppose i want feedback (why else would i post this in a public forum?), i fear the answers i might get, mostly because i assume what i desire - to do both - is impossible and that i'm going to have to choose one or the other. why must our desires conflict? and how do we choose when they do? and how have i not figured this out yet?

ok, time to go do....oh yeah, nothing.
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Tunes: the sundays - wild horses

how quickly the morning steals away

i had so little planned for today. and that is exactly what i have accomplished so far.

who would have guessed the simple matter of naming objects would cause so much discussion. most comments i've ever had. thank goodness it was on something of such eternal consequence. anyway, after pondering and getting a sense of her, my new computer's name evermore shall be:

veronica

now we can move on to the more important issue: am i truly bonkers?

have at it.

spent the morning reading nt wright - have heard much about him, but never really read anything by him. found this website and read several of the articles compiled there. good, challenging stuff. especially liked his focus on imagination and creativity - folds in well with some of my own thoughts lately (which i may someday share here, if i can ever get them to stay still long enough). if you've never read him, you should. his views on christianity, the church, the world are refreshing.

other than that, i've done little else. need to go mow my lawn, i suppose, though i kind of like its rough and tumble look. my neighbors may not agree.

does it frighten anyone else that the best sound system i now have in my house is the one attached to my computer? seriously, it is amazing. the sound is only up 10% and i worry about my neighbors complaining. and i now can play my mp3 player (rory) through my computer, which has been great.

table talk tonight for the rude mechanicals. i have a good idea of bottom, but am curious to see what else will come out of this process. then afterwards i will head down to the-grill-formerly-known-as-hamburger-mary's to catch up with some chess friends. maybe do a little karaoke. make a little love. get down tonight.

bsg or mow...bsg or mow...bsg or mow...ah the eternal questions of summer.

thanks to all who commented yesterday - was great to know there are people out there using my meanderings to break up the monotony of their day. every little bit helps.
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Tunes: elvis costello - veronica

the naming of things

i have what some have called an odd quirk (well, i have many of those, but i want to focus on just one for now). i tend to personify my inanimate objects by giving them names. it all started when i bought my trombone way back. i was at the height of my cyrano obsession, so it was an obvious choice - roxane. from then on, it only seemed natural to name these objects that hold meaning to me. and usually they are allusions to something literary or cinematic. my first car was heather (highlander), my second, guinevere (duh), my mazda, lorelei (gilmore girls); my electric bass, gretchen (king's x); my acoustic bass, daphne (greek mythology); my bike, celine (before sunrise); my tree, jarnsaxa (norse mythology).

those who notice such things will recognize all the names are female. those who like to psychoanalyze can discuss whether i have an unconscious need to possess women. or whether i use the naming as a way to surround myself with metaphorical women since i cannot seem to have a relationship of my own. or perhaps it is my attempt to particularize the feminine side of my personality, to find it in these objects i hold dear. yet again, it might be my way of sublimating my desire to have a daughter by making these beloved objects like offspring. trust me, i'm a therapists dream.

now since i bought my first computer back in 1996, they have always been known as karla, drawing from coupland's microserfs for inspiration. but now, ten years later, perhaps it's time to break from tradition and find a new name. my friend brent recommended scheherazade, which i like from a literary standpoint, but it doesn't really fit this beautiful piece of technology in front of me. i toyed with kaitlin, the female techie from coupland's latest jpod. but it feels a bit like i'm cheating. i'm quite drawn to titania for obvious reasons; plus, it fits the sleek look of the computer.

so, anyone have thoughts? ideas? comment if you would like.
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Tunes: green day - holiday

i don't know whether to be disturbed or amused

waiting....

my new computer is scheduled to arrive sometime between 10:30 and 200 today. and as i am paranoid, methinks i'm going to sit outside on my porch and wait - don't want to have to depend on a doorbell. paranoia is a wonderful thing.

no swimming today - didn't get to bed until almost 2:00 and it seemed unwise to get up and swim at 6:00. of course, i was awake - stupid brain/body will not let me sleep. i'm going to have to do something about this - if i continue in this pattern, my summer will be painfully instead of joyfully long. did make it to prayers, though no one was there at 7:00. sandie showed up, as did kendra, but the prayer books were gone and we couldn't find them anywhere in the church or the brownhouse or the convent. so we improvised and used the eastertide books. obviously we didn't get the message that prayers had moved or changed for the week. was a good time, though and i'm grateful i went. excellent, focusing way to start the day.

toyed with apologizing for the emotional ketchup burst last night about weddings. but then what's the point? if you're reading this, hopefully you get that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and if you don't, well, know that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and always keep this in mind: things in thurmanworld are never as bad as they may appear here on my blog. really. i have an amazing life, peppered periodically with random moments of melancholia. you get used to it.

ok, off to read some more of greenblatt's book outside on the porch. here's hoping my new computer arrives sooner than later....
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Tunes: stars - your ex-lover is dead

twenty-seven hours

this is the amount of time i spent in a motor vehicle this weekend. just in case you were wondering. 'twas quite the whirlwind weekend - up at 6:00am, out the door by 7:00, in lansing by 11:15 (yes, i *ahem* made good time), el azteco by 11:30, to josh and emily's for the afternoon, the wedding at 5:30, then on the road to upstate ny by 10:00pm. two hours to the border, six hours through canada, one hour to the beach. five hours at the races, then back on the road. stopped in toronto for a spur-of-the-moment dinner with kat. back to lansing by 10:30pm. slept, then back on the road again this morning by 8:00. home by 12:45.

yes, i am that crazy.

the weekend was wonderful - good to spend some time with gary. fun, too, to catch up with some folks i had lost touch with - josh and emily, jacob, the hirns. the wedding itself was unremarkable - the usual rituals, no crazy moments, no horrible homilies. yet i found my mind wandering a bit, found myself wishing, strangely enough, that i could be in gary's shoes, watching my own daughter get married. this is a sign i'm getting old, isn't it - now, instead of thinking about my own wedding, i wonder what it would be like to stand at my daughter's wedding. and i caught myself despairing that i won't ever see that day.

ah. i don't want to talk about that.

i was giddy most of the weekend - still quite excited about playing bottom. i had meant to bring my bill with me, but forgot it at home. no matter as i'm sure there are plenty of cuts and no use doing anything until i see them. i know i have a lot of work ahead of me and a lot of responsibility but, if all goes well, i know it will be worth it. first read through is tomorrow night. can't wait to meet the rest of the cast. i know rhonda's playing puck, but beyond that, i've got nothing. guess i'll find out tomorrow.

well, my new computer arrived this morning. unfortunately, i wasn't here, so they just left a note on my door. *sigh* so i'll wait until tomorrow to get it all set up. even more to be excited about. at least i'll be able to keep myself busy. am hoping to get up tomorrow morning, swim, pray, then wait around. the note said it should be delivered between 10:30 and 2:00 - here's hoping it's earlier than later. i did get the pc essentials suite i ordered, so i can get karla set up for the big transfer. probably will have to delete some stuff to get the program to load - i am completely filled. of course, at the moment i'm not tired at all, so i may do some of that once i'm done here. really, i hope i get this sleep thing figured out before summer is over....

seems to me i have lots of things to share, but none seem to be accessible to my brain at the moment. i blame lack of sleep. hopefully i'll be more on track tomorrow.
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Tunes: suzanne vega - caramel