no marrow sucking here

welcome to newton's first law in action - or more accurately, inaction. the momentum i had coursing through my body as the summer began has transmogrified into a disheartening lack of initiative. after morning prayers, i spent all day friday inside my house, accomplishing nothing, touching base with only a couple of friends, unmotivated, the very definition of a sluggard. and honestly, saturday holds little promise. i feared this would happen, my lack of concrete plans turning into an inability to make any plans. i pray this is simply an aberration, but at the moment it feels like anything but.

adding to my existential angst, my schedule for midsummer conflicts once again with house church, leading me to doubt whether it was wise to audition - or, more importantly, whether i am a fit leader for this house church. is it selfish for me to pursue my passion for theatre at the expense of my passion for the church? should i be denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him? is this something i'm meant to sacrifice? but then, as i experienced during my years in lansing, i'm sacrificing part of what makes me me. and i have a difficult time believing God wants me to become less than He created me to be. i refuse to fall into the trap that God's will only means doing those things we don't want to do.

and the voices of guilt come, shouting, "you're letting your church down! you're letting your friends down! you're letting God down!" and i find myself without an answer to them. it all sounds so shallow and self-serving: "but it's what I want to do. it brings ME joy and fulfillment." but if i only serve out of a sense of obligation, then that cannot please God, either. and leading a house church isn't a something i hate or despise - i only feel i'm not doing what a house church leader should do. complicating the matter, st. e's is in the process of birthing, of beginning one or two new house churches. we're looking at transitioning this summer - and i'll be off doing a play. what could be more selfish?

heh. i was hoping by writing out my dilemma it would help me make sense of it. but i only find myself more confused. and while i suppose i want feedback (why else would i post this in a public forum?), i fear the answers i might get, mostly because i assume what i desire - to do both - is impossible and that i'm going to have to choose one or the other. why must our desires conflict? and how do we choose when they do? and how have i not figured this out yet?

ok, time to go do....oh yeah, nothing.
Æ

Tunes: the sundays - wild horses