graduation day

about this time 20 years ago i was graduating from high school. i don't remember much about the ceremony other than it was polite compared to others i'd been to and moved relatively quickly. i have no idea who i sat next to. i don't recollect who spoke. i know i wore a grey robe, but only because i have pictures. i'm sure i wore red socks, since they were my trademark, much like being barefoot would mark me as i got older. my friend steve was valedictorian - i knew him all my life and knew early on he was smarter than me. or at least more diligent in his studies. my friend amy sang a song she wrote for our class, but that's all i've got. for a rite of passage, i don't have much.

ironically enough, many of my fellow classmates are gathering tonight at bar in dayton to celebrate our 20th reunion. initially, i planned to go - i mean, come on, it's my 20th. how often does that happen? and enough time had passed to see how people had changed. but somewhere in the process i lost my desire to go. maybe i didn't care to see how people had changed. maybe i worried about what people would think of how i'd changed. maybe i saw the list of people attending and realized these were not the people i shared my high school memories with. maybe it was the abhorrent grammar and spelling in the far too numerous reminders. but here i sit instead, at home, writing about my graduation day instead of celebrating it.

unlike many people, i enjoyed my high school years. sure there was the normal drama, especially with my wonderfully cheery and optimistic personality. but school wasn't a drudgery for me. of course, perhaps it helps that i remember so little about my time in school. i remember band. i remember show choir. i remember drama club. i remember muse machine. my classes? not so much. not sure if i've just blocked it to spare myself the trauma of the time. only therapy could tell.

they - you know, people who are asked to speak at commencement exercises and the like - they tell you the friends you make in high school eventually fade away and it's the friends you make in college that are the ones that stick. i wish i could prove that adage false, but i only keep in touch with a handful of friends from high school and that only sporadically. scott. steve. amy. i wonder about some. gabe. paul. donnie. deron. but not enough to go searching.

most times high school seems like something that happened to someone else, a tale told in third person. and maybe that's why i'm not drinking with everyone else at gambits tonight - i'd be trying to live someone else's story, trying to connect with people i only know second hand. i know for some, their reunion provided a moment of clarity, a reconnection to who they were. maybe i missed my chance. guess i'll never know. i'll end up like iona's friend in pretty in pink: i'll get this terrible feeling something is missing. i'll check my pockets, i'll check my keys, i'll count my cds and then realize nothing is missing. it's all just a side effect of skipping my reunion.

i should go flip through my old yearbooks, find those pictures, throw in some music from that time (ooh, stryper! INXS!), get a little nostalgia overload. it's the perfect night for it - skies full of thunderstorms, ghosts of the past flitting through my thoughts, just the slightest twinge of what might have been. better than wasting time here in cyberspace...Æ

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Now playing: Teenage Fanclub - Everything Flows
via FoxyTunes

ps seriously, these are the lyrics for the above song. gotta love itunes on random.

We get older every year
But you don't change
Or I don't notice you're changing
I think about it every day
But only for a little while
And then I feel it

I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know
I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know

The wind's blowing in my face
Lately find it hard to keep the pace
And I'm looking for a place to go
But only for a little while
And then the feeling

I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know
I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know

double yew tee eff?!

so last night during the artwalk i started to feel uncomfortable - my upper midsection felt distended and painful, my lower back started to ache. i thought i like i needed to stretch or something, but no position seemed to help. i made it home and thought sitting in the comfy chair would help, but the pain continued and intensified, so i did something i usually don't do - i decided to go down to the emergency room. i called kenny and he was gracious enough to drive me down to christ hospital. i went through the regular rigamarole and got inside, the whole time trying not to think about the pain, which didn't go very well. eventually they checked me out, took x-rays, took a urine sample and they came back with...nothing. but they shot me up with a narcotic (which i have to say was glorious), gave me a prescription for percoset, told me to stick to a bland diet and sent me on my way, telling me to call my doctor this morning to set up an ultrasound to check for some kind of stones. too drugged up to ask questions, i left, picked up my prescription, went home, fell into bed and slept for the first time in weeks.

so this morning i wake up, with no pain at all, and call my doctor to set up the ultrasound. the only problem? he's out of town. won't return until monday. and the office gave the impression they could do little about it. if it gets worse, i have the number for a doctor on call, but she has today off. now not only do i not know what was causing the pain last night, but i won't be able to find out anything new until monday. at least if the pain returns i have something to take - of course, if i take them, i'll be stuck at my house, unable to do anything or go anywhere.

can you feel the frustration?

i guess i just ride this out, go on with my day, see what happens. could it be something as simple as something i ate? but (how to put this delicately) everything i've eaten is still in my system. could the narcotic they gave me still be keeping me without pain? is it going to come back with a vengeance? do i need to cancel plans? grrrrrrrr.

ok, enough whining. off to be semi-productive until i go to get my car radio (hopefully) fixed.
Æ

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Now playing: Barnabas - Subterfuge
via FoxyTunes

waiting to get my door fixed

people who know far more than i do about garage doors are supposed to be here sometime in the next couple of hours to repair my broken door. keeping my fingers crossed that it's an easy fix for all involved. be good to actually use the auto door opener as intended, even though i'm trying to not use my car as much as possible.

i've tried several times to sit down and write about my experience teaching sunday morning, but the words aren't coming. all i know is the thoughts God gave me certainly resonated with many people there and the entire service felt knit together by God. quite a humbling experience all around. but i hope to write more later, once i find my words.

part of the problem - or at least one of the factors i can point to as being a problem - is my continued lack of sleep. yes, the machine that's supposed to be my ally in my battle with insomnia has switched sides and is now conspiring to keep me awake. this is frustrating since the reason i got the machine in the first place was because i was waking up feeling less than rested. now i still wake up like that, only it's from actual lack of sleep instead of lack of deep sleep. i'm going to give it one more night, which will make it a full week, and if it doesn't seem to be getting better, i'm going to call the doctor and see if i'm doing something wrong or if i'm one of those people who does not benefit from use of the machine. how i long for a good night's sleep...

still trying to find a rhythm to my break. yesterday i did four hours of yard work, in the heat, which meant i was a sweaty mess by the time lunchtime came and did not feeling much like eating. but i got the weeds pulled up for the most part and the lawn mowed, so there's some sense of accomplishment. but the rest of the day was spent recovering for the most part. today has been good as i've gotten some more stuff taken care of, but still i'd like to set aside some time for writing and for exercising and not spend so much time confined to the comfy chair. we'll see what happens.

of course, i would be more active without my latest adventure in time suckage. not that i'm complaining...

thinking i might need to go take a nap, which given my sleep problems is probably not a good idea. but since i'm not sleeping, i'm tired. ah, vicious cirlce, how i hate thee.

odd...i thought i had more to share. it will probably come to me later.
Æ

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Now playing: The Seedy Seeds - Grace
via FoxyTunes