ruminations of an insecure actor

yesterday sucked and i don't want to talk bout it - or can't talk about it. so let's talk about something i can.

chess has been frustrating at best and i've been struggling to figure out why. i feared it was simple pettiness, sour grapes over not getting a larger role. but that's never really been my modus operandi. sure, a more active role would have been great - but i am truly grateful to be in the show.

so what's the problem? i think it's because i'm stuck inbetween. i'm definitely not a principal, though it's how i'm referred to in the script. i haven't actually counted lines, but it amounts to only a handful of scenes. those scenes, however, are significant enough that i cannot simply disappear into the chorus. at least that's what i've been told. but it seems other minor principals are able to. but those are directorial decisions and i trust mark knows what he's doing.

and yet, because i'm not able to be in the chorus, i feel disconnected from the rest of the cast. i'm on the periphery and for once, oddly enough, it's not all my own doing. so i don't fit with the principals, i don't fit in the chorus. and that's been my frustration, i think. it's the nature of the role - it's not well-written or developed, which is good because it gives me plenty of space to work within, but is bad because i get little opportunity to show that development on stage. a challenge is how i'm needing to look at it, but i'm convinced there's not enough to the role to make an impact. that's not said out of self-pity, but out of the realization that Nikolai is not essential to the musical - write him out and nothing is lost. i blame the writer - he did not make it clear what he had in mind for this character (if indeed he had anything in mind).

which leads to this sad understanding - the director knew this character was like this and he chose me to play the role. i'm torn how to take it; either he recognized my acting ability and knew i could do something with this nothing role, or....sensing my vocal and dancing abilities were minimal, he placed me in a role where i could do the least amount of damage. most likely it's a combination of the two. or maybe i'm giving this too much thought and he just needed a warm body and he somewhat randomly chose me.

so if you're thinking of coming to see Chess, ask yourself why. if it's to see an underrated and rarely performed musical that promises to be a wonderful night of musical theatre, then please, buy a ticket and come. but if you're primary motivation is to come see me, then you'd be best served by saving your time and money.

hmmmm....thought after rambling a while that i might want to talk about yeserday. but i don't.

praying for a snow day tomorrow....
Æ