at chess rehearsal, waiting to say my one of two lines for tonight. repeat after me - there are no small parts, only small actors.
i'm feeling tiny this evening.
luckily i anticipated this and brought my moleskine with me to jot down ideas. thoughts. words. random musings of a somewhat significant nature.
long day at school - OGT week. i'm sure i've belabored my disdain for standardized testing - easy target, but a futile one that isn't going to change any time soon. my class finished with an hour left in the testing time (they get 2 1/2 hours per test). makes me a bit nervous since it was one of my tests - writing. i'm afraid they didn't write enough, which is usually the problem. but too late now to worry. tomorrow i'm taking a break from proctoring (heh - dirty), which means i nee to find somewhere to go (they're using my classroom for testing) and something to do. i have plenty of grading - bad planning on my part - and i should be looking ahead. but i haven't and i can't think more than a day in advance this week.
enough tedium, though i prefer the tedium at times to the chaos of last weekend.
looking for a bright side - been reminded just how blessed i am by my friends. calls, e-mails, visits - all have helped me deal with this a bit at a time. if left to my own devices, i'd probably crawl into a hole, struggle through on my own. never know what to say to people, never know how to respond, never feel i'm doing or saying the right thing. so i'd prefer to stay by myself. luckily, my friends haven't let me do that 'cause, seriously, i would be a mess. meant a lot to have andy and bea show up for the viewing monday night - they didn't even know chad, but they were there. the power of presence. i know there are no words, but it's so easy to think that's all we can offer when, as i'm constantly reminded, it's being there that they remember anyway. so to all who have called and cajoled and e-mailed and prayed - thank you.
excellent news - tax info came back from gary today - refund is on its way. have to pay the city of norwood (forgot to tell the school's treasurer i had moved - oops), but still will get enough back to help me, oh, i don't know, have a savings account again. most of it will probably go to house stuff and day to day bills, but would be good to set some aside for a purchase of some sort. been toying with getting a new computer since this one is about six years old (which is about 976 in human years) and always seems on the verge of a major malfunction. i fear crunching the numbers that i'll have to wait some more, but we'll see. need to make sure i'm financially sound before i start dreaming.
home again and the silence is a bit overwhelming. this whole music thing is insane. the thought crossed my mind to amend my lenten promise after this weekend - no music except for U2 - but i've decided to stick it out. my biggest fear is i use music to help me process life events and i'm curious to know how the lack of music will help or hinder my processing of chad's death. sounds trivial, i know, but music is my touchstone for the events of my life. but maybe it's good that silence will be my marker for this time. we'll see. gotta say, though, it's not getting any easier as time goes by. i miss my tunes.
rehearsal finished early, thankfully. glad to have a little down time tonight to type stuff up and relax. veronica mars is new tonight (finally!) so it will be good to burrow into the comfy chair and watch. here's hoping it's been worth the wait. thought about bringing grading home, but with nearly three hours of school time to work on it tomorrow, i decided a night off was worth it.
enough of the rambling. no need to make up for lost time. just glad i've found time and the desire to speak again. night.
Æ
* The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity. The Roman calendar organized its months around three days, each of which served as a reference point for counting the other days:
- Kalends (1st day of the month)
- Nones (the 7th day in March, May, July, and October; the 5th in the other months)
- Ides (the 15th day in March, May, July, and October; the 13th in the other months)
The remaining, unnamed days of the month were identified by counting backwards from the Kalends, Nones, or the Ides. For example, March 3 would be V Nones—5 days before the Nones (the Roman method of counting days was inclusive; in other words, the Nones would be counted as one of the 5 days).
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