color me coward

The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
- John Stuart Mill

days such as today, where we remember those who have fought and died for these glorious freedoms we enjoy, always fill me with a vague sense of uneasiness because i don't know how to celebrate them. or even if i should celebrate them.

don't get me wrong - i understand and appreciate the sacrifices made. i know these men and women died for what they believe in. i recognize without those willing to fight for our country, i would not be sitting here now, expressing my freedom of speech via this blog.

but the truth is, i feel a bit hypocritical celebrating.

see, i consider myself a pacifist. and not just when it comes to war, but against violence between people in any form. not sure when this became a belief of mine, though i know it came about through my own reading of scripture, specifically the teachings of Christ. even as a teenager, pacifism seemed the logical path. i remember a bible study right after reagan bombed lybia when gary split the room in half – those that agreed with the bombing on one side, those that didn’t on the other. it was me and two others on the disagree side with well over thirty on the other. it just didn’t make sense – how do we show that violence is wrong by resorting to violence? does not the bible teach an alternative?

over the years i’ve had my stance challenged, mostly with rhetorical situations – what if someone were threatening your family with a gun? what if you saw someone hurting someone else? what if someone had information about a nuclear device set to go off in 30 minutes? - the assumption always being that the only option available to the pacifist is to stand passively by while people hurt those you love. names like doormat and unpatriotic and coward usually get tossed about.

i give my answers, usually falling back on the usual – the preciousness of life, the opportunity for grace, love those who persecute you, blah blah blah. but lately i have become acutely aware that, like many of my beliefs, they exist only in the hypothetical. i think i know how i would react. but the truth is, i have never been put in any of the hypothetical situations above. and i hope i never am. but there is no guarantee.

and i’ve been wondering lately – what if my pacifism is merely a manifestation of my primary weakness – my own cowardice? what if i abhor violence because i am afraid? what if i despise war, not because it’s wrong, but because then i might actually have to fight? what if turning the other cheek is actually the easy way out? what if i am a conscientious objector because then it means someone else has to fight my battles for me? what if i’m just being selfish?

maybe that’s why i’m uncomfortable with days like today – because it forces me to compare myself with those that have sacrificed their lives – and i find myself wanting.

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
- Martin Luther King Jr.

and yet, what if i’m not being selfish? what if it’s not cowardice that drives me but a desire to live as God has called, even if those around me disagree? what if being a pacifist doesn’t mean being passive? what if it is truly the most transformative thing we can do?

maybe pacifism is unrealistic. maybe it is the height of foolishness. but then so is much of what we call Christianity when compared to what passes for normal in society. loving your neighbor? your enemy? doing unto the least of these? seeking first the kingdom of God?

i don’t claim you must be a pacifist to be a Christian. i have had many friends as well as many authors and thinkers i admire who disagree with me. it doesn’t make them warmongers any more than it makes me a coward. and that’s ok. be quite the boring world if we all believed in the same way.

and so i do celebrate today. i celebrate that God’s call for us to live our lives for Him doesn’t mean we all fall into lockstep. i celebrate that God sees fit to include all of us in His love, not just those who would fight for Him – or not fight for Him. i celebrate that there are those that by their lives (and deaths) challenge my beliefs, just as i hope i challenge theirs.

Æ