not entirely successful, but i'm feeling much better than i was.
posted a bit on my friend alexa's blog last night after a fairly scathing comment she received. i'm a bit protective of my friends and felt like something needed to be said. i repost it here because, well, the issue is one i deal with myself....
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“(Thurman… is this the kind of thing have been trying to avoid? Backlash?)”
not exactly, though it’s certainly been a concern. i struggle, too, with the idea that whatever i write is a proclamation, a hard and fast truth to be chiseled permanently into the foundation of Life. whatever. this isn’t solid, this isn’t eternal, this is only me, right now. if you don’t like it, hang around - it’ll probably change in fifteen minutes or so.
wishy-washy? perhaps. but then i was never quite arrogant enough to believe what i wrote held much weight outside of the infinitesimal circle of me.
and, like you, writing is how i think and process. i have to get it all out before i can make sense of it. sometimes it’s pretty ugly. it’s the old cliche about making sausages.
readers, beware: people like alexa and i have been brave enough to let you see the pulling of the levers behind the curtain. it’s not always a pretty sight. and sometimes it’s offensive. but it’s never personal (well, it’s rarely personal anyway).
to quote bill:
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber’d here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream,/Gentles, do not reprehend:/If you pardon, we will mend.
hang in there, alexa.
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which of course begs the question: then why keep a public journal at all? if it's so ugly, why not scribble away in some notebook somewhere?
excellent question.
mostly i keep mine public for the accountability factor - knowing other people read my blog (and - surprise surprise - notice when i don't post) helps me write more often. it's not a perfect forum - there are many times i don't post about things just because i know other people read it and, well, it will either hurt or confuse or piss them off. and i'd like to avoid it. the problem then is, if writing is how i process, i end up not processing some things that maybe i should.
i could keep two journals, i suppose, but that seems like more work than i'm willing to do.
if nothing else, i'm a lazy writer.
or i could throw caution to the wind and cling to the hope that my friends will understand if i say something offensive.
but then i think of alexa's recent experience. or aaron's. and i'm wary.
and i'm rambling.
getting a permanent crown put on my tooth tomorrow. joy. i hope there's no more drilling, but i doubt i'll be that lucky. be nice to use the right side of my mouth again. the bad part is i don't remember what time my appointment is (i think 9:30....) they were supposed to call but they didn't. probably got a busy signal because they didn't use the area code. stupid cincinnati bell....
still pondering the joy question from earlier this week. most of the responses i've received have been that joy is something you can choose. not sure i believe it, though. or maybe i just don't want to believe it, because then it means if i'm not feeling joy that it's a failing in me. it's my shortcoming. and something i should be able to overcome. but i'm not convinced joy is that easily manipulated. i think being open to joy is a choice. but the actual experience of it depends on more than my just wanting to feel it.
i'm not sure i'm making myself clear.
i'm sure i can *fake* joy. i'm sure i have. but real joy is outside of my control. it's an honest-to-goodness gift of God. i can deny joy, i can put a damper on it and refuse to feel it, but i can't create it.
but then what happens if joy underlies all of Life? am i just closing myself off to that joy underneath the surface of things?
too many questions to ponder.
geesh, it's like someone kinked the hose for a while and then suddenly let it all go....
no solid plans for next week yet. toying with heading up to kent, though i've only heard from jenna and not the other two. not that it wouldn't be great to see jenna, but would prefer to see everyone in one fell swoop (where does that phrase come from anyway...).
and a quick google search gives me...
"The phrase is one of those fixed expressions that we hardly think about most of the time. It means all at once, suddenly. It’s been around in the language for at least 400 years. Shakespeare is first recorded as using it, in Macbeth: when Macduff hears that his family has been murdered, he says in disbelief:
All my pretty ones?
Did you say all? O hell-kite! All?
What, all my pretty chickens and their dam
At one fell swoop?"
http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-fel
bill. of course. should have known.
enough sausage making for one night. not too ugly this time. more later, perhaps.
Æ
Tunes: nick cave - there she goes my beautiful world
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