emotionally wonky

this is the phrase i used with kat last night and it seems an appropriate description for how i've been feeling the past couple of days. could be chalked up to the fact that neighbors have decided to loudly voice their displeasure with one another between 1:45-2:00am the past two nights. could be i haven't been eating well since, well, since i stopped fasting with jeremy's funeral. could be the wick's aflame at both ends, with some extra burning thrown in the middle for good measure. could be it's just part and parcel of who i am.

so what makes me wonky? mostly comes in bursts, 15-20 minutes at the most. quite intense and a bit disconcerting to say the least. like hot flashes, only an emotional response instead of a physical one. what emotions, you may ask? loneliness most often. euphoria occasionally. sadness once in a while, with some general amusement sprinkled in. and no, i'm not on medication and no, i don't think i should be. i've been down that road and it's not one that works for me (though i'm sure some would argue differently).

so please forgive me if you've had contact with me the last couple of days and i've been rude/distant/odd. nothing personal, i swear.

anyway, we're in final full week of rehearsals for midsummer. moved into the theater last night and were completely off book - no prompting. wasn't too bad - just a couple of rough spots. at least i know where i have to woodshed before tomorrow night. the speeches i have - it's when i have to do dialogue (well, as close to dialogue as puck gets) that things get....wonky (it's my new word). being in the space helped a lot. and in case you needed more incentive to come and see me, i'll be doing a doowop number in the middle. yes, it's as scary as it sounds. serious show choir flashbacks. scarier still that it came back so quickly....

good check tonight at house church - we're starting to talk about spiritual disciplines and how they help us move from intellectual "knowledge" of God to a more mystical and experiential knowledge. and in the course of the conversation, gina pointed out a quote from nouwen:

In the spiritual life, the word "discipline" means "the effort to create some space in which God can act." Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up. Discipline means that somewhere you're not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn't planned or counted on.

ouch. here i am talking about spiritual disciplines and i've filled my life so full with school and the play and other stuff. need to work on that.

and i should probably start with getting more sleep. i hear the rain beginning to fall outside - hopefully that will keep my neighbor's arguments inside tonight.
Æ

tunes: aztec camera - do i love you?