chess rehearsal - act I

i do a lot of sitting round in this act. eighteen days until we open. not much time to go.

day one of my week off went well - fought myself out of bed for morning prayers. called moen, got info on my faucet - they're sending me the missing parts, tough i think i've simply not attached the water line right. will try again tomorrow, or tonight if i get inspired. mailed a long overdue package. drove down to the aronoff, picked up some chess tickets. to half price, where remarkably i bought nothing. then jalepenos. then sam's to pick up cds, cases, nx season 4. meijer for groceries. allison for tutoring. home briefly), then to bettas with gina. and now rehearsal. at least no one can say i was lazy today.

hopefully i'll be better at being lazy tomorrow.

one of my goals this week is to get my music in order. last night i used the itunes card i got for my birthday (thanks julie and shannon!) - new order - singles; suzanne vega - retrospective; and three def leppard tunes. 55 songs for $24.86. not bad. of course, they're in a format my mp3 player doesn't recognize. so i have to burn them to cd, then rip them to my palyer. to add to the fun, the last couple of cds i downloaded from emusic weren't recognized either. *sigh* the unmentioned trials of the digital music revolution.

been rereading life after god again. strange - i've easily read it over a dozen times, yet it's struck a nerve again. picked it up because allison mentioned not being able to feel like she used to. and i've been feeling that lately too - and that idea is all over LAG. every story. this quote's been running through my head all day - not in a melancholy, woe-is-me kind of way, but a this-is-just-the-way-things-go kind of way.

I am an affectionate man but I have much trouble showing it.

When I was younger I used to worry so much about being alone - of being unlovable or incapable of love. As the years went on, my worries changed. I worried that I had become incapable of having a relationship, of offering intimacy...

Being alone here now, all of my old fears are erupting, the fears I thought I had buried forever...
fear of loneliness; fear that being in and out of love too many times itself makes you harder to love; fear that I would never experience real love; fear that someone would fall in love with me, get extremely close, learn everything about me and then pull the plug; fear that love is only important up until a certain point after which everything is negotiable.

For so many years I lived a life of solitude and I thought life was fine. But I knew that unless I explored intimacy and shared intimacy with someone else then life would never progress beyond a certain point. I remember thinking that unless I knew what was going on inside someone else's head other than my own I was going to explode.

rereading has rekindled anew my desire (need?) to stage the adaptation i wrote, what, six/seven years ago? geesh. i wait too long, i won't be able to play scout. think i need to put a call out, see if i can pull a cast together. and a crew. and see if we could do it in st. e's. worry about when later.

finished running act i. am hoping they won't need me. want to walk to speedway on the way home for, of course, another frozen pepsi.

damn. not going to happen. the sacrifice for one's art.

at least i have my mp3 player with me. if only i had a book to read...
Æ

Tunes: king's x - believe