see previous post title

so the thought's been running scattershot through my brain lately, ricocheting 'round and making a general nuisance of itself. it's not a new thought, but it's been gaining in frequency and strength, especially with the experiences of the past few months. the thought is this: maybe it's time i gave up my belief in romantic love. blasphemy, i know, especially coming from a self-professed, hopeless romantic. i've lost my faith in romantic love. i still believe in it, that it exists and is a truly wonderful and magic-filled force. but i no longer believe (or at least i think i no longer believe) it exists for me.

let's look at this logically (a stretch for me, but i'll give it a try). if love was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened by now? it's been over 21 years since i first jumped in and began actively seeking for love and here i sit, alone, eating dinner, scratching my thoughts into this notebook. twenty-one years is a long time to seek without finding. ok, so that's not completely true - i've found it a handful of heart-wrenching times, but never anything lasting longer than a sprinkling of weeks. this lack of significant experience makes me wonder if i'm capable of sustaining a romantic relationship. so far the evidence points to no.

the question often arises from well-meaning (and mostly attached) friends: why is someone as (insert your favorite adjective here) as you not taken/in a relationship/dating? this question has plagued me for a while now. unlucky? a little. poor timing? you don't know the half of it. emotionally unavailable? probably less than most. too picky? possibly. too pessimistic? perhaps. a coward? most definitely.

some days i feel like a Duplo block in an Lego world. i look like i should be able to connect, but i'm just not created to.

some days i feel like a noble gas - maybe my outer electron shell is already complete, so there's no need to combine with other elements.

some days i feel like my wiring's bad, that i'm only attracted to what i cannot have or to those not attracted to me.

some days i wish i couldn't feel.

so what if i just gave up on romantic love? i could stop looking at every face in the crowd, wondering "are you someone i could love, who could love me in return?" i could stop casually glancing at every new possibility's left hand. i could stop despairing over missing out on something i was never meant to have. i could accept the way i was created and use my strengths instead of trying to be someone i'm not. i could focus on the relationships that do work in my life - my amazing friends, my beloved family - and stop wasting my time and energy on those that don't. i could get on with actually living Life instead of whining about the life i don't have.

and yet....

I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.*

i suppose i could give up, declare it a lost cause, move on and focus on other things. would save me a lot of time and a lot of headaches and a lot of heartaches. but then no one ever promised this journey would be an easy one (well, except for those telling me to be patient and wait for "the one" God has chosen for me, but that's a topic for another time). it's the attempt - the nervousness and the awkwardness and the embarrassment and the rejection and the occasional success - that provides what is needed to keep going: hope.

so logic be damned. i'm not quite ready to abandon my faith in the power of romantic love. won't keep me from complaining occasionally and whining periodically. but it will keep me looking forward to the next horizon, hoping to catch a glimpse of startling eyes searching like mine. Æ

*before sunrise

Tunes: uncle tupelo - sandusky