the show, the test and the overwhelming desire to give into consumerism

the nether realm of the devil and the demons in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment week lived up to its name - getting used to costumes, figuring out tons of tech stuff, having to stop rehearsal early to get out of the theater in time, last minute changes to choreography. exhausting. but thursday came, our first performance with an audience (the ushers from the aronoff) and it went well. then friday came and the excitement carried us through some minor problems and one major one - the dry ice machine used during the transformation clogged, which took away from some of the effect. but the audience enjoyed themselves, which is most important. personally i was off my game - missed steps here, dropped notes there - but nothing major. not like saturday night, when my egg beater costume fell apart during the end of "be our guest." i had to stand there and hold the two beaters during the kickline. couldn't help but smile and laugh. they duct taped it all back together for act ii and it held up well.

i'm always amazed at what causes my heart to sink and what i let wash over me. friday night the errors and problems were minor, but i was far more frustrated with them than i was saturday when the error was much more noticeable. maybe it's because i had control over the first night's errors and they were my fault, whereas the costume malfunction had nothing to do with me (other than my overzealous dancing i suppose). i have always been harder on myself than on others. wish i offered grace as easily to myself as i do to others.

first weekend also meant two cast parties. i was out of it at the first one - wasn't feeling terribly social and ended up lingering around the food table. the long island ice tea i had probably didn't help my mood any. i left early, partially because i had to be up at 6AM for a last minute auditorium gig (jack had to go to a funeral) and partially because i was too tired to socialize. saturday was much better - was at ron's (lefou) house in hyde park and was fantastic. wendy made another amazing cake and they even had a raffle - i won a miniature painting from beauty and the beast of the final frame of the film. very cool. ron and his partner donny have an amazing house - made me feel again like i don't really deserve to be a homeowner. maybe i can work on that this summer.

tonight we start our final run of five shows. i took the day off to prepare and because i had my follow up sleep test to get the CPAP machine calibrated. i had great expectations - have heard so much positive about the results i was looking forward to a great night's sleep for the first time in years. unfortunately, reality did not meet expectations. started off when the technician told me results usually were dependent on the patient's attitude and the severity of the apnea - the more severe, the more efficacious the treatment was. so i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that i spent a restless night since i only have mild apnea. and i guess my attitude wasn't positive enough. couldn't fall asleep, couldn't stay asleep and everytime i woke i couldn't get used to the rhythms of the machine. too aware of my breathing i suppose. woke up tired and sleepy and frustrated. we'll see how it works for a month. hopefully i'll get used to it and it will benefit me. but i'm feeling a bit wary after last night's struggles. the technician also mentioned some other issue that wasn't discussed in my first test - not restless leg but something similar. don't know. hopefully the doctor will see last night's results and have a better understanding. we'll see.

my bush bribe arrived in my bank account last week and i've been wondering what i should do with it. add to that my receipt of a miami certificate and my recent tax returns and my bank account finally looks like a normal person's instead of some struggling post-college, pre-career slacker. used part of it to pay off my debt to best buy (bastards! - sorry, but they royally pissed me off) and will probably do the same for lowe's which will leave me with only one high-interest, maxed-out credit card. would like to sit down with a financial planner, but don't know where to begin looking. and i'm afraid they'll tell me i have to give up things that i like. better to live in ignorance than guilt, right? we'll see. been fighting the urge to splurge on items i don't really *need* but would like to own. luckily, my genetic frugality, passed to me from my garage-sale-loving mom (love you!), keeps me from giving in too easily most of the time.

ok, time to relax before the show tonight. call is at 5:30 for a 7:30 show, which means i should be done early tonight which is good since tomorrow is going to be frantic to say the least. film club tomorrow afternoon and we won't be done until after 4:30 and then i have to drive home in rush hour traffic and grab a quick shower before heading down to the theater, most likely without time to grab something to eat. not looking forward to it. at least we're watching raiders, in anticipation of the new film next week, which should be fun. much better than the abysmal the devil's advocate (sorry nathan, but it was bad). will probably not have time to post again 'til post-show. thanks for being patient. back soon, probably to complain about having nothing to do this summer yet...
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