Wandering Wheels - 25 January 1991 (the incredibly depressing entry)

It's over, finished, kaput. There's no more. The road has ended, nothing left to do now but pick up and go home. All around me people are screaming for joy, ecstatic that it's completed. Not me. I am more melancholy now than I've been all month. It's over. Just saying that makes me want to cry. It's not supposed to be like that. I'm supposed to be thrilled to finally get off my bike, all pumped and set to go home. But I'm not. If I had my choice, I'd keep riding. And riding. And riding. There's nothing left for me.

OK, so I'm getting a little melodramatic. But that's how it feels. Nothing to look forward to, no way to go back, right now I'm stuck in a void. I'd change my attitude if I thought'd help. But hey, I'm depressed and I think that's how I should be. I mean, here I am, I've spent the last month coming to the coast, biking in beautiful weather with spectacular scenery to keep my attention and show me how wonderful this earth is and how incredible God is and now, what do I go back to? Not a whole lot.

I think most of my problem is fear. Fear that college will seem mundane now. Fear that things will have somehow changed at home. A lot has already changed on this trip. I've become completely alienated from Mike and Laurie. They don't even talk to me now. I guess I did something, though I'm totally oblivious. And I know that the friends I've made on this trip (especially Team Bias) probably won't be around much. We all have our friends back home. That's the way it goes. Sometimes I truly h ate being a pessimist. I want to be out there laughing and hugging and congratulating. But I'm not. And I won't, 'cause the best time of my life is over, finished, kaput. This is where the story ends, my friend. The book will continue and someday I may have another story like this one. But so far this has been the best one and I'm left with an aching yearning that it would go on. But it won't. Æ

Tunes: daphne loves derby - come winter