wideawake

gave up after 45 minutes of tossing and turning and decided to come in and try to type myself into sleepiness. not sure it will work, but the usual things are not helping and i'm trying to stay away from pills, especially since my alarm will sound in about 5 1/2 hours and the pills are good for eight. brain won't shut off, body won't cool down, so here i am. aren't you lucky?

guess now is as good a time as any to get into that glorious discussion of marriage and divorce and remarriage i keep yammering on about. first, however, a disclaimer or two. these thoughts are ones i am wrestling with. i don't claim to have all the answers - heck, i'm not even sure i'm asking the right questions. but to paraphrase brother merton, i believe my desire to please does in fact please. the following thoughts come from my interpretation of scripture. i have no "word of the Lord" or particular insight God has provided and much of the time i wish i believed otherwise because, well, it would make life less complicated. or more complicated, depending on how you see it.

enough stalling. i just wanted to make it clear the opinions expressed below are not necessarily the opinions expressed Above and if you already have rejected the thoughts from Above, then you're not going to think much of my thoughts below.

i don't think that made it clear, but i'm going to go on anyway.

back in seminary i came to the belief that in some circumstances, God does indeed permit divorce. this came from a reading of the usual old and new testament scriptures on marriage and divorce, specifically Christ's words in matthew, Paul's words in corinthians, and the storyteller's words in genesis about man and woman and one flesh. divorce is never the ideal and always a last resort, but there are times and places where the most loving action for both parties is to dissolve a harmful relationship. the other belief i came to during this time was that while divorce may be necessary at times, remarriage after divorce is not permitted under any circumstances.

i realize this seems like a grace-less position. how can someone be held responsible for decisions made at a young age? how can someone be held responsible for decisions made by another person? how can someone pay the price for another's sin? what kind of God would punish someone like that? what about grace? what about forgiveness?

originally, in the guarded ivory tower that is academia, those answers came easily. the example i used to use went something like this: a person in a moment of poor judgment has unprotected sex with a stranger and later discovers that they have an std. will God grant them forgiveness for their sin? of course. will he take away the consequence of that sin? no. His forgiveness does not wipe away the human consequences of the sin. that person will live the rest of their life with that std.

i then would draw the parallels - yes, God is able to forgive the sin of divorce - it is not the "unforgivable sin" many churches preach, either explicitly or implicitly. however, the breaking of the marriage covenant has consequences and we must live with those consequences. which, according to my reading of scripture, specifically matthew 19 and i corinthians 7, meant no remarriage.

most of the objections i've heard fall under what i label as the "But that's not fair!" argument. it's not fair that God would punish both parties equally when the other was unfaithful/dishonest/abusive/fill-in-the-blank. it's not fair that God would hold us accountable for decisions made in the "heat of the moment" or in the " throes of young love." it's not fair for God to expect someone to remain single for the rest of their lives.

i think most of these objections take a weak view of marriage. they reduce marriage to a contract between a man and a woman instead of a covenant between two souls and their God. in many ways, my understanding of marriage is more sacramental in nature - it is not so much something we do (though obviously the couple has an important part to play), but something God does. it is He that knits the souls together. it is He that weaves two separate stories into one. it is He that makes the two one, transforms them into one flesh.

because it is something God does, we cannot simply break it apart. it is why Christ declares "the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" and follows it up with "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:8-9, 11-12).

so while we in our humanness see a broken contract, God sees us as one flesh still, which is why remarriage is seen as adultery. the contract may be broken, but the covenant still exists. which of course is much easier to hold on to in the rarefied air of the seminary classroom than in reality.

i also see these objections taking a weak view of the single life as well. many of the objections see being forced to remain single as a horrible punishment, like being single is a fate worse than death. God wouldn't expect anyone to live like that, especially someone who has already tasted the glorious fruits of the married life. it would be cruel to expect them to spend the rest of their lives without someone, wouldn't it?

obviously, i have a lovely set of baggage to go with this attitude, being unmarried as well as celibate. but it's hard for me to feel much sympathy for someone who will be "cursed" to be like i am. though not intended, it sets up the married life as the ideal and the single life as the less than, even though Christ himself was single (no matter what dan brown says) and Paul wished "that all men were as I am" (I Cor. 7:7).

the disconnect for me occurs on many different fronts. i've seen God bless second (and even third) marriages. i've seen friends torn apart by people they've loved who turned out to not be the person they believed them to be. i've heard viable objections raised - what about the verses where Jesus says "except for marital infidelity"(Matt. 19:9)? what about Paul's admonition, "if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances" (I Cor. 7:15)?

it's circumstances like this that have made me revisit and wrestle with my beliefs recently. maybe there are times when remarriage is permitted. but the problem is, when? marital infidelity would seem the simple answer, but how do you define that? is it simply having sex with someone who is not your spouse? or could it be for emotional or intellectual infidelity? what about abuse - could that be seen as a breaking of the marital vows? who makes the decision what is a viable reason for an "lawful" divorce? do we need to make a list? do we deal with it on a case by case basis? and if so, what principles do we judge those cases?

and my own baggage confuses the matter. what if i'm questioning my beliefs, not because i think they might be wrong, but because by abandoning them, i increase the possibility that i may not be cursed with having to live the rest of my life single? let's be honest - the odds of me finding someone to spend what little remains of my life who has never been married are becoming slimmer. cutting myself off from potential dates simply because they've been married before smacks of elitism - i'm better than you because i've never been married.

and yet i can't shake the feeling that perhaps we'd be better off if we saw marriage as a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. how many of us would take more time getting to know the person we're going to marry if we knew we only got one shot to get it right? how many of us would work harder at the relationship knowing if this goes bad, there won't be a chance for another? what if we saw ourselves as God sees us - as one flesh - and realized to tear that asunder wouldn't leave two separate souls, but two half ones?

ok, it's been almost two hours and i'm still not tired and i definitely haven't come to any grand conclusions. but the ideas are out there. feel free to disagree or even try to convince me i'm wrong. part of me would be happy to be convinced i'm in error. but only if it's to serve God's glory, not my own wants and needs. Æ

----------------
Now playing: Emmylou Harris - Plaisir d'Amour
via FoxyTunes

randomness

not feeling much like getting into the whole marriage/divorce talk tonight, so you're spared my ramblings for the time being. and i have little purpose in coming here other than to see if perhaps writing will lead me somewhere tonight. been a remarkably lazy day. played for worship at church, came home, took a long nap, watched some west wing, went for a bike ride, watched some more west wing and am now here. why does my ride feel like the only productive activity i did all day?

i watched dan in real life last night. decent flick - steve carell was excellent and understated and i enjoyed watching the film, though i doubt the ending could ever have happened that way. the basic conflict is dan meets this amazing woman who turns out to be his brother's new girlfriend. i know i was supposed to be rooting for dan, but it seemed...wrong. is this just me? i've been told not everyone feels this way, but if someone is taken, that's it. you move on. heck, i've been in situations where i found out someone else was interested, not even dating, and i felt like i needed to back off my own interest. can't say i've always followed this, but it is my default position, which in some ways does seem a little silly considering i'm limiting my already incredibly limited options. but it doesn't feel honorable. not that that matters much nowadays i suppose.

been reading a couple of books on spiritual direction. the first one, holy listening: the art of spiritual direction, was a good introduction to the concept and some of the issues surrounding it. the second one, the practice of spiritual direction, seems a bit drier. maybe i'll save it for bed time, to help with my insomnia. just kidding.

weird...corey hart's "never surrender" is playing right now on my itunes. i was just singing this song tonight on my bike ride. so completely random. freaks me out when stuff like this happens, though i should be used to it by now. "so if you're lost and on your own/you can never surrender" come on, everybody sing!

or not.

i need a new fiction book to read. i tried using a couple of recommendation sites, but nothing caught my attention. jenna suggested never let me go because of my tendency to have organs removed. maybe i'll look into it...shoot! i just remembered i didn't remember to return my library books yesterday. i think if i get them in before 10AM tomorrow they won't be considered late. need to remember to take them with me to prayers so i can walk up and drop them off. kept thinking all weekend i needed to do that and, well, i didn't. anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. ideally, a paperback would be best for my upcoming travel, but i'll take anything.

according to ups, my new camera should be here on tuesday. it's in columbus right now, so i was kind of hoping it might find it's way here tomorrow, but with processing and all, tuesday seems like my best bet. no sign of the memory card, which is bad because i think i might have to send it back. looks like some of the features on the camera only work with olympus memory cards, which blows, but what are you gonna do? i'm not a big fan of this waiting part. i want to play with it now. at least i'll have it in time for the trip, with a couple days to play with the features.

let's see, plans for the week...we moved house church to wednesday so steve and i could go see hellboy 2 (he got free passes). plus it worked out better for john, so i don't feel so bad. we watched the first one friday night. i like the character of hellboy - reminds me of tom waits for some reason, if tom waits were a large demon-like creature from another dimension. maybe i just have tom on the brain. other than that, that's all i've got. was hoping to pick up a shift or two at the auditorium, but haven't heard word one from jack, so who knows.

well, no grand epiphanies tonight. guess i'll go try and steal some sleep. i'm hoping the ride helped wear me out. was going to take a pill, but someone recommended avoiding them, so we'll try to sleep without. night all.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Willard Grant Conspiracy - River In The Pines
via FoxyTunes

some thoughts from uncle fred

from whistling in the dark...

All "isms" run out in the end, and good riddance to most of them. Patriotism for example.

If patriots are people who stand by their country right or wrong, Germans who stood by Adolf Hitler and the Third Reich should be adequate proof that we've had enough of them.

If patriots are people who believe not only that anything they consider unpatriotic is wrong but that anything they consider wrong is unpatriotic, the late Senator Joseph McCarthy and his backers should be enough to make us avoid them like the plague.

If patriots are people who believe things like "Better Dead Than Red," they should be shown films of Hiroshima and Nagasaki on August 6 and 9, 1945, respectively, and then be taken off to the funny farm.

The only patriots worth their salt are the ones who love their country enough to see that in a nuclear age it is not going to survive unless the world survives. True patriots are no longer champions of Democracy, Communism, or anything like that but champions of the Human Race. It is not the Homeland they feel called on to defend at any cost but the planet Earth as Home. If in the interests of making sure we don't blow ourselves off the map once and for all, we end up relinquishing a measure of national sovereignty to some international body, so much the worse for national sovereignty.

There is only one Sovereignty that matters ultimately and it is of another sort altogether.

Frederick Buechner

to quote the bard...'Twas a rough night.

so i entered full-blown insomnia last night - couldn't fall asleep and then once i did doze off for about 23 minutes, i woke again, unable to fall back asleep. so much for going without the sleep aids i have. i read for a while, watched arrested development for a while, walked around the neighborhood a while, caught up on some correspondence for a while and then went to prayers and started my as usual day. must have been something in the air last night - lots of friends on facebook late last night, saw a couple different postings that people had difficulty sleeping. wonder if some thing was affecting our collective unconscious. i'm feeling ok right now, but am a bit concerned about tonight's flash fiction and being completely brain dead by the time 7PM rolls around. i probably should avoid taking a nap today, but not sure that will be possible. will have to see how i feel this afternoon.

ok, we'll call this next section things i've wanted to write about, to catch up.

first, tom was amazing. definitely ranks up their in my favorite concert experiences. he's the consummate showman and leaves it all on the stage. by the end of the show, his entire suit was drenched in sweat - you could watch the stain slowly creeping down his back. i know a lot of people have trouble with his voice, but it's the instrument God gave him and he knows how to use it. it is a force of nature and the power and emotion he brings to every song is a wonder to behold. definitely worth the price of admission and then some. so glad i got tickets.

brian and i got there a little after 7, about an hour and a half before he came on stage. good thing, since it took us almost that long to get to the front of the merch table. tom doesn't usually sell schwag at his shows, so everyone was getting something, many people buying multiple options. i'm sure ebay is littered with them, unfortunately. i, too, took advantage and bought a shirt (just one) while brian bought one of each design (but he'll wear them). great moment: as soon as brian and i go to the front, the guy manning our part of the table declared it for credit card customers only, even though he'd been doing both previously. frustrated, we made our way to another side of the table. when the guy came over, another fan let us go first, probably after hearing us complain to the merch table guy. we thanked him profusely for his kindness, which turned out to be a good thing since he ended up sitting in the seats right next to us. we then turned around and passed it on, letting some other fans go into the theater before us. quite the eclectic mix of fans, from younguns in shorts and t-shirts to guys and girls dressed to the hilt in true waitsian fashion. the crowd was well behaved (other than the drunk/stoned guy behind us who got a bit belligerent during the show - i thought brian might jump up and bitchslap him) and quite responsive, which tom rewarded by giving us two encores.

tom did a great variety of tunes, leaning heavily on his more recent songs, understandably. the live arrangements were great to hear. his reed player was amazing - like having an entire sax section in one guy. he played tenor and bari at the same time, and played them well, which is impressive to say the least. the other players were solid - nothing terribly flashy, but then they weren't the focus - tom was. favorite moments: cold, cold ground, cemetery polka, eyeball kid, lie to me and of course, time. i've already picked up a bootleg copy of the show - not the best quality and there's some overly enthusiastic woman screaming occasionally, but nice to have a memento to remember the evening by.

wow. that went on much longer than i anticipated. maybe instead of trying to squeeze this into one post, i'll do a couple of others over the course of the day - at least it will keep me awake.

need to walk down to the post office - spent part of my insomnia time this morning writing a couple of postcards to friends i've lost touch with in hopes that snailmail will work where email has not. figured it couldn't hurt to try, right?

will be back later (unless i end up comatose, drooling in my comfy chair) with thoughts on our house church discussion of marriage and divorce and my upcoming trip to the great state of colorado. mmm...mountains....Æ

----------------
Now playing: Priscilla Ahn - Dream
via FoxyTunes

i've entered the 21st century

i spent too much of my day online, researching digital cameras. with my trip to colorado swiftly approaching, i figured i'd better pull the trigger if i hoped to have it to use on the trip. did lots of research, trying to figure out what i wanted, what i needed, how much i wanted to spend. it's not like i'm a serious photographer - though i like to take pictures, i usually find myself too caught up in moments to take the time to photograph them. so i figured i should get something small enough i could keep in my pocket and pull out, instead of something i had to lug around in a separate bag. i found one i liked and decided i wanted to see it in person before buying, so i drove over to best buy and talked to their guy and looked at the camera. in the process, i looked around at some other cameras, ones i hadn't looked at online. the camera i wanted wasn't available at the store (plus, it was cheaper online), so i came home and looked up another camera i'd seen in the store. and to make an interminable story abbreviated, it was cheaper and had the features i wanted and liked, so i bought it.

my new toy

i know, i know. i was supposed to get a canon. but what i saw and read led me to believe this was the camera for me. here's hoping i didn't screw it up. guess i'll just have to wait and try it out. and i promise i won't turn this into a photo blog, though i'm sure there'll be more pictures than there usually are. at least there better be after i bought the thing.

as you can see, i'm still not sleeping much. i hate the machine and the pills ruin my mornings, so i'm kind of back at square one. right now it's not a huge problem, but i'd like to find something before august rolls around. we'll see.

more non-consumer, non-sleep related stuff later. i have all these thoughts during the day i think about writing down, but by the time i stop in here, i've lost momentum. i'll try to do better. Æ

----------------
Now playing: Southeast Engine - Pursuit of Happiness pt. 1
via FoxyTunes

ps i am loving the above band. found them through last.fm. see, good stuff can come out of dayton...

it's the little things that mattter (from 6/27)

like directions to your friend's house where you intend to spend the night. oops. not too worried - i have 7-8 hours to figure it out. first i'm going to kill a couple of hours watching Wall*E. opened today, so i have no idea what to expect except for the brief glimpses i've caught in previews and teasers. been a while since i've seen a movie with little to no prior knowledge.

i'm at the marcus theater in pickerington. last time i was here was with jeremy and friends. not sure what we saw - some guy movie i'm sure. he was in my dreams this week, doing what he did best - being uncomfortably naked. i miss him.

spent lunch with laurie and mel at some bbq joint. decent food, much better company. mel just got back from europe, so i'm not talking to her. laurie had wonderful stories about the girls. lovely, lovely time. catching up made me realize i need to not wait so long between visits. life comes in and fills up the moments when your not watching, leaving you with no place to squeeze in what's most important.

movie's starting. more later.
**************************
mcdonald's, outside port columbus, waiting for brian to call, tell me he's arrived. spent the first hour in my car, reading murakami's norwegian wood. enjoying it more than kafka - not that kafka was bad, i'm just tracking with this story and character more.

i enjoyed Wall *E immensely. a remarkable feat of storytelling without words. i predict it won't be as successful as other pixar flicks, not because it's not as good, but because the public has high expectations for them and are no longer impressed by their animation, which is a shame because it continues to be flawless. i also imagine those on the right will object to its environmental message, even thought that's not the main story line and in all honesty, the weakest part of the film. i could see using this film as an example of showing, not telling. the scenes with Wall*E and Eve were far more powerful and meaningful without words than the talky human scenes. quite the relationship built sans words.

there's part of me that feels the need to despise disney. they're supposed to represent everything bad about entertainment. yet i can't stop the giddy feeling i get when the logo comes up, the yearning to return to a simpler time. i was fairly obsessed with all things disney as a kid, right after my second trip to disneyworld. i was 10. there was an old roll top desk in my room i turned into a disney shrine. souvenirs from my trip. paraphernalia mom picked up at garage sales. i even remember ordering a special set of stamps from some distant country just because they had disney characters on them.

see, my tendency toward obsession started early.

though there's much to hate disney for - their squeakifying of stories and history, their over-commercialization, their decision to abandon hand-drawn animation - i will always have a soft spot for the role they played n my own childhood. which i suppose is what makes them so insidious - they insinuate themselves into your memories, co0opting them. it's probably not as malicious as i make it sound. they're no worse than where i'm sitting right now, though that's faint praise indeed.

brian just called. he's still at o'hare, which is unfortunate isnce he was supposed to arrive here 20 minutes ago. i wonder sometimes if short jumps are worth it - as he pointed out, if he'd started driving when he left for the airport, he'd be here by now or at least closer than he is. i think i'm ok here for now - the cashier told the older gentleman in front of me they don't kick people otu fo the dining room if they're here before it closes. i should go grab my book though - not sure i could keep writing for an hour straight - thought it might be good to try, i fear what drivel might come out.

just walked out to my car - almost too nice out to sit in a/c and wait, thunderstorm watches be damned. yet here i sit, the vinyl seats making the back of my knees sweat. i have no one to blame by myself.

after the movie i went to goodwill to find something to wear to the show. i found a cool blue dress shirt and a wide tie to go with it. i kept this simple idea in mind - what would brian wear? not really sure how i'll change before the show, but i'm sure we'll find an accommodating bathroom somewhere before the show.

currently listening to my 80s playlist, the primary reason for spending hours this summer looking up release dates on wikipedia (all together now...GEEK!). already found a couple of errors - i'm sorry, but cracker did not release kerosene hat in 1989 (that's what i get for trusting gracenote or whatever online database pulled the info). the music makes me a bit wistful, even the songs and bands i didn't discover until after the 80s were over. wish i could say i was listening to galaxie 500 and the jesus and mary chain in high school, but i was too busy extolling the musical genius of stryper. silly, silly boy. according to my ipod, i have 2,885 songs from the 80s, which means a little less than 20% of my collection, compared to 36% for both the 90s and the aughts. but i guarantee the stories connected to my 80s songs are deeper and more meaningful. for instance, right now "wasn't that a party" by the irish rovers is playing. i distinctly remember lying in my bed, listening to my clock radio play this song early in the morning. some radio station from my childhood played it regularly for a while, though i only ever heard it in the morning. strange how memories work.

tired of writing. i'm sure you're tired of reading. off to read some more murakami. Æ

----------------
Now playing: Pulp - Disco 2000
via FoxyTunes

my first time

went this evening down to the speckled bird for the their monthly open mike night. decided it was time to read some of my stuff in public. wasn't sure i would be able to make it, it being house church night and all. but i got there in time and put my name on the list before i could chicken out. wasn't really sure what to expect. the first person sang a couple of folky songs. then angela sang some irish tunes. then someone read a poem they had loved as a child. in between, the mc shared some of her own stuff as well as some stuff from other sources. then it was my turn. i chose four of the pieces i was most comfortable with - a couple of sonnets, some blank verse and my "credo." the first sonnet was a bit shaky - couldn't seem to get my breathing to work. but i soon settled down and read through the pieces. not sure it's exactly what's supposed to be shared at an open mike - much too structured i think for most people. crowd was polite but i'm not sure they followed what i was saying. nothing against them - just not the easiest stuff to listen to. much easier if read. need to see if i have some other stuff to share if i do it again - more free verse kind of stuff. i don't know. i'm glad i did it, but not sure if i liked it enough to do it more.

rode this morning out to mariemont - sublime weather and light traffic. a relaxing ride. took my time and didn't push too hard. am hoping to get back into a semblance of riding rhythm again. still had a bit of numbness today even with the seat lowered, but not as severe as before. tomorrow i plan on riding to my doctor's appointment and then steve and i are supposed to ride around and visit some of the local neighborhoods for a city beat piece (he's writing, i'm just along for the ride). we'll see how i feel tomorrow - supposed to be in 90s. can't complain, though - these past ten days of open windows and breezes have been glorious.

not sure how the doctor's appointment will go tomorrow - will talk to him about my gall bladder problems. could possibly lead to surgery sometime this summer. i figure removing one minor organ every year shouldn't be too bad for a while. watch your back, tonsils, you're next on the list!

at house church we were scheduled to talk about marriage and divorce, but as sometimes happens, we were called away to help someone out. ken o. had a minor accident biking, so steve and i drove out to pick him and laura up. one of the joys of house church is it's flexibility. so we'll pick up the touchy subject next week. it's a timely lesson as i've been once again re-evaluating my stance on divorce and specifically remarriage. lots of personal issues wrapped up in that, so i'm hoping to get a bit of perspective from our discussion, to get some real world perspective to go along with my purely intellectual thoughts.

time to read and try to sleep again. still debating whether the benefits of the machine (which i've yet to really experience) are worth all the hassle it's been so far. and the drugs haven't seemed to do much more than make it hard to wake up in the morning. perhaps i'm doomed to a life of little sleep. there are worse fates.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Wicked Little Town
via FoxyTunes

tuesdays are the new mondays

i always have the best of intentions, much like jimmy buffet, of making changes on mondays. going to clean the house. going to start eating right. going to catch up on email. going to start exercising. but what i usually find, during the summer at least, is mondays are usually spent recovering from whatever i did over the weekend. so then in my mind i convince myself tuesday would be a better day to start whatever is new. by then i'll be more awake, more motivated, the same old same old.

we'll have to see how tuesday turns out.

i had much to recover from this weekend. worked ye olde auditorium gig on friday night with judy for six plus hours. saturday included a thunderstorm-soaked birthday party for becky at the farm, complete with full-blown pyromania and good times with friends. then sunday started bright and early as i got to play bass for worship. always wonderful to play with janet, especially when joined by sandie's and angie's beautiful harmonies. makes me long to play more often, or at the very least bring my bass home and play some here. if only my amp didn't weigh four thousand pounds.

perhaps i exaggerate a bit.

then sunday afternoon we had our BATB party at jim and kathy's out in liberty township. amazing house and backyard, complete with a beautiful pool. good to see the cast again, catch up and see the dvd. not sure when i'll see some of them again - they kept pimping the upcoming hms pinafore auditions, but show week is when our first trimester ends and i think it would be the height of irresponsibility to get into a show, especially since i told lisa i couldn't help with the middle school production because i would be too busy. anyway, good to have a chance to see everyone and the dvd turned out pretty well. now all my friends who couldn't make it can see what i looked like as an eggbeater. if they want.

i topped of the weekend with a trip down to the gypsy hut to see the poms at their last cincy gig for far too long. again i was subjected to the whims of fluid concert starting times. the website said 8:00. the poster said 9:30. the poms went on after midnight. i guess i'm just not cool enough to be on concert-going time. quite the contingent from the 'wood last night and everyone had a great time. the first opening "band" - pete and repeat - was fun in a college music kind of way. he played guitar and sang while backed by his ipod. fun and funny songs. the other group was javelins which i wanted to like more than i actually did. songs weren't catchy enough for me - not enough melody for my tastes. the poms were good, though they seemed a bit tired perhaps. josh has certainly come into his own and his guitar work on one of the new songs they played was impressive. sad that won't be playing here again any time soon, but am happy to have seen them as often as i have and i'm glad they're getting out and getting known. if only i could make the monolith festival at red rocks...

this morning, after prayer and then going back to sleep, was spent trying to catch up on long neglected correspondence. not exactly what i had planned, but at least it was semi-productive. no excuses for not keeping in touch with all this extra time. might even (gasp!) break down and write some letters. i know. scary. though i've said that before and wasn't good at keeping my promise.

ok, time to get on some of that correspondence. and read more of kafka on the shore. really enjoying it so far. struck this morning by this line: "The purity of her beauty gives me a feeling close to sadness - a very natural feeling, though one that only something extraordinary could produce." lovely.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Pomegranates - Thunder Meadow (Daytrotter Sessions)
via FoxyTunes

flash fiction

i volunteered to help st. elizabeth's arts kick off their flash fiction evening and for the past two weeks have moderated the adventure. the gist - you're given a prompt, followed by five minutes of brainstorm time, followed by twenty minutes of writing time, followed by five minutes of editing time, followed by the opportunity to share. the object is to have a self-contained story. fun, no? below is the piece i wrote last week. the prompt was to write a story including the following sentences: "It was all going so well. And then the phone rang." i've left it exactly as written - no after the fact editing. enjoy.

It was all going so well. And then the phone rang.

Now if I had half a brain – which obviously I don’t because if I did I wouldn’t have had my phone on in the first place – I would have ignored it, let the miracle of voice mail take care of it.

I didn’t. Mistake number one.

I felt her questioning eyes on me as I reached into my pocket. Without meeting them, I lifted an apologetic hand and glanced at the glowing screen. Harriet. Of course. Perfect timing as always. I should have slipped the phone back into my pocket, turned off the ringer and whispered, “Sorry about that,” to those questioning eyes.

I didn’t. Mistake number two.

Instead I slid out of the booth. “Sorry, ‘bout this. I have to take it. Work. Special project, due tomorrow.” Why I had to lie should be obvious. Why I felt the need to explain it to my date would require weeks and weeks of therapy. I made my way through the crowded bar to the pay phone by the restroom, took a deep breath and flipped open the phone.

“Harriet.”

“Benjamin”

Awkward pause.

“Need something?”

More silence.

“Ohh kaay…well, it was good to hear from you. Feel free to call back and say my name some other time. I’ve got to…”

“Wait. Wait. Can you talk?”

I glanced over at the table, my date sipping from the Long Island I had lavished on her. “Actually, I’m a little busy at the moment.”

“Oh.” More silence. “OK.” Even more silence. “I guess…”

“What do you want to say, Harriet? You obviously called for something. Just spit it out.”

I know it sounds harsh, but I’d had enough. It’d been six months. You can only carry a torch so long before you’re left with just a smoldering stump. I’d finally moved on and was looking forward to the rest of my life.

I heard her sniff and her face filled my senses and I knew it was bad.

“Mark died.”

And the phone went silent.

And the air left my body.

And the bar turned upside down.

I grabbed a waiter by the arm, jammed a fifty into his pocket and told him to take care of my date. No use going back there now. Mark was dead. Harriet was alone. I knew where I needed to be. I stumbled out onto the neon-lit sidewalk, turned right and headed for what would become my home. Æ

the problem with not doing much with your days is you have little to write about. who wants to read of the mundaneness of your most recent obsession to update your mp3s? who wants to hear you whine about still not being able to sleep? who wants to read about how you're squandering your summer break? not me.

the week has gotten more productive as it's gone one. monday was a wash - i think i literally did nothing productive, which in some cases is fine, but i had a list. i had things i needed to get done. and when the day came to a close, they remained undone. most significantly, i needed to call two doctors to discuss two different issues - my continuing battle with the sleep machine and my forgotten battle with my gall bladder. but lack of sleep kept me from calling and i put it off until tuesday (the upside - i have an appointment tomorrow morning with the sleep guy and next week with my pcp, so at least i'm making strides).

i did cross off another important issue - i got a new tire and installed it on my bike, which i've been needing to do for a while. i also had them "fit" me for my bike and discovered i'd been riding with my seat too high for years now, which may have led to my numbness while i rode. can't wait to get on and see if the changes help. i think the inner tube is still bad, so i'll install a new one, but hopefully i'll no longer have to fill the back tire every time i go riding.

last night's house church was a good and challenging one. we've been looking at 1st corninthians and hit chapter five last night - paul admonishing the church to turn a member over to satan. i thought there would be more resistance against the idea since it smacks of being graceless - how can you deny someone access to fellowship? how will that help them in their relationship with God. but as steve pointed out, we do this all the time with people - we break ties with those who betray our friendship or are co-dependent in some way, as much for our own protection as hopefully breaking their own destructive cycle. been a good series so far, though i'm a bit trepidatious about next week's chapter - marriage and divorce. something i have oh so much experience with.

tomorrow is the second flash fiction night. i've got my prompt idea all picked out - i think, unless something else strikes my fancy. the possibility exists for a larger turn out this week than last, which is great, unless it becomes too unwieldy. i wonder at what point an experience like this too large. hopefully we'll get the chance to find out. i think i might type up my story from last week - i hesitated giving it to SEA for posting on their website, but might turn it over this week. not sure why i hesitated other than it felt like giving up some control. probably should get over that issue sometime.

tonight brandon, steven and nathan came over and we watched a couple of euro 2008 matches. forced me to do some cleaning around the house, something i need to do more often. and since i only seem to do it when forced to, i guess that means having more gatherings at my house. i don't know, though - two in two days seems pretty good. quarterfinals start tomorrow which should be lots of fun.

enough for tonight. need to go wrestle with the dreaded machine again before tomorrow. last night i kept the mask on the entire night, but i still couldn't fall asleep and woke up again after 4 hours, which is the same problem i had without the machine. glory. hopefully they'll be able to give me some hope tomorrow.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Tom Waits - Chocolate Jesus
via FoxyTunes

graduation day

about this time 20 years ago i was graduating from high school. i don't remember much about the ceremony other than it was polite compared to others i'd been to and moved relatively quickly. i have no idea who i sat next to. i don't recollect who spoke. i know i wore a grey robe, but only because i have pictures. i'm sure i wore red socks, since they were my trademark, much like being barefoot would mark me as i got older. my friend steve was valedictorian - i knew him all my life and knew early on he was smarter than me. or at least more diligent in his studies. my friend amy sang a song she wrote for our class, but that's all i've got. for a rite of passage, i don't have much.

ironically enough, many of my fellow classmates are gathering tonight at bar in dayton to celebrate our 20th reunion. initially, i planned to go - i mean, come on, it's my 20th. how often does that happen? and enough time had passed to see how people had changed. but somewhere in the process i lost my desire to go. maybe i didn't care to see how people had changed. maybe i worried about what people would think of how i'd changed. maybe i saw the list of people attending and realized these were not the people i shared my high school memories with. maybe it was the abhorrent grammar and spelling in the far too numerous reminders. but here i sit instead, at home, writing about my graduation day instead of celebrating it.

unlike many people, i enjoyed my high school years. sure there was the normal drama, especially with my wonderfully cheery and optimistic personality. but school wasn't a drudgery for me. of course, perhaps it helps that i remember so little about my time in school. i remember band. i remember show choir. i remember drama club. i remember muse machine. my classes? not so much. not sure if i've just blocked it to spare myself the trauma of the time. only therapy could tell.

they - you know, people who are asked to speak at commencement exercises and the like - they tell you the friends you make in high school eventually fade away and it's the friends you make in college that are the ones that stick. i wish i could prove that adage false, but i only keep in touch with a handful of friends from high school and that only sporadically. scott. steve. amy. i wonder about some. gabe. paul. donnie. deron. but not enough to go searching.

most times high school seems like something that happened to someone else, a tale told in third person. and maybe that's why i'm not drinking with everyone else at gambits tonight - i'd be trying to live someone else's story, trying to connect with people i only know second hand. i know for some, their reunion provided a moment of clarity, a reconnection to who they were. maybe i missed my chance. guess i'll never know. i'll end up like iona's friend in pretty in pink: i'll get this terrible feeling something is missing. i'll check my pockets, i'll check my keys, i'll count my cds and then realize nothing is missing. it's all just a side effect of skipping my reunion.

i should go flip through my old yearbooks, find those pictures, throw in some music from that time (ooh, stryper! INXS!), get a little nostalgia overload. it's the perfect night for it - skies full of thunderstorms, ghosts of the past flitting through my thoughts, just the slightest twinge of what might have been. better than wasting time here in cyberspace...Æ

----------------
Now playing: Teenage Fanclub - Everything Flows
via FoxyTunes

ps seriously, these are the lyrics for the above song. gotta love itunes on random.

We get older every year
But you don't change
Or I don't notice you're changing
I think about it every day
But only for a little while
And then I feel it

I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know
I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know

The wind's blowing in my face
Lately find it hard to keep the pace
And I'm looking for a place to go
But only for a little while
And then the feeling

I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know
I'll never know which way to flow
Set a course that I don't know

double yew tee eff?!

so last night during the artwalk i started to feel uncomfortable - my upper midsection felt distended and painful, my lower back started to ache. i thought i like i needed to stretch or something, but no position seemed to help. i made it home and thought sitting in the comfy chair would help, but the pain continued and intensified, so i did something i usually don't do - i decided to go down to the emergency room. i called kenny and he was gracious enough to drive me down to christ hospital. i went through the regular rigamarole and got inside, the whole time trying not to think about the pain, which didn't go very well. eventually they checked me out, took x-rays, took a urine sample and they came back with...nothing. but they shot me up with a narcotic (which i have to say was glorious), gave me a prescription for percoset, told me to stick to a bland diet and sent me on my way, telling me to call my doctor this morning to set up an ultrasound to check for some kind of stones. too drugged up to ask questions, i left, picked up my prescription, went home, fell into bed and slept for the first time in weeks.

so this morning i wake up, with no pain at all, and call my doctor to set up the ultrasound. the only problem? he's out of town. won't return until monday. and the office gave the impression they could do little about it. if it gets worse, i have the number for a doctor on call, but she has today off. now not only do i not know what was causing the pain last night, but i won't be able to find out anything new until monday. at least if the pain returns i have something to take - of course, if i take them, i'll be stuck at my house, unable to do anything or go anywhere.

can you feel the frustration?

i guess i just ride this out, go on with my day, see what happens. could it be something as simple as something i ate? but (how to put this delicately) everything i've eaten is still in my system. could the narcotic they gave me still be keeping me without pain? is it going to come back with a vengeance? do i need to cancel plans? grrrrrrrr.

ok, enough whining. off to be semi-productive until i go to get my car radio (hopefully) fixed.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Barnabas - Subterfuge
via FoxyTunes

waiting to get my door fixed

people who know far more than i do about garage doors are supposed to be here sometime in the next couple of hours to repair my broken door. keeping my fingers crossed that it's an easy fix for all involved. be good to actually use the auto door opener as intended, even though i'm trying to not use my car as much as possible.

i've tried several times to sit down and write about my experience teaching sunday morning, but the words aren't coming. all i know is the thoughts God gave me certainly resonated with many people there and the entire service felt knit together by God. quite a humbling experience all around. but i hope to write more later, once i find my words.

part of the problem - or at least one of the factors i can point to as being a problem - is my continued lack of sleep. yes, the machine that's supposed to be my ally in my battle with insomnia has switched sides and is now conspiring to keep me awake. this is frustrating since the reason i got the machine in the first place was because i was waking up feeling less than rested. now i still wake up like that, only it's from actual lack of sleep instead of lack of deep sleep. i'm going to give it one more night, which will make it a full week, and if it doesn't seem to be getting better, i'm going to call the doctor and see if i'm doing something wrong or if i'm one of those people who does not benefit from use of the machine. how i long for a good night's sleep...

still trying to find a rhythm to my break. yesterday i did four hours of yard work, in the heat, which meant i was a sweaty mess by the time lunchtime came and did not feeling much like eating. but i got the weeds pulled up for the most part and the lawn mowed, so there's some sense of accomplishment. but the rest of the day was spent recovering for the most part. today has been good as i've gotten some more stuff taken care of, but still i'd like to set aside some time for writing and for exercising and not spend so much time confined to the comfy chair. we'll see what happens.

of course, i would be more active without my latest adventure in time suckage. not that i'm complaining...

thinking i might need to go take a nap, which given my sleep problems is probably not a good idea. but since i'm not sleeping, i'm tired. ah, vicious cirlce, how i hate thee.

odd...i thought i had more to share. it will probably come to me later.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: The Seedy Seeds - Grace
via FoxyTunes

so much for having time to write

second official day of break and this is the first time i've had to sit down and write. ok, not quite true. i've had time, but not the desire. energy. whatever.

school's out. this makes me happy. ecstatic. whatever.

i sense a trend. a theme. whatever.

been an uneventful couple of days, and both included trips to mason, which makes it feel like break hasn't officially started yet. actually, i think it will be monday before i start to really feel it. right now it seems like a long weekend. i did discover something today: i am definitely going to have to find some kind of rhythm to my days. i had great plans today but they were sapped by the unseasonably hot weather. really? 95 in june? isn't that a bit ridiculous? i think so. so much for the yard work i hoped to get done. can't say i miss being a sweaty mess, though. praise God for air conditioning.

from the decisions that may come back to haunt me file: as i went to check out on wednesday, i was stopped by one of the secretaries who asked for my peer observation forms. one problem: i didn't have any. see, as part of our staff development, we were supposed to take one of our plan bells and go observe another teacher teaching in the belief we become better teachers by seeing what others do. and i agree with the sentiment. only, most plan bells i was busy doing other things like, well, planning and grading. and with a student teacher, it slipped my mind. and even though i agree with the sentiment, i didn't care enough to actually do it. fatal flaw, thy name is apathy. now, i could have simply done what some other teachers i've talked to did - simply find a fellow colleague to sign the form for you and turn it in. but that would be lying. so rather than do that, i simply said i didn't do it, which i'm sure will bring about negative consequences of some sort. guess i should feel good about being honest, but actually i don't feel much of anything at the moment.

sunday i'm teaching during our weekly gathering at st. e's. i have a good sense of what direction i want to go, but need to do a little more praying/thinking/studying. not nervous...yet. but i can see it coming. always tough being an instrument of God.

am getting excited about my trip to denver already. alexa called and said there may be the possibility of a camping excursion while i'm there - in wyoming. this was totally rock. i hope it works out, though really, being that close to the mountains will be good for my soul as will seeing good friends.

finally acquired my bi-pap machine. been two nights of misery, but last night was better than the first, so i have great hope it will continue to be better. of course, since the machine is keeping me up, i'm not seeing the benefits of the machine yet. looking forward to the day i sleep through the night with the machine. here's hoping the benefits outweigh the hassle.

went and saw son of rambow tonight. cute. that's the word that comes to mind. good, uplifting way to spend a friday night. much better than most of what's in the theaters now. not sure what the next movie on my list is. did pick up a couple dvds at blockbuster yesterday - bourne identity, waitress and before the devil knows your dead. haven't seen the latter, but heard great things about it. and i like the cast. and it only cost me 3.33, so i took a chance. i'll let you know.

time to fight the machine. i hope it's gentle tonight. will need the energy tomorrow - helping tear down the beauty set and then have chris's party. crazy.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Elton John - Tiny Dancer
via FoxyTunes

five down (almost), twenty-five (at least) to go

one more day with students. two more days of official school business. and now i have to be up there on thursday for some training for my auditorium tech job, but it includes lunch and is definitely worth it. but tomorrow is the last day i have to get up at 5AM for a while. you have no idea how ecstatic this makes me. no, really, no idea.

graduation was an excellent end to the year once again. since the ceremony is held at the cintas center, practically in my backyard, i walked again. and was a sweaty mess by the time i got there. at least this time i brought a towel with me to help with the cool down process. next year i'll have to bring a change of shirts. stupid overactive cooling system.

nearly six hundred graduates this year. i am always amazed at how many of the students i had little to no interaction with. so different from my student teaching experience where every senior was in one of my classes. i wish sometimes i could be a part of a smaller community where we got to know every student. but the number i did know was significant enough to make it a meaningful celebration. so great to see students taking that final step toward...(i almost said adulthood but anymore it's just the next stage of an extended adolescence. now is not the time to talk about that). and so great to see the joy on their faces as they walked out of the ceremony and saw the teachers lining the hallways, high-fives and handshakes and hugs punctuating congratulations and expressions of relief from both students and teachers. it was not the time to wonder what lie ahead, but the time to celebrate what they had accomplished. the future will wait one more day.

i did have one complaint: it seems to me if you spend three to five years of your life getting your masters degree, you should be allowed to wear your hood. if you can't wear it at graduation, when else are you going to get to wear it? i'm just sayin'.

stayed late after school to get as much grading as i could done before the final batch of exams. all the journals and late work are tallied up now. while first and second bell take theirs, i'll be grading the essay portion of fourth and fifth bell. then hopefully during third bell exam (my plan) i'll be able to get through a significant portion of first and second bell's exams. that will leave only their final reading reflection and any late work turned in tomorrow. the goal is to be completely done with grading by the time i step out the door in the afternoon so wednesday i just have to pack up my stuff and get the heck out of the dodge. here's hoping for a smooth transition to summer life.

for any of my faithful readers in the cincy area, i will be teaching this coming sunday morning in our weekly celebration at st. e's. 10:00AM. the question? what is God calling you away from. at least that's where i think God is leading. we'll see.

brian called today and told me he's bought his plane tickets for the tom waits show at the end of june. i need to figure out where we're going to stay - he flies into columbus on friday night and leaves sunday afternoon, so no use driving all the way back to cincy. i'll check with some of the friends we have up there - surely someone will put two wayfaring souls up for a couple of nights. i hope. looking forward to seeing brian again, especially since it will include seeing tom waits, too. we're trying to organize some kind of social gathering before the show. guess i should look into that as well. at least there's time for that.

last night i put together an over the rhine compilation for my friend kurt's wife. i probably should have been grading, but this was much more fun. i took two song from each of their major releases and one live track from besides. i left off the christmas songs. was tough whittling it down. here's the list, organized chronologically by cd (in case someone wants to compare it to what they'd put on such a cd).

If I'm Drowning
Paul And Virginia
Circle Of Quiet
Rhapsodie
Sleep Baby Jane
Bothered
My Love Is A Fever (Live)
Latter Days
Poughkeepsie
The World Can Wait
Moth
B.P.D.
Nobody Number One
Drunkard's Prayer
Who Will Guard The Door
Trouble
Don't Wait For Tom

not a bad retrospective, if i do say so myself. and i do.

ok, time for bed. here's hoping i get everything done. come glorious end, so i might begin again.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Johnny Cash & Nick Cave - Cindy (With Nick Cave)
via FoxyTunes

you! me! dancing!

the title of this post is brought to you by los campesinos! they love their exclamation points.

working the bonnie williams dance extravaganza. been here since noon. it's still going on, though i hope it ends in the next hour or so. nothing like a ten/eleven hour day. but it gave me time to get through some journal, though only half. unlike many groups, this one needed much more personal attention. had to fix the traveler, put in the gobo, and my personal favorite, wire up their chandeliers. have to say, was much easier this year. still, more time than i would like to spend. i know, i shouldn't complain, it's such a cushy job.

the end is in sight. two exam days. one teacher work day. and then summer in all of its glory is upon me. looking forward to not waking up before the sun rises, though i'll still be up early for prayers. at least this summer i'll get to go - no summer courses at miami this time. oh how sweet. though i might see if i can carve an hour or two out of each day to do some writing. and i'm going to try and not drive if i don't have to - will walk or ride everywhere, which will mean a little more planning on my part. but with gas at or above $4 a gallon, i think it will be worth it. started a little this week - met colin at quatman's and walked there. about 4 miles round trip. not too bad. and if i actually get around to buying groceries, i won't get sick of eating at the restaurants in norwood.

and believe it or not i have plans! plans for the summer! alexa emailed me this week and invited me to come out to colorado, which made two invites in less than a week - a sure sign i should go. so i jumped online, did a quick search for cheap plane tickets, found some that were within my budget and voilà, i'm off to colorado for 13 days. be good to be back in the mountains again, and to see alexa and ryan and shannon and paul. now i just have to figure out what i'm going to do while i'm there. don't want to mooch off my friends too much while i'm there. should have time to make plans before july. nice to know i won't spend the entire summer locked in my house....

sounds like the dance extravaganza is ending. probably need to head down and start dismantling everything i set up. i don't think it will take long. at least i hope not. will have to blog a bit more tomorrow, either before or after graduation, which is tomorrow. could be an emotional day. i'll have to let you know.
Æ

now playing: U2 - another time, another place

perpetratin' a little stimulation

glorious "geekend" in wild and wonderful weirvegas. definitely worth the trip. friday was spent waiting for steve to finally arrive, eventually resulting in playing a kim possible video game and for some unexplicable reason, us toasting jeremy (jerry!) with harvey wallbangers (which turned out to be completely appropriate, though we didn't know it at the time. from wikipedia: "The Annual Howie Wallbanger is party held at Hal's Bar and Grill in Venice, California on the Friday before Memorial Day that celebrates the Harvey Wallbanger cocktail." spoooooky). then saturday, after a morning of trading mp3s, we traveled up to pittsburgh, where i engaged in some economic stimulation. my tools of choice:

bubba ho tep dvd
reefer madness: the musical dvd
the muppet show season 2 dvd
the muppet show season 3 dvd

following the stimulation, we headed to primanti brothers to watch the pens/wings game. good time, even though the pens lost. kind of torn since i like both teams - actually would be happy to see either one win (though right now it looks like it will be detroit in a walk...er...skate).

then sunday, i headed over to bloomingdale ohio for paul and shannon's post-nuptial hootenanny. was running late and then got pulled over on the way there (for not having a properly displayed front liscense plate) and then missed the turn not once, not twice, but three times. but i eventually made it. was nervous it would be awkward since i didn't really know anyone but shannon and paul (though i'd met her sisters before), but it was a good time. glad i got to go. at one point, while shannon and paul were visiting everyone, i stepped outside to enjoy the spectacular day. something about the rolling hills of ohio that make me wistful - can my family memory go that deep? anyway, i got to thinking about how i've been feeling hope slip away lately, how the possibility of me celebrating my own post-nuptial hootenanny grows fainter and fainter. standing there, warmed by the late-may sun, i realized it wasn't hope that was slipping away; rather, it was the need to get married for my life to be complete. am i becoming (gasp!) content? perhaps. and i'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. good because obviously i won't be quite so whiny anymore (at least about this). bad because i no longer feel the impetus to find someone, to be searching. i don't know. will have to give it more thought, which i'll have plenty of time to do come next week...

today was fairly lazy. had grand plans to go on a long bike ride. turned into a fairly short jaunt up to jalepenos (where i ran into my friend kristin and her husband) and half price books (where i continued my stimulation by purchasing buechner's telling the truth and klosterman's killing yourself to live). with gas prices pushing $4.00, i'd like to get in the habit of not driving if i don't have to, trying to stay local as much as possible. did that for the most part today, other than an ironic trip to fill my tank ($45.00!). other than that, my day was spent (wasted?) doing very little. which was nice. of course, it makes it quite difficult to get excited about going to class for the rest of the week. but the end is here. and there was much rejoicing.

time for bed.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Big Country - Fields of Fire (400 Miles)
via FoxyTunes

the loss of the great adventure

went after school today with some of the film club kids to see indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull. i was anxious when i read the title; i became concerned when i saw the early pics of the crystal skull; i cringed when i saw shia lebouf would be in the movie and threw up in my mouth a little when i heard he would be indy's son; but these were all rumours and i went into the regal theater in mason with the mindset of an eleven-year-old, the age i had seen the original film, seeking nothing more than two hours of adventure.

i should have known better.

the action lacked visceral impact, the gross-outs seemed half-hearted, the humor was forced and every character was simply a caricature. i had hoped to thrill to seeing indy on the big screen again. instead, it just made me sad. this picture, like its star, is a shell of his old self. the magic and wonder from the early films danced around the edges, but never came to fruition on the screen. and oh my the climax. please. lucas and spielberg's attempts to shoehorn '50s sci-fi into indy's universe failed spectacularly. i kept waiting for crow and servo to pop up in the corner.

more a disappointment than a bad movie, i guess, but still. pretty sure i won't be adding this one to my collection. i'll stick with the originals.

in other news....

five teaching days left. two exam days. one teacher work day. staying focused is becoming more and more difficult for everyone, myself included. not sure i like ending with mockingbird if only because i feel a bit rushed and there's so much good stuff in there i'm afraid they'll miss. but i guess that's why we reread books at different ages. or at least why we should. most of them seem to like it so far. now if i can just sustain the interest after the trial. we'll see.

senior picnic is tomorrow and they called today to ask if i could come out during my plan bell. will be good to see them off. this is a special class because i had some of them both sophomore and senior years. i'll have a slight chance to do that next year, though i'm only teaching two bells worth all year, compared to the six i did this year. makes me sad - i had hoped to do more. but with all the changes in organization, we weren't asked our preferences this year. not sure why my load went down, then, but nothing i can do at this point other than be patient and hope the opportunity comes later.

bought a couple cds this week - old 97's blame it on gravity and king's x xv. enjoying both of them immensely. it's odd - i've not actually listened to my old 97's cd - first time it was out of the wrapper i burned it to my hard drive/ipod and i have only listened to the mp3s. makes me question why i bother buying the hard copy anymore. maybe i'm reaching the point like i did with cassettes where i stop buying cds and only pick up digital copies. am thinking of hitting amazon and downloading a couple things i've been wanting. i'm a little afraid that once i start, i'll never go back. but it has to be better for the environment, right? or something like that.

heading up to northeast ohio/weirton this weekend. a movie party at steve's turned into a trip to weirton and a couple of nights in a hotel. don't ask. will then head over to bloomingdale ohio for shannon and paul's post-nuptial reception. didn't realize i needed to rsvp until last night (ooops) but contacted shannon's mom and it all worked out. makes me happy. of course, after all that driving, i'll probably feel a bit fuelish (sorry, i tried to stop myself but couldn't). and to think not long ago i was thinking $3.00 a gallon was too high. silly me.

started researching hdtvs - someone bought my miami voucher so i have a little extra cash - but will probably be responsible and pay down my one remaining credit card. i know i'll get a new tv sometime, but want to feel a little more settled before doing that. if i could get out of all my debt except for my eternal student loans and my house, i think i'd be much happier. we'll see what i can do. may check into finding a company to help me as i'm a bit wary of attempting the math myself. and attempting to get a lower rate.

ok, enough time here. probably won't post until after the weekend, though i will be taking my laptop with me, so if the hotel has free wifi, i might jump on. that's all for tonight.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Old 97's - The Fool
via FoxyTunes

snippets

exhausted. sick. bloated. emotionally drained. fuzzy from the dayquill.

finished my grading. wishing i could call in sick tomorrow. nose running. throat scratchy.

mason community band blowing in the background. ryan adams in my ears.

nine teaching days remain. ten total.

feeling numb about the end of beauty. will probably hit tomorrow.

seeing tom in june. with brian. floor seats, row r. cannot waits. err..wait.

great story to share. not now. notebook in my strike bag. grrr.

worried about summer. no plans. no ideas. what to do...

missing friends. disconnected. isolated. own fault.

reread microserfs. still great. i miss the old doug. sometimes.

lungs burning. hurts to stand and walk. usual post-show cold.

winebag = greatest party game ever.

intermission. need to be ready for lights. more this week.

Æ

tunes: the dirtbombs - your love belongs under a rock

the show, the test and the overwhelming desire to give into consumerism

the nether realm of the devil and the demons in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment week lived up to its name - getting used to costumes, figuring out tons of tech stuff, having to stop rehearsal early to get out of the theater in time, last minute changes to choreography. exhausting. but thursday came, our first performance with an audience (the ushers from the aronoff) and it went well. then friday came and the excitement carried us through some minor problems and one major one - the dry ice machine used during the transformation clogged, which took away from some of the effect. but the audience enjoyed themselves, which is most important. personally i was off my game - missed steps here, dropped notes there - but nothing major. not like saturday night, when my egg beater costume fell apart during the end of "be our guest." i had to stand there and hold the two beaters during the kickline. couldn't help but smile and laugh. they duct taped it all back together for act ii and it held up well.

i'm always amazed at what causes my heart to sink and what i let wash over me. friday night the errors and problems were minor, but i was far more frustrated with them than i was saturday when the error was much more noticeable. maybe it's because i had control over the first night's errors and they were my fault, whereas the costume malfunction had nothing to do with me (other than my overzealous dancing i suppose). i have always been harder on myself than on others. wish i offered grace as easily to myself as i do to others.

first weekend also meant two cast parties. i was out of it at the first one - wasn't feeling terribly social and ended up lingering around the food table. the long island ice tea i had probably didn't help my mood any. i left early, partially because i had to be up at 6AM for a last minute auditorium gig (jack had to go to a funeral) and partially because i was too tired to socialize. saturday was much better - was at ron's (lefou) house in hyde park and was fantastic. wendy made another amazing cake and they even had a raffle - i won a miniature painting from beauty and the beast of the final frame of the film. very cool. ron and his partner donny have an amazing house - made me feel again like i don't really deserve to be a homeowner. maybe i can work on that this summer.

tonight we start our final run of five shows. i took the day off to prepare and because i had my follow up sleep test to get the CPAP machine calibrated. i had great expectations - have heard so much positive about the results i was looking forward to a great night's sleep for the first time in years. unfortunately, reality did not meet expectations. started off when the technician told me results usually were dependent on the patient's attitude and the severity of the apnea - the more severe, the more efficacious the treatment was. so i suppose i shouldn't be surprised that i spent a restless night since i only have mild apnea. and i guess my attitude wasn't positive enough. couldn't fall asleep, couldn't stay asleep and everytime i woke i couldn't get used to the rhythms of the machine. too aware of my breathing i suppose. woke up tired and sleepy and frustrated. we'll see how it works for a month. hopefully i'll get used to it and it will benefit me. but i'm feeling a bit wary after last night's struggles. the technician also mentioned some other issue that wasn't discussed in my first test - not restless leg but something similar. don't know. hopefully the doctor will see last night's results and have a better understanding. we'll see.

my bush bribe arrived in my bank account last week and i've been wondering what i should do with it. add to that my receipt of a miami certificate and my recent tax returns and my bank account finally looks like a normal person's instead of some struggling post-college, pre-career slacker. used part of it to pay off my debt to best buy (bastards! - sorry, but they royally pissed me off) and will probably do the same for lowe's which will leave me with only one high-interest, maxed-out credit card. would like to sit down with a financial planner, but don't know where to begin looking. and i'm afraid they'll tell me i have to give up things that i like. better to live in ignorance than guilt, right? we'll see. been fighting the urge to splurge on items i don't really *need* but would like to own. luckily, my genetic frugality, passed to me from my garage-sale-loving mom (love you!), keeps me from giving in too easily most of the time.

ok, time to relax before the show tonight. call is at 5:30 for a 7:30 show, which means i should be done early tonight which is good since tomorrow is going to be frantic to say the least. film club tomorrow afternoon and we won't be done until after 4:30 and then i have to drive home in rush hour traffic and grab a quick shower before heading down to the theater, most likely without time to grab something to eat. not looking forward to it. at least we're watching raiders, in anticipation of the new film next week, which should be fun. much better than the abysmal the devil's advocate (sorry nathan, but it was bad). will probably not have time to post again 'til post-show. thanks for being patient. back soon, probably to complain about having nothing to do this summer yet...
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Los Campesinos! - We Are All Accelerated Readers
via FoxyTunes

welcome to the nether realm of the devil and the demons in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment week

i must do this now, while my state of mind is such that i can actually string words together into sentences without ending up blithering on and on. yesterday began the run up to opening night this coming friday - 3 1/2 hours of loading set pieces and flats onto the 53 ft. semi-truck in preparation for load in today, which meant spending the afternoon flying the plethora of set pieces up and out. five hours and i could have stayed longer, but i already know i'll be getting no sleep this week, so i figured i would take it easy tonight and relax. tomorrow my students will take my into the wild test and tuesday we'll finish watching the film (edited courtesy of the filmslayer). and wednesday starts mockingbird. should be loads of fun. now if i can just find time to mow my lawn...

found the free movie pass i thought i'd lost last night, so i used it to watch iron man. excellent comic book flick. robert downey jr. gives a marvelous performance as tony stark. brilliant casting, that. wasn't supersaturated with cgi, which helped in my enjoyment. and the cgi that was there wasn't distracting. helped that the screenplay moved along quickly without the minimum number of typical comic book hero cliché. saw it in a mostly full theater, other than the four seats immediately to the left and right of me. guess no one wanted to sit next to the scary bearded guy in the third row. more room for me, though it did feel a bit awkward at times. didn't help that i was seated directly under a light. i'm sure it looked hilarious. kept reminding me of the "alternate lifestyle" comment from baby mama.

truth is, i've been feeling a bit isolated lately. mostly my own fault - sometimes i'm so comfortable being on my own that i don't think to invite others along to do things. i always assume everyone else has plans already so it will do no good to ask/invite (please, spare me the assume speech). i can't decide if my ability to be alone is a blessing or a curse. sometimes i feel it's a gift of freedom. sometimes i feel it's a prison of selfishness. right now i feel afraid i've fallen into a place of comfortableness with no impetus to change. i fear it's too late now for me to change and the odds of me finding someone to break me out of my cycle of singleness are slim to none. this isn't hopelessness - at least it doesn't feel like it - but more a realization of reality. but i haven't decided if it's an unchangeable reality.

ok, need to go and try to wind down, catch up on some waiting emails before all the nether realm of the devil and the demons in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment breaks loose. see you....sometime.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: My Morning Jacket - Gideon
via FoxyTunes

comedy is hard

went to my second mainstream hollywood comedy in a week - last week was forgetting sarah marshall, this week was baby mama. for those that know me (and who else would be reading this), these are not my normal choices for films, though fsm, being an apatow production, is more up my alley. watching these two films and thinking about them afterwards led me to agree with the masters - comedy is hard.

i enjoyed myself watching both movies - genuinely funny moments where i laughed out loud and probably rather boisterously. but then afterwards...i questioned just how much i enjoyed them. and i questioned their overall quality. this is probably why i would make a crappy reviewer - i tend to overthink things. isn't it enough to enjoy yourself while watching the movie? isn't it enough just to laugh? but in both cases i caught myself halfway through the movie realizing i didn't buy it. i didn't care at all if peter ended up with either girl because, honestly, i didn't think he deserved either girl (and no, it's not penis envy, thankyouverymuch). and if you couldn't figure out how kate and angela's story was going to end, you just weren't paying attention. i guess that's why i found both movies ultimately unsatisfying - as a series of moments, they were entertaining; as stories, they left me wanting.

confession: if i had to rank them, i'd put baby mama ahead of forgetting sarah marshall. not sure why - maybe it was steve's presence. maybe i find tina much easier on the eyes than jason. who knows. so there. guess they'll take away my elitist card now.

you know what else is hard (please keep your jokes to yourself)? endings. neither film had a satisfying ending to me. writing an ending is tricky business - most of the time they feel like the easy way out or tacked on. rarely do they feel like a part of the story. why do we find it so hard to finish our stories? why are the ideas strong, but the execution weak?

too much thinking for a friday night.

favorite moment from the movie tonight: when kate's mom referred to her being single as "an alternative lifestyle." both painful and funny because it's true.

my life, my normal life anyway, ends this weekend, at least for the next two weeks. load the truck tomorrow, load in at the aronoff on sunday then rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal with audience and show, show, show. i'm exhausted already. i know i'll be in heaven once i'm in it, but i'm dreading it a bit right now because i know it's going to take its toll on me. i'm not so young anymore. sleeping would help, if i could do that...

...speaking of which, i got the results back from my sleep study. turns out i have mild sleep apnea. i wake about 18 times an hour (healthy is below five, i think). the good news is it's not the dangerous kind, and it's definitely treatable. they gave me three options - surgery, a mouthguard or a CPAP machine. i'm opting for the latter - my friends who have had them swear by them. the tricky part is figuring out when i'm going to be able to go in for the calibration, another overnight stay. probably won't happen until after the musical, though i suppose i could squeeze it in on our two nights off. will have to take another half day - or maybe a whole day. we'll see. at least i can see the light at the end of the tunnel - or rather, the darkness that will let me sleep again.

mom and dad came down to cincy for the flower show last sunday (which they said was horrible and overpriced, in case anyone wondered) and so i introduced them to dewey's pizza and spent some good bonding time. mom found some .99 copies of microserfs which she brought down for me and i picked one up and started rereading again. sometimes i think it's stupid to reread since my list of books i still need to read is so large. but then i got to thinking maybe it's like friends. sometimes it's good to go out, meet some new people. but sometimes you just want to spend time with people you know, people who get you and who you get. it's like that for me with books - sometimes, i just want the familiar instead of the new. enjoying rereading microserfs - amazing how far we've come computer-wise since it came out in 1995. can it really be that long already?

did i mention i'm old?

enough for a friday night. need to go catch up on my backlog of tv, which is only going to get worse the next two weeks. and get some sleep. night.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Stryper - Loud 'n' Clear
via FoxyTunes

saturday

woke up early - early enough to turn on my ipod and lie in bed for an hour before getting up. today was the first time i could make one of the scheduled work days for beauty. good thing too, since each cast member is required to put in at least five hours, so i had to do it all today. since the weather had been so spectacular the past couple of days, i decided i would bike down to the warehouse. i worked out a fairly easy path on a lightly traveled road and headed out. it stormed early in the morning, but was merely cloudy by the time i left my house. took only about 30 minutes. which, unfortunately, meant i had to wait outside for 30 minutes until someone arrived to let me in. i'm sure i freaked out the tenants of the apartments who kept driving out of their gated garage. there were only a handful of us there, so we spent our time painting the sets and set pieces. hopefully we got enough done, though it sounded like this week was going to be quite busy for our tech crew, made worse since from now on we'll be rehearsing at the warehouse and taking up their space.

not sure if i'll bike tomorrow - feeling a little tired after my first ride of the season. but it would definitely help the parking situation. still officially on my mini-break, so no school stuff tomorrow, i could theoretically do it, but not sure i'll to leave that early to get there on time and then ride home afterwards. we'll see how i feel tomorrow.

tried watching a couple of "significant" films tonight i dvr'd this spring - nashville and the great dictator. wasn't in the mood to watch either of them. so instead i pulled out my newsradio season four, the one with my future wife lauren graham in it. such a funny show. jon lovitz was in the first episode and he rarely fails to make me laugh. something about his delivery kills me every time.

actually, not feeling much like writing at the moment. think i'll go watch some more newsradio before falling off to sleep. night.
Æ

----------------
Now playing: Archers of Loaf - Sick File
via FoxyTunes

neglect

a week goes by. nothing to write. sad, no?

due to the student government state conference taking place at mason, we did not have school today. and i took a personal day yesterday, which means a wonderful four days of freedom. and i couldn't have picked a better couple of days, weather-wise. a little warm for my tastes, but then my "scandinavian" blood finds anything above 70 to be too warm (disclaimer: i have no idea if i'm scandinavian or not - i just prefer cooler temperatures). spent some time doing long-neglected yardwork, which i'm sure made my neighbors happy, as the grotto was looking quite shabby. i've decided i'm not a very good home owner - i lack basic landscaping ability, i am unable to do anything handy and i abhor housework. it's too late now, of course, but maybe i'm one of those people created to rent, like chris from northern exposure (see "Dateline: Cicely", episode 3.11).

my sleep study was last night. fairly uneventful. couldn't fall asleep, woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night (once with a pillow resting on my chest), couldn't fall back asleep, woke up exhausted. so the doctors should have an accurate account of what most of my nights are like. odd sleeping all wired up, but that wasn't why i couldn't sleep. i just hope they were able to discover something so i'll have a direction to head, even if it turns out not to be physical but mental. glad i did it when i didn't have school - would definitely have been late to classes and not in a good state of mind. i wonder if they'd let me watch the videotape of me sleeping. i often wonder what kind of sleeper i am.

people are screaming outside tonight. and there were rumours of weed in the air. that time of year i suppose.

saw forgetting sarah marshall tonight. good film with funny moments. i could have done without the numerous sex jokes/scenes. not sure why it bothered me when other films like it (40-year-old virgin, knocked up) didn't. part of it was the writing - they seemed forced. funny at times, but they didn't come out of the characters or the story. at least i didn't think they did. and i didn't think the main character deserved either of the girls in the film, so the ending was a bit unsatisfying. but i will say this: paul rudd is a genius. stole every scene he was in.

going to spend the day tomorrow at the warehouse putting in my 5 hours of set work. haven't been able to make any of the other work times and this is the last one. think i'm going to ride my bike - directions make it look doable. of course, odds are i'll get caught in the rain that's supposed to come tomorrow, but maybe i'll get lucky. hard to believe april ends next week and the play starts in two. where oh where does the time go?

interesting conversation going on in blogdom about the church and finances and bivocational pastoring. go here for a place to start and follow the links. it's a topic near to my heart, having heard the call of God to leave full-time ministry almost ten years ago now and still struggling with what that looks like for me. i know i took the right journey, as difficult as it was at times, and while i'm not sure there's an ultimate destination, i am sure God has traveled with me and i am where i'm supposed to be. and in the end, that's all we can ask for. those posting bring up many good points and while i don't agree with all they are saying, it's comforting to hear echoes of the thoughts i've wrestled with.

seriously, the screaming can stop any time.

yesterday i had the opportunity to go as a liaison with the st. elizabeth arts foundation to talk with some norwood students about what they would be interested in doing. just happened to work out that i was off and could go. great conversation, but a little sad. most of them have great disdain toward norwood and cannot wait to move out, claiming the school and the community doesn't care about the arts. and judging from the stories they shared, i don't blame them. but then i remember being the same way in high school - i couldn't wait to get out of ohio. and yet here i am again. i'm not sure we'll get them to stay, but we can at least help make them feel their talents are important and appreciated. it sounds like there could be interest in doing some kind of summer production. a musical might be a bit ambitious right now, but possibly some smaller. or even some shakespeare. will have to see what comes of the debriefing tomorrow.

you know, this would be much easier for my readers if i spread this out over the week instead of waiting until friday night and posting an eternal entry. but didn't feel much like posting this week until now. doing it tonight because of the copious amounts of caffeinated beverage flowing through my body. no sleep for thurman tonight.

was reminded today that sometimes it might be good to be married. this struck me as i was wrestling with my queen-sized mattress, trying to flip it before putting my freshly-washed sheets on it. not an easy thing to do on your own. probably a good thing no one could see me. i felt the bible mocking me - two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. but pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

truer words were never spoken.

did i mention the screaming? it's 11:30, people. geesh. makes me wish i had a tranquilizer gun. or a small concussion grenade.

ok, time to go get my battlestar fix. no promises on when i'll write again. hopefully it won't take another 1/2 a fortnight.
Æ
----------------
Now playing: Josh Ritter - Girl In The War
via FoxyTunes