i believe (incomplete)

i believe in the Apostles Creed,
though i prefer the language of the Nicene.
i believe God hides in every moment
if we look hard enough.
i believe grace beats karma every time.
i believe love has the power to transform our lives
and make of them far more than we can imagine.
i believe the need to figure it all out
pales in comparison to the mystery of faith and life.
i believe in coyotes and time as an abstract…
no, wait, that’s what michael stipe believes.
i believe we only know ourselves
when we have given ourselves to others.
i believe all art
– music, poetry, theatre, painting, writing, sculpture –
reflects our Creator.
i believe nothing i have belongs to me
but to Him who gives abundantly.
i believe we squander this gift of life given to us
if we cannot laugh at ourselves.
i believe chivalry and romance are not dead,
but may be heavily sedated.

Æ

question

is it morally justifiable to shoot a dog that shits in your yard with a paintball gun?

more importantly, is it legally justifiable?

just checking.

forgot to mention in my last post...it's official...i'm heading to las vegas at the end of july. couldn't think of a good reason not to, other than i hated it the first time. and that was sixteen years ago. and i'm a much different person now than i was then, for better or for worse. now i just have to make sure i budget enough money to make it truly enjoyable. won't do much gambling, but will need money to cover entertainment expenses - shows, food, travel, etc. already sounding a bit more expensive than i first thought, but shouldn't be too bad.

another one bites the dust...veronica breathed her last bit of banter last night. no grand finale, lots and lots of unanswered questions, but the final image was an appropriate one, especially given the shows noir leanings. farewell to veronica, keith, mac, wallace and to one of the smartest, hippest shows in the past decade. should have known it would never last. network tv is becoming a barren wasteland again. guess i'll have to hold on to my digital cable a bit longer...

pomegranates play tonight with chris garneau. will be going, even if i should really be staying home and grading. will do some before i leave tonight, but can't pass up the chance to see the band again. and i liked the song chris had on the paste sampler, so could be a great night for music. here's hoping they start and finish on time. otherwise, it could be late night number three this week.

later.
Æ

tunes: old 97s - question (how's that for symmetry?)

coming down

come words, confound this lethargy within my head. shake out these thoughts so i may organize them into some semblance of coherent speech. break through this block and help the words to come.

ah well. thought it might help. no such luck.

on the natural downswing after the highs of the weekend. spent time with my friend kat. finished midsummer. saw morrissey. and now we crash. and i don't really have the time to. now is not the time for wallowing (is it ever?). too much to do. post-production blues are a luxury i cannot afford right now.

and still i can't get my head to clear.

midsummer ended well - two great performance, excellent crowds, who seemed to love what we did. going to be weird not to see the gang for a while after spending so much time with them. makes me anxious to do more. falcon's a great company - wonderfully collaborative, good people to work with, good chemistry. you don't always get that in community theatre, unfortunately. i won't miss the sweating, but will miss the jacket. here's hoping there's some good photos of it somewhere.

morrissey last night was amazing. kat's a huge moz head and was giddy for most of the day, lingering about the tour bus before the show hoping for a peek. after people watching and commenting on the oddness of midwestern morrissey fans, we made our way to the balcony and our seats. kat was amazed at the lack of anticipatory energy before the show started and the relative cool reception the opening act received. seemed par for the course in my concert going experience - the opening act is rarely why people are there. ran into a lot of the aspects of concerts that keep me going so often - too much coming and going, too little space to move around, too many people showing up after the show has already began. the concert started and the audience in the balcony, at least on our side, stayed seated. at first i joined them, not wanting to be the annoying guy "ruining" the show for those behind me. but then the broke into "panic" and i decided, screw it, default position at a concert should be standing and enjoying the music. they don't like it, they can stand themselves. so kat (who had no qualms about standing) and i stood for the next 90 minutes while morrissey crooned, backed by a kick-ass band. very impressive. his interaction with the audience seemed a little half-hearted, but the boy can still sing. exhausted, we waited around to see if he would sign stuff afterwards. no such luck, but we were close enough to realize doug was wrong when he said he had a big head. a great night.

lovely to have kat around for the weekend. she helped quite a bit to stem off the inevitable letdown i get after wrapping a show.

need to get busy finishing the research papers - independent novel projects come in tomorrow, which means TWO major assignments i'll have to get busy grading. these last three weeks are going to suck. but it will all get finished somehow - it always does.

i know i have lots more to write about, but i have to go catch up on some correspondence first. been horribly negligent. more later if i find the time and desire.
Æ

tunes: friends of lizzy - if it's wrong

not tired

rain falls, breeze blows, perfect sleeping weather. so why am i in front of my computer screen just before midnight?

better here typing then lying under covers wishing for sleep.

talked tonight about silence and solitude and how important it was for our relationship with God, our identity and our love for our neighbors. and then we realized we hadn't practiced it in quite a while. so easy to let life take over, find our identity in what we do, our busyness instead of our relationship with our Father. jones claims our purpose on earth is "be still and know that i am God." and yet we find every excuse to fill every waking moment. i challenged us to simply find ten minutes this week to be silent. doesn't sound like much, but you have to start somewhere.

beginning to question the wisdom of posting my sonnet. maybe a public forum isn't the place for it. i know there's nothing wrong with it, but perhaps i should avoid the appearance of "evil." i don't know, i just found it amusing to write. and how often can you work pubescent into iambic pentameter?

gina's issued an ultimatum - i have to let her know by friday if i'll be going to vegas in july. leaning towards going - not like i'm doing anything else this summer. plus, i'll finally get to see the grand canyon - second time there, first time seeing it (see this post for details on earlier disappointments). and after a month of blood-letting, i'll need a break, right?

rest of the week at school should be easy - we're watching TKAM, which means i'll be spending my time trying to finish the research papers (which are absolutely horrible. lowest grades ever. i suck as a teacher), knowing TKAM essays come in thursday and independent novel projects next tuesday. hey, at least i have 19 days to get all this done (i'm trying to put a positive spin on our latelatelatelatelate release this year).

an era ended tonight - gilmore girls is finally through. good final episode - lots of stuff that made the show great, like snappy dialogue, quirky characters, cool music. they didn't tie up all the loose ends, which i appreciate because life rarely does. be sad not to see the girls on a regular basis, but at least now that the show is over, lauren will finally be free to marry me. or have me arrested for stalking her.

we learn the fate of veronica on thursday (thanks alison for giving me hope). from what i can glean from a quick google search, it will either be canceled, renewed or re-imagined. i'll be angry with the first choice, ecstatic with the second and wary of the third. but better the third than the first. if they do re-imagine it, we'll fast forward four years to where veronica is an agent for the fbi. no news on former cast members following, though hard to imagine veronica without keith around. and i would love to have mac around some more. just one more day to wait.

ok, guess i should try to sleep some tonight. hope it comes sooner than later.
Æ

tunes: teenage fanclub - i don't want control of you

stürm und drang

note: i got bored during the vocab test on friday and began to reflect on how difficult it is to pay attention in school at this time of year, especially if you are a teenage boy. suddenly, this sonnet spilled out. imagine shakespeare as a horny teenageer and you'll get the idea.

stürm und drang

i wonder where to rest my wand’ring eye
as i peruse this fresh pubescent throng
such supple skin such coltish milk-white thighs
to linger long my conscience warns is wrong
but everywhere i look distraction waits
inflaming this strange feeling deep inside
she calls my name! i’m lost in dire straits
if i do stand my shame i cannot hide
oh cursed nature! why in heaven’s name
am i surrounded by temptation sweet
while secret dark desires I cannot tame
enfold my soul embarrassment complete
expecting thought from adolescent boys
is all for naught when hormones thought destroys
Æ

there should be a law

no motorized yard work before 9:00AM. i actually would prefer before 10:00, but i'm willing to make concessions. makes me want to stick my speakers in my window and blast my hairband mix.

sorry, not much sleep last night.

for the curious, i've gotten over the review. as was pointed out, it's one guy and he was predisposed not to like the show. and my lack of mention tells me nothing of my performance - though my reaction tells me quite a bit about my own insecurities. but i suppose if i didn't care about my performance, i wouldn't be much of an actor.

rehearsal thursday was a bit subdued, but we kicked the heck out of it last night. some of the cast felt the audience was a bit unresponsive, but i didn't feel that at all. and everyone said they enjoyed it. susie came down from westerville to see the show and brought some of her youth group peeps with her. chris was there, too - good to see them both. great when friends come to see you. will have more tonight. which reminds me, i need to do some cleaning.

trying to decide if i should go see spiderman 3 today or not. there's a show at 12:30, which would put me home by 3:30 - plenty of time to grab a nap before i have to head down to the show. not in a huge hurry to see it - pretty sure i'm going to be disappointed since most of the negatives i've heard are my pet peeves about big budget movies. but i'd like to make the judgment for myself. of course, if i don't go, it means i could spend more time in my hammock - and it looks to be a perfect day for that.

been reading palahnuik's latest - rant. the main character reminds me of Grenouille from perfume - some similar oddities. i love chuck and his willingness to stare at the grotesque with a smirk. it's actually quite a horrible story - a man responsible for spreading a virulent form of rabies throughout the world - but it's told as an oral history, meaning you get the story from several viewpoints, some not trustworthy. i found it, remarkably, at the norwood library. good read so far, though i feel a bit guilty since i should be grading papers.

damn. i told myself i wouldn't think about that today.

been listening non-stop the last week to the the hold steady, especially their cd separation sunday, which i borrowed from kurt. great stuff and perfect for the onset of summer. they're performing at southgate monday night and i would love to go, but i get the sense my need to get grading done will outweigh my need to see them. ah well, my own fault for not being more diligent. but i've been a bit distracted, what with the play and all. not an excuse, but...ok, it is an excuse. and not even a good one.

looks like i'll be doing the OWP this summer - seems everything is paid for, which is really what i wanted. not thrilled about losing most of my summer to it, but everyone says it's cake, so hopefully it won't be too bad. and i get to write, so maybe i can shake some of these ideas out of my head finally.

still thinking about vegas. i toyed briefly with turning it into a road trip, but with gas prices the way they are, it would be much cheaper to fly - though certainly not as much fun. need to figure out when i have to decide so i don't drag this out too long. an analogy keeps coming to mind - i occasionally retry food i decided i didn't like, just to see if my tastes have changed. maybe i should do the same with vegas. i'm a much different person than i was at almost 21 and, so i hear, so is vegas. hmm. decisions, decisions.

enough. need to get ready for visitors.
Æ

tunes: the hold steady - cattle and the creeping things

torn

the citybeat review is up:

http://www.citybeat.com/current/onstage3.shtml

and now i don't know how to feel. is it better to be mentioned in a bad review or not mentioned at all? he slammed the lovers, praised bottom and the mechanicals and completely ignored me. was i that bad that he couldn't even bring himself to be harsh? or was i that forgettable that he forgot to even mention me? or perhaps his editor read his review of my performance and decided it was too mean and it would be better to not say anything (ye olde thumper rule)? regardless, i'll have to wait a bit longer to get my first official review. i had hoped to at least get noticed. as it is, i gained less attention than the costumes. i suppose it's what i should have expected.

at least gina will be happy with the review, as it will vindicate her belief that we've bastardized the bard.

off to grading hell.
Æ

tunes: old 97's - let the idiot speak

strangeness follows

something odd is in the air. everyone i talk to is having difficulty sleeping. teachers at school. students at school. becky and gina at housechurch tonight. and my battles with insomnia are well documented.

and my emotions have been a bit off this week, as evidenced by my previous posts. they're not wrong, per se, just shifted a bit. things that normally bother me aren't. things that normally slide under the radar are sending up bright flares. an odd week.

should be heading to bed, but alas, when i look for sleep, he is far in the distance, waving mockingly, letting me know he's there, but won't be anywhere near me soon. not necessarily complaining as i have the new palahnuik book to keep me company, which, surprisingly, i found at the norwood library yesterday. pretty much fits the mood of the week.

i'm trying not to be sad about losing two of my favorite tv shows this season - gilmore girls and veronica mars. my tuesdays will certainly be much freer. gilmore probably needs to end before it completely jumps the shark - though the past two episodes have rocked. and veronica is only dying because of those damn pussycat dolls - why spend money on a well-written, well-acted show that no one watches when you can do a lame reality show that the american public eats up.

gosh, i hate the masses sometimes.

written earlier today, while i let my students journal outside in the beautiful weather....

we're outside today for class because...well, i really didn't have a reason other than it's a beautiful day outside and i wanted to be in the sun. plus, i find it helps to break up the routine whenever i can. i suppose if challenged i could find a way to tie it into mockingbird. we are talking about tom robinson's death and we are near a fence - but i doubt i'll be asked.

sounds like i'll have quite the crowd saturday night at the play. steve, brent and his mystery guest, gina and joyce, mom and dad, students, susie - nearly half the capacity (ok, so i exaggerate). hopefully they'll all get tickets. doubt it will be a problem. wonderful to not have rehearsal last night - not that i was in anyway productive, but good to have a night free.

addendum: might be even more people there on saturday. guess i should carve out some time to, oh, i don't know, clean the house. and then kat is coming in the next week to get her moz on. you'd think i had a social life or something.

we'll not talk about all the grading i have to finish, ok? i'd rather not send myself into a spiral of panic.

gina's trying to get me to go to vegas in july with some of her coworkers. i've been resistant to the idea, mostly because my first (and only) experience there was painful. and depressing. and i have no idea what i'm doing this summer, since sharonville is no more (sniff). guess it will come down to deciding if i want to spend the money. and i think i'd feel a bit guilty, since most likely i won't be able to make guatemala work and then to head off to the land of debauchery....wrong, right? ah these pesky moral dilemmas i work myself into.

little response to my offer for free music. only a haiku from ang so far (in an incredibly cool card, but still). seriously, you don't know what you're missing.

was hoping putting words to the screen would make me sleepy. only served to jumpstart my brain. guess i'll have to rely on chuck to break me out of this - or draw me so deep inside i don't notice or care anymore.
Æ

tunes: frank and bono - i've got you under my skin

preshow lethargy

feeling down about my performance, mostly because i don't feel i am doing enough with the character. last night after the show we went to claddagh and recapped the evening's performance. all the hilarious bits were mentioned - none of them were mine. here i get the opportunity to play one of shakespeare's most enjoyable and beloved characters and i blow it. but at least the show as a whole rocks, which is what it's all about, right? citybeat was here last night, so we'll see what kind of notice we receive. i fear my first real review might be ugly - or even worse, i might not be mentioned at all.

low self-esteem much?

good, relaxing and productive day. awoke far too early - 6:30 - especially since sleep stayed away until after 1:30. but at least i didn't have to get out of bed. and i didn't. stole away to jalepenos for cinco de mayo and successfully avoided a detour to half price books. enough to read already and not enough time. spent some time in my hammock (finally), but it was a bit chilly to be truly comfortable.

disturbing dream last night about shag carpet, friendship and mass suicide. i wrote it all down but haven't decided whether it is blogworthy or not. we'll see how i feel tomorrow. or possibly tonight if there's no revelry.

speaking of dreams, i was asked this week which on i'd most like to see come true and the first one that came to mind was...i want a daughter. but then i couldn't explain it. and it seems a bit weird. i'm not sure why a daughter and not a son or even more generically, children. i just know whenever i've thought of having children, they've always been girls. this needs more pondering, but not now. now i hve to go get my puck on. here's hoping for a more than adequate job...
Æ

second act lull

show goes well. we've been anxious for an audience and this one has not disappointed. so good to hear laughter at our bits (no, not those bits). quite satisfying. our energy has been good and there have been no breaks or stumbled lines - at least none i've been aware of.

i know of two friends in the audience tonight - renee and mandy. i hope they are enjoying themselves. hopefully i'll get to talk to them once we have restored amends. some students are coming tomorrow, which should prove fun. we'll see if they like - or understand - the play.

there shall be reveling tonight, which i will happily be joining. no plans but the play tomorrow. may help the barr's move if i'm feeling up to it. if the weather's nice, i hope to finally relax in my hammock. for now it merely dangles from the trees, mocking me.

time to be a silent observer of the play with an play. good night unto you all...
Æ

opening night

show just started and so i wait for my entrance, quite a way away still. strange not to be going on - i actually hate the waiting, i'd much rather get out on stage, be there from the opening lines. i feel stuck in-between - not quite thurman, not yet puck.

there be metaphors in these words....

need to sop and focus and make sure i transform. i have no rituals, though maybe i should. putting on my jacket usually is enough. though i'm already sweating. but then that would happen even if i was wearing only a speedo - which, thankfully for all those involved, i'm not.

off to break an apendage. more, perhaps, during my second act lull...
Æ

i feel jesus in the clumsiness of young and awkward lovers

this is my favorite lyric right now.

sunday evening, 9:00, and i am ready to go to bed. may end up wandering there halfway through this message. up too late, up too early, too much activity this weekend. think i'm going to pay dearly for it tomorrow.

friday night i went to the over the rhine show at the 20th century with some friends from school. i almost didn't make it - fell asleep after school and had gina not called, i might have slept through the whole thing. glad i didn't. ellery opened - really can't say much about them. their singer was sick, so i don't know if that's how they sound all the time or not. but they didn't leave much of an impression, not enough to warrant picking up a cd anyway. as for otr, i really enjoyed the concert - karin was in full voice and i enjoyed all the new stuff they did, though they didn't do anything from before ohio, other than "latter days." i understand why, but still. have i mentioned how amazing their drummer mickey is? worth the price of admission just to watch him play - great energy, and he just looks like he's having so much fun up there.

had a moment of disconnect after the show. it was the first time two of my friends had seen over the rhine play and they were giving their impressions of the show. both of them thought they were amazing (no suprise there). but they had one complaint: not enough mention of God or Jesus. and i really had no response. not sure exactly what they were hoping/looking for, though one of them mentioned the need to give witness at every opportunity. and i know this probably makes me a heathen, but i don't see why they should say anything. they are not there to preach, they are not there to "save souls." they are there to do what God has blessed them with the talent to do - play and sing amazing music. i don't expect lawyers to give their testimony in their closing statements. i don't expect business men to stick Jesus in the middle of their powerpoint presentation. why would i expect musicians to talk about God or Jesus at a concert? they are already all over their music - no need to be repetitious.

sorry, just bothers me. and it's not the first time i've had that "concern" raised.

then last night gina and i headed down to the southgate house to the sheds cd release party, though mostly to see pomegranates, who were backing them up. such a fun show - i especially liked the seedy seeds. great little duo (well, trio if you count their ipod). must find out more about them. had my usual frustration with yakkers at the show. wish it didn't bother me so much, but for the love of all that is holy SHUT THE F*** UP!!! or go somewhere else. annoys me that i have to move to get away from them - and if i say anything, i'm the jackass.

again, sorry.

before the show started, jacob and joey from pomegranates came over to talk to gina and me. we'd both given some money to help them finish their ep, so they came over to say thanks. see, class. i swear, if these young gentlemen don't hit it big, there's no justice in this world (not that i actually think there is, but you know...).

only bad thing: show didn't end until 1:15am. yoi! but much much fun was had.

finally got my hammock up. and have already taken a nap in it. should be lovely, once i have time to actually use it.

it's play week. last week in the theater was....rough. i think the general note of the week was "suck less." we're getting there - just a couple rough spots, which i think we ironed out this afternoon. i had a little concern over my costume - they wanted me to wear my own suit, which is NOT at all who puck is. i talked to julie (our costumer and our hippolyta and one of the fairies - welcome to community theatre) and met her on saturday at the costume shop. i won't spoil the surprise for those of you coming to the show, but let's just say, my suit shall be staying in the closet. can't believe we open in five days. so much has happened since i fell in with this crew of patches, it feels like months have passed. and yet it seems like such a short time. i'll be sad to see it end.

ok, the lack of sleep and the mowing have taken their toll. off to bed.
Æ

tunes: nina simone - i want a little sugar in my bowl

free music!!!!!! well, mostly free....

looking for some romantic music to play in the background at your next dinner party? need some music to get you going in the morning? ever felt the need to get your groove on but didn't know what to play? then have i got a deal for you.

as i'm quite proud of the music mixes i put together for sarah and brad's wedding, i wanted to share them with you, my loyal readers. you'll get two mp3 cds filled with 136 total songs:

at last - the quieter collection. designed to be played in the background during the reception dinner. a mix of jazz standards and more indie-leaning love songs.

dance monkey dance - my attempt at playing DJ. a little swing. a little 70s funk. a little 80s new wave. and not a chicken or line dance in sight.

but of course, there's a catch. you'll have to trust my mad mixing skillz - a song list will be included with the discs, but you won't know the songs until you get the package in the mail. so don't bother asking for a list. consider it part of the adventure.

so how do you get to have your very own personal copies to enjoy for years and decades to come? well, it's going to require you to do something nearly unheard of here in the 21st century: you have to write me some snail mail. yes, that's right, you're going to have to sit down with a piece of paper and handwrite me a letter. no, you're not imagining things - i said handwrite. step away from the computer screen, find that pen in the couch and write me a letter. what you write on is up to you; the only requirement is that it's at least one full page. a small price to pay for over seven hours of music.

once i receive your handwritten letter, i'll be sending you the discs. i'll provide the jewel cases and a cover and song list. you just provide some words.

my address is at the bottom of this message. hope to hear from some of you soon....
Æ

thurman allen ii
1739 courtland avenue
norwood, ohio 45212

tunes: josh ritter - kathleen

emotionally wonky

this is the phrase i used with kat last night and it seems an appropriate description for how i've been feeling the past couple of days. could be chalked up to the fact that neighbors have decided to loudly voice their displeasure with one another between 1:45-2:00am the past two nights. could be i haven't been eating well since, well, since i stopped fasting with jeremy's funeral. could be the wick's aflame at both ends, with some extra burning thrown in the middle for good measure. could be it's just part and parcel of who i am.

so what makes me wonky? mostly comes in bursts, 15-20 minutes at the most. quite intense and a bit disconcerting to say the least. like hot flashes, only an emotional response instead of a physical one. what emotions, you may ask? loneliness most often. euphoria occasionally. sadness once in a while, with some general amusement sprinkled in. and no, i'm not on medication and no, i don't think i should be. i've been down that road and it's not one that works for me (though i'm sure some would argue differently).

so please forgive me if you've had contact with me the last couple of days and i've been rude/distant/odd. nothing personal, i swear.

anyway, we're in final full week of rehearsals for midsummer. moved into the theater last night and were completely off book - no prompting. wasn't too bad - just a couple of rough spots. at least i know where i have to woodshed before tomorrow night. the speeches i have - it's when i have to do dialogue (well, as close to dialogue as puck gets) that things get....wonky (it's my new word). being in the space helped a lot. and in case you needed more incentive to come and see me, i'll be doing a doowop number in the middle. yes, it's as scary as it sounds. serious show choir flashbacks. scarier still that it came back so quickly....

good check tonight at house church - we're starting to talk about spiritual disciplines and how they help us move from intellectual "knowledge" of God to a more mystical and experiential knowledge. and in the course of the conversation, gina pointed out a quote from nouwen:

In the spiritual life, the word "discipline" means "the effort to create some space in which God can act." Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up. Discipline means that somewhere you're not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn't planned or counted on.

ouch. here i am talking about spiritual disciplines and i've filled my life so full with school and the play and other stuff. need to work on that.

and i should probably start with getting more sleep. i hear the rain beginning to fall outside - hopefully that will keep my neighbor's arguments inside tonight.
Æ

tunes: aztec camera - do i love you?

back to your regularly scheduled blog posts

a stunning sunday afternoon outside and here i am in this dank little hole just off the auditorium at the middle school. with the musical this weekend, we were short handed, so i stepped in to help out. otherwise, i probably would have begged off. extra cash = good. missing out on a beautiful earth day = bad.

thought i might get an early jump on my research papers, but find myself not in the mood. so i simply graded the handouts i'd had the students finish in my absence and updated their grades. SOOOO many of them are failing, mostly because they haven't done their research papers. i expect to get a couple of panicked phone calls from parents this week wondering why their student has a 4.02%.

yes, that is an actual grade.

so yesterday, after nearly five months of trying, i finally got to sit down with my friend amy (bender) willmann from high school. we met up near the dayton mall at a place called rusty buckets. spent about three hours filling each other in on the past 18 years or so. eerie the way many of our stories paralleled one another. i actually drove up as her and her husband bruce were walking in and we immediately recognized each other, even with eighteen years of changes. physically we may look different, but our spirits, our essences are the same and were instantly recognizable. surprisingly, we talked very little about our time in high school - most of the time was spent with what God has done since then. kind of nice not to have to rehash old memories, if that makes sense. i'm looking forward to staying in touch and not letting another 18 years slip through the cracks. amy's spirit is infectious and definitely someone i want in my life.

this weekend was the prayer vigil for the restoration of st. e's. i "volunteered" for the 4-5AM slot, which wouldn't have been bad had i gone to bed before 2AM (i got caught up in a project). but the space was beautiful, as always, and my time was too. when angie walked in i thought she had come in early, only to look at my phone to see an hour had already passed by. God reminded me of the significance of st. e's to norwood and the importance of our stewardship. and it was good just to spend that much time in prayer. made me wish we could logistically, somehow, keep her doors open all the time. i know that's probably impossible, but how great it was to be able to enter into that space and be alone with God. i couldn't make it to the closing, but from some of the artifacts left behind, it looks like God did a lot of talking this weekend. here's hoping we can turn that into action.

i feel like i'm at the beginning of a marathon sprint to the end of the school year, only i'm already exhausted. i knew getting into the play that it would squeeze my time even more than normal, but didn't realize the toll it would actually take. i haven't cleaned my house in forever. i haven't bought groceries in even longer than that. someone this week asked me when i take time for myself and all i could think was when i'm in the car driving to work or driving to rehearsal. hard to carve out a sabbath when you keep yourself this busy. i believe it will all be worth it when it's over, but right now i feel like bilbo - too little butter spread over too much toast. going to have to be careful.

had my tests this week, trying to figure out the strange pain i've been having. x-ray was clear - my heart and lungs are in excellent shape. the upper GI found a minor hiatal hernia, but nothing that would have caused the pain i felt. the ultrasound did find a shadow in my gall bladder, which is what i suspected. my doctor wasn't sure if was actually stones, but said it was near the opening and could be responsible for my symptoms. i'm supposed to call a surgeon for a consultation, but i get the feeling it's going to be more me watching what i eat more than anything else. at least i can put my mind at ease that it's nothing more serious.

oh, and in preparation for midsummer, i am beardless once again. just in case you were curious.

time to go check how many more dancers are left. they thought they might get out early, but i get the feeling that was just wishful thinking on their (and my) part. but at least i won't be here until 11:30 again. here's hoping my week goes well.
Æ

tunes: daniel amos - theo's logic

my debauchery-filled wedding weekend - the final chapter

seriously, my recap is now longer than the actual event.....this is it, i swear.

so after piling out of the limo, we wandered in and i immediately looked for denise, who was in charge. i heard music playing, so i assumed rory had made it over safely. first song i heard: luna doing "sweet child o' mine." excellent. i found denise and went over to the table to make sure everything was in order. seems sending rory for that month allowed them to be able to start it without me. glad i named the playlist "dinner music" instead of something creative that they wouldn't have been able to find....

turns out i did an excellent job with the music selection - lots of compliments. much of the dinner was spent playing "name that artist or song" around the table and most of the people (at my table at least) were impressed by the variety and depth of the selections. was fun to see the reactions and to hear songs i love being played - and to find out others loved them too. my table was basically the non-family wedding party - groomsmen and shannon and i. great conversation, lots of fun. no seating chart, which i think worked out well. as paul pointed out, you should just let water find its own level - people do a good job of organizing themselves.

again i took the opportunity to imbibe - seemed appropriate considering the circumstances. went with a couple more cosmos to go along with another amazing meal. such rich food - a week later, i'm still not sure i've recovered completely. not that that's a bad thing....

we had to keep things moving because, well, paying customers who had reservations were coming in at 5:00. so we did the toasts and speeches and "games" as we ate. somehow i ended up playing master of ceremonies for the afternoon - good thing i'm comfortable thinking on the fly. paul and shannon gave heartfelt toasts, the best man and matron of honor gave words of wisdom, the parents welcomed the bride and groom to their family. but in a last minute addition, ben upstaged them all with a witty, hilarious and touching toast to both sarah and brad. high point of the reception for sure.

then came the dancing.

we started off with sarah and brad's first dance - louis armstrong's "la vie en rose." lovely choice. then came the parent's dance - in a final hour decision (sarah called me at 11:30 wednesday night before i left), i cued up the choice - ray stevens doing "in the mood" as a chicken. absolutely hilarious. glad everyone jumped right in and went with it, otherwise it could have been disastrous. i'm sure there's great footage on the video - keep an eye on you tube for it.

the rest got off to a bit of a rough start mostly because, well, it was 3:30 in the afternoon and far too bright for most people to feel brave enough to lose their inhibitions. and no disco balls or colored lights to distract. but as the music continued, and the lights were dimmed slightly, the crowd started to gather. i've noticed it's usually children that really jump in, as if as we grow older, we lose our ability to give in to the beat. well, that and much of the crowd came from a nazarene background, where any sense of rhythm is bludgeoned out of you at a young age. as i've been told on several occasions that i shouldn't dance, my intention was to man the table, make sure everything went smoothly, thinking that would keep me from the dance floor. no such luck. shannon made sure i (and many others) didn't stay a wallflower. i figured weddings are the perfect place to embarrass yourself, and i'm sure i did. but i had a great time. i even slow danced to etta's "at last" with shannon and OTR's "fool" with sarah. never really done that much in my life - maybe three, four times. helps having beautiful partners.

again, seems my musical instincts were good, which was a relief, dance music not really being my forte. but i ended up proud of my playlist for both sections. maybe i should make a job of this.

then again, maybe not.

eventually, five o'clock rolled around and we made a hasty exit, walking back to the church. we were quite the sight, in our tuxes and bridesmaid dresses and wedding dress. lots of honking and shouts of congratulations. lots of goofing around. lots of time left in the day to celebrate, which we took advantage of. we stopped by the church to pick up our stuff, then wandered down to sarah's soon-to-be-old apartment and changed clothes to continue our revelry. the plan - to hit as many adult-beverage establishments as possible. we started at a place called the dark horse - 'twas paul and aaron and jason and shannon and me and, a little later, sarah and brad. cozy little neighborhood bar. but they were closing early for a private party, so we wandered out and hit kildare's, an irish pub/restaurant down the street. there, i decided to go ahead and have some more alcohol, this time in the form of a buttercream martini. or rather, two. ohmygosh were they amazing. good thing i don't do this all the time, otherwise i'd be fat and broke (well, fatter and broker). probably my new favorite drink. we hung out there for an hour or two, eventually losing people who had to head home to take care of pets or who had to, oh, i don't know, consummate their wedding vows or something. part of me liked that brad and sarah hung out with us. part of me thought, "wow, i so would be elsewhere if i were them." somewhere toward the end there they came around and offered us free shots of jamison, which we gladly accepted.

by this time it was down to three of us - paul, shannon and me. we decided it was too early to call it a night, so we headed down south street, i think looking for someplace for shannon to dance. me, i was just along for the ride. south street is quite the place - a lot like high street in columbus, but with a lot more activity late at night. a light rain had begun to fall, so we stopped in a couple of places, one being beyond the wall, where i purchased a william shakespeare action figure for my classroom (with quill action grip!). we walked by a place called fat tuesday with dance music pumping out, but shannon turned up her nose, so we kept on walking, eventually taking a break in some hole in the wall bar, where i topped off all of my other drinking with something called a tie me to the bedpost. how can you resist a drink with a name like that? so for those keeping track at home, that's two cosmos, two buttercream martinis, a shot of jamison and a tie me to the bedpost - more alcohol in one night than i've consumed in the past six to nine months. maybe longer.

finally, shannon's desire to dance outweighed her disdain for the scary fratmosphere of fat tuesday's, so we went in. i have to say, i'm not sure i see what the draw is - too crowded to dance, everyone in their own little world and music that did little to move me (though i was happy to hear two of the songs on my own wedding playlist). shannon later explained that it was still too early (only 11:15) and that this was far too "urban" for her tastes. didn't help that she got dirty looks from the moment she walked in (probably because she walked in with paul). so we didn't stay long, which made me happy.

things are a little blurry after this for me for what i'm sure are obvious reasons. we ended up at yet another bar, where paul and shannon had a night cap and i tried to not fall off the backless stool i was sitting on. eventually, we walked back to the church, where i got into my car and drove back to the hotel (and yes, i was fine to drive home - enough time had passed and i'd drank lots and lots and lots of water). i did a bit of journaling about the day (which i won't be sharing, sorry) before falling asleep, praying God would protect me from the hangover demons.

which, thankfully, He did.

epilogue: sunday was all about getting sarah out of her apartment. i met paul and shannon at sarah's apartment and eventually the newlyweds joined us as well. for the next four to five hours, we shoved the remaining odds and ends into whatever trash bags and containers were available. then, in the middle of the last nor'easter of the season, we loaded everything into everyone's cars - two minivans and three cars (so much for only having just a little bit). not how i had planned on spending my sunday in philly, but was glad i was able to help. even got to spend some time with sarah, which we spent dissecting exactly why i was still unattached. verdict? i'm too passive. and my default position is wrong - i assume no girl would like me instead of assuming they would. but this we already knew. and i digress. we ended the evening at a diner near their new house in the northwest suburbs. a great ending for a wonderful weekend. great to catch up with old friends and to make some new ones.

whew. i thought i'd wouldn't have enough for more than a couple of paragraphs. boy, was i wrong. i'll be back to my usual self-centered posts soon. gee, aren't you lucky?
Æ

tunes: jet - are you gonna be my girl?

my debauchery-filled wedding weekend - part two

i really didn't mean for this to be this long....

since it was a morning wedding, everything started early, though i found myself wide awake well before my alarm. took the extra time to leisurely eat breakfast and then make sure i had everything i needed for the day - tux, my beloved rory for the reception music, change of clothes for after the wedding. drove myself to the church rather than wait on others, allowing me to set my own timetable after the wedding, which became important later. arrived around 9:15, to find only one groomsman there. so much for pictures at 9:30. turns out everything was running a bit behind, so pictures for the guys before the ceremony. i panicked for a moment, wondering if i should be with the rest of the bride's side, but was assured it was ok.

you couldn't have asked for better weather - blue skies, air cool enough to comfortably wear a tuxedo, soothing breeze. someone's prayers were obviously answered. some had bandied about forecasts calling for snow, but not a flake was to be found (outside the wedding party, of course).

my phone rang twice before the wedding. first time was from bookbinders, wanting to know if i could drop off rory before the wedding so they could have her set up. unfortunately, they called 25 minutes before the wedding and there was no way for me to get her there. so i pretended my phone was off and figured we'd figure it out later. the second was from sarah - or was it shannon - letting me know they were outside and needed me to join them. turns out sarah had a separate tie she wanted me to wear to differentiate me from the groomsmen. must have looked like quite the sight as meg and shannon held up her train and she handed me the tie. eventually we got everything together, made sure brad wasn't around and headed into the church.

the ceremony itself, other than being a bit behind, went off without a hitch - well, other than the intended one. everyone looked lovely, people cried (especially when brad read the part of the liturgy talking about watching over ben and began choking up), people laughed. everything a good wedding should be.

then came the post-cermony hoopla. lots of waiting around. lots of pictures. a little odd having my picture taken with the rest of the bridesmaids - the photographer had never dealt with a bridesman before and i think it though him off a bit. there's one picture with me standing with my arm around sarah while the other bridesmaids gather around us. i get the feeling it's going to look like i am the groom, which could prove to be loads of fun if i get a copy ("yeah, this is my first wife...").

then it got a bit....weird. see, the groomsmen and i were headed out to bookbinders, a few blocks away. but then we noticed the limousine just sitting there, waiting to take the bride and groom and bridesmaids to the reception. so in a rare fit of bravado, i asked the driver if it would be ok if he drove us to the reception. he said sure, so we climbed in the back, feeling pretty proud of ourselves. after a while, though, we realized we'd been in the limo for quite a while, so we asked the driver where we were headed. turns out, he was taking us to the wrong bookbinders. we explained to him that was the wrong one and were headed back when someone's phone rang. it was brad, wondering where we were. somehow the phone got handed off to me and i ended up talking to brad's mom, who had made the arrangements and was under the impression it was a one shot drop off deal. i explained to her i had talked to the driver and he had said it was ok, which seemed to allay her fears that there would be an extra charge. we all felt a bit sheepish but really, we hadn't done anything wrong. and, it would have been the bride who'd have gotten lost if we hadn't found the error, right? we all agreed that i would take the fall if anything bad happened - i mean, i'm from out of town, so not like i'd have to deal with it all the time.

and time escapes me, so we'll have to take another break, where i'll talk about the reception, how my music mix turned out and the post-reception activities....
Æ

tunes: the beastie boys - body movin'

my debauchery-filled wedding weekend - part one

let me start by saying i hate driving on the east coast, where every gas station is 2-3 miles off the freeway and they rarely have fountain drinks. the midwest is far more road-trip friendly.

now, on with the recap.

the drive to philly went relatively well, other than an ill-advised mapquest detour through newark, delaware to avoid a $3.00 toll. lost about half an hour, if not more. and some idiot who decided to tailgate me in the right lane for my entire trip around baltimore's outerbelt. made me itchy to do more road tripping. maybe this summer. we'll see.

i checked in to the embassy suites out by the airport around 11:30 thursday night, twelve hours after i had left mason. when i dragged my stuff to my room on the first floor, i discovered, instead of the usual sleeper sofa in the front room, i had had a lovely conference table with a white board on the wall. caused a bit of consternation as i wasn't sure where steve (mahan) was going to sleep. turned out this was a non-issue, as steve canceled on shannon early that day. i eventually ended upstairs on the third floor, where it seems everyone else was, helping put the final touches on the wedding favors (heart-shaped measuring spoons with clever sayings on them like "a pinch of tenderness" - i can't make this stuff up). sarah, shannon, meg and julia then loaded up to pack the last of the stuff at sarah's apartment, leaving me to find bliss in hotel sheets.

the next morning i wandered into the breakfast buffet and found three generations of the farrell clan - judy and chris, andy (err....drew) and julia and their adorable offspring. chris and i made plans to head out to the the tux shop for a final fittings - a good fifty minute drive. but on the way we had to stop by sarah and brad's house to drop off the stuff from sarah's apartment - which i discovered was not even close to being all (but more on that later). so we dropped off judy and sarah's apartment and headed northwest toward the house, me doing my best magellan imitation in the middle of city i'd never been.

it's always an interesting prospect watching someone you love marrying someone else, especially if you haven't had the opportunity to meet their future spouse. fears are amplified - what if you don't like them? what if they turn out to be some kind of jackass? would you tell them? or would you swallow it and hope for the best? luckily, this wasn't a problem. brad is exactly what you hope for - a fun, intelligent man who adores sarah and loves ben. i worried the meeting might have been awkward given the history of sarah and i. but other than the typical first introduction stiltedness, brad and i hit it off. made the weekend much more bearable and enjoyable.

anyway, we unloaded the stuff, then headed to the tux shop. on the way home, i mentioned to chris that the only thing i had to do while in philadelphia was get an authentic philly cheese steak. somehow this turned into a detour in the middle of rush hour that led us to geno's, with only about 45 minutes before the rehearsal was to start. not ideal, but i'm glad i went - though i'll never be able to eat a "philly cheese steak" outside of philly ever again. and i was told later that geno's isn't even the best. guess i'll have to make another trip.

for those who haven't been following along at home, my official role in the wedding was that of bridesman - mostly like being a groomsman, only i stood on the bride's side. didn't seem that odd to me - i mean, i guess i could have stood on brad's side, but that would have been awkward since i didn't meet him until the day before the wedding. but it seemed to throw some people off. lots of questions on just how it would work, but really, the only change we had to make was making sure none of the groomsmen had to "escort" me down the aisle. little odd to walk down that long aisleway by yourself, but really, it's lasted about 15 seconds. and what's a little sacrifice for friends?

the church was st. peter's in downtown philadelphia. built in 1761 (!), it was one of the more unusual churches i've ever been in. instead of pews, they had what looked like penalty boxes, designed to sit families all together - like a booth without the table in the middle. people faced each other, which might seem odd in a church until you realized that while the pulpit from where readings and homilies are given was at one end of the church, the eucharistic table was at the other end. so you could shift as necessary. shannon and i decided it would be a great place to play sardines....

the rehearsal itself went quick once we finally got started - poor brad got stuck in friday afternoon traffic and was about 50-60 minutes late (and, as you can imagine, a bit frustrated). shannon and i ended up doing a reading from the velveteen rabbit together, which sarah asked us to do, oh, when we arrived for the rehearsal. it was the scene between rabbit and skin horse about what is real. good stuff. because the rehearsal got a late start, we only ran through the ceremony once, but everyone seemed to get it. so then it was off to the rehearsal dinner at the hyatt. most people drove over, but shannon and i decided to walk over. turns out ours was the wiser choice, as it $12.00 for parking and we arrived about 10-15 minutes before everyone that drove.

one of the first things we discovered upon arrival was that both of our name cards included "and guest." but since neither of our dates could make it (i think mine was supposed to be brent), we ended up playing musical tables and accompanying one another. shannon also helped me out at the open bar, always an intimidating prospect, since i don't like beer or wine and i don't drink often enough to know what to order. knowing i am a girl-drink drunk, she recommended a cosmopolitan, which ended up being my drink of the weekend. the meal itself was amazing and i got to know some of the rest of the wedding party, which helped since, really, i only knew sarah's side of things. it ended up being a fairly early night for me, because i rode with chris and judy and the mingledorff's and when they left, so did i. little awkward as they discussed who all had and had not gotten married. i just kept to myself and tried not to draw attention to my lingering singleness. then it was to bed in anticipation of the big day....
Æ

tunes: ministry - everyday is halloween

stealing moments

plan bell, everything's copied and this may be the only time i have this week to post. so figured i should at least stop in.

rory finally returned to me yesterday after a long absence. at first i thought i missed it - she came via usps and a note was left saying i could pick it up today. but the postman was still in the neighborhood, so i thought i might get it from him. turns out he had already taken it back to the post office, so i walked down and picked her up. then i spent most of last evening putting together the background dinner music. not your traditional wedding stuff, but i like it. have 68 songs at the moment - been listening to it to see if the songs work. will probably just shuffle, unless sarah would prefer a set order. next up is the dance music, which will be trickier. definitely not my forte, though i should be able to put something decent together. won't be too much from the last decade, but most of us are around my age so i don' t think it will be a problem.

afraid i'm not going to get everything done this week - so much to do, so little time. have to do some laundry. have to finish the music. have to pack. have to get lesson plans together. have to make dinner for house church tonight. have to have something to talk about for house church tonight. have to have to have to. it'll all get done somehow, though i get the feeling there won't be much sleep over the next week or so.

went to the doctor last thursday - been having these strange episodes where my diaphragm tightened up and my lower back ached. happened twice early in the morning, but happened the saturday before my birthday in the middle of the day. i pop a couple of ibuprofen and lie down and feel better, but figured i should get it checked. doctor didn't find anything wrong initially - heart ekg is good, blood work is good. so i get to go in a week to get an ultrasound (watch me be pregnant), an x-ray and an upper GI. best guess: gall bladder. dad said he had similar symptoms when he had problems. here's hoping it's easily taken care of.

read the following from dickinson to my classes yesterday - seemed appropriate.

My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

saw grindhouse friday night and all i kept thinking was, "jeremy would have loved this." i think i actually enjoyed rodriguez's half more than tarantino's. he gave himself over to the genre more. and as kurt mentioned on the way out, tarantino has some pacing problems - he's often too enamored by the sound of his dialogue. i had similar issues with jackie brown (though not with kill bill, strangely enough). definitely not a movie for everyone - they jump right in and play around with the genre, splashing enough blood and gore around for three or four movies. but such a great night at the theater - two for the price of one and everyone in the theater seemed to be having a great time. i know i was. not the most spiritual way to spend good friday, but i certainly appreciated the distraction after the week.

kat asked me last night how i was doing and i honestly feel fine, though i think it might be because i haven't allowed myself to process it. or i'm knee-deep in denial. i get the feeling the 9+ hour trip to philadelphia could seem even longer. i used to worry that i wouldn't be able to help someone else grieve because i'd never really lost someone close to me. and now that i have, i'm not sure i'm any better off than i was. i thought there'd be that moment of "ah, now i understand what people go through." but i'm still as foggy and discombobulated as i was when i first heard. maybe wisdom will come later.

well, i've wasted enough time here. half an hour more and i can go home. still no idea what i'm doing tonight for house church. maybe God will drop a meal on my doorstep....:)
Æ

tunes: nick drake - cello song

love one another

happy birthday, jen, my favorite sister. i still swear you're the smart one in the family...

maundy thursday, which angela this morning informed us means "mandate thursday." and our mandate? "Love one another." appropriate for the week, for if jeremy's life demonstrated anything (other than a refreshing lack of tact), it was this need in our lives to love and be loved. i pray this week will encourage us reeling from his death to take on that quality of jeremy's life - to not let friendship languish but to keep in touch. it's a lesson too easily forgotten.

i feel a need to scatter words to remember jeremy, but find my pockets mostly empty. in the meantime, read this and this, which capture much of who he was.

break is nearly done, what break there was. though honestly i cannot complain - i saw more friends than i would have and spared myself days wasted alone in my house. and had this not happened over break, i would not have had the freedom to go to the viewing and the funeral. friends are insignificant and irrelevant to the school - you are only free to mourn those bound to you by blood. at least i was spared this frustration, which i know many others were not.

i've not give much thought to what i would want at my funeral, but i know some things i do not want. though i despise it myself, i suppose there's no getting around my body being present at the viewing - some will need to see me to begin mourning. all i keep thinking is, more wake, less art exhibit. not sure how that's done - maybe it's all in the amount of alcohol....

and while i like flowers and appreciate their beauty and symbolism, i think there are better ways to honor my life than something that will wither within the week.

then there's the funeral itself. repeat after me - no open casket. if the casket needs to be there to give the pallbearers something to do, fine, but don't prop me up on fluffy pillows like i'm simply taking a nap. and since i'd prefer to be cremated anyway, no need for some fancy casket - again, money better spent elsewhere.

and this i cannot emphasize enough: MY FUNERAL IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU TO GUILT PEOPLE INTO SALVATION. i understand the desire to do this. i understand you have a captive audience. but this is not the time, nor the place. let your guiding thought be comfort in this world, not fear of what lies in the next. there is a better than decent chance that if this happens at my funeral, my spirit may return, ala the monkey's paw, and take those responsible to Jesus and let Him explain to you why it's in bad taste.

ok, i'm done ranting. sad that i can twist something like a friend's death into my own soapbox. i'm sorry, jeremy - you deserved a better remembrance than this. though somehow i think you might agree with most of this....

need to go put Christ's mandate into action, call some friends, show some love.
Æ

tunes: john prine - day is done