final thoughts

on my way to usher in the new year with elizabeth. i leave 2005 with some haikus from yesterday's walk around mt. airy and a prayer from thomas merton. goodbye 05. here's to 06.
Æ

***********************************
luminous she seeks
darkened corners desperately
needing connection

gnarled fallen fingers
stretch to touch the stilled waters
lost beneath the leaves

i'm looking forward
hoping the past won't sneak up
to steal what waits there

cuts left by lovers
seeking immortality
heal year by rough year

do you feel these scars
callously inflicted by
our selfish passion

white blurs mistaken
for mere humans running through
your forest stillness

our violent natures
lie splattered against nature's
peaceful solemness

in my solitude
reminders assail my thoughts
of our falleness

how long will it take
before fallen majesty
deteriorates

blackened former life
shows what lies just below these
multicolored leaves

an idea forms
wishing to be whispered to
distance unaware

barren winter woods
breathe secrets unheard amidst
autumn's lost glory

you watch curious
unmoved waiting wondering
whose stare will break first

i climb the stone stair
stopping for lack of breath while
destiny divides

i will never love
another, i swear, until
her eyes eclipse yours

these spidered limbs creep
from beneath this web of leaves
dessicated, dead

trees full of dead leaves
whisper rejections to the
jealous forest floor
***********************************

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain
where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You
does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that
I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that
desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the
right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I
will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the
shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and
You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thoughts in Solitude

Tunes: david bowie - young americans

kong, part ii, or son of kong....

was going to do this a reply to peanutdowns thoughtful post, but figured if others were like me, no one would actually read the reply (i usually only read my own comments....).

obviously my communication skills were lacking during my previous post. i enjoyed kong. a lot. it was what i expected it would be. probably one of the better films i've seen this year, and certainly one of the best "blockbusters" i've seen in a while. and peanutdowns makes the excellent observation that the story was deep enough to be open to a variety of interpretations. i guess when i said "bare minimum of a story," i meant....well, not sure, exactly. maybe it's just because i know the story already and it didn't go much deeper than the original. not that it had to, of course - it is a remake, after all. i felt the story was much like bilbo at the end - like butter scraped over too much bread.

and i'm not convinced my post was meant to be a literary look at kong, more a personal response to what i saw. trust me, i can do the literary thing. but this wasn't what that was. or not what i intended it to be. it's what i felt more than what i thought.

and why do i feel the need to justify what i said?

as for the other part of the post....maybe i should have labeled my question rhetorical :) for those not following along at home:

"i mean, if a 25 foot tall gorilla can get a girl like naomi watts to like him, why can't i?" You must first learn to love yourself before anyone else will.

which raises the question, do i love myself? i've often been accused of self-loathing, justifiably on certain days. but i don't imagine that's something unusual for most of us. and my default position seems to be self-deprecation - the old idea of do it to yourself before others do it to you. so i don't doubt it seems like i don't like myself very much.

And I don't believe it's the way you were raised
or the cards you were dealt
or a poor self-image
I think you love yourself too much

this probably comes closer to my problem - i love myself too much. i honestly am quite happy with the person i am - in many ways i've become exactly who i've always wanted to be. and i am surrounded by people who like and love that person, too. so maybe i should just stop my bitching and moaning and get over myself.

good advice, indeed.

my disconnect comes because i've yet to love (and here i'm speaking romantically) someone who has loved me back i have too many amazing friends to believe i am unlovable. but i've never romantically made the connection. but that has more to do with other failings on my part - attracted to the wrong women, cowardice, a penchant for giving up too soon - than the idea that i don't love myself.

and maybe i love myself so much i've set my standards too high.

geesh, like i want to think about this stuff now - i'm on break, for crying out loud :)

nothing planned today - literally. should probably give the grotto a good cleaning since it's become apparent the work i was going to do around here is not going to happen. yesterday's shopping excursion was painful - my head felt like i'd spent the entire day taking a standardized test. but i did get a christmas tree - probably should take it out of the box and set it up, make sure it's what i want. will probably take tomorrow and go on a hike in the morning - hopefully the weather will cooperate more.

and i still haven't decided what i'm doing for new years. probably should get on that....
Æ

Tunes: old 97's - am i too late?

score another one for the alpha male

yeah, i know, i have issues.

saw kong tonight. pretty much what i expected - excellent effects, the bare minimum of a story, actors doing their best to react to a green screen. would have been worth the money i spent had we not chosen to see it in the director's hall (which is the biggest freaking rip off in the world, but that's a story for another time). so a good movie. not great, but good.

however....

maybe i put too much thought into this (ok, just remove the maybe), but i couldn't help feeling this was a story about the power of the alpha male and how it is this that women want, not the namby pamby guy. kong is the quintessential alpha male - takes what he wants, treats the girl as something to be possessed, talks little, shows his love by his actions (granted, it mostly involves killing other creatures/rivals), saves the girl from the horror of living a mundane life, etc. and ann falls for him, so much that she's willing to climb to the top of the (very phallic) empire state building to be with him.

as a confirmed omega male, i question the romantic idea that the woman can "tame" the beast, which seems to be one of the messages of the film (implied, at least). always been uncomfortable with the idea of "saving" anyone through a relationship. and there were scenes in the film where kong seemed like nothing more than a violent, angry drunk frat boy. and we all know my issues with frat boys (insert your own joke about my jealousy here).

i guess it comes down to me not getting the connection between ann and kong. or maybe it's just projection on my part - i mean, if a 25 foot tall gorilla can get a girl like naomi watts to like him, why can't i?

happy holidays, everyone.

here's been my issue so far this break - i'm having a hard time determining when i'm relaxing and when i'm just being lazy. not so bad the last couple of days, but something doesn't seem quite right about sleeping the day away, no matter how good it feels to stay curled up in bed.

i'm actually up late tonight killing time because i'm waiting for the dryer to finish so i can put sheets on my bed. this is what happens when you go out to see a 3 1/2 hour movie - domestic activities are put on hold.

i have no plans for the rest of the week - literally. after i get up tomorrow for prayers, i have nothing scheduled. keep thinking i'd like to head to columbus to see a couple of people, but i haven't talked to them and don't know if they're even in town. hmmm. all i do know is i don't want to think about school until, oh, monday of next week. though if anyone has a great way to teach short stories, i'd love to hear about them.

ok, time to trek to the basement and see if my whites are dry. more tomorrow, perhaps.
Æ

Tunes: wally pleasant - barista

A Christmas Greeting and Gift

Taft Finale 2000 - Over the Rhine, Ron Sexsmith, Leigh Nash

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

blahty blahty blah

day one of break twas a busy one here. up early for prayers, home to make a birthday cd, called time warner about the lapses in my internet service, showered, drove to dayton to meet amelia and candice for lunch (made it from norwood to the dayton mall in about 35 minutes - can you say speeding?), drove back in time to get my haircut/scalp rub/back rub/facial at aveda, watched the steelers/vikings game from last week, tried the cheeseburger at quatman's grill per colin's advice, downloaded this months e-music downloads (nick cave's abattoir blues/lyre of orpheus, miscellaneous Old 97's tracks i didn't have). and now comes the time to update my life here after a taking a few days off to try and throw off these christmas blues.

not entirely successful, but i'm feeling much better than i was.

posted a bit on my friend alexa's blog last night after a fairly scathing comment she received. i'm a bit protective of my friends and felt like something needed to be said. i repost it here because, well, the issue is one i deal with myself....

***************************************
“(Thurman… is this the kind of thing have been trying to avoid? Backlash?)”

not exactly, though it’s certainly been a concern. i struggle, too, with the idea that whatever i write is a proclamation, a hard and fast truth to be chiseled permanently into the foundation of Life. whatever. this isn’t solid, this isn’t eternal, this is only me, right now. if you don’t like it, hang around - it’ll probably change in fifteen minutes or so.

wishy-washy? perhaps. but then i was never quite arrogant enough to believe what i wrote held much weight outside of the infinitesimal circle of me.

and, like you, writing is how i think and process. i have to get it all out before i can make sense of it. sometimes it’s pretty ugly. it’s the old cliche about making sausages.

readers, beware: people like alexa and i have been brave enough to let you see the pulling of the levers behind the curtain. it’s not always a pretty sight. and sometimes it’s offensive. but it’s never personal (well, it’s rarely personal anyway).

to quote bill:
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber’d here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream,/Gentles, do not reprehend:/If you pardon, we will mend.

hang in there, alexa.
***************************************

which of course begs the question: then why keep a public journal at all? if it's so ugly, why not scribble away in some notebook somewhere?

excellent question.

mostly i keep mine public for the accountability factor - knowing other people read my blog (and - surprise surprise - notice when i don't post) helps me write more often. it's not a perfect forum - there are many times i don't post about things just because i know other people read it and, well, it will either hurt or confuse or piss them off. and i'd like to avoid it. the problem then is, if writing is how i process, i end up not processing some things that maybe i should.

i could keep two journals, i suppose, but that seems like more work than i'm willing to do.

if nothing else, i'm a lazy writer.

or i could throw caution to the wind and cling to the hope that my friends will understand if i say something offensive.

but then i think of alexa's recent experience. or aaron's. and i'm wary.

and i'm rambling.

getting a permanent crown put on my tooth tomorrow. joy. i hope there's no more drilling, but i doubt i'll be that lucky. be nice to use the right side of my mouth again. the bad part is i don't remember what time my appointment is (i think 9:30....) they were supposed to call but they didn't. probably got a busy signal because they didn't use the area code. stupid cincinnati bell....

still pondering the joy question from earlier this week. most of the responses i've received have been that joy is something you can choose. not sure i believe it, though. or maybe i just don't want to believe it, because then it means if i'm not feeling joy that it's a failing in me. it's my shortcoming. and something i should be able to overcome. but i'm not convinced joy is that easily manipulated. i think being open to joy is a choice. but the actual experience of it depends on more than my just wanting to feel it.

i'm not sure i'm making myself clear.

i'm sure i can *fake* joy. i'm sure i have. but real joy is outside of my control. it's an honest-to-goodness gift of God. i can deny joy, i can put a damper on it and refuse to feel it, but i can't create it.

but then what happens if joy underlies all of Life? am i just closing myself off to that joy underneath the surface of things?

too many questions to ponder.

geesh, it's like someone kinked the hose for a while and then suddenly let it all go....

no solid plans for next week yet. toying with heading up to kent, though i've only heard from jenna and not the other two. not that it wouldn't be great to see jenna, but would prefer to see everyone in one fell swoop (where does that phrase come from anyway...).

and a quick google search gives me...

"The phrase is one of those fixed expressions that we hardly think about most of the time. It means all at once, suddenly. It’s been around in the language for at least 400 years. Shakespeare is first recorded as using it, in Macbeth: when Macduff hears that his family has been murdered, he says in disbelief:

All my pretty ones?
Did you say all? O hell-kite! All?
What, all my pretty chickens and their dam
At one fell swoop?"

http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-fel1.htm

bill. of course. should have known.

enough sausage making for one night. not too ugly this time. more later, perhaps.
Æ

Tunes: nick cave - there she goes my beautiful world

question of the day

is joy a choice? can you choose to find joy? how much control do we have over it?

metaphor for the day - i am sick and am quarantining myself from everyone so as not to infect them. which is why i haven't been posting. and will continue not to.

merry christmas.

Æ

the thumper rule is in effect

please see Bambi for more details.
Æ

Tunes: wally pleasant - first love

the overwhelming blankness

nothing worse than a blank page.

yeah, want to write again, but again, words fail me.

my life seems so unimportant lately. or at least uninteresting. insignificant?

no, not insignificant. just not worth writing about. i mean, it means something to me, obviously, otherwise i wouldn't crawl out of bed in the morning. but the masses? ehh, not so much.

hate this apathy, you know? though is it apathy if i care enough to hate it?

ok, this is much more interesting. a favorite christmas song of mine. God bless shane macgowan. no, seriously, have you seen him lately?

anyway....

A Fairy Tale of New York

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

Tunes: the perishers - blue christmas

curious

i am drawn tonight to write
yet i have nothing to say
no insights, no stories, nothing
of any significance
and why the words
come in verse
i do not know

i should be in bed
i should be grading papers
i should be making a difference somehow

i am doing nothing
but throwing words onto the screen
and hoping they don't slide off into
the abyss

it's easier for me to get closer to heaven
than ever feel whole again

why mr. smith is in my head
remains a mystery
but there he is and has been and probably will be

i hesitate to post
knowing the words aren't elegant
aren't meaningful
aren't much
but they'll stay
a snapshot of my brain
faded and out of focus
but full of odd colors

i rub the stone in my pocket
and whisper the name inscribed
in deep blue sharpie
and pray all is well and love and light and life
refract in her eyes

unconnected...
my body has been sensing the lack
more than my heart
seeking contact
trying to merge
tired of being only flesh
needing more
and more and more and more and

this is not art
this is not eloquent
this is simply
me
tonight
this moment
for whatever it's worth

i pray the week slides swiftly by
reducing the days to a single handful

the elements will be dissolved with fire
haunts me and cries for words of my own
another night perhaps

let sleep come
let words stop
let peace rule
let love
let go
stop
Æ

2005 recap

stolen from my LJ friends, here's a recap of 2005, using one sentence from the first entry of each month.

(my other blog is at www.livejournal.com/users/teaii)

jan 2005
"it will be a reminder of the inexplicable hope infusing me today, this firm belief that this is the year i break out of my oh-so-very-extended relationship slump and actually discover what i've been wishing for for so so long."

feb 2005
"yesterday was bad - bad bad bad bad bad. so bad. the badness of this bad was greater than any badness that's been bad before.

well, maybe not that bad, but it certainly wasn't good."

mar 2005
"weekend was a difficult one for obvious reasons. i hate feeling helpless and wanting to do more. but i suppose that's how it goes in these situations."

apr 2005
"You would think I would realize, just because I’m in another country doesn’t mean my body won’t react to caffeine the same way. A big chocolate pastry and Diet Pepsi right before bed is a bad idea."

may 2005
"i wonder sometimes if my own spontaneity is just a ploy to keep people at a distance."

jun 2005
"year two is finished and my room is stripped bare and i have nothing but partying and sleeping planned for the next two days.

excellent."

jul 2005
"heading out the door for toronto. cincinnati was kind enough to welcome me back with some vicious thunderstorms"

aug 2005
"but the more i think about it, the more God brings it to the forefront, the more i am sensing i need to move away from this urban sprawl i so despise and look for a little piece of land a little closer to where my heart turns more and more lately - norwood, specifically, near st. e's. i want to be where God is, commute be damned."

sep 2005
"slivered morning light
pointing toward the coming day
sneaking up the sky"

oct 2005
"suffice to day, i spent the night in my new place last night and am experiencing no buyers remorse (though i'm not nearly as excited as i thought i would be - maybe that will come once i actually move in)"

nov 2005
"first, thanks to all who had kind things to say about my beardless picture. excellent ego boost this week."

dec 2005
"helped me not to dwell on the fact that it's been ten years now. geesh. i've entered my second decade now. and it's not a big deal for, oh, 350 days out of the year. but on those other days, it becomes a big deal."

Tunes: palomar - knockout

giddy, i'm giddy i tell you

SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

glorious glorious glorious.

no phone call - should have told andy he needed to dial the area code to get in touch with me.

glad i checked online before wandering off to bed.

this has been a marvelous night....

...tutoring with jordan. such a great kid. tries really hard and seems to like me.

...the daily show and the colbert report - brilliant.

...it's official - i am a cast member for the CMT production of CHESS. i'll be playing Nikolai. small part (i think). little singing. probably no dancing. but who knows. we'll see what happens.

...late dinner invite from the barr's. vegetarian lasagna. julie gonnering came by. we watched The Snowman. lovely time.

...finished the CD for shannon, which was quite the adventure. should finish another before i go to bed, though i have all day tomorrow.

...did i mention the snow day tomorrow? and knowing about it the night before? priceless.

time to do the snow day celebration dance. woohoo!
Æ

Tunes: cake - love you madly

no more cold nights

no, i haven't found someone to share my bed (insert own inappropriate joke here).

i was going over my cinergy bill this morning while my students were down taking the PLAN test, trying to figure out how to get onto the budgeted billing plan because my bill jumped from $43 to $270 in one month. in the process, i saw a notice saying i had not paid my last bill, which made me concerned, since i knew i had set it up through bill pay at 5/3. so i looked and saw what the problem was. my last bill said $42.95 was due, which is what i paid. unfortunately, they moved over the remaining bill from my apartment (which was a frightening amount) and took the money i had sent in to pay down that balance. and then charged me a late fee for not paying my bill. i called to let them know what had happened, but of course, i was on hold forever and decided .64 wasn'tworth the hassle (the cost of the late fee).

ANYWAY, all that to say, my heating bill was only $70 last month, not $270, which means i can probably raise the temp in The Grotto a couple of degrees (it's at a cavelike 62 right now). it's the little things inlife that bless.

still no word from mr. canipe, so no idea if i need to be checking my bank account or not for souvenir/gas/ticket money. so shouldn't go. so probably will if the price is right (not sure whatright would be, but i'll figure it out eventually).

time to break out the snow dance - forecast is calling for 2-6" tonight. as with most things in life, it will all depend on timing. too early, the trucks will have a chance to clear the road. would love a snow day - who wouldn't - but i'm working hard not to get my hopes up. we are in southern ohio, after all, and if anything is consistent, it's that weather reportsare consistently mistaken.

but i'll dance tonight anyway.

tonight...rehearsal was cancelled, so not sure what i'm doing. probably grading. janet and some friends from the blue jordan label are performing a john lennon tribute - maybe i'll sneak out and see that - if the snow isn't too bad, that is. might be a good night to curl up with a good book or film and watch the snow fall outside the windows of MY house...ifonly i had a fireplace.

ok. must go. it's grice's lasagna day - one of the teachers fixes lasagna for the entire staff once a year. much easier when he started some 15-20 years ago - school was MUCH smaller. but he perseveres. glad to have first lunch - means there'll be plenty to eat. north beach, here i come!

more later perhaps.
Æ

Tunes: juliana hatfield and tanya donnelly - josie and the pussycats

who am i kidding?

two things...

one, if they offer me a part, any part, i'm taking it. like i would turn it down. just hearing the music sung through the curtained divider in the suprisingly balmy church basement made me want to do the show. sure, my dance audition was hideous (once you start yelling out official french names for moves, i'm out), but i was the only bass at the ensemble singing and even was asked to stick around and read for a speaking part (though seeing it, i might be better off doing multiple roles in the chorus...). so now comes the waiting (hey, wasn't i talking about this sometime recently?). in this case, e-mail = bad. phone call = good. no whammies, no whammies, no whammies....

two, chad canipe just e-mailed me. seems a coworker has U2 tickets he's looking to unload. hmmm. so should not do this, no way, no how. and yet i asked for more details. of course i did. like the subject line says.

back to school tomorrow. but half the day is PLAN testing, one bell of practice OGT and one bell in the media center. shuoldn't be too bad, other than the stack of grading i have to do. why oh why must the district have the practice scores before the new year? does it really matter? not to me it doesn't.

did i just type that out loud? silly me.

to sleep. perchance to...sleep.
Æ

Tunes: chess - where i want to be

pacing the cage

this song came up on my mp3 player this afternoon and struck a chord so deeply it reverberates even now.

Pacing The Cage

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it's pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I've proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And every one was taken in
Hours chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It's as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you'll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage.
Pacing the cage.
Pacing the cage

bruce cockburn

no school

well, there is school. i'm just not there. woke up feeling my skin was uninhabitable and decided it would be better to try to kick this cold that seems to be lingering around instead of going and infecting my students with my bugs and my lack of enthusiasm. unfortunately, i still had to drive into school because there was no way to get things set up for the sub via email. so out the door at 5:30, back by 7:15. then sleep, glorious sleep. seems to have helped a bit, though i still have the pre-cold hangover. bleah.

i'm not ready for christmas yet, literally or metaphysically. no decorations, no christmas shopping. and other than the two marvelous advent services at st. e's, no connection to the season. not even the brilliantly cold weather has helped. time is flying by and i don't want to miss it.

stupid head. even harder today to gather my thoughts together.

so seems i did well enough to get called back for the ensemble in chess. so now i'm torn, 'cause i'd already written off being involved. and the way i'm feeling today, i'm afraid of how things will go tonight. but i have to go to callbacks, right? would be rude not to. and who knows - maybe a role in the ensemble will be better - fewer rehearsals, fewer responsibilities, more time for my other commitments. so i'll go. and then i'll decide. really, the big issue is one of the performances is scheduled for the night of film club's student film festival. and i don't think it's possible to move it - barely was able to get the auditorium that time of the year as it was.

speaking of film club, we watched seven samauri the past two days. always a bit wary on how high school student will do with the older films. but for the most part they enjoyed it and caught its influence over modern films, from archetypes to wipes. great group of students, except for the few that decided to bring food into the auditorium monday and then leave the wrappers and crumbs behind. no respect, i tell you. they didn't come back on tuesday, so no chastising. unfortunately.

ok, need to go rest some more, clear my head, figure out if i am indeed going to get a crown put on this afternoon. plus, would be nice to use some of this down time to get some stuff done around the house so its ready if the christmas spirit ever does come and find me. or i go out and find it i suppose.
Æ

Tunes: roland kirk - we free kings

each game of chess means there's one less variation left to be played

so i auditioned tonight for one of my favorite musicals - chess. have listened to it over and over again for years, since i discovered it back in high school. for those unfamiliar, this is the show written by the two male members of abba, with lyrics by tim rice and the 80s hit, "one night in bangkok." always thought it was a show that missed it's chance - the black vs white, us vs russia issues were there, waiting to be played out. but the book never really came together (the songs were written before the book) and by the time it did, communism had fallen and the changes made were iffy at best.

anyway....

cincinnati music theatre is doing it this spring and once i found out, i knew i had to audition. NO ONE does this show, so i figured it would be my only chance. so i signed up for a time, grabbed a copy of "stars" and gave it my best shot.

shortest audition ever.

but hey, i did it. and now i can go back to my life. didn't really have the time to do it anyway. but would have kicked myself if i'd not auditioned.

too bad i can't transfer that to other areas of my life.

got a call from candice tonight - she was going to be in the area visiting a friend, so i drove back up to tylersville road to catch up a bit. haven't talked to her in ages, which is a bit odd for us. hopefully we'll be getting together again next monday with our friend amelia. always a bit disconcerting to talk to candice - she and God are best friends, and He talks to her much more than to me - and often He talks to her about me. which makes me think i must not be listening if He has to talk to me through my friends. but that's another issue. good to chat.

weird school week. my first two bells are taking the PLAN test tomorrow and tuesday, which means i have to figure out something for my fifth bell to do, without getting them too far ahead. no idea what i'll be doing. that's probably a bad thing. fourth bell is taking the practice OGT, so no worries there.

bed calls. laundry will wait. good night.
Æ

Tunes: the white stripes - candy cane girl

anatomy of a cowardly act

went to columbus today to help brent celebrate his birthday at the thurman cafe. an excellent time, though it was confirmed that i have no spatial or parking abilitites whatsoever. anyway, i cut my trip short because...well, let me back up.

on friday, after school, i was talking to my friend bea and she asked what i was doing saturday night. i told her i was going to columbus for lunch, but wasn't sure how long i would be gone. she said that she and some friends were getting together and invited me along. my interest was piqued, since one of the friends was her friend courtney, who i find lovely and fascinating. so i told her i'd go, thinking i could do lunch with brent and hang out a bit, then come home.

which is exactly what i did.

unfortunately, 7:30 rolled around and i hadn't heard anything. so i called bea. no answer. so i went back to watching veronica mars. few minutes pass and bea calls. she's sick. staying in bed for the evening. but, ever the good friend, she says i could call and find out what they were doing. so she asked if i wanted courtney's number.

what a question.

so i took the number.

and never called.

see, with bea there, i had a buffer. without her there, then it would be weird. i mean, they were her friends getting together, and though i've met them a couple of times, i would have felt out of place. which is not the best way to make an impression on someone.

pragmatic or spineless?

you be the judge.
Æ

Tunes: sam phillips - strawberry roads

TGIF

friday. and i am way off my game today. first two classes less than stellar. not here mentally for whatever reason. maybe 'cause it's friday. i don'tknow.

brain isn't here in general - can't stay focused, can't think of anything to write. yet here i am, writing. for no apparent reason. and you get to readit. aren't you lucky?

finally talked to alexa last night after weeks of trying. good to catch up, albeit briefly. she's begun a blog of her own, which will be interesting to read since she doesn't believe in self-censorship, unlike, say, me. actually i'm just looking forward to being able to know how she's doing. we talked about the oddness of blogging, specifically how it differs (or at least should differ) from private journalling. i know i don't say near everything i want to here, mostly because i know people read this. and some things would be uncomfortable to talk about in public, both for me and for those that read. is that being dishonest or just recognizing your audience? should i care? i think i should. so i do. but i do realizemy blog has its limitations.

the other issue is just how i approach writing - for me, most times, i use writing to figure out what i think/believe. i don't use it to publish full-fledged ideas. i think best while i write (hard to believe sometimes if you read this) and sometimes figure things out in the process of writing. which can lead to problems if someone comes across my blog and sees me working out my salvation with fear and trembling and thinks everything i type should be taken asgospel.

reader: this is not a good idea.

most of the time i throw things out there to get a little feedback, iron sharpening iron, focus some of my thoughts. not meant to be a firm statement ofbelief.

i'm sure you all knew that already, but just in case.

so. yesterday. dec. 1. a day that will flounder in obscurity, significant only to the smallest of circles, me. i decided not to "celebrate" per se. went out to eat and graded papers, then headed down to kaldi's to see eric and liz perform. the other option was sitting at home, watching some movie and stewing in my own melancholy. and we know how much fun that is. glad i went. glad i got out. helped me not to dwell on the fact that it's been ten years now. geesh. i've entered my second decade now. and it's not a big deal for, oh, 350 days out of the year. but on those other days, it becomes a big deal. yesterday's was mild all things considered, and for that i am thankful. here's hoping i don't have arelapse.

vague and obscure much, thurm?

as much as i can be, usually.

those actually interested can talk to me and i'll be happy to fill you in. but probably not meant for public discussion (though i'm sure i've discussed ithere before).

and this has been a waste of a plan bell. and a blog entry. oh well. at least i look busy.

heading to columbus tomorrow to help brent celebrate his birthday at the thurman cafe. should be fun. have to finish his cd. and a couple others. theyseem to come in bunches, don't they?

bell's coming. must go.
Æ

Tunes: wilco - sunken treasure

french verse screwed up my life

A kiss. The word is sweet--
What will the deed be? Are you lips afraid
Even of its burning name? not much afraid--
Not too much! Have you not unwittingly
Laid aside laughter, slipping beyond speech
Insensibly, already, without fear,
From words to smiles...from smiles to sighs...from sighing
Even to tears? One step more--only one--
From a tear to a kiss--one step, one thrill!

And what is a kiss, when all is done?
A promise given under seal--a vow
Taken before the shrine of memory--
A signature acknowledged--a rosy dot
Over the i of Loving--a secret whispered
To listening lips apart--a moment made
Immortal, with a rush of wings unseen--
A sacrament of blossoms, a new song
Sung by two hearts to an old simple tune--
The ring of one horizon around two souls
Together, all alone!

Tunes: old 97's - eyes for you

hyperbole, anyone?

been thinking about my last post and the idea of finding contentment in God. and perhaps i would do well to remember something - context. the passage was from the psalms - poetry. not a rule on how to live one's life, though that is often how they are interpreted. and, ironically enough, in this psalm, the writer is looking at the how the wicked prosper and seem to get everything they want while the righteous do not - something i've often felt in my own life. the point? the passage i struggled with isn't meant to be taken literally - it's not that God is all we should desire. but when you compare the glory of God to the desires of the earth - it's no contest. God wins, every time. has to, or else, not much of a God, no?

justification so i can have my cake and eat it too? maybe. but doesn't feel that way to me.

yeah, i know - it's after 11:15 and i should be in bed. but i met the fam to celebrate mom's birthday tonight and i drank way too much tea and ate too much chocolate to even see sleep coming in the next couple of hours. so here i am, subjecting you to my caffeine-spiked thoughts. i'll try to not too be too out there.

waiting. was going to write on this, but yesterday, while dozing in my comfy chair, a thought came to me, one i've heard before but conveniently forgot, as i tend to do when it's something i don't like. i seem stuck in the idea of waiting as sitting around, hoping something comes along. a passive waiting. but that's not how life works. and it certainly isn't something the Bible recommends. Christ points to an ACTIVE waiting. we're not meant to stand around with our arms out, waiting for God to drop whatever comes next into our laps. no, God wants us to be actively waiting, to realize God provides, but sometimes He needs us to walk around the corner. or position ourselves to better receive the blessing waiting for us. i don't know why i continue to think God will provide if i just sit here and wait long enough. you would think 35 years would have taught me it doesn't work that way. no such luck.

advent is full of active waiting. simeon was waiting for the messiah, but he didn't stay at home - he went to the temple every day, waiting for God to show him what he was waiting for. the shepherds didn't sit in their fields hoping joseph and mary would bring the child to them - they left and found what the world had been waiting for since the beginning. and the wise men came from distant lands to find what the was waiting under the star.

father, i pray this season will be for me a time of active waiting, of finding the dark places where your grace hides, waiting for me to find it. i pray it will be a turning in my own life. no more sitting around and whining because i've been waiting for so long. need to start trusting that my waiting is not in vain, but that it also isn't meant to be passive. ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. but i have to take a step: ask. seek. knock. God has made the first move - i need to follow His lead.

wow. i need to get hopped up on caffeine more often. though i wonder if what i'm writing actually will make sense in the morning....

eighteen minutes until dec. 1. one of my personal anniversaries. i'll write about it tomorrow. no use burning out now. and the daily office is calling. and my pillow, though i don't believe i'll be sleeping much...
Æ

Tunes: old 97's - goin' goin' gone

testing testing

my students are journalling about their first day of school and so i have a little time to maybe throw out a thought i had while doing the daily office today.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? and having you I desire nothing upon earth." Ps 73:25

i had a difficult time praying this today because, well, i do desire things upon the earth. and it is a struggle because i want to believe that all i need is God and that once i have Him, my other desires will seem small and insignificant. but i find myself caught in a "God...but" mentality. God is all i need, but i still desire (insert favorite human longing here). is this a lack of something on my part, an immaturity lingering? i don't believe my desires are wrong or sinful - but i realize perhaps they are a sign i haven't found true contentment in God.

just some thoughts. more next bell, perhaps.
Æ

it's coming

no, not christmas. the cold working its way up from the depths of my throat. i figure it will take over by wednesday night, maybe thursday morning. already annoying to swallow. just what i need.

not a bad monday, especially considering it was the first one after break. students were still a bit out of it, probably since most were still mostly asleep (or had a tryptophan hangover). can't say i was in much better shape - rolling out of bed was SO difficult. but i did it. barely.

arctic beach week continued tonight - pizza with the girls at gina's, and then some yahtzee. i suck at dice games. chance is not my friend.

wow, so not here tonight. should just go to bed. steelers are playing and of course i'm not watching. figure i won't have to watch it tomorrow either - get the feeling they're not going to do well tonight. but who knows - they've surprised me before. too many traumatic moments in my years of fandom to get my hopes up.

i was going to write about waiting, but i think it will have to wait some more. maybe that's my point - i'll just keep saying i'll write about waiting, as an exercise in waiting. not that any of you probably are....

done and done. must get away from here. not in a good space to be sharing at the moment. perhaps tomorrow.
Æ

Tunes: shane mcgowan and the popes - christmas lullaby

damn you, sweet tooth!

finishing off the last of the cookies i bought for game day at angie's. been a way north beach weekend - like arctic circle north. bad bad bad. ah well.

i should be grading. but i'm not. in. the. mood. not in the mood for much of anything, actually. will probably head off to sleep once i'm done typing my random thoughts here. profundity will not be present.

word for the weekend - uneventful. not a bad thing. just didn't do a whole lot. a highlight: game day at ang's. good times, though we never did finish a game, but we started several. finally got to play the star wars lego game on xbox. must find a PC version if it exists. better than the movies (the newer ones anyway). and combining my two childhood loves? priceless.

tonight was the first advent service of the season and the first service in st. e's since we were officially given the thumbs up by the city fire department. great to be back in the space. i was "in charge" of the service, and i did my "darkness" monologue. i was a bit concerned about sound, but i guess my mouth's big enough to fill the sanctuary. memorization failed me, but i think God got the message through anyway. made me excited for the weekly meetings coming up in january. can't wait to see what God has planned.

curious: am i the only person that sometiems spends entire days on the verge of tears? i mean, if you asked me how i felt, i'd tell you tired, but pretty happy and optimistic. yet i feel like i could burst into tears at any moment. weird. yeah, yeah, i know - therapy. sorry, not right now. plus, blogging is much, much cheaper.

going to bed early tonight. tomorrow's going to be rough - hard to go back after five days off. here's hoping my patience is stronger than my students ability to annoy me.

see, no profundity.
Æ

Tunes: tom waits - silent night

avoiding commerce

i need to go out today, unfortunately, and purchase some necessities, but am trying to figure out when the best time to do that will be. i figure the longer i wait, the less likely i will become completely frustrated with the masses of people out being good stewards of their funds and buying their christmas gifts early. me, the hassle is not worth the benefit, no matter how much money i might save. i have so little shopping energy anyway - combine that with the press of flesh today, and i'll be lucky to find what i need today without going crazy. will have to steel myself before i go out, maybe breathe a simple prayer.

was able yesterday to stay by my belief that i should only run when chased. i wavered back and forth between running and not running, but finally decided to walk out of fear that i would get halfway through the running route and be unable to run anymore and end up having to wait for the havens to come and pick me up off the cold, cold ground, frostbitten with icicles of frozen sweat covering my prone body. not the best way to begin a thanksgiving day. so i walked with marissa and josie, which was fun, though the wind about did us in. i'm glad i did it, though i was exhasted the rest of the day. so much for boosting my metabolism.

no surprises at dinner with the fam - turkey, noodles, potatoes (the first i've eaten since the beginning of school), stuffing, corn, pumpkin pie. ate enough at lunch that i didn't eat for the rest of the day (not real food, anyway). but the tryptophan and the turkey walk made me too sleepy to be social in the afternoon. i know, i know, it's part of the tradition. still, i felt bad.

did end up going out that night with the 'rents and seeing pride and prejudice. what can i say, i'm a sucker for jane. now i have never seen the much lauded colin firth version of the book, so i don't have anything to compare it with. and it's been too long since i read it to quibble about the adaptation. but i enjoyed it immensely. not having any preconceived notions of the story or the characters helped i think. a lot more humor (or is that humour?) than i anticipated. and the film was quite lovely to look at and not just because of kiera knightly and rosamund pike.

here's the thing - there was an actual *story* here. too mnay films i've seen lately have been disappointing because they lacked a sense of story - they were more moments loosely tied together without a strong semblance of wholeness. it's what was lacking in elizabethtown and walk the line and even shopgirl. and i wonder if this is a symptom of the times, the fragmented nature of our own stories. are we losing our ability to tell stories? have we become so concerned with moments that we have lost sight of the larger story around us? i fear we may have given up the grandeur of story for the immediacy of moments.

sorry, didn't mean to wax philosphical. let's pull this back down to its normal level, shall we?

i was wondering while watching the film which male character i was most like. i have an idea, but thought it might be fun to get other people's opinions. so, if you read my journal, i'd like you to take a low-tech poll:

which character from pride and prejudice is thurman most like?

A. Mr. Darcy
B. Mr. Bingley
C. Mr. Collins
D. Mr. Wickham
E. Mr. Bennet
F. Other _________________________

off to do something constructive. can't figure out if they will take my leaves again or not, but i might as well get them out of my backyard, if only so i can take the brownhouse's tarp back to them. more later perhaps.
Æ

Tunes: rocket from the crypt - cancel christmas

an evening alone

tonight i spent the evening in the company of myself. most of the people i knew were gone for thanksgiving or preparing to go over the river and through the woods, so i decided to invite myself out for an evening on the town. at first, i was reluctant - some bills came today and they made me a bit worried about spending more money (my student loan payment is now SEVEN times what it was just last month. beauty). but after much cajoling and whining, i finally consented. i headed over to clifton for dinner and a movie. the esquire runs a special on wednesday nights - $6 tickets and 20% off in selected restaurants. not a bad deal. helps me be a pretty cheap date (whole evening was less than $20 - and that includes dinner, the movie, and a waffle cone at graeters). read wicked while we...er...i ate. 100 pages to go. saw shopgirl, starring steve martin, claire danes and jason schwarzman (with mark kozolek thrown in for fun). seeing the movie left me with the same feeling i had after reading the book - a pleasant and sweet sense of melancholy. mirabelle is a lovely character and claire danes did an amazing job bringing her to life. and jason schwartzman was perfect as jeremy - so funny. steve showed his understated side (think the spanish prisoner) and wrote a pitch perfect screenplay (helps if you wrote the book, too). like the book, there's not much there, but you end with a smile on your face and that's more than i can say for many films i see.

to run and not be chased...

somehow i've talked myself in joining kenny and marissa for the turkey run with michael wilson tomorrow morning. yes, i know. i can't really believe it either. i figure with the meal i'll be eating tomorrow afternoon, best to get all the help i can jump starting my metabolism. it will either start a new thanksgiving tradition, or cause me to be immobile all day friday. perhaps both.

so no alexa, like i figured - snow is keeping her at bay. too bad - discovered where the art museum was today (thanks kenny!) and would have been fun to go, especially to see the album cover exhibit. plenty of time, though - i think it's on display until the end of january. which means i'll forget until the day it ends....

thoughts on waiting will have to...well...wait. must get sleep so i'm ready for tomorrow. no talking myself out of it. here's hoping i don't embarrass myself...
Æ

Tunes: sleater-kinner - oh!

let it snow let it snow let it snow

wednesday morning, enjoying far too much the time away from the grind of school. snows a'flurryin' outside the window here. i am slowly catching up on life in blogdom, which has grown quite large for me lately - i'm afraid it's going to become too overwhelming and i'll just give it up completely. feels like TMI at times. but i desire to know, you know?

how lovely to be able to wake up this morning and walk down to prayers. if only i could do this every day. yet another reason why schools should start later. but that's not going to happen in my lifetime, regardless of the evidence that it would be beneficial. expedience triumphs over logic every time.

oh boy, the snow is beginning to stick to the ground. so much for the raking of leaves today.

focus, thurm, firgure out what it is you want to say, if you want to say anything.

meeting kenny joe at 10:00 to see about picking up a couple over the rhine tickets for mr. petit and his girl. here's hoping we can find seats near to us. always afraid this is going to happen, but you have to set cut off dates, right? be good to hang with mr. havens for a while. don't do that nearly often enough.

so furtherwords and i decided the holidays might not be the best time to come down for a visit. will try again after the first of the year. this means i'm going to be on my own for decorating The Grotto. which means it's going to be VERY simple - a tree with lights, probably. i'll see about being more elaborate in coming years perhaps...

found out yesterday that i can access all my non-livejournal blogs at school, but not LJ, because it's blocked. so i created a sister site to this one over at blogger. had thought i might be able to post at school, but realize that to post you have to use the blogger.com address, and it is transferred to the school's homepage. so it might just sit there for a while. i like the community here, but really, it's kinda short on bells and whistles - or else i just haven't figure out how to use them yet.

need to get working on the service for sunday. want to revamp a bit what i'm doing, which will take a little time. which is ok, since i've got nothing planned after meeting with kenny, other than lunch at cici's with julie (yeah, i know, so not south beach friendly, but i've been craving pizza and it's cheap and, well, i don't need any other reason). probably ought to do some work around The Grotto and i'd love to finish off wicked this weekend, but we'll see. funny - i complain endlessly about not having enough time here, and then when i do, i spend it lying around sleeping.

have i mentioned it's snowing? so wonderful.

the holidays are here. Father, help me avoid being too busy to actually enjoy them. and too frantic to keep them "holy days."
Æ

Tunes: old 97s - big brown eyes

inspiration

There is one crown I bear away with me,
And to-night, when I enter before God,
My salute shall sweep all the stars away
From the blue threshold! One thing without stain,
Unspotted from the world, in spite of doom
Mine own!---

And that is . . .

My white plume.