i almost died twice this week

ok, maybe not death, but at the very least, severe injury. i've decided cincy is the most un-bikefriendly city in the world. combine cyclists who don't know what they're doing, with people that barely know how to drive and certainly have no idea how to drive around cyclists, stir and you have almost certain mayhem. my first experience was monday - i had ridden my bike to oakley library to pick up some books and then to norwood library for some more. on my way down allison, i signaled that i would be turning left onto courtland. a large black pick up pulled up at the stop sign and stopped. i don't know if they didn't see me or didn't know i was signaling to turn left (i mean, what can i expect, most people in cincy don't know how to use the turn signals in their own cars, much less the proper signals for a bicycle), but as i made my turn, they began to pull out, coming within inches of running me over. left me a little frustrated, little shocked. nothing like an adrenaline rush at the end of a ride.

then yesterday, i decided to ride to mariemont because, well, i've been feeling sedentary this week and wanted to shake off some of the malaise i'd been feeling. i followed mapquest directions to rt 50 and while i was heading into mariemont, i hit a stretch of road where some paving work had recently been done. unfortunately, it didn't reach all the way to the curb, and as i avoided a sewer grate, my tires caught the groove, which nearly sent me sprawling into the traffic coming up behind me. scary, scary moment. made me long for the bike path (which is one of the reasons i wanted to bike to mariemont, to find the best route to getting to the bike path in milford. not sure i've found it yet, but i hope i get the chance to ride out there before summer is gone).

and summer is quickly fading. technically, i still have two full weeks before we start back up, but those days are already filled with stuff. monday i leave for gethsemani for some solitude and time to process before the school year starts. looking forward to hearing what God has to say and where He is leading. after the scattered nature of this summer, i'm hoping for a little focus.

still no idea when i'm leaving for the reunion tomorrow or if i'll be heading out with the 'rents or not. get the feeling i'm just going to have to drive up on my own. i mean, what's another $50 in gas, right?

had breakfast with steve this morning after prayers. interesting conversation about drugs, parenthood, sex and dating (separate parts, not all together - that would just be weird). he gave some good advice on the whole online dating thing, which i still haven't completely followed through with. still stuck on the "ad" portion. never been very good at selling things. i just need to do something - not like i can't alter it later (heh. don't you love anagrams?).

enough rambling. only solid thing on the agenda today is the cookout tonight at the brownhouse - first time i've been able to go. also need to download my monthly songs from emusic before they expire on sunday. was going to cancel after this month, but have decided to go one more month. want to pick up the decemberists and possibly the new leigh nash. we'll see.
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Tunes: new order - krafty

question two

do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?

i stand with bill here:

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy

i've always had a fascination with ghosts. some of my earliest memories are of reading ghost stories or hearing them and wondering about them. i had an old alfred hitchcock record that i listened to over and over and over again. strangely enough, it's hard to scare me now. rarely does a horror film get me worked up. i do believe there are inexplicable events in this world that we cannot make sense of. and i believe some of them may be caused by someone beyond the grave.

look, if we are truly immortal souls and if we truly believe there is more to our existence than this earthly existence, then why would we deny the fact that perhaps souls find their way back to us? i know for a long time we've sought to limit what is true to only what we can prove. i just can't buy that. it's like the celtic idea of "thin places" where another world exists just the other side of this one. and sometimes there's crossover. and just because it doesn't fit into our box of reality doesn't mean it isn't true.

as for spending the night alone in a supposedly haunted house....i don't know. i definitely could see myself getting myself totally worked up over every little sound. and it being remote - i just imagine myself becoming spooked and running out of a room, only to knock myself unconscious where i would be left while spiders and all kinds of creepy things crawled all over my body.

ah the joys of an overactive imagination.

so yeah, i believe in ghosts. and spirits, both good and evil. and i'd probably spend the night in a haunted house alone - as long as i was assured there were no spiders. ghosts i can handle. spiders are a whole different story....
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Tunes: grant-lee phillips - lonesome serenade

a quickie

need to be heading downstairs to fix something edible for tonight's house church but wanted to check in.

the good news: i bit the bullet and talked to my insurance agent and found out, because i've not had an incident in over ten years, my little fender bender will not negatively affect my insurance, meaning my rates will not go up. this is excellent news to me. so now i just have to wait for state farm to call me back with a claim number and i'll be able to get lorelai looking beautiful again. and it should help dawn get her car back in order as well. the part is waiting at kevin's, so now i wait.

i also called gethsemani today to see about doing a retreat there next week, but they didn't return my call today. hopefully tomorrow. be good to get away, get focused before the school year begins. lots of thoughts and experiences to process.

family reunion is this weekend - i was going to be speaking at our weekly gathering, but kevin graciously agreed to switch with me. i don't do nearly enough with the extended family and it's always a good time. i'm hoping things work out so i can ride up with mom and dad - save me the four-hour-plus drive and the gas expense. would like to get home semi-early on sunday - alison's having a new house warming get together at her new place and since there's a pool, sounds like quite the shindig.

why is my first reaction upon hearing someone likes me always, "You're kidding, right?"

picked up three books to read yesterday - anansi boys - gaiman; son of a witch - maguire; the great omission - willard. now with nothing going on in the evenings, i should have plenty of time to read. also watched wallace and gromit, but need to do so again because i kept fading in and out (my fault, not the movie's).


cooking time. more later.
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Tunes: lost dogs - the business is going down

heady thoughts for a weekend

stolen from alan creech....


"...love is not a matter of getting what you want. Quite the contrary. The insistence on always having what you want, on always being satisfied, on always being fulfilled, makes love impossible. To love you have to climb out of the cradle, where everything is 'getting,' and grow up to the maturity of giving, without concern for getting anything special in return. Love is not a deal, it is a sacrifice. It is not marketing, it is a form of worship."
Thomas Merton, Love and Living

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Tunes: the pine valley cosmonauts - gallows pole

i can't believe i'm doing this

i've spent the morning scanning the internet, getting information on something i've been adamantly opposed to in the past:

online dating services.

this change of heart came from a l-o-n-g discussion with my good friend kat and a realization that my normal modus operandi has not been helpful.

now i've always considered online dating the last resort - the final step after all other options had run their course. in my head (which is a frightening space indeed), online dating was only a heartbeat away from accepting i would be single for the rest of my life.

these are my issues and not meant to be disparaging toward anyone else.

but after nearly eleven years with nary a relationship, i suppose it's time to admit that i suck at this and that i need to get some help. plus, kat assures me this is the way things are done now and who am i to stand in the way of progress.

one problem though: i've discovered i suck at this, too. spent most of the morning on one site, filling out their probing questionnaire, feeling like i was giving the wrong answer only to get near the end and completely collapse. they wanted Your profile headline (2 characters min., 128 characters max.) and Tell us about yourself and who you're looking for. (200 characters min., 2000 characters max.). and i had no idea what to type/write. none. so i've walked away. maybe something will come to me soon. i sure hope so.

anyway, if any of you out there have more experience with this than i do (which is most everyone) and would like to point me in the right direction, i'd be happy to benefit from your wisdom and experience, good and bad.

back to hitting cyclists with baseball bats (i'm up to 1328.8 now).
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Tunes: grant lee buffalo - side by side

question one

for a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?

interesting this is the first question, considering i just watched corpse bride for the first time and it deals a bit with this idea. i'd like to think i would realize the importance of friends and family and feel the sacrifice is too much, even for someone i love deeply. but i've been waiting so long to love deeply and have someone love me in return that i don't doubt i would be packed and ready to go in a heartbeat. i sometimes think i'm cameron from ferris bueller:

Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

ok, maybe not that bad. but i can easily see myself becoming enthralled with someone to the point of being willing to give up everything just to be with them. i mean, i can always make new friends. and we'll be creating a family of our own, right? and this isn't some fling - it's someone i love deeply and who loves me deeply (i assume, anyway) and therefore she is a gift from God and He would not lead me astray. love is forever, right?

the thing that scares me the most about this is, while i joke, i do have a tendency to become (ahem) a bit obsessed. i remember in college, having a long discussion with mike about this, after i abandoned many of my friends in my obsession with stacy. perhaps this is why God has seen fit to keep me out of relationships (or has created me in such away that i stay away from getting involved). He knows once i meet someone i love deeply, they will become the focus of my life, to the exclusion of others. i'd like to think i've matured and grown since those heady college days, but as i've had few relationships since then (like one), i have no way of knowing for sure.

i'm not blaming God for my lack of relationships - i take full responsibility for that. but maybe in His wisdom He's allowed me to function well outside of them, allowing me the opportunity to develop within a community of friends and end up close enough to my family that we can be a part of each other's lives. and while it would be glorious to be deeply in love with one single person, i am thankful for the way my life has been shaped by the deep relationships i've been able to form with others.

ok, your turn. feel free to leave your own answer to the question in the comments section. the more people that play, the more fun we'll all have. really.
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Tunes: asia - daylight

reliving those high school summer nights

brent's gone and i'm currently avoiding mowing my lawn, which looks like a chia pet gone horribly wrong. get there soon enough.

yesterday's KI trip was great. i always have such a glorious time and yet i go so rarely. my excuse? it's a shared experience, not one easily enjoyed by oneself. and i don't know anyone else that has a season pass that doesn't have a normal job. not that i've actually checked this out, of course. we rode all the good stuff at least twice, the best stuff (delirium, vortex and, the best of the best, the beast) at least three. i know i'm getting old because damn was the back of the beast rough. they ought to put chiropractor ads at the end of the ride. but it was a great time complete with a trip to the fx action theater with hannah-barbara - much more enjoyable and nostalgic than spongebob with the song they used to play in the old boat ride (before it became the smurf ride and then whatever nickleodeon nonsense is there now - does it even still exist?). i might have gone the rest of my life forgetting that song. having it back makes me strangely happy. i also enjoyed other KI staples, such as larosas (which always tastes better here - kind of like hot dogs at a ballgame) and funnel cake. and other than a brief thunderstorm that shut down the park (when did they become such pansies? i seem to remember riding rides and coasters in the rain; now they shut them down when there's a watch), it was a beautiful and nostalgia-filled day.

i wonder if some of my recent forays into my past (metal, KI) aren't a subconscious attempt to relive a simpler time, a time filled with great memories. i tend to consider the summer of 1986 one of the best of my life and that was 20 years ago now. as long as i don't end this summer like i did that one, in the hospital with a broken neck).

speaking of broken, i finally figured out what to do with lorelai. she'll be spending some quality time with kevin down at center city collision, probably next week. not going to report it to my insurance agent - repair costs are only a bit over what my deductible would be, so i'd rather pay a little extra and not have my rates jump by 30%. below is a picture of the damage, for those that are curious.



sad.

ok, time to be responsible and mow the lawn. was sure i would sleep well last night after walking around for over nine hours, but i must have jazzed my body up because i slept not at all. so i'm dragging a bit. but i figure if i get done now before what looks like rain, i can sleep the afternoon away. that will be good.
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Tunes: joseph arthur - honey and the moon

lorelai's broke

so we're sitting in claddagh last night, celebrating a successful first weekend. suddenly, one of the staff appears in our little room and there's a bit of confusion. i hear the word car and the word silver. i know immediately i'm screwed. once we finally get everyone quiet enough to hear, he says it's a silver honda. i feel a sense of relief. then he says involved with a silver mazda. *sigh* i knew it. so we spill out into the parking lot and sure enough, there's lorelai, bumper to bumper with dawn's (one of the fairies) silver honda accord. obviously lorelai was feeling a bit neglected and wanted to meet one of the other pretty cars in the parking lot.

i'm not completely sure what happened. the parking brake was engaged when i got back in the car, but there was a slight incline to the parking space, so perhaps i didn't engage it enough. regardless, lorelai has hefty dent in her driver's side rear bumper. luckily, the damage to dawn's car was minor, probably buffable (i hope!). there's at least $500 out the window. may have to rethink my van in a van plans. i'm sure this will all be funny some day - oh, what am i saying, it's funny now, in a painful kind of way. it'll just get funnier later.

brent and i are off to KI today - going to be a hot one, so we're going to wait until after lunch then head off to spend the rest of the day. be good to go, though i won't be able to scream on the coasters, which is half the fun. voice is still shot. did discover that while throat coat does wonders for my singing voice, it does nothing for my speaking voice. hopefully a few days rest will help it get back to where it needs to be.

geesh, glad i wasn't in a serious accident and needed my insurance agent to call me back. though maybe he doesn't come in until 10:00. be nice to stop by on the way to KI, since he's right there. we'll see what happens.

better go be a better host. bye.
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one down five to go

how is it that weekends can still feel different, even though you're not working and not actually taking a break? it's like my body actually knew today was saturday and acted accordingly. learned behaviour? years of conditioning? or something more mystical? i know not.

opening night went well. couldn't have asked for better weather - a nearly perfect summer night. good crowd too - a bit unresponsive at first, but they were totally in it by act v, which is when bottom shines anyway. so great to have an audience reacting - jazzes our performance. not a perfect performance, but an excellent opening night. elizabeth and krystal came to show (on krystal's birthday!) which was a pleasant surprise. they enjoyed the show and we talked quite a bit afterwards. tonight amelia and brian are supposed to be there and brent will be here on sunday, along with julie and emma. always good to have friends in the audience, even if you don't know they're there.

the only downside - my voice is shot. all my liquidating and resting went right out the window once the play started. i tried to take it easy, let the mike do the work, but i'm not used to doing that and i tend to fall into my "acting zone," letting the physical stuff go on automatic pilot so i can concentrate on the character/lines. may have to work on that. don't anticipate completely losing my voice, but don't want to risk it, either.

quick plug: if you're ever in sharonville, check out the blue goose. great food, great atmosphere, and they fixed the separate checks issue from last summer, which means the cast is there a lot. their burgers are amazing and their salads would make elaine benes proud.

no major plans for the day - gina needs me to run her to get her oil changed. but beyond that and a nap, i've got nothing before the show. much better timing last night - an hour before seems doable. and God was kind enough to send arby's coupons in the mail, so i had dinner last night for $2.39. if anyone gets the reach magazine and doesn't use the arby's coupons, 'twould be great if you could save them for me and pass them along. i, like many actors, am a bit superstitious, so 'twould like to keep a certain routine going until i have a bad performance, then i'll shake it up. so could be a lot of arby's in my future. not that i'm complaining....

ok, need to go put my costume in the dryer. i should go mow the lawn but don't want to. of course, that means i won't get to it until tuesday at the earliest. so much for my plans of getting all this housework done before the weekend....
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Tunes: def leppard - rock of ages

i know, i'm going to bed, leave me alone

just got back from ally's going away soiree at the grill formerly known as hamburger mary's. sad to see her go, though she did meet the one requirement for friends that move away - going somewhere i might want to visit someday. went after our truncated final dress for midsummer. lovely time for a rain storm. and always right before the play within a play. ah well, probably good for my voice i didn't have to do it. it's a bit on the puny side at the moment - nothing worrisome, just haven't been kind to it this week. personally, tonight's rehearsal was infinitely better than last night's suckfest. wow. amazing what lack of sleep will do to your ability to focus and remember your lines. we are so ready for this show. we had a bit of an audience tonight, which helped a lot because we've kind of forgotten where the funny bits are. good to have that feedback.

the nap this afternoon helped my performance tonight, but not sure it's going to do much for my going to bed tonight. i was good at mary's and drank only water and have avoided caffeine all day. just need to keep doing that for the run of the show.

please, come see it. it's free (donations accepted, of course) and it's fun to see shakespeare outside.

ok, enough begging.

my trip to half price was only partially successful. i didn't find anything to read, but i did pick up one of my favorite emma thompson movies - dead again - for $5. score! also picked up the book of questions to help when i get stuck for journal entries. and i've been thinking perhaps i might go through the book and post my answers to the questions. ideally, it's best to do this in a groups setting, so if you're feeling game (not gamey - that would be me after the play), feel free to play along. won't do it every day and it won't be the only thing i do, but hopefully it might help me be a bit more consistent.

we shall see.

amusing moment from wednesday night's daily show - i guess an arabic interpreter was discharged from the army under the "don't ask/don't tell" policy. his superiors received some anonymous e-mails, so they questioned him. the two questions they asked? do you have any gay acquaintances? and - wait for it - have you done any community theater?

looks like i won't be enlisting any time soon....

bedtime. we open in nineteen hours. woohoo!
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Tunes: indigo girls - closer to fine

friends in the news

DIY Alternative Energy starring Angie and Andy Ferrell (and written by Steven Carter-Novotni)

Local Medical Professionals Find Joy in Making Music starring Jason Seavolt and Kevin Patrick

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mistakes were made

mistake #1: eating at the goose at 10:00pm
mistake #2: drinking copious amounts of iced tea
mistake #3: getting sucked into someone's blog
mistake #4: listening to music as i tried to fall asleep
mistake #5: not finding a way to cool off

all this lead to me not sleeping until around 4:00AM

no prayers today.

need to go eat lunch, but don't know what/where. time to do some grocery shopping but my head's not in it at the moment and i'll just end up buying a bunch of stuff i won't actually be able to use to fix meals (but those doritos looked so tasty - and they were BOGO free).

this day is going to be oh so unproductive, i can tell.

methinks jalepenos is calling my name.

seems the van in a van trip has hit a speedbump - tickets are sold out for the first couple of weeks. doing it over thanksgiving would be best for me - otherwise, with the goofy schedule this year, i may not be able to swing it - trimester doesn't end until december 1 this year. weird.

ahh! i don't want to think about that yet. i still have a couple of weeks....

i need a book to read during the show. geisha is too big to take with me and i would hate to get sweat and makeup on it since it's a borrowed book. see, if i go to jalepenos, i can walk over to half price and i can find myself something. but what? nothing on my radar at the moment. i'll take suggestions, though won't do me a lot of good immediately. but i'll definitely keep them for future reference.

i can feel summer slipping through my fingers. day two of august and i've done...nothing. with plans to do nothing. nothing is good sometimes but not as good as something or anything even. well not anything - that could get me in trouble.

and i've confused myself. stupid lack of sleep.
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Tunes: ac/dc - back in black

what? two in one day?

didn't get home from dress in time to catch my daily dose of the daily show/colbert report, so i'll be taping it to watch it tomorrow morning. which means i have time to do another post and, more surprisingly, a desire to post.

too bad it is about nothing of significance.

here's a quick update of my media indulgences so far this summer, in no particular order:

books

• ragtime - doctorow - B+
  
• jpod - coupland (second reading) - A-
  
• will in the world - greenblatt - A
  
• possession - byatt - A+
  
• perfume - suskind - A
• real sex - winner - B
  
• more ready than you realize - mcclaren - B
  

movies

• xmen 3 - C-
  
• superman returns - C-
  
• pirates of the carribean - A
  
• clerks ii (twice already) - A
  
• the break up - D+
  
• a scanner darkly - A-
• nacho libre - B-
  

music (sorry, no ratings, i like 'em all. and all but rhett comes courtesy of e-music)

• big star - #1 record/radio city
• gary hoey - the best of gary hoey
• tremolo - love is the greatest revenge
• rhett miller - the instigator
• josh ritter - the animal years
• neko case - fox confessor brings the flood
• patty griffin - a kiss in time

took a break in compiling this list to talk to anne, who i haven't talked to in forever. great to catch up with her - she has a marvelous gift and i always feel more loved and appreciated after talking to her. thank you God for weaving her life into mine.

ok, morning prayers are in - eek - six hours. must go to sleep. if i can.
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Tunes: chagall guevara - treasure of the broken land

deceive, inveigle, obfuscate

seriously, what happened to july? i turned around and *poof* it was gone, with nothing to show for it. hmmmm. i know i did stuff. rehearsal mostly. and sweating. lots of sweating. and over the last couple of days, i've spent too much time playing this. my high score is 1171.4

no use trying to catch up. be painful for all involved. so we press on.

i suppose i should come clean. i've rediscovered something over the past couple of weeks, a part of who i am as a person i've kept suppressed for close to 17 years. i buried it because i was ashamed. i buried it because it didn't fit with the image on wanted to portray. i buried it because i hate mockery. but last tuesday, the grave was officially shaken open and out came my secret:

hello. my name is thurman. and i'm a metalhead wannabe.

now i can't lay claim to being an actual metalhead - my taste in metal skews farther toward the hairband side than the speedmetal side (think: more def leppard, less slayer). and i've never really run with the right crowd for it - blame it on my nazarene upbringing and the fact that most metal lyrics leave much to be desired. sorry, just never been a big fan of the apocalypse and rarely feel the need to curse God. i tried the hair in high school (oy, are those pictures i wish would disappear), but it was the 80s and everyone's hair was big.

but man, do i love a good riff and a screaming guitar solo.

been spending the last week listening to all the metal in my collection, which, despite my lengthy denial, is still pretty hefty (over 600 songs). never really gave it up completely - i mean, my obsession with king's x has kept me at least superficially connected. and i can't help but smile every time i hear boston or def leppard or guns and roses reminding me of glorious summer nights back in high school. this is as much a part of me as my more "mature" choices in music, and, because of their role in shaping who i have ultimately become, maybe even more.

i actually began a post about how i became a metalhead wannabe, but scrapped it because i couldn't figure out where to go next. maybe i'll work on it again.

90 degrees at the moment, which means it will be another sweat-filled rehearsal. i pity my fellow actors. last night was rough - heat muddled my brain and i had trouble with lines i've never struggled with before. will be better tonight. a bit scary to think we go up on friday. but it looks to be a great show. oh, and if i happened to send you an e-mail, be aware that the matinees on sunday are at 6:00PM, not 4:00PM. silly me.

and while i'm making large scale announcements, did i loan my almost famous: the bootleg cut to anyone out there? mine has turned up missing and i can't for the life of me remember who i loaned it to. i don't need it back, i just want to know where it is.

spoke briefly with aaron yesterday - i had been a bit in limbo over what was happening as far as our birthing process. a couple of the churches look to begin tonight. and i wasn't sure the one i was to lead even existed any more. but i'm feeling better about it now and am looking forward to seeing where God leads us. still a bit trepidatious, but i don't believe that's terribly unusual in situations like this. a little anxiousness and pain is involved in any birth - only there's no drugs for this one (unless slurpees count...).

ok, time to relax and clear my head for tonight. here's hoping august is more post-filled than july was.
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Tunes: king's x - we are finding who we are

stay on the scene, like a sweat machine

i am the sweatiest man ever. you may think that is hyperbole, but i'm telling you, it's true. just ask anyone who was at last night's rehearsal. clothes drenched. puddles of perspiration left on the ground. looking like i had just stepped out of a pool - a swimming pool filled with bodily fluid. it reached a point where i couldn't be near the other actors or touch them - i was that moist. i could lie down on the ground and do "thor angels" of sweat. ewwww. spent most of my time offstage apologizing. yeah, i know everyone sweats, but not this profusely. it's disgusting. and all i kept thinking was, "at least this was just the play within a play. good thing it wasn't the scenes with bottom and titania." i've got to figure something out for tonight. four or five t-shirts? a wet suit? recommendations appreciated.

this is one of the reasons i don't exercise.

fourth day without morning prayers. unlike the other days this week, no good excuse, other than i was still beat from my bout with insomnia the night before. probably should stop over to st. e's, make sure someone cleaned up the elements. otherwise, it could be a bit scary come sunday....

not much to share - been spending most of my time this week inside trying not to be a slobbery mess. have almost finished x-files season 3. only two more seasons in my collection left to go. maybe not the greatest way to spend ones time, but i've been enjoying it, much more than i would trying to do something outside.

i have nothing left to say.
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Tunes: marah - rain delay

02:30 AM

I too pass from the night;

I stay awhile away O night, but I return to you again and

love you;

Why should I be afraid to trust myself to you?

I am not afraid . . . . I have been well brought forward

by you;

I love the rich running day, but I do not desert her in whom

I lay so long;

I know not how I came of you, and I know not where I go

with you . . . . but I know I came well and shall go well.

I will stop only a time with the night . . . . and rise betimes.
WW

i sleep not tonight, i know not the reason, only my mind will not rest
and so here i am, wondering what may spill from my too-awake brain

a little trepidatious am i

been pouring over my lines for the last 45 minutes, using this granted time to try and get these words woven into my brain, which so far has been teflon-like in its inability to allow anything to stick. as if i needed further proof that i am getting old (getting, thurm? more like been there, living that). not panicking yet - further repetition at rehearsals will help. still frustrating. i've become that actor. grrrrr.

i've not been here for a while, for good reason, which i will not share because i don't desire to. and since this is my space (not myspace) and i can do what i please, i will. please.

clear?

did i mention it's 2:30AM?

rory is caught in a wonderful music current this evening - almost every song is a great one. when the love is goob by the bodeans is streaming now. earlier it included ceremony by galaxie 500, somebody by depeche mode, hummer by smashing pumpkins, matrimony by whiskeytown. quite the range of emotions.

been all over that range lately.

bad news of the day - the extra work i did at the auditorium a few weeks back did not hit my paycheck this week like i needed it to, which means i'm going to have to do some creative budgeting to not go into the red again, like i did this past paycheck. times like this i wish i were paid twice a month instead of every two weeks. every now and then the bills fall between the cracks and i come up just a bit short.

of course, these monetary worries aren't keeping me from trying to find a flight to vancouver in november for the cleverly named "Van in a Van" excursion with the campers. best flight so far is $450 round trip. no idea if that's a good price or not. i've had friends tell me both yay and nay. we'll wait a bit, check my options. will have to take all my personal days for the year to make it work out, but i think it's something i have to do - no regrets, right? and what else would i be using the personal days for?

went to kent this weekend. one simple observation - always a bad idea to see a former infatuation in a bikini.

moving on.

making a quickie trip to columbus this weekend to eat at the thurman cafe and see clerks ii. yes, i'm giving mr. smith a chance to prove that jersey girl was a horrible aberration and that he has not indeed lost his mojo. spent much of last week catching up with mr. smith at his blog and his website. reminded me of why i liked him so much in the past - the boy is quite the story teller. and has quite the way with words if you can get through all the profanity (though i would argue his profanity is part and parcel of his way with words. just won't argue that right now).

ok, 3:00AM is fast approaching and if i have any hopes of actually pulling myself out of bed for morning prayers, i should go give it another shot. but i honestly feel no more tired than when i walked in here. and i may actually feel even warmer - have i mentioned how much i hate the heat?

night.
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Tunes: terry scott taylor - mr. flutter (quite appropriate given my financial woes...)

finally

a summer movie worth seeing.

pirates rocked. 'twas everything a summer blockbuster should be - lots of fun, great characters, enough of a plot to keep the audience interested. and oh that sword fight on the water wheel. very imaginative.

forget X3 (butchers!). forget superman (BOR-ing). go see pirates. i know i will again sometime. best movie i've seen all summer, hands down.
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Tunes: U2 - don't take your guns to town

hey.

yeah, i'm still around. just not in a posting mood.

or a mood i should be posting in.

to elaborate would require more energy than i currently have.

someone called me from a cell phone based in oxford, ohio at 4:04 am. if it was you, please call back so i can yell at you for waking me up and not even leaving a blasted message.

i have poems to write, but the words refuse to come.

i have lines to memorize, yet i haven't touched my script.

i have life to experience, and here i sit.
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Tunes: archers of loaf - learo, you're a hole

unsightly, pus-seeping wounds

this is my life right now. i don't seem to remember having these problems when i've had poison ivy before, but probably because i was too busy scratching the heck out of it, which i'm trying to avoid now that i'm older and more mature.

i'll spare you the gory details.

being the slacker i am, i reneged on my plans to go biking. the only excuse i have is a mockable one - i didn't want to miss the world cup matches. sad, i know. at least today's matches were worth it - yesterday's were just ugly. am going to try and go biking tomorrow. i have an appointment with my insurance agent up in mason, so i have to be up toward the bike path anyway. will probably load up my bike and head up after morning prayers, making sure i stop early enough to cool down and take a change of clothes. not sure how far i'll go - there's a good 25 mile ride, but i'm a bit afraid that might be pushing it since i haven't ridden in a while. but there's a great place to stop along the river, which would be good and relaxing. suppose i can play it by ear - not like i *have* to do anything.

sent out a bulk e-mail about midsummer, only to discover a major typo after i sent it. little embarrassing, but i'm sure my friends will understand. and laugh.

tonight at house church we talked about birthing, trying to figure out where God is leading us now. we're at megachurch size currently and need to get back to simple gatherings. great discussion, good insights and ideas. will meet with julie and aaron tomorrow to come up with some sort of proposal. still not sure how this will work logistically, especially since jeremiah and sarah no longer can host. does this mean i should host in my house? i have the space, though not the furniture. and hosting and leading sounds a bit daunting to me. prayer will definitely be needed.

enough for now.
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Tunes: matthew sweet - i don't want to know warning

hill-air-ee-uhs

coming soon to a crappy network near you...

gardening at the grotto

in this new and exciting addition to the unbelievably-yet-to-be-tapped-out reality tv genre, watch as a new homeowner gets into side-splitting situations as he tries to keep the encroaching weeds at bay. watch in awe as the star, thurman allen, breaks his newly purchased pruning shears after snipping only four stubborn weeds. gasp when, trying to dig up a deeply entrenched weed-tree, the graciously loaned shovel snaps in half, while the weed remains. giggle uncontrollably as thurman walks his lawnmower down his 75 degree angled front lawn, only to lose his footing, unceremoniously landing flat on his back while his (luckily, not running) lawnmower rolls into the street, leaving the poor slacker with twisted shoulders and a bruised ego.

you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scream, "Get those gardening implements away from him!"

get your tivo revved up and ready to go!
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Tunes: old 97's - i'd be lonesome

the last sunday in june

another weekend gone, another weekend closer to them becoming important once again. they lose a little something when you don't have to get up on a monday morning.

not to rub it in or anything.

actually, this weekend i had to be up by 7:00am both days. saturday i worked the auditorium for a huge let's rob parents blind....er....dance competition. fifteen hours, my friends. will be worth it once the paycheck comes, but the during was a bit draining. did get to watch the two world cup matches without too much interruption. did finish possession (a marvelously written book, though i surprised myself by guessing the ending, which is something i rarely do. highly recommended for those of you that love literature - great stuff). did work a bit on my bottom (heh. that just sounds funny). hope to do a lot more of that this week as well as i try to get a firm grasp on my bottom (oh this could go on all night). colin was selling concessions for radio club - good to catch up with him. he's (a sucker) teaching summer school. and house sitting. in goshen. more power to him.

woke up this morning in a funk for no discernable reason. didn't get better on the walk over to church, or during rehearsal, or really during much of the service. my mind was elsewhere but it left no forwarding address - a bit disconcerting to say the least. then, after the service, i had two different people say they appreciated what i said before eucharist. only problem is, i have no idea what i said that i haven't said before. need to spend some time this week looking over the liturgy - have some ideas i need to flesh out (no pun intended....well, ok, maybe a little).

let's see, what does the week ahead hold? oh yeah, nothing. no rehearsal. was supposed to get publicity pictures taken, but judy called and we're holding off until after allen returns. house church tuesday night (sorry allison, won't be able to make the karaoke night, unless you think you might be performing between 8:30-9:00. i'm sure you'll knock 'em dead, though). couple of random meetings/appointments. as much world cup watching as i can. it's happening - my failure to fill my days with stuff to do means my days fill up for me, which usually consists of lying around the house thinking of all the stuff i could/should be doing. not an ideal way to spend the summer. think i might get on my bike and ride! tomorrow - been needing to do that. the question is, do i just tool around norwood, or do i strap the bike on the back of lorelei and head out to the bike path? decisions decisions. maybe i'll leave it for tomorrow...

suffering with poison ivy for the first time in...what, decades? literally. this is what i get for doing yardwork. shoot, i need to mow my lawn tomorrow, too. guess i can do that before i head off on my ride. or after. i mean, i have nothing going on tomorrow. but it will disappear regardless.

funny - matt and kevin walked into church this morning beardless. a sign of what my choice should be? do i follow the cool kids? do i stand as an individual? do i spend too much time thinking about insignificant things?

night all.
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Tunes: dimestore prophets - yeah sure ok monet

what to do

'twas headed out for publicity photos for midsummer (yes, it appears i will be on this year's poster, albeit wearing an asses head) when judy called and said they're going to hold off because of the thunderstorms rolling through the area. so now i find myself with nothing planned for the evening - not necessarily a bad situation - i'm reaching the end of obsession (ED: heh. actually, it's possession. wonder where my head is...) and could conceivably finish it off. will probably stay in and eat dinner here, though the draw of going out somewhere is strong. must...fight...it....

confession time: i'm a world cup junkie. been watching as many matches as i could lately, including today's disappointing match between usa and ghana. the americans just didn't seem to want it, or didn't have the right scheme to get it. got to watch with brandon dawson and julie thompson as neither of them have espn. fun having company over (and yes, i know, i should do it more often), even with the disappointing outcome. i'm drawn to soccer because it's all about process - the very reason it probably will never be popular in here in the states. we're all about ends, the means be damned. me, i love watching the game develop, even if it doesn't end in a goal. journey vs destination. and for me, a 0-0 tie is much more interesting to watch than most baseball games. it's not all about scoring (again, insert your own joke at my expense here).

speaking of jokes at my expense, alexa brought up an interesting point about self-deprecating humor, that there is usually a grain of truth there. perhaps. but sometimes the jokes are too easy to let go by. and i learned long ago, best to make fun of yourself first than to let someone else beat you to the punch. which raises another point i've been pondering since my blathering this past weekend. lori commented: "Do you think that introverts tend to have distorted self images because they lack many of the human interactions which give them a better mirror of who they really are?" my first answer is no, at least not in my experience, basically because i'm not sure how clear a mirror other people are of who we actually are. or maybe it's because i'm uncomfortable with the image reflected back at me. i know i've often been startled by what others thought of me, especially what others thought i thought/believed. maybe it's because introverts tend to be more guarded and so the image presented isn't truly who they are and thus the reflection is veiled. and it's not like introverts have no human interactions - they just tend not to seek them out as readily as extroverts.

i do believe we need others to help us with our blind spots, to point out those qualities, both good and bad, that we are unable to see in ourselves. but we must also be careful to realize that others can only know us so well - no one is us - no one sees the world exactly as we do - no one has experienced this glorious life the same as we do. and while we do well to walk a mile in one another's shoes, we still may never claim we know what it is like to be someone else.

bet you're wishing my pictures wouldn't have been canceled....

weekend should be interesting - well, profitable, anyway. my only responsibility tomorrow is an eye appointment. then saturday i will literally be spending all day at the auditorium - 8:00am-11:00pm. maybe not the best way to spend a saturday, but that's 15 hours of extra money on my paycheck - well worth the sacrifice. and it's at the high school, which means i'll be able to watch dvds in the comfort of jack's office. maybe i should make a trip to the library tomorrow, pick up some stuff to watch.

gone. faretheewell.
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Tunes: big star - what's going ahn?

from a self-proclaimed night owl

seriously, this is exactly what morning is like for me (stupid little sunbeams)....



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Tunes: matthew sweet - spiral

currently avoiding gardening

it's out there. waiting. wanting once again to mock me. and i know i need to go back outside, need to put on the gloves and just get it done or at the very least gather the work from yesterday and throw it into the pile. and yet here i sit, finding every excuse not to return. not that i really mind the work - something incredibly cathartic about grabbing hold of something and yanking the life right out of it (which raises other questions, but we'll leave those for now). and, unlike teaching, i can see the fruits of my labor immediately, can see the progress made. and it's satisfying. and i don't have much more to do. and it's much cooler outside now than it will be in a couple of hours.

but oh do my hamstrings ache.

little frustrated, too, because i spent money at walmart for good pruning shears and they last exactly four weeds. ridiculous. going to see if they'll take them back, assuming, of course, that i can find the broken handle i threw in frustration. hopefully i'll be able to find it now that my glasses aren't smeared with perspiration.

have i ever mentioned how much i hate to sweat?

went out last night and saw nacho libre. was pretty much everything i expected. saw it with a crew from midsummer, which made it more enjoyable, methinks. so much of the movie going experience depends on other people, especially comedies - their reactions, how easily they give themselves over to the silliness. not one i had to see in the theater (and, because of showcases assinine "director's hall," i had to pay extra to sit in seats that made my back and thighs sweat), but fun nonetheless.

since i had such great success with last week's opinion poll, let's try another one. have grown my beard out for summer (yes, i realize it's counterintuitive. like i ever claimed to be logical). but i'm not sure i'm happy with it. so what do you, my faithful readers think? beard or no beard?

that's me, always asking the significant questions...

enough procrastinating. might as well get this done while it's still a bit cool outside.
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Tunes: king's x - freedom

the heart of the matter

been thinking about my last post and the issues raised and it's become abundantly clear i'm missing the point. this isn't about my desires and the apparent conflict between them. this is all about my uneasy relationship with expectations and guilt. this is an ongoing battle, one i've fought for far too long, one i can't seem to overcome.

so why do i feel so guilty all the time? part of it is my perfectionistic tendencies - the desire to always do what is expected and to do it perfectly. intellectually, i know this is impossible. yet i still react emotionally in many situations, especially when my emotional energy is at low ebb. i remember feeling like i never quite measured up, that no matter what i did, i would always fall just a bit short of what was expected - whether those expectations came from outside myself or whether they were invented in my own head.

and i tend to set my own bar quite high.

case in point: last night i was talking to candice about some of this and i mentioned feeling selfish and she said she couldn't imagine me being selfish. i laughed and said she had no idea, but she said, "don't you think i would have pointed it out if i thought you were? as i know you'd do for me?" and i had no response. somehow i've confused having desires with being selfish. the unfortunate corollary to this is i've mistaken denial of these desires for following Christ, which is not what He had in mind. yes, we are exhorted to die to ourselves, but that doesn't mean we kill ourselves, constantly tearing ourselves down. we don't show love to others by hating ourselves.

and i know this, but i don't always let that knowledge affect how i deal with issues. and i have no doubt someday, i will again come here and spew here again. i pray for your patience. sometimes it helps just to get it out. sometimes it helps to have others remind me what truly is important and that my life isn't nearly as distorted as these lenses i wear make it appear.

thanks again to all those who responded, here or in another form. great to know i have friends, even though i don't deserve them.... :)
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Tunes: patty griffin - goodbye

no marrow sucking here

welcome to newton's first law in action - or more accurately, inaction. the momentum i had coursing through my body as the summer began has transmogrified into a disheartening lack of initiative. after morning prayers, i spent all day friday inside my house, accomplishing nothing, touching base with only a couple of friends, unmotivated, the very definition of a sluggard. and honestly, saturday holds little promise. i feared this would happen, my lack of concrete plans turning into an inability to make any plans. i pray this is simply an aberration, but at the moment it feels like anything but.

adding to my existential angst, my schedule for midsummer conflicts once again with house church, leading me to doubt whether it was wise to audition - or, more importantly, whether i am a fit leader for this house church. is it selfish for me to pursue my passion for theatre at the expense of my passion for the church? should i be denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him? is this something i'm meant to sacrifice? but then, as i experienced during my years in lansing, i'm sacrificing part of what makes me me. and i have a difficult time believing God wants me to become less than He created me to be. i refuse to fall into the trap that God's will only means doing those things we don't want to do.

and the voices of guilt come, shouting, "you're letting your church down! you're letting your friends down! you're letting God down!" and i find myself without an answer to them. it all sounds so shallow and self-serving: "but it's what I want to do. it brings ME joy and fulfillment." but if i only serve out of a sense of obligation, then that cannot please God, either. and leading a house church isn't a something i hate or despise - i only feel i'm not doing what a house church leader should do. complicating the matter, st. e's is in the process of birthing, of beginning one or two new house churches. we're looking at transitioning this summer - and i'll be off doing a play. what could be more selfish?

heh. i was hoping by writing out my dilemma it would help me make sense of it. but i only find myself more confused. and while i suppose i want feedback (why else would i post this in a public forum?), i fear the answers i might get, mostly because i assume what i desire - to do both - is impossible and that i'm going to have to choose one or the other. why must our desires conflict? and how do we choose when they do? and how have i not figured this out yet?

ok, time to go do....oh yeah, nothing.
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Tunes: the sundays - wild horses

how quickly the morning steals away

i had so little planned for today. and that is exactly what i have accomplished so far.

who would have guessed the simple matter of naming objects would cause so much discussion. most comments i've ever had. thank goodness it was on something of such eternal consequence. anyway, after pondering and getting a sense of her, my new computer's name evermore shall be:

veronica

now we can move on to the more important issue: am i truly bonkers?

have at it.

spent the morning reading nt wright - have heard much about him, but never really read anything by him. found this website and read several of the articles compiled there. good, challenging stuff. especially liked his focus on imagination and creativity - folds in well with some of my own thoughts lately (which i may someday share here, if i can ever get them to stay still long enough). if you've never read him, you should. his views on christianity, the church, the world are refreshing.

other than that, i've done little else. need to go mow my lawn, i suppose, though i kind of like its rough and tumble look. my neighbors may not agree.

does it frighten anyone else that the best sound system i now have in my house is the one attached to my computer? seriously, it is amazing. the sound is only up 10% and i worry about my neighbors complaining. and i now can play my mp3 player (rory) through my computer, which has been great.

table talk tonight for the rude mechanicals. i have a good idea of bottom, but am curious to see what else will come out of this process. then afterwards i will head down to the-grill-formerly-known-as-hamburger-mary's to catch up with some chess friends. maybe do a little karaoke. make a little love. get down tonight.

bsg or mow...bsg or mow...bsg or mow...ah the eternal questions of summer.

thanks to all who commented yesterday - was great to know there are people out there using my meanderings to break up the monotony of their day. every little bit helps.
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Tunes: elvis costello - veronica

the naming of things

i have what some have called an odd quirk (well, i have many of those, but i want to focus on just one for now). i tend to personify my inanimate objects by giving them names. it all started when i bought my trombone way back. i was at the height of my cyrano obsession, so it was an obvious choice - roxane. from then on, it only seemed natural to name these objects that hold meaning to me. and usually they are allusions to something literary or cinematic. my first car was heather (highlander), my second, guinevere (duh), my mazda, lorelei (gilmore girls); my electric bass, gretchen (king's x); my acoustic bass, daphne (greek mythology); my bike, celine (before sunrise); my tree, jarnsaxa (norse mythology).

those who notice such things will recognize all the names are female. those who like to psychoanalyze can discuss whether i have an unconscious need to possess women. or whether i use the naming as a way to surround myself with metaphorical women since i cannot seem to have a relationship of my own. or perhaps it is my attempt to particularize the feminine side of my personality, to find it in these objects i hold dear. yet again, it might be my way of sublimating my desire to have a daughter by making these beloved objects like offspring. trust me, i'm a therapists dream.

now since i bought my first computer back in 1996, they have always been known as karla, drawing from coupland's microserfs for inspiration. but now, ten years later, perhaps it's time to break from tradition and find a new name. my friend brent recommended scheherazade, which i like from a literary standpoint, but it doesn't really fit this beautiful piece of technology in front of me. i toyed with kaitlin, the female techie from coupland's latest jpod. but it feels a bit like i'm cheating. i'm quite drawn to titania for obvious reasons; plus, it fits the sleek look of the computer.

so, anyone have thoughts? ideas? comment if you would like.
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Tunes: green day - holiday

i don't know whether to be disturbed or amused

waiting....

my new computer is scheduled to arrive sometime between 10:30 and 200 today. and as i am paranoid, methinks i'm going to sit outside on my porch and wait - don't want to have to depend on a doorbell. paranoia is a wonderful thing.

no swimming today - didn't get to bed until almost 2:00 and it seemed unwise to get up and swim at 6:00. of course, i was awake - stupid brain/body will not let me sleep. i'm going to have to do something about this - if i continue in this pattern, my summer will be painfully instead of joyfully long. did make it to prayers, though no one was there at 7:00. sandie showed up, as did kendra, but the prayer books were gone and we couldn't find them anywhere in the church or the brownhouse or the convent. so we improvised and used the eastertide books. obviously we didn't get the message that prayers had moved or changed for the week. was a good time, though and i'm grateful i went. excellent, focusing way to start the day.

toyed with apologizing for the emotional ketchup burst last night about weddings. but then what's the point? if you're reading this, hopefully you get that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and if you don't, well, know that i occasionally wander the melancholy streets of life. and always keep this in mind: things in thurmanworld are never as bad as they may appear here on my blog. really. i have an amazing life, peppered periodically with random moments of melancholia. you get used to it.

ok, off to read some more of greenblatt's book outside on the porch. here's hoping my new computer arrives sooner than later....
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Tunes: stars - your ex-lover is dead

twenty-seven hours

this is the amount of time i spent in a motor vehicle this weekend. just in case you were wondering. 'twas quite the whirlwind weekend - up at 6:00am, out the door by 7:00, in lansing by 11:15 (yes, i *ahem* made good time), el azteco by 11:30, to josh and emily's for the afternoon, the wedding at 5:30, then on the road to upstate ny by 10:00pm. two hours to the border, six hours through canada, one hour to the beach. five hours at the races, then back on the road. stopped in toronto for a spur-of-the-moment dinner with kat. back to lansing by 10:30pm. slept, then back on the road again this morning by 8:00. home by 12:45.

yes, i am that crazy.

the weekend was wonderful - good to spend some time with gary. fun, too, to catch up with some folks i had lost touch with - josh and emily, jacob, the hirns. the wedding itself was unremarkable - the usual rituals, no crazy moments, no horrible homilies. yet i found my mind wandering a bit, found myself wishing, strangely enough, that i could be in gary's shoes, watching my own daughter get married. this is a sign i'm getting old, isn't it - now, instead of thinking about my own wedding, i wonder what it would be like to stand at my daughter's wedding. and i caught myself despairing that i won't ever see that day.

ah. i don't want to talk about that.

i was giddy most of the weekend - still quite excited about playing bottom. i had meant to bring my bill with me, but forgot it at home. no matter as i'm sure there are plenty of cuts and no use doing anything until i see them. i know i have a lot of work ahead of me and a lot of responsibility but, if all goes well, i know it will be worth it. first read through is tomorrow night. can't wait to meet the rest of the cast. i know rhonda's playing puck, but beyond that, i've got nothing. guess i'll find out tomorrow.

well, my new computer arrived this morning. unfortunately, i wasn't here, so they just left a note on my door. *sigh* so i'll wait until tomorrow to get it all set up. even more to be excited about. at least i'll be able to keep myself busy. am hoping to get up tomorrow morning, swim, pray, then wait around. the note said it should be delivered between 10:30 and 2:00 - here's hoping it's earlier than later. i did get the pc essentials suite i ordered, so i can get karla set up for the big transfer. probably will have to delete some stuff to get the program to load - i am completely filled. of course, at the moment i'm not tired at all, so i may do some of that once i'm done here. really, i hope i get this sleep thing figured out before summer is over....

seems to me i have lots of things to share, but none seem to be accessible to my brain at the moment. i blame lack of sleep. hopefully i'll be more on track tomorrow.
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Tunes: suzanne vega - caramel

newsflash!

"I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what dream it was: man is but an ass, if he go about to expound this dream."

let the ass jokes begin - i shall be playing nick bottom in shakespeare in sharonville's production of midsummer night's dream.

clear your calendars, first two weeks of august.

more when i return from my roadtrip.
Æ

next stop: lansing

so should be in bed. not that it's really going to matter since i probably won't sleep more than four hours anyway. i'm not sure why i'm not sleeping, i only know i'm not. which means my trip to lansing could be quite the long one tomorrow....

just returned from seeing X3. bleah. the director just didn't get it. the writers were hacks. the performances were phone in. not quite highlander 2 realm, but there were moments it came awfully close. convinces me of the power of a good director - when the director gets it, it makes all the difference in the world. ah well, at least i have the first two.

had my "date" tonight with jessica. why in quotes? not sure - really was simply dinner at dewey's as she had previous plans. how'd it go, you ask? 'twas much like sunday's meeting - pleasant enough, but a bit strained. honestly, i just don't think she's interested. and this isn't my usual, why-would-anyone-like-me crap. there's nothing there. gina mentioned perhaps she is interested, but is too shy. possibly. unfortunately, i basically need a big neon sign and a smack upside the head for me to "get it," so i'm not too hopeful.

actually at the moment i'm bordering on hopelessness. but it will pass.

callbacks for midsummer are tomorrow, which means i should find out what part i got tomorrow or sunday. again, trying not to get my hopes up too high and i'll have a good time regardless of the part i get. but the dream is to do bottom, which i know i could nail. but it's out of my hands at this point.

as mr. petty sings in the background....

did i mention i should be going to bed and/or packing for tomorrow? but no, here i am, filling cyberspace with my meaningless meandering musing. yes, i like my alliteration.

there's something important inside of me wanting to come out, but it can't seem to do it right now. i know i can't only have these shallow thoughts to share. i can't. but it's all that seems to be coming up at the moment.

seriously, i need to go. i have to be on the road before 7:00 so i can get to lansing in time to enjoy me some el azteco before the wedding. so looking forward to those chips and salsa and those enchiladas. hmmmmm. been too long.

oh yeah, and seeing gary again. and whomever else might show up. haven't really given it much thought, but i at least hope to see josh and emily again. nto sure what other spectres from youth groups past might appear. fun.

ok, just checked the shipping status of my new computer and it looks like it left lexington at 12:26 am. see, this is what i was afraid of. it'll probably show up on my doorstep while i am gone in lansing. i gave gina a key and asked her to drive by, just in case it does get here. would be nice to have it waiting for me when i get back, but would also be nice to not have it stolen from my porch while i'm gone. i think i'm safe - my guess is it shows up on monday, which is still earlier than i thought it would arrive.

sorry, i'm starting to geek out a bit.

yeah, yeah, i know, i'm going to go pack now. i'll update when i get back from michigan/ny state.
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Tunes: josh ritter - thin blue flame

working for a living

well, for some extra spending cash, anyway. yep, at the auditorium again, this time babysitting acting up!'s production of honk jr. haven't had the courage to watch any of it - too occupied writing e-mails and reading greenblatt's will in the world which was kindly left on my doorstep last night by lori. nothing like a little shakespeare to suck me in. quite entertaining.

so this weekend just got a bit more interesting - gary, whose daughter's wedding i am driving to in lansing, wrote and wondered if i might be able to join him for a nine-hour road trip to help his other daughter keep her ranking as the point leader in jet-ski racing. yeah, i know. anyway, looks like we would leave after the wedding saturday night and return sunday night or monday. and as i have...wait, let me check...nothing going on, i told him it would be great. might even curb my craving for a road trip, at least for a bit. good thing my priceline bid failed for the hotel room - if we're leaving saturday night, no need to get a room.

been avoiding any deep thinking lately, so i have no great insights to share with you, my faithful readers. i could wax eloquently about the whole gay marriage amendment, but really, what would be the point? haven't heard back from ryan about the whole emergent church, so no go there. plus, i'm not sure i could articulate what i think at this moment anyway. i do wonder sometimes if once school is out if my IQ suddenly drops several points. i call it going into conservation mode. others call it laziness. history will prove who's right.

the great swimming experiment is going well - been able to pull myself out of bed every morning this week and get a few laps in. had to adjust my schedule a bit since they moved morning prayers to 7:30 (which explains why no one was there monday and tuesday when i showed up at 7:00). not sure the wisdom in getting up at 6:00am and i'm not sure how long i'll be able to do it, but for now it's a good way to start the morning - a quick swim, prayers, breakfast.

sorry to inflict on you the tedium of my vacation-life.

tomorrow i'll be doing a bit of domestic work - cleaning up around the house. since it's official that i'm getting a new computer, i need to make sure my space is ready to go for its eventual arrival. will at least keep me busy for part of the day and keep me from wasting away in front of the tv watching BSG seasons 1-2 (yes ellescriba i watched the miniseries last night. we'll have to talk).

wow. i've bored my fingers into slumberland. time to go. sorry.
Æ

Tunes: death cab for cutie - marching bands of manhattan

anatomy of a set up

first, the preliminaries - i almost didn't go. drove the four hours back from weirton sunday morning and made good enough time that i figured i'd take a short nap. mistake. didn't sleep much and it just made me grouchy. not the best of moods if you're going to meet someone. add to that major wardrobe crisis mere minutes before leaving, and i was a bundle full of fun on the way to the wedding. horrible frame of mind. had i not promised, i would have just stayed home. but i went, met bea at starbucks, drove to meg's then to the wedding.

the wedding itself was lovely - simple, straightforward and very, very crowded. beth knows everyone. there were TEN bridesmaids and TEN groomsmen. just a bit of overkill, but who am i to judge. oh right, someone who's been to far too many of these things. anway, i spent much of the service scanning the crowd looking for jessica. now i didn't know much about her - artist and relatively young. beyond that, nothing. beth was just a bit vague in descriptions. didn't see anyone who matched my preconceptions. so when we finally were dismissed (you know, there's no good way to do this - especially if you're stuck at the back waiting waiting waiting), beth leaned over and said she was in the back on the left in a blue dress. so i looked on my way out. didn't see anyone matching that description. not good.

so we head over to the reception (they had rented out ault park - beth's parents are not poor) and i had pretty much given up hope. i was in a bad mood, i didn't know who jessica was, beth was busy doing bridey stuff, so i was ready to write the afternoon off. then we went to talk to annie, who i had forgotten had actually me the mysterious jessica at a bridal shower. and it was through her i actually was introduced.

first impressions: not at all what i expected. much quieter and subdued - more the contemplative artist than the wild and crazy artist. she was wearing a bluish dress, which is why i didn't find her earlier - i was looking for solid blue, this was more of a patterned dress. we joked early on about beth's pushiness and then she joined us at the table we had commandeered when we arrived.

(aside: i got to spend the day with three beautiful women - meg, bea, kelley. i must have looked like quite the stud sitting at a table, the only guy among all the lovely women. sure, they're all taken, but 'twas fun nonetheless)

we talked, chatted, asked questions - all those things you do during a set up, trying to separate the preconceptions from the truth. and as we talked i came to a startling conclusion...

she's me. in many ways.

not sure how i feel about that. we're both strong introverts, evidenced by the lengthy gaps in conversation at times. we both have elitist tendencies (hers certainly can't be as annoying as mine, but i did get the sense). we both are uncomfortable in large groups and hate talking on the phone. and while it was great meeting someone who understood a lot of my quirks, there's part of me if it might not be too much of a familiar thing. but i'm withholding judgment for now, until we can get together again under less contrived circumstances (though aren't all "dates" contrived?).

so no, it wasn't the miserable experience i feared it might be on my drive there. was quite a pleasant experience. and while there were no fireworks or bolts of lightning, it was a fine way to spend an afternoon/early evening. and we'll see what comes next.
Æ

Tunes: over the rhine - my love is a fever (acoustic)

U2 - get set for summer

let's do this

monday morning. woke around 6:00am - much earlier than i want to. but i figure it will take at least a week to shift out of my school schedule. of course with my sleeping record, who knows what will happen. wandered to st. e's for morning prayer, but alas, no one was there, which leads me to believe it may have been next door at the brownhouse, but by the time i figure it out, 'twas too late, so i prayed a bit on my own, then wandered down to the Y to begin what i hope will become a morning ritual this summer. i swam for about 30-40 minutes, then walked back home. felt good being active, though i've definitely lost my cardio ability. drawbacks of growing old. heading over to the barr's to help get their new sofa/sleeper into the house - ran into dave on the way home from the Y.

those of you looking for a recap of my wedding experience, be patient. i'm working up to it.

i'm going to hate this week. auditioned friday for midsummer and now i have to wait until friday at the earliest to hear what part i got. i REALLY want bottom, but i'm not sure i sold it in my audition. trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it's hard. such a great role. i should have done more prep. i had the whole character in my head, but needed to focus more on bottom's "acting." ah well, it's over now and i just have to wait. and wait. and wait.

the quickie road trip to see brent went well. good driving both ways (which basically means few annoying drivers - the benefit of leaving before 8am) and we had a good time. seems ikea has discontinued the bed frame i was going to buy, so i'll have to look elsewhere. did finally score my STEELERS SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS long sleeve t-shirt. was going to get the "got rings?" shirt, but forgot to bring cash with me. brent said he would pick it up for me, though. figured it would be appropriate to wear here in cincy - nothing like a little dig.... we also watched reefer madness, which was quite entertaining. fun watching kristen bell sing and dance - i'm waiting for the big musical number on veronica mars soon. there's a great song called romeo and juliet all about shakespeare. hilarious. would be fun to play for my classes when we do good old bill. also want to think about dropping references to the film since i get the feeling many of them have seen it, at least certain ones anyway.

moment of panic this morning....sat down last week and priced out a new computer. spent time figuring out how i would pay for it. went back today, pulled up my wish list....and it was gone. lovely. so i used dell's chat feature and was directed back to the page and "rebuilt" the computer i want. should only cost $737, which i can certainly do. think i have everything i need with it, too. will probably order it tomorrow, since my mortgage payment went out today and i get paid tomorrow. be nice to have the upgrade. be nice to have a monitor that i can actually see pictures on (wow, was that a horribly constructed sentence).

ah, will you look at that? time for me to go help dave. and after that i think i'm going to go ride my bike. so i guess my reflections on the wedding will have to wait. probably need to think about it some more anyway.....
Æ

Tunes: old 97's - wish the worst

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Christina Rossetti

leaping before looking

just responded to a post from my friend ryan's blog

http://1-peach-2-peach.livejournal.com/50569.html

now that school is (nearly) over, i'll have much more time for conversations like this one. at least i hope it turns into a conversation.

let's see....exams given? check. exams graded? check. grades entered into the gradebook? check. grades uploaded to edline to give students a chance to complain before i make it official? check. looking forward to tomorrow being the last day i have to get up at 5AM for three months? check.

feels great to be a teacher right now.

busy busy busy tomorrow. school/end of the year breakfast tomorrow at 7:30. getting all checked out, hopefully by 11:30, earlier if i can pull my butt out of bed (we're contractually obligated to be there for four hours tomorrow and can leave once that's done). then, weather-cooperating, i'll head to the island for my first beast fix of the season. maybe a couple. then home to prepare for my audition at 5:00ish. then to the fox and hound for some post-school-year reveling. looking forward to some good, unhealthy fried appetizers and an adult beverage or two (probably just one, knowing my cheap ways). then to bed so i can get up early to drive up to weirton/pittsburgh saturday morning. nothing like hitting my summer vacation running.

things i NEED to do in the next week....

• call for an eye appointment (i am out of contacts and it's been two years since my last checkup)
• call a tree guy to get jarnsaxa healthy
• figure out financing for getting jarnsaxa healthy
• figure out financing for a new computer
• make a list of house-related projects for the summer
• start going to morning prayers
  
• sleep. a lot.

things i'd LIKE to do in the next week....

• do a little volunteering at the fringe festival
• get on my bike and ride
• get off my butt and use the Y membership i've had for five months but never used
• figure out some kind of road trip for this summer
  
• meet the love of my life
• sleep. a lot.

we'll see.

time to do a bit of reading. relaxing. last school night for a while. and all the teachers say, "amen."
Æ

Tunes: suzanne vega - the queen and the soldier

down to two

can someone please tell me why none of the media players i have on my computer allow me to play songs from my mp3 player?

thanks.

first day of exams went smoothly - only one exam, so i spent the extra time tearing down my room, getting everything put away for the summer, packing up books, etc. mostly done with that, which means tomorrow i just have to give my exams and then grade them, which hopefully i'll finish before i leave the school tomorrow. my exam is way too easy, but then most of the evaluation over this stuff was done during the trimester - seriously, if i wasn't required to give an exam i so wouldn't. such a waste. yet given such importance in our school. ah well, 'twill all be over by this time friday.

actually by this time friday i hope to be well into reveling at the fox and hound.

i've also decided to celebrate the end of classes by heading to KI and riding the beast a couple of times in celebration, before i head home to get ready for my midsummer audition. been rereading the play this week, and have a good idea of how i want to read the two characters i want most (bottom/puck). here's hoping it's what allen is looking for, too. i thought about asking him, but somehow that seemed like cheating. not sure why i feel that way - maybe i'm just trying to stay away from favoritism? or even the hint of favoritism? i know it's an unavoidable part of the process, but no use compounding the difficulties, right?

i got lazy this weekend and so am growing my beard back out. i'm in the stubbly wino phase right now - here's hoping it gets better by the time this weekend rolls around.

right...this weekend. heading to pittsburgh to visit brent and ikea. and pick up some steelers stuff since, oddly enough, i can't find any here in cincy. be a quick turnaround - probably less than 24 hours there. going to head up early saturday morning, come back sunday. sunday will be....interesting. see if you can follow this: my friend beth is getting married sunday afternoon. i, however, did not rate an invitation to the wedding. however, beth asked bea to invite me as her date, but not so much so bea has someone to go with but so i will be at the wedding so i can (finally, after months of prodding) meet beth's friend jessica, who is the "artistic coordinator" for beth's wedding. still with me? now from what i've been told, jessica is "perfect" for me. beth (jokingly, i hope) refers to her as my future wife, which was echoed by someone else who met her. even her future husband is actually excited about this meeting.

no pressure or anything.

i'm not opposed to being set up, though it has only happened a handful of times in my life, probably because i give off that "i'm comfortable being single" vibe (that's the explanation i'm sticking with anyway. i don't like the other options....). and if nothing else, it will be fun to meet someone. i'm a bit guarded, though, trying not to get my hopes up too high. the comfort of the pessimist - keep the threat of being disappointed to a minimum. but who knows what will happen.

curious collision: last night on a whim i met bea and went to see friends with money (sorry gina. just kind of happened). the movie rang "true" - the characters seemed real and not mere tools to be used by the director/writer. and the cast was wonderful, especially ms. mcdormand - hilarious. anyway, joan's character raised a question i've pondered myself before - do i have friends who are friends just because i met them at the right time? that if i met them earlier or later in my life, we would never have become friends? it's all about timing, right? anyway, bea and i were talking about this after the movie and i mentioned my friend jennifer - the doctor i've known since we were in grade school. our lives are quite different from the ones we shared while we were growing up and last time i saw her, i wondered if we met at a party or a club now whether we would even have much of a conversation. now, i haven't heard from jennifer since last time i was nyc, which is what, two years ago now? three? and she's moved to florida and gotten married since. i've sent out a couple of e-mails, but nothing, which made me sad because she's one of my oldest friends and i would hate to lose touch. anyway, i opened my e-mail today and there waiting was a change of e-mail address from her. again, timing. so i'll be writing her again and hopefully she'll respond this time. keep your fingers crossed.

spew spew spew.

ok, i have e-mails to write and a poem idea to get down. the year is almost done. and as i mentioned last night at house church, i'm looking forward to taking some time to gather the scattered pieces of my life and seeing what they look like now. who knows, maybe it will be a whole new picture....
Æ

Tunes: rush - ceiling unlimited

up in the morning

let's see, it's 10:11, which means i have been up for, oh, nearly four and a half hours now. not the way i envisioned my memorial day weekend beginning. add to that the inability to sleep last night until around 3AM and you have a good inkling of what my brain is like at the moment. on the plus side, the extra early morning hours have allowed me to get most of my laundry done for the moment. will pull my khakis and jeans out of the dryer soon, put in my whites and bed sheets, then head out to mow my lawn, which means i could conceivably be finished with the chores i set for myself before noon.

now if i can just avoid crashing too hard later today.

for the final friday with students, yesterday sucked. something attacked me, emotionally, and i was out of sorts the entire day. andy joked 'twas from realizing soon my students would be gone and i would be missing them. somehow i doubt it. not that i don't love my students, but i am anxious for the summer to come so i can refresh and recharge. anyway, i felt horrible inside, made worse because i felt myself inflicting it on my students, which they didn't deserve. ah well, 'twill be over soon enough. trying not to think of all i have to get done before tuesday arrives....

already i feel myself gripping time too tightly, watching it spill through my fingers. summer has yet begun and already i feel myself wasting it. i look ahead to the coming weeks and realize i have little planned, which somehow translates itself into doing nothing. which i know is not true, but it's how it feels. i have no trips planned, not now that i realize my hope of making it to nyc to see doug has evaporated (sorry anne. just can't make the timing or the fundage work). so what will i do with my time? right now i depend on making it into shakespeare in sharonville, which i am confident will happen. the question is which role will i play. at least it will take up some of my time, keep me from being a complete sluggard for the summer months. and as nature abhors a vacuum, i know the space will eventually be filled one way or another. i only pray it is with meaningful activity - or non-activity as the case may be.

ali's party is tonight, which will be a wonderful way to spend the evening. here's hoping social thurm shows up and not his melancholy, introverted twin. sounds like 'twould be easy to control, but 'tis not. nappage may be needed to insure the necessary energy. if only i had my hammock....perhaps i should journey to sam's, which i need to do anyway as i am dangerously low on toilet paper and soap.

dryer time. must remove so they don't wrinkle. then mow mow mow. here's to enjoying a glorious day.
Æ

Tunes: teenage fanclub - sharky's dream

moments (stolen)

allison blogged on this and i commented on her blog and since i'm too tired to write anything else, this will have to do for now....

- walking under a tree during an eclipse and seeing hundreds of scattered eclipses from the shadows of the leaves

- sitting under the stars on a florida beach the summer after college, talking with my friends on where we thought we'd be in a year as we watched a storm roll across the horizon

- on my knees in a converted hotel meeting room in denver where God told me the path i had walked for 13 years was no longer for me

- a chilly october night in arrowhead stadium, singing with or without you to no one in particular

- sitting in the back seat of jay's car, holding hands for the first time with a girl i would never kiss

- my lips actually burning after keeping a promise to my friend mike and stealing a kiss from my friend michelle

- the shock of hearing my name called for the best performance award my sophomore year of high school

- rounding the curve on my bicycle, hitting the gravel, and realizing i was headed right for the ditch. i spent the next 13 weeks in a halo

- searching for my ID with stacy and spending hours huddled on a bench sharing dreams and warmth

- having drinks with douglas coupland and a group of campers at a uber-yuppie bar in boston and talking about 9/11 and quilting

your turn. share yours.
Æ

Tunes: chris isaac - wicked game

wishing i wasn't still singing this song....

I can't believe summer's almost here
I made it through another year even if alone
but there's no tears in my eyes
life is still full of surprise
I'm not looking for a one night stand
I stand behind you and I watch you from a mile away
wishing you could be the one but not here this way
I'd like to know your name
and I must know who you are Yeah
I look at you and I know who you are
you're just a little bit too far from my home
but please don't get me wrong even though it has been long
I hope I never sing my last song without someone

king's x - goldilox

Tunes: duh

anyone want a free magazine?

one of my favorite magazines, paste magazine, is asking its subscribers to supply names and addresses of those who would like to recieve a free issue, no strings attached. i love this magazine - great articles, and you get a cd every issue and sometimes a dvd. i've been a subscriber since issue #1 and i have never failed to read it cover to cover. and the cds, unlike some compilations, are full of great tunes.

only catch: i have to turn in my list by may 26 (friday). so if you're interested, e-mail your address to me and i'll make sure you get an issue.

what have you got to lose?
Æ

Tunes: the white stripes - i'm bound to pack it up (e-music added the white stripes to their downloads - woohoo!)

the battle is over....

...but the war rages on.

just a bit of hyperbole here at the end of the first prong of my three battle war with my student's work. the research papers are graded - i will input them into the gradebook tomorrow and pass them back. this leaves only the independent novel projects, which i hope to finish by friday, and their journals, which will be graded while i work at the auditorium this weekend (or on memorial day, if all else fails). spent the afternoon at panera, which worked well enough that i may try it again in the future. they have caffeine-free diet pepsi, which is good news for my overly sensitive body (was up past 2AM last night because of the caffeinated beverage i had last night around 6PM. ridiculous). with each paper graded i can feel another layer peeled off, lightening my load and preparing me for the glory of summer.

i'll try not to get all giddy on yo' asses as the time draws to a close.

thanks for those who provided some insight into my dream. as was pointed out elsewhere, i have indeed had a similar dream before, which i realized as i typed it up. repeating dreams must mean this is a serious issue i'm trying to work out. from my friend alexa: (via http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/w2.htm)

"To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.

To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side."

i hope it's the latter interpretation, 'cause otherwise i need to figure out what my anxiety, bitterness or sorrow is about. though death certainly has been a significant part of my life in recent months. hmmmm. more to ponder (which will probably screw up even more of my dreams).

ok, off to bed. here's hoping sleep slips under the sheets with me much earlier tonight.
Æ

Tunes: the white stripes - you're pretty good looking (for a girl)

bored at lunch

yeah, i can't get the formatting right. sorry. Æ

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.




Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Spider-Man 80% Superman 75% Hulk 70% Catwoman 45% Robin 44% Batman 40% Supergirl 40% Green Lantern 35% Wonder Woman 30% The Flash 25% Iron Man 25%