and so it begins

alarm rattled me awake about 13 minutes ago. and i try to retrain my body to wake up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am. seriously. why must the world be run by morning people? so jealous of my friend candice - her school isn't starting until 9:00am this year. here's hoping it makes her school improve so other places will begin doing so - places like mason.

i'm not going to hold my breath.

rain thunders outside and the lightning jumps up and i get the feeling this is going to be a theme for this week. judging from the three thunderclouds at the top of my browser, i may have to change some of my plans for the week. i'm taking lorelai in to get her fixed up. had thought to try and go without a car, ride my bike where i needed to go, but if it's going to be raining like this, i may have to bite the bullet and rent whatever they can give me for a measly $16 a day. guess i'll see what my options are. i wonder if the rain will keep the arborist from coming out tomorrow. can't imagine they'd do much work in the rain. ah well, as long as it gets done sometime. and i guess this trumps my hopes to hit KI this week too.

i gave the homily at our weekly gathering yesterday. it is exhausting for me. took me most of the afternoon to gather some sense of normalcy and i felt out of it for most of the night. i was even ready to go to bed at 10:30 last night. i probably make too much of it, but "preaching" has never been one of my favorite things. the responsibility overwhelms me. i'm bringing THE WORD OF GOD. little intimidating. and i know He's in control of all that and i'm just His instrument, but it still scares me. i know they recorded it - if they post it, i'll provide the link if you want to hear.

finally transferred all my computer's mp3s to rory. now i have less than one gig left (of the forty it holds). which means i'm going to have to start weeding through what's there as i add music. not good. will probably begin by taking out my musical soundtracks. would like to rerip some of the songs - the emusic stuff ripped at a higher bit rate than i usually use, so they take up more room. i hope there's an easier way to do it than burning them to cd and reripping them. will see.

ok, time to go kill more time before morning prayers. going to miss going to them starting next week. but glad i had the chance to participate over the summer.
Æ

Tunes: triumph - cool down

gethsemani thoughts posted

typed up the thoughts i had on my retreat this week. posted them. all eighteen of them. sorry for the overload. starts on 21 Aug with post titled "the beginning." ends on the 24 Aug with post titled "final entry." they need not be read in order.

off to take a bike ride in honor of my accident. here's hoping history chooses not to repeat itself.
Æ

Tunes: tremolo - we are the new black

twenty years ago today

home

exhausted. who knew a retreat could take so much out of you.

waking up at 3:15 didn't help. at least from a sleep standpoint.

LOTS to share. pages and pages of stuff. will sift through it later. here's hoping it's worth posting.

God is good. now if i can just get some sleep.

why is it i can never find my tape measure when i need it?

ah the eternal questions of existence...
Æ

Tunes: mitch hedberg - houses

final entry

Back in Ohio, at Cici’s Pizza – felt the need to carb up and soak up as much grease for as little money as possible. Yum.

I’ve decided one of the things want to begin doing, as strange as it may sound: I am fasting speeding. On the way to the abbey and on my return trip I decided to take it easy and actually go the speed limit the whole time. Now I don’t speed excessively – I usually keep it between 5-10 mph over. But the time saved isn’t worth my frustration level – or the well-being of Lorelai. And I certainly can’t afford a ticket at this point in my life. Or an accident. And as a bonus, my gas mileage has been outstanding on this trip.

But this is not why we fast. Yes, there are physical and monetary benefits. But more importantly, it will remind me not to be in such a hurry, to appreciate the journey and not focus so much on getting to the destination as fast as possible.

I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. I wrote a lot these past few days. Over fifteen pages in my little Moleskine notebook, which might not seem much, except I write small enough to fit two lines on each normal line. 22lines per page, doubled… you do the math. I should have time tonight. And I’ll probably use that time to reflect a bit – still too close at this point.

Time for dessert, then off to the Grotto. Good to be home (almost). Æ

24 Aug 8:15 AM

Room is stripped, car is packed. All that remains is Br. Christian’s talk and quick stop by the gift shop to pick up some fudge and a calligraphy print of the Prayer of St. Francis for my wall. I broke my fast this morning by taking the Eucharist. God didn’t strike me dead, so I think I’m OK. Today is the feast of Bartholomew, one of those apostles I know little to nothing about. Perhaps I’ll stop up in the library before I leave – though I’m a bit anxious to get on the road. Not that I want to leave this place, but I know I must come down from the mountain – there’ll be no building of tabernacles here.

I overestimated how hungry I was at breakfast – I always think I need to make up for lost time. Now I’m a bit queasy – hopefully it will fade. I need to make fasting a regular part of my life – either on a consistent basis or by giving up a particular desire for a period of time. My study of the disciplines has shown me how necessary they are to life – and how lax I have been with them. One of my hopes for the new church is that we’ll focus on the disciplines, supporting one another in our efforts to seek out grace. I’m tired of just showing up and seeing what happens (Napoleon’s battle plan according to Casey on SportsNight) I must actively seek God with all my heart – only then will I be able to wait on His goodness.

_____________________________________

When asked why women are kept out of the abbey, Br. Christian said because they are the most wonderful thing in the world and it would be too easy to focus on them instead of Christ, that our desire to connect with the other would find its focus in the women standing across from us everyday. If you’ve given something up, you don’t set it before you to stare at it.

24 Aug 4:35 AM

After Vigils, I walked up the hill across from the Abbey to where the statue of St. Francis stands. At least I think it’s St. Francis – I’ve not been up there during the day. I wanted time to think under the stars and a silence you don’t find at other times of the day. My favorite constellation, Orion, was climbing out of the eastern horizon, locked in his eternal battle with Taurus. And there were the Pleiades, riding the bulls back. I wonder if any society will ever again paint their stories on the stars. Has our knowledge of the stars robbed them of their wonder, their ability to help us tell our stories? As I look at the twinkling sky, I am reminded that the light I see is thousands of years old, tens of thousands. And somehow that ancient light has reached my eye, triggered my thoughts. Amazing.

This morning reminds me of the opening of Our Town, as the Stage Manager sets the scene. The stars still up, a mist covering the hills, the sounds of day beginning – the roosters crow, the lowing of the cows, the distant crashes in the barns. It’s a peacefulness I rarely let my self experience.

While I sat on a dew-soaked chair beneath St. Francis, a bird landed behind me, singing its morning song. And I wished I knew what he was singing, what wisdom to impart, what beauty to reveal. I felt him singing only to me, for my benefit. I know the world revolves not around me, and yet there are moments where the world stops as if making sure I’m paying attention. This morning was one of those moments.

My God, I pray better to you by breathing,
I pray better to you by waking than by talking.

O God, my God, the night has values that day has never dreamed of.
T. M.

when i look up at the stars at night
what could i find beyond the light
a hundred million worlds that we ignore
who can restrain pleiades
or know the laws of heavenly's
how many times have we been wrong before

KX

23 Aug 8:00 PM

No clouds on the horizon to break up the sunset, which is sad, because you need them to make a sunset spectacular. Instead the sun hangs stagnant in the air, too bright to look at, too bright to watch its descent. Sometimes you need the clouds.

Or a good pair of sunglasses.

Funny idea (or at least I think it’s funny now. But I’ve not eaten for 24 hours so all bets are off). Since for this online dating thing I’m basically trying to sell myself, I thought maybe I should gather some testimonials, reach out to the plethora of female friends I have and have them say what’s good about me. I mean, they know better than I what women look for, so they could emphasize my true strengths instead of what I imagine my strengths are. Of course, I’ve never actually dated most of them, but the prospective buyers don’t need to know that.

Oh what a tangled web….

The sun looks now like the mushroom cloud of my youth, rising above the tree line, announcing the end of the world.

And now it’s gone and the world is safe once more. And all that remains are circles and half-circles burned on my retinas. And I am reminded of Cyrano’s words:

You know how, after looking at the sun,
One sees red suns everywhere – so, for hours
After the flood of sunshine that you are,
My eyes are blinded by your burning hair!

Yes, that is love.

A secret: I wrote the following on a slip of paper and slipped it in the cracks at the base of the stone cross on the hill that watched the sunset with me this week:

i seek Your kingdom
for therein lies the other
calling out my name

I hope, when I return (and I will return, though probably when it’s a little less buggy) to find that slip of paper – and to know by then who the other is.

Hope springs eternal.

As I turned to head back toward the Abbey, the sky was streaked with sherbet-shaded clouds. They’d been keeping their distance from the evening’s angry fireball.

And now I pray for sleep, so I may wake refreshed, ready to sing my final prayers here at Gethsemani. Lord, grant my body rest. Lord, grant my mind rest. Lord, grant my spirit rest. Lord, renew my strength. Æ

23 Aug 6:40 PM

I must have been quite the sight on my walk this afternoon with a baby-blue hand towel draped over my head to keep the sun from scorching my oh-so-ready-to-burn skin. But it was good to walk and listen. I’ve always done my best praying on the move – walking, bike riding, driving. The motion focuses me in a way sitting, kneeling or standing does not. I’d like to find a path through my neighborhood, to walk my prayers when I get home. Then I’ll need only to set aside the time.

I feel it could be an early night tonight – Compline, up the hill to watch the sunset, then to bed to sleep, perchance to dream. The plan is Vigils tomorrow, the Lauds and Mass, break my fast (if I haven’t already – the kitchen is open all the time), Terce, Brother Christian’s talk, then home again, home again jiggity jig jig. Should get me back to Cincy between noon and one, where I know my overgrown lawn awaits. Will probably run to Lowe’s first, to get a nut for my loose lawnmower wheel and stuff to hang my graciously donated hammock. Hopefully the lovely people at Lowe’s will help me figure out what I need.

Can you tell I am brain dead? My head aches from fasting and I find it hard to focus. I may not even write more after this. We’ll see how I feel.

The milk they serve in the dining room must be the same they use to make their cheese – same distinctive after taste.

When I start writing about after taste, it’s time for me to stop writing. Æ

23 Aug 3:20 PM

Remnants of an old gate stand stiffly here in the deep woods. Torn down for spite or for freedom I cannot tell. And what did this gate mark – I can see no buildings from where I stand. What did this gate hope to keep out? Or maybe keep in?

As with most wild spaces in America, there are signs of the uncaring – crushed beer cans in this instance. I’ll never understand how someone could stand surrounded by all this beauty and be calloused enough to casually leave your waste, tarnishing nature for all who come after you. I want to declare this part of our consumeristic society that sees things only as objects for our use and abuse. But I think the problem is deeper than that. We’ve grown arrogant, refusing to see our place in Nature, instead seeing it as a conquered foe. It’s why disasters like Katrina confound us so – it’s an uprising from an enemy we thought subdued.

Father, my body is hungry, weak and sore. My mind is unfocused. Fill my body with Your food, with Your strength, with your comfort. Clear my mind of all that is not You. This time I offer up to you – whisper your words to my heart. Lord, help me hear them.

23 Aug 2:30 PM

I fear my afternoon walk will be a hot one and thus a short one. But at least I’ll return ready for a nap, which my body craves right now.

I find myself disappointed with Willard’s book. Not that he’s making claims I disagree with – what he has to share is important and an excellent reminder. But it’s yet to challenge me, to call me upward, to reorient my heart toward Christ. Perhaps it’s because I’ve heard this call before and need only to recapture it.

I have appreciated his emphasis on effort, not earning. True, we cannot earn grace, but that does not mean we passively wait for it to arrive. We earnestly seek it wherever it may be found. I, in my journey, have been too willing to sit back and let God come to me. The same is true of my relationships – too firmly hoping the other will just happen into my life. We are called not just to “wait on the Lord” but to “seek first His kingdom.” You cannot seek by standing still – you must grab your pickaxe, your compass and your night goggles and search this wide world over.

And on that note, I walk. Æ

23 Aug 9:00 AM

A person is someone who must give all themselves to another person and who receives everything in return. – Brother Christian

To think I almost skipped Brother Christian’s talk. It fits so well with what I was writing about earlier – I want someone to give myself to, someone to receive from. I seek this, this definition of personhood, now through Christ – giving all of myself to Him, for He has given me all I am. And yet I desire this with another person as well. This does not diminish my relationship with Christ, but would amplify it, as other is in relationship with Him, too. The more love I give, the more I have to give. The danger here is focusing all my energy on finding the other to the detriment of my life with Christ. He must be primary. He must always come first. He must increase and I must decrease – not to nothingness, but to my proper place.

The Lilies

Hunting them, a man must sweat, bear
the whine of a mosquito in his ear
grow thirsty, tired, despair perhaps
of ever finding them, walk a long way.
He must give himself over to chance,
for they live beyond prediction.
He must give himself over to patience,
for they live beyond will. He must be led
along the hill as by a prayer.
If he finds them anywhere, he will find
a few, paired on their stalks,
at ease in the air as souls in bliss.
I found them here at first without hunting,
by grace, as all beauties are first found.
I have hunted and not found them here.
Found, unfound, they breathe their light
into the mind, year after year.

Wendell Berry

23 Aug 7:45 AM

Sleep eluded me again last night, at least until after Vigils, when I crashed hard for an hour or so. Thankfully I’d set the alarm, though there’s something not quite right waking here by electronic beep.

The mass today was for St. Rose of Lima, who exemplified sacrifice in all things. The common for today? Common for a virgin. I couldn’t help but smile.

The reading for Lauds again came from Song of Songs. I hesitate to read into this, but I can’t help but ponder its significance given relationships were one of the things I came to pray about.

Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing—
it sweeps everything before it.
Flood waters can't drown love,
torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—
it's not to be found in the marketplace.

8:6-8 (The Message)

So does this mean I should eschew the marketplace, forget about finding love online? Hardly. I’m not looking to buy love, though I’m sure money will be involved. And while things are sold online, what I’m seeking is not.

This view of love, of passion, colors what I seek. If I can’t have this kind of love – laughing at the terrors of hell – then I’d rather have nothing.

The sweet, fragrant curves of your body,
the soft, spiced contours of your flesh
Invite me, and I come. I stay
until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.
You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love,
beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.

4:6-7

I’ve been told many times I’ve set my sights too high, place my standards out of reach. But this is love we’re talking about! Unquenchable passion! Why would you settle for anything less than your heart’s desire? I refuse to seek only to have, for it diminishes both. I seek not mere contentment, but ravishment. Not security but passion. Not just something, but everything, everything, everything. Æ

22 Aug 10:20 PM

Late evening walk to soak in the stars. Oh so many – an O how they swirled tonight, drawing all to a single point. And for the first time in years I saw the Milky Way weave its way across the sky.

How wonderful the darkness that bring the stars to light.

I searched the sky for falling stars, but they stood fast tonight, content in their spaces. I used to pray for them as signs, God’s writing across the sky that what I prayed for was deemed worthy. And I still hope to see them, though I know God’s still there no matter if they tumble.

Best to bed if I hope to make it to Vigils at 3:15AM. Will have to set the alarm since I cannot hear the bells. My fast has begun – Father, draw near to whisper the words I need to hear and grant me the sensitivity to listen…and to act. Æ

22 Aug 8:15 PM

I’ve always loved an August sunset, watching it slip through clouds to become a perfect circle of burning red refracted by the haze, backlighting the scattered clouds, changing them from light to dark. I cannot stare too long or else I’ll see its image all night, which might not be so bad. I’m reminded of summers twenty years ago now – coming home from church softball games, thinking about the girl who loved me and who I discovered I love too late. This Saturday marks the end of that fateful summer, where speed and recklessness conspired to crack my vertebrae, enwrapping me with a halo for 13 weeks. It doesn’t seem possible that day could be so distant, that so much time could pass. In some ways I will always be that sixteen-year-old boy, trying desperately to fall in love, electrified by the slightest touch, unsure of myself and what I have to offer. That fledgling relationship set a pattern I’ve yet to break – my cluelessness when it comes to women, my second-guessing, my insecurity – all those glorious traits that make the women swoon.

Nature break: a family of deer just scampered out of the woods to my left, above a freshly mown field resembling nothing so much as a labyrinth. I’m glad moments like that still hold wonder for me.

OK, break’s over.

Nothing’s more attractive than confidence, or so I’ve been told, and yet it’s the one thing I lack most. Intellectually, I know I have a lot to offer. But inside I’m still that sixteen-year-old, finding it hard to believe the girl everyone else wants is smitten with me.

Or wondering why the girl I like likes someone else. Æ

Woods

I part the out thrusting branches
and come in beneath
the blessed and the blessing trees.
Though I am silent
there is singing around me.
Thought I am dark
there is vision around me.
Though I am heavy
there is flight around me.

Wendell Berry

hail poetry

a tail of spectacular blue
whispers blithely between the cracks
shifting from shadow to sunlight
as it hides on the underside of cool stone
suddenly it reappears
sunning itself
and I cannot help but wonder
if I took hold of that blue
if you’d leave your beauty in my grasp
returning to the darkness amputated
to dream colors unimagined
for a tail you cannot see

I scarcely believe
I sat still so long as you
weaved your deadly threads

the evening’s fading
light beckons silent dreamers
climb to watch me fall

clouds transform the sun
a liquid jewel melting
over still treetops

22 Aug 4:20 PM

There’s a bird in the room next to mine. Perhaps it too is on a retreat, escaping from its own chaos, locking itself in a tiny space so different from the expanse of sky it normally inhabits. It looks to be dove – so often a sign of hope and of the Spirit's presence. A good omen, methinks. Æ

22 Aug 1:45 PM

The path is marked by those who have gone before. They’ve left behind remembrances – words to inspire, artifacts to catch one’s eye. Nothing points to them – we discover them on the periphery as we take in nature around us. A crèche set stands in a miniature cave in the side of the hill, waiting for tiny shepherds to arrive. A plaque announces this tree split once upon a time, only to realize its mistake and grow back into one. A glittering house sways peacefully above a painted stone proclaiming tranquility. It’s not why I came to the woods, but I’m thankful for their presence.

May we always remember that the church exists
To lead men to Christ in many and varied ways
But it is always the same Christ.

Dedication Stone, Garden of Gethsemani

All He asked was to watch and pray while He went on ahead to pour His heart out to the Father, to beg this cup be taken from Him, to find some other way, some other path. That was His will – but it was not the Father’s. How this moment must have prepared Him for the hours ahead – the betrayal, the agony, the abandonment.

What does Christ ask of me? Does he ask knowing I will fail? Did He know the disciples would fall asleep? He knew Judas was coming. But maybe He hoped for better from these three, those closest to him.

I do not doubt they tried. But the hour was late and they had shared a large supper. The spirit, the flesh and all that. And I know I would have joined them, leaning together, my mind and body overcome. And how sad I would have felt, knowing I’d let my Teacher down. Not once, but three times.

Forgive me for not being there for You, for letting my weakness keep me from watching and praying.

Help me remember your loneliness in the midst of mine own. Æ

Let me then withdraw all my love from scattered, vain things – the desire to be read and praised as a writer, to be a successful teacher praised by my students, or to live at ease in some beautiful place – and let me place everything in thee where it will take root and live instead of being spent in barrenness. T.M.

silence seeps into
our chaotic lives filling
Love’s empty spaces

come wait here to hear
the silence whispering hope
to listening hearts

22 Aug 9:16 AM

I attended mass today and found myself torn. I am confident I could take the elements and not violate God’s holiness. And yet, as a visitor, not recognized by the Catholic church, I simply folded my arms and received a blessing. I understand the theology and appreciate the sanctity of the Eucharist for Catholics. But I couldn’t help feeling less than, excluded, unworthy. I, too, wanted to come to the table, to take in remembrance, to take of the Body and Blood. And who are they to proclaim me unfit, not a true member of the Body of Christ?

I refrained out of respect for their beliefs, but at what cost? I seek only to be united with Christ, to experience Him, to have his grace focused on me. And while the blessing was appreciated, I missed the Meal.

Strangely enough, one of the prayer cards available at their welcome center had these words from Merton:

“We will never fully appreciate the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist until we see the ultimate connection that exists between the mystery of the Holy Eucharist and the mystery of the Church, the Body of Christ.”

I’ll have to ponder this mystery some more. Æ

22 Aug 8:00 AM

I cannot hear the bells from my room, which seems odd. Probably because I have two fans going. Next time I’ll get a room on the other side of the hall.

No sleep last night, but vivid dreams (yes, I realize that’s contradictory). I meant to write them down as I remembered them, but could not find the strength to get out of bed (read: lazy). The one I do remember was quite abstract – there were multi-colored soap bubbles, fragile worlds floating. Each one represented a person’s life; entire lifetimes filled each filmy sphere. Every now and then the bubbles would collide, trying to assimilate all that was within them into a new, larger sphere. Sometimes it worked and was beautiful. Sometimes the added weight caused the bubble to sink. And sometimes the bubbles simply bounced off one another and floated away. There seemed no rhyme or reason – you had to collide and take your chances.

No doubt where my mind is.

Couple of thoughts – as I waited for the stars last night, I used the fading light to read the introduction to Merton’s Dialogues with Silence. For those not familiar, Gethsemani is where Merton lived, so I thought it appropriate to bring with me. One of the quotes struck a chord that has continued in prayers this morning:

The true contemplative, is not one who prepares his mind for a particular message that he wants or expects to hear, but is one who remains empty because he knows that he can never expect to anticipate the words that will transform his darkness into light. He does not even anticipate a special kind of transformation. He does not demand light instead of darkness. He waits on the Word of God in silence, and, when he is “answered,” it is not so much by a word that bursts into his silence, it is by his silence itself, suddenly, inexplicably revealing itself to him as a word of great power, full of the voice of God.

Then this morning at Lauds, we sang Psalm 38 and one of the verses why do we wait when God is all that we need?

“And now, Lord, what is there to wait for?
In you rests all my hope.”

We also read from Song of Songs, but that’s a discussion for another time….

I did come here with an agenda – what I wanted God to show me, to make clear. But I see now I need only to allow His silence to speak what He wants me to hear – now what I want me to hear. I still will lay those at His feet this week, but will open up to hear what else he might say to me.

Looks like the sun is finally scattering the morning fog. Time to go listen to some words of wisdom from one of the monks. Æ

21 Aug 8:15 PM

I sit on a hill across from Gethsemani, watching Brother Son traipse through the clouds, heading toward the horizon. There’s a peacefulness here, broken only by the occasional car moaning down Rt. 247. A summer haze coats the land. Two fellow retreatants wander down a road toward some distant woods a good distance from the abbey. I’ll get there myself before my time here is gone. But tonight is for stillness.

I can already feel the rhythm of my life slowing down, meandering where it used to scurry, patient instead of anxious, peaceful instead of worried. It’s a Wendell Berry scene, complete with abandoned barns, stalking cats, mirthful crickets and distant barks. If only the cars would stop driving by.

I easily see myself living this life – the daily prayers, the singing, the life of silence and solitude, waking every morning with no agenda but to worship my Father. And I know the journey is to seek that life in my own, to see the normal rhythms of my life as my worship, to seek, not the removal of distractions, but God hiding within them.

The suns final light just slipped behind the trees and soon the day will give way to the stars. I plan on staying here long enough to see the exchange.

I think one of the hardest things for me to give up were I to seek this lifestyle (and I’m not seriously considering it for those who might wonder), would be the company of women. Not the sexual side – I’ve gone this long, what’s another 36 years? – but actual friendship with the fairer sex. I’ve not had many deep male friendships, at least none as close as my female ones. I’ve naturally gravitated toward the feminine. I’m more easily annoyed by my male friends, probably because I more readily recognize in them the characteristics I despise about myself. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I loathe being a man and wish I were a woman. My list of reasons I’m glad I’m not a woman is infinitely longer than why I don’t like being a man. But my personality is far more feminine than masculine, at least as far as stereotypical traits go.

No stars yet. Methinks the haze is keeping them at bay for now.

One of my hopes for this week is to get a clear picture of what this new house church should look like. I have these vague ideas I’d like to see crystallize. The vision is to create a community using liturgy and tradition to shape that community, focusing on the disciplines to bind us together and set us loose on the world around us. I want to spend time reading Willard’s The Great Omission which I’ve brought with me. The Divine Conspiracy rocked my world what, eight years ago? Geesh. Here’s hoping the same happens again.

Light is fading and I think I’m going to lie down and watch the stars descend. The sky’s a smudged pastel and I’m craving the darkness. Night. Æ

waiting for a star
brilliantly flinging itself
across the darkness

the beginning

SnS, outside Georgetown, KY. On way down to Gethsemani for some solitude and getting away before the chaos begins again. Looking forward to being disconnected for a bit, seeking and hopefully finding a different rhythm this week. I’m also seeking direction on specific areas of my life – church and relationships for sure, others as God speaks to me. Ample time will be set aside for listening. And hopefully for writing. Already forgot to bring a larger notebook and, more importantly, a fan. Website said they provided them there – there’s hoping it’s true.

I’m not quite ready to let summer go just yet, but I feel the approaching shift toward autumn and my heart is happy and sad. Summer began, as it often does, with me knee-deep in hope. Love seemed to dance on the horizon and I envisioned warm nights spent discovering another’s depths. Alas, ‘twas not to be. And then unrequited love appeared again with me as the unrequiter. And I would have felt worse had I not been on the other side more times than I can count. Now there’s two weeks left and life is the same as it ever was. Yet I’ve not left hope behind and I find myself willing to take a new step, abandon preconceptions in hopes of discovering love hiding among the ones and zeroes.

But I have more pressing concerns. God called me to help birth a new church and so I seek to know His desire for this new adventure. I have inklings, but I want to know they’re His as well. And I’m praying He’ll draw others. So I wait, something I’ve had lots of practice with, though I’m not convinced I’m still very good at it.

Time to hit the road again. More later. Æ

to gethsemani

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself.

And the fact that I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you, does, in fact, please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

--Thomas Merton

i almost died twice this week

ok, maybe not death, but at the very least, severe injury. i've decided cincy is the most un-bikefriendly city in the world. combine cyclists who don't know what they're doing, with people that barely know how to drive and certainly have no idea how to drive around cyclists, stir and you have almost certain mayhem. my first experience was monday - i had ridden my bike to oakley library to pick up some books and then to norwood library for some more. on my way down allison, i signaled that i would be turning left onto courtland. a large black pick up pulled up at the stop sign and stopped. i don't know if they didn't see me or didn't know i was signaling to turn left (i mean, what can i expect, most people in cincy don't know how to use the turn signals in their own cars, much less the proper signals for a bicycle), but as i made my turn, they began to pull out, coming within inches of running me over. left me a little frustrated, little shocked. nothing like an adrenaline rush at the end of a ride.

then yesterday, i decided to ride to mariemont because, well, i've been feeling sedentary this week and wanted to shake off some of the malaise i'd been feeling. i followed mapquest directions to rt 50 and while i was heading into mariemont, i hit a stretch of road where some paving work had recently been done. unfortunately, it didn't reach all the way to the curb, and as i avoided a sewer grate, my tires caught the groove, which nearly sent me sprawling into the traffic coming up behind me. scary, scary moment. made me long for the bike path (which is one of the reasons i wanted to bike to mariemont, to find the best route to getting to the bike path in milford. not sure i've found it yet, but i hope i get the chance to ride out there before summer is gone).

and summer is quickly fading. technically, i still have two full weeks before we start back up, but those days are already filled with stuff. monday i leave for gethsemani for some solitude and time to process before the school year starts. looking forward to hearing what God has to say and where He is leading. after the scattered nature of this summer, i'm hoping for a little focus.

still no idea when i'm leaving for the reunion tomorrow or if i'll be heading out with the 'rents or not. get the feeling i'm just going to have to drive up on my own. i mean, what's another $50 in gas, right?

had breakfast with steve this morning after prayers. interesting conversation about drugs, parenthood, sex and dating (separate parts, not all together - that would just be weird). he gave some good advice on the whole online dating thing, which i still haven't completely followed through with. still stuck on the "ad" portion. never been very good at selling things. i just need to do something - not like i can't alter it later (heh. don't you love anagrams?).

enough rambling. only solid thing on the agenda today is the cookout tonight at the brownhouse - first time i've been able to go. also need to download my monthly songs from emusic before they expire on sunday. was going to cancel after this month, but have decided to go one more month. want to pick up the decemberists and possibly the new leigh nash. we'll see.
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Tunes: new order - krafty

question two

do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?

i stand with bill here:

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy

i've always had a fascination with ghosts. some of my earliest memories are of reading ghost stories or hearing them and wondering about them. i had an old alfred hitchcock record that i listened to over and over and over again. strangely enough, it's hard to scare me now. rarely does a horror film get me worked up. i do believe there are inexplicable events in this world that we cannot make sense of. and i believe some of them may be caused by someone beyond the grave.

look, if we are truly immortal souls and if we truly believe there is more to our existence than this earthly existence, then why would we deny the fact that perhaps souls find their way back to us? i know for a long time we've sought to limit what is true to only what we can prove. i just can't buy that. it's like the celtic idea of "thin places" where another world exists just the other side of this one. and sometimes there's crossover. and just because it doesn't fit into our box of reality doesn't mean it isn't true.

as for spending the night alone in a supposedly haunted house....i don't know. i definitely could see myself getting myself totally worked up over every little sound. and it being remote - i just imagine myself becoming spooked and running out of a room, only to knock myself unconscious where i would be left while spiders and all kinds of creepy things crawled all over my body.

ah the joys of an overactive imagination.

so yeah, i believe in ghosts. and spirits, both good and evil. and i'd probably spend the night in a haunted house alone - as long as i was assured there were no spiders. ghosts i can handle. spiders are a whole different story....
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Tunes: grant-lee phillips - lonesome serenade

a quickie

need to be heading downstairs to fix something edible for tonight's house church but wanted to check in.

the good news: i bit the bullet and talked to my insurance agent and found out, because i've not had an incident in over ten years, my little fender bender will not negatively affect my insurance, meaning my rates will not go up. this is excellent news to me. so now i just have to wait for state farm to call me back with a claim number and i'll be able to get lorelai looking beautiful again. and it should help dawn get her car back in order as well. the part is waiting at kevin's, so now i wait.

i also called gethsemani today to see about doing a retreat there next week, but they didn't return my call today. hopefully tomorrow. be good to get away, get focused before the school year begins. lots of thoughts and experiences to process.

family reunion is this weekend - i was going to be speaking at our weekly gathering, but kevin graciously agreed to switch with me. i don't do nearly enough with the extended family and it's always a good time. i'm hoping things work out so i can ride up with mom and dad - save me the four-hour-plus drive and the gas expense. would like to get home semi-early on sunday - alison's having a new house warming get together at her new place and since there's a pool, sounds like quite the shindig.

why is my first reaction upon hearing someone likes me always, "You're kidding, right?"

picked up three books to read yesterday - anansi boys - gaiman; son of a witch - maguire; the great omission - willard. now with nothing going on in the evenings, i should have plenty of time to read. also watched wallace and gromit, but need to do so again because i kept fading in and out (my fault, not the movie's).


cooking time. more later.
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Tunes: lost dogs - the business is going down

heady thoughts for a weekend

stolen from alan creech....


"...love is not a matter of getting what you want. Quite the contrary. The insistence on always having what you want, on always being satisfied, on always being fulfilled, makes love impossible. To love you have to climb out of the cradle, where everything is 'getting,' and grow up to the maturity of giving, without concern for getting anything special in return. Love is not a deal, it is a sacrifice. It is not marketing, it is a form of worship."
Thomas Merton, Love and Living

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Tunes: the pine valley cosmonauts - gallows pole

i can't believe i'm doing this

i've spent the morning scanning the internet, getting information on something i've been adamantly opposed to in the past:

online dating services.

this change of heart came from a l-o-n-g discussion with my good friend kat and a realization that my normal modus operandi has not been helpful.

now i've always considered online dating the last resort - the final step after all other options had run their course. in my head (which is a frightening space indeed), online dating was only a heartbeat away from accepting i would be single for the rest of my life.

these are my issues and not meant to be disparaging toward anyone else.

but after nearly eleven years with nary a relationship, i suppose it's time to admit that i suck at this and that i need to get some help. plus, kat assures me this is the way things are done now and who am i to stand in the way of progress.

one problem though: i've discovered i suck at this, too. spent most of the morning on one site, filling out their probing questionnaire, feeling like i was giving the wrong answer only to get near the end and completely collapse. they wanted Your profile headline (2 characters min., 128 characters max.) and Tell us about yourself and who you're looking for. (200 characters min., 2000 characters max.). and i had no idea what to type/write. none. so i've walked away. maybe something will come to me soon. i sure hope so.

anyway, if any of you out there have more experience with this than i do (which is most everyone) and would like to point me in the right direction, i'd be happy to benefit from your wisdom and experience, good and bad.

back to hitting cyclists with baseball bats (i'm up to 1328.8 now).
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Tunes: grant lee buffalo - side by side

question one

for a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?

interesting this is the first question, considering i just watched corpse bride for the first time and it deals a bit with this idea. i'd like to think i would realize the importance of friends and family and feel the sacrifice is too much, even for someone i love deeply. but i've been waiting so long to love deeply and have someone love me in return that i don't doubt i would be packed and ready to go in a heartbeat. i sometimes think i'm cameron from ferris bueller:

Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

ok, maybe not that bad. but i can easily see myself becoming enthralled with someone to the point of being willing to give up everything just to be with them. i mean, i can always make new friends. and we'll be creating a family of our own, right? and this isn't some fling - it's someone i love deeply and who loves me deeply (i assume, anyway) and therefore she is a gift from God and He would not lead me astray. love is forever, right?

the thing that scares me the most about this is, while i joke, i do have a tendency to become (ahem) a bit obsessed. i remember in college, having a long discussion with mike about this, after i abandoned many of my friends in my obsession with stacy. perhaps this is why God has seen fit to keep me out of relationships (or has created me in such away that i stay away from getting involved). He knows once i meet someone i love deeply, they will become the focus of my life, to the exclusion of others. i'd like to think i've matured and grown since those heady college days, but as i've had few relationships since then (like one), i have no way of knowing for sure.

i'm not blaming God for my lack of relationships - i take full responsibility for that. but maybe in His wisdom He's allowed me to function well outside of them, allowing me the opportunity to develop within a community of friends and end up close enough to my family that we can be a part of each other's lives. and while it would be glorious to be deeply in love with one single person, i am thankful for the way my life has been shaped by the deep relationships i've been able to form with others.

ok, your turn. feel free to leave your own answer to the question in the comments section. the more people that play, the more fun we'll all have. really.
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Tunes: asia - daylight

reliving those high school summer nights

brent's gone and i'm currently avoiding mowing my lawn, which looks like a chia pet gone horribly wrong. get there soon enough.

yesterday's KI trip was great. i always have such a glorious time and yet i go so rarely. my excuse? it's a shared experience, not one easily enjoyed by oneself. and i don't know anyone else that has a season pass that doesn't have a normal job. not that i've actually checked this out, of course. we rode all the good stuff at least twice, the best stuff (delirium, vortex and, the best of the best, the beast) at least three. i know i'm getting old because damn was the back of the beast rough. they ought to put chiropractor ads at the end of the ride. but it was a great time complete with a trip to the fx action theater with hannah-barbara - much more enjoyable and nostalgic than spongebob with the song they used to play in the old boat ride (before it became the smurf ride and then whatever nickleodeon nonsense is there now - does it even still exist?). i might have gone the rest of my life forgetting that song. having it back makes me strangely happy. i also enjoyed other KI staples, such as larosas (which always tastes better here - kind of like hot dogs at a ballgame) and funnel cake. and other than a brief thunderstorm that shut down the park (when did they become such pansies? i seem to remember riding rides and coasters in the rain; now they shut them down when there's a watch), it was a beautiful and nostalgia-filled day.

i wonder if some of my recent forays into my past (metal, KI) aren't a subconscious attempt to relive a simpler time, a time filled with great memories. i tend to consider the summer of 1986 one of the best of my life and that was 20 years ago now. as long as i don't end this summer like i did that one, in the hospital with a broken neck).

speaking of broken, i finally figured out what to do with lorelai. she'll be spending some quality time with kevin down at center city collision, probably next week. not going to report it to my insurance agent - repair costs are only a bit over what my deductible would be, so i'd rather pay a little extra and not have my rates jump by 30%. below is a picture of the damage, for those that are curious.



sad.

ok, time to be responsible and mow the lawn. was sure i would sleep well last night after walking around for over nine hours, but i must have jazzed my body up because i slept not at all. so i'm dragging a bit. but i figure if i get done now before what looks like rain, i can sleep the afternoon away. that will be good.
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Tunes: joseph arthur - honey and the moon

lorelai's broke

so we're sitting in claddagh last night, celebrating a successful first weekend. suddenly, one of the staff appears in our little room and there's a bit of confusion. i hear the word car and the word silver. i know immediately i'm screwed. once we finally get everyone quiet enough to hear, he says it's a silver honda. i feel a sense of relief. then he says involved with a silver mazda. *sigh* i knew it. so we spill out into the parking lot and sure enough, there's lorelai, bumper to bumper with dawn's (one of the fairies) silver honda accord. obviously lorelai was feeling a bit neglected and wanted to meet one of the other pretty cars in the parking lot.

i'm not completely sure what happened. the parking brake was engaged when i got back in the car, but there was a slight incline to the parking space, so perhaps i didn't engage it enough. regardless, lorelai has hefty dent in her driver's side rear bumper. luckily, the damage to dawn's car was minor, probably buffable (i hope!). there's at least $500 out the window. may have to rethink my van in a van plans. i'm sure this will all be funny some day - oh, what am i saying, it's funny now, in a painful kind of way. it'll just get funnier later.

brent and i are off to KI today - going to be a hot one, so we're going to wait until after lunch then head off to spend the rest of the day. be good to go, though i won't be able to scream on the coasters, which is half the fun. voice is still shot. did discover that while throat coat does wonders for my singing voice, it does nothing for my speaking voice. hopefully a few days rest will help it get back to where it needs to be.

geesh, glad i wasn't in a serious accident and needed my insurance agent to call me back. though maybe he doesn't come in until 10:00. be nice to stop by on the way to KI, since he's right there. we'll see what happens.

better go be a better host. bye.
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one down five to go

how is it that weekends can still feel different, even though you're not working and not actually taking a break? it's like my body actually knew today was saturday and acted accordingly. learned behaviour? years of conditioning? or something more mystical? i know not.

opening night went well. couldn't have asked for better weather - a nearly perfect summer night. good crowd too - a bit unresponsive at first, but they were totally in it by act v, which is when bottom shines anyway. so great to have an audience reacting - jazzes our performance. not a perfect performance, but an excellent opening night. elizabeth and krystal came to show (on krystal's birthday!) which was a pleasant surprise. they enjoyed the show and we talked quite a bit afterwards. tonight amelia and brian are supposed to be there and brent will be here on sunday, along with julie and emma. always good to have friends in the audience, even if you don't know they're there.

the only downside - my voice is shot. all my liquidating and resting went right out the window once the play started. i tried to take it easy, let the mike do the work, but i'm not used to doing that and i tend to fall into my "acting zone," letting the physical stuff go on automatic pilot so i can concentrate on the character/lines. may have to work on that. don't anticipate completely losing my voice, but don't want to risk it, either.

quick plug: if you're ever in sharonville, check out the blue goose. great food, great atmosphere, and they fixed the separate checks issue from last summer, which means the cast is there a lot. their burgers are amazing and their salads would make elaine benes proud.

no major plans for the day - gina needs me to run her to get her oil changed. but beyond that and a nap, i've got nothing before the show. much better timing last night - an hour before seems doable. and God was kind enough to send arby's coupons in the mail, so i had dinner last night for $2.39. if anyone gets the reach magazine and doesn't use the arby's coupons, 'twould be great if you could save them for me and pass them along. i, like many actors, am a bit superstitious, so 'twould like to keep a certain routine going until i have a bad performance, then i'll shake it up. so could be a lot of arby's in my future. not that i'm complaining....

ok, need to go put my costume in the dryer. i should go mow the lawn but don't want to. of course, that means i won't get to it until tuesday at the earliest. so much for my plans of getting all this housework done before the weekend....
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Tunes: def leppard - rock of ages

i know, i'm going to bed, leave me alone

just got back from ally's going away soiree at the grill formerly known as hamburger mary's. sad to see her go, though she did meet the one requirement for friends that move away - going somewhere i might want to visit someday. went after our truncated final dress for midsummer. lovely time for a rain storm. and always right before the play within a play. ah well, probably good for my voice i didn't have to do it. it's a bit on the puny side at the moment - nothing worrisome, just haven't been kind to it this week. personally, tonight's rehearsal was infinitely better than last night's suckfest. wow. amazing what lack of sleep will do to your ability to focus and remember your lines. we are so ready for this show. we had a bit of an audience tonight, which helped a lot because we've kind of forgotten where the funny bits are. good to have that feedback.

the nap this afternoon helped my performance tonight, but not sure it's going to do much for my going to bed tonight. i was good at mary's and drank only water and have avoided caffeine all day. just need to keep doing that for the run of the show.

please, come see it. it's free (donations accepted, of course) and it's fun to see shakespeare outside.

ok, enough begging.

my trip to half price was only partially successful. i didn't find anything to read, but i did pick up one of my favorite emma thompson movies - dead again - for $5. score! also picked up the book of questions to help when i get stuck for journal entries. and i've been thinking perhaps i might go through the book and post my answers to the questions. ideally, it's best to do this in a groups setting, so if you're feeling game (not gamey - that would be me after the play), feel free to play along. won't do it every day and it won't be the only thing i do, but hopefully it might help me be a bit more consistent.

we shall see.

amusing moment from wednesday night's daily show - i guess an arabic interpreter was discharged from the army under the "don't ask/don't tell" policy. his superiors received some anonymous e-mails, so they questioned him. the two questions they asked? do you have any gay acquaintances? and - wait for it - have you done any community theater?

looks like i won't be enlisting any time soon....

bedtime. we open in nineteen hours. woohoo!
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Tunes: indigo girls - closer to fine

friends in the news

DIY Alternative Energy starring Angie and Andy Ferrell (and written by Steven Carter-Novotni)

Local Medical Professionals Find Joy in Making Music starring Jason Seavolt and Kevin Patrick

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mistakes were made

mistake #1: eating at the goose at 10:00pm
mistake #2: drinking copious amounts of iced tea
mistake #3: getting sucked into someone's blog
mistake #4: listening to music as i tried to fall asleep
mistake #5: not finding a way to cool off

all this lead to me not sleeping until around 4:00AM

no prayers today.

need to go eat lunch, but don't know what/where. time to do some grocery shopping but my head's not in it at the moment and i'll just end up buying a bunch of stuff i won't actually be able to use to fix meals (but those doritos looked so tasty - and they were BOGO free).

this day is going to be oh so unproductive, i can tell.

methinks jalepenos is calling my name.

seems the van in a van trip has hit a speedbump - tickets are sold out for the first couple of weeks. doing it over thanksgiving would be best for me - otherwise, with the goofy schedule this year, i may not be able to swing it - trimester doesn't end until december 1 this year. weird.

ahh! i don't want to think about that yet. i still have a couple of weeks....

i need a book to read during the show. geisha is too big to take with me and i would hate to get sweat and makeup on it since it's a borrowed book. see, if i go to jalepenos, i can walk over to half price and i can find myself something. but what? nothing on my radar at the moment. i'll take suggestions, though won't do me a lot of good immediately. but i'll definitely keep them for future reference.

i can feel summer slipping through my fingers. day two of august and i've done...nothing. with plans to do nothing. nothing is good sometimes but not as good as something or anything even. well not anything - that could get me in trouble.

and i've confused myself. stupid lack of sleep.
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Tunes: ac/dc - back in black

what? two in one day?

didn't get home from dress in time to catch my daily dose of the daily show/colbert report, so i'll be taping it to watch it tomorrow morning. which means i have time to do another post and, more surprisingly, a desire to post.

too bad it is about nothing of significance.

here's a quick update of my media indulgences so far this summer, in no particular order:

books

• ragtime - doctorow - B+
  
• jpod - coupland (second reading) - A-
  
• will in the world - greenblatt - A
  
• possession - byatt - A+
  
• perfume - suskind - A
• real sex - winner - B
  
• more ready than you realize - mcclaren - B
  

movies

• xmen 3 - C-
  
• superman returns - C-
  
• pirates of the carribean - A
  
• clerks ii (twice already) - A
  
• the break up - D+
  
• a scanner darkly - A-
• nacho libre - B-
  

music (sorry, no ratings, i like 'em all. and all but rhett comes courtesy of e-music)

• big star - #1 record/radio city
• gary hoey - the best of gary hoey
• tremolo - love is the greatest revenge
• rhett miller - the instigator
• josh ritter - the animal years
• neko case - fox confessor brings the flood
• patty griffin - a kiss in time

took a break in compiling this list to talk to anne, who i haven't talked to in forever. great to catch up with her - she has a marvelous gift and i always feel more loved and appreciated after talking to her. thank you God for weaving her life into mine.

ok, morning prayers are in - eek - six hours. must go to sleep. if i can.
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Tunes: chagall guevara - treasure of the broken land

deceive, inveigle, obfuscate

seriously, what happened to july? i turned around and *poof* it was gone, with nothing to show for it. hmmmm. i know i did stuff. rehearsal mostly. and sweating. lots of sweating. and over the last couple of days, i've spent too much time playing this. my high score is 1171.4

no use trying to catch up. be painful for all involved. so we press on.

i suppose i should come clean. i've rediscovered something over the past couple of weeks, a part of who i am as a person i've kept suppressed for close to 17 years. i buried it because i was ashamed. i buried it because it didn't fit with the image on wanted to portray. i buried it because i hate mockery. but last tuesday, the grave was officially shaken open and out came my secret:

hello. my name is thurman. and i'm a metalhead wannabe.

now i can't lay claim to being an actual metalhead - my taste in metal skews farther toward the hairband side than the speedmetal side (think: more def leppard, less slayer). and i've never really run with the right crowd for it - blame it on my nazarene upbringing and the fact that most metal lyrics leave much to be desired. sorry, just never been a big fan of the apocalypse and rarely feel the need to curse God. i tried the hair in high school (oy, are those pictures i wish would disappear), but it was the 80s and everyone's hair was big.

but man, do i love a good riff and a screaming guitar solo.

been spending the last week listening to all the metal in my collection, which, despite my lengthy denial, is still pretty hefty (over 600 songs). never really gave it up completely - i mean, my obsession with king's x has kept me at least superficially connected. and i can't help but smile every time i hear boston or def leppard or guns and roses reminding me of glorious summer nights back in high school. this is as much a part of me as my more "mature" choices in music, and, because of their role in shaping who i have ultimately become, maybe even more.

i actually began a post about how i became a metalhead wannabe, but scrapped it because i couldn't figure out where to go next. maybe i'll work on it again.

90 degrees at the moment, which means it will be another sweat-filled rehearsal. i pity my fellow actors. last night was rough - heat muddled my brain and i had trouble with lines i've never struggled with before. will be better tonight. a bit scary to think we go up on friday. but it looks to be a great show. oh, and if i happened to send you an e-mail, be aware that the matinees on sunday are at 6:00PM, not 4:00PM. silly me.

and while i'm making large scale announcements, did i loan my almost famous: the bootleg cut to anyone out there? mine has turned up missing and i can't for the life of me remember who i loaned it to. i don't need it back, i just want to know where it is.

spoke briefly with aaron yesterday - i had been a bit in limbo over what was happening as far as our birthing process. a couple of the churches look to begin tonight. and i wasn't sure the one i was to lead even existed any more. but i'm feeling better about it now and am looking forward to seeing where God leads us. still a bit trepidatious, but i don't believe that's terribly unusual in situations like this. a little anxiousness and pain is involved in any birth - only there's no drugs for this one (unless slurpees count...).

ok, time to relax and clear my head for tonight. here's hoping august is more post-filled than july was.
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Tunes: king's x - we are finding who we are

stay on the scene, like a sweat machine

i am the sweatiest man ever. you may think that is hyperbole, but i'm telling you, it's true. just ask anyone who was at last night's rehearsal. clothes drenched. puddles of perspiration left on the ground. looking like i had just stepped out of a pool - a swimming pool filled with bodily fluid. it reached a point where i couldn't be near the other actors or touch them - i was that moist. i could lie down on the ground and do "thor angels" of sweat. ewwww. spent most of my time offstage apologizing. yeah, i know everyone sweats, but not this profusely. it's disgusting. and all i kept thinking was, "at least this was just the play within a play. good thing it wasn't the scenes with bottom and titania." i've got to figure something out for tonight. four or five t-shirts? a wet suit? recommendations appreciated.

this is one of the reasons i don't exercise.

fourth day without morning prayers. unlike the other days this week, no good excuse, other than i was still beat from my bout with insomnia the night before. probably should stop over to st. e's, make sure someone cleaned up the elements. otherwise, it could be a bit scary come sunday....

not much to share - been spending most of my time this week inside trying not to be a slobbery mess. have almost finished x-files season 3. only two more seasons in my collection left to go. maybe not the greatest way to spend ones time, but i've been enjoying it, much more than i would trying to do something outside.

i have nothing left to say.
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Tunes: marah - rain delay

02:30 AM

I too pass from the night;

I stay awhile away O night, but I return to you again and

love you;

Why should I be afraid to trust myself to you?

I am not afraid . . . . I have been well brought forward

by you;

I love the rich running day, but I do not desert her in whom

I lay so long;

I know not how I came of you, and I know not where I go

with you . . . . but I know I came well and shall go well.

I will stop only a time with the night . . . . and rise betimes.
WW

i sleep not tonight, i know not the reason, only my mind will not rest
and so here i am, wondering what may spill from my too-awake brain

a little trepidatious am i

been pouring over my lines for the last 45 minutes, using this granted time to try and get these words woven into my brain, which so far has been teflon-like in its inability to allow anything to stick. as if i needed further proof that i am getting old (getting, thurm? more like been there, living that). not panicking yet - further repetition at rehearsals will help. still frustrating. i've become that actor. grrrrr.

i've not been here for a while, for good reason, which i will not share because i don't desire to. and since this is my space (not myspace) and i can do what i please, i will. please.

clear?

did i mention it's 2:30AM?

rory is caught in a wonderful music current this evening - almost every song is a great one. when the love is goob by the bodeans is streaming now. earlier it included ceremony by galaxie 500, somebody by depeche mode, hummer by smashing pumpkins, matrimony by whiskeytown. quite the range of emotions.

been all over that range lately.

bad news of the day - the extra work i did at the auditorium a few weeks back did not hit my paycheck this week like i needed it to, which means i'm going to have to do some creative budgeting to not go into the red again, like i did this past paycheck. times like this i wish i were paid twice a month instead of every two weeks. every now and then the bills fall between the cracks and i come up just a bit short.

of course, these monetary worries aren't keeping me from trying to find a flight to vancouver in november for the cleverly named "Van in a Van" excursion with the campers. best flight so far is $450 round trip. no idea if that's a good price or not. i've had friends tell me both yay and nay. we'll wait a bit, check my options. will have to take all my personal days for the year to make it work out, but i think it's something i have to do - no regrets, right? and what else would i be using the personal days for?

went to kent this weekend. one simple observation - always a bad idea to see a former infatuation in a bikini.

moving on.

making a quickie trip to columbus this weekend to eat at the thurman cafe and see clerks ii. yes, i'm giving mr. smith a chance to prove that jersey girl was a horrible aberration and that he has not indeed lost his mojo. spent much of last week catching up with mr. smith at his blog and his website. reminded me of why i liked him so much in the past - the boy is quite the story teller. and has quite the way with words if you can get through all the profanity (though i would argue his profanity is part and parcel of his way with words. just won't argue that right now).

ok, 3:00AM is fast approaching and if i have any hopes of actually pulling myself out of bed for morning prayers, i should go give it another shot. but i honestly feel no more tired than when i walked in here. and i may actually feel even warmer - have i mentioned how much i hate the heat?

night.
Æ

Tunes: terry scott taylor - mr. flutter (quite appropriate given my financial woes...)

finally

a summer movie worth seeing.

pirates rocked. 'twas everything a summer blockbuster should be - lots of fun, great characters, enough of a plot to keep the audience interested. and oh that sword fight on the water wheel. very imaginative.

forget X3 (butchers!). forget superman (BOR-ing). go see pirates. i know i will again sometime. best movie i've seen all summer, hands down.
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Tunes: U2 - don't take your guns to town

hey.

yeah, i'm still around. just not in a posting mood.

or a mood i should be posting in.

to elaborate would require more energy than i currently have.

someone called me from a cell phone based in oxford, ohio at 4:04 am. if it was you, please call back so i can yell at you for waking me up and not even leaving a blasted message.

i have poems to write, but the words refuse to come.

i have lines to memorize, yet i haven't touched my script.

i have life to experience, and here i sit.
Æ

Tunes: archers of loaf - learo, you're a hole